This is All Pete Holmes' Fault

Episode 1 • 6th June 2023 • Unsound Advice • Lara Beitz

Lara (announcer): Coming up on “Unsound Advice”… 0:00

Lara (host): Actually, I keep a knife under my bed for intruders --

Pete Holmes: What are you doing with a knife? All you're doing is giving an intruder a knife.

Lara: Not if I'm holding it.

Lara: I also have a taser.

Pete: That I like. Get rid of the knife.

Lara: I also have pepper spray.

Pete: That I like. Get rid of the -- What are we doing with this knife?

Lara: Why not?

Pete: Because here's why not. The chances of you sticking a knife into the meaty muscle flesh of a man who's breaking into your house in the middle of the night are zero, the chances of that knife being turned around. And stuck into you are 100%.

Lara: That's not true. I'll stab him in the balls, and here's why --

[Opening Theme Music plays]

Caller: Twice in the last month, I had to come pick her up from a guy's house drunk at 430 in the morning.

Caller: Do I just assume he's not interested anymore?

Caller: So I'm on my second marriage. My first one ended because my wife cheated on me, and my second wife is starting to act in a similar way.

Caller: Hey, Lara.

Caller: Hi, Laura.

Caller: Hi.

Caller: Hey, there. I know you're a 12 step program person, so I was just wondering --

Caller: How do you break up with a hairstylist?

Caller: A bunch of my coworkers are really bad at their job –

Caller: -- and I wanted to try, you know, bringing her back into my life.

I'm just wondering if you had any guidance for me.

Caller: Give me a strategy here.

Caller: Where do I start? How do I even begin?

Caller: And how do I stop eating cookies? I love cookies so much.

Caller: Thanks a lot, Lara. You’re the best.

[Opening Theme Music Ends]

Lara: Welcome to “Unsound Advice with Lara Beitz.” I'm Lara Beitz. Thank you for joining us for our premiere episode.

J.P.: Yes, we're here. We finally got here.

Lara: Meet my producer, J.P. Buck.

J.P.: How's it going? Good to see you, Lara.

Lara: It's good. I'm really happy to be here. We have Pete Holmes today.

J.P.: This is a this is a fun one. He's the reason. He's how we met.

Lara: There we go. He's how we met. He connected us. He told J.P. that he should have me do a podcast where I give advice because I've given Pete a lot of advice and he's given me a lot of advice which he didn't share with you. I don't mean he didn't share the advice with you. I mean, he didn't share that information with you. I didn't mean like Pete gave me advice, which he didn't give you.

J.P.: No, no, no. He basically was saying it was a one way street with you giving him advice is how he described it to me.

Lara: Oh, that's so funny. Yeah, that is that incorrectly characterizes our relationship, but it seems like it was a really good way of him pitching me to you.

J.P.: He's very gracious.

Lara: Yeah. And then we met in Montreal, and –

J.P.: Amidst a French festival

Lara: A lot going on.

J.P.: A lot going on and I didn't realize how sensitive you were to sound at the time.

Lara: Yeah.

J.P.: And there's literally like a French pop group performing for like 10,000 people across the street as we're trying to drink coffee. And you were soldiering on in this conversation. So thank you.

Lara: A guy comes up and like, starts juggling at the table. It's just a mime. A mime creating a box around us. And I just was like, Yeah, so I'm really excited about this. Yeah, I think I had earplugs in and I was like, primarily reading your lips because I get so distracted by the sounds. It's just I can hear everything at once, so I can hear like someone's change jingling, someone putting a cup on a plate, someone throwing something away. Like I just can hear all of it.

J.P.: Yeah.

Lara: So, yeah, making everything a little bit quieter helps, even if it also quietens… quiets... the voice of the person I'm talking to.

J.P.: Well, you had me fooled. I had no idea until we actually zoomed a few weeks later.

Lara: Yeah. And I was a normal person.

J.P.: (laughs) No.

Lara: (as J.P.) Well, she talks way faster than she does when she's having to sift through garbage for every single word. (laughs) But enough about me. Today, we talk about how to “Beitz it.” That's an expression that Pete coined, which I love. He's so good to me. We talk about Pete's therapist, Dr. Gary Penn, who has a new book out. He talks about that. We talk about etiquette for being backstage at a comedy club. How should you behave in the green room? Should you be there? Let's discuss. We do.

J.P.: I can't tell you how happy I was to have this aired, because this has been something that is always irritated me about people just walking backstage and thinking they owned the room.

(Lara exhales)

J.P.: And to hear you two discuss your stories of certain people. Yeah. Thank you for that.

Lara: Yeah. And they're coming. I mean, as you're saying this, Things are popping into my head. I'm like people who are not comedians come in and confidently sit at my seat where my notebook is in front of them on the table. And I'm just like, You do the thing where you passive aggressively grab your drink from in

(Both laugh)

Lara: front of where the person sitting not to be passive aggressive because you want the drink, right? But also it's a little bit of a Oh, excuse me, let me just grab my things from around you. Yeah, I was sitting there. No, no, don't get up.

(J.P. laughs)

Lara: The calls were great. We gave cat advice, which is some of my favorite advice to give. I could talk about cats all day. Don't ask me to prove it. I will.

J.P.: Mmm-hmm.

Lara: And then we talk about defending ourselves –

J.P.: Which I don't even know how we got there from the cats.

Lara: Yeah. Weapons in the bedroom, I think is a really exciting way to put that bullet point.

J.P.: Yeah.

Lara: Yeah. We talk about how to take care of yourself as a comedian, what our daily road schedule is like when we're on the road.

J.P.: Yeah, And you both had different advice for that.

Lara: We did. We get into it over an accent wall, which I don't think anybody saw coming.

J.P.: Pete was great at kind of poking at you to reveal something. And I think we really found think helpful for people.

Lara: Yeah, Pete really drove that drove that conversation. Didn't let me off the hook.

J.P.: No.

Lara: We'll say that. And I love that about him because. Yeah, we do get to the root of stuff. And then… flying for job, which I… Oh, right! Flying for your job!

(Both laugh)

Lara: Yeah. When you have to travel for work. That one didn't ring any bells at first. I'll be perfectly honest with you. (Laughs) Yeah, well, you know what to do if you have to travel for work, if that's not particularly your thing.

J.P.: Yeah. And kind of how to. How to handle it. And maybe do you stick with the job or do you quit.

Lara: Right?

J.P.: Yeah. What's what's more important?

Lara: Are those your only two choices? Do you travel less? Do you travel smarter? Do you take a handful of pills? I don't even know if we talk about that, But it's a question to ask yourself. Yeah, and that's what we do.

J.P.: It's just like on every episode we, you cover wide ranging topics. I think anyone can find something in every episode.

Lara: Yeah. Cats, flight, self-defense, you name it.

J.P.: Accent walls.

Lara: Accent walls. Yeah. You know, Yeah, we really covered it.

(Background music plays)

Lara (announcing): New episodes of “Unsound Advice” will be available every Tuesday morning at UnsoundAdvicePod.com. And wherever you get your podcasts, including YouTube.

Lara: We want you to be a part of the show. If you'd like some unsound advice, send an email or a voice memo to Laura@UnsoundAdvicePod.com. And don't worry, we won't use your name unless you really want us to. For some reason.

Lara: Let's get into it. Here's my conversation with Pete Holmes.

(Background music fades)

Lara: My guest today is the hilarious comedian and host of the popular long running podcast, “You Made It Weird.”

