What if your childhood trauma didn't look like trauma?

Many adult children grow up believing they "didn't have it that bad." Yet they still struggle with anxiety, people-pleasing, perfectionism, low self-worth, and feeling like they have to earn love.

In this episode of the Adult Child of Dysfunction Podcast, Tammy Vincent sits down with Certified Trauma Care Practitioner Stacey Uhrig to explore why behavior always makes sense and why trauma isn't defined by the event—it's defined by the lasting impact it has on your nervous system.

In this episode, you'll discover:

• Why comparing your trauma to someone else's keeps you stuck.
• How childhood experiences shape your beliefs about yourself.
• Why your nervous system adapts the way it does.
• How seemingly "small" moments can have lifelong effects.
• What healing really looks like.

Connect with Stacey Uhrig

📸 Instagram: @staceyuhrig

📘 Facebook: Stacey Uhrig

▶️ YouTube: Flip Your Mindset

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As an international inspirational speaker, NLP Practitioner, Trauma-Informed Coach, Neurofit Trainer, and Best-Selling Author, I bring both deep personal experience and professional training to the work I do. I believe in prevention, not just intervention — and use a body, mind, and spirit approach to guide others toward becoming the happiest, healthiest versions of themselves.

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hello everybody and welcome

back to another episode of

2

Adult Child of Dysfunction.

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Today we have with us Stacey Urig.

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She is a non-clinical trauma care

practitioner, an educator, and

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host of Flip Your Mindset podcast.

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She helps people understand why

they think, feel, and behave the

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way they do, making complex trauma

concepts simple, relatable, and

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deeply empowering through the belief

that behavior always makes sense.

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Sorry.

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Welcome, Stacey.

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Hi, how are you?

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I am doing great.

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Glad we got to connect, actually

connect this time, so that's amazing.

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Gotta love technology, right?

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I know.

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So I'm just gonna jump right in.

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We're gonna talk a little bit about how

you got doing what you do, but before

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we even start, I want to actually make

note of something that was in your bio.

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When you say a non-clinical

trauma care practitioner, can you

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explain that for the listeners?

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Yeah.

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So I'm what's known as a

trauma care practitioner.

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That's how I'm trained.

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I personally…

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my technical title is certified

trauma care practitioner.

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I like to put in the non-clinical in

front of it because it's important for

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me to let people know I'm not a clinical

licensed social worker, 'cause I often

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get misrepresented as such, and also I'm

really not in the zone of pathologizing.

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My job is not to treat or

diagnose, as would be the case

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of somebody that was clinical.

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My job is to listen, hold space, and

help somebody understand why their

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behavior makes sense- And so I like it.

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For me, I put the non-clinical up

there so people understand I'm not in

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a role to be looking for a diagnosis.

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I'm really just looking to help

people understand themselves better.

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Okay.

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Perfect, and that makes a lot of sense

because I know I do TikTok lives, and

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the AI summary always comes up, and it

always says, "A therapist describes…"

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And I'm like, "Okay, guys,

another AI summary goofoo."

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I am not a therapist.

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I don't, because there is a big

distinction, and- Huge distinction … and

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honestly, one of the reasons I didn't go

into therapy was because I didn't like the

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idea of the fact that it- Western medicine

tends to, "Okay, these are your symptoms.

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Let me give you a medicine," instead

of getting to the root cause of

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what's actually causing things.

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So kudos to you.

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Yeah, exactly.

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Same philosophy.

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Yeah.

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So part of what I do too, and I

think we do the same thing, that

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I'm a I call myself a trauma

informed coach, practitioner.

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Okay.

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Whatever, I'm not even sure.

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People are like, "What do you do?"

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And I'm like, "I'm a body,

mind, and spirit coach."

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I'm like- we do whatever

you need at the moment."

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Staying in my lane, of course.

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You mentioned that one of your favorite

sayings or one of the sayings that you say

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a lot is, "Behavior always makes sense."

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Talk a little bit about that.

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Because I know in our world of people

not understanding why they do what they

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do, it sounds like- you're saying we

do understand why we do what we do.

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I certainly understand why

people do what they do, right?

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And look, the reality is at the

end of the day, we're really highly

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developed mammals, and we have a

lot of natural instincts, and we

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have things that are inherently very

important to our nervous system and

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our brain, which is to stay alive.

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And in order to stay alive, we

need to feel safe and secure, and

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connection is a really big part of

having a sense of safety and security.

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It's just a very primal need for us.

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So when we're growing up or we find

ourselves in environments where there's a

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threat to connection or there's a threat

to safety, we will naturally adapt.

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It's what we do as humans, right?

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Our mind and our body and our nervous

system, they're wired for survival, not

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for happiness or joy or contentment.

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So when somebody comes to me and

they say I lack confidence," or,

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"I don't believe I have worth," or,

"I'm a consummate people pleaser.

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I don't know how to set boundaries"-

I get really curious about what is

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it that you experienced at any stage

growing up, I'll say zero to 18, where

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maybe safety and security or connection

felt like a threat, where you felt like

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you couldn't just show up as yourself.

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Because what I know to be true

is when we are born, and I'm very

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much a practitioner of parts work,

when we're born, we're really very

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grounded and aligned with ourselves.

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We have a high sense of confidence.

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We have a lot of courage.

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We have a knowing of value.

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Those things are inherent.

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And so I get curious about

what did you need to do?

