Today, we dive into the often murky waters of love as outlined in 1 Corinthians 13, specifically focusing on the idea that love is not easily provoked. This episode highlights how a man's irritability, often stemming from external pressures like work, can negatively impact his family life. We discuss the vital role of self-control, emphasizing that a man must govern his spirit to create a nurturing environment at home. Through the lens of scripture, we explore practical wisdom, proving that true strength lies in our ability to respond with kindness rather than irritation.

The crux of our conversation is a call to self-governance, where we recognize that emotional maturity is not about suppressing feelings but about managing our reactions thoughtfully and respectfully. Ultimately, our discussion culminates in recognizing that true love transcends mere behavior; it requires a heart aligned with Christ's teachings. We leave listeners with an invitation to reflect on their own relationships and consider how they can cultivate a home filled with kindness and understanding, rather than frustration and anger. In a world that often challenges our patience, we can still strive to create an environment that reflects the love we wish to see, nurturing our families with tenderness and grace.

We present the idea that love must be proactive, encouraging husbands to be leaders in their households by modeling patience and humility. With relatable anecdotes and scriptural references, we illustrate how the dynamics of communication can either build up or tear down relationships. For instance, we highlight how a soft answer can diffuse tension, while harsh words can escalate conflict, emphasizing the importance of tone and demeanor in our interactions. Through biblical narratives, we draw comparisons to figures like Moses and Jonah, who grappled with their own frustrations and the consequences of their actions. These examples serve as reminders that even those we admire can falter under pressure, but it is in our response to those pressures that we demonstrate true spiritual maturity. Our conversation culminates in a challenge for listeners to reflect on their own patterns of communication and leadership within their marriages, urging them to embrace humility and tenderness as they navigate the complexities of love.

Takeaways:

• The biblical description of love emphasizes that true love is not easily provoked, which is crucial for maintaining harmony in relationships.
• Understanding the difference between being slow to speak and quick to anger can significantly reduce marital conflicts.
• A husband must learn to govern his spirit, as this reflects true strength and leadership within the home.
• The way we respond to irritation reveals our inner heart; love must discipline what spills out during stressful moments.

And welcome to our ongoing study of First Corinthians 13 and the description of love.

We have been looking at the carnal mind versus the spiritual mind, and in particular how the marriage relationship is the ground for learning how to be that spiritual man.

It is where the tests are very readily seen and put into play.

Today we're continuing our study of what love looks like and what it doesn't look like so that we get a good picture of its description primarily, and the power of that description.

So we've talked about love being kind and patient, and we've talked about love being humble.

Today we want to talk about that.

It's not easily provoked.

It seems that as we were beginning to discuss this last time, that so many men become irritable because of jobs or their workplace or something has happened to make them very irritable, and they take it out on their family when they get home.

They're inconvenienced by the dog wanting in or something going on in the house, someone crying, and rather than getting up to see.

And being a man that leaves the home, he's just it's all about him.

And I know there's pains and there's hurts and there's hardships that press upon every human being, but nothing can be nearly so bad as what our Lord went through.

And yet he didn't act that way.

And so if we're to love like Christ loved, the called out, what does that look like?

1 Corinthians 13 is a great example of what that looks like.

We left off last time Talking about James 1 and the value of that advice to be swift to hear, want to be available, want to be present to hear and to be a leader in the home.

And you can't do that if you're not present.

Be slow to speak and slow to wrath.

The passage is deeply practical for marriage.

Many marital wounds would be prevented if a man could just obey those three commands.

But being irritable and being upset and are tired can reverse those very quickly.

Now it's slow to hear and quick to speak, and quick to anger and swift to hear means I don't treat my wife's words as important.

Slow to speak means I don't rush to defend myself.

Slow to wrath means I don't give my anger the driver's seat and let that control and dictate what I say and how I say it.

So the wrath of man just does not produce the righteousness of God.

Now, that doesn't mean that it's sin to be angry in Fact, we're given the command be angry.

It's in the imperative mood.

There's nothing wrong with anger.

