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Episode 2 - Soup Kitchen
Episode 219th December 2019 • Squad Car 22 • Deep Drag
00:00:00 00:12:40

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Join Officer Steins & Officer Holloway on their second adventure where they find a 2.5 Reality Divergence Device in a soup kitchen walk-in freezer. This episode stars Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd, Pedro Gonçalves, Jocelynn Sunrise, and Maelle Jayet. Squad Car 22 is a sci-fi, comedy podcast by Deep Drag.

Subscribe to our Patreon at https://www.patreon.com/DeepDrag

Like our Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/pg/SquadCar22

Listen to us anywhere fine podcasts are listed such as iTunes, Spotify, & Captivate.fm

Music and Sound Effect Credits:

Special Thanks to Zac Wilkins for our theme song, Cop Show Blues Jam 1 & 2 https://www.looperman.com/loops/detai...

And CallMeKing for the sci-fi song, Defy This, https://www.looperman.com/loops/detai...

We can't forget about our favorite composer, Kevin MacLeod - Music from https://filmmusic.io

"Parisian" by Kevin MacLeod (https://incompetech.com)

License: CC BY (http://creativecommons.org/licenses/b...) 

And Thank You to the folks over at freesound.org and looperman.com . A full list of all the SFX and loops with credits can be found at DeepDrag.com

Transcripts

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[Music]

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[Narrator 2] Previously, on Squad Car 22.

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Officer Steins and Holloway paid two homeless people $40 and half a Big Gulp to use their

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clothes.

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While our heroes saved the world from a Mad Scientist and a giant Squid-Pig, the ungrateful

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homeless people reported what had happened to various media outlets and social justice

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groups.

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[Police Radio] Got a 288 at 13 Garden Street.

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[Officer Holloway] Where's Officer Jenny?

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[Officer Lloyd] She's been on vacation for the last week.

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[Officer Steins] First I've heard of it.

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[Officer Holloway] Then who have I been flirting with on the radio.

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[Officer Lloyd] Yeah, I'd appreciate it if you stop that.

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It's a bit uncomfortable when you start with a CB sex.

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[Captain Bullstrong] Chauncy!

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Mumford!

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Get in here!

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[Officer Steins] Leave the talking to me.

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[Officer Holloway] Don't worry.

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Me and the captain go way back.

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I've got this.

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[Officer Steins] Sir!

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[Officer Holloway] Wow, smells nice in here.

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I'm digging that scented candle.

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What is that, sandalwood?

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[Steins] Dude...

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[Holloway] No, it's got more of an earthy tone to it.

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I'm guessing patchouli.

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[Captain Bullstrong] Not that it's any of your business, but it's Moroccan fig.

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[Holloway] Very soothing.

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You know I can feel the stress just lifting off my...

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[Captain Bullstrong] Can it, Mumford.

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[Sighs.]

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[Captain Bullstrong] What the hell were you two thinking?

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I should suspend you both for a week.

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[Steins] Sir, we had a situation and we dealt with it, sir.

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[Captain Bullstrong] Have you had a look out front?

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[Steins] Sir, we came in the back door, sir.

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[Captain Bullstrong opens the window.]

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[Crowd] Homeless people aren't hopeless.

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They need clothes too. Homeless people aren't hopeless. They need clothes too.

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[Captain Bullstrong] Every liberal snowflake in the county is on our lawn.

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[Steins] That's what this is about.

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[Holloway] We can get rid of them, no problemo.

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[Steins] A little tear gas goes a long way.

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[Holloway] Yeah.

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[Captain Bullstrong] Hmm!

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This situation is nothing to laugh about.

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For the next 24 hours you two will be volunteering down at the soup kitchen.

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[Holloway] Ah come, on those freaks out there will protest anything.

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You give in this time and tomorrow they'll be rallying for health care.

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[Steins] Ugh, health care.

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Let's suit up the squad in riot gear and go out there.

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[Captain Bullstrong] I don't want to hear another word. [Sighs]

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Now get your butts down to that shelter.

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[Steins drives the squad car down the road.]

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[Holloway] Man, he was in a mood.

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[Steins] No shit.

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[Holloway]I don't know why he was so peeved over a couple of social justice squatters.

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[Steins] It's because he's, you know...

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[Holloway] Cuz he's what?

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[Steins] Black...

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[Holloway] Huh?

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[Steins] They have more sympathy for stuff like that.

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[Holloway] That sounds kind of, I don't know... racist.

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[Steins] Hey I'm the last guy anyone would call racist.

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My first girlfriend was black.

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[Holloway] Oh sorry....

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[Steins] I listen to black music all the time: Parliament, Hendrix, UB40.

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[Holloway] So you're saying we have to go spoon soup cuz the captain's black?

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[Steins] Woah, woah, woah, now you're just twisting my words.

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[Holloway] I'm not judging...

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[Steins] There's nothing to judge.

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[Holloway] Yeah... of course...

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[Steins] Stop looking at me like that.

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[Holloway] ...like what?

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[Steins] Like I just tore the wings off of a butterfly.

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[Holloway] ...Maybe we should just go inside.

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[Steins & Holloway step across the parking lot into the soup kitchen.]

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[Chef Rolland] Marcel!

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I told you to caramelize the onions.

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[Chef Rolland] What are you doing in ma cuisine?

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[Holloway] My cui..?

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[Chef Rolland] Oui, ma cuisine.

