"Yes, people can change and heal. But you can't give the people stuck in these abusive relationships false hope. Yes. You have to draw hard boundaries and say, Hey, you need to go to therapy, or I'm leaving you. So then they can transform on their own and do their own work cuz you can't fix them." - Raven Scott

Think Unbroken | CPTSD, Trauma and Mental Health Healing

Today I share a conversation I had on Michael's Unbroken podcast - How to Heal from a Narcissist in your life.

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Here are some key moments:

• [11:01] How did this happen to me?
• [11:45] Controlling Cult like Religion in my childhood normalized the emotional abuse
• [31:18] "we all have narcissistic traits to our ego uses to protect ourselves" work on healing your inner child to transform.
• [25:40, 26:34, 37:33] Be honest with yourself to get to the root and be free from the gaslighting

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. I am your host, Raven Scott,

this is episode

1 0 4. How to heal from a narcissist in your life. This is my guest feature on think unbroken podcast

this podcast, hit subscribe and rate and review. This podcast.

This episode is sponsored by better help. I numbed myself to stop the pain and I reached out to friends for. But it wasn't until I gained courage to leave and seek therapy that my dark abyss of hopelessness finally started to let in the light I was so longing for.

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I learned that I wasn't the selfish, lesser person. My ex convinced me I was in my therapy. I was able to get affirmation that I was truly being emotionally and sexually abused. That alone allowed me to release my trauma and grow into the strong coach and mentor that I am today, but I didn't just gain that alone in therapy.

I gained my sense of self autonomy back my power back and my confidence back. Join the 3 million plus people who have taken charge of their mental health with an experience better health therapist. Get 10% off your first month@betterhelp.com slash empath. That's better. H E L p.com/e M P a T H in the link in the show notes.

Today, I am sharing with you a special, such highly anticipated on my end. Episode. I was a guest on think unbroken by Michael. He is such a phenomenal person in the trauma, healing and podcasting community. He has worked his ass off to reach so many beautiful souls and has up to a million downloads on his podcast. And like he said, he's just been hustling and doing the marathon just as I am.

But I wanted to share with you a bit, a bit about Michael. He is a trauma survivor. He is a son of a drug addict and abusers. He was molested by family friend. His mother cut off his finger when he was He's was homeless by 10. He was a drug addict by 12. Alcoholic by 19 and morbidly obese twice. And he always felt like a total failure.

But he didn't sign up to be a spokesman for survivors of child abuse. In fact, You know, this job really sucks talking about trauma all the time. Uh, but the truth is, is that the universe chose him for this very role. And he's been gifted, the ability to navigate the most harsh and vicious child abuse to come out on the other side, seemingly whole.

And he says seemingly because there's always a part of him that was stolen, that he cannot get back. And I think that you, you and I can relate to None of the rage, none of the drugs, the sex, the rock and roll or anger will ever give him back. The thing that was stolen. The world is both beautiful and brutal.

And he has seen the best and the worst event, and he knows that the abuse. That he suffered has given him an undeniable strength that he and only he is able to tap into after falling face first into complete darkness. This I know in path you can relate to. There is truth and understanding that mindset is everything.

There are no shortcuts. Trust him. He has definitely tried at all. He's tried all the shortcuts and I have to, there is hard work and on the backside of that is getting your life back. Think unbroken is about sharing the tools and skills that he has created and leverage over a lifetime to help other people break free of the vortex and become the person that they know they're capable of being.

And if he can do it, then anyone can.

And that is Michael. That is his true essence. And it's so beautiful. So I can't wait to share with you my interview on his episode. And you'll hear amazing insight and feel his en just immense, powerful energy on the other end of the microphone. Let's make sure you find his podcast. If you haven't already to continue to support you in your trauma healing.

And without further ado, let's get into the conversation.

Thank you. Uh, I've been recording an audio version actually, of the book you just said, so my voice may be a little bit in and out. , I've been taking lozenges, trying to get through recording and reading the entire book. It's like 288 pages, so

Uh, Apple Juice, believe it or not, just seems to help for some reason. I have no idea why. It just does. Maybe old wives. Maybe it's a placebo effect, but it helps me. So, you know, maybe I'll try that. Maybe give that a try. Um, I'm very excited for this conversation, especially because we're going to, to dive into some really interesting things around not only narcissistic abuse, but about healing about mirror neurons, which I'm a big fan of and about like rewiring your brain.