The problem is what we need to identify as being wrong is what motivates it, what moves it, what's the driving force behind it.

But that's why James says, the wrath of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

That sentence should be written over many conversations in a marriage because a man can feel that his irritation is justified and he can think, well, if she just stopped doing this, I could respond this way.

And James does not say the wrath of man sometimes produces righteousness when he has a good reason or something like that.

He says, the wrath of man does not work the righteousness of God.

And so a husband can't irritably produce Christlikeness in the home.

He can't snap his way into peace.

Do you see the point?

He can't provoke his wife into security.

He's not going to produce any righteous behavior by that kind of reaction.

He can't create tenderness by being harsh.

And so in Proverbs 15:1 again, a soft answer turns away wrath.

But grievous words stirs up anger.

So a man can change the direction of an entire conversation by the softness or the harshness of his answer.

Now, some of us might jeer at that and think, well, I'm the way I am.

I've been this way all my life, and that's just the way it's going to be, and you're just going to have to get over it.

Well, I think that's the kind of man that's not humbled himself to think about repenting and think about being like Christ and think about acknowledging his mistakes and admitting his wrongs and asking for patience to go through them and be the kind of man that he needs to be.

Husband cannot do that.

He cannot be the leader that he needs to be in the home when he performs in this way.

Certainly a man can snap.

We all can do that.

Any man can allow pressures to spill out of his mouth.

But the man who governs his tone under stress is displaying spiritual maturity.

The wise man said in the 16th proverb in verse 32, he that is slow to anger is better than the mighty.

And he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.

Now that's a masculine verse, isn't it?

Taking a city, ruling his spirit.

I mean, which do you think is greater?

Someone that can take a city and conquer it, or someone that can rule his spirit?

Or the wise man seems to think it's the ruling of the spirit.

It tells us that self government is strength.

The man that can rule his own life, rule his own spirit, because that's what a leader is.

He's setting the example.

He is taking the initiative to be acting in the best interest of others by providing that example, by providing the right tone, the right environment in the home.

So it's discipline, strength.

It's not weakness.

Conquering others is easier than conquering yourself, isn't it?

But I think the men that are men of God need to be focused on conquering themselves first.

Many men want to be respected.

I think that's one of the problems in a marriage, oftentimes from a man's point of view, is that he doesn't feel respected.

And it may be because he feels like he has strength and qualities in the home that he's not being admired for.

They want to be seen as capable, hard working, knowledgeable, decisive.

But the Scripture presses much deeper than that.

The question is, can you rule your spirit?

Can you govern your spirit, your tongue?

Can you restrain the irritation when tired?

Can you lower your voice when you're provoked?

Can you remain gentle when misunderstood?

Now that's not weakness.

That's strength under the lordship of God.

And when I feel like I've arrived, I find myself falling short or over and over again.

Consider Moses in chapter 20 of Numbers.

The Scripture describes him as very meek, above all men upon the face of the earth.

And yet even Moses had a moment when frustration overcame obedience.

Remember when Israel complained for water?

God told Moses to speak to the rock.

But instead he spoke harshly to the people and struck the rock.

He said, hear now, ye rebels.

And in that moment, Moses allowed irritation to shape his conduct.

The people were difficult, weren't they?

Their complaints were real.

And Moses had endured a whole lot.

But God still held Moses accountable for misrepresenting him before the people.

And that's the warning for us as husbands.

A man can be genuinely burdened.

He may be tired.

He may feel unappreciated.

He may carry pressures that others do not see.

His wife, his children or anybody else.

But those pressures do not give him the right to misrepresent Christ in his home.

I understand.

I understand.

If anybody understands as a man, I get that fatigue is hard, but it is not, Lord.

Fatigue should not rule.

In other words, frustration is very real, but it should not be king of your life.

Pressure is real, but it doesn't give the right to not to govern our tongue.

So, my friends, if we as husbands who are to love, sacrificially can learn to pause before answering.

We can learn to recognize when my soul is agitated and learn to say, I need a moment so I don't speak wrongly.

And that kind of man will learn to lower his voice rather than raise it because he's thinking on it.