(Pete laughs)

Pete: I don't know why I'm laughing during the intro.

Lara: Excuse me.

Pete: Long running sounds like a burn.

Lara: Excuse me, please.

Pete: An exhausted podcast.

Lara: Excuse me. He also co-created and starred in HBO's Crashing, which was loosely based on his life --

Pete: Medium-ly.

Lara: Pete Holmes! Thank you for joining me today.

(Pete laughs)

Lara: For heaven's sake. Unbelievable.

Pete: I blew it. Every part of it. I wanted to riff on the intro.

Lara: Everybody, welcome. My next guest speaks as soon as something triggers a thought.

(Pete claps)

Lara: Everybody, please welcome Pete Holmes.

Pete: I was quiet that whole time. Except for the clapping.

Lara: No, you weren't. You were clapping the entire time.

Pete: That's a real narcissist. I don't mean me, unless… What are we here to learn?

Lara: You mean me?

Pete: No. I'm saying, like, a true narcissistic character would when they're not talking, that they'd clap, like, just so they're always doing something.

Lara: Oh, I see. Yeah, Something that's about them. Something that draws the attention back to them. Our listeners can't tell. For all they knew, it was me clapping over the sound of my own talking. And then who's in our studio now?

Pete: Well, my hands are clammy enough that they knew they weren't yours. There was a moisture –

Lara: They don't know the textures of our individual hands.

Pete: You seem like a dry handed lady.

Lara: Do I?

Pete: Yeah. I mean, that is comp, you know, moisturized.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Not like brittle.

Lara: No, I wasn't hurt.

Pete: But I'm… as one of my defining characteristics in junior high was that I ruddy cheeks --

Lara: Oh, because of that awful bitch from college --

Pete: Who? Oh, my ex-wife.

Lara: No, was that your ex-wife? No, that girl that we met at the show.

Pete: Do you remember?

Lara: Of course I remember. I've been mad on your behalf ever since.

Pete: One of your best features as a friend is you'll get more mad than I would, which is great. I loved it. But you and I are very particular about friends that would come back after the show, because we tour a lot together. And a friend that I went to college… Well, friend, you know, someone I was friends with.

Lara: Sure. I guess.

Pete: I don't know why I circled back --

Lara: She attended college with you. Let's call it what it was.

Pete: Yes. And she came backstage and she not only did not say anything about the show, which is rule number one, and I know this is not a flattering tone for us, to -- You know, some people are just finding out about me first thing. No, no, It's that I hate when people come back in the green room and don't say anything about the show. Just say something.

Lara: Say something positive.

Pete: What a show. Just that.

Lara: Great job.

Pete: Great job.

Lara: How hard is it to say great job?

Pete: or just, you know what? I'm going to make it 50% easier. Great.

Lara: Right?

Pete: And then start eating my fucking baby carrots.

Lara: Right?

Pete: Get the fuck out of here. And. But this woman didn't say shit about the show and then just started telling you about how clammy my hands were in college.

Lara: Oh my god. And do you know what I did? I excused myself and asked the staff to find a tasteful way to remove her from the greenroom.

Pete: Get her out of there. That’s show business.

Lara: He doesn't want her in there and he's too nice and he's not going to tell her to leave. We need to handle this.

Pete: This is why show business is a control freak’s wet dream. It really is. And when I was shooting HBO’s “Crashing,” we’d be on the street and you'd hear something that would bother me and bother you in regular life. Yeah, like loud talking champagne women.

(Pete laughs)

Lara: Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Or a party or revving motorcycle engines. You’d have to. Yeah, It wasn't like I was being particular, which is how I feel in most of my life. You'd say,

Pete (in character): Hey, I think that's going to be in the shot. Done.

Lara: This is unacceptable.

Pete (in character): Mr. Holmes, no problem.

Pete: You know what I mean? I didn't even have to say it. There was a whole other department whose job it was to control reality.

Lara: Oh, it sounds incredible.

Pete: There was a homeless person in the West Village that would just go “Fuck! Fuck!” Pretty standard guy. There's one in every town.

Lara: Yeah. Yeah.

Pete: Once a population reaches –

Lara: Right.

Pete: 30,000.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: One of those 30 is going to be “Fuck!”

Lara: Umm-Hmm. That's right.

Pete: Classic guy.

Lara: That's right.

Pete: He'd walk by, give that guy 50 bucks. Whisper quiet.

Lara: Yeah. In Milwaukee, it was Pierre. Yeah.

Pete: Oh, we know Pierre. Yeah. A chilly man screaming fuck.

Lara: I mean, even if you don’t know him, you know him.

Pete: That’s what I mean.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: I got it. Yeah. So. And here we are. If there's a problem here, we shut it down.

Lara: Well, obviously, I had you on the podcast because you're incredibly important to me. We wouldn't be doing this podcast if it weren't for you. Pete connected me with J.P. Buck, our producer, who's right there.

Pete: Looking at realdoll.com.

(J.P. laughs)

Lara: And Pete took me on tour. I was your feature act.

Pete: Well, I don't know about that.

Lara: What do you mean you don't know about that?

Pete: You were -- I mean, I get it.

Lara: That’s the reality of what happened. We went all over the country together. You brought me.

Pete: That’s true, but I don't. I don't know, man. I've toured with some feature acts, and then I've toured with Lara Beitz, but that's all I'm saying.

Lara: Oh, well, that's very sweet.

Pete: It wasn't like -- you were not The Amused Boosh. It was like another sandwich.

Lara: Oh, that's so nice.

Pete: And I'm just saying. Yeah, well, it was. It was a delight. And you elevated my game, that's for sure. You know what I mean?

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: You had to follow somebody that killed.

Lara: Thank you.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: Thank you.

Pete: You're welcome. Glad we did this.

Lara: We've given each other a lot of advice we have.

Pete: We have. And you are a person IRL that I go to for advice.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And sometimes I lose my way and I'll. I'll come to you sometime. Maybe I won't call you with advice, but we'll have a hang.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And usually during that hang you'll catch me losing my way. And what you're very good at is going like, fuck that shit, you deserve this, this or this. Usually respect, you deserve -- your feelings are valid is a big one. Val is very similar. She has a very similar skill set, but you're very no nonsense and you go like --

Pete (as Lara): What you said was reasonable and your feelings are valid. So you stop apologizing –

Pete: I go, thank you and you just feel better after.

Lara: Yeah. So that's what you do in my life. I think that what you do in my life is you, like, set my dial. And by that I mean you'll say, like, I think you should “Beitz it,” which means be very blunt and straightforward. Ask for what you want, don't apologize. And then sometimes you've also said to me like, I wouldn't “Beitz It” too much on this.

Pete: Yeah. As many times as I've told you to “Beitz it.” I go, don't “Beitz it.”

Lara: There's a time to put it away.

Pete: I just gently walked you away from what I saw as a ledge.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: I was like, You're not Amy Schumer yet, right? That was the advice that I remember.

Lara: And in his defense before he said that, I was screaming, I'm Amy Schumer.

(Pete laughs)

Pete: And there was a person next to you named Pierre screaming “fuck.”

Lara: I want a regulation-sized refrigerator full of coconut La Croix. And if I don't get it, I walk, oh, I sold 30 tickets. Figure it out. I don't know what to tell you.

(Pete laughs)

Lara: Oh, there's nobody here and we're doing one show and that's outrageous and the store doesn’t even sell that much? Not my problem.

