What are the conversation patterns in your relationship? Do you tend to leave a lot of space for silence, or talk fast and interrupt each other a lot? Does that differ from how it was in your family growing up? Is there an imbalance, with one person doing a lot more of the interrupting and talking over?

…and is it a problem?

Today’s question asker might be wishing that their partner interrupted them less, but that’s not true for everyone. Whether or not you do this has a lot to do with where you’re from, your family dynamics and even your neurology. In lots of cultures, interrupting is a sign of excitement and showing that you’re engaged, but for others, it can feel rude, dominating, and derailing. It could even be different for the same person in different situations.

If you take anything from today’s episode, we hope it’s this: celebrate your diversity, whether it’s cultural, neurological, or anything else. We’re all going to do things a little bit different, and that’s ok! Take it as a chance to get curious about what’s going on in your partner’s brain, and to share what’s in yours. We bet you’ll be glad that you did.

Quotes:

“there's tons and tons of gifts in fast processing and there's tons and tons of gifts in slower processing speeds…it has nothing to do with intelligence.”

“Maybe there’s no such thing as neurotypical.”

“We don’t have to let differences drive us a part, we can meet each other through them.”

This episode is brought to you by our amazing sponsor, The Academy of Therapy Wisdom. Jules is one of their many educators, and because you listen to us, the Therapy Wisdom team is offering a secret code to give you free access to one of Jules' 1 hour Wise Conversations. Just visit therapywisdom.com and use the discount code "WDMP."

Jules' new book is out now! Buy Setting Boundaries that Stick: How Neurobiology Can Help You Rewire Your Brain to Feel Safe, Connected, and Empowered wherever books are sold.

Share your questions with us at whydoesmypartner.com/contact

If you want to dive in deeper, consider attending our upcoming workshops. Learn more at whydoesmypartner.com/events

Welcome to the Why Does My Partner podcast.

2

I'm Jules.

3

I'm Vicki.

4

And I'm Rebecca.

5

We're your hosts.

6

We're also couples therapists

and messy humans bumbling

7

through our own relationships

8

Vickey: every day.

9

We met at a training and our secret

sauce is that we and our partners became

10

fast friends between us We have more

than 40 years of experience holding hard

11

relational questions with our clients

We're going to bring those questions here

12

Jules: and together.

13

We're gonna take a stab at answering those

questions This podcast is not a substitute

14

for couples therapy If something you

15

Vickey: hear in this

16

Jules: podcast stirs something deep

within you about your relationship Reach

17

out to a couples therapist in your area

18

Rebecca: We also love to hear

your questions, so don't forget

19

to go over to whydoesmypartner.

20

com to leave a question of your own.

21

Here's today's

22

Vickey: question.

23

Welcome back.

24

This

25

Rebecca: is Jules.

26

This is Vicki.

27

And this is Rebecca.

28

And today's question, why

does my partner interrupt me?

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Vickey: Your partner's name is Jules.

30

I was like, is Adam actually

sending this question?

31

Because the answer I love

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Jules: is, I cannot seem to stop

myself and also deeply enjoy it.

33

And if only you would

interrupt me more too.

34

I love it.

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I actually, you know, you know what it is,

is I love like the intellectual bantery.

36

Like some of this is, uh, why do I

fit in on the East Coast so well?

37

So I'm not from anywhere, really.

38

I moved a ton as a kid.

39

I have a lot of different,

um, history living in lots of

40

different parts of the country.

41

But for a while I lived in

New York City and I loved

42

Vickey: it because people talk over

each other when they're excited.

43

And I was like, finally,

my people, you get me.

44

Rebecca: It's the thing though, right?

45

It's like, I got energy about this thing.

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Vickey: Yeah.

47

And then I have energy too.

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And then, and then you

interrupt me right back.

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And it's like, okay, so

it's totally possible.

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And this has actually been

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Jules: studied where you get different

cadences in different parts of the

52

world in different, uh, context.

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Right?

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So different.

55

Yeah.

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Rebecca: I'm like, can we go

into the different voices also?

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During this.

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That makes sense,

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Jules: darling.

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If you need me to do a different

voice, I can do that for you.

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Vickey: Now, don't you get me started now.

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I got a lot of different.

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People in my

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Jules: family from a lot of

different places in the world.

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Vickey: And so I got just

a, I got a lot of history.

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Different.

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Rebecca: Yes.

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But so cadence shows up in a

lot of different ways, right?

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Like we can draw things

out while we're talking.

