The salient point of this podcast episode revolves around the profound impact of unresolved trauma and its manifestations in our lives. I, Tamela Shaw, alongside our esteemed guest, Jessie Torres, delve into the intricate dynamics of codependency, trauma, and the pathways toward healing and empowerment. Jessie, a life strategist and pain alchemist, elucidates the concepts of undiagnosed, unacknowledged, and unresolved trauma, demonstrating how these elements influence our perceptions and interactions. Through her personal journey and professional insights, we explore the importance of recognizing and addressing these traumas to foster a more holistic existence. This episode aims to equip listeners with the understanding that healing is not merely a choice, but a requisite for genuine liberation and personal growth.

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As we navigate through the complexities of personal evolution, the podcast episode serves as a beacon for those ensnared in the cycle of codependency. Host Tamela Shaw, alongside guest Jessie Torres, unpacks the layers of trauma that often underpin feelings of inadequacy and relational dysfunction. Jessie’s unique perspective as a pain alchemist brings forth a transformative approach to healing, where pain is not merely endured but alchemized into strength. The conversation explores the three critical 'UNs' of trauma: undiagnosed, unacknowledged, and unresolved. Each category is meticulously dissected, providing listeners with a comprehensive understanding of how unhealed wounds manifest in everyday life. Through personal anecdotes and practical strategies, Jessie encourages individuals to embrace their stories, fostering a sense of empowerment and agency in their healing processes. The episode resonates with a clarion call to action: to confront the shadows of the past, thereby paving the way for a more authentic and fulfilling existence.

Links referenced in this episode:

• unshakablelife.com/10-steps-to-freedom

Well, hello.

Welcome to the Codependent Me podcast.

I am your host, Tamela Shaw, a recovering codependent, the co author of God Turn Mommy's Wine Into Water, and I'm a certified life coach.

On this podcast, we discuss a lot of relevant topics.

But the podcast was created to increase the awareness of codependency and to give information on how to live a more holistic life.

Welcome to the Codependent Me podcast.

I'm your host, Tamela Shaw.

Today we have a very special guest.

Jessie Torres is here.

She is a life strategist and a pain alchemist.

I'm sure you're like, what does that mean?

We're going to tell you.

Welcome to the show, Jesse.

Thank you so much, Tamela.

I'm excited to be here.

Yes, thank you so much for being here.

I'd like to shout out pod match.

They were a part of our match.

And I love it, as I always say, on every episode, well, almost every, because most of my, my guests come from there.

They do.

They link me with the best people, and I feel so very grateful.

For.

Them because it makes the world easier and my job easier and makes the world better, is what I'll say.

So, Jesse, let's talk about you.

Let's let the audience know a little bit about your past and, you know, your upbringing and what brought you to this wonderful job that you're doing or gift that you're using.

And then we'll get into explaining what the life strategist and pain alchemist is.

Absolutely.

You know, this part of the share is always interesting to me because it's, it's not about me, but it, but I have to tell the story right?

How did I get here?

And because it's really about every single one of your listeners.

You know what I mean?

Like, and the reason that my story is pertinent is because it is the story of many that are out there.

And my outcome is that you can relate to certain parts of our journey where we've been met with adversity or some sort of, you know, trauma of some sort.

And before I begin, I want to identify trauma.

Trauma for a lot of people's perspective is, you know, a rape or a murder, you know, something big, which of course it is.

However, I define trauma as whatever the child made meaning of in the moment of the experience.

Right.

As children, we don't even know.

We create unconscious beliefs or meaning around what happens to us.

And maybe we had a great upbringing, but we witnessed something.

Or a teacher said, you're going to Have a rough life, whatever.

As they hand you back your test.

You know, it's just that little comment will now anchor in your unconscious mind.

Oh, life is hard.

I'm going to have a rough one.

Right?

And then you see through those lenses, and then you start to create those experiences, because God in the universe will prove you right.

So, you know my.

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

And my journey came from, you know, abuse with my father.

My first 18 years, like, I think I. I was probably.

My first memory would be probably 4 years old.

3 or 4.

I don't remember exactly, but I had the entire time until I was 18 and left the house.

I was running from him, basically.

And then I entered into a relationship because somebody met me and, you know, he was the first one to call out what was going on.