Pete: Where's my Subzero filled with coconut La Croix?

Lara: Right.

Pete: Well, by that, I meant we can have our little secret. This little light of mine, this little belief. And I had it before any train had come in for “Old Holmes-ey.” J.P. Buck having tons to do with that. And any chance I get -- so grateful to J.P. Back got me my first big breaks and anyway we go on that later. He's on Real Doll, looking at blue-skinned Avatar sex dolls.

Lara: He’s so modest. He’s just looking at his laptop like he isn't listening and absorbing it.

J.P.: It's not even on.

Pete: J.P. knows I love him very dearly. But you have this inner light and you rely on it, especially when you're eating shit. For the first ten years of comedy. So much taking, so much shit, so much fear, you know, sandwiched with shit like gigs that are shit and scary, flying to cities alone in sad hotels and all of that stuff. So you have to have that part of you that goes, I'm Kevin Hart. But there's also -- you let him out very rarely. In fact, early in my career, my agents would have to tell me to dial it down.

Lara: Really?

Pete: I'd go on general meetings and they'd get feedback afterwards, and they're like, Is this kid on cocaine?

Lara: Oh, no.

Pete: Which I wasn't. But I just so believed in myself. And I'd pitch them five shows and I'd say grandiose things, you know, like –

Pete (Dr. Evil impression): Accusing a bag of walnuts, of being lazy.

Pete: It's from Austin Powers, But like, I really was like, I've seen the show. Like, the show works, like, just like unbridled belief in myself. And my wonderful agent, Zach Drucker, told me what I told you, which is like, there's just a time when you go like, this isn't the moment. I'm going to use an airport analogy, I'm going to go through regular security, even though I have pre-check and they made a mistake. Today. I'm just going to keep my mouth shut and I will take my shoes off and I'll take my laptop out of my bag.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Even though you're like, Fuck, I'm Kevin Hart. Yeah, And that's most of it. You know what I mean?

Lara: Yeah, That's really beautiful.

Pete: Oh, well, we fly a lot. So I went right for an analogy you would like.

Lara: Have I given you any advice in your life that you. That changed your life forever? (laughs)

Pete: Well, yeah. You gave me, you gave me the voice of “The Beitz” and you “Beitz it.” You “Beitz it”?

Lara: I bit it.

Pete: You bit it. So I now just like a good therapist, and I really mean this. Like my therapist, Dr. Gary Penn, who I haven't seen in almost five, six years or something -- because it worked. To those people that are like, Yeah, you just go and you go -- shut the fuck up, you fucking tool. Yeah, it's this attitude that you can't solve it.

Pete: This like mewling and moaning about your therapist like this defeatist -- by the way. I'm half kidding.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Is part of why you're like, and it never works. It's like because this is broken, right? But I went in and calmly dealt with issues and at a certain point, you know, you're done when you go, and I know what he'd say about that and I know what he'd say about that. And he installs his voice in your consciousness.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And his voice -- very similar to yours. It's a little bit different. Dr. Gary Penn's voice. I paid him lots of money to learn how to say, who cares?! That was what he said all the time. And it's beautiful.

Lara: Oh, I like that.

Pete: You know what it is? It's mercy. It's self-mercy. Fuck self-love. Self-love is great. Can you give yourself self-mercy?

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Who cares? Oh, I watched some weird porn clip. Who cares? Did you hurt anybody? Who cares? So what?

Lara: That's great.

Pete: He’s like Joy Behar.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: So what?

Lara: I think that's worth paying someone to say.

Pete: It was, but I had to bring him -- the one I give all the time -- Look, I grew up religious and sexually repressed, and I used to feel very guilty. I lived in an apartment building and I'd hear my neighbors having sex and I would sometimes be, like, aroused by it.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And that was made me feel dirty. It made me feel like a perv and a skeez and like, just a dirty, weird guy in his studio being like, Oh, shush.

Lara: Totally.

Pete (creepy voice): They're at it again!

Pete: I was like, That's the definition of an eighties fucking scumbag creeper, right?

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And he would be like –

Pete (Dr. Gary Penn voice): It's very erotic!

(Lara laughs)

Pete: That's what he said. You're so right to laugh. That's what comedy is. You go to comedy and you say, I'm so embarrassed that it turns me on when I hear my neighbors having sex. And comedy screams back in the voice of Dr. Gary Penn, his voice whose book is available now, he goes –

Pete (Dr. Gary Penn voice): It's very erotic. Who cares?

Pete: And you go, right, yeah, I didn't build this thing.

Lara: Right.

Pete: You hear sex and it turns you on. You realize that's why women have loud orgasms. It's like to stimulate the whole community, get everybody fucking.

(Pete laughs)

Pete (Dr. Gary Penn voice): It's very erotic. Yeah, I don't know. I read SEX AT DAWN once on a plane, and I don't think I got it.

Lara: That's so funny. Well, do you want to take a call?

Pete: Sure. I'm going to yell. It's very erotic to one of these calls.

(musical sting plays)

Caller: Hi, Lara. I recently got a new cat. He's very playful. He loves to jump around. He's super active. And my old cat is very jealous. How do I fix things in my house?

Pete: Is this cat you? Yeah. One of those people. Let me ask you something. Are all the cats in this question you, because they wish they were? Because what am I the fucking crocodile hunter? I don't know how to fix your goddamn kitten problems. You think there's someone on earth that knows how to get cats to get along? Cats? Ancient Egypt worshiped these cold ass motherfuckers because they'll watch a toddler die with no emotion. You think I can come in there and get one to forgive another one? These cats are going to fucking hate each other till the day they die. Nine times.

Lara: No.

Pete: Yes, it's over. My advice to you is give up or toss one out the window.

Lara: First of all, I do wish that you'd asked for my advice before you got a kitten. Because what a nightmare. Kittens and puppies. They're great to look at. They're great visitors. I wouldn't move there. You know?

Pete: I get it.

Lara: Great place to visit. Terrible place to live.

Pete: Salt Lake City. They’re Salt Lake City.

Lara: They’ll ruin your entire life. They will destroy everything you have worked for.

Pete: That's right.

Lara: Now, that having been said, I happened to have read about this.

(Pete gasps)

Pete: Steve Irwin wrote about this before he passed?

Lara: That's right. I have two cats. Yes. And Queen Princess was under my bed for the first two months that I had these cats. She was so scared to come out and I contacted the shelter and they were like, just give her time. She'll come out. She'll be worth the wait, don't worry, Because she was like sneaking out, you know, she was using the litter box. She was eating. She was saying, Yeah, cats are great, but she just was terrified. And when she finally came out and let me pet her, my other cat – I started calling him Officer Snuggles because he would show up. You know, I'd say like Officer Snuggles is reporting for duty because he would show up and break us up. Like, he could sense it from the other end of the apartment, and he would come in and I mean --

Pete: So, what did he do? Set up an elaborate situation where Snuggles saved Princess's life.

Lara: I looked it up and now he's not jealous, but basically it's just give the jealous cat a ton of attention. Just give them more attention and I'll even raise the stakes on you -- or else they will piss all over your house and they will ruin your goddamn life, because you got a kitten too. You'll have two cats pissing all over your stuff.

Pete: Yeah,

Lara: Because once they pee on something, they never forget it. It's a high, and they chase it for the rest of their lives.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: And you're going to be living in hell.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: So give the other cat just a ton, a ton of attention.

Pete: Or just celebrate them for what they are, which is cold ass motherfuckers who hate each other, you know?

