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When Your Strength Becomes Your Struggle: The Hidden Leadership Paradox
Episode 479th June 2026 • Unleash Your Freedom • Dawn E & Giorgia G
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Have you ever worked so hard to be reliable that you felt guilty taking a break? Or been known as the strong one, only to realize you never ask for support when you need it?

That's the leadership paradox: the qualities that made us successful can become our biggest obstacles.

  • Being disciplined can turn into rigidity.
  • Being reliable can turn into perfectionism.
  • Being strong can make it hard to ask for support.

And before you know it, the very traits that got you where you are start creating stress, burnout, and relationship problems.

The tricky part is that these patterns often feel normal because they've been with us for years. They can even look like strengths from the outside. But underneath, they may be driven by old stories about who we need to be in order to feel accepted, valued, or safe.

In this episode, you'll discover why your greatest strengths can sometimes become your biggest limitations and how to keep the strengths without getting trapped by them. Let's dive in!

Here's an "In This Episode" section that follows the flow of the conversation and teases each topic rather than summarizing it.

IN THIS EPISODE

  • Why some of the qualities that make you successful can also be the very things creating stress, conflict, and frustration in your life.
  • The hidden downside of being known as "the reliable one" - and why a single mistake can feel much bigger than it actually is.
  • How attention to detail can quietly turn into perfectionism, self-judgment, and the fear of letting people down.
  • The surprising connection between childhood experiences and the standards we hold ourselves to as adults.
  • A different way to think about mistakes - and how one simple shift could change the way you respond to failure.
  • How even positive labels can become cages that are exhausting to live inside.
  • What happens when discipline becomes so extreme that rest, fun, and self-care start to feel wrong.
  • Why balance isn't about becoming less successful - it's about making sure success isn't costing you your health or relationships.
  • The question to ask when you find yourself overreacting, getting defensive, or feeling unusually triggered.
  • The mindset shift that allows you to keep your ambition, discipline, and drive without becoming trapped by them.

RESOURCES

  1. DM us TRAINING on Instagram to join the leadership training and transform your life in 90 days: https://www.instagram.com/freedomwithgiorgiaandawn

Transcripts

Giorgia:

Hello and welcome to another episode, and today

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we have a question for you.

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When do your leadership

strengths become your weaknesses?

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This question was inspired by an episode

that happened in our team a few days ago.

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As you know, if you've been following

us for a while, me, Dawn, and our friend

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Abi, we have a leadership company and

there is so much that goes on behind the

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scenes and so many things that we need to

arrange and create, and it's so exciting.

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And at the same time, there are

times when things don't go to plan.

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There are mistakes that are other things

to fix, and when you think about the

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traits that make a leader successful,

which is the discipline is being reliable

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and having all the answers, the staying

strong under pressure and all of that

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comes with a certain amount of rigidity.

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We know that being disciplined

is a key trait of success.

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And so when you start adopting

this mindset because I am doing all

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of these things and I am being so

disciplined, I'm being so focused on

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this area, there's an assumption that

everyone should be like that as well.

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And so when someone is not for

whatever reason, well let's say it

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creates some conflict, right, Dawn?

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Dawn: Yeah, for sure.

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Giorgia: And so this episode we

really wanted to share our experience.

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At the same time, we also wanted to

discuss with you when is this discipline

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rigidity, which in some areas they

work so well because they support us in

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being in integrity and in keeping our

words and giving the best service of our

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clients can also at the same time, become

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a weakness because it removes empathy

or understanding for the situation.

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'cause we are so much in your mental,

in your nerds as we call them.

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i feel triggered in this moment.

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'Cause we all have those episodes.

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So can you share more about

your experienceand what

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happened in that meeting Dawn?

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Dawn: Yeah, absolutely.

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So one thing I wanted to share

just before I go into that is so

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many people will share with me,

oh my gosh, you were so strong.

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You just literally can

get through any storm.

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Or I'm the person who

supposedly has all the answers.

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I have one friend and I laugh

every time she says it, that says,

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I know one more than the devil.

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I'm like, what does that even mean?

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At the same time, we know the

devil knows a lot, So obviously

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she thinks I know a lot.

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And another thing is a lot of

people gimme credit for that

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I don't miss the details.

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And this is one thing that really

has come to light since being in

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leadership, that people are like,

wow, you're so detail oriented.