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How…

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What's happening that caused

you to feel as though showing

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up as yourself was not enough?

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Okay.

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And so when I help people connect those

dots, it tends to make sense to them.

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and that makes 100% sense, and it sounds

like you and I do almost exactly the

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same thing- Yeah … because I truly…

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and I go a lot into the body,

the body-mind connection and

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probably that's kind of everything.

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But at the end of the…

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'Cause I deal with root causes of

disease later on, but at the end of the

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day, it seems like everything, every

single inherent, every single belief

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that you have in your subconscious

mind, which is what we run off of- Yeah

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is from way, way back when.

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Yeah.

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And I noticed you do NLP.

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I'm certified in rapid transformational

therapy, so I also utilize hypnosis

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to access some subconscious work when

necessary or when valuable to help them

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start to recognize, oh, I did shape

shift there, and that makes sense.

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And when you can help them make sense

of it, they can look at it and say,

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"Am I still in that environment?

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Do I still need to show up that way?"

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And how do we make that very

familiar adaptation unfamiliar and

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vice versa?

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And it's all, we're all patterns.

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We're all just habits and patterns

and like you said, adaptations.

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If Yeah … everything adapts.

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Everything.

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it's not even just human nature,

it's biological nature, how we do.

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Turtles grow whatever they have to

grow to, to adapt in their environment.

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We do the same thing, and

unfortunately, children don't get

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to choose that for many years.

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they don't get to- … decide what's

going on in their subconscious or

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what messages they're being fed.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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So talk about the distinction between, So

you deal with a lot of childhood trauma,

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and the And I don't know your belief

about this, maybe talk on this too, but I

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don't believe, and I tell people all the

time, there's a lot of comparison and a

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lot of people not reaching out for help

right now because they feel like, "Oh,

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mine wasn't that bad," quote, unquote.

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Yeah.

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And it breaks my heart, 'cause I tell

people if it changed the way you look

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at the world and it which now changes

the way you look at yourself and the

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way you're acting in the world, then

it doesn't necessarily have to be this

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big T trauma to warrant exploration

and help really I agree, and I actually

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have a huge cringe when people talk

about big T trauma and little T trauma.

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Me too.

138

I'm not quite sure where that

compartmentalizing or that distinction

139

came into place, or how that came

about, but the reality is those of

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us who work in the space of trauma

know trauma's not the event, right?

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So we know that an event can

be traumatic in the moment, but

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trauma is really that aftermath.

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It's the impact of what happened,

as you said, that shifts the

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way that we see ourselves,

others, and the world around you.

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So there's no comparison on trauma.

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One…

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a big, bold experience could have

the same impact of something that

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somebody didn't think was, I'm

gonna put in quotes, "as bad".

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But the reality is the nervous

system doesn't distinguish

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between big and little.

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It looks at, did I feel safe and

secure and connected, or did I not?

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And so it it…

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And I don't mean to belittle or, diminish,

but if you're in a situation where your

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physical safety is at risk, and your body,

designates this as, "This is unsafe,"

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versus being in second grade and come…

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I've seen this so many times under

hypnosis, coming out of the cafeteria

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for social time and play time on

the playground, and maybe you ran

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to the bathroom before everybody

else went out, and by the time you

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came out, all the groups were had.

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Maybe they're playing dodgeball

or they're playing something and

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everybody's teamed up, and you're on

the outside, also feels like a threat.

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I know that sounds a little crazy,

but at the end of the day, we're

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so hardwired for connection, these

things are equally as impactful.

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And again, the event is

not what we're looking at.

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It's, what did you choose to believe

about yourself in that moment?

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Which is, I'm not enough.

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They didn't wait for me.

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I'm not valuable.

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It's not rational, but that's the

brain of a seven-year-old or an

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eight-year-old or a nine-year-old, and

that leaves us feeling unsafe because

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we're so hardwired for that connection.

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Big T, little T, I kinda

have a little issue with.

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I have a big issue with it.

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I hate it.

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And, the reality is we get to get

curious, as you said- As to what is it

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that you chose to believe in the moment

that was a beautiful and brilliant thing

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to recognize, and is it true today?

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Are we still living from decisions we

made earlier, or are we living from

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what's right in front of us right now?

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Are we living through the unhealed wound?

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I always say we filter everything

through the unhealed wound.

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Or, are we living it from

the view of the adult?

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And so we get to really

get curious about that.

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And the timeline, going back and doing

the timeline work is, it's incredible.

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'Cause I have, I had one client, and

I use this as an example all the time

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because people come to me all the time

and say I didn't have it that bad."

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And and this one woman- … she could

not understand for the life of her why

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she just had this deep-seeded belief

that her mother did not love her.

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And I'm like…

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And she's like, "I don't understand.

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My mom tells me she loves me.

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We had this great relationship.

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I never…"

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And long story short, we go back

and eventually she, we come up with

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this first grade scenario where her

mom had changed jobs and was late

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three days in a row to pick her up.

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And at a sleepover, the mom came down

to the sleepover party, and she's six

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years old, and the mom said, "Good night.

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Love you girls."

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And her best friend turned to

her and said, "I don't think your

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mommy loves you 'cause she didn't

pick you up on time for school."

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Yeah.

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That one moment- It- it's crazy

to hear those scenarios, but I

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have heard similar scenarios.

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The picking up from school's a big one.