Lara: I mean. I mean, it's kind of hard to celebrate a cat if it's pissing on your stuff, though.

Pete: Yeah, that's fair. But you knew you're getting into.

Lara: This is real life shit right here.

Pete: You could have gotten a dog, but I don't like dogs. I have a dog.

Lara: A puppy?

Pete: Fucking ding dong.

Lara: I would sooner give birth to a puppy than I would bring one into my home.

Pete: Look, I'm just making a case. Maybe your cats aren't going to like each other, and that's okay, because they're fucking cats. And that's the deal. They're particular. They're difficult. You earned that purr. That's what it is. You want a fucking ding dong to like everybody and follow you around? Get a dog. Dumb ass –

Lara: Cats are so sweet –

Pete: But you lucked out. Just luck of the draw.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Luck of the draw.

Lara: They worship me, but they don't really want to be around anyone.

Pete: Every once in a while, cat takes out a switchblade –

Lara: No, actually, I keep a knife under my bed for intruders, and it's got, you know, a little thing, a sheath, if you will.

Pete: Yeah. And is it a curved blade?

Lara: No. And they push it out from under the bed because that's like their safe place. So I put it under the bed and then getting it out from under the bed.

Pete: Can I? I just gave another female friend shit for this. What are you doing with a knife? All you're doing is giving an intruder a knife.

Lara: Not if I'm holding it.

Lara: I also have a taser.

Pete: That I like.

Lara: I also have pepper spray.

Pete: That I like. What are we doing with this knife?

Lara: Why not?

Lara: That's not true. I'll stab him in the balls, and here's why. Because I have a plan. If someone comes into my apartment, I grab my weapons, I roll off the bed. So I'm hiding on the other side of the bed.

Pete: I like this.

Lara: So, they have to get to the other side of the bed. And then I'm ready with my weapons. Tase him in the balls, stab him in the balls, pepper spray him in the eyes.

Pete: Why the knife? Because if you get tased or pepper sprayed, you're fine. But that knife is just going to upset him.

Lara: I didn't have the taser when I made the choice to have the knife under the bed.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: And then I just kind of never put it back –

Pete: Because it grew on you.

Lara: I mean, it's not bad to have a knife in a room because –

Pete: I disagree.

Lara: I’ll just toss you a B-scenario. There's an earthquake.

Pete: Okay.

Lara: A bunch of stuff falls --

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: I have to cut a wooden beam to escape from the rubble.

Pete: Can I. Can I just say that I love the effort here?

Lara: Or what if I have to? Yeah, do like they did in Game of Thrones. What if my cats are injured in an earthquake and I have to –

Pete: Cut off one of their legs?

Lara: Slit their throats?

Pete: Oh, a mercy kill!

Lara: To end their lives.

Pete: Yeah, you can’t tase ‘em.

Lara: Yeah, I’m not painting a pretty picture right now. None of this is stuff that I want to have happen. But like –

J.P.: What if a boulder rolls over and your arm gets stuck between a boulder and a wall and you've got to cut your arm off?

Pete: You have to. James Franco it.

Lara: I'll be glad I have that tiny paring knife.

Pete: Can I further critique just because I care about you?

Lara: Sure.

Pete: There's a lot of -- you can get a taser that's a projectile. That you want. Any of these things where you have to be up close and personal. That's why I like your pepper spray. That's kind of the only one I like. But you're really gonna be coughing and snotting, too. I'd rather see you go on to Amazon.com and they’ll ship it to ya. You get a taser that that shoots – pew -- 15 feet, 30 feet, or you buy something like a Byrna, B-Y-R-N-A -- and I do not get money for saying that. It's a projectile gun and to CO2 gun, take a motherfucker out, shoot him in the face.

Pete: Here's why. You won't hesitate.

Lara: What does it do?

Pete: It just shoots these little pellets. The reason you want one --

Lara: I mean, what does it do to the person, not what does the gun do? Does it kill the guy?

Pete: It really hurts. It doesn't kill them, because here's what I'm bringing to this situation. You -- I maybe. Well, I don't know. You're sort of scaring me with your balls thing, but I'm not stabbing anybody.

Lara: Yeah.

(Pete laughs)

Pete: I need a weapon that I have absolutely no hesitation to use.

Lara: Right. And I don't know if I could shoot someone in the face.

Pete: Well, for fuck's sake, Of course not. That's why guns. You're giving your attacker a gun or your attacker already has a gun. And guess what? He's juiced through the roof and ready to shoot you.

Lara: Well, but that’s why –

Pete: You're just waking up. You're dreaming of Colonel Sanders on a hot air balloon, and now you’re going to be fumbling for a revolver. You're just giving him another gun and a reason to shoot you. You need something that you're like, I don't even care if this ends being my Aunt Wendy coming in to surprise me for my birthday, because she's not going to die. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Wendy hits the ground.

Lara: Isn't that a great argument against your BB gun?

Pete: What's that?

Lara: That, what if they have a real gun? What if I shoot them with a B.B. gun and it hurts them and then they shoot me with a real gun because they think they've been shot?

Pete: I agree. But your knife is going to get you filled with lead either way. So at least I'm going to annoy this guy before I'm murdered. And also my BB gun. You know, I’d leave. I have a gun… someone starts raining hellfire down on me.

Lara: You'd stick around if someone tased you in the nuts?!

Pete: How are you going to get close enough to tase him?

Lara: This guy Came to the other side of the bed.

Pete: Yeah, right.

Lara: I'm down there. His nuts are, like, right there.

Pete: Yeah. No, you're standing there crackling that, and he's like, Yeah, bang. Like Indiana Jones. Like the guy with the sword in Indiana Jones. (Yelling) Bang! All you're doing is giving him a signal flare. Shoot over here! (electrical current buzzing) You need some distance. You're not going towards some crazed lunatic.

(Pete laughs)

Lara: So give the adult cat a lot of attention. Are you ready to do another?

Pete: Do you hate this conversation?

Lara: Yes, of course! It's all my worst nightmares being played out.

Pete: But I'm trying to help.

(Pete laughs)

(Musical sting)

Caller: Hey, Lara. So as a comic who's working a job, you know, beating the pavement, going and doing shows and traveling, I have a hard time staying on a schedule, you know, eating healthy, getting to the gym and just, you know, downright treating myself right better than I could be.

Pete: Downright. All the live long day.

Caller: Although I was wondering if you had any advice for a young, struggling comic like myself.

Pete: What a great question. Thanks for your vulnerability. We've all felt that way. I still feel that way.

Lara: Really?

Pete: Sure. I don't want to take a swing, but –

Lara: Take it.

Pete: I would share. Yeah, I'll share.

Lara: That's. That's the ask. You know, I remember Tommy Johnagin did my podcast and he was like, you have to lean into the simplicity of the road.

