Ever suggest dinner plans only to hear an immediate "no" from your partner? Or find yourself automatically disagreeing with suggestions before you've even thought them through? You're not alone—and it's not personal.

In this episode, we're diving into the fascinating world of communication patterns, specifically exploring whether you're a sameness or differences person, or a matcher or mismatcher.

Understanding these communication styles can completely transform how you navigate conversations with your spouse, friends, and colleagues. We'll also explore how seeing similarities versus differences affects everything from perfectionism to everyday interactions. Grab your favorite beverage and join us for a conversation that'll make communication feel a whole lot smoother and way less stressful.

What We Talk About

• 00:06 - Welcome and introduction to communication styles and patterns
• 02:52 - The difference between people who see similarities vs. differences
• 04:22 - How perfectionism might be linked to sorting for differences
• 05:45 - When seeing differences is actually a superpower (hello, typo spotting!)
• 07:45 - The frustration of showing your finished project to someone who immediately spots the mistake
• 09:01 - How to ask for what you need: "I just want you to be excited, not offer advice"
• 11:06 - What is mismatching and why some people automatically say "no"
• 15:58 - How to present ideas to a mismatcher without triggering their automatic "no"
• 16:37 - The magic phrase: "I don't know if this is anything you'd be interested in..."
• 19:44 - How to tell if you're a mismatcher (and why it's not a bad thing)
• 21:29 - The difference between mismatching and not wanting to be told what to do

Key Takeaways

Similarities vs. Differences: Two Different Communication Worlds

Some people naturally see what's similar when looking at things, while others immediately spot what's different. Neither is better or worse—they're just different ways of processing information. Understanding which communication pattern you have (and which one your partner has) can save you tons of frustration and miscommunication.

Perfectionism and Difference-Spotting May Be Connected

If you're constantly seeing what's not perfect, you might be someone who naturally sorts for differences. Perfectionism often means constantly noticing what takes you away from perfection rather than celebrating what's already good. The good news? This pattern can evolve over time with awareness and practice.

Mismatchers Aren't Being Difficult—They're Protecting Themselves

If someone in your life automatically says "no" to suggestions, they might be a mismatcher. This knee-jerk reaction is often a protection mechanism—a way to preserve their ability to make their own decisions without feeling pushed or manipulated. It's not personal, and it's not permanent (they often come back a day later saying "actually, that sounds good").

The Magic of Neutral Phrasing for Better Communication

Instead of asking a mismatcher a direct yes/no question ("Want to go to the new Italian place?"), try neutral phrasing that opens a conversation: "I don't know if this is anything you'd be interested in, but I heard about this new Italian place..." This communication technique allows them to hear the information and respond based on what they really want, not just their automatic reaction.

Ask for What You Need in Conversations

It's not cheating to tell someone what kind of response you're looking for. Whether it's "I just want you to be excited, I'm not looking for feedback" or "I'm just venting, not looking for solutions," being clear about what you need helps both people have a more satisfying conversation.

Bottom Line

Understanding whether you or the people in your life are matchers or mismatchers, similarity- or difference-spotters, can completely transform your communication. These patterns aren't character flaws—they're just different ways our brains are wired to process information and protect ourselves. The key is awareness: notice your own communication patterns, recognize them in others, and adjust how you present information accordingly. When you do, conversations become easier, relationships feel smoother, and everyone gets more of what they actually want.

Listener Action: This week, pay attention to how you respond when someone asks you a question or makes a suggestion. Do you feel guarded? Put on the spot? Do you automatically say no, or do you need more time? Notice the pattern without judgment—just observe. Then, if you're trying to get a "yes" from someone in your life, try using neutral phrasing instead of direct questions and see what happens.

