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“The Painful Yearning” by Cardigan (read by Ta'kom)
19th June 2023 • The Voice of Dog • Rob MacWolf and guests
00:00:00 00:28:38

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A cat helps his bear friend deal with the loss of his wife by having a trip. But, the changes in the men's relationship complicate things.

Today’s story is “The painful yearning” by Cardigan, who writes adult short stories and interactive fiction. If you’re interested in a series, check out his Your Lancer stories; available on itch.io as a book and with an interactive reader. Otherwise, be on the lookout, he might be cooking up something new soon.

Read by Ta’kom Ironhoof, the Equine Charmer.

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If you have a story you think would be a good fit, you can check out the requirements, fill out the submission template and get in touch with us.

https://thevoice.dog/episode/the-painful-yearning-by-cardigan

Transcripts

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You’re listening to Pride Month on The Voice of Dog.

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This is Rob MacWolf,

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your fellow traveler,

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and Today’s story is

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“The painful yearning”

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by Cardigan, who writes adult short stories and interactive fiction.

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If you’re interested in a series, check out his Your Lancer stories;

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available on itch.

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itch.io as a book and with an interactive reader.

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Otherwise, be on the lookout,

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he might be cooking up something new soon.

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Self discovery has no age.

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There is no such thing as too late to come out.

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And sexuality can be fluid,

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with new unsuspected layers underneath,

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waiting their hour to emerge.

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Even in a life with apparently no way to move on, nothing but dead ends,

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any day may be the day

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that a new road forward opens up.

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It may be intimidating, but it is in these moments, by making one another’s lives easier,

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that we find that way forward

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together. Read by Ta’kom Ironhoof, the Equine Charmer. Please enjoy

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“The painful yearning”

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by Cardigan I awoke,

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confused at the golden sunlight on my face. The daze faded as my mind gradually rebuilt the previous hours.

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The provisions were ready, the children were in bed,

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and I stood outside my friend’s house at the edge of the village.

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Before I worried about anything else,

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louds steps approached me.

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A large she-bear, clad in a faded yellow dress and dirty apron, addressed me with a worried complexion.

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“They are right asleep now, cat-boy,”

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she said. ”And they won’t be up for a while.”

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“Thank you, Louise,”

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I replied. “And for letting the children stay. I doubt Ludolphe would even go if it not for you.”

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“No, it’s no bother.

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The tykes will spend more time with the twins than pestering me!”

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She sighed, before whispering to me.

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“Sam, will you tell him this time?”

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My first reaction came as a gulp, one that failed to ease my fears.

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“I don’t think… this trip is the right time to deal with that,”

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I murmured back. She pressed her frowning brows with a disapproving grunt.

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“Curses, Samson. This can’t go on and you know it.

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The longer you delay, the worse–”

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Another set of steps intruded on our hushed conversation.

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From the dark house, a large bear stepped into the crispy air of early morning.

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He came dressed for travel in robust leather boots

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and reinforced clothes,

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all tucked beneath a backpack stuffed with provisions

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and useful tools.

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I could only imagine the exertion the towering bear went through,

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given how I struggled with the satchels around my belt.

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The bear shielded his eyes from the rising sun blinding him.

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“We are all set,” he spoke in a serious tone.

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“Thank you, sister.

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This means a lot to me.”

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Louise shook her head while putting her palm on her brother’s right arm.

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“Not at all, Ludo. Take care, yes?”

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The ursine huffed and offered his sister a quick bow.

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“Let us go, Samson,”

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he continued, walking.

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“We have much ground to cover.”

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Through the developing morning,

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we walked steadily, not sharing a conversation longer than a handful of words.

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Ludo was never a talkative fellow,

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and I never minded that.

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As I had learned over the years,

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the bear had his own ways to express himself;

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ways I grew to enjoy.

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Regardless, the silence beyond the waking nature around us gave me more time to think…

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I had offered him the trip a week prior;

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at first, he just refused.

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Yet, I insisted that a visit to her grave

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—his first since her passing five years earlier

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—would give him the closure he needed.

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Still resistant, I ultimately had to reframe the story from a paternal standpoint,

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persuading him that without the burden of grief,

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he would act as a better father.

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His sister’s kindness to take in the children for the weekend proved a coup de grace for his resistance.

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Louise and her husband agreeing with me

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helped further push him to yield.

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Even then, watching him walk right in beside me,

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I could not quite believe how far he had come in his healing process over those years.

