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16. 7 Sexyhacks that will make a difference
Episode 17 • 28th May 2023 • Your Sexyfied Life 🇬🇧/🇫🇷 • Dr Fanny Leboulanger
00:00:00 00:27:54

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Tired of all the "things to do to improve your Sexlife" you can see in magazines and on the internet? Today, I'm bringing you 7 simple hacks that will help you create the Sexlife that looks like what YOU want.

01:35 - Self-consent

03:55 Educate Yourself

07:49 - Solo playing

13:29 - Slow Down

16:30 - Breathe

18:53 - Change The Flavors

21:52 - Use Lube

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Episodes related to today's topic :

🌷Ep 5 : Let's talk about self-consent (1/2)

🌱 Ep 6 : Let's talk about self-consent (2/2)

🍀 Ep 15 : Pleasure 101 : Breast Massage

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Good resources to start your own sex education :

  • Pussy : A Reclamation by Mama Gena
  • Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski
  • Women's Anatomy of Arousal by Sheri Winston
  • Becoming Orgasmic by Julia Heiman and Joseph Lopiccolo

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If you’re new here, hi, I’m Dr Fanny Leboulanger, French Doctor and Sassy Sex Coach, nice to meet you 😏 My mission? Helping people (like you ?) reignite theri alivness by stepping out of life auto-pilot, sexual boredom and self-hate. So that you can reclaim your own Lifegasm. Through 1:1 coaching and magic tools (food for thoughts, sexy education, reclaiming pleasure and inner healing), with a zero bullshit tolerance, we embark together on our journey towards your most Sexyfied Life. 

If you like my work, you can offer financial support on Paypal here.

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If you found that episode interesting, feel free to share it with a loved one (inviting them into our Sexy Family) and subscribe to the podcast on your favorite podcast platform, it's the number one way to support the spread of the Sexyfied Magic to the world. For extra-support, leave a review on your favorite podcast platform, it helps the show become more and more visible.


And if you want to discover other amazing shows from podcast friends, here is a selection of amazing podcasts & interviews :

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This podcast is for educational purposes only. The host claims no responsibility to any person or entity for any liability, loss, or damage caused or alleged to be caused directly or indirectly as a result of the use, application, or interpretation of the information presented herein.

Transcripts

Speaker:

Hi everyone, and welcome to another episode of Your Sexified

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Life, in case we haven't met yet.

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I'm Fanny, your self-love and pleasure coach, and in this podcast we

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discuss what makes being alive, sexy.

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We reclaim our pleasure.

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We work on ourselves.

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We stop self-hate, and most of all, we take the commitment to feel alive

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and feel it all because we only have one life and it's time to live it.

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Welcome to your Sexify life.

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When I decided to write this episode, my brain was like: "are you not

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basically contradicting yourself?

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You're always the one telling people there is no one size fits all solution.

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And now you're preaching tips and tricks and sexy hacks?

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Really?"

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so I disregarded this episode for a while until I decided " know, what?

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Fuck it" At some point you will have to discuss practical things

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to do, to get a sexyfied life.

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And they are offerings, not a one size fits all solution.

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It's just food for thoughts.

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You're not promising everyone you will solve their problem magically.

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You're offering things that will make a difference.

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You know, my brain can be really messy.

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So here we go.

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And as usual, everything I say is always an invitation, take what

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you need and leave what you don't.

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Let's talk about seven sexy hacks that can make a difference.

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So first the biggest hack ever.

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Self consent.

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Well, that's not really a hack, but it's very important.

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If you want to dive deeper into this concept, you can listen to

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episode five and six of this podcast.

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But if you're not familiar with the concept, simply put, it's to ask inside

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if you truly want something or not.

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And not proceed forward until you haven't got any clear answer.

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For example, before any kind of penetration, ask yourself.

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And when you start for the first time, ask out loud, even if you

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feel silly "Do I really want that?"

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And don't insert anything until you get a yes.

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And yes, it can be frustrating at the beginning, especially when your

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sexual practices have been on some kind of autopilot for a long time.

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You may think you're crazy or ridiculous if you ask yourself

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these questions out loud.

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Trust me.

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You are not, we should all do that.

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What I like to say is, you don't think a baby is ridiculous when

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it tries to say its first words.

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Do you?

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So, what are you going to do to help this baby proceed in language learning?