70

And then, and there's some

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Jules: natural like pause, right?

72

Yeah.

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So like for people on the West coast or

in the States, for example, there's a more

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natural pause between ends of sentences.

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We're on the east coast.

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This has

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Vickey: actually been studied.

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I know.

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You've told me that.

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I still remember it.

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And I grew up in California.

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Jules: The natural pace of, uh, of that

California, you know, Washington state

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has a little bit of a slower pace in

talking, but also a little bit of a

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slower pace in like that moment between

when somebody stops talking and the

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next person talks could be three to

five seconds, which for me is an ocean

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Vickey: of time.

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It's forever.

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It's forever.

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It's like, dude, why didn't you

come in while I was still talking?

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Because that's

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Rebecca: really the only way

to do it, because then you know

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that there's like a flow inside.

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This is what we're talking

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Vickey: about.

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Right?

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Yes.

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You know, I do want to, it's

funny because no one would know

98

this because it was behind the

scenes, but from before our first.

99

Jules, not begged me, but asked me

and Becca, you too, but she asked,

100

you guys need to interrupt me.

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Yeah.

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Jules has been telling us this

behind the scenes since day one,

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and I didn't know that it was.

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It's

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Rebecca: been a very

explicit contract between us.

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It's been a very explicit contract, right?

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Jules: Yeah, I want you

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Rebecca: to, but also I think part

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Vickey: of this contract with

my husband, he doesn't like it.

110

Rebecca: But I think part of it

too has to do with not just cadence

111

of speech, but cadence of thought.

112

Right.

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And it's like, Jules, the more I get to

know you, the more I witness how quickly

114

your brain works and moves from here

to there, to there, to there, to there.

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And my brain has done stuff like that.

116

Throughout my life, and, uh,

people who are close to me

117

have called it the Becca Train.

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Right?

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So you can either hop on the Beca train

or not hop on the Beca train, but the

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Beca train is probably going to take you

to seven different places before we land,

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before we get to wherever we're going.

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Yeah.

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Oh, okay.

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Vickey: I, yeah.

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Like I can be tangential.

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I'll go on all those separate things.

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Rebecca: It's really tangential,

but it's also kind of quick and

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it doesn't really slow down.

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Right?

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And so I'll go from here to

there, to there, to there,

131

to there, to there, to there.

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And if you don't have the

endurance to stay with me on

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that train, I can be exhausting.

134

But I'm not exhausting to Jules

and Jules is not exhausting to me.

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Right.

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But yeah, but also we have this agreement

around interrupting, which helps to pace

137

things so that we stay with each other.

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Jules: Well, the truth is people

have different brain speeds.

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So this is about how fast the

electricity is running in your brain.

140

And that's a DNA thing.

141

You're born with, uh, anywhere on

the spectrum from super fast to super

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slow and slow does not mean dumb.

143

Thank you.

144

I was just going to

say, this isn't like any

145

Vickey: kind of

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Rebecca: like, has nothing

to do with it, Mark.

147

It just means that we're

moving, that things are fast,

148

are wiring at different speeds.

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It's

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Jules: just, it's just how fast

the electricity is running.

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Cause mine is not this fast.

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Oh God, no.

153

At all.

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And that's fine.

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Vickey: So I can keep up with you guys,

but my brain doesn't do it the way

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Jules: yours does.

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Yeah, yeah, yeah, totally.

158

So the, so the, the, there's gifts,

there's tons and tons of gifts in fast

159

processing and there's tons and tons

of gifts in slower processing speeds.

160

Um, people who have slower processing

speeds usually come to really deep

161

synthesizing information by the time

their brain actually gets through

162

the, the data and can find things

and nuances that people who are

163

running fast miss all the time.

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So it, this has nothing

to do with intelligence.

165

at all.

166

If, however, you are a faster

partner with a slower partner, as

167

far as the electricity goes, right?

168

Um, you, the fast one can slow down.

169

The slow one cannot pick up.

170

It's not physically

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Rebecca: possible.

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It's just, it's just

not physically possible.

173

Yeah.

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It's

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Jules: just not possibly possible.

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So if my husband's electricity

runs a little bit slower than mine.

177

I can slow down, but he cannot speed up.

178

That's not, that's not physical.

179

So when I say slow down, I don't

actually mean that I'm slowing it down.

180

That's not what's happening.

181

What's happening.

182

So I can't change the electricity speed in

my brain anymore than he can in his brain.