Um, and so before we dive in, tell everybody a little bit about you and how you got to where you are.

The school I went to was so tiny my graduating. In high school was like 40 kids, which is insane. I actually met a, a friend in our neighborhood and he's like, Oh, I know that school. And I was like, Yeah, it was kind of like a cult, right? He's like, Yeah. So I won't say that I was in a cult, but I certainly was just on the tippy doe border and I was very sheltered and every decision that I made in my life was to please that religion, to please God, to please my.

and it really just set me up to be in another manipulative relationship. And unfortunately that was with a narcissist. Um, I even met him in the church. I was going to, I was heavily involved. I was a worship leader. I was a small group leader in my school and my church. And I even volunteered at a summer camp and that's where he met.

And he was my first boyfriend. And I really was very ignorant. I just didn't realize how blind I was to like life, how to live the world. I had no analytical skills to see that this person was setting me up to pull me away from my family. And I then became isolated. He said, Why are we even believing all this anyways?

And, and I was really, I, I switched my savior from God to him because he, he was like, Oh, well, he taught me all about the stars and evolution, which I wasn't taught in my school. I was taught creationism, which is a huge, uh, crux really for any human being to believe. But I digress. Um, and it was like, it, it just set me up for like switch.

My worship from one God to another, and everything he said was smarter than what I grew up with. I was angry that I was so sheltered. I was angry at my parents for having me be in such a situation that I, I was like being lied to, right. I felt like I was being lied to everyone in my life, and so I relied on him, and it was, it honestly was easy for him to isolate me because I was so mad and I relied on him for everyth.

How to live advice, how to look like. He even formed me into like how a real woman should look, which was creepily just like his mother. And so I kind of shredded around, you know, like arm candy on his arm looking almost identical to his mother and just this. Uh, strange codependent relationship formed, and I was with him for 10 years and I tried to leave multiple times.

Um, and then where I am today was just, I found the place. I found there was an aha moment, you know, combined with timing, it started to get physically abusive. And that was my hard boundary. That was, for some reason, emotional abuse, which I've heard more often than not, is easily overlooked. And people take that over the physical abuse.

And so once the physical abuse started, I said, Nope, Uhuh not going there. I'm removing myself and we're gonna go to therapy and work on our relationship. And that was derailed by him trying to cheat on me with my sister. And I was like, Oh, another boundary you just crossed, not going to therapy. And it started my question, the biggest question I had was, why did this happen?

How did this happen to me? I felt like my life was perfect. I had loving parents, and as I peeled away the onion and was writing my book, healing myself, going through different holidays with my family. I realized I was used to that type of manipulative abuse in my childhood and it, it was, it felt normal to be controlled in my thoughts, to be controlled and to please him cuz I was always pleasing others in my childhood.

So it was a really, really painful eye opening moment that is continually still peeling away that, you know what, this is something that I was used. And this emotional manipulation was easily accepted because it was not foreign to me. Hey,

Transform your childhood trauma into triumph during this a free event, unlock Michael and our special guests, exact blueprints to not just survive in a trauma filled world, but to transform trauma into triumph. In your life. Career and relationships, family, and secure your future.

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Join him for this free transformational event.

And that's doing what you want because you want to, and not doing what you don't want to do because you don't want to, and not because you're trying to appease and placate other people. Like I really feel like that's truth about what it means to go through this healing process, because in that, You're crafting, you're creating your identity, you're discovering who you are and, and it's hard, Like it's super fucking hard.

And I think about that all the time, and especially when you grow up in a religious background, especially if one is cultish, you know? And as listeners of this show know, and I've dove into many times, I grew up Mormon, and so growing up, being Mormon in the hood as a homeless kid is a very weird experience.

Let me tell you. Yeah, and it took a lot of questioning and a lot of asking why, and a lot of like looking at scripture and being like, Eh, something here doesn't add up. But you know, what's really interesting is when you start to combine not only experiences in religion, and again, I'm, I'm not being defamatory towards religion, like, you know, do your thing.

But what I am saying is that between religious sex, between school and between the way that society. Raises us, you know, through tv, through media, through all these things, it's you kind of predicated your entire life on being told what to do. And you know, it's really interesting because that is waved at with like a hand of defiance and people are like, How dare you freely think or have a critical thought?