It's like, even though I try to tell my mom at 16, and you know, she didn't.

My dad twisted my words and she didn't talk to me about it again.

And then he comes along and he brought me home late one night and he's like, what's up with your dad?

Because he was out on the porch.

And I said he was mad because you brought me home late.

And he's like, no, that was not an angry father.

That was a jealous man.

And those words set me on a trajectory of sharing with him, probably more than he needed to hear.

But it opened up Pandora's box and I finally found somebody who was witness to the pain I was in.

And in essence, I believe he saved my life.

And so I fell madly in love.

Now you'll hear me talk about three pillars of trauma which we'll get into later, which is one, it's undiagnosed trauma, it's unacknowledged trauma, and it's unresolved trauma.

Okay?

And so in this instance, he and I came together and he came from a very abusive background, an alcoholic mother.

He was the youngest of four, the only boy.

And he would come home to his sister's unconscious on the floor.

That's how bad it was.

So when we met, we thought he said, my kids will never see me drunk.

And I said, my kids will never be molested.

And we thought we fixed it, right?

So there's the big traumas, and then with the unacknowledged ones are all the micro traumas that we brought into this marriage.

And I do want to preface this that there is no villainizing of anyone here.

I'm grateful for my ex husband, I'm grateful for my father, my mother, like I'm grateful for all of it because it brought me to this moment where I get to do what I do and I get to help others come out of their pain and alchemize it into power and beauty.

So from that, it sent me on the next 18 years of, you know, mental, emotional, verbal abuse.

That was the only way he understood how to have conversations, because that's what he had.

These are the things I didn't know to know, right?

So I just became hyper vigilant.

I wanted to make sure the peace was kept.

And you know, it was a pattern I had learned in my childhood because when my father didn't get his way, he didn't punish me, he punished my mom and my brother.

So as a child, I took that on as my responsibility when, when the house is sad, when the house is an upset, it's my fault.

So I would acquiesce in order to keep the peace.

So then I brought that pattern into my family now with my husband.

And he knew how to have discussions with yelling and arguments and vulgarities and put downs.

And so I lived my life wanting to ensure that everything was good so we wouldn't have those.

And so I was kind of like the mediator between the kids and him and blah, blah, blah.

All that to say when I got to a place at 38 years old, it was apathetic.

I thought, if this is life, I don't want to be here.

Like, it's too hard.

However, I had three kids and I did not want them to live with anything like that.

So I was praying somebody would blow the red light, Just, just blow the red light, take me out of my misery.

And, you know, had guilt around some of the things, the ways that I thought was the only way out.

Divorce was not an option for me, but I was in this apathetic state and it was an act of kindness that actually woke me up.

It short circuited my brain.

I did not know to call it kindness.

I just felt something I didn't know about.

My father told me, don't trust anyone.

My ex told me, you know, people want to take advantage of you, so don't trust.

And so that's how I looked at life.

And when these people treated me kindly, it short circuit my brain.

I'm like, I don't even know what this feeling is, but if this feeling is available, then life is worth living.

And it gave me the courage to get out of that situation.

So fast forward in that created a very traumatic uncoupling, let's say of My marriage, however, it did send me on a trajectory of wanting to understand humanity.

I wanted to understand why my father did what he did, why my mom allowed it, why my husband did what he did, and why I allowed it.

Right?

And so I. I started to get my hands on anything I can read.

I went to my own therapy.

I went to, you know, work with coaches.

I became a certified coach.

Once I realized that that was an option.

I didn't even know that existed until my therapist told me.

And, you know, I just went deep into it.

I've.

I've worked with so many different modalities and different certifications, but honestly, Tamela, nothing has taught me, like, my journey.

My journey.

And one of the things I didn't mention is, at 28 years old, my older brother, who was 29, was murdered.

And that was a whole nother experience.

Thirty years later, about a month to the day, my little brother was murdered.

So when.

When, you know, you kind of go through your.

In your mind, I already lived that tragedy.

That only happens once in a family.

This cannot be happening again.

The message that I got in prayer, when I'm like, okay, God, you know, if.

If both my brothers are meant to be taken, what do you want with me?

Right?

And the message was, well, Jesse, you got to eat your own medicine.

If you can alchemize pain, if you can find light in the darkest moment, you need to do that right now.