183

But what is possible is that I could have

a thought, say it out loud and then stop.

184

And my thoughts are still

going, but I could stop

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Vickey: my mouth.

186

Jules: So it's not actually that I'm

slowing down the electricity in my brain,

187

it's more that I'm choosing to pause to

let the genius of his brain come in and

188

give more information that's his way.

189

Of thinking about the world, which

is totally different than my way.

190

And that's great.

191

So if you're the interrupting partner, I'm

calling myself out and in, in this moment.

192

Um, slow down.

193

Uh, especially if it's

driving your partner crazy.

194

Honey, I'm very sorry.

195

I really am working on it.

196

You'll have to let me know later

if it's getting any better.

197

I really am.

198

I am, I am consciously attempting to stop,

199

Vickey: but I think there's also,

200

Jules: so we have, we have

cadence of speed of thought.

201

We have.

202

Cadence in terms of like, where were

you, were you in more of a collectivist

203

space growing up, were you in a

really individualist space growing up?

204

What areas of the country

have you lived in?

205

What areas of the world have you lived in?

206

All this is going to be part of it.

207

Um, so you've got processing

speed differences.

208

You've got people who interrupt

because of excitement.

209

They're not interrupting because

they want to talk over you.

210

They're interrupting you to share

and delight in what you're saying.

211

And that's the way they're expressing it.

212

And of course you've got the

people who just want their way.

213

And so some of them are erupting you

because they don't want to hear you.

214

Rebecca: And there's also folks who

are interrupting because they're

215

afraid of forgetting the thing, right?

216

Like they don't trust themselves

to talk about the memory.

217

The piece of like holding on to this idea.

218

I don't.

219

Yeah.

220

Right.

221

Jules: Um, yeah.

222

So neurodivergence is where we're going in

to, we're kind of walking into that world.

223

So for those who maybe you have ADHD and

your working memory actually is not that

224

great and you cannot depend on it to

hold the thought for five more seconds.

225

If you held the thought for

five more seconds, it gone.

226

That's actually.

227

Definitely something I experienced

inside is that my working memory

228

actually isn't good enough to keep

the thought I have to write it down.

229

If I'm going to remember to swing

back and then half the time, I

230

don't know what my note means.

231

Rebecca: I've seen you do that.

232

I've seen you write it down.

233

I don't know what this was.

234

I have to write it down with cues for

myself so that I have an understanding

235

of what direction I was moving in.

236

Because if I don't do

that, then I lose it.

237

But if I take the time to do

that, I've lost the conversation

238

where the other person's talking.

239

I can't do both.

240

Vickey: Yeah.

241

Yeah.

242

Rebecca: So it's like if I'm

going to pause to take a note, I

243

actually need you to pause with me.

244

Vickey: Yeah, totally, because I can't,

I can't actually do the note and hear

245

Rebecca: you.

246

Right, I can't, I can't do both, but

then like in my relationship, if my

247

partner has to pause so I can write

something down, he loses it too, and

248

he doesn't necessarily write it down.

249

So then we get in, like, it, you

know, it's like, I think, here's the

250

thing that I'm thinking a lot about.

251

I'm thinking about how much,

so many 40 and 50 somethings.

252

30, 40, 50 somethings are like

later in life getting diagnosed with

253

different forms of neurodivergence.

254

Right.

255

It's like we're learning about

this stuff and it's almost like I'm

256

starting to think more and more.

257

The more of my friends I talk to, the

more like myself, there's more and

258

more of us that are seeing ourselves

somewhere on the spectrum and seeing

259

it in our kiddos and learning like, Oh,

there's different ways our brain works.

260

And it's almost like.

261

Well, maybe there's no

such thing as neurotypical.

262

Yeah,

263

Vickey: I was thinking that.

264

Maybe

265

Rebecca: there's no such thing

as neurotypical, but we haven't

266

really taken the time to figure out

like, Oh, how does my brain work?

267

Right?

268

And this is like such a big

part of being in relationship.

269

Because it's one of our, one of

the ways that we're probably going

270

to be different than each other.

271

Yeah,

272

Jules: I love that word.

273

You introduced me to Rebecca Neuro Spicy.

274

Yeah.

275

Like which version of Neuro Spicy are

276

Vickey: you?

277

Yeah.

278

Jules: And it's probably not

the same as your partner.

279

Yeah.

280

And those differences

can lead to adaptations.

281

Mm hmm.

282

Of various kinds and interrupting

might be one of those.

283

Totally.

