Join Officer Steins & Officer Holloway on their second adventure where they find a 2.5 Reality Divergence Device in a soup kitchen walk-in freezer. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd, Pedro Gonçalves, Jocelynn Sunrise, and Maelle Jayet. Squad Car 22 is a sci-fi, comedy podcast by Deep Drag.

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Music and Sound Effect Credits:

Special Thanks to Zac Wilkins for our theme song, Cop Show Blues Jam 1 & 2 https://www.looperman.com/loops/detai...

And CallMeKing for the sci-fi song, Defy This, https://www.looperman.com/loops/detai...

We can't forget about our favorite composer, Kevin MacLeod - Music from https://filmmusic.io

"Parisian" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)

License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/b...) 

And Thank You to the folks over at freesound.org and looperman.com . A full list of all the SFX and loops with credits can be found at DeepDrag.com

[Music]

[Narrator 2] Previously, on Squad Car 22.

Officer Steins and Holloway paid two homeless people $40 and half a Big Gulp to use their

clothes.

While our heroes saved the world from a Mad Scientist and a giant Squid-Pig, the ungrateful

homeless people reported what had happened to various media outlets and social justice

groups.

[Police Radio] Got a 288 at 13 Garden Street.

[Officer Holloway] Where's Officer Jenny?

[Officer Lloyd] She's been on vacation for the last week.

[Officer Steins] First I've heard of it.

[Officer Holloway] Then who have I been flirting with on the radio.

[Officer Lloyd] Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you stop that.

It's a bit uncomfortable when you start with a CB sex.

[Captain Bullstrong] Chauncy!

Mumford!

Get in here!

[Officer Steins] Leave the talking to me.

[Officer Holloway] Don't worry.

Me and the captain go way back.

I've got this.

[Officer Steins] Sir!

[Officer Holloway] Wow, smells nice in here.

I'm digging that scented candle.

What is that, sandalwood?

[Steins] Dude...

[Holloway] No, it's got more of an earthy tone to it.

I'm guessing patchouli.

[Captain Bullstrong] Not that it's any of your business, but it's Moroccan fig.

[Holloway] Very soothing.

You know I can feel the stress just lifting off my...

[Captain Bullstrong] Can it, Mumford.

[Sighs.]

[Captain Bullstrong] What the hell were you two thinking?

I should suspend you both for a week.

[Steins] Sir, we had a situation and we dealt with it, sir.

[Captain Bullstrong] Have you had a look out front?

[Steins] Sir, we came in the back door, sir.

[Captain Bullstrong opens the window.]

[Crowd] Homeless people aren't hopeless.

They need clothes too. Homeless people aren't hopeless. They need clothes too.

[Captain Bullstrong] Every liberal snowflake in the county is on our lawn.

[Steins] That's what this is about.

[Holloway] We can get rid of them, no problemo.

[Steins] A little tear gas goes a long way.

[Holloway] Yeah.

[Captain Bullstrong] Hmm!

This situation is nothing to laugh about.

For the next 24 hours you two will be volunteering down at the soup kitchen.

[Holloway] Ah come, on those freaks out there will protest anything.

You give in this time and tomorrow they'll be rallying for health care.

[Steins] Ugh, health care.

Let's suit up the squad in riot gear and go out there.

[Captain Bullstrong] I don't want to hear another word. [Sighs]

Now get your butts down to that shelter.

[Steins drives the squad car down the road.]

[Holloway] Man, he was in a mood.

[Steins] No shit.

[Holloway]I don't know why he was so peeved over a couple of social justice squatters.

[Steins] It's because he's, you know...

[Holloway] Cuz he's what?

[Steins] Black...

[Holloway] Huh?

[Steins] They have more sympathy for stuff like that.

[Holloway] That sounds kind of, I don't know... racist.

[Steins] Hey I'm the last guy anyone would call racist.

My first girlfriend was black.

[Holloway] Oh sorry....

[Steins] I listen to black music all the time: Parliament, Hendrix, UB40.

[Holloway] So you're saying we have to go spoon soup cuz the captain's black?

[Steins] Woah, woah, woah, now you're just twisting my words.

[Holloway] I'm not judging...

[Steins] There's nothing to judge.

[Holloway] Yeah... of course...

[Steins] Stop looking at me like that.

[Holloway] ...like what?

[Steins] Like I just tore the wings off of a butterfly.

[Holloway] ...Maybe we should just go inside.

[Steins & Holloway step across the parking lot into the soup kitchen.]

[Chef Rolland] Marcel!

I told you to caramelize the onions.

[Chef Rolland] What are you doing in ma cuisine?

[Holloway] My cui..?

[Chef Rolland] Oui, ma cuisine.

[Steins] Captain Bullstrong sent us.

[Chef Rolland] Ah, the officers who sit on the homeless.

