Episode Takeaways:

What happens for children when a parent regularly leaves home for work? Could parental absence create experiences that a child experiences as traumatic—and, if so, what can parents do to protect their children and build resilience?

Perhaps you are worried about leaving your toddler for an extended period of time. Maybe they cry when you leave, seem distraught, or struggle when you are away. Or perhaps, as an adult, you are beginning to wonder whether the absence of a parent during your own childhood has had an impact on you.

In this episode, we explore these questions with Barb Varcl-Smith, a trauma recovery educator, speaker, therapist, and creator of the Ascendance Method. Barb helps people understand the hidden survival patterns that shape our thoughts, behaviours, relationships, and identity—empowering them to move from survival into more authentic living.

In this episode, Barb explains:

• The potential trauma that can happen with parental absence
• What a parent can do
• How to build a resilient family life
• If you are an adult, how to recover from any trauma that may have occurred

Contact Barb Varcl-Smith on her website: https://www.your-steps.co.uk/

Barb is also the host of the podcast Way Out of Childhood Trauma and the author of the upcoming book Purposeful Parenting: Applying the Ascendance Method to Family Life.

Contact Rhoda: [email protected]

Receive news regularly on new episodes of HTFA Podcast and on new events and resources. Subscribe to my newsletter.

Buy the book: Holding the Fort Abroad

Your partner's job opportunity in another country seemed like an exciting idea, but lengthy work assignments mean you're holding down the family fort - alone.

OR Your partner is working and living in another country, and you feel like you are shouldering all the home responsibilities alone.

You may be wondering:

• How can we be a family when we're miles apart?
• Can I cope, alone, when troubles arise?

I believe there are answers to the above questions, and the answers start with you. In this context, it's more important than ever to invest in yourself, to care for yourself, to set your own goals and to watch yourself grow. Equally important is to nurture your relationship with your partner and learn to parent together.

Welcome to Holding the Fort Abroad, the podcast for families where one parent works away from home and for those who support them. My name is Rhoda Bangerter, and I help you stay connected across the miles. Barb Varcl-Smith is a trauma recovery educator, speaker, therapist, and creator of the Ascendance Method. And Barb helps people understand the hidden survival patterns that shape thoughts, behaviors, relationships, and identity, empowering them to move from survival into authentic living. She's also the host of the podcast Way Out of Childhood Trauma and author of the upcoming book Purposeful Parenting: Applying the Ascendance Method to Family Life. And of course, today we are going to be talking about how that applies to families where one parent works away from home. So is there any potential trauma that can happen with parental absence, how to prevent it for your children. Like, you may be worried about leaving a 4-year-old for 4 months.

Maybe they're crying and they're distraught. How to build a resilient family and how Barb's framework can help us with that. And if you're an adult, how to recover maybe from any trauma that may have occurred, maybe from a parent who's been away. Barb will walk us through her Ascendance Method as a framework to help us understand what is happening during childhood. So Barb, thank you so much for being here. I'm looking forward to hearing from you.

Oh, thank you for having me. You know, like, it's so important topic you're doing, so I'm really happy to be here.

Thank you very much. So you're a trauma specialist. You've looked into trauma during childhood development years.

Yes.

And how it shows up in adulthood.

Yes.

And how to prevent it, how to recover from it. What can I ask you, like, what led you into this passion and how you came about it?

Oh, because my own childhood trauma, and the part of it was also having one parent not present. Which was that, first of all, I grew up in Czechoslovakia during communism era, and there was the one— there was the moments when my father would be taken away because he was dissident, and he would be taken away by secret police, and we never know when he will come back. So that element of underlying fear of not knowing, that uncertainty, um, was part of it, which I learned back, you know, when you're living in it as a child, you just kind of keep going. You just like, you know, just trying, trying to, to take it as it is. But then when I was 4, my mom had the accident that fall snow on her from the rooftop of the apartment building, um, and it's make her surviving but severely disabled in the first time. So she spent over 6 months in hospital, um, and then even when she was home, she would be quite often, you know, disabled or not able to do everything. And quite often she will be back in hospital for again, like 2 months, 3 months, for quite long term. It wasn't like a 2-day visit.

