I’m a little fired up on this one, so get ready! Over the past couple of weeks, I’ve read a few different headlines that have gotten me really mad, because these articles want to blame parents for pretty much every societal problem. 

I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. There are much larger issues at play here. 

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• Why so many of the issues being blamed on parents are really not your fault
• The difference between individual and societal issues when it comes to raising our kids
• How to filter which information is helpful or true and when someone is just looking for a scapegoat
• Why I believe we’re all going to be just fine

As someone who works with moms (and parents in general), I see how much time and energy you are investing, how hard you are working at parenting your kids. You don’t have to be a scapegoat.

-------------------------------------

As a mom, you’re making a lot of decisions about your child’s health and education, making appointments, looking at different schools and figuring out enrichment activities. 

You probably internalize that it is your job to have “good” kids, and it’s easy to view your child and their behavior as a result of the work you are putting in. 

I want to let you know that you don't have to pay attention to these kinds of headlines and articles that want to blame parents. You can just ignore them and move on. 

There are much larger issues at play here than individual parents and families. 

The Articles

One of the articles I read on ScaryMommy.com titled A Teacher Says The Problem With Kids Today Is A Parenting Problem shares a statistic that 23% of teachers left their school in 2023. 

In the article, a teacher of 24 years is interviewed and says, “We have raised children to think that they are absolutely the most important person in any room. They are so special that whatever they want to do, or whatever they think, or whatever they say is the most important thing in that moment.”

Throughout the interview, she seems to be holding parents responsible for classroom behavior, but she also goes on to say, “Let’s reevaluate our family cultures, our community cultures, and our larger society cultures.”

Another article from the LA Times, Millennials gave birth to ‘Generation Alpha.’ Are these kids already doomed?, says that this next generation (born between roughly 2010-2024) are already widely being called “feral”, “illiterate”, and “doomed”. The article goes on to blame bad parenting by millennials, tech companies or both.

These kinds of headlines are so discouraging to parents who are doing the best they can, often under really challenging circumstances.

There are so many things outside of our control. For example, tech companies and the decisions that they make or curriculum and use of technology in schools.  

We also had no control over the pandemic. Of course there is going to be an effect and a delay in social and academic skills when much of society was shut down for 18 months during the early years of these kids’ lives. 

Sometimes, no one is truly at fault. It’s just a crappy situation that we’re trying to work through and figure out. And it’s not fair to put that blame on the parents.

Screens in Our Society

The LA Times article also references, “the iPad kid is a child who cannot sit through a restaurant meal or a brief ride on the bus or whatever without mainlining YouTube from a tablet in a plastic case,” and wants to blame parents for overusing technology and screens. 

Moms often ask me how much time their kid should have on screens. And while I have so ideas about what I think are healthy rhythms for screens, I can’t make that decision for you. I can’t tell you not to give your kids screen time when you’re busy, overworked and just trying to get dinner on the table. 

It comes down to your capacity. Because when you set limits, you have to also be able to follow through on them. You have to be ready to handle the big feelings that come when it’s time to turn off the device or when you say “no” to more screen time. 

Maybe you need better screen time limits, and it’s also true that there is a ton of programming designed for children, it’s easy to access, parents are overworked and overstressed and screens are used more and more in the classroom, too. 

Ultimately, we cannot take a societal issue and turn it into a personal one, putting the blame on individual parents. 

If we want to change the way our kids use screens and interact with social media, we have to start making pledges as a society to wait to give kids access to these things. 

We don't let kids drive cars until they're 16. We don't let kids drink alcohol till they're 21. We have decided, as a society, that certain things are okay for grown ups and not okay for kids. We have figured out some of these problems in the past. 

Screens are something we’re still figuring out, and some of these choices need to be made at a community or societal level in order to work. 

Stop Blaming the Mothers

The issues that we see with kids in school, public settings, etc. are, in my opinion, not really about parenting. They’re more about our society and the situations that we are experiencing as a culture. 