And so what I'm curious about, like, you know, I think a lot of people will have difficulty. Creating a pathway on a timeline to understand causation and correlation. When, when you were younger and you're growing up in this environment, did it feel a skew to you? Did anything feel off, or do you think you'd just been so indoctrinated that you were like, Well, I guess it's just life?

I have to do the right thing to God. So I guess I can't, you know, be in a relationship with this boy because he's got darker skin. just because the Bible said, and this is exactly what was told to me to help me make my quote unquote decision, was the Bible says that, you know, you cannot be unequally, yolked.

And I felt so wrong to me, but at the same time I was so desperate to make sure I wasn't kicked out of the tribe because my sister and I write about this in my book. My sister was kicked, kicked out of our family because she, you know, got pregnant before she was. And that was a big thing right in the Bible, again, as that was a huge sin.

So it was just trauma induced within me to make sure that I was people pleasing, that I was making sure that I was following the rules to the T. And it was, it was traumatizing really, because emotionally I was enmeshed everything. Even if it felt wrong in that moment, I was like, Well, but I can't make them mad because they're telling me that this is the right thing to.

So for the most part it was indoctrination, with the exception of some of those instances where I was like, Hold up, wait a minute, this doesn't feel right. You. Yeah.

I was like, Are you sure? Like I, I, I would, I was the kid who always got kicked outta Sunday class because Sunday school class, because I'd be like, Why? Somebody ex, somebody explained, and again, I'm not being defamatory, but like explain to me how a dude lived in a well for three years. Can anybody please help me for this?

Or might have been three days, whatever it was, you

Was it really, So for me it wasn't courage because trust me, I had to suffer for a lot of those indignations. Yeah. It was, I just, I had to know. I had to know. And I think that that genuine, genuine curiosity is the very thing that has led me to where I am in my life. So, So what I think is interesting about your story and your journey is, so you're in this position where you're kind of measuring life and, and I'm gonna put words in your mouth, so please correct me if I'm wrong, but you're looking at life, You're saying, Okay, this is reasonable, for lack of a better way to phrase, This is who I am, this is what it's supposed to be, blah, blah, blah.

But this is the thing I won't allow. Right? The physical abuse, the wanting to cheat with your sister. Okay. Yeah. And you're like, Okay, so this is where I, where the line is crossed a lot of people who have experienced that level of, I'm gonna call it brainwashing cuz it is what it is. They don't know that that still is not okay.

And so when, when you're looking at this, like what are the traits, what are the things that people can be looking for in this aspect of these kind of relationships? Even like whether it's church or school or work or, uh, intimate relationships. Like what are some of these traits that people should be keeping their eye open for?

Because I have a feeling somebody's probably in a relationship like this right now and has no freaking idea. .

They may trick you into thinking you have autonomy, but you better look like this. You better wear high heels. You better eat salads and make sure you don't get fat because that. Not okay with them. They have to make sure that everything looks perfect on the outside. Um, and they don't really care if that harms you.

So other things I can see also, even with parents and children, and they don't really intend to, but they, they do this anyways, is, Oh, you know, eat this watermelon. And the child's like, I don't want to. And they're like, Oh, well just, you know, Do I have to eat all of it? Yes. You have to eat all of it. Well, right there, that's already control.

What does the child really want? Is it an apple instead of a watermelon? And then you get into this, like, then the parent will start to try and, uh, convince the child why watermelon is so delicious and nutritious versus allowing the freedom to choose between two fruits, right? That right there is a very tiny insidious.

Of not allowing anybody with autonomy, and it starts to condition you as a child to think that that's okay because a parent's convincing you that watermelon is better than Apple, where that could scientific not even be true, right? So it's just in the behaviors that we start to accept. As children. Let,

But the thing about autonomy makes a lot of sense, but one of the things that I'm curious about, when you started recognizing that you didn't have freedom of choice, but you're still kind of in this place of being brainwashed, how did you like reconcile that to be able to get to the place where you actually understood what was

God, it took me so many years, to be honest. , um, it, it was, it started with rebelling, right? Just like the little child says, I don't want to, It was like, I'm moving out and getting my own place. I'm not following by your, your rules anymore. And you know, I moved out. Without them there, it was almost like, you know, rebellious.