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And look, the reality is

that we are all human.

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There's traffic or we misinterpreted

time or something holds us up.

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These are not things that

have mal intent, right?

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Everything's done…

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not everything.

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But in a situation like

that, there's not mal intent.

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There's benevolent intent.

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we're going to go pick up our kids.

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we're gonna have behaviors that are

gonna lead our kids to have different

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interpretations than the initial intent.

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I think what's important, 'cause

people will say to me all the

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time, "How do I avoid screwing up

my kids in a situation like that?"

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And I say, "I think it's just important

to recognize what's important to a child."

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And instead of dismissing, "Oh, I was

only five minutes late"- A really great

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thing to say to your kid is, "I know

how important it is to be picked up

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on time, and I know how hard it can be

to maybe be the last one, and that was

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not my intention, and it wasn't for any

other reason other than I got stuck in

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traffic, but you're so important to me."

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And those little nuanced conversations

can shift the way a child interprets

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themselves and what their beliefs can be.

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We're not gonna be perfect, right?

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We're human.

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But I always love to work with my

parents to let them understand,

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hey, it, you can't show up perfect.

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It's not gonna work.

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But if you acknowledge the impact it has

on your child, now you're bridging a gap.

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Now you're having a conversation, so

hopefully the impact will not be in

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opposite of what your intention was.

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Exactly, and I think the biggest point,

like even with her, like we kinda joked

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about it because she's "Yeah, now that

I look back about it, it was a really

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dumb thing to implant so deeply."

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And I said it doesn't matter.

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You were also in a household

where you didn't go home.

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Had you gone home and had the

relationship with your mother and said,

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'Hey, Johnny said,' or, 'Mary said

that you didn't love me because…'

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But that was never processed, so it

goes into that invisible backpack, and

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it just kinda sits there and festers."

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But I use that as an example of the

big T versus little T because…

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And I don't like those terms either.

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It makes me irritated 'cause

I'm like, it doesn't matter.

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like you said, it could be the walking

out and not being included in a group,

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and all of a sudden you're, you just,

you, 'cause your mind doesn't know.

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And especially when you're dealing with

a parent and a caretaker, and I know a

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lot of people out there listening are

starting to really hear me say this over

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and over again, your mind is never going

to let you believe that person has done

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wrong, so we internalize everything.

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We flip it.

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Yeah.

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100% tell me your thoughts on that

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Yeah, I think it comes back to what

makes sense to a child, and I always

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say that when we're adults and we're

looking back, and I hate it when my

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adult clients, I only work with adults,

judge themselves for the decisions

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that they made about themselves or

life or others or the world around

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them based on a particular experience.

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But the reality is the child's

just trying to make sense, right?

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meaning making beings, and

they're just trying to make sense.

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What would make sense in this situation?

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They don't have enough context.

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They don't have rational thinking, right?

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The prefrontal cortex is not fully

developed till we're in our mid-20s.

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And so they're really just surviving

and trying to make it through the day.

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And life is hard.

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That's that, that's the reality.

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And so I think a big shift in what's

coming up is really, at least current

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parents, like my kids are now 17

and 21 so I'm not, rearing young

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kids, but I have siblings that do.

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And I'm always saying to them listen

to what your kid is saying to you.

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Don't dismiss what your

kid is saying to you.

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Get curious.

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If they say, 'Oh, I hate you,' or,

'You're mean,' or, 'I don't like you,'

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or you're not nice to me,' instead of

dismissing it and saying, 'Oh, don't

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be ridiculous,' get down on that knee

and say to them, 'Tell me what's going

278

on that makes you feel like that's

important to tell me right now.'"

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Build the conversation.

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These are just little tiny humans

trying to make sense of the world.

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And I think one way to mitigate, gosh,

in a perfect world less trauma for

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people over time is to really stop and

dismiss and really ask questions of

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our younger ones so they can actually

voice or at least try to voice and

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process what it is that they're feeling.

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I just did a podcast yesterday with a

gentleman and his big thing was just,

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he had some attempted attempts at his

own life and I mean- Yeah … he was 14

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and he just, I just didn't feel heard.

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I just didn't feel seen.

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Correct.

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But we're in a d- I feel like

we're in a better world right now.

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We're in a world where we're trying to

teach our kids it's okay to be heard.

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We're not in that be seen and not heard.

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We're not in that phase of, I feel

I'm older, I'm in my late 50s, so back

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then even if my parents were g- I'd

wanna say well-functioning adults,

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but even if they weren't alcoholics

and narcissists, even if they were

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just a nor- we were a normal family,

it was still be seen and not heard.

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There wasn't this openness and this

communication, so everything was buried.

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Now- And also, I'm in my mid-50s, so same.

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And 70s, 80s kids, w- the idea

was get over yourself, suck it

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up, people have it worse than you.

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And there's a dismissal.

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And, somebody asked me the other day

on my Instagram, I did a, a reel about,

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not everything's actually a trauma,

because I'm a trauma specialist, and

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I think in the day of social media,

the word trauma actually gets overused

305

and not used in the right context.

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And the gentleman said, "What is…

307

what's your definition of trauma?"

308

And I said, "Trauma's simply a wound."

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If you look it up in the dictionary,

it's gonna say it's a physical

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or emotional or a mental wound.