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Seeing him filled me with pride and joy;

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the sort of emotion that leaves one aching

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and yearning. Before I could stop it, my hand grazed his in a timid, silent plea.

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The ursine calmly turned to meet my blushing gaze.

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With a sigh, his own palm reached for mine;

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unlike my attempt,

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his grasp came with confidence and precision.

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The sight and touch of his large, rough, brown fur enveloping my mix of gray and white,

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weakened the ache until, finally,

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I grasped back. Another development during those years was how our relationship changed.

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It began as a need.

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Every year, most bears tend to get an intense rise in libido

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—known as a rut—if they don’t copulate with some regularity.

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After his wife’s passing, Ludolphe severely suffered during his ruts.

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It hurt to watch him struggling to that extent, so,

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after a year, I came to him with a solution:

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me. That did not completely surprise him, us three grew up pretty close,

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so only the bear siblings knew about my proclivities towards men.

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Even so, it still took a couple of gentle attempts for him to understand my point.

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And so, we began sleeping together once a year.

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For the first two years,

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the whole experience had been uncomfortable and insensitive,

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but by the third time, we had spent so much time together outside the bedroom,

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we both grew to enjoy each other in a new way.

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That night, after we, sweaty and gasping,

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had concluded our affair, instead of rising and going our own ways as usual,

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we lingered side by side on my bed.

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After some talking

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—the most I had ever made him talk

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—we decided to do more than just “the necessary.”

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Ludo and I began spending time together in secret.

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Sometimes we did have sex,

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but so many wonderful times, we just…

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lingered. Him and I,

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conversing or even silently enjoying each other’s presence.

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During that time, the effect our new relationship had on him became palpable.

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We all saw him let go of that sorrow and become happier,

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and more open in general.

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Louise herself figured it out in no time.

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However, as another anniversary of her death approached,

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he grew colder and more silent.

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And, once his sister told me he had never visited the grave after that day,

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I came up with this trip.

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A sudden lack of feeling broke my reminiscence.

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The forest reformed around me

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as I noticed the bear quickly let go of my hand.

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Confused, it took me some time before I noticed another set of travelers coming in the opposite direction.

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We exchanged pleasantries as they passed by,

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but inside, the encounter grimly reminded me of the hostility towards my kind.

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Especially during that trip,

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when we are all alone,

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we had to remain vigilant

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and careful. The painful yearning returned,

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but my hands could not reach what I wanted.

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We spent the rest of the day on the road absorbed in our own thoughts.

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Our minds engrossed themselves so deeply,

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the orange hues of sunset crept in on us.

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Not long after, we discovered a clearing in the trees along the road and made camp.

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A lingering uneasiness permeated the entire voyage

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and it only intensified when we realized we had only brought

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a single, cramped tent.

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While it had enough space for both of our bedrolls,

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we couldn't sleep there without touching each other all night.

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Remembering his behavior over the month,

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I feared such proximity would do more harm than good.

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So I tried protesting and looking for options,

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but the bear just retorted with the same answer.

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“It’s fine,” he said over and over in a monotone voice.

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Knowing him, he meant to soothe my concerns, but all

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I could only think of how distant he sounded.

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Regardless, we had a brief dinner by the fire.

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Only by his occasional hums and the slightest smile,

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I could tell he quite enjoyed the meal I had prepared.

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After we finished eating and putting away the used utensils,

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we simply sat by the fire.

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The flame’s warmth clashed against the wind’s coldness

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in a comfortable balance.

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Across from me, he looked at the dancing blazes with a satisfied smile.

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To anyone who saw him,

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Ludo came off as a stern bear without a trace of joy.

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He rarely smiled,

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especially after her passing;

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even during our moments alone he rarely revealed his grin.

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But, when he did, that sweetness on his face always captivated me;

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it urged me to reach out.

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“Feeling well?” I said, looking at him. “Hmm?”

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He said back without taking his eyes off the fire.

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“You have a silly smile on you. What’s on your mind?”

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“A good memory...” “Ah, I see.”

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Knowing his life’s many tragedies,

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there’s only one person whose memory could elicit

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such joy in his face.

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“Is it about her?” He snorted.

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“Aren’t you a nosey cat?” He went quiet,

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deep in nostalgia for a second.

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“Yes, it is. Remember that Harvest Festival… some

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ten years ago?” Confusion took me for five seconds; but then,

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I remembered with a guffaw.

