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4 - Camping for Instant Coffee
Episode 49th January 2025 • Unfuck Your Life: An Audio Drama • Jen deHaan
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Tog tries to go camping to sort out yet another attempt at artisanal foodstuffs and comes to a conclusion about mug texture and why they keep avoiding success. Is it the Sourdough Yogurt instant coffee flavor? Find out!

Also, meet Tog's latest roommate, Erin Bandelbrush.

Credits, contact, and more info

This comedy audio drama / audio fiction series was created, written, directed, edited, and produced by Jen deHaan. It is partially improvised!

Voices:

Jen deHaan (any voices by guests are noted above)

Artwork, logo, and graphics:

Jen deHaan.

Transcript:

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Mentioned in this episode:

The Morbids: Pensive Antics in Literary Nonsense

Literary Nonsense is a genre of its own, and you can now enjoy it as a podcast! The Morbids: Pensive Antics in Literary Nonsense is a new take on the greatest works of literary nonsense and is available wherever you find podcasts. This audio video narration contains whimsy, curiosities, nonsense and strange characters. Join the newsletter and get notified at StereoForest.com. Learn more about the podcast at https://StereoForest.com/morbids

Transcripts

WEBVTT

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This week on the show, Tog tries to

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go camping to sort out yet another attempt

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at artisanal foodstuffs.

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And as they say on the interwebs, you'll

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never believe what happens next.

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You're with Tog Chesterfield here on 101.7

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FM The Grack.

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So what is this show or this thing

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that you're listening to right now?

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Well, I hit rock bottom and because of

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that, I'm trying to pick up the pieces

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and fix up my life.

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And I'm taking you along as I try

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new things out and attempt to get off

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a rock bottom and I don't know, get

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up off the couch too, I guess.

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I fuck your with Tog Chesterfield.

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So welcome to the show.

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Right now it's 5.04 pm.

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I'll be with you here for your commute

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or while you prepare your dinner or awkwardly

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stand in line at the post office hoping

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to get your parcel in before the cutoff

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time because your boss kept you at work

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a little bit too late.

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I'm coming into your ears for the evening

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like a pair of old and comfortable and

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slightly warm polyurethane earbuds.

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So this week I'm going to tell you

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about another one of my attempts to take

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back my life after hitting rock bottom and

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sitting while sitting on that couch a little

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bit too much.

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It's the same couch that I told you

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about in a previous show where the one

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where my old cat Kevin used to whiz

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on when he was still puttering around this

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earth.

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Anyways, this week's story involves trying to go

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camping and sort out a new idea I

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had for instant coffee by the campfire.

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I had this pretty great idea to make

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an artisanal instant coffee after I won a

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giant box of instant coffee tins in one

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of those online sweepstakes I used to enter

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not long after I just hit rock bottom

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and I was trying to strike it lucky

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and get some good food into my kitchen.

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Anyways, in this contest, the one that I

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won, I got to select between regular instant

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coffee or decaf regular or hazelnut or french

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vanilla.

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That was it actually.

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And I thought, wow, is this all instant

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coffee has to offer?

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Well, my bulk bins down the street, I

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checked there too, and they just had the

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regular flavor, the decaf regular flavor, and they

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had the hazelnut and french vanilla.

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And then they had a medium roast of

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the regular flavor and then they had one

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with mushrooms in it or something, which I

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guess was pretty artisanal, but that wasn't a

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really interesting flavor to me at least.

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So I thought, where are all the artisanal

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ones?

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After I had just tried to get into

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artisanal vegan jerky and artisanal sourdough before that,

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maybe try number three would be a charm.

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Artisanal instant coffee just has a ring to

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it too.

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Just there's some kind of ring there to

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it.

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And if it works, maybe instant coffee would

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be my way off a rock bottom and

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into like a thriving local business here in

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Grackleton, making instant coffee and neat flavors for

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my own neighbors.

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Oh, speaking of Grackleton, we need to take

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a quick break.

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But before that quick break, I need to

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tell you that I actually dyed my hair.

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I wanted to get all creative and I

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was standing looking at myself in the mirror.