Connect With Us

We'd love to hear from you! Did this episode help you recognize a communication pattern in yourself or someone you love? Let us know:

• Leave us a voicemail: 413-424-GTGE (4843)
• Comment on social media: @gettingtogoodenough on Facebook, Instagram, and YouTube
• Email: gettingtogoodenough@gmail.com

Related Episodes

• Episode 53: Preventing Overwhelm - Dives into boundary-setting for people-pleasing perfectionists—essential listening whether you're a mismatcher or matcher who struggles with feeling pushed into decisions.
• Episode 17: Asking for Help - Discusses how to communicate your needs clearly.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:00:06

Hey there. Welcome to getting to Good Enough. I'm Shannon Wilkinson.

Janine Adams: 00:00:10

And I'm Janine Adams. We're here for practical and fun conversations about living with more ease and way less stress.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:00:17

Yep. We're all about embracing progress over perfection. So grab a tasty beverage and let's get started. Hey, Janine.

Janine Adams: 00:00:27

Hey, Shannon. How are you?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:00:28

I'm doing really well. How are you?

Janine Adams: 00:00:31

I'm doing really well, too. I'm enjoying the chance to talk to you.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:00:35

I know. It's so nice to have this regular time.

Janine Adams: 00:00:38

Yeah. Yeah, it's great.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:00:41

It's super easy to say yes to.

Janine Adams: 00:00:45

Yeah, I mean, that's true. This was something that I said yes to immediately seven years ago that we started the podcast. One of those channel wants to do it. Okay, I'll do it.

And then, then it was easy to say yes to bringing it back. No, it took a little work. Revisionist. Revisionist history here.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:01:09

Once you got to yes, then it was easy to keep saying yes. And like you were. Once you were on board, you were really on board. But there was a little reluctance maybe.

Janine Adams: 00:01:26

Okay. I. I wish I could remember that. I totally believe you and I believe that I would be reluctant.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:01:34

Yeah.

Janine Adams: 00:01:34

But.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:01:35

But it, but it wasn't, it wasn't. It wasn't like I had to spend a lot of time convincing you.

I think it was just like the idea had to be presented and then just like periodically show up until you came around to thinking that it was a good idea that you wanted to do.

Janine Adams: 00:01:56

You could. You could write or not write. Well, you could write a book, but you could also make a lot of money teaching people how to present things to get to.

Yes, because you're very good at it and you offer great advice in talking to one's spouses, for example.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:02:12

Well, yeah, because the usual sort of sticking point we all have is talking to people as if they were like ourselves and. And so often they are not like us.

Janine Adams: 00:02:25

Exactly. So if we approach somebody else the way we want to be approached, that may not be the way to get to yes.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:02:32

Right?

Janine Adams: 00:02:33

Huh? Correcting.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:02:35

Yeah. Now I feel like this is what we should talk about.

Janine Adams: 00:02:39

I. I know. Let's do it.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:02:41

We can. Okay. Yeah. Yes. Look at how that works.

Janine Adams: 00:02:49

Yeah, let's talk about that.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:02:52

I think one of the biggest times that people notice a huge difference, and I think this is. Might be what you're referring to in terms of talking to your spouse is in, I don't know, I guess psychology.

And I learned it in my neuro linguistic programming training. But people who look for similarities in things.

Like when they're looking at a variety of things, they see what's similar, and there are people who see what's different, and those are really different worlds to live in. And you're a similarity person.

Janine Adams: 00:03:37

I definitely see similarities, yes.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:03:39

And your husband is a differences person.

Janine Adams: 00:03:43

Yes.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:03:45

And.

Janine Adams: 00:03:46

And until you help me, that. That made it difficult to. Sometimes to communicate.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:03:52

Yeah. And I'm. I'm a mix.

I used to be a person who primarily sorted for difference and then similarity, and now I've become more of a person who sees similarity and sorts for differences.

Janine Adams: 00:04:16

And so this is. Can be an evolving thing.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:04:22

Absolutely. And I. And I think now I'm. I haven't ever put this together, and I may be wrong because it's quite possible.