He learns that a harsh tone can wound even when the words themselves are very defensible.

May be right.

There's another example in the Bible, and that's in Jonah.

Jonah obeyed God outwardly, but inwardly he wasn't very happy with the request.

God sent him to Nineveh and Jonah preached.

The people repented and God showed mercy to them.

Oh, Jonah was not happy with that.

The Bible says he was angry, in fact.

And God asked him, does thou.

Doest thou well to be angry?

And that's a searching question.

Do you do well to be angry?

In other words, Jonah, is your temper righteous?

In other words, what is motivating it?

What is the driving force behind it?

As we asked earlier, is it producing what's good?

Is it aligned with my mercy?

Is it helping anything holy?

Jonah, do you do well to be angry?

Now that's the question that us husbands should be asking when irritation arises, do I do well to be angry?

It's not, can I explain why I'm angry?

As if it's justified.

We can almost always explain it.

I mean, we're good at justifying ourselves.

We've been doing it all our lives.

But the better question is, is my anger serving love?

Is my tone displaying the spirit of Christ?

Is this irritation producing righteousness?

Well, Jonah was angry, but he was angry because God was merciful to people that Jonah didn't want to love.

And sometimes irritability in marriage grows because a man wants mercy for himself, but judgment for his wife.

He wants understanding for his weaknesses, but he has little patience for hers.

He wants his burden to be considered, but he dismisses her burdens.

He wants grace when he's tired, but he offers sharpness when she's tired.

So love refuses that double standard.

Jesus gives the opposite example.

You'll remember when Thomas doubted, or when Peter rebuked him.

They slept in Gethsemane and Thomas doubted that they had seen the Lord.

And Philip said, well, show us the Father.

After so much time with him, Jesus bore with him.

In fact, there's a little frustration, and I don't know for sure because I can't hear the tone of the Lord's voice, but it seems as if he's saying, have I been so long time with you and don't you know that when you see me, you see the Father, as if to say, he's so frustrated.

He wasn't angry.

He wasn't out of control.

He controlled his spirit.

But you can see the.

The frustration and the hurt.

Jesus gives us the opposite example.

Think about how they were so slow to understand how they argued about who would be greatest in the kingdom.

They misunderstood his mission.

They slept in Gethsemane, and yet Jesus bore with them.

Oh, he corrected them.

He spoke plainly, let's not forget that.

But his correction was not the same as selfish irritability.

He didn't live as a man easily annoyed by the weakness of others.

He came not to be ministered unto, but to minister and to give his life as a ransom for many.

There is one scene especially important, I think, that certainly stands out in my mind as a husband.

And it's important for all husbands.

It's in first Peter 2.

Peter says of Christ, who, when he was reviled, reviled not again.

When he suffered, he threatened not.

Jesus entrusted himself to him that judges righteously.

Now, that's love, my friend, under pressure.

When he was reviled, he didn't revile in return.

It wasn't like, well, let me.

Let me give you an idea of how that feels and dish it right back to him.

When suffering, he didn't threaten.

He didn't need to win every exchange.

He didn't need to return every insult.

He didn't need to prove himself in the moment.

A husband who follows Christ has to learn that discipline.

Because not every provocation requires a response.

Not every situation or irritation deserves some expression.

Not every feeling has to have a voice attached to it.

There are moments when love should say, I will not return harshness for harshness.

I will not escalate, I will not threaten, and I will not use my strength to intimidate.

But instead, I will entrust myself to him who judges righteously.

I will entrust myself to God and speak in a way that honors Christ, and he'll take care of any injustice.

Now, that doesn't mean a husband never addresses problems.

It means he does not address them from the throne of irritation.

It means he does not let anger become the master of the conversation.

Now, there is a difference between saying, we need to talk about this and saying it with the Spirit that punishes her.

This is the difference between correction and being contemptible or showing contempt.

There's a big difference between that just as much as there's a difference between being a true leader and showing emotional intimidation.

There's a difference between saying, we need to talk instead of demanding someone sit down and listen to you, think about if we had to use an illustration.

