Strong teacher student relationships are the foundation of effective classroom management! In this episode, we share practical ways to build trust from the very beginning of the school year and explain why cooperation is more powerful than compliance. You'll walk away with simple strategies to build a positive classroom community that supports learning all year long!

Prefer to read? Grab the episode transcript and resources in the show notes here: https://www.secondstorywindow.net/podcast/teacher-student-relationships

Resources:

• Preorder our book Structure and Spark (and get bonuses!)
• The First Six Weeks of School book
• The Art of Gathering
• First Day Wish Gift
• Join The Teacher Approved Club
• Connect with us on Instagram @2ndstorywindow
• Shop our teacher-approved resources
• Join our Teacher Approved Facebook group
• Leave a review on Apple Podcasts!
• Leave a comment or rating on Spotify

Related Episodes to Enjoy:

• Episode 251. 5 Classroom Management Tricks That Do the Work for You
• Episode 177. Help Your Class Kick Bad Habits with These 5 Classroom Management Questions
• Episode 158. Back-to-School Classroom Management: Are You Working Smarter or Harder?
• Episode 143. The Easiest Back to School Tip
• Episode 154. 5 Steps for Classroom Procedure Success

Mentioned in this episode:

Join the Teacher Approved Club, where members get seasonal morning work pages for grades K–5 this month to add fall and holiday fun without throwing off their routines: https://secondstorywindow.net/club

This is episode 278 of Teacher Approved.

You're listening to Teacher Approved, the podcast helping

educators elevate what matters and simplify the rest. I'm

Heidi.

And I'm Emily. We're the creators behind Second Story

Window, where we give research-based and

teacher-approved strategies that make teaching less stressful and

more effective. You can check out the show notes and resources

from each episode at secondstorywindow.net.

We're so glad you're tuning in today. Let's get to

the show.

Hey there! Thanks for joining us today. In today's

episode, we are talking about how to make your classroom rules

even more effective, and we have a teacher-approved tip for

building positive relationships with parents.

But first, let's start with a try it tomorrow, where we

share a quick win that you can try in your classroom right

away. And if you aren't back in your classroom yet, make sure to

jot this down because you're going to want this tip handy

when you start back. So, Emily, what is our suggestion this

week?

Okay, so next time you give directions, or when you're

back in the classroom and you give directions, say the

student's name first instead of tacking it onto the end. So

instead of "line up at the door, Marcus," it's "Marcus line up at

the door." Putting the name up front means that their brain

picks up, Oh, you're talking to me, before the instruction

starts, instead of catching the tail end of it when they hear

their name.

That's such a small swap, but it's so worth it if it means

that students pay closer attention to what you're saying.

And isn't that the dream?

Yes.

If you like this idea or anything else we share here on

the podcast, would you take a second and give us a five-star

rating and a kind review? Ratings and reviews tell new

podcast listeners that our show is worth checking out, so

everyone really does help us out.

Okay, Heidi, let's talk about that feeling that every

teacher gets when they come back from a day out when the sub has

been there and there is a note, the note, waiting on their desk

for them.

Oh, you know the note. The one where the sub tells you

your class basically reenacted the third grade version of The

Lord of the Flies while you were gone.

And these are the same kids who lined up fine and

turned in their work two days earlier, and there were no

problems. But yesterday apparently was a whole different

story.

You know, the kids are the same, the expectations are

the same. So why did things fall apart yesterday? Well, of

course, it comes down to the lack of structure.

Ah, yes, because a sub's arrival brings a huge spike of

spark of novelty. Even the most routine procedure suddenly feels

new with a substitute. So structure is needed to balance

that spark.

Now, unfortunately, a substitute who is only with your

class for a single day has a difficult job. They don't know

your routines well enough to provide the same level of

structure that you do, and we will go into more detail about

this in a future episode.

But that is only half the story. The bigger thing that's

missing is you. One of the strongest sources of classroom

structure is your relationship with your students, and so it

walked out the door with you when you left.

Your students aren't just responding to your classroom

rules; they are responding to the person who's asking them to

follow those rules.