I didn't want any conflict. It's some of those different rebellious things that, that teenagers are so known for doing, but it's just them trying to fight back for their autonomy, because when they bring it up, They're not gonna be listened to. They're gonna have this perpetual lecture about how this is the way life is and this should be.

And guiding your child children with information is great, but when you are receiving a lecture that is one sided with no listening, which I received a lot in my whole life, really, but also in that romantic relationship, it was like, Oh, well you should, you know, allow me to sleep and treat me better. And then it would.

An hour and a half, two hour long lecture of why that idea was not actually correct and right. And then he'd flip my brain upside down and convince me that he was doing it for my own good. And it's just this brain gymnastics. So the first step is rebellion, and then the next step is just peeling away the layers.

Removing yourself from being like interacting with. Because you can really get linked into acting like a little child again when you're interacting with them versus as an adult or a teenager and , when you remove yourself and you, you do have to do some analyzing. Think back into your past about certain circumstances.

Well, what were their motivations for saying that were, Did they really have my best interest when they told me that this is the way, or, you know, treated me like, No, probably not. So start, you have to go back into the memory bank. What was the motivation? And typically you'll find, especially with a narcissist, that it's self-centered.

It is for controlling, it is for their own self-serving. Good. And when you start to see that and pulling yourself out of the situation. That's when you start to get resolved, that's when you start to really separate yourself for, cuz you typically, you are extremely enmeshed. You know, your identity is, you know, intertwined with them and their love and acceptance for you.

So it just, it takes time. A lot of analyzing, a lot of time apart from them. Yeah, a lot of healing, a lot of therapy.

Well, fuck, have you met my grandma? You know what I mean? And it's like, that's the whole thing about this journey. It's so intergenerational and you have to understand the reality. Often you are groomed and enmeshed because the people before you were groomed and enmeshed. And I would be shocked if you know this person who was in your life, if they didn't have that experience with their parents.

I don't don't think people normally just kind of come out that way. Right. And so, you know, it's interesting because we live in a, an odd time, I think specifically around the word narcissist, where everyone immediately goes, Everyone who has an opinion, has a narcissist. And I'm like, No, that's not really true.

Right. What it is is, Is that person trying to binge you so that you placate yourself for their needs, their wants, their interests? Are you losing your identity? Are you in this place where you're, you're brainwashed, right? And effectively they're creating the life for you. Because I, and I've said this on the show before I go look at relationships I was in in my early twenties, they were very reminiscent of what you would call a narcissistic relationship because of the way that I was.

I just thought that's how you treated people, right? And then I was like, Oh, well that's really fucking stupid. Maybe there's a different way to do this. And, and so there's, there's a weird conversation rounded as a whole, but I, I'm looking for more of these ultra red flags where people should be like, Oh fuck, I need to get outta here now.

But I think. Raven, that people even will see these big red flags. They will, in this conversation, maybe hear and recognize, Oh, I don't have the ability to be myself. I don't have the ability to make decisions and choices and show up on my own. And this person texts me at work 37 times a day and shows up at the job and doesn't leave me alone for more than eight seconds.

Like that to me, is fucking crazy red flag shit. And, and what I'm wondering though is, Being in that, looking at that, having that experience and trying to balance a world that says everybody's a narcissist, but also knowing like that's not true. How do you know if it's like, this is where I need to leave?

Because I don't know that people are able to really identify that until it's too late and then sometimes that too late is really dark.

You're holding onto the hope of what it was at the very beginning when they were reeling you in and love bombing you, and pretending they actually cared for you and had empathy, and they wind and dined you, and you're holding on literally to a thin thread of hope that that will come. and it never will.

I mean, unless you leave, like I leave seven times before I finally moved out on my eighth, you know, And I even wasn't strong enough to resolve, to stay away until he was crawling in his hand and knees. I felt guilty for getting so mad that I packed up and left. Uh, but then there would be like, Oh, well I'll buy you flowers now.

Like they'll do tiny little love bombings to make sure you stay. So that's also. Something to watch out for, but you need to be honest with yourself. Does this person, sorry, does this person have empathy for me? Meaning when I'm really hurting and when I'm sad, do they hold me and hold space for that or be really sad for me?

Or do they say, Why you crying? You should toughen up. Stop that. There's a red flag. So you need to be honest with your. and don't justify what they're doing to you and holding onto hope that they'll change and be who they were at the beginning, cuz they never will. That's just the facade.