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“Ah, yes! She insisted she could jump over the Great Fire, haha!

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You and Louise tried so hard to stop it,

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but I kept goading her!”

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Then, it came his time to chuckle. “Heh.

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Thankfully, it only singed her dress.” “Haha,

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indeed…” Our laughter died down into a wistful silence.

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An unique feeling draped over us; a mix of mourning, joy and shame.

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Soon, neither of us smiled anymore.

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Not long after, inside that tent

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and in our bedrolls,

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we struggled to rest.

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Unsurprisingly, our efforts to keep each other apart, led to continuous failure.

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So, after much rustling and discomfort,

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we resorted to lingering in the awkward situation.

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Him on his back and me on my right side,

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we brushed against each other from chest to thigh.

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Even through two layers of leather, his warmth

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easily made its way to me;

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a feeling that summoned the memory of a dozen nights when we embraced shamelessly.

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That pained longing returned.

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The severity of the emotion astonished me.

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My heart pulsated with anguish

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as I lied next to him,

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and I couldn't simply reach out.

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I found myself stuck in the chasm of having him within grasp but fearing that any effort might wound him.

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The situation did not let me sleep,

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but thankfully, someone else shared my plight.

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Ludolphe huffed a mighty sigh.

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“You should rest.”

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“And so should you,”

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I replied, doing my best to hide my own pain.

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We lingered in uncomfortable silence for an eternity-long couple of seconds.

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And yet, the bear found the strength to challenge that infinity.

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“Do you want to… sleep

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together?” Part of me wanted to break down right there,

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and tell him everything on my mind,

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hold him in tears,

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make stupid demands neither of us could fulfill.

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But I could not let those feelings make the situation worse,

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not during that journey.

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“No, I’m fine,” I spoke,

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failing to restrain all my thoughts.

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His face fled from the tent’s ceiling

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and finally met me directly.

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“You are lying.” Simply meeting the glint in his eyes put me at the verge of tears.

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“I am.” He grunted, sighed and put himself in deep thought for a few seconds.

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Soon, he began undoing his bedroll

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and, before I had the chance to question, he undid mine,

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exposing our torsos to the nightly air.

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Ludo wrapped his heavy arms around me and pulled us together into a comfortable embrace. That warm, ursine pelt burned away those constricted and shameful feelings,

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and lit a cozy and charming hearth instead.

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I desperately hugged back, with tears escaping my eyes.

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I tremble in his arms before speaking

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behind a sniffle.

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“Ludo… Are you sure?”

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“Yes,” he grumbled back.

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“I… wanted it too.” My mouth hiccups into a teary smile. “Heh,

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of course.” We spend the next couple of minutes sharing the smallest conversation.

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Nothing engaging, just a

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pleasant activity to tire us out.

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It didn’t take long for me to find myself talking to a snoring Ludolphe.

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A silly smile formed on my face as I watched his slumbering muzzle hiss out warm breath.

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My tired grin faded as adoration became desire.

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With his face so close to mine,

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my mouth quivered.

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Desperation made me imagine a scene where I would take him by the chin

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and plunge my tongue inside his cavernous mouth.

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One where, once he realizes,

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he takes me in his hands as well.

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I hear my lips smack against his,

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as my Ludo truly and finally proves his love for me. My conscience stopped me with only an inch between us.

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Stern words, his request to never kiss,

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echoed in my thoughts.

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I drew back, allowing myself to find satisfaction

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in the way he hugged me on his own volition that night.

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At that moment, as I drifted to slumber,

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something became quite clear to me.

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Louise was right,

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that situation could not continue.

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I made the choice then:

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somehow, I would tell him my feelings the following day.

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Morning, breakfast, and the time spent on the road passed me by

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as I calculated the best way to deliver what I had to say.

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Every approach I planted grew surrounded by a variety of uncertainties.

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In my mind, the slightest mistake

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could cause Ludolphe to misunderstand my words

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and possibly turn hostile against me.

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Still stuck in deliberations,

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we left the main road and dove into the forest.

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The dirt road gave way to crunchy leaves and wet grass.

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Our steps into the wild determined the start of the last stretch of our journey.

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After an hour, the bear’s large hand pulled on my sleeve,

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I turned quickly to find his usually stoic face

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in a cute mix of tiredness

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and hunger. “Okay,” I said after a chuckle,

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“we can stop for lunch.”