So trust me when I tell you that was a gut punch that I didn't anticipate.

And I'm like, oh, my God, like, right in the deep, deep levels of sorrow, I was able to recognize that my pain was equivalent to the amount of love I had for my brother.

You know, I was able to see his daughters who had not met before, from different mothers, you know, behave like they grew up together at the.

You know, the loss of their father.

And people that posted on his Instagram who said they changed their lives, there was so much beauty there.

But in sometimes when we're only connected to how big the pain is, we miss the light that is available.

Amen.

Yes.

You are so right.

You are so right.

I saw on your profile, you said, if you don't look for the gift of your pain and trauma, you will only remember the pain.

That's right.

That is amazing and so true.

And we have a society that's taught to do that.

Very victim mindset.

Absolutely, Absolutely.

Oh, that just.

That just sent chills.

That sent chills through my body.

Yeah, it's very true.

We do.

We have this victim mentality.

And there's so much hurt and pain and depression and all of these things in the world today that I love that you are doing this particular work.

And it comes out of pain.

And of course I identify with that.

I mean, if anybody's listened to my podcast, they know that that's the reason that I'm doing what I'm doing is because pain from childhood to adulthood, you know, and when you do the work and you realize, wow, this works, I really would love for other people to be able to do this as well, because we need it.

It's out here.

It's just the pain is oozing all over the world.

It is.

And we don't even know how to respond.

You know what I mean?

Like, even when covet hit, I see covet as a vehicle to wake up the pain body that lives in society.

Right.

It was just.

It was just the thing that woke up all the wounding.

And it was a vehicle to express, you know, some people in the spiritual community, you know, it's like, who talk about spirituality and being all these things, and then all of a sudden they're like attacking and judging and saying, you're uneducated and stupid because you don't believe my way.

And I'm just like, oh, my gosh, where's the spirit in that?

Yes, yes.

And it was a time where we couldn't ignore the pain anymore.

We couldn't be too busy for the pain.

Right.

Well, it'll come out as, you know, we were talking earlier.

It'll come out whether it's in responding into defensiveness or anger or shutting down or physical.

Absolutely.

Our body will start to tell us, hey, you're not dealing with this.

And we can't handle it anymore because our body is created to keep us alive.

It's constantly trying to keep us alive from our mindset, from our self talk, you know, from, you know, how we eat, how we feed ourselves, whether we exercise or not.

It's just constantly fighting to keep us alive.

And when we are in.

When we have unresolved trauma, our body knows.

Our body knows.

Even if we're in denial, even if we're like, no, I don't have any trauma.

No, I'm good.

I have great upbringing.

Mom and dad were awesome.

Right?

It's just like, I want your audience to know that this is not exclusive to one person.

It is in all of us.

Everyone.

Absolutely everyone.

Someone told me once before, because, you know, like you said you would, when people hear the word trauma, they think it has to be something like really big, you know, like a tsunami for it to be traumatic.

And that's not the truth.

You can have road rage and it be traumatic.

You know, someone can have road rage towards you and that can be traumatic.

It can be very.

It can be very small, but effective to the body.

And that's what makes it trauma.

So I love that you are letting people know.

It doesn't have to be what I call a Broadway musical.

It can be what people feel as though it's small, but it sticks with you for a very long time.

I've had some traumatic words spoken to me when I was.

I was probably in the second grade.

It was a boy, he said something very mean to me that I can't tell you what the boy's name is.

I can tell you what he looks like.

Not what he looks like, but what he looked like when he was saying the words to me.

Yeah.

And that's it.

I can't tell you my surroundings, any of that.

But those five words were very traumatic to me.

And it stuck with me until today.

Right.

Not that it.

Like I've.

I've done the work, but I go back to recognize, you know, that those.

It's something that small that was trauma for me.

Like I had to think of the smallest thing in the world and it was like those words.

Because words carry weight and people don't understand that either.

Words are very powerful when you knew.

When you use them as a weapon, it is very weaponizing for the other person.

And it is traumatic for sure.

Oh, it can, it can damage your emotional well being way more.

Like I always say, I would have rather taken a punch in the nose every day than some of the words that penetrated underneath the core.

Absolutely, absolutely.

So you talk about unshakable living.

You want to explain to the audience what that is?

Sure.