311

And when I teach my courses on anxiety,

I often ask my students, "If you're a

312

parent or you're an aunt or an uncle or

you know a child, and they came to you

313

with a physical wound, like a gash or

some sort of abrasion on their arm, and

314

they said, 'I'm hurt,' what would you do?"

315

And they say, "I would attend to it."

316

Yeah.

317

"Okay, how would you attend to it?"

318

"Oh, I would clean it, I

would put ointment on it, I

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might put a bandage on it."

320

And I'm like, "Okay, and then how

would you know if it's healing?"

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And they said I'd probably

look at it and see if it's

322

scabbing, if it's not scabbing."

323

And we went through this

whole thing, and I said, "How

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would you know it was healed?"

325

And they said I could see it.

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I could see maybe the skin

is better," or what have you.

327

I said, "Okay, what happens if somebody

comes to you and say, 'That hurts me.

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That hurts my feelings,'

or, 'That upset me,'

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and you ignored it?"

330

It's no different than ignoring a wound.

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And here's the thing, if we had a

wound on the outside of our body

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and it was ignored and not attended

to, we would adapt in order to not

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have it touched so it wouldn't hurt.

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So we might brace it.

335

We're gonna find different

ways to protect it.

336

When we have these internal wounds

and we to express, if we have to do

337

sometimes it's pre-verbal, right?

338

Or sometimes we're verbal but

we don't have the language.

339

So say we're a little, older, we have

the language, we do try to express

340

it, and it's met with, "Get over

yourself," or, "Let it go," what are

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they supposed to do with that hurt?

342

So in, in my work, what I say is we

still have protective layers that

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we engage, and those protective

layers look like a lot of things.

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People pleasing, no boundary setting,

overextending ourselves, try- anything we

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can do to make ourselves seem or appear

valuable enough to be connected with.

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And when I present it that

way, that makes sense.

347

Yeah.

348

And that's what we're

trying to do, you and I.

349

It's you're not broken.

350

There's nothing wrong with you.

351

The way that you learned to adapt

when you had this internal hurt,

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and either you didn't feel you could

share it- Where you did share it and

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it was not met with the nurturing it

needed so it could process and heal,

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you're still walking with a wound.

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And they say time heals old wounds,

but I'm not quite sure that's true.

356

No, and I…

357

It doesn't.

358

I always just say that you just

keep adding wound on top of wound

359

on top of wound, and then they get

all meshed together, and then you

360

have this big ball of goo of wounds.

361

And that's why I always talk about the,

like I said, that invisible backpack.

362

Every time, every single time

something goes unprocessed.

363

So like you said- In

the invisible backpack.

364

Yep, put it in the invisible backpack.

365

So it's And I, the way I put it too

is, and you el- alluded to this in

366

the same way, is that it stores.

367

It's going to store somewhere

in your body, and- Yeah

368

inside internally.

369

Yeah.

370

And it's going to start to wreak havoc.

371

So it's like you have to get it out.

372

That's why I do…

373

Do you do a lot of somatic

work with any of your clients?

374

I do.

375

I- What I do, I'm not a breathwork

practitioner, I'm not a movement

376

practitioner, and I don't know if

you would call this somatic or not,

377

but I do a lot of visualization.

378

And I feel like the visualization helps

them process it in the sense that they

379

can s- My goal with that is to get them

to see the hurt as separate from them.

380

They see themselves as wounded, and

what we can say is, "There's a part of

381

you that's carrying a lot of pain," and

how do we meet it with compassion, and

382

how do we witness it the way it needed

to be witnessed when it first happened?

383

It's never too late.

384

So we can finally heal.

385

And I see those internal

wounds as like a thousand paper

386

cut lacerations to the soul.

387

So they don't even have

to be like a gaping wound.

388

It can just be a paper cut.

389

But we know if we have a paper cut or

some sort of little tiny thing, dry skin,

390

whatever, when we get salt or lemon or

any kind of acid in it, it really hurts.

391

And so I say to people, "Listen, it's

like you have a thousand paper cuts, and

392

then something happens and it hurts all

over again," and we call that a trigger.

393

What would it look like if we could

heal it so when those same things that

394

would normally be triggering in the

past no longer have that same impact

395

because it's no longer an open cut?

396

And when I try to do it

that way, it makes sense.

397

So somatic work can be a

lot of different things.

398

Some people do yoga, some people do

breathwork, some people do movement.

399

For me I like to use a lot

of visualization, probably

400

'cause I am trained in hypnosis

and I see the power of that.

401

And it really does have a

massive impact with my clients.

402

Oh, I can imagine.

403

Absolutely.

404

It…

405

Visualization is huge in general.

406

And it's, again, in your…

407

It's the…

408

I don't know.

409

I just, I love it.

410

I love that's part of it.

411

I think that's an

important part of it, too.

412

Yeah.

413

Huge part of it.

414

So for the people that are working with

you or whoever we're talking about out

415

there, and let's say it's been years

and they're still procrastinating,

416

they're still people-pleasing,

they're still doing all of that.

417

I call it, your kinda

leftover residual effects.

418

I made…

419

I gave myself a term one time and

it was so funny, and somebody's…

420

I called myself, I don't

remember what it was.

421

I was on a podcast and it just came out.

422

It was a POACDU, and people were

like, "What the hell is a POACDU?"

423

I said, "It's a c- a product of a

completely dysfunctional upbringing."

424

I'm like, and but the point

is like it designed me.