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The meal also did not affect me as every part of my brain concocted the perfect wording

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that would lead to a happy ending for us;

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all of my attempts still ended in some sort of failure.

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A gruff sound, a raspy exclamation from my partner’s mouth, stopped my thoughts.

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“Are you alright?”

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he said. I looked at him in a daze. “Hmm?

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I am. Why?” “You look…

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distracted. All day, actually.”

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“I don’t see what you mean.”

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He pointed his muzzle to the bowl in my hands.

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“You have been looking at your gruel for a while now.”

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My gaze went where the ursine pointed,

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and found the raspy mix of cereal and milk staring back at me.

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The untouched mush not only stared,

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but also spoke. “Tell him,”

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it said, “tell him now!”

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And I heard the command again and again in my mind.

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Tell him, tell him, tell him!

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“It’s nothing,” I finally replied with a smile.

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“I’m just not really hungry right now. Are you ready to go?”

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He grumbled. “I am.

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Let us go, then.”

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It took all of my strength to keep going after that.

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He led, and I lagged behind, my thoughts plummeting into despair.

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Shame, regret, anger at myself, and all the many other emotions all contributed

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to make any other thought unbearable.

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The sounds, the sights, the forest and the world itself faded

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until only Ludo and I remained.

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My mouth and my hands trembled

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with intolerable anxiety…

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Until a collision

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abruptly halted my stride and nearly knocked me to the ground.

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My senses returned one

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by one; the crunch of dead leaves,

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the damp aroma of the forest, a mild breeze slithering through the trees, and, lastly,

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the enormous bear standing still

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and silent. “Ludo!” I said after regaining balance.

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“What’s the matter?

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Did something happen?”

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He loudly inhaled

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and exhaled. “We… are here.”

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After a look around, the place grew perfectly familiar;

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just beyond the couple of trees in front of us,

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we would reach our destination.

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But then, why was he not moving?

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I surely did not expect elation or excitement,

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but I never imagined he would become so motionless,

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so hesitant right before her resting place.

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I approached him,

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looking for an explanation for his indecision;

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a close examination of his frame told me a thousand words

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Ludolphe would never say.

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His lower lip quivered with a strong desire to object to that last step.

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Led by dreadful anxiety,

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his breathing became uneven.

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And failing to grasp anything real,

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his hanging fingers twitched.

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Initially, I thought of telling him to forsake our mission,

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to return home and never speak of this place again.

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But, a realization snuffed that idea:

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he hurt and longed,

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just like me. Before saying anything,

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I reached for his yearning hand and anchored him to reality.

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My action drove him to jerk his head towards me.

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“Let’s go, Ludo,” I said with a weepy, proud smile.

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“She’s waiting.” My words almost broke him.

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I watched his complexion contort

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to hold back all those feelings.

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In the end, he responded by interlocking his fingers with mine.

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“You are right,” he said.

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And so, we walked forwards, together. The dense woodland gave way to open air as we were treated to a panoramic view of the surrounding grasslands.

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From that windy cliff,

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we saw the whole of the expansive forest,

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green mountains and hills,

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and, far in the distance,

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the infinite blue of the great sea.

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To look away from that gorgeous scene felt impossible.

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Yet, something else drew more of our attention;

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right by the edge of that bluff,

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a short stone slab stood,

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and on it, a life condensed into a name

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and two dates. There, by that fantastic landscape, she enjoyed her eternal rest.

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All the emotions the bear held back for years, made him shake.

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While I had guided him there,

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the journey belonged to him;

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I knew what I had to do.

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My hand escaped his iron grip,

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which prompted Ludolphe to face me.

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“Go,” I said in a whisper.

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Not a second later, the ursine threw his cargo behind and rushed to the effigy.

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He ran freely, leaving a trail of teardrops in his wake.

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Finally unbound by shame,

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obligations or dread,

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he fell on his knees before the tombstone and wept.

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Sobs and sniffles, the likes I never thought I would ever see coming from him,

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escaped his muzzle.

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“My Ada,” he said. “I’m sorry, Ada!

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I’m sorry!” I watched him crumble from a distance,

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and gave the space he needed to process the situation.

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Before I could hold back,

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a flurry of feelings came over me

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and I joined him in weeping for Adalaide.

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As he screamed her name, for the first time in years,

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my own grief manifested.