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Anyways, if you're listening to me on the

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radio, you won't be able to see it

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on the radio, but if you're watching me,

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you YouTube listeners, you can look at it

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right now.

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I hope you like it.

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And one other thing, if you're watching me

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on YouTube, you might see that I always

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wear the same hoodie.

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And I wanted to tell you why it's

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always the same.

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One of you emailed the show about that

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because I'm always wearing the same sweatshirt and

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they were like, why do you always wear

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that same hoodie on your show?

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Well, that's what they sounded like in my

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head.

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And well, that is because I won a

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big box full of sweatshirts when I was

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doing one of those online contest sweepstakes.

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The same one I won the really boring,

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non-flavored instant coffee and same sweepstakes.

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But this one was for the sweatsuits.

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Hello, this is Tog Chesterfield speaking.

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Oh, hey, Tog.

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Yeah, thanks for picking up.

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Oh, no problem.

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Not many people do that these days, actually

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pick up the phone and not leave it

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to go to text or something.

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Or voicemail, I guess.

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Anyways, I'm calling you Tog because you won

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our grand prize, a box of sweatsuits from

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us in the online contest this week.

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Oh, I remember that one.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Anyways, so yeah, that's why I'm calling and

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I'll email you the details of what you

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won and just get your address.

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And okay, pretty much just that.

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I'll get your address, the box that you

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won.

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It's all set.

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I've got it right here by my desk.

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It's all the sizes and colors we have.

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So I just need your address.

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I'll just pop it on there and pop

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it in the mail.

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Is there anything else you need like right

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now for calling me?

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Oh, no, nothing.

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I just I just wanted to tell you

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that I won, you know, voice to voice

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deliver the news myself that I won.

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Yeah.

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Can I give my address right now?

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Tog, how you doing?

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Oh, can I give you my address right

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now?

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Oh, no, no, no, not right now.

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Because like if I get it over the

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phone, I'll probably write it down wrong.

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And then I have to like type it

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in from my right wrong writing.

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And it's gonna send you anyway.

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So I just like to yes, send you

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an email and just pop an email back

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to me with your address.

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And I'll copy and paste it right into

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my, my application that I have.

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Oh, okay.

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We'll just ship right the box.

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They'll print it out.

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And then I'll get it.

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Yeah, I understand it out to you.

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So okay.

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Are you doing anything cool this weekend?

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I really I should be going now.

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I really gotta go.

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Oh, okay.

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Yeah.

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Yeah, I have you know what I am

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taking my dog out for agility this weekend.

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I absolutely Oh, like loves I've been in

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flyball for a while.

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So I just like why don't I try

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agility?

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I mean, he's so good at that.

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And I really should go now.

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Yeah, no, no, no.

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So I'll get this.

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I'll get the I'm gonna send you an

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email.

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I'll send you an email.

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Yeah.

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Later today.

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And then you just send me back that

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address.

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And, and then I just, I got it

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into my software.

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I heard you the first time I heard

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you the first time and entered into the

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software and then I printed out on my

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labeler and then I'm just gonna slap it

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on there and I'll get this out to

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you.

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I got it.

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Right.

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Those sweatshirts they came at a really good

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time because the laundromat the same the one

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that I told you about in my first

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show as one that I go to called

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sheet happens.

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I was using their no name detergent that

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they sold at that place in one of

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those 10 things on the wall, you know,

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the one that you just, you like put

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in your coins and then you pull a

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handle with that toggle and then it pops

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out a little box.

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And so anyways, I use that all the

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time because I liked the smell of it,

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but it actually ended up disintegrating most of

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my wardrobe.

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It just, everything ended up falling apart.

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So it's these hoodies are nothing YouTube.

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Anyway, now let's take a quick break and

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we'll get onto what happened on that big

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old camping trip I went on.

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You're listening to Tog Chesterfield on 101.7

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The Grack and this is Un-Fuck Your

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Life with Tog Chesterfield.

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Un-Fuck Your Life with Tog Chesterfield.

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Back to the show.

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So camping and instant coffee.

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So I had the idea, this idea after

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winning that boring old, plain old instant coffee

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sweepstakes.

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All I could get from my winnings was

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a boring old flavor and that's all I

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could get at bulk bins too.