425

It's all of these thinking, but it didn't

define me, so now I've spent 30 years

426

unraveling all of that and people…

427

But- … what are some things that you

would tell your people to start asking

428

themselves to make little tiny shifts?

429

I think curiosity is the

solve to everything, right?

430

Because what I find is there's

a lot of self-judgment.

431

"Oh, there's something wrong with me.

432

I'm such a fill in the blank.

433

It's wrong that I'm a people

pleaser, or it's wrong that I

434

don't know how to set boundaries."

435

And I would say to them, get curious.

436

Why do I feel it's necessary

to make sure everybody's happy

437

with me through people pleasing?

438

Why is it that I'm uncomfortable

saying no or setting a boundary

439

or prioritizing my needs?

440

Curiosity is the one thing that I try

to engage my clients in and say, what

441

would it look like if we were curious

about the behavior versus judgmental

442

and have this inner critic kind of, high

volume thing that we're hearing up here

443

of all the things that's wrong with us,

versus what happened that made sense?

444

And curiosity, I say curiosity

soft- just softens everything.

445

It really does.

446

Y- you're not putting yourself on the…

447

Because, yeah, even when, the minute

you say, "What's wrong with me?"

448

And I say that, I, when I talk to

corporations and I, do trauma-informed

449

leadership kind of stuff, it's

why do people always ask that

450

question, "What's wrong with you?"

451

It puts people so on the defensive.

452

But we do it to ourselves all the time.

453

I talk a lot about

social constructs, right?

454

And people like order, and our, our

whole world is structured around order

455

and control, and it's a lot of shoulds.

456

People should show up this way.

457

They shouldn't show up that way.

458

You're supposed to do this.

459

You're not supposed to do that.

460

And I always say, "According to whom?"

461

All of those rules are set by

man at some point in time, right?

462

And so when people in a situation

like that are saying these guys

463

are supposed to be or should be,"

I always say, "Okay what would…

464

First of all, why?"

465

"And second of all, what's going

on with that person that doesn't

466

feel comfortable to them?"

467

And I also work with organizations, we

often talk about, say, burnout, because

468

that's such a big one, because all of

these adaptations often lead to burnout.

469

And I'll say to them, "Listen, you

hired them for their capabilities.

470

The burnout is the capacity.

471

So you vetted them.

472

They have the capability of the skill set.

473

What is going on?

474

Get curious about what is diminishing

the capacity for them to meet the

475

capability that they have," right?

476

And so again, this is not a judgment

of this guy's, not a good hire.

477

You hired them for a reason.

478

The question is what is going on

either externally or internally within

479

the organization that is diminishing

the capacity for them to realize the

480

full potential of their capabilities?

481

Yeah, and burnout is such

a big thing right now.

482

Huge.

483

It's funny when I talk to people and

they're like I just don't get…"

484

They come to me literally, a-

and it's that stressful, I don't

485

know what clientele or what

demographics you work with.

486

Most of my people are 40 to 60,

I could probably- Same … okay.

487

And it's just everything's

going great, like I should…

488

on paper I look great, and I'm just

physically, mentally, absolutely

489

freaking exhausted, and I don't know why.

490

Yeah.

491

Yeah.

492

But and that could…

493

we go, eventually usually during

that conversation, we do get into

494

that, "Don't shit on yourself."

495

100%.

496

And I think also, one of the adaptations

I see often, and I wouldn't be

497

surprised if you do too, is this

inability to be okay with rest.

498

Yes.

499

That productivity is the, thing that

we're all achieving, and people dun-

500

don't understand, again, we're not robots,

we're humans, and rest is restorative.

501

And why is there an internal

ick and cringe and fight against

502

not always being productive?

503

Why is it not comfortable for

people to just sit and be or relax?

504

And there's usually a deep physical

sensation deep inside the system,

505

this agitation, if you will, of

sitting and not doing, and we get

506

to get really curious about that.

507

And one of the, it's the most simple

thing, but it's something I think about

508

all of the time that I learned when I

trained under Miranda Sapir for Rapid

509

Transformational Therapy, is what is

familiar and what's unfamiliar- … and

510

how do we swap the two, right?

511

So familiar is go, and my worth and

my value's aligned with what I do and

512

what I provide and what I produce, and

it's uncomfortable for me to just sit

513

and be, but yet that's what I want.

514

We get to get curious about this

piece first, and then how do we

515

slowly I was gonna say make it

balanced … where we can have both.

516

Yeah, absolutely.

517

It's all about the reframing

at the end of the day.

518

And I know a lot of the people that

I deal with too, it's just that, and

519

especially in the beginning, that not

only even just the you, your worth is

520

determined by your productivity and your

go go, but honestly it's just that high…

521

I was…

522

I didn't like still.

523

I didn't like comfort.

524

I was literally addicted to that

kind of that adrenaline rush.

525

And- same … that, that took, I

would say probably took a good five

526

years of just getting out of that

to where if I sat down, it was like,

527

"Okay, this does not feel right."

528

It didn't feel right- It-

529

for a really long time.

530

Or y- you were just kinda always waiting,

that hypervigilance that you hear people

531

talk about, where you're just kinda always

waiting for something else to happen.

532

And- Correct.

533

And, I have a really

good story about that.

534

I am someone who struggled with

significant anxiety for about 30 years.

535

Okay?

536

And I'm 55 this year, so that's

a very long period of my life.