Yeah, so that's what we're getting into today. We're

talking all about why the relationship you build with your

students is more important than the rules you set.

Sounds like we're doing a hot take, but we're really not.

We are not anti-rule. If you have listened to us at all, you

know we are huge proponents of expectations. Kids need rules.

Rules create predictability and safety.

And that's why we as teachers spend hours planning

transitions and consequences before the year even starts. And

we should do that. It's important because those strong

procedures are the gears that keep your day running.

But in all of that procedure planning, it's really

easy to overlook the second part. How are you going to build

the relationships that make those procedures work?

there ways to get a kid to cooperate.

I've seen some teachers online recently talking about how they

are not interested in building a relationship with their

students, and then when they explain, it's clear they don't

mean they're ignoring the teacher-student relationship.

They're just not interested in being their students' friends.

Yeah, I've seen the same thing, and I was like, What are you

talking about? And we are not saying that you need to be your

student's bestie. You don't have to be the fun teacher who hands

out prizes and eats lunch with their kids.

Yeah, because that's unhelpful in a completely

different way. And I think we all know teachers who have gone

too far into teacher bestie territory. Instead, we are after

the kind of teacher student relationship where every student

knows that their teacher notices them, that their teacher wants

them there, and that their teacher believes that they can

do this.

Please don't let that feel overwhelming. Relationship

building really isn't complicated, but it does have to

be intentional. You can't land there by accident.

You either apply external pressure or internal motivation.

So, with external pressure, students comply

because they want to avoid getting in trouble, or being

embarrassed, or losing a privilege. We have all had that

teacher who ran a silent, perfectly behaved room on

nothing but shame and fear.

Yeah, my teacher like that was my seventh grade

algebra teacher, Mr. Moffett.

Oh, you're calling him out.

Yes, he does not deserve the benefit of any positive PR.

Plus, I think he's probably dead.

He was very old then, so he probably is because I also

had him for seventh grade algebra.

Oh yikes! Well, you know, you know how this goes then, and

you could hear a pin drop in his room. Every single kid was on

task and paying attention to everything he said, but that's

because if you talked, he would scream at you in German.

Now I don't know why I don't remember this part,

though. I don't remember the German.

Oh, it made an impression. Well, if it wasn't

the German, it was the heckling. You probably do remember this,

Emily. He would announce that you must have a crush on whoever

you were whispering to, just to shame you in front of the whole

class. Now, I was a perfect angel student in that class

because I did not want any, no German, no heckling.

Please don't notice me.

Yes, but one morning the boy sitting behind me had a

question, and I don't blame him for feeling like you couldn't

ask our teacher, so he asked me instead, and that gave Mr.

Oh, that's so rough.

Moffat plenty of material for a little stand-up act. Although

I mean, but it worked in the sense that nobody talked.

stand-up is generous because he was seated the whole time, he

But I don't think anyone who cares enough to listen to a

teaching podcast is interested in being that kind of teacher,

was not a teacher that got up. But I remember how my cheeks

even if it technically works.

So we're not getting students to cooperate through

burned; they must have been so red.

And unless you want to spend all day prodding reluctant

kids, which who wants to do that? Then making this

investment really matters. Students who believe their

teacher is on their side are students who stick with you when

you ask them to do something. That's what produces

cooperation, and cooperation, not compliance, is the real goal

external pressure, so that leaves the other option:

internal motivation.

here.

And this is what happens naturally when a kid trusts the

adult asking them to do something. Now they're not just

avoiding a consequence; they're protecting something they care

about.

If you need your class to work on an assignment quietly,

both compliance and cooperation can achieve that goal, but at a

cost.

And the cost of compliance is pretty cheap. It's

easy to produce; just make the consequences painful enough, and

kids will fall in line. But compliance is short-lived; it

disappears the minute you walk out of the room.

And it breeds resentment all along the way. But on the

other hand, cooperation is expensive. It takes more work.

You have to plan for it, and you have to keep investing in it.