I love unshakable living because part of the work I do in helping us identify undiagnosed trauma, I love it.

High achievers especially, they're usually like, nope, I'm good.

Nope, I'm good.

I dealt with that.

I forgave.

I'm good.

And they don't realize some of the unconscious things that, that have happened.

And so I, I always tell the quick little story of a little boy who goes grocery shopping with his mother and he's playing in the aisle with toys and then she goes to the end of the aisle to grab something.

She can see him, but he can't see her.

He lifts up his head and screams for his mom.

She's Like, I'm right here.

It was like seconds.

But in that moment, his unconscious said, I could be left behind.

I could be abandoned.

Right.

So now he's clingier when mom leaves the room, doesn't want her out of his sight.

And now he's 35 and wonders why he can't keep a relationship.

Because he's insecure, controlling and jealous.

Right.

He's just afraid he's going to be left behind.

And he has no idea.

The mom wasn't abusive.

There was nothing abusive.

It was just the human experience of that contracted moment of fear that said, what if I get left behind?

And again, we don't consciously know we're doing it.

This is why I equate it to everybody.

So to live unshakable is to be able to handle new challenges in a way that allows us to come from our healed, empowered state of being versus our wounded.

Why is this always happening to me?

What's wrong with me?

Right.

These kind of mantras that we say to ourselves.

The minute something goes sideways, it starts to be like, why is this happening to me versus how is this happening for me?

And how is this happening from me?

Right.

How.

How did this.

I'm a sovereign being.

Right.

If I choose to vibrate on, I'm not enough.

I'm dirty, I'm filthy, no one will love me.

I'm going to attract that very person or situation to prove me right.

So being unshakable is to have such a strong, not only mindset, but our emotional home is in that.

That I say the right side of the grid, because I teach this part where we have emotions set up in grid from high emotion to low emotion.

And, you know, one side is depleting and one side is empowering.

We get to choose, but we don't realize it.

If we don't aren't astute to our own emotional regulation, we're going to respond from a wound we don't even know about.

So to be unshakable is to see challenges, see them, and then calibrate our equilibrium in our nervous system.

Come from a calm state of being, and now respond versus react.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Oh, my goodness.

So I want the audience to know.

I know it's kind of early to talk about it, but you have 10 steps to freedom for the audience.

Can you talk a little bit about that for a moment?

Sure.

This I created because, again, my biggest teacher has been my own journey to know that I can come from a place of wanting to die to where I'm So committed to helping people heal and to stop suffering.

I know you can too.

So this 10 steps to freedom was something I put together because sometimes there's the.

Yeah, but people in the audience.

Yeah, but Jesse, you don't understand my situation.

I can't leave.

I have no money or whatever it is.

Right.

You don't understand.

And this is 10 ways that you can take action right now, regardless of your situation.

What's important is that we don't realize how much we matter.

We don't realize how important we are.

And so we think we're stuck and we're not.

And nowadays, even more so, there's so many people that want to help.

So you're not alone.

You never were.

And these are 10 ways that you could take action right now.

And they can get that@unshakable life.com forward/10 steps to freedom.

Correct?

That's right.

Audience, please get over there.

Please, please, please.

So next question.

We can put it in your show notes.

Absolutely.

They will definitely be there with all of your other information.

Fierce grace.

Fierce grace.

Now I use space and grace all the time.

When I need a break, I tell my family I need some space and grace.

But what is fierce grace?

Absolutely.

Fierce grace is the explanation of the masculine, feminine.

The two polar opposites, right?

It's like fierce and grace, right?

It's that part of us that handles a situation that shows up in strong strength and power.

The will just comes forward and says like a stay at home mom lifting a Volkswagen off a child, right?

It's just like all of a sudden her heart takes over and she's doing this thing that she would normally not be able to do if she thought about it, right?

That's that fierceness, that bold love that just calls you forward and you handle the situation.

And then there's the grace.

There's the calm, there's the flow, there's the beauty.

And it's not just in men and women, it's in all of us.

Right?

We all harbor masculine and feminine within us.

It's just, what is your congruent home and how do we flow through both?

There's not one that's right.

There's not one that's wrong.

It's a matter of harnessing the power of both of them and knowing how to activate which one is truly you and bringing forth the other in a time of need.

So when would this fierce grace come up?