284

Including like, you know, I talked

about it on a podcast before.

285

I organize my pantry incredibly well.

286

It's because I cannot find it

unless it is in the right spot.

287

Have

288

Rebecca: we noticed my bookshelf?

289

Vickey: Your bookshelf is color

290

Rebecca: coded.

291

Yeah.

292

It's, it's, it's, it's like

color coordinated, right?

293

Why?

294

Do we want to know why?

295

Because I can

296

Vickey: remember.

297

You can locate anything.

298

Because you remember the books

by the color that they are.

299

I

300

Rebecca: don't remember what you said.

301

The color of their spine.

302

Of the

303

Vickey: binding.

304

Yeah.

305

The binding.

306

Rebecca: The binding.

307

Yeah.

308

That the binding doesn't

always match the actual

309

Jules: book.

310

See, I could never find any of the books.

311

See, we're neuro spicy in different ways.

312

Totally different.

313

Rebecca: Now, if we were

going to like share I could

314

never find any of those books.

315

Right.

316

If we were going to share

a space together, right?

317

And this is how I find books.

318

And you find books by, I don't

know, the piles that you keep

319

them in or something like that.

320

Right.

321

I know.

322

Vickey: That's, that's why I'm The

323

Jules: piles that I keep them in.

324

The piles that you keep them in.

325

I just pointed my camera at

the piles that I keep them in.

326

Uh

327

Vickey: huh.

328

They are really

329

Rebecca: mild.

330

So now, your version and my

version, neither version is wrong.

331

They're different.

332

No.

333

But they're not wrong.

334

Vickey: they're related to each other.

335

Jules: Yeah.

336

So I know this.

337

Well, mine

338

Rebecca: is how they're related, too.

339

Like, those are the red ones.

340

And those are the yellow ones.

341

Oh,

342

Vickey: but not by, like,

343

Jules: subject

344

Vickey: matter.

345

No.

346

Yeah.

347

No.

348

Amazing.

349

No.

350

Minor alphabetical order by

the title, I wish they had.

351

Oh my God.

352

That's brilliant.

353

Wait, wait, wait.

354

So

355

Rebecca: if you don't like the title,

you rename it and then you have to

356

remember that title, but it's not on

the book and you have to alphabetize

357

it by the one that you named

358

Vickey: it.

359

But what if you forget it?

360

And Gabe's head exploded

when I told him that.

361

I was like, are you kidding me?

362

I'm like, yes, because

I'll put a shout out.

363

My friend, Father Chris wrote a book

and I I think it's called The Way

364

of the Warrior Saint, but I think it

should be called Crucifixional Living

365

because that's what he talks about.

366

So it's understated for crucifixional,

but it's not called that.

367

That is amazing.

368

Rebecca: By the way.

369

It's hysterical.

370

Here we go.

371

I love you.

372

Jules: I love you.

373

I love you.

374

Totally.

375

Vickey: Another version of Neuro

376

Jules: Spicy right now.

377

Hello High Verbal Processor, who

does not forget words like that.

378

I knew exactly what that word meant.

379

This is what the title

of the book should be.

380

Hello High Verbal Processor, who would

never forget a concept like that.

381

Mm hmm.

382

Mm hmm.

383

Whereas that would make no sense

to me, and there's no way I could

384

remember that made up title twice.

385

I can't even remember the

386

Vickey: one that's written down twice.

387

I do remember the book had

this one metaphor that changed.

388

Rebecca: I need the color.

389

The color will make me, because I'm

a felt sense kind of person, and I

390

remember things like, well, it was red.

391

Or here's, here's, this is the thing.

392

I'm loving audio books lately.

393

Do you know why I'm loving

audio books so much?

394

Because I go, Oh, let's see, they were

talking about such and such when I was

395

walking by the tree on the road there with

the black acorns that fell in the ground.

396

That's how I remember details.

397

Jules: This is awesome.

398

It's amazing.

399

May I interrupt us?

400

Yeah.

401

Please interrupt us.

402

Speaking of an interruption.

403

Yeah.

404

Rebecca: Podcast.

405

This is how you go on a trail, though.

406

This is, now

407

Vickey: we're seeing.

408

We just

409

went

410

Jules: on a train.

411

We just went on a train.

412

Mm hmm.

413

So, so these are some of the reasons why,

but I think we've missed one of the big

414

ones and I want to make sure we hit it.

415

There could be history.

416

For your partner.

417

Mm hmm.