But cooperation lasts. You end up with a class that

largely manages itself because your kids want to live up to

what you expect of them.

And that's why your kids are willing to follow the rules.

When that relationship is strong, rules become part of

caring for one another. Instead of no talking, students

understand we stay quiet because everyone deserves to learn, and

my talking might disrupt them.

And instead of walk in the hallway because my teacher

said, they understand we walk because other classrooms deserve

respect, and the running feet will be distracting. You're not

changing your expectation, but now your students have some

internal motivation to meet it.

Relationships are so fundamental to how the entire

year unfolds that they are the very first tool that we teach in

our new book, Structure and Spark.

And that book comes out next week, and if you pre-order

by august 17, we have some awesome bonuses to send you. The

only catch is that you have to fill out a form for us because

we don't have a way to like get into Amazon and find out who

bought it.

Yes, so you have to pre-order and then head to

secondstorywindow.net/book to fill out a quick form so we can

send you those bonuses, and we will link to that page in the

show notes.

So as you're heading into a new school year, it's so easy

to plan a couple get-to-know-you activities and think that you've

covered it all for relationship building, but unfortunately, it

does take a little more effort than that.

Instead of thinking this is one more thing to pile on

your plate, try reframing it. Scheduling time for intentional

relationship building is one of the few tools you have for

getting stuff off your plate later.

Yeah, that's a definite rarity in education. So instead

of counting the lost minutes spent relationship building,

zoom out and imagine the saved hours. Every time a transition

unfolds efficiently, you easily save five minutes. Every time

your class comes back from recess and settles quickly, you

save another five minutes.

And this is just like what we talk about with teaching

your procedures at the beginning of the year. The whole idea of

do it right or do it all year long, that's exactly the same

thing here. This all goes hand in hand. So let's get practical.

What does this look like? The first thing is to start

relationship building early.

And we mean even earlier than you might be thinking. In

So, if you think of the first day of school as an event,

her book, The Art of Gathering, which is an excellent book,

Priya Parker explains that an event, whether that's a birthday

party or a professional development training, doesn't

start when the guests arrive. It starts the moment the attendees

hear about it.

the same principle applies. Your relationship with your class

doesn't begin when students walk through the door. It begins the

first time that they hear your name.

Which means you really want to make sure they associate

that name with a positive feeling. If you have your class

list early enough, there's a lot you can do before day one. Now,

I taught with a teacher who did home visits before school

started.

And one of my kids had a teacher that came and met them

before the school year started. It was a little surprising, but

I think it was really good for their relationship. And I know

I've heard that some whole faculties do this at some

schools. They have like a certain day that they're all

going out to meet their kids, and the research shows that home

visits have a lot of benefits. They are such a good way to

learn things about a kid that you would never find out

otherwise.

And they're also a really good way to start building trust

with the family too. But they are such a big ask, especially

if no one's paying you to do it. I always felt so guilty not

doing the same thing as my teammate was doing because she

didn't seem to think it was a big deal. But I knew myself well

enough to know that this poor introvert would need weeks to

recover from 25 home visits.

Oh my gosh, that, it is an introvert's nightmare. I

think having to meet that many new people in a day, I would

actually die. So it is okay if you don't have the time or the

energy for that. This isn't all or nothing. Connecting through

the mail or in other ways works too. So we used to send

postcards before school started, inviting kids to our open house

and asking them to bring something to share on the first

day.

It's such a small gesture, but it tells a kid

before they've even met you that you are already thinking about

them.

And if you want something all ready to go for this, we

have a resource for you. It's so cute. You tuck a star sticker

into an envelope with a poem telling the students to make a

wish the night before school starts, and that their new

teacher is making a wish for them too at the very same time.

It's so cute.

Or you could get those squishy star stress balls and

attach the poem to those, but I think those might be a little

bit tricky to mail. So you'd probably want to save those to

give out in person.

Yeah, that would be perfect to give out at your meet

the teacher night or your open house. And squishies are all the

rage right now, so a squishy star would be perfect. But also

remind yourself that this does not have to be a big deal.

