Understanding the command in Ephesians 5 for husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the church reveals a depth that often goes overlooked. While many husbands might nod in agreement with this directive, the real challenge lies in grasping what true love entails beyond mere sentimentality or superficial acts of kindness. This episode digs into the nuances of love, highlighting how easily we can confuse genuine affection with counterfeits like strategic niceness or passive kindness, which may seem loving but ultimately fall short of biblical standards. We explore how these imitations can obscure our understanding of love's true nature, which calls for selflessness, sacrifice, and a commitment to the well-being of our partners. Join us as we unpack this vital topic, encouraging a deeper reflection on what it means to love authentically and the transformative power of Christ-centered love in our marriages.

Takeaways:

• The command for husbands to love their wives is both simple and profoundly complex, demanding a deeper understanding than mere agreement.
• True love, as exemplified by Christ, requires self-sacrifice and genuine care, going beyond surface-level niceness to embrace a heartfelt commitment.
• Counterfeits of love, like strategic niceness and passive kindness, often masquerade as genuine affection but fail to address the deeper needs in a relationship.
• Biblical love is not transactional; it does not keep score or seek immediate returns, but instead focuses on long-term commitment and the well-being of the other person.
• Understanding what love truly means is essential for husbands; it requires examining one's motives and actions rather than just performing loving gestures.
• Real love demands initiative and engagement, not just passive politeness, and it flourishes in the fertile soil of patience and truth.

When the apostle Paul commands husbands to love their wives, the instruction appears at first glance anyway, to be pretty simple.

Husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

That Command from Ephesians 5 is so familiar, it's quoted in weddings and marriage classes and men's retreats and counseling sessions, books on homes.

And most men who hear it, they wouldn't argue with it.

Very few husbands would openly say, I don't believe I should love my wife.

But very few would reject the word love at all.

They would think that would be something they needed to do for their wives.

In fact, most men would probably say, of course I love my wife.

That's why I married her.

That's why I work so hard, or that's why I stay with her, or that's why I try so hard.

But the danger is that we may agree with the command before we've really allowed the command to be understood and makes an impactful change in our lives.

Because love is one of those words that everybody approves of, but for some reason, they don't honestly define it.

We can use the same word and mean very different things by it as well.

One man may say, well, I love my wife.

And by that he means he provides for her.

And, you know, in that way he shows his concern.

Another may say, I love my wife.

And by that he means, I don't yell at her, I don't abuse her.

Another thinks that when he loves his wife, he means, by it, I still desire her.

Another might mean, I try to keep her happy so we can avoid conflict.

Another might think, I've stayed with her all these years and I've not left her, therefore he loves her.

And all of these things may have some relationship to love, but none of them by themselves really defines the true biblical meaning of love.

And that's where we want to unpack this meaning and to look at some of the counterfeits of love that exists today.

The Bible does not allow us to define love by sentiment or by personality, certainly not by our convenience, what's convenient for us at the time, or what we feel like doing, or because we're bored with what we're doing at the present time, and we have a little time to show some concern.

It certainly isn't related to romance.

It's not related to provisions that we meet for or outward decency alone.

But Scripture takes love down into the heart, where it examines the one's motive.

What is it that drives the person to do what they do.

It examines character, the willingness to sacrifice and to put others ahead of yourself.

It examines whether our conduct is truly aimed at the good of the other person or the weather.

We're just simply using the appearance of goodness to protect ourselves.

And so this is where the issue becomes very uncomfortable for us men.

Human beings have a remarkable ability to imitate love without really practicing its substance.

We can do loving or looking things that look like love for self centered reasons.

We can speak in a gentle voice while refusing any responsibility to being present and listening and to seeking to comfort or whatever the needs may exist at the time.

We can provide money, yet withhold presence.

We can give gifts.

Many people think that's how we show love.

And yet they do that to avoid repentance.

We can apologize, you see, to end a conversation that's a little bit.

We feel that's become difficult.

Rather than changing our behavior or changing a pattern of life, we just say I'm sorry.