537

And started therapy at 15, didn't have

the word anxiety, didn't know what

538

anxiety was, but man, was I so stuck

in this overdrive sensation, right?

539

And then sometime in my early 40s, I would

say I remember being at an Easter dinner

540

somewhere, and I had been doing this work

for a very long time, and I was starting

541

to let go of that need for hypervigilance.

542

And I said to somebody, "Oh my God,

I don't know what's wrong with me.

543

I'm so tired.

544

I'm so tired.

545

I don't understand.

546

I'm resting…"

547

And I heard a whisper,

I get a lotta downloads.

548

And I heard this whisper

that said, "You're not tired.

549

This is relaxed."

550

And I went, "Huh."

551

When w- I don't, I can't remember

the last time that my body was

552

not in this hypervigilant mode.

553

I don't know what relaxed is.

554

Yep.

555

And in it, I was designating it, again,

as something wrong that I'm tired,

556

but really it's just that my body was

embraced for the next thing, as you

557

mentioned, and it just was peaceful.

558

And that was unfamiliar to me.

559

And it allowed me to get curious and go,

"Oh, is this what relaxed feels like?"

560

'Cause I haven't had access to

that since I was, like, 11, okay.

561

And I was 40.

562

Again, that made sense.

563

There were reasons why that made sense.

564

And so I like people to get curious,

and I've had clients come into

565

me in the past and say, "I think

there's something wrong with me.

566

I'm so tired all the time."

567

And now I use that and I say, "Are

you tired, or are you accessing

568

some peace and this is what it feels

like not to be in that go survival,

569

hypervigilant, fight or flight mode?"

570

And they go, "Oh."

571

I don't know, is it?

572

I'm like, "I don't know.

573

Let's explore it"

574

Yeah.

575

No it's a process.

576

It's definitely a process.

577

So you said that you had anxiety

from the time you were young.

578

15- Yeah … was when it

Yeah … is when it started Yeah.

579

Did you…

580

So did, I'm just curious as far

as your path of he- so that's

581

you've been healing for 40 years.

582

Yes.

583

You've been doing the work.

584

When did you know that you wanted

to get into helping other…

585

that you had enough tools and that

was your focus, was helping other

586

people not have to feel what you felt?

587

Yeah.

588

It's one of these things where it's

been a long red thread, of connection.

589

So in every role I've ever had in any

organization, I tended to be someone

590

that people felt that they could

go to for advice or wisdom always.

591

And I was always this revolving door

of people coming in, shutting the door,

592

and laying down this big bold thing

that they're really struggling with.

593

And it would always surprise

me because I'm like, "What?

594

Do I have a sign that's

'Drop your stuff here?'"

595

But I think that there was a sense

that I was a safe place to do it.

596

And in addition, I tended to actually have

some good wisdom to tend to share, and

597

it always was my favorite part of my day.

598

It had nothing to do with my role.

599

I loved doing it.

600

And to your point earlier, I always

said, "I think I missed my calling."

601

I should've been a therapist, and I'm

so glad I didn't go that route now.

602

But that has been a, a long thread for

a very long time, starting in my 20s.

603

At some point in my 40s, I got into

multi-level marketing, and I was

604

actually very good at it 'cause I had

a very good sense of self, actually.

605

I had a lot of confidence.

606

Not worried about other people's

opinions, but I could see that, worrying

607

about other people's opinions, was

what was holding so many people back.

608

So I was doing a lot of coaching

with my team and unraveling a lot.

609

So all of this is

experiential going along.

610

And again, back to that whisper, I

started hearing coaching, coaching.

611

And I didn't really know what that

meant, but I also knew I didn't wanna be

612

in multi-level marketing, into my 80s.

613

And I was in my late 40s, and I thought,

what do I wanna do for this last act?

614

And I went to my husband and I said,

"I think I'm supposed to be coaching."

615

And he goes, "What does that mean?"

616

And I go, "I don't even know.

617

I just have to follow it a little bit."

618

And so the path was a little wonky because

I had a big following because of my social

619

presence from that multi-level marketing,

and people saw me as a mind shifter,

620

as a mindset shifter i- if you will.

621

And that was something

that they were calling me.

622

I wasn't calling myself that.

623

So- I went through a couple of different

things to get to the point where I

624

opened a coaching practice, but I

truly thought I was gonna do life

625

coaching, and I was kinda dipping my

foot in and thought, "That's the path

626

I'll probably go get trained in."

627

But what I ended up doing was getting

trained in hypnosis within about six

628

months of my opening of my practice,

mainly 'cause it had been so beneficial

629

for me on my healing journey.

630

I'd been with traditional

therapists for 25 years.

631

It wasn't working.

632

I was still drowning in anxiety.

633

I took a leap of faith and went and worked

with a clinical hypnotherapist, and there

634

was a shift in me I'd never had before.

635

And I was hearing my clients

say, "I wish I understood why.

636

I wish I understood why."

637

And there was a part of me that

understood it's under the hood,

638

it- it's in that subconscious, so

I really wanted to understand that.

639

So this training with Marissa

Peer was very intense.

640

While I was in that training, and you

have to do a lot of reflective practice,

641

so you're practicing with other people,

what I recognized was everything that

642

somebody was struggling with was, and

I'm gonna put it in quotes, a trauma.

643

W- a perfect example, the situation that

I mentioned earlier on the playground.