I talked about this in a previous podcast, but I don't remember.

So it feels like a new revelation to me that perfectionistic tendencies may be related to being a person who sees difference, who sorts for difference.

Janine Adams: 00:04:52

Is that because when you're looking for perfect, you're on the lookout for imperfect?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:04:59

Yeah. You're looking for things that take you away from perfection.

And I think that's what is sort of the tipping point between, like, striving for good or, you know, striving for success. And perfectionism is that perfectionism constantly sees what's not perfect. Right.

Janine Adams: 00:05:24

And that doesn't sound like a very pleasant place to live.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:05:28

No. But a lot of people feel pretty hardwired in that way and that it doesn't.

It doesn't feel like something you can change or something that can evolve over time. But definitely I'm a good example of how it can.

Janine Adams: 00:05:45

Yeah. I know that the pod that talking about this stuff for all those years had an effect on that, on your journey toward good enough.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:05:55

Absolutely.

Janine Adams: 00:05:57

Besides that, have you been trying to change this?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:06:02

Well, I think I've been more about trying to keep it in context. So there are situations where it's great to be a person who sees difference.

Like if you're editing some writing, typos jump out at you if you sort for difference, because you see the thing that breaks the pattern.

Janine Adams: 00:06:30

Right. And I try to harness Barry's seeing differences.

When I was learning to knit, and I would be knitting, and I'd come up with the wrong number of stitches on my needle, and I couldn't see the problem. I couldn't see the mistake. And I would just say to him, there's a mistake in here. Can you find it? He'd be like, boom, there it is.

You know, A drop stitch or an added stitch or whatever. Yeah, yeah. So I definitely feel those. The difference between those two things.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:06:57

Right. So you can see how in. In some respects, it's a.

It can be a little bit of a superpower of being able to identify, you know, see those patterns immediately. And I feel that, like, I'll open a menu and I'll see a typo. Like, it just has. It feels to me like it has neon lights on it. Yeah.

Like, I don't even have to read it if I feel like it pops out at me.

But it's sort of less enjoyable if you have, say, finished a knitting project, which you're really excited and happy about, and you show it to someone who sorts for difference, and they say the first thing they notice is the mistake. You know, they see a drop stitch in there.

Janine Adams: 00:07:45

Yeah, definitely that. I've lived to that. Yes. Now, and my takeaway from that, having experienced that, was I just stopped showing it to them. Or actually, he also learned.

He actually did learn not to say the thing that came to his mind.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:07:59

Right.

Janine Adams: 00:08:00

Yeah. Because that didn't go well. Yeah.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:08:04

But, you know, sort of knowing that that's how his brain is wired and how your brain is wired, it makes it easier to say, I want to be able to show you things and have you just be excited and not point out the mistakes.

Janine Adams: 00:08:19

Right. I'm not looking for that kind of feedback right now. It's done. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:08:25

I'm excited that it's done and I can show it to people. And that. And that's like a huge.

That's like a fundamental difference is like, understanding, particularly, you know, with a spouse or a partner, someone that you are interacting with a lot if. Particularly if you two see things differently or experience things differently. And.

Janine Adams: 00:08:54

Yeah, because it can lead to a lot of frustration if you don't. If you don't know it, if you don't recognize it for what it is.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:09:01

Yeah, yeah. And.

And it's helpful to tell the other person what you need from them so that you can get what it is that you want, as opposed to just continually being frustrated. And it's. Sometimes it's hard because I. I, like, sort of feel like that is cheating somehow.

Like, if I say, I just want you to be excited for me, I don't need any feedback right now. I just want you to be excited. But if I say that and then they're excited, I'm happy about that. Like, it's good.

Janine Adams: 00:09:37

Yeah. I could see how it could diminish the feel like it diminishes the authenticity of the. Of the excitement on the part of the other person.

But that's not fair to him or her because they're genuinely excited.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:09:52

Right.