And we can be affectionate when we want something.

We can be quiet when we should speak, busy when we should be present and agreeable when we are actually afraid and kind of unwilling to know or unable to know what to do.

And so we just don't do anything at all.

And that means that one of the great questions that a man must ask himself is not merely do I love my wife?

But do I understand what love really is?

And that question matters because the flesh is a master counterfeiter.

We've been talking about the flesh and the spirit, things the Bible discusses quite often.

That contrast is talked about quite a bit.

But the flesh does not always show itself in obvious cruelty.

Sometimes it shows itself in respectable forms.

I used to preach a sermon called Respectable Worldliness.

Of course that was always got an attention because that title, one can hardly wonder how worldliness could ever be respectable.

But it's only meant to show that that as well as fleshly things can have an appearance.

Sometimes selfish people wear clothes of responsibility.

Sometimes fear wears the clothes of peace.

Sometimes control wears the clothes of kindness.

Sometimes emotional absence can wear the clothes of hard work.

And if we don't allow scripture to expose those imitations, then we spend our years congratulating ourselves for a version of love that is never really required of us to become more like Christ.

The command you see in Ephesians 5 is not husbands be reasonably nice to your wives.

It doesn't say husbands avoid being harsh enough that people notice.

It's not husbands make money and keep the bills paid, or husbands keep the house quiet.

Paul simply says, love your wives as Christ loved the church.

And that pattern is key because he gave himself up for her.

Now that's not very shallow, that's very deep.

It's not casual, it's not sentimental.

It's cross shaped love.

It's sacrificial love.

A cross shaped love exposes counterfeit love.

Christ didn't love his people strategically, as though kindness were a tool for getting his own way.

He didn't love passively standing at a distance while his bride remained helpless and only exerted himself or, or made his presence known when there wasn't any other way out, when he had to.

And he didn't love merely by providing something external while withholding himself.

He gave himself, he came near, he bore the cost, and he acted for our good when it required his suffering.

He told the truth.

See, he wasn't willing to hide that.

He washed feet as an example of servitude.

But yet he confronted sin, he carried our weaknesses.

He did not manipulate, he did not withdraw.

He did not hide behind religious sentiment or religious language.

It was truth that was important to him.

And so today I want to talk about what I am calling the counterfeits of love.

These are simply patterns that may appear loving on the surface, especially in marriage, but underneath there's something else, and they're very common.

They may even be praised by others.

They may see that as love, but they fall short of the love that Scripture demands and commands.

The three counterfeits that I want to consider today are strategic niceness.

Where we are again, as far as appearance is concerned, we're that nice, gentle guy.

The other is passive kindness.

And the third is protective provisions.

Each one of these can look very respectable, each one can be defended, and each one can deceive a man into thinking that he's a loving person.

But each one avoids something very essential with strategic niceness.

It avoids true sincerity.

Passive kindness avoids the responsibility of headship and showing initiative being an example.

Protective provision avoids being present.

And genuine love requires all three.

But there's something missing if, if they stand alone.

So let's begin with the first counterfeit and talk about strategic niceness, one of the most common counterfeits of love today.

This is what happens when a man becomes very attentive, affectionate, maybe agreeable, not primarily because he's seeking the good of his wife, but because he's trying to produce a result.

You know, his behavior looks loving on the surface, but underneath that, kindness is just a tool.

In other words, we can show gentleness as a technique.

You know, compliments become a means to get something that we want.

Helpfulness maybe becomes a leverage for something later that he intends to insert or introduce.

He's not giving himself.

He's just making an investment from which he expects some kind of return.

Now, this may not even be planned out.

It may be altogether very subtle, but it's a part of the fleshly man.

It's the man that has not developed into that spiritual person.

He's moved and motivated by the carnal mind.

A man may consciously say, I'm going to.

I mean, he may not consciously say, I'm going to manipulate my wife today.

In other words, he.

He may not use that language in his mind, but the pattern reveals itself when he doesn't get what he wants.