644

Like, all these little nuanced

things had these big impacts.

645

I got very curious about that, and so as

soon as that training was over and I was

646

credentialed as a rapid transformational

therapy practitioner, I immediately

647

jumped into a year-long training in

trauma because I really wanted to

648

understand it for a variety of reasons.

649

From my own lived experience, I was

starting to connect some serious dots.

650

I had absolutely disqualified myself from

having had trauma, and was recognizing,

651

oh, I lived through a lot of trauma.

652

And also there were some people very close

to me in my immediate family that also

653

had some significant experiences that I

would label as traumatic, that I could

654

see the trauma, the impact, and I was

really passionately, obsessively curious.

655

And so I studied trauma for three years

w- and I shifted my practice to really

656

be to where it is today, which is really

helping people understand that these lived

657

experiences, these adverse experiences

actually really do have an impact.

658

So that's h- that was my whole path.

659

Love it.

660

Yeah, I know.

661

And most people do…

662

they use what worked for them too,

and it's I remember when I was going

663

through my process, I was I literally

joke and I say I was like just freaking

664

throwing spaghetti at the wall.

665

Like- 100 … I'm gonna try

this, I'm gonna try that.

666

And that's why I tell people,

"Don't discount anything."

667

Just because it worked for me does

not mean it's gonna work for you.

668

There's a million different

modalities out there, like you said.

669

But I truly agree with you, though.

670

It's, I'm very big into

the nervous system.

671

I think it's all in your body,

and it's all of those unprocessed

672

childhood experiences that got

stored in the nervous system.

673

So yeah, going…

674

you have to pull that stuff

to the conscious level.

675

That's, you know- Yeah … at some

point you have to delve there.

676

Like I tell people, you can talk

all day long and I have nothing

677

against traditional therapy.

678

I've gone.

679

I still go.

680

But to me, it was kinda like I hit a wall.

681

I'm like, I can talk about this all

day long, but it's not it's not hel-

682

it wasn't getting me over that hump.

683

And what I've learned about therapy,

'cause I'm a huge proponent of therapy,

684

everyone in my family's engaged in

therapy at some point in time, is

685

that I think also in the '80s and

'90s, the idea was if you're stuck

686

emotionally, you go to a therapist.

687

And that's not a wrong guidance.

688

However, what I've learned is

that- Going to a therapist is

689

like going to a generalist, right?

690

It's like going to a PCP.

691

But if you have something nuanced, like

trauma, which is what is keeping you

692

stuck, and you're working with a therapist

that's never trained in trauma, which

693

unfortunately, I have my own podcast,

I have a lot of trauma therapists on,

694

and the main question I always have them

answer is, "How much trauma training

695

did you get in your ch- master's?"

696

And they say very little."

697

And anything that they know

they've done well after the fact.

698

And so it opened up this aha for me

of, oh, no wonder I was so stuck for

699

so long, because I was going to a

generalist even though I had a bum knee.

700

I should've been with an orthopedist.

701

So it's like I've been dealing with

trauma, didn't know it was trauma.

702

I really needed to be with a

trauma-trained therapist, and I didn't

703

know that there was even such a thing

or that there was a distinction or

704

that there were different types.

705

And so I think it's important for

all listeners to understand that

706

you have the opportunity to ask

the questions to the therapist of,

707

what's your training in trauma?

708

What do you know about ACEs?

709

A lot of therapists don't know about

ACEs and adverse childhood experiences,

710

and that's a key indicator right there.

711

And this is all a learning experience

for everyone, and I think like you,

712

me, my goal is to just educate people

of what that industrial complex looks

713

like and how do you make sure that

you're working with somebody that can

714

actually meet your unique specific need.

715

Yes.

716

And I think it's so important, and I

think it's so important for the people

717

out there listening too, because I've

had people say to me I feel bad."

718

You don't ever feel bad that you go

pick a new therapist or pick a new

719

coach or pick a new whatever it is.

720

You need to feel safe 100%, and

you need to feel like- You just

721

need to feel safe, and to be…

722

to share and to know, like you said.

723

And I'm a very big proponent, and

not everybody agrees with me on

724

this one either, is I think it's

important, to me at least, that the

725

person has some lived experience.

726

100%.

727

I will not…

728

i- if my husband-- If somebody comes

to me and says, "Tammy, I'm grieving

729

s- I lost my husband two years ago,

and I can't get over this," I can

730

help them with basic stuff, but

I'll send them to a grief counselor.

731

Because- 100% … I'm like,

"I've never lost my husband.

732

I can't put myself in your shoes."

733

And I just, I don't know, I

just think it's so important.

734

My very first coaching client

said to me, "Tammy, I've been

735

going to therapy for 11 years.

736

I've given her $110 a week for 11 years."

737

She goes, "In 18 minutes you told

me one thing that I could do that

738

would change my life, and more

about me let me come up with the…

739

more about me than I did in 11 years."

740

And I said, "Because I was you."

741

I've heard the same thing,

and I am also a big proponent

742

of what you're talking about.

743

It takes a village and, in the space

of trauma, there's a lot of addiction.

744

And but that's not something that was

ever anything that I battled, or that

745

I had a deep, intimate experience with.

746

I certainly have peers in the

trauma space that is their jam.

747

That is how they got into their work.

748

That is their expertise.

749

And so I often have people that I

say, "Okay, if it's addiction, I'm

750

sending it over to this person.