It’s possible that some of these issues come from permissive parenting or an overindulgence in emotional coaching without limits and consequences. 

But I think most of it has to do with the almost existential stress and burnout culture we have in our society. We're saying that the kids aren't okay; the kids are a mess. Well, adults and parents are also a mess. 

We're living in a society that's very overwhelming and puts a lot of pressure on parents to make money and have a nice house and have well-behaved kids and give them all the opportunities so that they can get ahead. We’re worrying about our kids getting into good colleges before they even start preschool.

And this type of parenting we’re doing - emotional coaching our kids while allowing for big feelings and still holding them accountable for their behavior - is challenging. 

We’re in an experimental stage of figuring out how to raise emotionally healthy, responsible kids without fear and shame. It requires a lot more bandwidth than more traditional parenting models. It requires you to be calm, which is hard when you’re overwhelmed and stressed.

In the end, being told it’s your fault is not helpful. 

When you see articles like this and headlines that blame parents, check in with yourself. Ask, “Is this valid? Is this an actual parenting issue? Or is this more of a societal issue that someone is trying to find a scapegoat for?” You do not have to be society's scapegoat.

I want to leave you with this: People have been saying this stuff about kids for generations. Every generation is worried about the generation that's coming up, and somehow every generation figures it out, finds their way and becomes responsible. 

Every generation has something to offer and every generation struggles with something. It's not parents' faults. It's the way that society works and moves forward. We can trust the big picture that it will work out. 

Do your best, Mama. That’s all any of us can do. Give yourself lots of compassion and grace and love as you work toward your parenting goals. 

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn: 

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
• Learn about the different parenting programs at www.calmmamacoaching.com
• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips 
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Alright. Welcome back to become a calm mama, and I'm already

laughing. I'm Darlene Childress. I'm your life and parenting coach

and the host of this podcast. And I'm already sort of laughing about

this episode because I can tell it might be a rant,

which I'm not even sure I've ever done an episode

that's, like, kinda ranty or, you know, where

I'm a, like, on fire and I have a lot to say. But I

have a lot to say right now. I feel a little

bit fired up because the last couple of

weeks, I've read a few different headlines that have

really got me mad. So the first one that I

read was from the LA Times, and it was, like, kind of the end of

March. And it says the title, the headline

is a gave birth to generation alpha.

Are these kids already doomed?

Okay. Oh my gosh. It goes on to

have, like, a note that says, I need to ask

a, why are your kids so awful?

Okay. And then I read another

headline, and this is from scary mommy. And it was just this past

week, which actually so is the big mid

A, because this episode is gonna come out in, mid

May. But the the the

headline was a teacher says the problem with

kids today is a parenting problem.

And I see these headlines all the time. And I'm

just really upset because the

moms I know, the moms I work with, the moms like you

who are listening to this podcast, the moms and dads

who are really working hard at parenting their

kids and spend a lot of time and energy investing

in their parenting are then being

blamed for, like, every societal ill.

And these both of these topics, put sorry. Both

of these articles say, you know, the parenting problem or,

like, millennials. But we all

know that most of the time,

parenting is mostly

about the mom. Right? Like, I know that dad's

a, I'm not, you know, trying to ignore or discount the

contribution that dads or other co parents make.

A, primarily, the mother is making

decisions about, you know, education and learning about

different philosophies and, you know, talking to the doctors

and making the appointments and figuring out enrichment and

even choosing schools and things like that. You're talking about it with your co

parent, but most of the time, you're making the decisions.

So, also, as women and as moms, we tend to think that,

like, the children and their behavior is a result

of, like, us. So we already internalize that this is our

job to have, quote, unquote, good kids. And then we read these

types of headlines, and it's like, okay. I'm

doing everything I can. I'm spending all this time, all this energy, all

this focus, all this money. And

you're still telling me that I'm fucking up? Like, what?