Janine Adams: 00:09:53

I mean, then. Then you should have the full, the full benefit of that. Yeah, but you're right. Just saying those or.

I know, I don't know if this falls into that same thing, but like, sometimes when you have a problem, you don't want a solution suggested. You just want commiseration.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:10:11

Right.

Janine Adams: 00:10:14

And sometimes I will say that before I present. I'm just complaining about this. I'm not looking for a solution.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:10:21

Yep.

Janine Adams: 00:10:22

Yeah.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:10:23

Yeah. And. And that's super helpful for both of you because then you can have a conversation that is satisfying.

Like, you get what you want and then the other person doesn't feel frustrated that what they were trying to offer wasn't received well and.

Janine Adams: 00:10:42

Right. Yeah. Yeah. So that's a great. It's a great communication tool. Are there other.

I mean, you taught me about that similarities and differences thing about 20 years ago, and it was so helpful, like, so glad you went to NLP school. Are there other tricks or communication foibles that people could benefit from learning about?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:11:06

Yeah, there's also something called mismatching where it's. It sort of doesn't matter what someone is being told. Their inclination is to sort of go the opposite way or to say no immediately.

And I know I sort of fall on that. Like, you know how there's the sort of.

The sales technique of asking questions, of saying, well, if this could do this for you, wouldn't you want that? And my immediate reaction is like, no.

Janine Adams: 00:11:50

Is that because you're being sold to?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:11:53

I feel like I'm being sold to.

Janine Adams: 00:11:55

Right.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:11:56

Yeah. And I don't like that. I don't. I don't want to. I don't like to feel manipulated.

And I also don't want to feel like I'm making a commitment to something before I'm ready to make a commitment to it.

Janine Adams: 00:12:11

Yeah.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:12:12

So, you know, someone asked me that question. What I really want to be able to say is possibly, but I don't have enough information yet. I don't know.

And it's hard to say that in a conversation like that. Like, you know, it feels like a yes or no answer and to. To say the third thing, maybe I don't know yet is can feel. I don't know, it feels.

I guess it can feel a little combative, maybe, or like, I'm not. I'm not doing my lines properly. Like, you know, like the little people pleaser comes out. It is like. Yeah.

Janine Adams: 00:12:58

And it's extending the conversation that maybe you don't want to be having anyway. Yeah, I could see that being a hesitancy, like. Yeah, that's not what I want to talk about right now. I want to talk about whatever it is.

I want to talk about the features of that car.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:13:12

Right.

Janine Adams: 00:13:12

Not about. Yeah, but so the mismatchers tend to have a knee jerk reaction of no against a suggestion.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:13:22

Right? Correct. Yeah. Or, or, you know, whatever's being said, they're sort of immediately sort of feel like they need to be on the opposite side.

You know, it's a little bit of the kind of the let me be the devil's advocate here kind of thing.

Janine Adams: 00:13:42

Right.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:13:43

But. But the thing is that's often, that sort of pattern of thinking is often just a protection.

It's sort of like, you know what I was just saying, if you get asked that question of, well, if I could do this for you, would you buy it? It's sort of like I'm not ready to answer yes or no, but I'm gonna say no because I want to protect myself from whatever it is you're pitching me.

Or it's a way to sort of preserve their ability to make a decision and you know.

Janine Adams: 00:14:27

Yeah. Not get pushed around. And the opposite of that is what the opposite of a mismatcher is somebody who doesn't. Who.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:14:38

Yeah, does. Who maybe agrees with something, whether or not they really agree with it, just to be agreeable.

Janine Adams: 00:14:45

Agreeable, Right.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:14:48

To match as opposed to mismatch.

Janine Adams: 00:14:51

I see, Right. And that can have its ups and downs as well. I would think it's pros and cons.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:14:56

Oh yeah, absolutely. Yeah.

All of these things, I think initially start as kind of a way to protect yourself and then can maybe even feel a little problematic because it just happens so quickly. You don't even think about it. You may not even know that you're doing it. But it. That's just how your brain works.