Yeah, I've seen the teachers online prepping whole

gift bags. This is not bad. One small thing, even if it's just a

couple of lifesavers, sends the same message. It says, "I'm glad

you're here, and we're going to have fun together."

Once you have a way to connect with students before the

first day, you need to welcome them warmly once they arrive.

On that first morning, you can just assume that every

student is secretly wondering the same thing. Do I belong

here? And every interaction you have that day either answers

that yes or leaves it hanging.

The easiest first step is to learn your students' names

and take the time to learn how to pronounce them correctly. If

you are at all unsure, ask last year's teacher.

Or you can ask the student when you meet them, then

do your best to get it right. I know sometimes with language

differences, it's really hard to make the same sounds that are

natural in the other language. I had a student with an indigenous

Mexican name, and it sounded like music in his accent, and in

my accent, it sounded like a car that wouldn't start. I never did

get it perfect, but I was always respectful when I used it, and I

never put him on the spot by saying something like, "Oh,

that's just too hard for me. I'll just call you whatever."

You know, I just I did try to be respectful.

Yeah, or making a big deal of the fact of like, "Oh, I

can never get your name right." Like, you don't want to draw

attention to that. Respect is really important when it comes

to names because names are so closely tied to our identity.

That's why using them has such power. Besides learning your

students' names, make it a point to have their names visible in

the room.

If you're a teacher that uses student numbers to label

things, aim to have names visible in at least three

places. And if you don't use numbers, then that step's really

easy.

And one place we always recommend having names is right

outside the door. That way, when a nervous kid arrives outside

your room and they're trying to tell if this is the right place

on that first morning, they know that they are in the right spot

without wandering in to check. They already know before they go

in, so they can come in with a little more confidence.

And that little touch of preparation is such a gift when

people are anxious.

Yep.

Another part of your welcome is a fun way to

introduce yourself. The goal is for your kids to see the human

behind the teacher desk.

You can share the basics, where you went to school, what

you did before teaching, but a few more personal details go a

long way too.

Yeah, you can tell them about what you struggled with as

a kid, what you value, maybe that you're deathly afraid of

jellyfish, maybe that's just me.

That's a that's a you thing, I think. But you could

also bring in an object or two while you're at it, like your

favorite book from when you were their age, or you know, an old

photo.

Yeah, kids love laughing at the hairstyles that we all

thought were a good idea at the time.

Yeah, especially if you're old enough to have lived

through the '80s. Some of our hairstyles ask more questions

than they answer, but it would be fun to show them a picture of

you in second grade if that's a grade you teach or or whatever

grade you teach.

Yes, sharing about yourself is a good way to start

building connections, but this goes beyond a fun activity. To

be known and liked by the people you teach, you have to be

willing to let them see who you really are.

Also, build in time for students to share about

themselves. Plan a few low-pressure group activities so

you can get to know students, and they can get to know each

other.

An interest inventory works well for this. You can

prepare a quick survey asking students what they're into, what

they're good at, and what they wish their teacher knew. It only

takes a few minutes, but it can be just the key you need to

unlock a kid that you would otherwise spend all year trying

to figure out.

You can even fold your rules into your start of the

year activities. After a few days, you can gather the class

for a discussion and then ask what they want out of this year.

And then you can use that discussion as a launch pad. If

these are the things that we all want, what rules do we need so

everyone is able to succeed? Write down everyone's

suggestions and then group them into similar categories. So, for

example, okay, we said listen when the teacher is talking is a

rule, and be quiet during work time. Should we put those

together and make one of our rules only talk when it's your

turn?

The students are much more willing to abide by rules

that they help generate, which makes co-creating them a huge

management boost. And if you want a deeper breakdown of

running a rulemaking activity, the first six weeks of school

book has a great one.

And another helpful resource is the community

building menu inside the Teacher Approved Club this month. We

have broken the first five weeks of school into specific goals

and created ready to go activities for each one.

There's so many fun activities in there, and most

only take 10 or 15 minutes. My favorite, actually, in the site

is the "What I Did Not Do This Summer" writing activity.