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Like you don't miss the details.

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How?

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How is that even possible?

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And then I reflect back on

my life at like, oh yeah.

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I seem to have been really good with

details my whole life, and so this is

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what caused our situation this week

was I actually missed a key detail and

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immediately I went into frustration.

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I went into guilt.

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I went into shame because that's

just quote unquote, not me.

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I'm the person who you can rely on to

have all of the details, and another

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person on our team usually misses

the details, and so I noticed that

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she had missed the detail prior to

us coming into the meeting, and so I

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was like, okay, I'm feeling a little

frustrated because this is a pattern.

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And then I was called forward for

missing a detail and immediately

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was like, oh shit, I screwed up.

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And it really isn't a screw up.

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It's the fact of the way

that I view myself and the

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way other people view me is.

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I don't miss details, and so I've created

this story around myself, which has led

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to this rigidity, which has led to this

perfectionism around not missing details.

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And so when a slipup happens, when a

mistake happens, when I miss a detail.

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I take it personally and I'm

like, oh my gosh, this person

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can't depend on me ever again.

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I go to worst case scenario that I

miss one thing and now this person

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is like screw Dawn I'm never gonna

trust her again with details.

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And it's a really hard,

heavy feeling to carry.

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And so that's what we mean when we say,

where does leadership and being in your

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power stop and the rigidity and being

in powerlessness and victim begin?

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Giorgia: Because your attention detail

is such an asset to our team and so many

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things would fall through the cracks

if it weren't for you and to me it's

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interesting what you were saying about,

in your brain, you went to I screwed up.

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Many people may forget the detail

and not really think to us about

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it, or maybe they may reflect a bit,

okay, I forgot something important.

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Let me actually see what, went wrong.

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Your brain goes into, I screwed up.

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So it's not I made a

mistake like, ha, , it's me.

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There's something

fundamentally wrong with me.

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Dawn: Absolutely.

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Giorgia: And so can you share

with us, where did you learn that?

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'cause it's when something is

this triggering, it's usually

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goes back to our childhood, right?

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Dawn: Yeah.

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So what I believe , again, we can go

back to leadership and even research

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shows this, that our personality is

defined by the time we're eight years old

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now we're able to shift our responses.

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We're able to Understand where

something comes from and how

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to navigate it differently.

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At the same time, fundamentally,

we typically go back to

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a specific way of being.

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And for me, I feel like I

was held to this really high

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standard compared to my siblings.

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Not to say that they weren't, I

don't know, because this is my

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experience and they may have felt

the exact same experience as I did.

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Yet, for me, if I missed

something, I was chastised.

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I was, what are you doing young lady?

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You missed this.

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And I'll admit, I didn't have a

whole lot of common sense growing up.

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And so even though I didn't miss details

for school and I didn't miss details

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for cleaning the house and things

like that, I might've missed details

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that were common sense details that

were really important to my family.

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And yet for me, as you said, for other

people, it might not have been a big deal.

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And I think because of the constant,

what I felt was constant, badgering

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and you are not good enough, and

how could you miss this thing?

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And how stupid are you to not see this,

that that's where that came from, and

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even though it didn't come from you or

Abi in a place of blame or shame or anger

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or frustration, immediately I felt like

that little five, 6-year-old girl who

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needed to defend who was like I, just

forgot, like why is it that big of a deal?

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And understanding that as leaders, we do

get to what we call clear a breakdown when

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we haven't kept our word with something

and so I truly believe that reaction

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was little Dawn thinking, my parents

just told me I did something wrong.

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Again.

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I forgot something again.

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I'm not good enough.

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And that's where in my brain

I go to, I'm a screw up.

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Even though I have a lot of

evidence, a lot that says I

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am really good with details.

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I rarely forget things.

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Even with people's

names or people's faces.

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I can go back to when I was,

managing a dance studio and a

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young lady came in and I was like,

Hey, what school did you go to?

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And she was talking about

her high school and college.

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And I said, no elementary school.

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And she told me the same one I went to.

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And I said, oh, were you in Mrs.

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Ross's third grade class?

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And she is like, yes.

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And I'm like, we sat next to each

other And this was 20 years later

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that I remembered this girl's face and

remembered her name and everything.

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That is attention to detail and

something that was ingrained

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in me from a very young age.

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So when I miss something and

I'm like, holy crap, I missed it.