Because I would have to push back on that just from my own personal experience of, again, looking at my relationships in my early twenties, I, I would be a proponent of saying like, people can heal and recognize causation and correlation and be able to live a different life. And I'm not saying it's easy and I'm not saying it's gonna happen for everybody.

My relationships with humans as a whole are totally different. Now, also I've done my 10,000 hours and probably dropped a quarter million dollars on my healing journey. But like I think about that a lot. Like I, I, I'm gonna only push back cuz I don't know that it's true only from her firsthand experience, but I will agree that I would say the vast majority of people, that's probably not going to be

Yeah. And of course typically those who do transform and. Have had really strong boundaries or really, you know, bad breakups that have happened. So maybe someone strong said, You know what? No more you are being abusive to me emotionally, you know, I'm, I can't be with you any longer. And maybe like for instance, that was you or someone else.

And they said, Wow, something's gotta change in my life. That's good. That means that more than likely you had narcissistic traits, but you didn't have the obsessive compulsive N P T N P D disorder. Um, so yeah, you're right. There's a, there's, there's some unique instances. And even I have a friend who's a coach and she is married still to her.

She calls her her, her narcissist, and he goes to therapy all the time. You know, So there's different, there's unique circumstances and yes, people can. , but you can't give also the people stuck in these abusive relationships. False hope. Yes. You know, you have to draw hard boundaries and say, Hey, you need to go to therapy, or I'm leaving you, and actually stay so then they can transform on their own and do their own work cuz you can't fix them.

I think that's the danger there.

And so coming through that traumatic experience, when people would cry around me, Oh my God. My reaction would always be like, You need to toughen up. Stop being a little bitch. Like you need to not ever cry ever. And, and then through therapy, it's like there's a commercial that comes on. I talk about this all the time.

There's a commercial that comes on this running commercial that Adidas made it, I'm just in tears, like bawling my fucking face off. Right? And so there, there is space for that. But I, I think one of the things that held true for me is I, I read this book and it's called The Truth by Neil Straus. And he. In his experience, he was like, I'm dating someone who is my mother.

And I was like, Oh my God, every relationship I'm in is my mother. And it was this really a, it fucking sucked. Like that's a really hard recognition to have in your life. Um, but the other side was like, Oh. Well, now that I know that I can do something about that, and, and I think that's what a big part of this is, but in order to do something about it, like you really, for me, what it was like, truth be told, is I, I realized that I had to build my confidence.

I had to build self love. I had to become an empathetic person for me first. Mm-hmm. , which. Arguably a nightmare because the first three and a half to four years of this journey, when I got serious over a decade ago, like sucked hard because it was like I never learned how to love myself. I don't know how to be this.

And that's what so many people have to understand, like when we tie our self worth and our independence and our values into another human being, And then we come to realize like, Wait a second, What if I can have that for me? Like it's a fucking uphill battle. And so I'd love to talk for you to talk about your own healing journey, the things that you did that have helped you progress forward and what some other people who are listening may be able to do as well.

And I talk about it all the time on my. The inner child work and meditation and being your parent for your own self. We all have our little child still in us and most all of us have been taught to stamp it down and to grow up and to be mature and, you know, Oh, that's so embarrassing. You know, that you would even go out and play or roller skater scooter as an adult.

Like we don't do. But that's what you need to heal. So that was the one of the biggest things that helped me heal was really asking my inner child, What do you need? And I had this guided meditation on my YouTube channel, Raven Scott Show where you go through and you, you hold and you recognize all of the expectations and the abuse and the pain and hurt that your parents put on you and your grandparents is ancestral heavy burden.

And you release it and your adult self brings your little child out into a magical garden and you heal. And then you get to connect with yourself and say, Hey, what do you need? What do you need today? And then do it. That's the challenging part, right? Do you wanna go build a Lego set? Go do it. Do you wanna go do cartwheels and dance barefoot in the grass?

Go do it. And that was a big part of my healing journey, cuz I. , I had never could be myself. I never could freely express myself and be adventurous because I always had to hold it together. To make sure I didn't disappoint my family. So that, that was one of the biggest things I

That for me was incredibly discombobulating because growing up and coming through traumatic background, one of the things that you discover when you kind of like start to do this work is that the, in my opinion, this is my opinion alone, that the, the, the real truth of trauma is that it's the theft of your identity.