Oh yeah, that's a fun one.

Normal summer recap activities can turn into a

comparison contest or trigger a kid who is already having big

feelings about the fun of summer being over. So instead, ask your

class to write and illustrate something they definitely did

not do over the summer.

Yeah, maybe they did not go camping, in that which case,

same kid. But maybe they didn't wrestle a unicorn on Mars.

Students are only limited by what they did not do, and if you

have an imagination, that's a pretty big field to draw from.

And this activity works because it's low stakes and it's

funny. Shared laughter is one of the fastest relationship

builders there is.

If you are a club member, go grab that resource today. And

if you aren't a member yet, we would love to have you join us.

And you can sign up at secondstorywindow.net/club.

Whether you're already starting back, or you won't

start for a few more weeks. Take a minute to look at your plans.

Hopefully, you've scheduled a bunch of time for teaching and

practicing your expectations and procedures. Consistent rules and

routines are one of your greatest management tools.

Just don't stop there. Before students will buy into

your procedures, they need to know that the person asking them

to follow directions is doing it out of love and not out of

control, so be intentional about including relationship building

in your plans even after the first week of school.

Good relationships with your students aren't a talent that

some teachers have and others don't. They are a system.

They're effort you make the same as your morning routine, which

means you can build this. So to bring it back to where we

started, the sub who has your class for one day is missing

your routine, sure, but she's also missing every relationship

deposit that you've made all year.

That's why one of the strongest classroom management tools is

the trust you build with the people sitting in front of you.

When students believe their teacher knows them, values them,

and is on their side, the rules don't become less important;

they just become much easier to follow.

Now, for our teacher-approved tip of the

week, where we share an actionable tip to help you

elevate what matters and simplify the rest. This week's

teacher-approved tip is invite contributions, and it fits right

in with everything we just covered. So tell us more about

it, Heidi.

Well, if you haven't done your meet the teacher night yet,

try putting up a chart and asking parents to contribute to

it. It could be a prompt like, "What do you hope your student

learns this year?" or "Write a compliment for our class," or it

could be something more playful, like "Write a song everyone

should know, and we'll add it to our class playlist." Just you

know, preview anything before you do that. Or a prompt like,

"What's your favorite kid-friendly joke?"

Just like asking for student input is a great way to

boost teacher-student relationships, this is a great

strategy to invest in parent-teacher relationships.

Asking someone to share a favorite song or joke

automatically creates warm feelings.

And when it comes to parents, you want them to think

of you and your classroom very warmly. So type the instructions

right now and post them on the board, or you can write them on

a chart for your meet the teacher night.

And if you've already had your meet the teacher night or

back to school night, tuck this idea away for parent

conferences.

If you really want to get ahead, just prep those

conference posters now while you're thinking about it.

Just don't forget you did it. So set a reminder in your

phone or put it on your schedule so that you remember the day

before conferences that you already made these and you can

pull them out. It's a little thing, but it makes a big

impression.

Okay, to wrap up the show, we're sharing what we're

giving extra credit to this week. Emily, what gets your

extra credit?

I'm giving extra credit to the new version of the Little

House on the Prairie on Netflix. I binged the whole thing

yesterday. So I should preface this by saying I absolutely

loved the Little House on the Prairie book series so so much.

I dressed up as Laura Ingalls Wilder for Halloween one year.

Like not a pioneer. I was Laura Ingalls Wilder, and I corrected

anyone who just assumed I was a pioneer. No, no. So I have a lot

of affection for Little House on the Prairie, but I would say my

affection is not that tied to the TV show. I mean, I saw it

plenty. It was on all the time, and I liked it, but I just

didn't have the same affection for it that I had for the books.

I don't know how you felt about it.

It was so different from the books. Yeah.

Yes, and it was a little saccharine, even for me as a

kid. I remember feeling like, oh brother, you know. Now we come

from a non-saccharine family, so maybe that's why. Even at a

young age, I was sniffing that out, like, Oh, brother! But I

feel like the new series does a really good job of honoring the

original books, but not leaning too hard into the "so sweet it

hurts your teeth" feeling, you know.