Pete: This is when you're on the road, and I've started doing this, when you're on the road, you don't have to eat. I'm not I'm not saying everybody. I'm saying for me, you sleep in. It's like 11 a.m. Show’s at like 7 or 8. It’s 11 a.m.. You can probably go to 2:00. What Tommy said, he was like, have a fruit cup, get to the club. So, what I'm saying is there's this. The overwhelm of schedule to me is resolved by being on the road. I get gearshift paralysis. I don't like days where I have to do lots of different things. I like one thing, and that's a huge it's a stoic thing to do one thing and do it well. When you're doing the road, that's what you do. All I have to fucking do is get to the show at 8:00 and be in a good mood. Be in like a playful, fun, silly mood. What does that mean for me? I figured out I have to go to the gym. I have to. All I do at the gym is I walk uphill on a treadmill for 30 minutes. That's all I do. But that's I'm not doing it to be ripped. I'm doing it as an antidepressant because this is this is sound advice. I'm going to change the name of this to SOUND ADVICE. 30 minutes of heart elevation is the same as taking Prozac, which is insane because Prozac is a very strong drug. So you're taking an SSRI by walking for 30 minutes. So I do that, I eat dinner, I go to the show. Oftentimes that's the only meal I'll have because it's so simple. Most of it is sleeping, lounging around, self-care, fucking baths are taken. Naps, unnecessary naps. I'm watching Fucking Top Gun, Maverick. Yeah. Then I exercise, then I eat, then I do the show, and then this isn't what he asked. But afterwards I tell myself that the. The biggest win you can do is not eating again after the show, because I'm a huge -- once I get stage cocaine in my blood, I'm like, all Holmes-y deserves every dessert.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And I go, no, because if I do that it's almost like the terrorists won. If I talk to my mom and she, like yesterday, she just makes me angry. I go, fuck that. I'm not going to also eat a pint of ice cream because that means she won. You have to get this real, no, fuck that. So there's like, an aggressive way of doing it. Anyway, that being said, I think it's helpful to have two modes. You have your day mode, regular non traveling comedian mode. That's one routine. Then let the road be a different routine. Like it doesn't have to be the same exact routine. But I think if you can marry that to what helps you perform the best, like it's really easy to get in the gym before a show, because it makes the show 75% better. At home, it's much harder to exercise because I'm like, I don't really need to not be depressed. I can be a little bit depressed, you know? You know what I mean? Like, this works a little depressed or a little blue or whatever it might be. So that's my first swing. Yeah. Two different routines and the road routine is very simple, very lean. One thing, do the show two things. Go to the gym. Three things probably don't have to eat the entire day.

Lara: That's so funny because I was going to give the exact opposite advice in the same spirit, which is being kind to yourself and keeping it simple, but I am a very routine oriented person and I look forward to all of the individual parts of my routine. So, I'm usually waking up at about the same time as I would on the road, eight in the morning. Yeah, well, and eating breakfast, meditating, doing my reading and writing, getting some physical exercise. I walk to, I walk to the mall by my house pretty much every day. Unless I have something. And I do that when I'm on the road, I look up like, what's the closest place to walk? And so I'll walk for about 40 minutes.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: To a place and back. And so my day kind of just fills itself in naturally with the things that make me feel good and it does the same thing on the road. And the only like schedule difference is I try to get in a nap from like 3 to 4-ish.

Pete: Late afternoon nap.

Lara: Yeah, so that I'm my best.

Pete: Yep.

Lara: So that I'm not tired during the shows.

Pete: Yep.

Lara: And I might have a cup of coffee around then also, which I would never dream of doing at home.

Pete: Samesies. Yeah. It's interesting I think only because you'll enjoy this. I really “Beitz it” on the road and Val knows this and if I were here, I'm not. I'm not talking shit. She just knows. It's like I don't want to meet your San Francisco friends for dinner.

Lara: Of course not.

Pete: And I don't want to go on a day trip. And it's not uncaring and it's not unkind. But, you know, it took a lot of work for me to get to a place where I was like, and luckily I have the excuse of the show, but really, we should be doing this for ourselves emotionally --

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And physically all the time. But having a tour schedule, I, I just get to go like I'm doing something that is very difficult and that means if the show's at eight, I want to be there at seven, which means I want to eat at six, which means I want to work out of five. And you should have that when you need it in all aspects of life.

Pete: I learned it because stand up demanded it. But then you get into a place where in healthy relationships, healthy friendships, sometimes you just go like, I have to cancel this, because I don't have a show, but I have an internal need that needs more of my energy and needs me at my best.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And stand up taught me needing to be in a certain state at 8:00 to do my job. Help me learn when I'm not in that state, just to live my life to go the most loving thing you can do is sometimes just be like, No, like I can't, I can't. And Val completely understands that. And all my friends that live in cities that I talk to, no, I don't want to meet before the show. I'll see you for 10 minutes after the show.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Because I'm not here, right? I'm not here for leisure. I'm, you know, you'll enjoy this. You've probably heard me say it. I'm like, I'm an assassin. I have a briefcase with a sniper rifle in it, so I'm not going to the hotel pool with you.

Lara: Right. Right.

Pete: Because I have black leather gloves and I'm going in a bell tower because I'm here to kill the senator.

Pete: You know what I mean?

(Both laugh)

Lara: That's a little more aggressive than I would say, but the language that I like to –

Pete: The Senator is the audience. The bullets are the bits, because the briefcase is my notebook.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: You get it.

Lara: I understand. I understand.

Pete: For the one person watching, listening, that was like, I think Pete's going to kill us, Senator.

(Lara laughs)

Pete: Keep going.

Lara: The language that I like to use with people is I'm getting ready for work. I have to work tonight. I can't. I have to work. I have to get ready for work because people respect and understand that. And people don't really have a framework for like what a show requires of a person and what it is. And it's a huge I mean, your body goes in to fight or flight, which most people's I mean, don't throughout the day or, you know, going to work unless they have a presentation or some you know, they're obviously exceptions.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: You know, if you're in danger. But it's a lot it's a lot on a nervous system. It's a lot on our bodies.

Pete: And it just requires for me, a tremendous amount of mental focus. I also have to prepare. I have to write my set. I have to work on my jokes. I have to think about it. I have to walk around and talk to myself. Yeah, like I'm busy. There's so many things that you can't control to. You can do all of these things like we did that show recently at a club that I won't mention, but like, like as soon as I got there, I just started getting like these, like to me, like psychic, I don't want to say attacks, but just the little things.

Lara: That was an outrageous experience. And the way that you left that club was so funny.

Pete: Tell me, what do you mean?

Lara: That I almost called you?

Pete: Tell me.

Lara: At the end, when all of the people walked into the room, it killed the vibe harder than any vibe has ever been killed.

Pete: What do you mean?

Lara: put the vibe out like a cigarette.

Pete: We’re in the green and a bunch of people come in --

Lara: Five people walk in.

Pete: Yeah.

Pete: It was you, me, and the Sklars (Sklar Brothers).

Lara: And I said –

Pete: Decompressing. So I said to them, I go, What is this? Do you remember that? I go, What? What is this?

Lara: You said that. And then you stood up and said, well, I'm going to take off and you walked out. You were gone so fast. (laughs) And it was awesome. And I totally --

Pete: Yeah. That was a Bitz. Yeah, I Bitzed that.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Because, you know –

Lara: ‘Cuz get the hell out.

Pete: It's enough. It's enough. That was enough for that.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: But that, that place was this has happened a lot of places where you're working somewhere and they don't recognize you that I'm almost used to that, that's normal. But I will say what I can't normalize is you're like, you're coming in here to feel like you own the place, so anything like a hello? Hello? Oh, we’re expecting you. We're so sensitive. I'll just speak for myself. I'm so sensitive.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: So people making a big deal out of like, I didn't even know who you were! I don't know you were! And then she goes, all these people are here to see you, are you nervous?! And I was like, you know, I understand life is hard and you don't know what to say to me. And I don't know what to say to you, but that did just make me nervous.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: I've never been to this club. And yeah, you just pointed to a group of people and they heard you say, Are you nervous? Yeah, I've been doing this 20 years, and that still kind of freaks me the fuck out, actually.