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So I thought, why don't I make some

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artisanal flavors?

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So I had a few flavor ideas and

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I thought, what better way to test them

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out than to simulate an ideal scenario for

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imbibing instant coffee?

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And that turned out to be camping, I

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found out.

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And I'm, I'm not a camper.

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I know I might sound like a camper

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here, but I maybe look like a camper

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if you're watching me on YouTube.

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But I'm not a camper.

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It's surprising maybe to some of you, but

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I do have a van and I have

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an inflatable mattress that I could just toss

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in the back.

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But I sold my Ford Transit Connect, my

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van to a person who was at the

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East Grackleton Super Appreciation Group after they saw

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it at the picnic, I presented my apology

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letter that you might've heard in another show.

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I got a less expensive van after that

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to replace it.

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So I got a much older van, an

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older new van, new to me, but an

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old van and I could camp in that.

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And it already even had a few camping

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accessories in the back.

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Uh, and I used the leftover cash that

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I saved, uh, to start my own new

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camp flavored instant coffee on the empire.

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I hoped that it would be an empire.

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So most people in Grackleton, they camp near

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the lake, Lake Corncrop.

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It has some fire pits, it's public toilets,

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it's dog friendly.

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And people say the wind there usually keeps

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the mosquitoes away.

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We have a lot of mosquitoes around Grackleton.

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So as all of you probably know, it's,

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it's very popular at Lake Corncrop.

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Uh, even though there's, there's so much mud.

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What's with the mud you guys?

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There's, it's like, it's a lot of, it's

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way more mud than you think of even

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being a lake.

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I had managed to add the flavors to

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my instant coffee, the trial batches, and all

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of them I thought tasted okay.

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When I tested them out in the kitchen

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with a proper mug, uh, all I had

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to do is throw a few things in

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the back of my old new old camping

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van that is new to me, but it

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was an old camping van and pack up

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a few suitable mugs for the instant coffee

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and my new coffee blends to test on

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the road.

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Well, while I was camping, not while I

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was driving, I was going with the roommate

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that the same one you met in the

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last show that I had, Joe Roost.

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Joe actually had the idea to do the

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trip in the first place because I'd never

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camped before.

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I never even thought of going camping.

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Yeah, Joe.

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Well, I think it, I think it actually

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turned out not too bad.

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This, uh, this is my first batch.

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Yeah.

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You know, the only place that I like

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to use instant coffee is while I'm camping.

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You should, you should, you should really test

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them when you're out at the lake or

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in the woods or something.

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I swear to God, coffee actually tastes different.

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Uh, because yeah, no, it tastes different.

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It's something, uh, especially if it's artisanal coffee,

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because you have to get, you know, the

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flavor of these coffees, the flavored coffees, it

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like combines with, I don't know if it's

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the trees or the lake, or if you're

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by an ocean, probably definitely the salt from

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an ocean.

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Well, like I swear to God, yeah, it

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always, it, it like combines in your mouth

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and it just, it tastes different.

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I swear to God, it tastes different.

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Really?

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What?

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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Well, if you're doing flavors, you know, you

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have to, you have to do that because

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the other thing is, is if you're going

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out to the lake or camping or, I

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don't know, it's like an earthquake or something,

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you have to, uh, test it with, against

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that stuff because that's what, when your customers,

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your, your main customers are all going to

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be doing those things.

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Right.

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If they're drinking instant coffee, because you only

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drink instant coffee, like the instant stuff, the

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stuff when you just have hot water, you're

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never doing it at home or anything like

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that.

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I wouldn't think you'd be anyways.

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You have to do it while you're camping

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because it tastes different.

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If you're doing the artisanal flavors, you have

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to be, you know, sitting in the chair

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or wearing the shoes of your, of your

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customers and stuff like that.

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Oh, uh, can we circle back maybe to

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that earthquake thing?

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Like I don't understand.

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Yeah, no, you have to do that.

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You know, my dog, James, when he gets

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a new...

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So Joe is coming out to camp with

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us and Joe is bringing James, their dog,

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along too.

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Since Lake Corncrop, like I said, was dog

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friendly and you should generally camp with a

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dog anyways, I think.