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You are going to talk louder, articulate.

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You're going to help this baby to go further.

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Same goes for your body.

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The best way to be sure your body hears you, is to ask the question out loud.

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Because, if the infos come through your ears, then your brain cannot interfere

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in the middle saying this isn't true.

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Because you heard it from outside.

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So it has some truth in it.

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In my opinion, there is no way to have a thriving sex life if you don't know from

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inside, if you want something or not.

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This hack is the most important one.

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When you respect yourself and reconnect to your self-consent, then you can

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create healthier relationships, honoring your boundaries and

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following what you really like.

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And that's what building a thriving sex life looks like, in my opinion.

Second hack:

educate yourself.

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How do you want to access your whole orgasm buffet, if you don't know

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you have it in the first place?

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Or if you wonder why you're not having a climax with penetrations

Second hack:

and wonder what is wrong with you?

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Remember, you're not broken.

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The game is twisted.

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There is nothing wrong with you.

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You've heard me say many times we are the only species with an organ

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only dedicated to our pleasure.

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So if we don't get in contact, or if we just ignore that part of us that is

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designed to bring us pleasure because we focus more on something else, we

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have no clue about what's pleasurable and what's not so pleasurable.

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Of course, it will be weird.

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Educating yourself around sexuality is very important.

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And not only getting informations about the risks of having a sexual

Second hack:

practice like pregnancy and STDs.

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I'm a firm activist for a safe sex by empowering people, giving

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them the knowledge they need.

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But I also fight this ambient mess, where we only talk about the risk

Second hack:

of sexuality and we cut ourselves from any source of pleasure and fun.

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Because sex is supposed to be joyful, enlivening, fun, messy,

Second hack:

full of sparkle, pleasure and life.

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And yes, you can have that if you want it.

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Even if at the moment, everything feels really far away.

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That's what this podcast is for.

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So, what do I mean by educate yourself?

Second hack:

Read books.

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Good books.

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How to tell the difference between a good book and a bad book?

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A bad book will give you rules to follow.

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And you don't need me to tell you, at least they don't bring anything really

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useful that sticks in the long run.

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And at most, they bring you another layer of guilt, shame and everything

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else, because you feel you can't do this.

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This is not accessible, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

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Choose books that are dedicated to your growth.

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Books that can help you release shame and guilt.

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Books that make you feel good.

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And most of all, that brings you informations and suggestions of

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practices, but nothing that promises you your problem will be solved.

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A book, especially a good book can change your life thanks to

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the info it has inside, thanks to the practices, suggestions.

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But never should it ever claim to have the solution for you?

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At least that's what I believe.

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Sometimes you recognize a good book as well, because it says something different

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from what you can see everywhere else.

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The good book makes you feel good when you read it.

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It doesn't create this heavy weight of To-Do feeling.

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Even if it can have practice suggestions.

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If you want some resources of good books, at least in my opinion, I will offer

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some suggestions in the show notes.

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It's the same for books or any media content dedicated to

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change the ambient narrative.

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Educate yourself with good material.

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And share with others.

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Ask questions.

Second hack:

What's your favorite book about this and you recommendation, you can give me.

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Why did you love that book?

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How did it go?

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What do you think about it?

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The more you will get some information about how your body works, about the

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possibilities you have, the more you will consume content dedicated to help you feel

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good and uplifting you, the more you will know yourself, the more you can create

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a sex life looks like what you want.

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So let's recap.

First:

self consent.

Second:

education.

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practice.

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You can't be a professional violinist, if you have never touched a violin before.

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Even if you have crafted your skills in your mind, have studied

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the how-tos for a long time.

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So, if you are unhappy with what your sex life looks like, there is

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a good chance starting to solo play and self-pleasure can help you.

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Major red flag here first.

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Self consent, self-consent, self consent.

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If there is no part in you that has interest in self-pleasuring

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self exploration, self journey.

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There is no need to do anything.

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Just check in with yourself, is it really a question of "I don't care care at all?

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Like zero.

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Or I convinced myself I don't care because I don't have the time, I don't

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feel like I deserve it, it is wrong to do that, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah."

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We can tend to convince ourselves we don't want that, especially

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around sexuality, since it's so heavily charged in our culture.

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And oh surprise, when we can have that for some reason, it can be

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really more appealing all of a sudden.

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So honor yourself first.