And the thing about it is you can present ideas to a mismatcher, say in a way that allows them to hear the information and remain at a place of choice, like where they feel like they can make a real decision as opposed to having to just say the opposite of whatever it is that you said.

Janine Adams: 00:15:52

So if somebody were married to a mismatcher, they might want to hear how to do that. Right?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:15:58

They, they, maybe they do, but the, the easiest thing to do is to say up front, like to give them, to let them know that they have, they can make a real decision here. They don't have to just react to what it is you're saying.

And one of the easiest ways to do that is saying something along the lines of let's say you're trying to decide where to go to dinner and there's a place you want to try. But you know, if you say, hey, let's go to the new Italian place, they're going to say, no.

Janine Adams: 00:16:40

I can't relate to that at all, but go ahead.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:16:43

So if you say, hey, I don't know if this is anything you'd be interested in, but I heard about this new Italian place and you're not even asking a question, but you're putting this information out there and there's not a clear yes or no. And the implied question isn't even about the thing that you really want to know about.

You know, the implied question is whether or not they've heard of it or would be interested in it.

And so if people feel like that can be manipulative and really it's not, you're just providing information to someone in a way that they can hear it and respond based on what they really want as opposed to their sort of immediate reaction to being asked a question.

Janine Adams: 00:17:46

Right, so, so I want to hear that again. I heard it. I mean, I took in what you said, but is that if I were wanting to replicate that, it's a question that is neutral.

That's not do you want to go to France for vacation? It's a question that opens up the conversation without they're having to respond to the thing that you really want to ask to know.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:18:18

Right, right. So you could say, so using that example, you could say, you know, I don't know if this is anything that you would be interested in.

I've been thinking it would be kind of fun to vacation in France. And then, and that is just, it's an open ended phrase that is sort of masquerading as a question or a question. Masquerading.

Masquerading as a phrase that opens a discussion as opposed to asking a very straightforward question that's going to elicit an immediate response whether whether or not the person really feels that way.

And that's the thing that I've noticed with mismatchers that I have in my life is that they'll often say no immediately and then a day or two later come back and was like, oh, you know, I was thinking about that and you know, that does sound sort of interesting. But you know, I took them at their word and was like, oh, they don't want to do that.

And, you know, so it just allows you to have a conversation in a way that feels good to the other person.

Janine Adams: 00:19:44

That's excellent. And how would someone know whether or not they're a mismatcher?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:19:49

How would someone know that about themselves?

Janine Adams: 00:19:54

Well, pay attention.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:19:56

Yeah, I mean, pay attention when someone asks you a question. What. What's that like for you? Like, you know, do you sort of feel guarded? Do you feel put on the spot?

Do you feel like you can respond the way you really want to? Do you feel like you need more time just to start paying attention to your experience when someone asks you a question?

Janine Adams: 00:20:31

Yeah, because I. I don't. I realize. I don't know. I don't know necessarily where I fall in. In that if I'm a mismatcher or not, but what do you know about me?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:20:45

Yeah, you're not watching.

Janine Adams: 00:20:46

I'm not. Okay, good. I thought I wasn't, but. But I had this experience a few weeks ago when I was visiting a friend, and I put on.

I was wearing my maxi dress, and she said, I really think you could stand it. Shorten that by 2 inches. And I said, no, she's all, okay. And then within an hour, I said, you know, let's talk about that. And then I.

Before the end of the day, I had an appointment to get it hemmed, and now it's him. And she was right. She said, well, let me pin it up for you, and you can see. Okay. Sure enough, it was better.

But I definitely had that knee jerk reaction of no.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:21:30

Yeah, well, and that sounds like. And. And these things are sort of related, but I think that's more of you not wanting to be told what to do.