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This might be a mildly hot take to

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you out there, Grackletonians, but I'm going to

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stand by it.

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I packed up all my sample flavors and

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we set out to the lake in my

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new old van and found a pretty good

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spot.

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And I got all set up for the

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evening after a long walk with Joe and

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James, the dog.

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As soon as I got out the first

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sample, my mango banana instant coffee, the mosquitoes,

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they swarmed us from every direction too.

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Suddenly Joe and I and James, the dog,

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we are surrounded by a whole flurry of

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mosquitoes.

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Joe and I tested the mango banana really

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quickly and then we dumped the the coffee.

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It was terrible.

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And not the experiences with the mosquitoes are

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terrible as well, but that wasn't why we

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dumped the rest.

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The taste profile of the mango banana flavor

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was quite egregious in nature.

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But I still have two more flavors at

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this point.

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My most artisanal ones as well.

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Sourdough yogurt instant coffee and what I figured

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would be my signature flavor, Limburger cheese instant

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coffee.

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It was, I looked it up and that's

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considered very artisanal as a flavor, not as

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an instant coffee.

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I'd be blazing new trails with it as

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an instant coffee.

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And the same thing happened again.

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We were surrounded by mosquitoes who actually went

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on the attack that time.

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Our mind review, it was a displeasing to

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vomitous taste profile.

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Joe actually rated it zero out of 10

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on a scale that regrettably started at one.

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I mean, it might be okay.

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Yeah, this isn't good.

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Oh, um, I yeah, I'm sorry to tell

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you like, I think even James probably if

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James was drinking coffee, James was a dog

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like this dog is a dog though.

403

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Maybe it's the mug.

404

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I think the mug is wrong.

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No, no, I don't think it's the texture

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of the mug.

407

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I think probably probably anybody's not really gonna

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like the taste of this coffee.

409

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But I mean, you need to have the

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right mug this this texture like you see

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the texture just isn't right for drinking coffee.

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It's it's in the wrong mug.

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Yeah, no, this is a coffee.

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This is a camping coffee.

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But it's it's a new thing.

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It's art.

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It's artisan.

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No, this is no, this is just this

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is just bad.

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The next morning as we set off, all

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of my sample instant coffee turned into a

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brick with the moisture that tested the limits

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of my packaging.

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The water got in and then it was

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just like one great big cube of instant

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coffee.

427

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So Joe and I set off back to

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our place.

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And Joe took off not long after that.

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It wasn't my potatoes this time or the

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potato incident after I told Joe what happened.

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And it wasn't related to the coffee either.

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Joe just decided to go on a camping

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trip across North America with James the dog.

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And I didn't see them again.

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Except on Instagram.

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I saw them on Instagram, of course.

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But now Aaron Vandelbrush has moved in, which

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is really exciting.

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Oh, right.

441

::

Speaking of exciting, it's time for the weather.

442

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I'm almost getting the hang of this.

443

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Tonight's weather for your drive at five with

444

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Unbuck Your Life is brought to you by

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the West Grackleton Patio Recreation Alliance.

446

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The West Grackleton Patio Recreation Alliance puts ideas

447

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in your noggin.

448

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Get ready for the weather.

449

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The weather for this evening is going to

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be a blustery mess with wind coming from

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the south, the north and the east simultaneously.

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So if you are in central Grackleton, be

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sure to batten down the hatches.

454

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You just learned all about the weather.

455

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And that's it for the weather on your

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drive at five from West Grackleton Patio Recreation

457

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Alliance.

458

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We put the pat in patio.

459

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Unbuck Your Life with Todd Chesterfield.

460

::

It turned out after I looked into it

461

::

upon returning to the townhouse, the instant coffee

462

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was actually attracting the mosquitoes.

463

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They were attracted to the flavors that I

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selected.

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Joe was right.

466

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Mosquitoes aside and mugs aside, the coffee on

467

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its own was or to quote Joe vulgar

468

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and contemptible.

469

::

That's what Joe said.

470

::

Though I really do think that the texture

471

::

of the mug really affects what you drink

472

::

out of it.

473

::

Like how good it tastes.

474

::

It's, it's, it's a texture thing.