And it can be so discouraging. And

I just wanna frame this conversation

because I don't think it these issues are a parenting

problem. I don't think that the issues, if we are even having

issues, we can talk about that. But the some of the things that are

happening with kids in school or in, you

know, public settings, the, quote,

unquote, problems with behavior

and young kids is much less

about parenting itself, but more of our

society and the situations that

we are experiencing as a culture. So

it's interesting because this first, the scary mommy one about the

teacher. The reason why this article came up is because

the a Penn study, like, Penn State study found that teachers

are leaving their jobs at higher rates than nurses and police officers.

That 23% of teachers left their school in

2023. So that's the stat that is creating this

conversation. And then this one teacher who has 24 years of

experience, A Consiliatory,

goes on TikTok and says that the problem is

that we have raised children to think that they are absolutely the most important person

in the room. This is a quote. They are so special that whatever they wanna

do or whatever they think or whatever they say is the most important thing in

that moment. And she says, you

know, no no one is ever the most special person in the room at

any time. Nobody is because we live in a society. We all have to get

along. We have to respect one another. And part of respecting one another is

recognizing when you have a contribution to make and when you need to sit and

open your ears. And she's like, we've missed that.

And then is, you know, holding parents responsible

for classroom behavior.

It's funny because she went on to say, let's reevaluate our family

culture, our community culture, and our larger society culture

because this is not working. Now I

agree with Lisa Consolatory,

teacher, revered teacher for 25 years,

that we do have some issues

that might be impacting our our children.

And maybe some of it is permissive a, possibly, maybe an

overindulgence in terms of emotional coaching. But I

think most of it has to do with just the

almost existential stress and burnout culture we have.

That the the thing that parents are coping with is,

like, we're saying, oh, kids aren't okay. Kids are a mess. Well,

parents are also a mess. Adults are a mess. We're living in a society that's

very, very overwhelming. And it feels like there's a lot of

pressures on mom. Well, there are. There's a lot of pressures on moms

and dads to make money and have a nice house and have

well behaved kids while also give them all the opportunities so that they can get

ahead and, you know, be, have advantages so they

can get in college. And we have, like, this, like, you know,

preschool to college, you know, funnel, right, where it's like we have to

start now in order to prepare them to get into good colleges. And so there's

just a lot of pressure. And then we have our

kids, and there's the pressure of, you know, emotional coaching

them while allowing for big feelings. That is

hard. The type of parenting that we are trying to do

is challenging. It requires more bandwidth

than we normally would need to parent kids Become

in the past, you a be like, stop it, shut down their feelings,

Shame them and get them to listen. And none of us wanna do

that. Even teachers don't wanna do that. So we're all in this experimental a

stage of raising kids without using fear and shame and trying to figure

it out. That's why I talk a lot about setting

boundaries and following through without shame, but actually following through

with consequences so that you can give your kids both the

emotional coaching piece and the personal responsibility piece so they can go

thrive in society. But that requires

you to be calm. It requires that

you don't feel overwhelmed and not stressed and all

of that, right? Become we can't give what we don't have. We can't coach our

kids through their big feelings when we're overwhelmed. And if we

have consequences and we set limits and we have consequences,

our kids are going to get mad. They're gonna have big feelings.

And we have to have the bandwidth to manage yet again another

meltdown. So I feel like

the the idea

that all the problems in today's society are because of parenting

or parents being, what, lazy or, you

know, not paying attention or, you know, too

permissive. It's like, no. That's not what I'm

seeing in my practice a, you know, listening to you guys talk to

me who are on the podcast and, you know, who who reach out to

me. It's like you're really working at it a

and trying to figure out how to do it in a way that isn't

shaming and painting. Right? So this the

other thing, like, the the new LA Times article was

really interesting to me because they're like

it's like k. Generation alpha is kids born

between roughly 2010 a the end of 2024.