And so if his kindness was sincere, then the kindness remains even when the results don't come.

But if the kindness is strategic, then disappointment quickly turns into irritation.

And that pleasant tone that he once had kind of disappears.

Or the generosity dries up.

The affection becomes cold.

He may not say it so plainly, but his attitude and his withdrawal, his quick temper or his tone of voice communicates, after all, I did, this is what I get from you.

And if he doesn't in fact, say it that way, he's thinking it.

That sentence exposes the counterfeit.

Now, true love doesn't keep that kind of ledger.

True love may be disappointed.

A person who loves can feel disappointment.

I'm not suggesting that.

But true love may grieve.

It may have to speak honestly.

True love does not say, though, my goodness was wasted because I didn't get the response I wanted.

That's not love.

That's bargaining.

That's trying to negotiate.

We see this in ordinary marriage situations all the time.

My husband, you know, he sees things that have been intense for a few days.

Maybe he becomes a little extra helpful around the house, brings flowers.

If it gets really bad, and he tries to find ways to compliment her, he may even do the dishes one evening.

And he speaks softly and gently to her.

On the surface, those are good things.

There's nothing wrong with flowers and compliments and doing the dishes and having a gentle tone.

In fact, that should be a part of our life.

But those may be beautiful expressions of love when they come from a sincere heart.

But suppose he's just doing them because he wants the conflict to disappear.

He doesn't like the unpleasantness, and he wants that to disappear without having to address the dearly, deeper issue.

He doesn't want to address the issue and really resolve the problem underneath.

Suppose he's hoping that if he's Nice enough.

Then she'll just stop asking about the unresolved problems.

Suppose he's giving affection in order to avoid confessing his mistake, his wrong, or his sin.

Well, then the action may be pleasant, but the motive is certainly evasive, isn't it?

Think about another example, and you may be thinking about a number of them already because you've experienced some part of it.

Imagine a man wants intimacy with his wife.

So he becomes attentive to her for several hours.

He listens more than usual.

He may sit in the kitchen table much longer than he normally does.

And he helps more than usual.

He becomes perhaps playful and complimentary and unusually thoughtful.

But when she doesn't respond the way he hoped, then all of a sudden he becomes resentful.

And suddenly the affection stops, the warmth is gone.

And you ask, she may be wondering, what was all that about?

His behavior reveals that his niceness was not the overflow of a settled love for her.

It was a strategic thing.

It was a strategy aimed at securing some reward.

Now, that does not mean a husband should never desire affection.

I'm not suggesting that.

And that sometimes becomes a problem when those things are withheld in a marriage.

Of course he should.

He should be very affectionate.

He should be close to her.

But marriage does include desire, but it includes it all.

It includes tenderness.

A man who loves his wife would want to romance her and show delight in her, enjoy communication with her.

But biblical love refuses to reduce the other person to an outcome.

It refuses to treat kindness as a vending machine where a man can just deposit good behavior and wait for what he wants to come out.

He gets to choose it.

He picks, pushes the button, and out comes the product.

Now, this is where First Corinthians 13 must be allowed to correct us.

And I don't know any time that I've read 1st Corinthians 13 that I didn't think, boy, I've got a ways to go.

Paul says love is patient and kind, but when he says love does not insist on its own way.

Wow.

That phrase cuts deeply into.

Right into this subject of strategic niceness, because it may look patient for a while, but underneath it's still missing on its own way.

It's still motivated by self concern.

It may look like kindness, but underneath that kindness is tied to an expected outcome.

It's what we're wanting to get out of it.

It's kindness with strings attached.

But love does not mean a man has no desire.

It just means.

And it doesn't mean that he never expresses needs.

Let's understand that those are important things.

Love doesn't mean that he becomes invisible.

But love does mean that his wife is not reduced to the person who must satisfy his expectations in order for him to remain kind to her.

And Jesus teaches this by his own life.

And when Paul said, love your wives as he loved the ecclesia the called out that sets the standard high in the sixth chapter of Luke, he says, if you love those who love you, what benefit is that to you?