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It fundamentally in this moment, up

until now causes this I feel so defeated.

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How could I have missed that?

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Giorgia: Oh, thank you

for sharing that with us.

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And what I hear you say is that as

a child, you didn't feel safe if you

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missed a detail or didn't have an answer.

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And that's how our brains work.

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When we are really young and something,

an event or a phrase is repeated often

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enough, our brain takes that as truth.

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And so it programs that way.

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So if as a child.

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You are told that if you miss detail,

you're stupid, your brain will go

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"missing detail is stupid," and you will

carry that on for your entire life until

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you're able to make a conscious and

work with someone to reframe the pattern

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because your brain in this situation.

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When you were a young child,

you just made an honest mistake.

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Again, there were consequences

and you don't want this to

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experience those consequences.

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So your brain has created this, okay,

as long as I have the details, as

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long as I am disciplined, as long as I

know all the answers, then I am safe.

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And this way of thinking it

has supported you to achieve

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incredible things in your life.

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At the same time, there are moments

when it doesn't serve you at all.

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And even though intellectually

we know it, to actually stop

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the behavior is incredibly hard.

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Right.

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Becomes a cage.

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Dawn: Absolutely.

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And one thing I want to share is as

adults we can choose to remember.

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A child doesn't have the

same mentality that we do.

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We are learning as children and we go

along and we follow the lead of the

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adults around us and even our siblings

if we have older siblings like I do.

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And therefore, there gets to be some

grace with a child that a child is

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not going to understand something

immediately until they are taught it.

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And this can happen anywhere in our

lives because there are times we

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are beginners at lots of things.

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take the example of when

you started to walk.

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If you gave up the first time you

fell, or the second time or the 10th

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time, you wouldn't be walking today.

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Your parent did not chastise

you when you fell down.

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They're like, oh, great job.

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Do it again.

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And you keep going.

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If we were to shift that with every

single so-called mistake, a child

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or a person makes, okay, you made a

mistake, fail forward, do it again.

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How can you get better?

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How can you get stronger?

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We can completely shift the way children

show up and grow up to become adults.

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And I think that's something that's

really important to reflect upon

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because I only had this thought

recently, and I'm sure there are

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times in my life that it has come up.

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At the same time.

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I can say when I was doing my master's was

the first time I reflected on Wait, There

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lot of people who don't learn the way that

I do, I already had four degrees before I

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did that one, and so to think that person

is stupid because they don't learn the

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same way I do is like saying that a fish

is stupid because he can't climb a tree.

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That's the dumbest thing to think of, to

compare us based off of our intelligence

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on what we can do or what we can achieve

when we all have different gifts and we

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all have different ways that we excel.

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Some people excel in many areas of

life, and some people excel in very

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pinpointed areas of their life.

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Yet we all have gifts that we were given.

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It's how do we get to acknowledge those

gifts and cultivate those gifts and do

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our best to remove the stories that we

were told that this isn't good enough.

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You're ignorant, you were stupid.

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How could you miss this?

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And the judgment that we get and that

we hold onto because we supposedly

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did something that someone else

thought you should know this.

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And again, when we go back to

a child who is just learning, a

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child doesn't know a whole lot.

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They learn by doing.

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They learn by seeing and

repeating and being taught.

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Whereas as adults, we may already

know a lot, and at the same time,

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we still are in a learning phase.

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Our entire lives are about learning.

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So who am I?

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To sit there and tell

somebody, well, you suck.

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You're not smart enough because

you didn't know X, Y, and Z.

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When that just may not be

that person's strength.

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Giorgia: Absolutely.

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And when we say it to a child,

you're stupid or we punish them

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in a way that is disproportionate

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to what they have done.

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Even though as a parent you

may have the best intention

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because, some people believe the

punishment builds character, right?

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Dawn: Yeah.

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Giorgia: And that if you're not

punished, you won't learn the lesson.

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And I'm not saying that a child

should never be corrected.

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But when you insult a child,

or when the punishment is

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disproportionate to the offense

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then what happens to that child, which is

still so young, they still don't have the

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critical thinking skills to separate who

they are from the action they have done

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or even to understand if the punishment

is indeed a proportionate or not.

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Then what happens is

that take it personally.

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What happens is your

brain doesn't create this.

