Growing up Joi tried to convince herself that being adopted didn’t bother her because she had such a great family. But in reality, great parents did not erase the fact that she didn’t know her birth parents. She laments that never saw anyone who looked like her, and of course, she could never answer a doctor’s questions about her health history.

After connecting with a close cousin on AncestryDNA, they began a search through the family tree to locate her birth mother. After the state of New Jersey opened adoptee birth records, the cousins learned exactly who Joi was related to, and that their search had been off track. After receiving her original birth certificate (OBC), she was able to connect with her birth mother and her birth father in a story of joyous reunion befitting a woman named Joi.

Since her interview originally aired in August 2017 Joi has published her adoptee memoir, “Finding Joi: A True Story of Faith, Family, and Love”

Joi (00:01):

Will there be a response to the letter? The fear of, okay, now I'll put all this out there and let's say it gets to her and she chooses not to respond. How will I know if she got the letter? Is she even interested in reconnecting with me and then what if I got to this point and I have a name, I have an address. I have even a church that she attends and what if she doesn't want to see me? How am I going to deal with that?

Voices (00:30):

Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I? Who am I?

Damon (00:41):

This is Who Am I Really, a podcast about adoptees that have located and connected with their biological family members. I'm Damon Davis, and on today's show you'll meet Joi. She grew up comforted by the adoption mantra that she was not expected, she was chosen. While adoption was an open topic in her home, Joi admits she hadn't reached a point of speaking freely about her own adoption publicly until she was in reunion. Her reunion story has some unexpected twists and turns as the DNA match she thought she had found turned out to be completely different from her expectation and another DNA match turned into a dead end. In the end, Joi's name lived up to its meaning, which her birth mother cleverly testified to in church for their very first meeting. Here's Joi's journey.

Damon (01:31):

Joi's adoption was an openly accepted fact in her life, even though people sometimes commented that she didn't quite look like her family.

Joi (01:38):

I don't remember how it happened or, but I've, I've always known, I know that I had a baby book and in the front of the baby book it had my pictures when I, I guess first came to them and at the bottom of the first page, it was a little card. It had a baby on the outside and when you flipped it over, it gave my birth date and it said on the outside I wasn't expected, I was selected. And I just remember that being a part of the conversation forever as it related to us talking about adoption. You know, the story of your mother wasn't able to care for you and she wanted you to have a good family. And that's how they kinda got me. And then from there, you know, it's, it's just always been a part of who I am. I won't say that it's always been a part of the conversations that we've had at home, but it's not been something that was hidden from me. Um, I've always known that piece.

Damon (02:31):

And you were comfortable with it because you always knew.

Joi (02:33):

I think I was, I think it was those little moments when somebody would say that, you know, that I didn't look like my father or I didn't act like some of my cousins. It was those times, you know, that kind of stuck out as moments when it came to the forefront where it normally wasn't an issue.

Damon (02:49):

Right. And you could think to yourself, well, I could tell you why, but..

Joi (02:53):

Right. And, but, and, and that's the hard part of it too. Because now as I look at where I am now, I can openly say that's because I'm adopted. But that's something that I would never have said.

Damon (03:04):

Yeah. As a child trying to figure out your own identity.

Joi (03:08):

Yeah. But then I was reading an article the other day and the lady was talking about how it speaks to our truth, you know, the fact that we are adopted. So to be able to say that now so openly and freely, it is a relief. It does make me feel like, you know, I'm not hiding part of myself anymore.

Damon (03:26):

And it's a, I think to a degree, somewhat of relief for the people around you too. Because I think they can sense it. The reason that they've said, well you don't look like your cousins or you don't act like your father or whatever the thing is is because they've picked up on something too. So to have that conversation be something you can have just right out in the open now is, is a, is a freeing feeling, I think for me.

Joi (03:50):

Yeah, I agree. I agree. And I think even for my daughters, it's been funny as they talk to their friends and have been sharing our journey and sharing pictures and things of that nature, some friends are like, yeah, I never thought your mother looked like her father. Well that's because, and by the way, let me show you a picture of what her father, her birth father looks like. So we are able to laugh about it now and, and joke about it, but you know, and those were the little things that some people just wouldn't say. You have people who are a little bit more bold where they will. Well that can't be your child. You know, I'm going, wow.