So that effect of like her being present and not being present and being present, not being, or be threatened that she will, that we know that it's coming, that she's getting worse and she would maybe again end up in the hospital. In the end, um, with everything which is happening and not getting that emotional support or physical support we needed because nobody from family want to have anything with us because my parents were dissident, in the end led to me a physical breakdown. I, I end up when I was 17, I end up in the bed with the chronic fatigue syndrome, which is not just about be extremely exhausted, but it's very painful. You have the headaches, you have this sore everything— joints, muscles. You want to just lie down, but it's actually painful even to lie down. And, um, I— my life just stopped. But— and doctor told me, learn to live with that. You cannot.

You will have to give up on your life to live with that.

Your doctor said what?

Just learn to live with that. We don't know what to do with it. That, that's because they don't know what it— yeah, so, so Western medicine doesn't know what it's— how it's created, and it's kind of diagnosed. They're giving to the people which they have this pain, which they don't know what to do with it. They, they really don't know what the reason behind it, because there is not actually medical reason behind it. The reason behind that is our emotions. It's the trauma. So I was actually lucky, um, I searching and I found um, Silva Method of mind control.

And I was surprised to the level of like really wow that on the first day when I was there and start learning how to working with my subconscious mind, um, I was able to switch off my pain. I was able to recover and I start seeing the reasons my body start telling me my— and I start digging out from my subconscious mind what was actually the reason for that? What the body actually screaming for? Because so, and that really led me on this journey of learning everything is possible around, around mind and body connection and how it's actually even all created and why it is created. And because in my like day job, uh, I was a software engineer, solution architect, so I'm thinking in the systems and patterns. I kind of start looking on all these things, kind of re-engineering. Like, we know what is the result, We know what the symptoms we have, so how they are actually created, they— and how, when it's happened, when they are starting creating, and what is actually that, what we supposed to function without that. Because the most of people actually don't have that experience of working without trauma. The 80% of population have the childhood trauma. And, and so, so that my Ascendance Method is really about restoring that original human innate function of the mind, which we all can.

We can get back to it if we know how. So it's why I'm very passionate about that, because it's really affecting our— not just our relationship, our mental health, but also our, our health, it, you know, physical health, and anything we're doing in life, how confident we feel, which opportunities we go for, if we know who we really are, because usually we don't. And if you're living the purposeful and happy life.

Wow, that's a lot. Wow. I mean, I'm in awe that you figured it out at such a young age and worked your way out of something when you're so physically in pain that sometimes it's hard to think. And then you, you, you got a profession and you figured out how to, to, to to manage the pain and not only manage, but you've managed to actually get rid of the pain or to reverse it. It's, it's, it's, it's amazing. So before we got— we— I started recording, you were saying you're now in Aberdeen. And half the population is, is, is, has got a parent on the oil rigs or fishing. So there's lots and lots of families where one parent works away from home.

And worldwide, there's a lot of parents who work away. Um, you lived traumatically parents being ripped away from you in a way. Um, and that, that can also happen. But I suppose for children that have parents who have a profession, they don't always know where they're— when their parent is leaving. And it could also be that feeling of the parent is, is just gone.

Yeah.

So what kind of— what kind of— is it trauma? Could, like, I know a family that the dad's gone now for 4 months and they have a 6-year-old and she's finding it very difficult. Like, you know, if we spend a little time first thinking about what the potentials are at that age and maybe a bit older also, and then kind of talk a little bit about what parents can do and how they can, because sometimes we feel very Like, we don't know how we can, how we can handle the child's emotions.

Yeah, so the first most important thing is that we actually need to allow children to have that emotions, and we tend to not to. Yeah, so, um, our mind when we are born and our native function, innate human functioning, is that we have the 5 functions of the mind. I call it the 5 pillars of self. It's inner strength, self-love, intuition, wisdom, and purpose. And these need to work in balance. And inner strength is the, the one thing which is kind of holding it together and which is most affected in childhood. Inner strength, it's that feeling inside that we are safe, a feeling that we know where our boundaries are, It's energy. It's kind of flowing through us, around us.