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Mechanism, this safety mechanism

just to keep you safe from, being

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shouted at it creates because in

the moment when you're shouted at or

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you're punished, you wonder, oh my

God, there's something wrong with me.

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There is something wrong with me.

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I want to be loved what if my

parents won't, love me anymore?

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I know that as an Italian that grew up in,

the eighties in Italy, back then it was

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very common for parents to tell children,

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if you keep misbehaving, I'll

send you to boarding school.

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I know that in some countries,

like in the UK it's like a badge

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of honor to go to boarding school.

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Dawn: Mm-hmm.

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Giorgia: In Italy, which

is very family centric.

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It's literally the worst

thing you can say to a child.

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It's basically saying, I don't

want you, I don't like you.

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Just give you away.

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And then again you start

thinking, you start being afraid.

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Oh my God, I won't be loved.

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Oh my God, my parents, the people

that are supposed to love me

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the most, they don't want me.

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I am so faulty and I am

going to overcompensate.

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And that just builds and

builds and build this cage.

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Right,

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Dawn: exactly.

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And one thing I would also like to

say is I have a dear friend, one of

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my longest friends in life, and I

remember when she had her two children.

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And I used to babysit them.

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So I'm Auntie Dawn to them, and I

remember one day her telling me,

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we don't ever tell our child he's

bad or that we disapprove of him.

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We focus on the behavior, and I think

it's really important that we do focus

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on the behavior versus that person

because when we say you are something.

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We are defining that human being as

whatever it is we are saying they are.

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So when someone says, oh,

you are the strong one.

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Well, that's a great compliment.

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And at the same time it's a lot of weight

to carry because then that person always

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feels that they have to be the strong one.

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And it's not necessarily the case.

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It just means you show up with a lot

of power, with a lot of strength,

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with a lot of fortitude, that you are

able to navigate things in life at

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a different way that other people,

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that they've known and have

experienced, haven't been able to.

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And so it's not just towards

children, it's also to any human

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being focusing on the behavior.

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And instead of focusing on the verb to

be using some different verb to define

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how you see that person showing up or

even saying, my experience of you is,

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Instead of you are, because that also

cages a person into that way of being.

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When we go back to the quote

unquote negative things.

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You are stupid.

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you are, for example, some

people might say you are ugly.

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Well, ugly can also be a way of being like

our personality, how we show up, that we

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don't show up with kindness and generosity

and love to another person that's

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considered an ugly way of being that

takes on that person's personality instead

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of, your behavior is not very kind.

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it comes across as very ugly.

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it completely shifts the

narrative to support that

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person as they continue to grow.

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And the thing is, the cost of

these cages that we carry for,

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in reference to me saying, I'm

the one who has all the details.

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I'm the one who has all the answers.

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I'm the one who's always the strong one.

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Exhaustion, resentment, loneliness, people

thinking that I don't need support, never

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offering it, because I'm the strong one.

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It also causes an inability

for me to receive it.

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Up until now, there's a lot of times

that the relationships feel one sided

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like that i'm giving a whole lot more

than somebody else because people

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think I don't want support, I don't

want, connection and it's not true.

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I know that when I first moved to Italy

and for the first couple of years.

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I had severe respiratory issues, and

for those people who follow Chinese

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medicine, the lungs are connected

to grief and sadness and loss.

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And I couldn't figure out, other

than it was the first time I was

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living overseas, after my father had

passed away, what was causing this

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significant response in my body.

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And when I returned to the US for the

first time, it was like a light bulb.

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I felt living in this country

that I was dead to everyone

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unless I reached out to them.

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No one reached out to me.

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I felt like I didn't exist to anybody

anymore, like I didn't matter.

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And that was so heart wrenching on a

subconscious level, and my body was

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figuring out how do I process this?

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And also because I'd lived overseas

for so many years before having

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been in the military, and my main

connection was always my father.

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I connected with him almost every

day and to not have him around

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and him be the main source.

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When I lived overseas was also this

like, ah, how do I get through this?

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How do I navigate this?

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And once I was able to

identify that, I felt dead.

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I felt dismissed.

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I felt forgotten.

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I was able to share this with my

friends and my family and that

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supported them to say, oh, okay.

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I get to reach out to Dawn, not

just Dawn reaching out to me.

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She matters to me.

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I want her to know she matters to me.

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And that really shifted.