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Self-consent.

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Self-consent.

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Self consent.

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If you don't want to solo play play.

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Don't do it.

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If for any reason you want to connect to this type of play, but it fills

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uncomfortable, I know that personally at the beginning, just the idea of

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playing made be nauseous, go slow.

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If at the beginning, the only thing that is accessible is just cupping your vulva

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and breathe for weeks, that's okay.

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Or you can even go slower and do everything in your mind at the

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beginning without touching anything.

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It takes longer to rush, because when you don't honor your self-consent, you

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sign up for trouble in the long run.

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Or in the short run, for that matters.

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Also, let's not forget solo play isn't only masturbation.

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For most of us, it can start only with reconnecting to

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pleasure in all of our senses.

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I have some ideas about that in the ebook, I will link it the show notes, but there

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are a lot of things to practice even before going as deep as masturbation.

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We are designed for pleasure, from so many sources in your life.

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Since you have a pleasure organ, start practicing.

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Always honoring yourself.

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The metaphor I often use for this is about professional athletes.

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I come from a city that has rugby at its heart, so rugby

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playing professional athletes, they don't always practice as a team.

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I'm sure there are.

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I'm sure they have a lot of time they practice by themselves, cross

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training, building muscle, developing other parts of their bodies.

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So for those of us who might think that solo playing is cheating, that sex is

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something that is supposed to be played with only with someone else, I would

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ask you to consider this metaphor.

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You will have better sex in partnership, if you allow yourself to solo play,

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whatever that looks like for you.

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Also be ready when you start solo playing, you reconnect with what you

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truly like and what you truly want.

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And when you have been living on autopilot for a long time or not honoring your

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desires, your boundaries, it's going to create some change around you.

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And changing its messy.

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So.

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Let's be aware of that.

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But, change coming from your truth will feel better in the long run.

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So next time, when you start questioning your solo practice, remember that

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if you want to be a sex athlete, athletes practice alone, too.

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Let's also not forget one thing.

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We haven't discussed yet the idea of safety, how it is the base of

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everything in your life, et cetera.

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It requires definitely an episode by itself.

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But quickly said, allowing yourself to experience pleasure,

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whatever form it takes helps you reconnect to your true nature.

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The one with the pleasure organ.

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Yes, I know I'm a broken record.

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So when you reconnect to that, to this deep nature and you stop pretending

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to be something that you are not: like a robot that doesn't deserve

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to experience pleasure, or be happy to be alive, because you have a

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shit ton of things to do, people to take care of blah blah blah blah...

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you reconnect to your base.

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You reconnect to your safety.

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And also, if you have pretended to be someone you are not

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for a long time, I see you.

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I feel you, it sucks.

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And change feels pretty scary.

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We've all been there.

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And if you want to get out of it, you can, on your own pace.

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That being said, when you reconnect to your base and to your

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safety, you feel more grounded.

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And being more grounded is a good idea to have a life that feels sexy to live.

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Because when you're grounded, you create something that is yours.

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Because self-pleasure helps you figure out what feels good in your body, you

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can start playing with pace and rhythm.

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This is the fourth hack, slow down the rhythm.

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It's only when you slow down that you can truly explore what

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feels good and stay curious.

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When things are going fast and not consciously, we tend to get

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into our heads really quickly.

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And then we start thinking about something else like the kids, the

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fridge, the boss, or whatever.

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Slowing down, prevents your brain to get into the "got it, same as

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usual, not interested, bye" mode.

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Slowing down helps you stay present.

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Of course, sometimes you just want a quick orgasm, because you want

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your climax to help you feel good.

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And that's great.

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But, be sure to balance this practice with slowing down as well.

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Also because, when you slow down, you have more space to honor the self

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consent that you need to really have the time to listen to the answer inside.

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When you slow down, you offer yourself the possibility to discover something new.

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A new way of touching.

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An intensity.

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A pressure.

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A temperature.

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A texture.

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These details are not accessible when you are in full speed mode.

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Also don't get me wrong.

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Sometimes you do want to get your full speed mode so that you can feel good.

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And that's great too.

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Check with yourself.

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And try the balance.

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" So, okay, understood, I'll slow down when I'll solo play.

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But how about when I'm not solo?