418

That makes it highly adaptive

for them to interrupt.

419

So it could be maybe they got

interrupted a lot or their house had

420

fast talkers in it or maybe they have

some pain around not feeling heard.

421

Mm hmm.

422

And so there's like a jump into

sharing my truth because I'm

423

afraid people won't hear it.

424

That's a possibility.

425

Rebecca: I'm also catching another

piece right now that I hadn't thought

426

about until it just played out with us.

427

Mm hmm.

428

We went on a train.

429

Yeah.

430

How did we

431

Vickey: get off the train?

432

Jules: Somebody

433

Rebecca: interrupted us.

434

And what did that interruption do?

435

It brought us where?

436

Back.

437

Back to the question.

438

Right.

439

How many?

440

Between the three of us.

441

We're doing this in our office every day.

442

We interrupt people we work with.

443

Yeah.

444

To bring them back to focus.

445

Why does my partner interrupt me?

446

It could be.

447

We lost focus.

448

To keep us on focus.

449

Jules: Yeah.

450

Well, that's interesting.

451

I'm actually really

interested in the thing.

452

So all of this is to say, I don't know

if you can catch this, listeners, but I

453

am thinking there's a thousand reasons.

454

Yeah.

455

Yeah.

456

Yeah.

457

Why your partner could be have an

interrupting habit and if you are curious

458

about it, you could one, uh, really do

whatever you need to do to take care of

459

yourself really well so you can show up in

curiosity and actually ask him about it.

460

The other thing that I'm thinking,

though, is if it's hard for you.

461

Um, to be interrupted if it feels for

you, if it's coded as rude or like you

462

don't matter or like they're undervaluing

you, then my hope is that you can share

463

that with your partner and they can move

into some deep empathy and compassion

464

for how whatever it is that's happening

in them is affecting you so that

465

you all can find probably imperfect.

466

Ways of, of making agreements that, that

probably, you know, especially if it's

467

a neurodivergence thing, or if it's like

a speed thing that is probably not going

468

to be perfect, but could get better.

469

Yeah.

470

Right.

471

So this feels like maybe a meta

conversation time or like a deeper

472

sharing, deeper vulnerability

conversation time of like, you

473

probably don't know this, but when this

happens, here's what it's like for me.

474

Vickey: I'm hoping the

partner can hear it.

475

Jules: Yeah.

476

Hopeful.

477

And if your partner is moving

into defensiveness, then we

478

can just be curious about that.

479

You know, when you do bring it up, like,

Oh, what's scary or hard about this, hon?

480

When I, when I talk about

how this lands for me.

481

What's scaring or hurting you right now?

482

Which is a great go

483

Rebecca: to question, by the way.

484

I love that.

485

I mean, I love the question, but I

also love using it in this way right

486

here because it's not leaving your

partner, it's staying with them.

487

Jules: Yeah, we don't have to let

these differences drive us apart.

488

We could actually meet

each other through them.

489

Yeah.

490

I love that.

491

Alright, good place to end us for today.

492

Vickey: Yeah.

493

Rebecca: Knock, knock.

494

Who's there?

495

The Interrupting Cow.

496

Jules: Interrupting Cow.

497

Vickey: I've heard that one,

it's one of my favorites.

498

Jules: Love that.

499

That's one of my kids favorite ones.

500

Vickey: Oh my goodness.

501

That was awesome.

502

On that note,

503

Jules: take care.

504

We'll see you all next time.

505

Vickey: That wraps

506

Jules: up this week's episode.

507

Join us again next week for another.

508

Why does my partner?

509

Rebecca: We hope that you continue

to listen wherever you get your

510

audio and that you'll follow the show

511

Vickey: to go deeper.

512

Join us at one of our workshops.

513

You'll find our next date

at white as my partner.

514

com.

515

Jules: Did you know you

can ask us your questions?

516

Your

517

Vickey: questions are relational gold.

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Rebecca: Go to whydoesmypartner.

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com to either write in or record your

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Vickey: question for a future episode.

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Jules: And here's some gratitudes.

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Thanks to Al Hoberman, our sound editor

and podcast production magic maker.

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Vickey: Thanks to every one of you who has

joined us for our workshops in the past.

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We've learned so much from

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Rebecca: all of you.

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And thanks to everyone who's

reviewed the show on Apple Podcasts.

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Your reviews help others to find the show.

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Vickey: Take care of

each other best you can.

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See you next time.

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Transcribed by https: otter.

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ai Mhm.