(Pete laughs)

Lara: Yeah. What got me from the jump and I mean, there were so many, like. Yes to everything you're saying. Yeah, it was when I was in the parking lot, freezing and had to wait for a second person to come and check my ID to verify my identity because they didn't have a list. And it's like I don't expect everyone to recognize me.

Pete: I can't stress it enough. I don't expect it either.

Lara: I don't I don't even I don't need to be the most famous person in the world. But you don't need to rub salt in the wound. I agree by being like I HAVE SO NEVER HEARD YOUR NAME BEFORE and it never stops.

Pete: Lara, I remember I opened for… opened… I was ONE of the comedians on the bill for Dave Chappelle, and I got to Radio City Music Hall, which is 7,000 people, and the staff there was like incredibly dismissive.

(Pete laughs)

Pete: Somebody afterwards made fun of me. They're like, yeah, they work at the fucking back room of Radio City. They're not like, happy to be there. Like they gave me shit. They were like, what do you expect? Like a hello? And I'm like, no, but they took my phone. They like, you know how Chappelle doesn't allow phones? And I know, by the way, this is what we do and we're just talking. I hope it doesn't sound obnoxious, but it was bothersome that I was performing on the show and they still seized my phone.

Lara: Yeah. Yeah.

Pete: And I was like, so I played ball. I wasn't going to be like, What?!

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: So I put it in the bag and they zip it up. Then I get into the green room. I was filming CRASHING at the time and I hadn't been doing a lot of standup. In fact, you'll believe this because you know me, I ran into Chappelle and he was like, how are you, man?! Hey, man!! Got to do my show!! He doesn't talk like that anymore. That's how he talked in the nineties when he was rail thin, but he was like, you gotta do my Radio City show. And my heart sunk because of course you have to, but I was like, I'm not doing sets. So like it was like almost that terrifying. I know that sounds insane, but I was like, this is the 7,000 people that are to see the greatest one of the greatest comedians of all time. And I'm going to go up and what?

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Do 7 minutes!? A minute per thousand people there.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And then I get there and nobody gives a fuck. That's fine. They take my phone, I get my greenroom. One of the reasons I said yes to the gig, because I imagine me and Chappelle and you know, there's Lauryn Hill, she's on the show all in this big green room with, like smoked salmon and a lava lamp, and everybody's having fun. No, you get your own fucking Rockettes dressing room. You're in one of the Rockettes rooms alone. It's as long as the bar in The Shining and twice as scary. And it's alone. I go in with my fucking bagged up goddamn cell phone, scared. Just scared. And I go, well, at least -- this is so funny to me. I go, at least there's a fridge and I open it. Lara, this fridge is dead, man. This fridge -- not only is nothing in it, it's off and has that smell.

Lara: Oh, my goodness.

Pete: There's no water. And then I realize, you know, I haven't done a set in a while, but I warmed up. I'm not an idiot. I did a few spots around town.

Lara: Of course, right?

Pete: And I recorded it to get it just right. Oh, you know, what'll calm my nerves? I'll listen to the set. No, no, you won't, dipshit. It's on your fucking phone that's in an un-openable Ziploc. Looking back, I wish I had Samurai sworded the fuck out of that thing and just ripped it open. Yeah, because Fuck… Rage Against the Machine. (singing) Fuck you. I won't do what you tell me! So what I should have done, but I'm such a fragile Jenga game. You get me just right, old Petey, will swing on a vine onto a battle pirate ship and seize the day.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: But if you get it just wrong, I'll sit there alone in that dressing room and just wait for someone to come and tap me. The show is fine, but like it was, it was an emotional loss.

Lara: Humbling.

Pete: It was humbling. Yeah. And those never stop. So it's not like we should be used to it by now.

Lara: Yeah. Should we take another call?

Pete: Yeah.

Caller: Hey, Lara. I have an interior design question for you. My apartment is pretty bare and boring, so I'm thinking about maybe doing an accent wall, even wallpaper. Is that coming back into fashion? Should I put it up? Um, I don't know. Wallpaper, paint, an accent wall. What do you think? Let me know.

Lara: Pete, I’m jumping in. I'm taken first swing. A wallpapered accent wall seems to be a thing that people are doing. I've seen success with that and I'll tell you how I know, because I follow the home decorating subreddit and those people you can post a picture of a room and they'll give you all kinds of ideas that I never would have thought of if I lived to be a thousand years old.

Pete: For freesies.

Lara: Do I find it annoying? Yeah, I do, because people just seem to have no perspective. They're like, this backsplash is the absolute bane of my existing house. And I'm like, have you seen the earthquakes that just happened in Turkey and Syria? Who gives a shit that your backsplash is olive green, you self-centered bitch, so it's not a place I personally spend a ton of time. And that's also not what I'm trying to say to you. You know, you got a white apartment, you gotta tack something up on the wall--

Pete: You kind of did just say that.

Lara: I didn't mean it in that way and we can cut it out, you know?

Pete: Don’t you dare cut it out.

Lara: But I mean it and I just mean when people are you know, this is this is a question where it's like, hey, I'd like to do something nice with my space. That's fine.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: But there's no drama to this question. This person's not like,

Pete: Oh, I agree. I if this person asked you this question at a party, I'd be like, I think they like you like that’s clearly. Like somebody’s just like, I need an excuse to talk to Lara, Oh, hi, Lara, uh… wallpaper.

Lara: My walls--

Pete: Because if someone said that to me and I'm happily married, I'd just be like, you need to go.

(Lara laughs)

Pete: I'm married. Go. Like, this isn't working. It's not a good meet-cute.

Lara: Right. Right.

(Pete laughs)

Pete: But I also take only for fun issue with what you're saying, cuz I see people on Instagram or whatever being like, oh, they're people that don't have clean water or they're all these horrible things. It's a horrible place. There's so many things that are horrible. Why are you upset about this?

Lara: I know, I take issue with what I'm saying too, and I don't know just believe that. Just for fun. I know. I know because I know you, But I think you do need to green light -- I don't think you're ever upset for the reason you think you are and that wall -- that white wall -- isn't a white wall to you.

Pete: It's the manifestation of an interior problem and fixing it, can help get the works moving in your emotional life, in your spiritual life. You're working with what you're working with, but that wall might be your unloving mother, might be her withholding father. It might be your inability to stick to something or commit to something or make something work. It's your attempt at controlling the reality that you're talking about that involves home intruders and earthquakes and all this stuff and clean water not being available, so your shit is your shit and that's a huge, huge piece of advice I give everybody, which is like, don't believe the hype that people are like, how can you be worried about that? Don't you know what's happening here, here or here. It's like, Sure, but like your shit is your shit and it's okay. You don't have to apologize, because you're dealing with a tip of an iceberg. Why does it matter so much? Like Val likes cleaning the house more than me. It's not about a clean house. It's about order in a universe. It's about you -- I'm not saying for Val -- it's about a fear of death. It's about a fear of chaos. It's a fear of the unknown. I want to control the space. When I do this podcast, I move this cup. I just make my own. If that relieves my anxiety, that's okay. We can't say, oh, Pete's worried about where his cup is or or, how comfortable the chair is. How could he be thinking about that? Dude, we're all in a fucking weird situation and we're all in a lot of different setups and it's okay to admit what's bothering you. I had a phone call with my mom yesterday, really bugged me. And if I called a friend and they were like, have you seen the earthquakes? I know you wouldn't, but I'd be like, what do we – I'm just talking about what came into my car's speakers. Yeah, like that was very immediate. And when it bothers me, it's actually it's greater than the sum of its parts. The issue that it brings up. Yeah. Is that makes sense. Yeah, it makes sense. Where did you go?