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Cause you know, I tried to explain to slow down and it's not working"

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If you're playing with people that have a different type of genitalia than yours,

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or maybe the same for that matters, it can be really frustrating to be in

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your pleasure, and then your partner hears your climax is coming and changes

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the rhythm suddenly and speeds up.

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And you lose everything.

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Because that's what they do when their climax is coming.

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And, I read something in a good book once.

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That would be tell this person, this: "whatever you want to do

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at the moment, do the opposite.

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You want to speed up?

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Slow down, unless I ask you to speed up.

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You want to go straight to my breasts or my genitals?

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Go everywhere else until you hear me say "I want you to touch me there".

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Whatever you want to do, do the opposite".

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Let's be honest, there's a good chance you will have to say this

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several times, but when this person honors it, it works wonders.

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So just a quick recap.

One:

self consent.

Two:

sex education.

Three:

solo play.

Four:

slowing down.

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breathe.

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Breathing is the best way to slow down and explore in a

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conscious and pleasureful way.

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"Hey, thank you.

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Talk about a hack.

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I'm always breathing."

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My question is " Are you?

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Really?

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Many of us are stuck in holding our breath or not breathing deep enough

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when we play, whether it's solo or not.

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We tend to shorten our breath, or hold it when we feel the orgasm coming.

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Next time, focus on your breath when you feel the pleasure coming.

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Your orgasm might be different than usual.

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And that's expected, since you're doing things differently because

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you're not holding your breath.

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When you feel you start to tense.

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Breathe.

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When you feel the climax coming, breathe.

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When you feel you are getting in your head, breathe.

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It's such a powerful tool.

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After all, isn't it the base of every type of meditation to focus on the breath.

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Well, some would say sex is the most playful form and active form

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of meditation, which I agree with.

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And that's from the power of the breath and the energy that

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are moving in that moment.

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So when you feel you're getting into your head, slow down and breathe.

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And again.

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And again.

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When you feel you are getting overwhelmed with what's coming, breathe deeply.

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And you could be surprised by how your sexual experiences might change

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drastically, if you just think about breathing while you are doing things.

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Suddenly many more sensations are available.

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Many types of pleasure, of things that were not there before.

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And that's totally expected since you are reconnecting to, actually,

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what is keeping you alive.

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Your breath.

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This is one of the most useful, yet simple tool.

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I didn't say the hacks I was going to give you were like super complex things.

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Usually that's not the definition of a hack, if you ask me.

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Okay, so I gave you many hack concepts here.

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Like self consent, education, solo play, slow down, breathe.

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Can I have more practical hacks?

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Please?

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Of course.

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And one of the best thing that works, is to change the flavors.

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Choose new tools.

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Try to find something new.

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You love playing with your hand, try with a toy.

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You have your favorite toy?

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Why not try something new, maybe a new type of toy.

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Or a different type of material, from Silicon to glass, or from vibrator to

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not vibrator, play with temperature.

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And everything.

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We are human.

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We love variety.

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So, I guess now would be the time to tell you why glass

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toys are one of my favorites.

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As a uni egg or a dildo or a butt plug or anything else.

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First, hygiene.

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Your silicone toy might require specific cleansing product,

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for example, or anything.

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Whereas glass is the most hygienic of all, because you can

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sterilize it in boiling water.

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And also, with glass, you can play with temperature.

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I wouldn't advise you to put your vibrator in the fridge or in hot

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water, not sure how it would work out.

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But on a personal note.

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But you can do that with a glass toy.

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On a very personal note, I really think glass toys are

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beautiful objects to look at.

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I do want to say that a friend of mine has her glass dildo as

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a decoration in her living room.

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I'm not ready to do that yet.

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But, a glass toy can have really a feeling of special artistic, elegant,

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and precious feeling, that personally I don't get from silicone toys.

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Then again, maybe it's just me.

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Also, of course they are made of borosilicate glass, which is a type

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of glass that is made for that usage.

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So, no risk of having it explode or whatever.

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We are all humans.

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So we need some variety at some point.

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So do yourself a favor, and play with this.

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Change the tool, change the time, change the ambience, change the

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music, the scenery, change everything.

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Change the flavors, the possibilities are endless.

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The more you play with them, the more ideas you will have to play with.

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Honor yourself and change the flavors.

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Although, honor yourself if you want something that is as good as usual also.

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Remember.

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Self consent.

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Our last hack is not very conceptual, but very, very, very practical and simple.