It's part of our aura. And we need it to feel that we are stable, we are calm, we are centered, grounded, and we know how we connect in with the world. But in the childhood, we teaching children to suppress that because we telling them like, don't show your emotions. But that's what is happening is that they start physically suppressing that energy inside of them. And, and they start making themselves smaller. It's taking a lot of energy also to hold it in, and they start stuffing this emotion inside. Because if we— the emotions will come. Emotions are energy, and if we're not letting them out, we're holding it inside, and that energy inside will start turning in the body to something.

It will start turning to the headaches, to the nausea, um, to having often cold, uh, you know, the body Cannot hold it. So try to get some way of get it out. And we starting with the children when they are little, in the moment when you give them dummy. Dummy, it's actually pacifier.

It's—

we pacifying our children since they are born. We telling them shut up. Literally, we telling them, I don't care that you are hungry, that you are tired, you are angry, you are afraid, whatever reason you're crying. We— I don't care. Just be quiet. Hold it in.

Isn't it for comfort? I thought it was like, oh, you know, like you would give a warm blanket to someone who's cold. You give a pacifier to someone who's sad, um, to a child who's crying.

Yeah, but child crying for many different reasons, and you need to actually first listen to them why they crying. Yeah, so first need to be fulfilled their needs, and if child crying because it's sad Or child in that time is not usually so much sad because the sadness telling us what we want. Child crying because it's afraid or because it's angry. So we need to actually deal with that emotions for them and make them safe and make them feel like accept that anger because why they are angry. Angry mean that some, something, it's not right. We teaching them that you're supposed to suppress their anger. Anger is very healthy emotion. We need anger for functioning.

Anger, it's not negative emotions. All emotions are positive, or there is no positivity or negativity in emotions. Anger, it's just misunderstanding. Anger is the protector. Anger will come every time when we are afraid. It will come every time when somebody's stepping over our boundaries. So when the children crying, We need to realize why they crying and we need to ask themselves like why they actually crying. Maybe we took them too long for shopping.

We didn't realize it will take 2 hours and they are tired. They are, you know, and they are crying. So instead of telling them shut up, like end the shopping, leave it there, go back, make them calm, you know, or next time get ready for it that you need maybe juice with you or you need to, you need to. count that you need to do quicker or do online shopping, like change that the way that you adapt for the children. If we— I, I brought up my son without dummy, and there is quite movement in America, the mummies without dummies, because when we do listen to children, we can recognize why they crying. You learn from that connection, mom and child, what is actually happening with them. And, and can listen to what, and then you can deal with that. And what's it mean for them that they learn to manage their emotions because they are allowed to express them.

And they have the right to be angry when we do things which are against their will. They have right to be sad. They have right to be. So for example, when children are sad, which is the most common things which we will see with children, which the parent is not there, there will be ongoing sadness. Which, if it's not dealt with, it can turn to the underlying grieving.

So ongoing sadness.

Yeah.

Which, if it's not dealt with, can turn to the grieving.

So they can get to the level— they can get to the level of depression, social anxiety. It will manifest as depression, social anxiety.

In small children.

In small children. Yeah, they can start withdrawing themselves from, you know, from playing with the friends, or they will switch to the fight mode. You know, they— the one of the trauma responses will come up. So they can go to the freeze mode, which is that like depression, withdrawal, and you know that, or they can go to the fight mode and they will become angry and making tantrums and stuff like that. What is all about that? They just really calling for that attention. And very important is that sadness, it's not about past sadness, it's about future sadness telling us what it is, what we want. So even when we lose somebody, um, we always thinking, oh, this person is not here for this Christmas, this person is not here for my wedding, and that. So for children, when they lose parent, like fully, they have like this ongoing sadness for the— it will always coming up during their life because there will be always situation when will come like, I would want my mom be on my graduation, I will want my mom to be on my wedding, or I will want my father be, you know, it will then.