For even the sinners, publicans and sinners love those who love them.

Now you know that principle applies in marriage like no other place.

If I'm only kind when kindness is returned, if I'm only tender when tenderness is guaranteed, if I'm only generous when I can see the benefit, then I have not yet entered into the love of Christ.

I'm still loving according to exchange.

I'm still loving according to transactions in hopes of again some return.

Christ centered love does not ask, what can I get out of it for myself?

It asks, what does faithfulness require of me before God?

And that's a very different question.

You know, a man may say, but I am nice to her.

The question is, why are you nice to her?

Are you nice because you delight to honor her as one made in the image of God?

Are you kind because Christ has been kind to you?

Are you gentle because the Spirit is forming that gentleness in you?

Are you nice because niceness has worked better than anger?

What is the motivation?

What's the drive behind the action?

Now that's an uncomfortable distinction.

But I think it's necessary for us to be able to answer the question, do I love my wife?

Some men learn that harshness creates resistance, and so they switch to softness.

Not because they've become less self centered, but only because softness is more effective.

They've learned that much.

They still want control.

They've simply changed the tool.

They no longer push with force, they pull with sweetness.

They don't demand openly.

They just create emotional pressure in a quiet way.

The goal is still the same.

It's control.

This is why Scripture continually brings love into the light of truth.

When Romans 12 says, Let love be genuine, that is to say without hypocrisy.

Some translations have it that word matters.

Genuine love is not performance.

Genuine love is not image management has nothing to do with what looks like love.

Genuine love is not diplomacy designed to keep one's own comfort intact.

It's sincere, it's genuine, and it can be tested when it doesn't get its way.

One of the clearest ways to test strategic niceness is to ask the question, what happens in me when my wife does not respond as I hoped?

Do I become cold?

Do I withdraw affection?

Do I punish with silence?

Do I accuse her of being ungrateful?

Do I keep score?

Do I say, I guess nothing I do is enough for you?

If that's true, the Lord may be exposing something, not merely a communication problem in your life.

He may be trying to identify or point out a counterfeit form of love.

In other words, he's trying to teach you what love is.

Imagine.

And this may be a way to illustrate this.

If you can imagine a man plants a garden.

He waters it one day, and then he walks outside the next morning, and he all of a sudden gets angry and throws the rake on the ground and wraps the water holes around the post.

Because he's thrown it in anger because there's no full harvest.

I watered this yesterday.

Where are the tomatoes?

Where are the beans?

Where's the corn?

We would say that man doesn't understand gardening.

Seeds require patience.

Soil requires care, is something that doesn't happen overnight.

Growth is not forced by frustration.

And in a very similar way, marriage has to be treated just that way with a great deal of patience and tenderness.

It has to be cared for.

A man can't sprinkle a little niceness over a relationship and then demand immediate fruit, you know?

See, love is not some kind of a trick that you play on somebody to produce a reaction.

Love is cultivation.

It's faithfulness over a long period of time.

It's steady, it's present even when the soil has been dry.

Love continues to do good.

Not because the harvest is instant.

Perhaps the harvest never comes.

But love is still there.

It's the right thing before God.

That's the love of Christ.

So strategic niceness, as we've called it, it fails because it wants the fruit of love without the character of love.

And that matters.

A wife can often feel the difference even when she can't immediately explain it.

She can sense that his kindness is tense.

She may sense that he's.

His compliments are loaded and know what?

Something's up.

She may sense that his generosity is not free and feel pressure rather than safety.

She may think he's being too nice.

But something about this does not feel settled in her.

It feels like I'm being managed.

That feeling, that impression, should not be dismissed.

When kindness is used as a means of control, it doesn't create trust, it creates caution.

And so the wife begins to wonder what's expected in return.

She may even appreciate the kindness and the action and the gentleness.

But she can't rest in it because the action doesn't feel like a gift.

It feels more like a negotiation taking place.

True love isn't that way, friends.

True love can say, I desire closeness, but I will not use kindness as a way of pressuring you.