I guess I. I want.

I want the audience to understand.

I mean, you did.

You definitely explained it for sure.

What it Means.

But where could it show up in their lives?

Sure.

So the fierce part, I'll just attach protection to it.

So if you're a woman, it's the mama bear energy.

It's like, don't, don't mess with my cups.

You know, I.

All of a sudden a different part of us shows up.

It's the part that gets us up to get the kids to school or gets us up to not hit snooze so we can go to the gym and work out.

It's that part that's that fierce part with the.

Or the masculine.

And then there's the feminine or the grace that allows you to lead with love, that allows you to lead with care, that when somebody hurts you, you come with compassion because you know if they're hurting you, they've got to eat that first.

And that's more a reflection of their wound, not your truth.

Right.

So now you can wrap compassion around them.

And because you come from that place of heart, centeredness, love and nurturer.

So it's a matter of blending both.

And so if you are a feminine in your core and you feel like that's your driving force and fan freaking tastic.

One of the things I come across a lot with high achieving women is kind of the imbalance.

What we've created with the feminist movement has been great because we are able to do anything that a man can do.

Do we really want to?

Right?

Yes.

Like, oh, open the freaking jar, please.

Take out the trash.

Like, you know, like, you know, help me.

I, I will acquiesce to the power of the masculine every time.

And what we've lost track of as women is that it's weakness.

The feminine is weakness.

There is no greater force.

Right.

When you think of every single human being that you look up to or that you, you say, wow, that's an amazing human.

Every single human being came from a woman.

Absolutely right.

And the power of the feminine.

You take the power of the feminine and you bring her into a corporate room of 20 men, she will buckle every man's knees.

Right?

But we've lost that.

We've lost that because we think we need to man up.

Right?

So what's happened is we have a lot of very masculine women who wear earrings and a dress and high heels and think they're bringing their feminine.

And guess what?

They're exhausted.

They're exhausted, they're tired and they don't realize, but they don't know how to put their guard down.

So I get it.

We put it up because we were hurt, and I totally understand that.

But I think now we've created an imbalance to where we don't know how to be anymore.

And God bless our men.

They don't know if they.

Should I help you with the groceries or will I be inspired?

Absolutely.

I.

We.

I talked about this, I guess, a few weeks ago, actually, and I love.

I love the fierce grace.

I.

When I was explaining it, I told people that we, as women, you know, again, you.

Whether you've been abandoned, all these different things, you step into these masculine roles, and what we end up doing, we bark a lot, and we need to find our part.

Right?

And that's the exact same thing.

We have to find that feminine because we are taking over and being the.

The masculine.

It's not our position at that time.

Right.

You.

You know, like you said, there is a balance, but there's a time where you take that time and purr and have that grace because you deserve it, you know, it's so beautiful.

Thank you so much for explaining that so beautifully.

And we can use these in our healing, right?

That there's a time for both.

Oh, my goodness.

That's just so wonderful.

So if you can explain the three UN's in detail, the undiagnosed, unresolved, and unacknowledged pain and trauma.

Sure, sure.

So the undiagnosed traumas are traumas.

We don't know.

To know.

You know, we don't.

We.

They're hidden in our unconscious.

We can't even recognize them.

However, there's limitation today, right?

So I had a client who was sharing.

I was asking him questions about his path, and he said, oh, no, I have.

I had a great upbringing.

My mom and dad were awesome.

I didn't feel, you know, they supported me.

They were there for me.

That it.

And I'm like, okay.

He goes, yeah, so I don't know.

There's no issue there.

And kind of in that denial space, and that's okay.

I kept asking questions, and by the time we were done, what we ended up uncovering is that he made a decision when he watched his mother verbally attack his father.

He acknowledged that he lost respect for his father.

He said he didn't like the way his mother treated him, and he witnessed it.

So, in essence, they didn't abuse him.

There was no trauma toward him.

But their behavior as a couple, he witnessed.

And then his first marriage, he brought that into the marriage.

And it got to the point where not only was she not treating him well, but she started to hit him.

You know what I mean?

And so, and so he's like, so, yeah, I had to end that because.

And so all of a sudden the light bulb went off and you realize, oh my God, I brought my father's and mother's pattern into my marriage.

You know what I mean?

So it's just like those are the undiagnosed.