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Use lube.

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Or oil.

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I wouldn't say all the time, but almost all the time.

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Why ? Because it only has advantages.

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First, things will play more easily, if there is enough lubrication for things

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to go smoothly and slide smoothly.

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And the more the merrier.

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Some people tend to have a great natural lubrication and that's amazing.

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But for many of us, especially when we have been in an Unsexy sex

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life for a long time with lack of self consent, desire, et cetera.

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That's not really the case.

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It's like a car that has been in a garage for a while and it

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needs some oil to work perfectly.

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You can all go on the highway right away.

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That's not a really sexy metaphor.

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I'm sorry, but we have a saying in French that says appetite

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comes when you are eating.

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Same goes for your sexual functioning.

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If you use enough lube, things will become more pleasurable.

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So you will want more, so your body will reactivate the pleasure

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making circle, et cetera.

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And so you will get more lubrication everything.

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Add hormonal balance, take care of yourself, digest your

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conditioning, you're in for a treat.

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So use lube.

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I do want to address something right away.

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There is this poisonous thought around us.

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"I shouldn't need any lube, because if I'm not lubricated enough,

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then, that means I'm not ready".

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That's false.

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With your feet, you can walk on any surface, but " if I cannot walk on

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sharp rocks barefoot, then that means there is a problem with my feet.?"

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of course, it's not.

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Using shoes doesn't mean there's something wrong with your feet.

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Same goes for lube.

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Using lubes means nothing about your level of being ready,

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of being normal, or anything.

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And so many issues can be caused by not enough lubrication, especially pain.

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Start with using mole lube almost all the times, and I promised you a lot

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of things can improve very quickly.

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And also, let's not forget.

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Lack of lubrication can cause condom tearing.

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So be extra safe and comfortable.

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And use lube.

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How to choose it?

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If you want to play with condoms or silicone toys, water-based lube.

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If you play with glass toy, or with your hands only, you can go

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silicone lube, it slides better.

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Some people offer to use oils because it's more natural.

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Personally, I think it's better to use neutral water based lube, when

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you get into touching yourself and keep the oil for the external massage.

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Because the water lube can go with condoms or without, whereas it can

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be really easy to get into a, " let me grab the oil I use all the time.

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Oh crap.

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We're using condoms.

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What did I put that bottle of lube again, where are you?

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Where are you?

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Where are you?"

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and the mood is gone.

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We could argue that oil is more quote, unquote, "natural".

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I'm not so sure, depending on where , how things have been cultivated

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and processed since it's food.

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It might not be as regulated as cosmetics..

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Even if in cosmetics, there is a good chance there are more chemicals in it.

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So my advice would be to choose a lube that fits you and stick to it

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and find the most natural possible.

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But you do you, honor yourself.

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In your sex life, your lube is your best friend.

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And usually what happens after two or three use is "oh my God.

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Why didn't I try that sooner?"

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So do yourself a favor, use it now and tell your friends it's amazing.

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And no, I don't have any shares in any lube society or whatever.

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Although I should consider it.

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Just kidding.

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So there you have them, my friends, the seven sexy hacks

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that will make a difference.

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You start with self consent.

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You educate yourself.

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You allow yourself to solo play, honoring your self-consent.

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And you allow yourself to slow down and to breathe.

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So that you can start playing and enjoying the many flavors available.

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Play with them as much as you can, and also play with your very useful

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bottle of lube, your new best friend.

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With all of these hacks, and yes, even if they seem simple, they can really

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be transformative, no need to go full complicated to improve and feel better.

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With them, you can slowly start to build the thriving sex

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that looks like what you want.

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If you found this episode interesting, please feel free

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to share it with a loved one.

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If you want to support the show, consider subscribing to the podcast on your

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favorite platform and writing a review.

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On spotify click on the star rating.

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And on apple podcasts, click on the star rating and click on "write a review".

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This is the best way to help this podcast reach the people who need

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to hear they're not broken and they deserve a life that feels sexy too.

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If you want to dive deeper, I have my free eBooks in the show notes available,

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it's called Essence reconnect to your body to reclaim the pleasure, to feel alive.

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And if you want to stay in touch, you can join me on Instagram @withdoctorfanny

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or subscribe to my love letters.

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The link is in the show notes as well.

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Thank you so much for sharing your valuable time and energy with

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