So that kind of, you know, era. So, like, my kids are

gen z because they were born in a and

06. But then if you have a kid who

is under 14, they are gen alpha.

So a to the to to now to end of 24.

So there's this there's a quote, the quote from the article from the LA Times

article. There are already concerns that the kids aren't alright.

They're wildly being called feral, illiterate, and

doomed on YouTube and TikTok. And then

a the article goes on to say, blame bad

parenting by millennials or tech companies

or both? Okay.

Blame parenting or tech companies. Like, this is a a

huge difference. Right? Like, we

as parents, we have no control over tech companies and

the decisions that they make. And we also,

as parents, had no control over a pandemic,

over the fact that schools shut down, that preschools

how kids aren't okay. And one of the major, you know, measurements that

this article uses is illiteracy a,

you know, blaming parents for illiteracy. And it's

like, wait a second. For 1, it's not really it's

always been kind of the job of the schools to teach kids how to

read. We we supplement and reinforce by

reading to our kids and practicing and singing the alphabet and, you know,

doing some things. But really, like, our whole system is

based on outsourcing education to an educational system.

We pay for it as a with our tax paying dollars or with our private,

you know, private school dollars a

parents go to work or they take care of their homes or they take care

of younger children. We have a system in our society that says,

hey, parents, guess what? We're gonna take over this aspect of

child rearing called education. But during the pandemic,

the school system was, like, actually, no. I know we have

a contract, like a, you know, social contract that

schools handle education, but we're gonna just change that contract and have kids

stay home and you be in charge of making sure that they learn how to

read while you're working, while you're handing a handling a global

pandemic, while you have younger kids at home, while you have multiple kids at home.

Like, it was cuckoo, and it was ineffective.

And now we're in the result of that time period. So if you think

about, kids, you know, kids who

are born in 2019, they're 5

now. That means the first two plus years they

experienced at home only. So they weren't being socialized.

They weren't having play dates. They weren't doing, like, little mommy and me

classes. Kids who are 7

now, they were like 4 or, you know, what during

when the lockdown hit. And so they also

didn't go to preschool. It's like, what do we what did we think

was gonna happen when we shut down society for 18

months in some places like Los Angeles or other big cities, what did we

think was gonna happen to our kids? Of course, there's going to be

delay. There's going to be,

you know, consequences of that

massive decision. And now that we're in that consequence, it's like, oh, it's

a' fault. I just I don't like it. That's why I'm kind of

ranty because, like, it's not really fair. And

we've also blame parents for overusing

the iPad or overusing devices. That's another part of this

article in the LA Times. It's like, quote, unquote, the iPad

kid is a child who cannot sit through a restaurant meal or a

brief ride on the bus or whatever without mainlining

YouTube from a tablet in a plastic case. That is a quote

from this article. And

it's like, okay. So these kids were at home, stuck

at home with working parents. They were doing school online.

So on tablets, literally, the school gives you a

tablet. They give you a Chromebook or they give you an iPad or whatever it

is. And then they say, you know, it's

your fault that your kids really like the iPad. It's your fault

that when your kids are in my classroom, they're bored

because they're so used to being on the iPad.

Is there some truth to the fact that maybe you need better screen time

rules? Maybe. But we can't

blame an entire generation of parents for a societal

issue where there's just so much

programming designed for children. It's easy to access.

You have parents who are overworked, overstressed,

and not great Childress. We don't have access to easy childcare.

We are in an economic migration

period of time where people are migrating away from their

parents and their extended family in order to look for work.

So people are leaving where they grew up in order to go to

cities and things like that so they can get, help, like, so they can

make money. So we have these, like, big issues.

We have financial issues. We have, you know, economic

polls. We have tech issues that are coming into our

family. And as a

society, we are a. And in

we cannot take a macro problem, a

societal problem, a cultural issue, and turn it

into a personal a, an a.