751

If it's grief, I'm sending

it over to this person."

752

And, I don't have a scarcity mindset

in that I'm not looking to work with

753

every single person that came to me.

754

The ultimate goal is

that they get support.

755

And if it's not something I feel I

can support them on the best I will

756

absolutely say, I really think you'd

be better served over here because they

757

have a lived experience with that, and I

don't, and I really want you to get the

758

best out of this that you possibly can."

759

So I think we really need to, get

curious also with our practitioners.

760

And I think it's interesting before

when you said, 'cause I've heard it too,

761

when people said I just feel so bad.

762

I don't wanna leave that person.

763

I don't wanna hurt their feelings."

764

Yeah.

765

That, to me, is an opener.

766

That, to me, is a big indicator of, okay,

we've got an extreme people pleaser who

767

deprioritizes their own needs to make sure

everybody else is happy- … in despite of

768

their nervous system and their needs, and

we get to explore that of what is it about

769

this connection and this relationship,

why is that person's needs for being happy

770

greater than your need for feeling better?

771

And it- And it's just a great opener

It really is, and it's funny when

772

people come to me and say that.

773

I'm like, "Oh yeah, you're my people."

774

100%.

775

I can tell you where you need to be.

776

Right here, my friend.

777

So that's great.

778

So it tell people if they wanna work

with you, how you work, what your

779

platform looks like, what you do.

780

Talk about that a little.

781

Yeah.

782

So I have a couple of ways

that I work with p- people.

783

Number one is I do one-to-one coaching

with individuals or leaders in

784

organizations that are maybe having a

hard time with this in their organization.

785

But I love to do one-to-one coaching

and that kind of bespoke, let's get

786

customized to specifically your needs

to see what this challenge is and how do

787

we go back and make sense about it, and

look at it from a different perspective.

788

I also run, about three times a

year, a course that I developed.

789

It's an eight-week live course,

even though it's online.

790

It's in person, but online,

and that is all about having a

791

different relationship with anxiety.

792

Because to your point, we do best with

the things that we have the most intimate

793

experience with, and that is something

I've an intimate experience with.

794

That's called The Calm Code.

795

Okay.

796

People can find all of that at my

website, which is flipyourmindset.com.

797

And I also utilize Instagram as a

mega psycho-educational platform.

798

I'm constantly on there.

799

I'm very consistently sharing

content that is psycho-educational,

800

and it's just my name- Okay … at

Instagram, which is Stacy Urig.

801

But the one thing I would love p- people

to get curious about is over the years

802

I developed a survey, a free survey, to

help people understand how their lived

803

experiences might be impacting them

in ways that they don't understand.

804

And the name of that survey is

HURRT, H-U-R-R-T, and it stands for

805

Healing Unresolved Roots of Trauma.

806

And it was really based on this

idea that the ACEs exam, which

807

I love, the ACEs survey, was so

limited with just 10 questions.

808

And there was no question in there that

looked at resilience factors either.

809

And so I created this survey.

810

It's about 75 questions.

811

It includes resilience factors as well

as adverse experiences and emotional

812

neglect, and it gives people a score that

gives them insight as to why they might be

813

challenged, and gives them some free and

low-cost resources to just get ex- curious

814

again, to explore, "Oh maybe these things

were more impactful than I realized."

815

And that to me is always a great

stepping stone and to just opening

816

up that curiosity and peering

into the work that could be done.

817

Perfect.

818

And do you have a link directly to

that, that I can put in the show notes?

819

I sure do.

820

It's flipyourmindset.com/hurrt,

821

which is H-U-R-R-T.

822

Okay.

823

So I will put that.

824

So if you're listening and you wanna

grab that I highly encourage you,

825

because it's, those surveys are so

enlightening, and it's not just the-

826

Yeah … like you said, the 10 questions.

827

It's easy for me to go, "Oh, I'm a nine

out of 10 on the ACE scale," because

828

nobody knew what was going on in my

house, so no one ever went to prison.

829

So I would've been a 10 out of 10,

but that does not- Yeah … even

830

begin to scratch the surface, exactly.

831

I like that.

832

Yep.

833

Yeah.

834

Absolutely.

835

So thank you so much,

Stacy, for coming on.

836

You guys, I will put in the show

notes everything to reach out to her.

837

And before you go, if you had to give the

listeners one final words of wisdom for

838

the day, something practical, tangible,

or just something to make their day a

839

little brighter, what would it be today?

840

I would say if someone is really

challenged with the way that they're

841

showing up in the world that is

not the way that they want to, I

842

would ask them to ask themselves the

question, "What makes this make sense?"

843

And really allow yourself to not

fantasize or dream about what your

844

experiences were growing up, but just

get really curious and be honest with

845

yourself without judgment, and say

maybe I did adapt and that's okay."

846

And so I really…

847

The biggest thing is what

makes this make sense for me?

848

Okay.

849

I love that.

850

I love that.

851

So thank you again so much for coming on.

852

And for everybody else out

there listening, you got it.

853

Just ask those questions.

854

What makes this make sense?

855

Be curious.

856

Do not be judgmental.

857

And as I always say every single morning,

ask yourself, "What do I need today?"

858

Because that's what you need to do to

nourish your body, mind, and spirit.

859

So thank you so much, guys, and

I will see you back next week.

860

Have a good day.

861

Thank you.