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There are still times that, there's

not a lot of connection between

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my family and me, mostly because

of the time difference and jobs.

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At the same time, we do our best to

connect when we do have that time

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and that is something I appreciate

so much now because I used my voice

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and I shared that with my family,

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Giorgia: that's amazing that

you were able to do that.

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Because again, before we make these

patterns unconscious, we don't even

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know what to say that would support to

request and as you were sharing, I was

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also thinking of a person, a student,

that we recently coached because some of

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these traits, again, they are strengths.

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Even if they come from childhood

trauma, to be strong, to pay attention

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to detail, to be disciplined.

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someone may listen and be like, well,

I don't see anything wrong with that

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and maybe I may not resonate so much

with, And again I'm not connecting

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with the prices that I'm paying.

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And so we are not saying that these traits

are bad, we are saying we need balance.

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That's why I was thinking of, a

student we coached recently who has

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this idea that as a successful person

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you need to be extremely disciplined,

extremely focused, and any time

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for self care, you're just taking

the time to go for a walk or

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taking the time to watch a TV show.

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She felt so much guilt because

that's not how a successful

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person behaves in her mind.

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And so when we focus so much

on just one or two traits and

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we make everything else wrong.

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Then again, it's another way where the

prices we pay for this cage is in the

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case of our student, her business was

starting to show in the cracks because

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their physical body was starting to not

being able to keep up with the demands and

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the constant working, working, working,

which was also putting too much overload

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on her brain because our brain like

our muscles, it needs rest, relaxation.

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Otherwise, you cannot make those

decisions that propel you forward.

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Just keep making mistake

after mistake after mistake.

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And so really it is about finding

that balance between, yes, I

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am strong, I am disciplined.

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if you wanna use a language, like

you can still say, I have discipline,

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I have strength, and I'm gonna use

them when it makes sense to use them.

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I'm gonna switch to a different way

of being that actually makes more

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sense to do something different

so that I have that balance.

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Dawn: Absolutely.

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Because the thing is, when we don't

have that balance, what ultimately

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happens is we create burnout and we

continue to carry this story with us.

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And again, I go back to the word heavy.

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Imagine how many of us feel like

we have the weight of the world

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on our shoulders, and we're

carrying this around all the time.

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How do we get to balance that?

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How do we get to let some of that weight

go and just flow and the more we lean into

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what we consider a strength in reality,

it can cause a lot of weakness because

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then we're not developing in other areas.

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An example would be vulnerability,

asking for support, creating boundaries,

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admitting that we have limitations.

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No one is perfect, and this is the thing

that I was sharing with Giorgia and

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Abi, was that I have this, even though

I know consciously no one is perfect.

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I have this drive to not miss

details, to be perfect with it

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all the time because there is this

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little voice in the back of my head,

tiny, tiny one that says, if you

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miss that detail, you're not perfect.

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Even though I know I'm not perfect.

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Yet, there was quote unquote punishment

when a detail was missed as a child,

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and I don't like to be punished.

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I don't think anybody

likes to be punished.

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And so what we get to do with

that is we get to break free from

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those chains from that cage and

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do it without losing ourselves.

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As Giorgia said, we don't have

to say, I'm not a strong person,

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or I don't have strength.

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I'm not a disciplined person, or

I'm, I have discipline, right?

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Choosing that I can have this balance.

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It doesn't have to be either or.

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You can be strong and vulnerable.

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You can be reliable and not perfect.

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You can be competent and also

say, I want someone to support me.

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And I think that that brings us into

our power and that's the beauty of it.

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Giorgia: And also, I'll say part

of breaking free is doing the inner

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work yourself to start understanding

where this patterns is coming from.

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I am so grateful that all three

of us, me, you and Abi, we have

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developed thanks to our training, this

emotional intelligence that we can

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actually have these conversations.

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'cause one example is because you are

so diligent with details what happens

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when someone else is not, you sometimes

apply the same rigidity to someone else.

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That's true.

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And if the other person doesn't

understand your story, doesn't

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understand where that behavior is coming

from, that can ruin a relationship

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as you go, oh my God, she attacked

me again and it was not an attack.

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When we are still unconscious, not as

emotionally intelligent, 'cause we haven't

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brought this pattern to the surface.

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We take everything as an affront.

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As an insult.

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Yeah, as an attack.

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And so we could give you so many

tips to start freeing yourself

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from this cage you created.