This is because of individual parents. It's not

fair. It's just not.

I keep thinking about how, like,

are are our kids overreliant on iPads

or on tech? I don't know. Over a

is a strong word, but it is

true. If your kid has spends a lot of time

outside of school in an

environment where they get to play on their iPad a lot or watch TV a

lot or, you know, watch all these fun shows in YouTube and things like that.

Those are designed to be very easily digested.

Right? They're like candy for the kids. Right? Just like it's

easy a they crave it. They want it.

And when they get it and they have access to it very

easily, then that means at school, they have harder time paying

attention because it's not as exciting. They haven't trained their brain

for boredom. They haven't trained their brain for discomfort. They

haven't trained their brain for long periods of, you

know, listening because the stories are

built, you know, for a a shorter attention span.

So, yes, that is true.

But then you look at a parent and parents are asking me and they're asking

other a, how much time should my kid have on the iPad?

What you know, Darlene, tell me, is it okay for them to use it before

school? Is it okay for them to use it after school? Can I should I

put limits on it? Should I only have them do it on the weekends? And

I, of course, have some ideas of what I think is a good

rhythm and a and a healthy system, but I would

never wanna tell a busy, working

single mom of 3 kids that she can't

use an iPad while she makes dinner and helps her 5th grader with

homework because she's in a

system that is so overwhelming that

that just puts more pressure on her.

So we we do need better guidelines,

but we also need better support so that

people can actually put those into place. When

I teach limits in my programs, I often will

talk about a. Like how much capacity

do you have to follow through on this routine or this a?

Because in a, it's not just saying no. It's

handling your kid's big feeling cycle when they when you say

no, when they get upset. And

whenever you set a limit, your kid is gonna have thoughts and feelings about

it. That's just how it works. And now in an

older system, a traditional system, if you're like, hey, cut it out. No

crying. Shut that down. I don't wanna hear

it. That's enough. Don't talk back. You're being disrespectful.

If you shut all that down, then sure, your kid will

probably not have a big feeling cycle. But we are trying

to live in a society or to build a society where it's okay to

express your emotion. But then that means you need to have someone who's

around to hear it, and that's hard.

So I'm ranting because I just want you as the

listener of this podcast, especially it's called a a calm mama.

So it's like here's another thing I've gotta do. I just

want you to, like, do your best. I

used to go to this workout class long time ago, and there was this woman.

She only taught on Sunday mornings, and she would, like, set us up with an

exercise. And then in right before we started to do the exercise ourselves,

she'd say, do your best. And I

think about it all the time. Like, I want you

to have goals, like, ideals,

like, you know, in a perfect world, my kid would listen, you know, would

watch TV these days at this amount of time, you know,

and then build towards that with giving yourself lots of

compassion and lots of grace and lots of love.

What doesn't help is being told

it's your fault society is messed up.

It's your fault your kid isn't being well behaved.

It's like we are all

together responsible for raising this next a.

Not one little silo family of 4 or whatever

or a mom and 2 kids, like, enough. If

we don't want kids to be oversaturated

with iPads and do so much education,

then the schools can stop giving them Chromebooks.

The schools can stop using these tools for

school because all they do is create problems for the

families. If we wanna change the way our kids interact

with TikTok and YouTube and not have them be saturated,

then we need to start making pledges as a whole society

that we don't give kids a until they're

in 8th grade. Wait until 8 is a is a, you know,

idea that people are playing with. We

don't let kids drive cars until they're 16. We don't

let kids drink alcohol till they're 21. We

have as a society in the past decided rules that things

are okay for grown ups and things aren't okay for kids. We have

figured out, we have solved problems in the past

as a group, as a society. So it's a

so much easier when you're in a community of people who are

like, we don't like, at school, we don't have we don't let phones come

to school or we don't use iPads

or or whatever it is, you know, Chromebooks and things like that.