[Holloway] What?

[Steins] Look, we're just here to serve soup.

[Chef Rolland] Serve the soup?

I think not.

You will wash the dish.

[Holloway] That's like a hundred bowls.

[Steins] Yeah, come on, we're not here to clean up that slop.

[Chef Rolland] You will wash the dish or you will crawl back to your Capitan Bullstrong

[Steins] All right, all right, all right.

[Chef Rolland] Oh, putan! Marcel!

What is this?

[Holloway] Well, I guess we better get washing.

[Steins] Is that split pea?

[Holloway] I think it just moved.

[Steins] You should really put on some rubber gloves.

[Holloway] Me?

What about you?

[Steins] I'm going to investigate.

[Holloway] Come again?

[Steins] I need to get the lay of the land, make a mental map of the compound.

[Holloway] Mmm, it sounds like you're ditching me.

[Steins] What?

I'm looking out for us.

I'm doing this for you.

I'll be right back.

[Holloway] Can you at least check if they have popsicles?

[Steins] What are you 12?

[Holloway] All day I've been craving a popsicle.

[Steins] Fine, I'll see what's in the freezer.

[Steins strolls back to the freezer lock.]

[Steins shivers as he explores the freezer]

[Steins] Man, it's cold in here.

Let's see.

Chicken noodle, minestrone, lobster bisque.

We'll I'll be!

summer borscht popsicles.

[Steins strolls to the back of the freezer.]

[Steins] 2.5 Reality Divergence Device?

Press here to change your life?

Must be some kind of soup kitchen humor.

[Steins clicks the machine's button.]

[The machine whirl to life.]

[It's hum gets louder and louder.]

[Steins] Hmm, that might have been a bad idea.

[The sound of the machine reaches a crescendo]

[Silence]

[Steins] What just happened?

Why does it feel like I have a furry face?

No, no, no,

[Steins clops down the hallway.]

Where's the bathroom in this place?

[Steins clops down the hallway, and turns on the bathroom sink.]

[Steins] Oh crap, oh crap on me.

I've got, I've got a face like a horse.

Oh shit, oh shit on me, I've got a tail.

That machine actually worked.

I'm in a reality 2.5 degrees different from my own.

And in this world

I'm a horse-man.

[Holloway washes dishes in the kitchen.]

[Chef Rolland] Marcel, what is this? You cut the shrimps all wrong.

[Chef Rolland] La bouillabaisse is ruined.

[Steins Clops into the kitchen.]

[Holloway] Hey, you know the rules, ain't no horse-folk allowed in the kitchen.

[Steins]Dude, it's me, your partner.

[Chef Rolland] I'm sorry, but you must take your hooves out of here.

[Steins] Shit, I've got hooves?

[Chef Rolland] Hooves.

[Steins] That's what I said, hooves.

[Chef Rolland] Just go before somebody sees you.

[Holloway] Dude, you're supposed to be outside cleaning around the dumpster.

If the health inspector catches you in here, they'll shut the whole place down.

[Chef Rolland] Look, it's nothing again you.

But what can I say, you are cheval.

[Holloway] Yeah it's not personal.

[Steins] Not personal?

You're treating me like I'm some sort of animal.

[Holloway] Well I mean...

[Steins] I'm a horse-man.

You hear me?

Horse-man.

[Holloway] It's cool.

Don't be no mule.

[Steins] Now I'm a mule?

[Steins smacks Holloway.]

[Holloway] Ouch man, that hurt.

[Chef Rolland] Oh là, so stereotypical, so horse.

[Holloway] I better not have a black eye.

[Steins] You're lucky I didn't break your nose.

[Holloway] If my eyes busted, I'm suing the saddle off you.

[Steins] I don't need this.

I'll just go back in the freezer lock, press the machine's button, and 'poof.'

I'll be back in my own reality.

[Steins clops back to the freezer.]

[The machine sparks and buzzes.]

[Steins] What the hell?

The dimensional device?

It's broken?

I'm stuck in this reality?

I'm stuck in a horse-man's body?

[Holloway steps into the freezer.]

[Holloway] Hey, don't get all Chuck Norris on me.

I'm just here to get some ice for my eye.

[Steins] Here.

A summer borscht popsicle should do the trick.

[Holloway] We cool?

[Steins] Yeah, we're square.

I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to this reality.

[Holloway] Reality?

[Steins] Come on.

I'll drive us back to the precinct.

[Holloway] Drive?

Horse people aren't allowed to drive.

[Steins] What?

[Holloway] You're lucky I let you sit in the car.

[Steins] Huh...

Well I guess that's that.

Interdimensional problem solved?

[Holloway] Whatever, I'm heading up the titty bar.

[Credit Music]

[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd,

Jocelyn Sunrise, Pedro Gonçalves, Maelle Jayet.

Directed by MJG.