Oh, that's good.

And I haven't read the books in a really, really long

time, so I'm not totally positive about all of the ins

and outs of the story. So I don't know how closely they're

following it, but I feel like from what I've heard, it

actually follows the books more closely than the old TV series

did. So I feel like if you really, really, really loved the

old version, you might have a hard time with this one. It's

probably how I feel about Anne of Green Gables. Like, I'm not

even going to watch any other interpretation of Anne of Green

Gables because I only care about the '80s one with Megan Follows.

Which, by the way, she has a cute little cameo in this.

Oh!

But it'll make you feel really sad because she's playing

a grandma. So I even knew it was in here, and when it came on, I

was just like, "Oh, it's Anne! Oh, a grandma! Oh no."

I don't like it.

But she was a very sweet grandma. Anyway, all that to

say, I thought it was really cute. It's totally kid

appropriate. I think it might just be a little slow for some

kids, but I enjoyed it. It was a very nice, relaxing weekend

watch.

Oh, that's good. I've heard mixed things because I

think the people that loved the 70s TV show didn't love some of

the things that would happen. But this is such a weird

cultural moment because it's based on a real, it's a

fictional take of someone's actual life, but that life has

been so well researched since the time she was writing her

stories that we have this whole bigger picture of what was

really happening. So then there's the balance of like, do

you lean into the history, or do you just stick with the story

she told?

Yeah, and I appreciate that they are they're doing

both. I feel like they're do they are honoring the original

story of this little family, but they're also bringing in a lot

more historical context of what's going on. They're in

Independence, Missouri at the time, and what's going on with

the Osage tribes. And yes, I did appreciate that we have been to

Independence, Missouri, so I could actually like put some

imaginations to this of what it what it was maybe like there a

long time ago. But yeah, I I think they did a good job with

that. I didn't feel like it was heavy handed of like we're going

to make this new raw version of Little House on the Prairie.

It's not like that at all, but it definitely is telling a

bigger story, and I like that a lot.

Well, that's good. I have to check it out.

So, what are you giving extra credit to, Heidi?

Well, I'm also giving extra credit to a TV show, but

it's a very different vibe. This is the Rise and Fall of Reggie

Dinkins on Peacock. I think this was on like regular primetime

TV, but I totally missed it last year, so I just caught this on

Peacock. And it's Tracy Morgan and Daniel Radcliffe. Talk about

an odd couple. And Tracy Morgan is a disgraced former football

player, and Daniel Radcliffe is a documentary maker with kind of

some demons in his past, and so they're both trying to like

restore each other's careers as he makes a documentary about

Reggie Dinkins. And it's done by a lot of the same people that

did 30 Rock. So if you like 30 Rock, I think this would be your

show. If you didn't like 30 Rock, I don't think you would

enjoy it.

That's that's a perfect example because I've only seen

the first few episodes, and then I forgot to go back to it. So I

need to do that. But it definitely has 30 rock vibes,

not just because of Tracy Morgan, but you know the whole

yeah the whole feel.

One of my favorite things is so they they keep showing you

clips from like the early 2000s when Tracy Morgan slash Reggie

Dinkins was at the peak of his football career, they don't do

anything to make these people look any younger. So it's like

50-year-old Tracy Morgan pretending to be 25. It's very

funny.

It is funny. I'm excited. I got to go back and and watch

the rest of that. So I'm glad you reminded me.

Oh, good, something to look forward to.

That is it for today's episode. Make sure you are planning your

relationship building with as much detail as you are planning

your procedures, and don't forget our tip for inviting

parents to contribute when they visit your classroom.

We hope you enjoyed this episode of Teacher Approved. I'm Heidi.

And I'm Emily. Thank you for listening. Be sure to follow

or subscribe in your podcast app so that you never miss an

episode.

You can connect with us and other teachers in the

Teacher Approved Facebook group. We'll see you here next week.

Bye for now.

Bye.