And so going out into the world, creating that, discovering who you are, like it's hard. With the word empath, obviously being in the title of your book, like where did empathy come into this? Like what role did that play for you and also for like the, the people in your life at that time. Hey, what's up Unbroken Nation?

We'll be right back to today's episode, but I want to take a moment and invite you to think Unbroken conference. That's right. Our next conference is happening right around the corner this December with amazing speakers from around the world who are leaders in personal development, trauma, education, mindset, and more.

All you have to do to register to watch for free. That's right, $0. Come and join us is go to my unbroken life. Come register and sign up. You can get access to the free event, Watch it live with us this December. It'll be myself speaking along with amazing human beings like Anthony Trucks, Jamie Bronstein, Leslie Logan, and a special interview that I'm doing with Dr.

G or Monte that has never before been released. So come and join us, My unbroken. Dot com. All you have to do is put in your email, we'll send you over the registration. You'll be able to come and join us, watch live, and then if you want access to the recordings or more information there for you to keep them forever.

But in the meantime, go sign up, block it off on your calendar. This is gonna be a transformational experience that you do not want to miss. Head over to my unbroken life.com to register for free. Until next time, be Unbroke.

I remember just accidents happening and going, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. You know, you're always apologizing for things that aren't even your fault. Um, and that's something that I really had to break free of and my, my self worth. Down in the gutter when I was, I thought that I was really confident cause I was involved with the church so heavily when I met my, um, my ex.

But it was really down in the gutter. The reason I was so involved is because, like you said, I didn't have a self identity. I had no confidence to know that I was powerful, that I had a voice that I could ask for. What I. , I didn't even think I was beautiful. You know, I couldn't even embrace myself without makeup and that whole, you know, concoction of being an empath and having low self-esteem, it just, uh, yeah, it made me a magnet for the narcissist and a yes, please give me more kind of a, you know, give me more emotional abuse.

Cuz I, I was already, you know, in my negative head, abusing myself. So I was like, Yeah, bring it on. I absolutely agree. Now, how can I fix? And a danger for me was those people would give me advice, either my family or my ex, like, Oh, well you just need to go to church more, or You need to dress up and wear high heels.

Like I was getting conflicting information, but all of them were their ideas versus what I really needed to do. So finding myself the inner child work, journaling out everything, you know, journaling, different desires and dreams that I had that I never really thought about. Helped kind of guide me so I wasn't just wanderlust.

That I didn't wanna let go. Right? I didn't wanna admit that they were really toxic and I had to put up certain boundaries. Um, so yeah, it's a process. I think every time you can be, you know, one layer, honest with yourself at a time, be gentle. Yeah. So I think I was.

Because ultimately I think really truly the key to evolution is like, know thy self and all. One of the things that I think is tricky in stepping into know thy self is if you've. 27 years, 32 years, 41 years being everything that everyone else told you to always be know that I self is really hard and know that I self is like this thing where I, I remember like I was like 30 or 31.

It was like I was in this back and forth in a constant confusion about. Whether or not I certainly or did not with uncertainty believe a, a thing that really impacted my life a lot. And, and it was like, until I just started executing against what I thought was true, did I discover whether or not it was true?

And, and that's one of the hard things is, you know, you do have to step into the unknown. One of the things I know you talk about that I, I want to go into, cause I think it's important and it. A beautiful modality for me while simultaneously incredibly uncomfortable. Speaking of honesty is, is like looking and stepping into mirror work and affirmations, and I would love for you to talk about your own experience with that.

What are their faults? And that's another exercise I went through is being able to connect with a healed an ancestor. But in doing so, I had to shine the light on all of the negative patterns in both of my lineages to say this, this lineage is really, you know, self-serving. This lineage has a, you know, big temper, like all of the really icky, shadowy stuff.

And then to see, wow, like that's, that's me. I do tend to have a, a bad temper when I'm. Completely high stress. Wow. That's me, where I wanna force my idea on somebody else. And I had to really take, take a step back and listen. Take a step back and just breathe. So I didn't have those ancestral patterns coming out.

And essentially for me, it was important not to harm my children. I wanted to break the patterns and I actually, my therapist told me outright, she said, You are the one in the family that's gonna break the ancestral pattern. And doing so, um, this mirror work helped me, helped me raise my self-esteem by really recognizing who I was.