Lara: I went a few different places. I think that part of my resentment comes from the fact that, like, I would love nothing more than to be able to own a house and manipulate a backsplash.

Pete: You can't paint in an apartment? You can paint in an apartment.

Lara: I don't even have a backsplash.

Pete: I don't even know what a backsplash is. What's a backsplash?

Lara: It's the tiles that go, like, behind your stove or your sink.

Pete: Yeah, I hear you, but you can paint.

Lara: And also, I think that I'm talking to this person the way that I'm talking to myself right now, because I'm going through some personal stuff and I think being kind of hard on myself, you know, I'm going through a breakup right now and that's like something that keeps coming up during my meditation is that I'm just like… but I'm not in I'm not trapped under rubble for 17 hours. You know, just what a horrible nightmare that would be. And so then I feel I feel guilty for having my feelings.

Pete: Yeah. No, I if I may, Beitz it for you. Come on, man. You know what I mean? It's not helpful to go, you know, we could go thousands of years in the past, and you're like, my husband left me and be like, well, Genghis Khan just spooned this guy's heart out or the whole town watched, like. Alright, Dale. There is a guy named Dale in Mongolia. All right, Dale, I'm just, like, owning your shit. So when you're hearing this guy domesticating, this is what I mean.

Lara: Now I feel ashamed that I said that because that's not my, like, philosophy. Like, I agree with you. And that's what I would expect myself to say to someone who just said what I just said.

Pete: Yeah, that’s what we do, we just remind each other. It doesn't mean you forgot. You're in a trauma right now. You've been hurt right now. So especially somebody talking about what I forgive me if I'm wrong or tell me if I'm wrong and there's a good chance I'm wrong. This guy goes, should I have an accent while in my apartment? And the hurt part of you goes, there's a jealousy that, that's your problem? I just had my heart broken. You know what I mean? When my wife left me when I was 28, people would be like, I don't know, should I get this company has glass bottles of water and have plastic, but it's cheaper. But they're lighter…

Lara: And you're like, why don't you go fuck yourself.

Pete: Yeah, exactly. And you're like, yeah could you let yourself on fire?

Lara: And that response was truly not about that guy, it was about the people on Reddit and I honestly think that if you looked at the subreddit, you might understand a little bit of what I'm talking about.

Pete: Sure, I'm sure. I think, yeah. There's a jealousy, though, for me when I'm going through something, it's like, you know, if you're dealing with an illness or something, if you have something, you're sick and you just see people, it's like it's a deathbed cliche. That you're like, Why are you fighting with your cousin? Yeah. I'm like, Don't you see that this is fleeting and precious?

Lara: You know, I'm grieving and I definitely have noticed that internally, not verbally, but internally I'm having a harder time right now holding space for stuff that my friends are going through.

Pete: Of course.

Lara: But then I feel like enough time has passed. Like almost a month has passed, so I feel like my time is up, you know, like I can't be the focus of every conversation forever, obviously. And so and stuff comes up for them, especially since they've been there for me. I'm like, well, I need to listen and I need to support and stuff when really I'm just like, I am still so sad, right?

Pete: And that's what therapy is. Therapy is paying who makes a promise not to stop being your friend.

Lara: Yeah. And I do.

Pete: And even if you want to talk about this -- I know you do -- but talk about the same thing over and over, because friends do have a limit, it seems.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: When my first wife left me, I remember my therapist was like, it's like you have a bite of a shark. Like you torso has a huge negative space in the shape of a shark bite and people are just like, you know, I want to work in the valley, but it would be like, a lot closer… and you’re just like, I HAVE BEEN BITTEN BY A SHARK.

Lara: Right.

Pete: And that's okay.

Lara: Right.

Pete: I don't -- but, you know, this is something I deal with because what I would do is hole up. That's why alcohol and all these things were difficult for me, because they seemed like these reliable friends. Of course, they're not. It's a fucking fiction and a lie, but, you know, you can find those people, usually other people that it's happened to.

Lara: What do you mean, you would whole up?

Pete: I'm embarrassed by grief, so when my wife left me the first time, it's like clearly the biggest trauma that happened. You know, at that time I went on the road and I was like, this is perfect. I remember thinking that, I was like, this is perfect. nobody's going to see me. Yeah, being sad. And I got in this really weird habit of like, I'd do a show. After the show, I would go to the Walmart because it was all, you know, that part of the road and I'd get a bottle of wine and a pack of American spirits. Sometimes I'd see people from the show. So I started getting it before the show.

Lara: Ohhhh.

Pete: But I’d do the sad. I was so sad and I just didn't know and didn't… I wasn't resourced to find the people that you could… therapy, first of all, but also friends. There are friends that will listen to your shit probably more times than you think. You might be cutting them off a little soon.

Lara: Well, I don't have that much to say about it. It's just. Yeah. Feeling it, you know, the feeling it isn't over.

Pete: And I remember I went to my doctor for unrelated things, and he was like, my wife had just left me. We were together for seven years and he was like, how long has it been? And it was like, It's been four months. He was like, well, give it another two months, and if you're not feeling better, we'll talk about putting you on something. And I was like, you're giving me six months? Like this culture doesn't know what to do with grief, doesn't know what to do with death, doesn't know what to do with loss. Even a lot of organized religion just doesn't know what to do. They sympathize. Most of us don't know what to do. A divorce, a loss, a death, all these different things. But I did think it was funny that the one place that does seem to have an answer, just the people that are like, Oh, I'll give you a drug.

Pete: And I'm like, you know, maybe Japan is on to things with those like rooms where you go in and just smash everything. Have you heard about these?

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: Primal Scream therapy is incredible. You don't need to hire someone to do it, but if you can find somewhere like your car where you can yell, it's fucking fantastic. I know it's like a TV show cliche, but. Or singing. Vagus nerve stuff, activating that.

Lara: Yeah, and the idea of like putting a time limit on it, six months or whatever. And in my mind, I drew a hard line at like, I'm gonna give myself a minimum of 30 days before I consider downloading a dating app or dating a person. And now, we're almost there. And I'm realizing I am not ready, I'm not done. Yeah, grieving. And I want to bring my best self to a new relationship. I wouldn't want to date a guy who cried about his ex yesterday. Yeah, like, I don't want to bring that to the table. I frankly don't want to be with someone who would be attracted to that energy.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: You know, And so but I the progress that I can see in myself is that this time I'm in acceptance of that even though that's not where I want to be, I want to be over it by now.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: But instead I am giving myself at least another month and then I'll check back in with myself and we'll see how I am.

Pete: I mean, you're Beitzing it. Real time Beitzing it, but I mean, like, the only thing I would encourage is it's like there's no set time –

Lara: No, it has to be in months.

Pete: Oh, no, I wasn't correcting you --

Lara: That’s the only rule. I’m kidding, but also kind of not. I don't know why that's comforting to me. I think it's comforting, because it gives me a pillow of space.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: It's nice to know, like, I don't have to actually think about this again and I don't have to make a decision about it. I don't have to come back to this choice, for 30 more days. ‘

Pete: Yeah, that's great.

