Welcome to the second episode of the first season of the sci-fi, comedy audio drama: Squad Car 22. Join Officer Steins & Holloway on their second adventure where they find a 2.5 Reality Divergence Device in a soup kitchen. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd, Pedro Gonçalves, Jocelynn Suarez, and Maelle Jayet.

Listen to other audio dramas by Deep Drag at deepdrag.com

[Music]

[Narrator 2] Previously, on Squad Car 22.

Officer Steins and Holloway paid two homeless people $40 and half a Big Gulp to use their

clothes.

While our heroes saved the world from a Mad Scientist and a giant Squid-Pig, the ungrateful

homeless people reported what had happened to various media outlets and social justice

groups.

[Police Radio] Got a 288 at 13 Garden Street.

[Officer Holloway] Where's Officer Jenny?

[Officer Lloyd] She's been on vacation for the last week.

[Officer Steins] First I've heard of it.

[Officer Holloway] Then who have I been flirting with on the radio.

[Officer Lloyd] Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you stop that.

It's a bit uncomfortable when you start with a CB sex.

[Captain Bullstrong] Chauncy!

Mumford!

Get in here!

[Officer Steins] Leave the talking to me.

[Officer Holloway] Don't worry.

Me and the captain go way back.

I've got this.

[Officer Steins] Sir!

[Officer Holloway] Wow, smells nice in here.

I'm digging that scented candle.

What is that, sandalwood?

[Steins] Dude...

[Holloway] No, it's got more of an earthy tone to it.

I'm guessing patchouli.

[Captain Bullstrong] Not that it's any of your business, but it's Moroccan fig.

[Holloway] Very soothing.

You know I can feel the stress just lifting off my...

[Captain Bullstrong] Can it, Mumford.

[Sighs.]

[Captain Bullstrong] What the hell were you two thinking?

I should suspend you both for a week.

[Steins] Sir, we had a situation and we dealt with it, sir.

[Captain Bullstrong] Have you had a look out front?

[Steins] Sir, we came in the back door, sir.

[Captain Bullstrong opens the window.]

[Crowd] Homeless people aren't hopeless.

They need clothes too. Homeless people aren't hopeless. They need clothes too.

[Captain Bullstrong] Every liberal snowflake in the county is on our lawn.

[Steins] That's what this is about.

[Holloway] We can get rid of them, no problemo.

[Steins] A little tear gas goes a long way.

[Holloway] Yeah.

[Captain Bullstrong] Hmm!

This situation is nothing to laugh about.

For the next 24 hours you two will be volunteering down at the soup kitchen.

[Holloway] Ah come, on those freaks out there will protest anything.

You give in this time and tomorrow they'll be rallying for health care.

[Steins] Ugh, health care.

Let's suit up the squad in riot gear and go out there.

[Captain Bullstrong] I don't want to hear another word. [Sighs]

Now get your butts down to that shelter.

[Steins drives the squad car down the road.]

[Holloway] Man, he was in a mood.

[Steins] No shit.

[Holloway]I don't know why he was so peeved over a couple of social justice squatters.

[Steins] It's because he's, you know...

[Holloway] Cuz he's what?

[Steins] Black...

[Holloway] Huh?

[Steins] They have more sympathy for stuff like that.

[Holloway] That sounds kind of, I don't know... racist.

[Steins] Hey I'm the last guy anyone would call racist.

My first girlfriend was black.

[Holloway] Oh sorry....

[Steins] I listen to black music all the time: Parliament, Hendrix, UB40.

[Holloway] So you're saying we have to go spoon soup cuz the captain's black?

[Steins] Woah, woah, woah, now you're just twisting my words.

[Holloway] I'm not judging...

[Steins] There's nothing to judge.

[Holloway] Yeah... of course...

[Steins] Stop looking at me like that.

[Holloway] ...like what?

[Steins] Like I just tore the wings off of a butterfly.

[Holloway] ...Maybe we should just go inside.

[Steins & Holloway step across the parking lot into the soup kitchen.]

[Chef Rolland] Marcel!

I told you to caramelize the onions.

[Chef Rolland] What are you doing in ma cuisine?

[Holloway] My cui..?

[Chef Rolland] Oui, ma cuisine.

[Steins] Captain Bullstrong sent us.

[Chef Rolland] Ah, the officers who sit on the homeless.

[Holloway] What?

[Steins] Look, we're just here to serve soup.

[Chef Rolland] Serve the soup?

I think not.

You will wash the dish.

[Holloway] That's like a hundred bowls.

[Steins] Yeah, come on, we're not here to clean up that slop.