Right? You are beautiful. If that's really uncomfortable and you think you're ugly, especially with magazines and filters all over social media, we're always using filters to make ourselves more beautiful cuz we can't accept ourselves in the mirror. You know, for me, even my nose, I hated my nose. Now I, I accept it.

I embrace it. It's big, it's very British, but it is what it is, right? And so I had to say in the mirror, I love my nose. My nose is beautiful. My nose brings me air, my nose functions, my nose is complete. All the things so that when I could pass by the mirror, eventually I'd be like, Oh, okay, cool. Instead of, Oh, that's disgusting.

I hate my nose. Right? I want a nose drop. All of these things that we're doing, you know, in society to correct our faces or our bodies physically, it's just because you haven't done that inner work of really truly accepting the body You chose and you came to this.

When, when people put filters. And I think that, yeah, social media can be very, very dangerous. Like obviously for the way that I've been able to leverage social media with Think Unbroken and give people tools and have conversations like this, it's really beautiful, but it's also super dangerous, especially if you don't have confidence or self-esteem, because you're gonna be like, Oh, I've gotta put the filter on and do the eyebrow thing and fix my lips.

And I'm like, Whoa. Really need to pause and ask yourself why you're putting that filter on, because that's not who you are. And that's scary. And, and again, then people will go, Well, what about makeup or the clothes that you wear? And like, Sure, yeah, I get it. Right. And so again, no th self because ultimately that's what it is.

It's like really being able to get into that. And, and when I went through doing mirror work and I didn't even really know what I was doing, I'd never heard the phrase before. I would just stand in the mirror and force myself to say, I love you. And it sucked like a lot because it was so uncomfortable because it, what I realized is I just didn't, I hated myself.

I hated the world. I, I mean, you don't end up 350 pounds smoking two packs a day and drinking yourself to sleep cuz you love. I promise you don't. Mm-hmm. . And so like the process was like, go through that. And ultimately what I discovered, especially in the Mework aspect of this healing journey, is it's a beautiful way to give yourself what you should have been given.

And that is, It's partly reparenting, right? It's partly healing the inner child, but I, I would call it fully, it's about integration and, and getting clarity about your value and your worth because you choose to have value and worth and that it's not tied to other people. And, you know, it's a challenge. It sucks.

Like it really does. I don't, I don't think anyone who's gone through a significant healing journey's ever gonna sit here and be like, Oh, it was great. It was the best time of my

Yeah. That that means you actually are transforming when it's really difficult. Right. Just like a workout. You don't transform your muscles if there's no pain and there's no tearing of the muscles. It's uncomfortable.

I would love for you to go in and, and talk about mirror neurons and let's talk about rewiring and, and really transforming your life from a, a neurochemical perspective.

Like it starts when it fires off in our brains as babies. You know it. Then we see somebody do something, it fires off and then we do it. So it's essential for our survival, right? To be able to eat, drink. Crawl, walk, all of these things. However, then we also are applying them to how people treat each other, how people act, how people carry themselves.

So just talking about self worth, it's linking to how we start to value ourselves and seeing how our parents and adults around us are valuing themselves. That's why a lot of times a narcissist is bred by another narcissist. That's why a low self-esteem you. Um, child or, or, or teenager or whoever is bred by someone who thinks very low about themselves, it's within the fabric of our psyche.

And even though we may constantly say with words to a child, you know, you are beautiful, you're strong and confident. You got this. If you yourself are not acting that and are recoiling and always looking down or not taking compliments, then that's also confusing the child. And that actually is more powerful and is picked up by the child than the words, the words you could say all day in one ear out the other.

It's how we act. That is what we pick up on is the mirror neuro.

In effect training and retraining your mirror neurons. And that's one of the things that I, I found in my own personal life. It wasn't like therapy for me played a beautiful role. Like there's no question about it. I mean, you name the modality, I've done it, right. But it was really coaching that changed my life forever because I was able to look at somebody who had done it and be like, Oh.

That actually makes a lot of sense. Do that thing, create that behavioral change, do that, you know, challenge yourself in this aspect. And you know, I think that's one of the most beautiful parts about the fact that we now have access to information and the ability to come together and just see like, oh, if they did it, I can too.