At the beginning of the school year, my son is a senior in high

school. I went to open house my last or back

to school night my last back to school night of my life. And

one of the teachers who teaches seniors said to the group

of a, there weren't very many of us there Become a

seniors, but he but he said, I am

not doing a lot of online work anymore

because I found that I could not stop the cheating.

But I also found that at least if you need to copy

something, like, if you copy from your friend with your, like, print

it on a piece of paper, there's some sort of transference

of information. But if you cut and paste, you're not getting

anything. He said also, I don't like it that

I don't interact with the student. I never hand them back their work. I don't

have a piece of paper they give me and then that I give back to

them. Like, there's no transaction here. So he said, I'm

making them have paper that they turn into me and I grade it like I

used to, teacher of 25 years, and then I hand it back

to them and they can see my remarks. And he

said, I just we're we're going back to a less digital

experience in education because they found it's not

really healthy. So it's like we have

technology, but it doesn't necessarily need to be for kids a

it doesn't need to be an individual choice. We need to make choices at the

educational level, at the government level, you know,

in in communities. I

feel like I've just exhaled.

But I do really want you

to notice when you see articles like

this and headlines that blame

parents that you check-in with yourself a you think,

wait a Become. Is this valid?

Is this an actual parenting issue? And how would

you know Become are we really surveying how parents are actually

parenting? Or is this more of

a societal issue that someone is trying to find a

scapegoat for? You do not have to be

society's scapegoat. Women are

constantly, you know, accused of or be

held being held responsible for everything. It's like

if you experience abuse, if you experience, you know,

assault, it's like, oh, were you what were you wearing? Did you see

any of the red flags? It's like, why is it your responsibility?

It should be the person who is the assaulter. It's their

job to be held accountable

for their actions. It's I'm just kind of sick of it.

I'm sick of women being blamed. I'm sick of moms being blamed. I'm sick of

being the scapegoat for societal ills. It's not right. It's not

okay. And, you know, I don't have an

answer necessarily. I guess I had some in this episode. But,

you know, for you as the individual,

I want you to just do your best

and be okay with it. And if you

are struggling and you're overwhelmed and you cannot make heads or tails of this

parenting thing, get help. Come hang out in my

programs. Book a consult with me. Let's talk about it. Let me give you

some guidelines or some support or some, like,

freedom, some permission to relax.

The other thing, I guess, I'll just leave you with is that I feel like

they've been saying this stuff about kids for, like, every generation

says this about the generation that's coming up and it's like

every generation figures it out and finds their way

and becomes more responsible as they have more

a, and we can just trust the

big picture. It's like, I don't know. Gen z is

lovely. Millennials are lovely. Gen x is

lovely. We were like the slackers. We were told we were never gonna accomplish

anything. And it's like, I don't know. We built the Internet

and, like, made a lot of great content, so I think we're pretty cool.

I think millennials are amazing. You guys taught us how to do social media,

how to connect through the Internet. Gen z is

figuring out how to, you know, use these

platforms in totally you unique new ways, how to

communicate in totally different ways, breaking down barriers

around, you know, gender a,

just society. It's great. Every generation

has something to offer and every generation has something to struggle with

a it's not parents' faults. It's the

way that society works. It's the way that history

is it moves forward. So you can

just ignore anything you ever see that's like, parents,

what's wrong with you today? And just keep listening to this podcast

and applying what you learn as much as you can.

This episode is coming out right after mother's day, and I feel like this is,

like, almost like my mother's day gift to you. It's like, you know

what? Everybody else can just quiet down. Just

quiet down. We're doing fine over here. Parents are doing fine. Thank

you. We're doing our best a letting that be okay.

Alright. If you hated this rant, tell me Become I won't do a again. If

you loved it, tell me because then I don't know. I'm just kinda curious.

Alright. I will come right back at you next week with some

really actionable, strategies as I'm always

doing and giving you some really great content. But for this week,

do your best. Alright. Talk to you next time.