Janine Adams: 00:21:42

I knew you were gonna say that as soon as you started. Like, yeah, that was what that was. I don't like. I don't like to be told what to do. Yeah, I don't mind being asked to do things, but. Yeah, yeah.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:21:52

Like, how. How would it have felt in that situation if they said, hey, have you ever considered, you know, hemming that a little bit?

Like, brazing the hem a little bit?

Janine Adams: 00:22:04

Yeah, that would have felt much better. And I probably would have said, well, you know, let's try. Yeah, let's talk about that. Yeah, you're right. Okay, good. I don't want to be a mismatcher.

I don't know why. There's nothing wrong with being a mismatcher, but.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:22:17

No, there's nothing wrong with it. And especially when you Sort of know that that's what's going on.

And I think a little bit of it is like not wanting to be told what to do or not wanting to be, you know, sort of forced into a situation that they don't want to be in. And it's. It's a. It works finger quotes in a way, but it's not necessarily useful in a lot of situations.

You know, it's like, it's a strategy that people may not even know that they're employing that keeps them safe.

Janine Adams: 00:22:59

But.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:22:59

But it just isn't. It just isn't always helpful. Yeah.

Janine Adams: 00:23:07

Very interesting.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:23:09

Yeah. But I think it's a good thing to sort of notice.

And like I said, I've been trying to sort of use my ability to see similarities and my ability to see differences context specific.

Like, weirdly, with faces, I feel like I'm very much a similarity person, because when I see people, I'm always thinking like, oh, they look like so and so, or, you know, they remind me of this person or whatever. Which is really very much about finding similarities as opposed to differences, I think.

Janine Adams: 00:23:49

I wish I saw more differences when it comes to faces because. Because I now live in a building with 300 people and. And it'd be nice to really be able to hone in on the individuals more than I do. That's.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:24:02

That's interesting. I hadn't really put that together, but I think that does help you differentiate people. Yes.

Janine Adams: 00:24:12

Yeah.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:24:13

You know, seeing what's unique. Yeah.

Janine Adams: 00:24:17

If I want to try to practice, this would be a good place to practice, right?

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:24:22

Oh, yeah. That would be a great way to practice it. But I noticed that you said if you wanted to, so.

Janine Adams: 00:24:27

Yeah, I have to think about that.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:24:30

Not committing to it.

Janine Adams: 00:24:32

Not committing to it. No. You know, if I commit to something on this podcast, I like to. To stick. Stick with it.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:24:38

I know you wouldn't be able to report back.

Janine Adams: 00:24:40

Exactly.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:24:43

I get it. I totally get it. But yeah, it's. It's just interesting to sort of pay attention to how the people in your life do that. And.

And I really do think that paying attention to sameness and similarities has eased some of my perfectionistic tendencies.

Janine Adams: 00:25:09

Nice. Well, that's really cool.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:25:12

Yeah. Yeah, I know. I love stuff like that. Like, really that it seems so simple.

Janine Adams: 00:25:21

Yeah. I love it when. I love it when you explain that stuff.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:25:26

Oh, good. I hope our listeners also love it.

Janine Adams: 00:25:29

Me too.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:25:33

You can let us know if you do or if you don't, or if hearing this made you realize something about yourself or your partner. You can let us know on social media, on Instagram, Facebook, or YouTube at Getting to Good Enough.

-gtge: 4843

Janine Adams: 00:26:05

Portland, Oregon, and Janine Adams in St. Louis, Missouri.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:26:10

And we hope that Good Enough is getting easier for you. Thanks for joining us on Getting to Good Enough. We hope you heard something that makes your life just a little bit easier.

If you did, leave us a review or share this with someone who's looking for their own version of Good Enough, thanks for listening.

Janine Adams: 00:26:29

See you soon. Did you say the social media channels? I did. I'm sorry.

Shannon Wilkinson: 00:26:46

Oh, it's fine. Don't worry about me. I'll just be over here wrapping up the podcast while you're, you know, on to your next thing.