Lara: So I can focus on doing whatever makes me happy and just keep the focus on myself.

Pete: And you're right. You don't want to hand that over to the next person. But I mean, like some people seem to think they have formulas for how long is appropriate to, like, be out of commission or be sad. And I'm trying to say like, be sad, like just ride it out. You know, I don't mean grind your teeth.

Lara: And if you're really suffering, I mean, you might need help, you might need community, all these different things. But like if you're feeling it and it's manageable, that's okay to greenlight. And somebody said this to me, I forget they were like, this being sad is a little bit like being snowed in. And you, you kind of know what to do.

Pete: You know what I mean? It's not pleasant, but you're snowed in.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: And you can say yes to it.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: In fact, that is. That's the thing I use the most. Which is, yes. thank you. Which is the mantra I try to use for things that I hate. Like sometimes when I wake up in the morning and I have to go to a flight, I'll try to remember the first words out of my mouth are, yes, thank you.

Lara: Before I even got out of bed, my alarm goes off and you say, yes, Thank you. Just sets the stage. Your nervous system just doesn't know what to do with acceptance. It's completely it wants you to resist it and say like, I wish I was over this by now. I wish I didn't feel this way. But if you go like, yes, thank you. And sort of like a Sylvia Plath sort of way, like this is a romantic time in your life. You are sad, Lara. You're snowed in, you're bummed out, you're worried, you're exhausting your friends resources. There will be a time you'll look back on this and be like, yeah, but you knew. You knew how to do it. You know, it's not complicated. Yeah, it is helpful to look at all of the other times when I thought I was going to, like, die of the pain of losing someone, and now I'm like, now I wouldn't even date any of those guys.

Pete: That's right. It's all impermanent. It's all just flowing.

Lara: Well, should we do another call?

Pete: Sure. I hope it's not about an accent or I have no advice for that person. My advice for you if is –

Lara: I forgot you didn't even say anything.

Pete: No wallpaper.

Lara: But you told them it was okay to care.

Pete: You're not allowed to talk to me about wallpaper. That's a boundary I have.

(Musical sting)

Caller: Hi, Lara. I've got something I'm embarrassed to even ask, but I've started a new job, and they want me to travel more and the problem is, I hate airplanes. I don't like flying, and I try to avoid it at all costs. How do I avoid this? Do I talk to my boss or do I suck it up and deal with it? And if so, how do you recommend I get on an airplane?

Pete: Respect.

Lara: What do you think, Pete?

Pete: Well, there's a couple of ways to cut up this turkey, I'll tell you that. One is like, you know, exposure therapy. We're going to get through this. It's time to -- it's time to overcome this. That really depends on how extreme your phobia is, because there are things -- I have to fly constantly. So there are things I tell myself. There are things that pilots have told me. Turbulence doesn't bring down a plane is something I tell myself all the time. It might be frightening, it might be unpleasant, but it doesn't bring down a plane. The physics of an airplane travel turns the air into gel. Basically, it's like flying through Jell-O, it’s like driving on a bumpy road. That's what turbulence is. And it's getting into the physics, getting into kind of understanding it. The likelihood, you know, the probability, all that stuff. Sure. There's also a part of me that wants to be like, you hate traveling. Why are you going to do it for your job? That sounds like a fucking horrible idea, you know?

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: So I don't it really depends on how hurt you are for this job. How much you like this job?

Lara: Yeah. There's more information that I would want to. I'm like, How much more money are we talking? But even then --

Pete: It's pretty rough to be like I’m gonna white knuckle it.

Lara: Right, if you hate it. And my, my -- I'll just share my personal experience and whatever about that is helpful to this listener is helpful. And whatever is not is not you kill the seven. My anxiety around travel has nothing to do with the potential for the plane to crash. I don't think it's going to -- not worried about it at all. I do know I'm going to be in an enclosed space with a shitload of other people and I have never been okay with that. It's gotten better, but –

Pete: Yours is like all the different ways of—

Lara: I’m claustrophobic.

Pete: Oh, okay.

Lara: And so my best solutions for that are just throwing as much money as I can. Yes, to the Delta Lounge. Yes, to the extra legroom, the Comfort Plus or the whatever, whatever the extra like four inches of leg room is. Yes, to Clear, yes to pre-check. Just yes to anything that keeps me out of small spaces. Yeah, as much as possible and just makes it a more comfortable experience. Now, if I did not have to travel at all for work, I would probably travel a little bit for work. But traveling all the time really affects your quality of life if you don't like it. Yeah, I maxed out at about two weekends a month.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: And I don't want them to be consecutive because I'm in a comedy weekend. As long I can be like a Wednesday to Monday.

Pete: I agree. And we're in the minority there. Yeah, Most people that train comes in, they're like, Send me out, baby. I'm like, Leave me alone. Please leave me alone.

Lara: Yeah. I mean, if you haven't done it, you don't know, you know, because it when, when I was opening for you, I looked forward to it every time I was so excited. And now that I'm doing it by myself, like it takes a toll. Physically, something happens when you put your body that high up in the air and then bring it back down, it's it's exhausting.

Pete: I mean, I know this is a stereotype of these there's a reason why pilots drink is because there's just dealing with a lot of stress. I don't know if that's still a thing, but in the eighties and nineties –

Lara: I can’t imagine being a pilot.

Pete: Or a –

Both (in unison): A flight attendant.

Lara: Yesh.

Pete: Had to look for it. I was going to say stewardess. Flight attendant. Yeah. It's interesting. You're -- you might be afraid of the dangers of travel, but it would be a more realistic fear to be like, oh, I'm going to be away, I'm going to be in different time zones and you need to like -- Let's say your fear of flying is mild, my advice to people who have to travel for their work, me being one of them, is you need to learn how to romanticize it and like make it fun. You have to tell a different story about it. So when I'm flying, when I'm traveling, there's like certain movies I watch.

on going around, BLADE RUNNER: 2049

Lara: Yeah. You reminded me of something else that I do, and that's I remember my last day job, which was a real struggle for me.

Pete: Yeah.

Lara: And I think to myself, at least, I didn't have to wake up and go do that. Like, this is my job -- is to sit and watch a movie in this seat.

Pete: If you go from, I have to be alone to I get to be alone, that's a big shift.

Lara: Yeah.

Pete: I get to be alone.

Lara: All right. Thank you so much for joining me, Pete.

Lara: Yeah, you can see Pete on his WHERE WERE WE tour. For cities and dates go to PeteHolmes.com. And if you'd like some unsound advice, send an email or a voice memo to Laura at Unsound Advice podcast. We might feature you in an upcoming episode. Thank you for listening. Thanks for being here, Pete. It was so fun to see you.

Pete: My pleasure. It's great to see you always.

Lara: Before we go, I want to plug another podcast that I've been listening to and really enjoying. Whitney Cummings podcast. Good for you. She has a lot of questions, opinions and a robot. She interviews friends, comics, celebrities, experts, weirdos, and you can listen to that wherever you get your podcasts. Something that always makes me feel better is going out and seeing live comedy. And a couple of my favorites right now are the Sklar Brothers and Tom Papa. You can get dates for the Sklar Brothers through November at Supersklars.com and Tom Papa’s dates at TomPapa.com. We appreciate you joining us so early in this journey. If you liked today's episode, please like and subscribe or follow us on social media and tell your friends. Special thanks to Will Becton at Jett Road Studios for masterminding the production of this podcast and providing us with the engineering expertise. Thanks for listening. See you next time.

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