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By the time our coping turned silent,

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the late afternoon sky had turned orange.

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Still leaving him some more time to think,

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I went on ahead and put up our tent.

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The woods had gone dark

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when Ludo returned to me.

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He offered to help cook dinner,

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but, given the situation and the fact it was pretty much finished,

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I declined. That left him free to sit around the campfire and gaze at it once more.

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We remained wordless through dinner again.

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Aside from a couple of huff, groans and smiles,

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we ate our food without even acknowledging what had happened that afternoon.

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Then, after hours of quietness,

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the bear spoke up.

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“Samson,” he said in a tone still filled with melancholy,

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“thank you for this.

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I didn’t even know I needed it.”

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I smiled in response.

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“It’s my pleasure.

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Do you feel any better?”

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The ursine hummed in thought.

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“I think so. It… still hurts,

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but a weight certainly has been lifted.”

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“I’m glad.” A long pause followed those words.

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From his face, I could tell he attempted to formulate a sentence,

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to tell me something.

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After a while he groaned with a sigh.

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“Forgive me, Sam. I don’t have the words to tell you how grateful I am.”

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“It’s fine. I’m certain you would come here on your own eventually.”

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“Well, I am not. And,

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I’m not talking about just this trip.

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Everything you have done for me, before and after

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Adalaide’s passing…”

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He huffed and shook his head.

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“I have no words. Samson, I…”

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Another pause, a painful, long one where time stopped as we stared at each other.

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“I appreciate you.”

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Appreciate. The word flowed through the halls of my mind.

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I begged and screamed for that word alone to satisfy me;

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that his attempts proved his feelings

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and that “we” could keep going on appreciation alone.

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In the end, I failed.

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“I’m glad to appreciate me, I really am.

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But… I cannot do this anymore.”

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I rose, hiding my complexion in the darkness.

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“Ludo, what are we?”

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“Huh?” “What does our time spent together mean?

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Beyond sex, we have done things only lovers do,

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and I just can’t keep doing it;

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not if you don’t give a straight answer.”

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The ursine remained silent

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as I turned away from the fire,

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plunging myself deeper into darkness.

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“You still hurt over Ada,

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and I understand that;

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I don’t want to push you… But,

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Ludo, I want more from this,

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from us!” “Sam…” I heard him rise, but did not look back.

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Looking at the stars above, tears escaped my eyes.

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“I know it is hard for you,

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and I will remain your friend regardless of your decision.

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But I need to hear you tell me your feelings.

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That you can love again;

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I need to hear you say,”

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my trembling voice became teary,

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“that you love m-”

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In a single, sudden move he snuffed my words.

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During my spiel, he snuck behind me,

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wrapped himself around my body with one arm,

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and with his free hand, he clasped my chin to press my mouth to his.

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For years, I had imagined that moment; the sort of

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big, romantic gesture only dreams can conjure.

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My daze faded in an instant,

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soon, I kissed him back.

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I welcomed his tongue in

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and dove into his muzzle with my own.

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Sloppily, tenderly, loudly,

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I satisfied my thirst as his body bent mine into the ground;

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and the fall did not stop us.

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Our desire had made us drunk,

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and in the other’s mouth we found the sweetest liquor.

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We stopped, eventually.

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He hugged my lower torso while we spooned on the dark grass.

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Heaven dissipated

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and reason returned, a storm of emotions moved me to talk in whispers.

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“So,” I said, with his head on my shoulder,

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“what does that mean?”

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I expected a long, thoughtful pause would follow,

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but he replied with an

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arrow of an answer.

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“It means… I don’t know.”

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I tried to protest, but Ludo kept talking.

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“I want to keep being like this with you.

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I’m sorry I cannot give you the words you want right now.

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But if that is your request,

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I promise I’ll work every day to be able to do so.”

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“Ludo…” “You have been wonderful to me all this time,

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so I understand it is not my place to ask this but…

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Could you wait for me just

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a little longer?” Silence.

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Both around us and inside my mind.

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From that position, I realized I could see her dark grave before an endless sea of stars.

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Sharp pain and intolerable yearning took over me.

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I did not know how to respond.

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This was “The painful yearning” by Cardigan, read for you by Read by Ta’kom Ironhoof, the Equine Charmer.

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You can find more stories on the web

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at thevoice.dog,

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or find the show wherever you get your podcasts.

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Happy Pride, and Thank you for listening to The Voice of Dog.

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