True love can say, I want to be at peace, but I will not use politeness to avoid the truth and the hard, the hard problems, the hard things.

True love can say, I want our relationship to be warm and affectionate, but I will not make my tenderness depend entirely on whether you meet my expectation today.

That's the love of Christ.

And that kind of love is what should start to govern us now.

This does not mean love is passive or silent.

A husband may need to speak honestly about hurt and distance and intimacy and patterns and decisions and all the disappointments that he's expressing.

He needs to communicate those.

I'm not suggesting that we just clam up and, and not say anything at all.

But honest speech is different from strategic niceness.

Honesty in speech and communicating concerns says, here's what is happening in me and I want us to walk in truth.

But strategic niceness says, I'm going to behave in a pleasant way until I get what I want and then my real attitude will appear when I don't get it.

The Gospel calls a man out of that.

And the way of Christ is not that kind of approach.

Christ didn't love us because we were easy to love.

He didn't give himself because we had already responded beautifully.

In Romans 5, as we've been noting several weeks now, God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.

That's not transactional love.

It's not strategic niceness.

It's holy, sacrificial, initiating love.

A husband who is learning Christ centered love must therefore ask God to purify not only his actions, but his motives.

Lord, teach me to be kind without using kindness as a weapon.

Teach me to be generous without keeping score, to speak gently without trying to manipulate, to teach my children what it means to love.

Not as an outcome, not as something that I'm hoping to gain from it, but just because it's the right thing to do.

And that's where genuine love begins to replace the counterfeit.

Our second counterfeit love is a passive kindness.

It's similar.

It appears, though very differently.

It's not so much controlling in an obvious way.

It's not necessarily manipulative.

It may look Humble.

It may look gentle and peaceful, but I'm calling it passive kindness because it's the pattern in which a man avoids conflict so carefully that he rarely appears harsh, but he also rarely takes responsibility.

In other words, he's backing out.

He's slowly walking out backwards in hopes of avoiding the unpleasantness.

His tone is pleasant.

His words are agreeable.

He may defer decisions to her.

He may say, whatever you think, honey.

He may avoid raising his voice.

He may pride himself on being easy to live with.

And compared to angry, domineering men, that may be an admirable thing.

But avoidance can hide behind politeness just as easily as domination hides behind authority.

This is important here, friends, because not every failure of love is loud and abusive.

Some failures of love are quiet.

Some are gentle in tone, in appearance, but heavy in consequence.

Because a man can damage his home not only by being harsh, but by just not being there, by his absence, by his unwillingness to lead, to show the way, to set an example, to set the tone for his family.

He can burden his wife not only by controlling every decision, but also by refusing to carry decisions that rightfully require his own engagement, his own action.

So either way, neither one describes the love of Christ.

What we're talking about is when a man fails to love by refusing to act, whether it's to speak courageously, when there's a need that exists, or whether it's to do something, to initiate a certain way of life, to set a pattern for his family.

And often this kind of character says, I don't want to fight.

And that sounds real noble.

And certainly Scriptures warns us against being quarrelsome, but a husband should not be.

Should not only not be harsh with his wife.

You know, Colossians 3:19 says, husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

There is a difference between refusing harshness and simply backing out of responsibility.

There's a difference between being peaceable and being passive.

Biblical peace is not the absence of difficult conversations.

Biblical peace is not the fruit of absence.

It's the fruit of truth.

Seeking truth, speaking truth, getting to the truth.

It's a matter of righteous behavior, humility, repentance, forgiveness.

Sometimes peace requires a conversation that's very uncomfortable.

Sometimes.

Sometimes peace requires a husband to say, we need to talk about this.

Sometimes peace requires leadership.

Not in the sense of domination, but in the sense of loving initiative.

I've emphasized that.

I believe it is so important that men take leadership in the sense that they take initiative.

They are the first to act.

But passive kindness does not do that.

And and therefore it's not loving, because love always takes the initiative.

It doesn't wait to be asked, it responds because it loves.