475

::

I swear to God is the texture thing,

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but, but the coffee, the coffee and the

477

::

mugs, none of that was really the problem

478

::

or the fix when it comes to un

479

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-fucking my life.

480

::

I've been setting up a whole lot of

481

::

goals for myself lately.

482

::

I was trying to make up whole businesses

483

::

from scratch and fix my happiness and add

484

::

creativity to my life and make new friends

485

::

and learn new skills.

486

::

I didn't know how to do any of

487

::

these things that I was trying.

488

::

I should just be trying to get off

489

::

the couch and pick one thing to fix

490

::

before moving on and not fix everything at

491

::

once.

492

::

Because I think when we try to achieve

493

::

all of the goals and fix all of

494

::

the things all at once, especially when you're

495

::

trying to get off a rock bottom or

496

::

get out of depression, it makes it much

497

::

harder to fix anything at all.

498

::

You're just trying to get your life back

499

::

and maybe find a bit of purpose or

500

::

something.

501

::

Because of that, I'm going to try to

502

::

just get one thing right and feel good

503

::

from that one thing.

504

::

And then I'll try the next thing.

505

::

Hi, excuse me.

506

::

Oh, hi.

507

::

Hi.

508

::

Hi there.

509

::

Yes.

510

::

What's up?

511

::

Thank you very much.

512

::

Okay.

513

::

I also want to thank you cordially for

514

::

the thank you note that you put in

515

::

the room that I will be staying in.

516

::

I just want to thank you for the

517

::

thank you note.

518

::

That's just how I...

519

::

Erin Bandlebrush, by the way.

520

::

Oh, I remember.

521

::

Yeah, I know you.

522

::

So I have a quick, expedious query for

523

::

you at the present moment.

524

::

I hope you don't mind that I am

525

::

interfering in your activities.

526

::

No, that's fine.

527

::

That's fine.

528

::

It happens.

529

::

Good, good, good.

530

::

All right.

531

::

So the query is regarding the refrigerator unit

532

::

that is in the kitchen.

533

::

Right.

534

::

Yes, where fridges go.

535

::

I'm about to place my food items, my

536

::

foodstuffs into said refrigerator.

537

::

I'm wondering if you would like me to

538

::

place those items in the upper region of

539

::

the refrigerator, the upper 50%.

540

::

You said half.

541

::

Yeah, I did.

542

::

Yeah, half.

543

::

You can have the upper half.

544

::

That's totally fine, right?

545

::

Excellent.

546

::

Excellent.

547

::

I'm just curious about the potatoes.

548

::

I was just wondering if you would like

549

::

me to wash the potatoes, those fine looking

550

::

tubers in that refrigerator unit.

551

::

Yeah, they're very fine, but don't touch them,

552

::

please.

553

::

Okay?

554

::

Fair enough.

555

::

Fair enough.

556

::

I'm sorry that I was involved in such

557

::

an incident.

558

::

Oh, one quick query, an additional one.

559

::

I am sorry that I didn't present you

560

::

with the fact that I would be asking

561

::

multiple questions.

562

::

Okay.

563

::

Yeah, you said it would be expedient.

564

::

I was wondering, there seems to be some

565

::

coffee on the counter that has gone bad.

566

::

I wasn't aware.

567

::

No, it's not.

568

::

Would you like me to put that into

569

::

the refrigerator?

570

::

Okay.

571

::

Okay.

572

::

Fine.

573

::

Okay.

574

::

So that's it for this week's episode of

575

::

the show.

576

::

This is 101.7 FM The Grant.

577

::

Stay tuned for Buttertub's bake sale breakdown at

578

::

six about which desserts to make, which desserts

579

::

to avoid, or which desserts to fight over

580

::

at the next fundraiser.

581

::

I heard things get really heated between the

582

::

bakers over Nanaimo bars.

583

::

I think Nanaimo bars are actually not even

584

::

baked, are they?

585

::

You have been listening to Unfuck Your Life

586

::

with Tog Chesterfield, a Stereo Forest production.

587

::

This episode was written, directed, edited, produced, and

588

::

all voices were by Jen DeHaan.

589

::

You can find all show notes and sign

590

::

up to get notified about new episodes on

591

::

stereoforest.com

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