We don't know to know.

So how I work with people is.

I always wears limitation.

Today, where's the limitation?

Why are you not asking for the raise?

You know, if you have something to say, why aren't you speaking into your relationship?

Like what, what's limiting you right now?

Why aren't you going for the promotion, whatever.

And then we trace it back, right?

And we're able to find where it was that meaning was made.

Right.

I, I also had another client who.

He makes a lot of money, but it's never enough.

And he didn't know he was chasing his father's approval.

Approval, you know, because it was never enough.

Even if he got a A minus, why didn't he get an A plus?

You know?

And it was always this kind of conversation.

So now he's made a lot of money, but he still feels disempowered and like he, he can't do enough.

It's like, next, next, next.

And he's exhausted and he doesn't realize he's chasing his own worthiness on the next achievement.

Oh my goodness.

So that's undiagnosed.

Okay.

Undiagnosed.

Acknowledged.

I use myself and my ex husband as an example.

We acknowledged our big traumas.

He knew alcohol was not going to be a part of his journey.

I knew my children were not going to get molested.

We, we, we got it.

We did not understand the micro traumas underneath, what that meant.

Right.

Having gone through this, I adopted the belief that I was gross, filthy, and nobody would ever love me because.

Because this happened to me with my father.

So I'm damaged.

Good.

I didn't know.

I adopted that belief.

And so then my ex enters the picture because I was a perfect match, you know, I was a perfect match to that.

And so then we, again, we thought we fixed it with the bigger trauma, but we didn't realize the underneath.

So he, his coping, his only way to have conversations was yelling because that's how his mom would treat him.

So they would yell at each other.

My father yelled at me.

Not to the extremes, my ex did, but for me it was kind of familiar.

Oh yeah.

This is what men do, right?

And so now it's like, okay, so we brought all this unacknowledged trauma into this union.

And, you know, as young kids, we were 18 and 21, we made a decision that we were going to have the white picket fest, the dog, the kids.

And for the most part, we did that.

We did do that.

We did a lot of really beautiful things.

And I'm grateful to this day for our three beautiful children.

Like, if we had to come together and live through that, to create those three beings, like, I'm good.

Yeah.

But again, we didn't know.

We didn't know.

And so it became very destructive and it became very painful, and we both suffered in it, you know, so that's the unacknowledged and then the unresolved are.

It's kind of obvious.

It's.

Those are the things that we don't know to resolve.

Because here's the thing in personal development right now, you know, a lot of great coaches out there, but a lot of them are teaching you to move, move through, right?

You know, shift your mindset.

You know, just shift your body and.

And get out there and do it.

Change your state of being, which, again, is important.

But all we're doing is installing new software on an old operating system, expecting it not to glitch, right?

We don't upgrade the program of our mind, then we're going to continue those old patterns of behavior.

And the hard, hardest part about that is that now we invite a deeper level of shame, a deeper level of reasoning as to why we need to beat ourselves up.

Because, well, now I read the books.

I went to the seminar, I went to therapy.

Why am I still stuck?

Yeah, it's because we have not healed it.

We can't bypass the healing, right?

We can't just move through in life because if we're not addressing it, it's like a little kid going, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy, mommy.

Like, see me, see me, watch me, watch me.

You know, like it's going to keep coming up.

And if you have just an example, abuse with your father, okay, so now it's not your father anymore, but it's a husband or it's a boss or it's a friend.

You know what I mean?

Or it's a woman who's in her masculine, you know, like, there's all of these kind of ways that these people will come in to represent the wound and you continue the cycle.

So we have to resolve it.

Represent the womb.

That is powerful.

That is so true.

And because.

And it's not just faces or it's not, you know, it's.

Oh, my gosh, that is so.

Situations.

Yes, people.

It's.

It could even be your son one day.

Absolutely.

Represent the womb.

That's so good.

So the top five consequences of living undiagnosed pain and trauma.

Will you let the audience know the five consequences that are out there so they can see if they have those consequences?

For sure.

I mean, it's constant self beat up, right?

We.

We don't even know.

We don't even manage our.

Our negative self talk.

People in personal development, we know to know it, but we're still human, right?

I mean, one thing you.

I don't know, you forget to pay a bill.

You're like, oh, my God, I'm so stupid.