And that's one of the big things that I'm always thinking about. But, but I still think that there's always gonna be that place of limiting belief of that fixed mindset of that stuckness. But until you're willing to face it and until you're willing to be like, All right, I'm gonna step onto the battlefield.

Let's see what happens. You know, nothing's gonna be different in your life for, for those who are in this place and they're like, This all makes sense to me. I want to go into what's next, but I. Really, truly know where to start. And you just gave me 97 things to think about. Like what? What's step one?

Step one, goodness. Step one is going inward. So if you've already done inner child work, then start with the mirror work. But step one is really cutting out all the noise. You know, everything aside, cutting out all the noise, what everyone's telling you outside of yourself because that's not you. That's.

Focusing on, on who you are, what you want, and maybe what are your fears, you know? And when you recognize those, then you can be like, okay, what's the worst that happen? Like, let's start tackling that. Um, yeah, but you can't, until you really stop focusing outside of yourself, kind of focus in.

Because if it's a healthy fear, i e I wanna be in a relationship where I don't get screamed at every day. Like, Hmm, maybe there's a fucking sign there. You know what I mean? And that's true. That's me having a really internal dialogue right now and looking at relationships of the past and going. Oh, we always yelled at each other again, I eat, I'm dating my mom.

Or Wait, why do I put this food in my body? Oh, because I am hurting myself in the way that they hurt me. And so when you think about like, Oh, my fear is I want to eat healthy so that I can be down four sizes so I can feel good about the reflection in the mirror because of the effort that I'm putting in and not the actual reflection, then that really comes down to facing a fear and it's.

And it's difficult, but, but I I'm gonna ask you a really weird question right now. Maybe it's not weird. Maybe it's the right question to ask you. Like, is it worth it with all the shit you've had to go through, all the stuff that you've had to do, all of the work, who God knows the amount of therapy and money spent?

Like, is it worth it and why has it been worth it?

Right? Just like the coal. That gets molded into the diamond. It's hot, it's uncomfortable, and then it's bright and shiny and it may take a long time. So it absolutely was worth it just because I know my eyes are open. Right? The ancestral stuff going on way, way, way, way back, that I've discovered beyond any, you know, genealogy can.

There was some major trauma and major pain and narcissism and racism and all of that would've continued to perpetuate if I had not woken up, if I had not been in this horribly toxic, you know, romantic relationship with a narcissist. Cause I would've not really woken up if it was just my parents, to be honest.

Cause eh, they're more covert, they aren't that bad. They're just kind of super annoying and super neglectful. Most of the time it's. You know, banging it in my head like him, where I was like neglecting and locking me out in the rain and taking away vacations, like all of that was really tumultuous. And if I had not been awakened by that situation, I would not be able to give my daughters the emotional intelligence and chance for a better future to break those pattern.

So, yeah,

You have the power, you have the ability, you have to be willing to take that first step. Raven, my friend, this has been amazing conversation. Uh, before I ask you my last. Where can everyone find you?

You're not broken anymore. You're not being held down by whatever system, by whatever belief or whatever someone's saying outside in your sphere. You are shining and you're rising above. So absolutely your unbroken ness is your beautifulness. It's your pure light and pure soul. Mm,

Thank you so much for being here, Unbroken Nation. Thank you so much for listening. Please like, subscribe, comment, share, tell a friend, and until next time, my friends, be unbroken. I'll see. Hey Unbroken Nation, we'll be right back to the show, but I wanted to let you know that you can grab a copy of my first book, Think Unbroken Understanding and Overcoming Childhood Trauma for Free.

If you go to book dot think unbroken.com, you can download the PDF ebook version of the book and get everything that I know about the baseline of healing trauma For free downloaded to your email right now, just go to book dot think unbroken.com to download your copy of Think Unbroken Under. An overcoming childhood trauma for a PDF or your phone.

Again, that is book dot think unbroken.com. Thank you so much for listening to Think Unbroken. Please share this episode with someone who could use it and help us move forward in our mission of ending generational trauma in our lifetime. And if you would, please take five seconds to pop on iTunes or Spotify.

Hit that five star, Leave a review, and you can also reach out to us on social at Michael Unbroken or at Think Unbroken. And of course, you can check out our YouTube channel at Think Unbroken. Thank you for being a part of Unbroken Nation, my friends, and until next. Be unbroken.

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