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It really all starts with a

willingness to do this work, to

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look at why you are the way you are.

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So you can start shifting things

and also communicating that to other

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people so that when you explode for

something that everyone else thinks

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it's minimal, and we've all done this.

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You've seen me, Dawn, explode for things

that are like, why is she being like that?

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It makes no sense.

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Yep.

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And because other people, they

understand where that is coming from

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and they can give you grace and it

just changes the conversation because

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instead of just having an argument

about who is right, who is wrong, just

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like, oh, okay, 6-year-old Giorgia.

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6-year-old Dawn, have come to the party.

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Let's see how to handle that.

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Yeah.

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So that we can reassure everyone that

no one is in danger that we are not back

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in our childhood, that this is a safe

environment and then we can move on.

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And so having people, other leaders

around that are doing this work

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with you, it's been a game changer.

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Dawn: Absolutely.

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Giorgia.

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And that is one thing that I can say

is such a strength, for sure with you,

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Giorgia, is that you can see when there is

an overreaction and you're like, this is

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not a normal reaction to this situation.

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What is underneath it?

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And Believe that you pick up

on these things so much more

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easily than I do, and even Abi.

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And I think a lot of that has to

do with your supportive nature.

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That's my assessment, my experience.

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I don't know if there's validity to that.

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And what I also notice is that

since having done leadership, when

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I have blowups, when I feel like

I'm in that fear, I get to escape.

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I'm the little animal that's stuck in

the corner that feels afraid and just

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:

wants to attack that, that, stimulation

with my nervous system gets calmed so

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much more quickly than in the past.

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In the past that I experienced something

like this, it could probably be weeks

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before I would even speak to that person

again or act like it never happened.

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Not even have a conversation with

them to be like, Hey, I apologize,

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or This is where this came from.

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Nothing.

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Just like that.

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Let's sweep that under

the rug and move forward.

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And now with having the foundation of

leadership, the foundation of emotional

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:

intelligence, I notice that when I

have situations I notice since I've

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met you up until now, same thing.

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We have the tendency to clear

so much more quickly and get

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through it so much more quickly.

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And this is where Giorgia and I

would Absolutely encourage anyone

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to take a look at what being

in a leadership container is.

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We offer this with legacy vision

leadership, where we have a

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four month training program,

and you get to get the support.

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You get to learn where your

stories came from, and you get to

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learn how to break through them.

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You get to learn how to respond

differently versus react, because I'll

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tell you before leadership, I would say

90% of the time I would react if not.

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A hundred percent.

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There wasn't a lot of response

when it came from me, when I felt

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triggered, when I felt attacked,

when I felt like my integrity was

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in question, and now I can see,

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okay a lot of that has shifted.

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And when I do still go into reaction

phase, it lasts significantly shorter

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and I'm able to break through and figure

out where the heck did this come from.

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Because it's so true that when we

have this explosive reaction or even

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just a big reaction to something that

doesn't seem like it, quote unquote,

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should be that kind of reaction.

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It comes from something

usually in our childhood.

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Giorgia: Absolutely.

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I have the same experience and

that's what I often tell to

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the performance I achievers.

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'cause there is a real fear that if I stop

focusing on the successful traits, then I

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will be weak and I won't achieve anything.

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And the irony here is that the very

thing that creates your success

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is also the very thing is destroying your

health, your feeling, your relationship,

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:

and it's not about an either or.

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It's not about stopping those behaviors

or being those traits that make you

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successful and are still making you

successful is again, balancing them out.

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So when it's time to achieve your

goal, you bring that, discipline

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:

and you bring that focus and you

bring the attention to detail.

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And then when it's time to just be

with your family, when it's time to

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be with your friend, when it's time

to relax, then you bring out the fun

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:

and the passion and the relaxation.

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And so it doesn't have to be success

or relationship, success or health.

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You can balance it so that

you can have everything.

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And this work is really the

foundation to actually have that

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success in every area of your life.

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Dawn: Absolutely Giorgia, and

again, I go back to if you

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would like support with this.

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If you're listening to this and

something is resonating with you,

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something is landing for you, reach out

to me and Giorgia DM us on Instagram.

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We have the link on how to get

in touch with us and let us know.

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We are here to support you.

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If you want individual coaching, if

you want to get more information about

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our leadership center, we are here.

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