Damon (04:25):

Yeah. Really? You just said that straight out like that, huh?

Joi (04:29):

Right, right. And I think that was the tough part in my teenage years where people, and they would do it jokingly.

Damon (04:35):

Right.

Joi (04:36):

But when I knew for a fact that yes, this wasn't my actual birth father, that kinda hurt in that way. And then, you know, I didn't know how it made him feel, uh, because it was kind of like a sideways compliment in a way too. Oh, that can't be your, your daughter. Oh, well she must look like her mother. You know, I'm going. Wow. Okay.

Damon (04:57):

When you describe you, it sounds like you guys do look fairly different. Tell me about how, how you look versus how he looks. How, why is it so stark?

Joi (05:05):

I just think we just don't look alike, but I think the part that has helped is that his brother, my uncle has two girls and the girls and I favor.

Damon (05:16):

In her teens, those comments began to rub her the wrong way. I asked Joi,what was the catalyst for her search? Like so many adoptees, Joi said she always wanted to know more, but she says more than once, there were times when people could swear they saw her somewhere else in places that she hadn't been.

Joi (05:34):

I would say it's the Joi sightings. People would always say, Oh, I thought I saw you, or do you work part time in this place? Or do you work part time in that plaza? Oh, I thought I saw you in a restaurant the other day and I'll say, no, that's not me. So whether that happened in college, when I went to school in Trenton or whether it happened close to home or you know, different places that, things like that would happen. I said, okay, so there are some people out here that look like me.

Damon (06:02):

That's crazy!

Joi (06:02):

You know, I wonder do I have a sister? Because it would be people that were close to my age then a couple of events that I did, um, some kids would stop and stare and I work in education. So I knew that these kids went to the neighboring school district and I mean they're just kinda gathering, looking, standing over across the room and it makes me freeze cause I'm going, okay, who do they think I am? Because I know that I don't know. And then it's not until like I'll either walk closer or I'll walk in a different direction. And then you can see them have that look like, Oh that's not her.

Damon (06:37):

That is so fascinating.

Joi (06:38):

But for them to stand there and stare and look for such a long period of time, just kind of waiting for me to move or see what I'm going to do or see if I'm going to approach them. Those were the awkward moments that, um, made me, you know, say I need to find out who's, who is out there, who is, who may be this close that's related to me. That's unbelievable. And then in high school there was the other incident where there was an art exhibit in our school library and all these people, and a couple of the security guards kept coming over to me saying, Oh, have you been upstairs? We saw a picture of you. And I said, no, I'm not any, you know, in any pictures or anything. But they knew that I modeled. So they said, yeah, it's a, it's a kind of an African print. I said, no, I haven't done anything with an African print or any tigers or anything of that nature. So that made me a little afraid to even go to this art exhibit. But once I went, um, after hearing a number of classmates and the guards saying, you need to go up there and look at that picture. To see a picture that really looks like you, that even I couldn't, you know, normally somebody to say such and such looks like you, look at them and go no, you can pinpoint everything about them that doesn't look like you. But to actually look at a picture. And I knew that that wasn't me.

Damon (07:53):

That's fascinating. You couldn't argue with that.

Joi (07:53):

But it looks so much like me that I, I couldn't argue with it. And then having my own kids too.

Damon (07:59):

Tell me about having your own kids. What did that do for you?

Joi (08:02):

That made me want to know more. I mean I've always had the situations where every time you go to the doctor is always a, Well, could you tell us a little bit about your medical history? What does this, this, this and I'm looking at them like I will, I wrote, not applicable or unknown up there, but you still want to ask me the question. So, um, I think it was that piece and then getting ready to become a parent for the first time and they're asking me as it related to my child, which now it seemed a lot more important, um, to be able to know just in case anything was to happen because I had no information. The information that I had received years ago just said that my mother's health was good and my father's health was good.

Damon (