I don't know if this fits or not, but a thermostat doesn't merely reflect the temperature, does it?

But it helps regulate the temperature.

In other words, it's there to help us regulate the temperature.

There's a reason for why it's present.

And some men are not thermostats in the home.

They're thermometers.

They simply reflect whatever they feel.

If they're hot, then the room becomes hot.

If they're cold, the room becomes cold.

If they're agitated, everyone feels agitated.

And that's typical.

It could be also from the wife, the mother.

But when the father comes home or the husband comes home, and that's his demeanor, it has its ripple effect on others.

Everybody is touched by it, and it sets the tone for the rest of the evening.

Oftentimes it does, at least for, well, young and old alike.

It really does have an influence on everyone.

And so, you know, if they simply reflect what they feel too.

If they're hot, the room becomes hot.

If they're cold, the room becomes cold.

So spiritual maturity, though the spiritual mind, not the carnal mind, it calls a man to become more like a thermos.

Thermostat.

He helps set the emotional climate.

He brings steadiness to the home.

He shows restraint under pressure, and he brings warmth and comfort.

He doesn't allow every passing mood to determine the atmosphere of the household.

Another illustration.

If you can imagine a man that's carrying a full cup of coffee and someone comes up near him and bumps him, and coffee spills out everywhere.

Now, he may naturally bark out, you made me spill my coffee.

But the reason the coffee came out is because coffee was in the cup.

The bump just revealed what was inside.

Now let me illustrate it.

Marriage can bump us just as easy as fatigue can bump us.

Disappointments can bump us.

Financial pressures bumps us.

Misunderstandings can bump us.

Children certainly can bump us.

Responsibilities.

Irritation spills out.

And the bump didn't create the heart.

It only reveals it.

It's not what happens to you in life that matters.

It's how you react to.

Doesn't mean that circumstances are irrelevant.

It means the heart has to be trained and.

And love disciplines.

What spills out.

Jesus said, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

That means that tone is not merely a communication issue, It's a heart issue.

Sarcasm and harshness and contempt and irritation.

They don't come from nowhere.

They come from a heart that needs to be governed by Christ.

And so that's why love must be more than behavioral management.

I think that sometimes our counselors, in talking about this topic are merely focused on, again, on the exterior.

They're focused on appearances.

They don't get at the heart of the issue.

To change how a man thinks, Jesus says, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks.

And so that's why love has to be more than just behavioral management.

A man has to learn more than just techniques to sound calmer that might help him, you know, deeper than technique.

He has to learn repentance.

He has to learn humility and willingness to say, I'm wrong and I want to change and I want to be better and I want to be like my Lord.

He must ask, why do I feel entitled to speak this way?

And why do I treat my wife as an interruption?

Why does inconvenience feel like an injustice?

Why do I believe my tiredness gives me the right and the permission to wound others?

Now, those are spiritual questions, and the spiritual mind will be asking those very questions.

But here is where arrogance and irritability often join hands.

They say a different thing altogether.

Pride says, I shouldn't have to be corrected like that.

Or, don't forget who you're talking to.

Irritability says, am I?

And I'm being annoyed.

Well, you get the point.

Pride refuses to bend.

And being irritable just punishes the person who asks him to bend.

And that combination is very deadly to marriage.

So what does love do in that particular case?

Well, love humbles itself before God, listens before answering, confesses without excuse.

Love, Apollo, it doesn't say, well, if you hadn't have been that way, I wouldn't have done that.

Or you understand that this situation was the cause of that.

It just simply apologizes without any kind of manipulation, without any kind of an excuse or justification.

Love asks for forgiveness without demanding immediate emotional comfort in return, whether you get any recognition or not.

They may say, it's a long time coming.

I'm sure glad to hear that.

Now, that doesn't mean that that was the right response for them, but I'm just suggesting that we can't control what others, how others will respond to it, nor should that matter as it pertains to my choice.

Love doesn't say, I said I was sorry, so now you need to get over it.

Well, that's not humility.

True humility understands that wounds take time to heal.