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[Steins] Captain Bullstrong sent us.

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[Chef Rolland] Ah, the officers who sit on the homeless.

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[Holloway] What?

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[Steins] Look, we're just here to serve soup.

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[Chef Rolland] Serve the soup?

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I think not.

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You will wash the dish.

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[Holloway] That's like a hundred bowls.

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[Steins] Yeah, come on, we're not here to clean up that slop.

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[Chef Rolland] You will wash the dish or you will crawl back to your Capitan Bullstrong

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[Steins] All right, all right, all right.

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[Chef Rolland] Oh, putan! Marcel!

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What is this?

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[Holloway] Well, I guess we better get washing.

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[Steins] Is that split pea?

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[Holloway] I think it just moved.

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[Steins] You should really put on some rubber gloves.

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[Holloway] Me?

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What about you?

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[Steins] I'm going to investigate.

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[Holloway] Come again?

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[Steins] I need to get the lay of the land, make a mental map of the compound.

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[Holloway] Mmm, it sounds like you're ditching me.

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[Steins] What?

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I'm looking out for us.

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I'm doing this for you.

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I'll be right back.

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[Holloway] Can you at least check if they have popsicles?

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[Steins] What are you 12?

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[Holloway] All day I've been craving a popsicle.

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[Steins] Fine, I'll see what's in the freezer.

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[Steins strolls back to the freezer lock.]

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[Steins shivers as he explores the freezer]

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[Steins] Man, it's cold in here.

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Let's see.

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Chicken noodle, minestrone, lobster bisque.

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We'll I'll be!

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summer borscht popsicles.

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[Steins strolls to the back of the freezer.]

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[Steins] 2.5 Reality Divergence Device?

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Press here to change your life?

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Must be some kind of soup kitchen humor.

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[Steins clicks the machine's button.]

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[The machine whirl to life.]

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[It's hum gets louder and louder.]

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[Steins] Hmm, that might have been a bad idea.

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[The sound of the machine reaches a crescendo]

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[Silence]

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[Steins] What just happened?

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Why does it feel like I have a furry face?

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No, no, no,

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[Steins clops down the hallway.]

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Where's the bathroom in this place?

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[Steins clops down the hallway, and turns on the bathroom sink.]

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[Steins] Oh crap, oh crap on me.

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I've got, I've got a face like a horse.

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Oh shit, oh shit on me, I've got a tail.

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That machine actually worked.

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I'm in a reality 2.5 degrees different from my own.

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And in this world

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I'm a horse-man.

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[Holloway washes dishes in the kitchen.]

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[Chef Rolland] Marcel, what is this? You cut the shrimps all wrong.

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[Chef Rolland] La bouillabaisse is ruined.

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[Steins Clops into the kitchen.]

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[Holloway] Hey, you know the rules, ain't no horse-folk allowed in the kitchen.

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[Steins]Dude, it's me, your partner.

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[Chef Rolland] I'm sorry, but you must take your hooves out of here.

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[Steins] Shit, I've got hooves?

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[Chef Rolland] Hooves.

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[Steins] That's what I said, hooves.

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[Chef Rolland] Just go before somebody sees you.

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[Holloway] Dude, you're supposed to be outside cleaning around the dumpster.

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If the health inspector catches you in here, they'll shut the whole place down.

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[Chef Rolland] Look, it's nothing again you.

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But what can I say, you are cheval.

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[Holloway] Yeah it's not personal.

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[Steins] Not personal?

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You're treating me like I'm some sort of animal.

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[Holloway] Well I mean...

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[Steins] I'm a horse-man.

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You hear me?

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Horse-man.

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[Holloway] It's cool.

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Don't be no mule.

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[Steins] Now I'm a mule?

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[Steins smacks Holloway.]

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[Holloway] Ouch man, that hurt.

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[Chef Rolland] Oh là, so stereotypical, so horse.

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[Holloway] I better not have a black eye.

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[Steins] You're lucky I didn't break your nose.

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[Holloway] If my eyes busted, I'm suing the saddle off you.

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[Steins] I don't need this.

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I'll just go back in the freezer lock, press the machine's button, and 'poof.'

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I'll be back in my own reality.

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[Steins clops back to the freezer.]

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[The machine sparks and buzzes.]

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[Steins] What the hell?

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The dimensional device?

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It's broken?

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I'm stuck in this reality?

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I'm stuck in a horse-man's body?

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[Holloway steps into the freezer.]

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[Holloway] Hey, don't get all Chuck Norris on me.

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I'm just here to get some ice for my eye.

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[Steins] Here.

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A summer borscht popsicle should do the trick.

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[Holloway] We cool?

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[Steins] Yeah, we're square.

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I guess I'm just gonna have to get used to this reality.

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[Holloway] Reality?

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[Steins] Come on.

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I'll drive us back to the precinct.

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[Holloway] Drive?

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Horse people aren't allowed to drive.

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[Steins] What?

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[Holloway] You're lucky I let you sit in the car.

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[Steins] Huh...

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Well I guess that's that.

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Interdimensional problem solved?

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[Holloway] Whatever, I'm heading up the titty bar.

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[Credit Music]

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[Narrator] Starring Sebastian Steins, Nathan Feuerberg, Martin James Grapengeter, Lewis Lloyd,

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Jocelyn Sunrise, Pedro Gonçalves, Maelle Jayet.

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Directed by MJG.