Why did I do that?

I can't believe.

I mean, we're not kind to ourselves, right?

You know, it's like we wouldn't talk to our best friend the way we talk to ourselves sometimes.

Right.

Another thing is a lot of people think that not caring.

They quote, as uncaring as forgiveness.

I had to say no.

Doesn't bother me anymore.

That my mom left me when I was 2.

I don't care anymore.

And so I've forgiven her.

And it's just like.

Well, and I believe forgiveness is a process.

The way to truly, truly forgive is you have to pull the gift out of the pain.

Because when you see the gift, then you can truly let go go of the negativity or the density of the memory.

Right.

Until you find the gift, it still feels like it was wrong.

And that shouldn't have happened.

Right.

And when you argue with that, like, if you.

If you say that shouldn't have happened when it did, you're in an argument with the reality.

Right.

And you will suffer.

That's good.

Oh, that's good.

The consequences of unforgiveness are very detrimental to our energy, to our essence, to our nervous system, to our bodies.

And we don't realize that, you know, it's like drinking poison every day that you live in unforgiveness.

And part of it is people believe that that person doesn't deserve to be forgiven.

Right?

Like, no, they wronged me.

But forgiveness is not for them.

It's for you.

Right?

It's for you.

I tell my mom that all the time.

Time.

Because she still, you know, doesn't forgive my father, and she wants me to join her in her unforgiveness.

Yeah.

They want to have a together.

They do, exactly.

Yeah.

She's like, how could you?

How could you forgive him?

All you think about is I'm like, no, I just.

I know what it does.

And I'm like, mom, until you choose to forgive, you're drinking poison every day expecting my dad is going to come out of the grave and suffer.

He's not.

He's gone, you know?

But you're still living in the pain.

Yeah.

And there's been many times where I told her, please don't use me as a reason to keep Unforgiveness.

There's no nobility in your suffering.

It does nothing for me.

If anything, what hurts me more is that you're in pain, that you're in suffering.

That hurts me more.

But don't utilize what happened to me as a reason for you to stay in Unforgiveness.

Wow, that's so good.

So good.

Okay, so we've got beating yourself up, acting as if you don't care, you know, unforgiving.

Any others.

Absolutely.

Our bodies, if we don't resolve our traumas, our bodies will let us know after a while, there's only so much you can take.

And I believe there's a lot of really great videos out there.

There's one called Heal.

There's one called.

Called E Dash Motions.

I mean, these are great, like really scientifically explaining what's happening in our bodies when we're in constant depletion.

And I love the Institute of Heart Math.

I'm a trainer for them.

And.

And what I love about what they teach is they've been studying the rhythm of the heart for the last 30, 40 years.

And they don't talk about positive or negative emotions.

Emotions are just emotions.

They just are.

You know, if someone's busting through the door to rape me, I damn well hope I can access rage.

You know what I mean?

I'm on.

I'm going to need that.

Right.

But the outcome is not to live there.

So they don't call it positive or negative.

They say depleting or renewing.

So depleting emotions are anger, sadness, shame, resentment, frustration.

Right.

Disappointment to deplete you.

Yeah.

Yep.

They start to deplete your systems.

So again, remember, like I said earlier, our bodies are fighting to keep us alive.

But if we're constantly eating disappointment, eating anger, eating sadness, then our body's kind of in fight or flight on a constant.

Our cortisol levels are jacked, and it takes about 13 hours for our cortisol to come back down to half.

Oh, my goodness.

That's how poisonous being in a depleting energy is.

Now, over here on the right, we have renewing emotions like love, gratitude, appreciation Right.

Care, kindness, enthusiasm, joy.

Right.

Those renew our system.

It activates DHEA which eats like cortisol like Pac Man.

Yeah.

And brings us back to our nervous system equilibrium which is they call coherence.

So now your heart and mind communication is open and I believe that's where God enters.

That's where providence comes in.

When you're able to be in that state of a renewing emotion it's like okay.

God's like okay now you're open.

I can, I can give you some wisdom I can give you some aha moments I can you know in that.

But when we are in the depleting emotion we shut that door.

We shut that door.

Now I understand why it's so important to have your affirmations in the morning and they do your gratitude at night.

Absolutely because you're starting and ending the day with the renewing oh my goodness that.