Love also learns to repair quickly.

Ephesians 4 says, Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.

Now, that doesn't mean every complicated issue has to be fully solved before bedtime, but it does mean that anger must not be given a settled place.

In other words, we're going to have to settle this.

We're going to have to address this.

And so a husband shouldn't let cold silence become a weapon.

And he should not punish his wife with distance and just, you know, give her a cold shoulder.

He shouldn't allow irritation to harden into bitterness.

And that's something you'll remember that the book of Colossians speaks about, that he not become bitter toward his wife.

Colossians 4, Ephesians 4 also says, Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and evil speaking be put away from you.

Now, I know he's not just talking to husbands there.

Then Paul says, be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ's sake, hath forgiven you.

Now, that's the atmosphere of a marriage.

Kindness, tenderheartedness, understanding, forgiveness.

Not arrogance, not irritability and harsh words, and certainly not contempt.

Tenderheartedness is a word that many men need to recover.

It doesn't mean weakness.

It means the heart has not become hard, so it's tender.

He can still be strong, but his strength is not cruel.

He can make decisions, but he can also be moved.

He.

He can correct, but when he corrects, he can weep and he can feel.

Be compassionate and be moved with understanding.

He can lead, but he can also listen.

And so the world can call that weakness if they want to, but the Scripture calls it Christlikeness.

Again, when you think about Abigail and Nabal, on Nabal in 1st Samuel 25, Nabal was harsh and foolish.

His own servants had described him like that.

And David's men had protected his shepherds.

And when David asked for provision, Nabal had been blessed highly.

And Nabal answered with contempt.

He's not going to help David's men.

He was arrogant.

He was insulting and ungrateful for that service they had given him.

Abigail, on the other hand, she acted with wisdom and humility.

She moved quickly and spoke respectfully, and she prevented a disaster from happening.

She didn't mirror Nabal's foolishness.

She became an instrument of peace.

So Nabal's naval, if you want to call him, pronounce it that way.

His example is a warning to us as men.

A harsh and arrogant man can endanger his household while thinking all along that he's defending his dignity, but his own pride blinds him.

To the destruction that he's causing.

He's the one behind the cause of their, or could have been of their destruction.

His irritability makes others work around him rather than with him.

And so this is a tragic picture of a lot of homes.

Everyone knows the man's temper.

Everybody knows what subjects to avoid and what buttons not to push.

And everyone knows how to manage him.

But the fact that others have to learn to manage your irritation doesn't mean that you're leading very well.

It may mean that they have to learn to survive your moods.

See, love calls a man higher than that.

We need to do better than that, don't we?

A husband should want his wife to feel safe coming to him.

Not because he agrees with everything, not because everything is easy, but because she knows that he'll not humiliate her and dismiss her or explode at her and punish her with coldness.

She shouldn't have to study his mood like storm clouds coming before she can speak.

You see, this is part of nourishing and cherishing that Ephesians 5 talks about.

It says that no man ever yet hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, even as the Lord, the Church, or the called out.

Nourishing and cherishing require more than provision.

It requires tenderness.

A man can't nourish with arrogance, and he can't nourish with by having an irritable attitude.

Imagine trying to water a garden with a fire hose.

You know, water's good, but not under that kind of violent pressure.

It destroys what it should be nourishing.

And so, in the same way, a man has to have true things to say, necessary things to address.

But do it not with harsh pressure, because doing it with harsh pressure can damage the very relationship you're trying to improve.

Love considers not only what's said, but how it's said.

Colossians, chapter four, six, I believe it is, speaks of not just what we say, but how we say it.

And Proverbs says a word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pictures of silver.

You see, the right word is in the right way at the right time.

That's a beautiful thing.

But the right word in the wrong spirit can become a sword.

This does not mean that love avoids hard conversations.

Like we've said before, Christlike love is not cowardly.

But it does mean that love refuses arrogance in the hard conversations, and it refuses to be irritable during some stressful conversations.

So let's try to bring this home.

I know our time is up and I trust you.

Have a good day, a pleasant week, and we will return to this some more.