[Chef Rolland] You will wash the dish or you will crawl back to your Capitan Bullstrong

[Steins] All right, all right, all right.

[Chef Rolland] Oh, putan! Marcel!

What is this?

[Holloway] Well, I guess we better get washing.

[Steins] Is that split pea?

[Holloway] I think it just moved.

[Steins] You should really put on some rubber gloves.

[Holloway] Me?

What about you?

[Steins] I'm going to investigate.

[Holloway] Come again?

[Steins] I need to get the lay of the land, make a mental map of the compound.

[Holloway] Mmm, it sounds like you're ditching me.

[Steins] What?

I'm looking out for us.

I'm doing this for you.

I'll be right back.

[Holloway] Can you at least check if they have popsicles?

[Steins] What are you 12?

[Holloway] All day I've been craving a popsicle.

[Steins] Fine, I'll see what's in the freezer.

[Steins strolls back to the freezer lock.]

[Steins shivers as he explores the freezer]

[Steins] Man, it's cold in here.

Let's see.

Chicken noodle, minestrone, lobster bisque.

We'll I'll be!

summer borscht popsicles.

[Steins strolls to the back of the freezer.]

[Steins] 2.5 Reality Divergence Device?

Press here to change your life?

Must be some kind of soup kitchen humor.

[Steins clicks the machine's button.]

[The machine whirl to life.]

[It's hum gets louder and louder.]

[Steins] Hmm, that might have been a bad idea.

[The sound of the machine reaches a crescendo]

[Silence]

[Steins] What just happened?

Why does it feel like I have a furry face?

No, no, no,

[Steins clops down the hallway.]

Where's the bathroom in this place?

[Steins clops down the hallway, and turns on the bathroom sink.]

[Steins] Oh crap, oh crap on me.

I've got, I've got a face like a horse.

Oh shit, oh shit on me, I've got a tail.

That machine actually worked.

I'm in a reality 2.5 degrees different from my own.

And in this world

I'm a horse-man.

[Holloway washes dishes in the kitchen.]

[Chef Rolland] Marcel, what is this? You cut the shrimps all wrong.

[Chef Rolland] La bouillabaisse is ruined.

[Steins Clops into the kitchen.]

[Holloway] Hey, you know the rules, ain't no horse-folk allowed in the kitchen.

[Steins]Dude, it's me, your partner.

[Chef Rolland] I'm sorry, but you must take your hooves out of here.

[Steins] Shit, I've got hooves?

[Chef Rolland] Hooves.

[Steins] That's what I said, hooves.

[Chef Rolland] Just go before somebody sees you.

[Holloway] Dude, you're supposed to be outside cleaning around the dumpster.

If the health inspector catches you in here, they'll shut the whole place down.

[Chef Rolland] Look, it's nothing again you.

But what can I say, you are cheval.

[Holloway] Yeah it's not personal.

[Steins] Not personal?

You're treating me like I'm some sort of animal.

[Holloway] Well I mean...

[Steins] I'm a horse-man.

You hear me?

Horse-man.

[Holloway] It's cool.

Don't be no mule.

[Steins] Now I'm a mule?

[Steins smacks Holloway.]

[Holloway] Ouch man, that hurt.

[Chef Rolland] Oh là, so stereotypical, so horse.

[Holloway] I better not have a black eye.

[Steins] You're lucky I didn't break your nose.

[Holloway] If my eyes busted, I'm suing the saddle off you.

[Steins] I don't need this.

I'll just go back in the freezer lock, press the machine's button, and 'poof.'

I'll be back in my own reality.

[Steins clops back to the freezer.]

[The machine sparks and buzzes.]

[Steins] What the hell?

The dimensional device?

It's broken?

I'm stuck in this reality?

I'm stuck in a horse-man's body?

[Holloway steps into the freezer.]

[Holloway] Hey, don't get all Chuck Norris on me.

I'm just here to get some ice for my eye.

[Steins] Here.

A summer borscht popsicle should do the trick.

[Holloway] We cool?

[Steins] Yeah, we're square.

I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to this reality.

[Holloway] Reality?

[Steins] Come on.

I'll drive us back to the precinct.

[Holloway] Drive?

Horse people aren't allowed to drive.

[Steins] What?

[Holloway] You're lucky I let you sit in the car.

[Steins] Huh...

Well I guess that's that.

Interdimensional problem solved?

[Holloway] Whatever, I'm heading up the titty bar.

[Credit Music]

[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd,

Jocelyn Sunrise, Pedro Gonçalves, Maelle Jayet.

Directed by MJG.