And that's same happening in childhood that the other parent is not there for their sport days, for their, for a you know, playdates for their winning something, you know. And, and we really underestimate how much it's affecting children. You know, it's what's happening to me. I know from my own experience that I did sport and sometimes I would end up on that, you know, first 2, 3 tops. You know, my parents was never there. They never saw it because, you know, mom physically was unable to be there and my father needed to take care of 2 other children. So like, I was so you know, going on a competition by myself. So it's, it's that, and that desire, and children will hold it in, especially if the parents, you know, it's put on that what your parent, it's important, or they making the money, they providing for us, you know, all these kind of explanations we give in children why that other parent is not there.

They will, they will see, oh, that's more important than I am. And what it's teaching them underlying, they will start suppressing who they are and they will start believing that I am not good enough, I am not important enough, I am, you know, and that's all leading to trauma because that's a reaction. Trauma is not what happened to us, but how we build our reaction to it. And all these beliefs about I am not good enough, I am not valued, I am not— if it's gonna start turning, it's gonna start turning to, um, I need to achieving, I need to be super perfect because, um, you know, then I will get attention, they will at least, you know, praise me, or they would something. Or it can turn to rebellion, like, you know, they don't care anyway, so I will, you know, I will get attention by, by being the rebel or putting the tantrums or be angry, um, or they will try so desperately to be useful and they, you know, will become like little carer and, you know, like helping and, and trying. And again, in all these scenarios, they not actually developing these other parts of themselves, so they not nurturing their self-love. They not— because self-love is knowing who I am and what is good for me and learning choosing. So I like this and I don't like this.

When the children living with this situation that, for example, partner— parent is not present, they feel like, oh, I shouldn't choose. I should be grateful that I have at least something. So that parent will come back and they would so want to do something with that parent, for example. But they don't even ask for it because, you know, maybe he will leave again, or maybe, you know, other things are more important to do, like, you know, fix something on house or be with other people or visit the friends. You know, they don't even ask what it is, what they want to do with the parent. So it's really important to support in children that exploration who they are. There is a lot of things in many, uh, these, you know, parents which are not present that could be very honorable or heroic, um, vision of why the parent is not there. If it's the military, if it's a humanitarian, you know, it's diplomatic stuff like that.

And creating the pressure on children like Or you should be as your mom or father. Why? They don't have to. They shouldn't have to. They can be whoever they want to be. They don't have to follow in that. They can choose to follow in that, but they shouldn't be from the childhood almost formed to follow in the footsteps because then they're missing on who they really are and what their purpose is and what their talents are.

Yeah.

So that's very important. And then we have the wisdom.

Yeah. So just to come back. So if a child is crying or showing sadness or anger, it's not— it's even distraction isn't that great, right? Trying to distract them with a bell or with a toy or with a— it's better to just let them be able to just get it out, even if it makes you feel really uncomfortable. And it makes you feel really guilty.

Yeah, yeah.

Because it's better not to over-explain.

No, don't over-explain, but actually let them to express.

Okay, I'm gonna have to come back to what can help, but carry on with the wisdom thing. Yeah, with the rest.

So, so, so, so, Because wisdom is not related to age. Wisdom is application of what we learn to our life and understanding community around us. But for that, we, for example, need that self-love to function because we need to first need what is good for us. So what children need to learn, self-reflection and learn this way that choosing and trying things without being always told, oh, this is not working for you or this is not good for you. Like they need to be able to try And start learning consequences so they can start understanding what— and actually, children are just a human in the small form. A lot of parents have the tendency, you know, think that they don't understand, or they, you know, they need to be like, um, speak, speak on them as the, like, a little baby, or like not explain things. So you need to explain things to the children in the simple form. for them to be able to understand.

But children do understand, and children are able to express themselves in very young age since they can start speaking. You know, they do understand everything we're telling them even before that. They do remember what's happened when they are in the womb. So, um, all these feelings that like, oh, they are little, they will forget— that's a big myth of the trauma. Yeah. So everything which happened when they're 1 year old, 2 year old, 3 year old, they do remember it, and it's actually shaping their understanding of the world the most. So we need to allow them to express and use the simple words, but explain to them things which happening and why they happening. So, and it's common things which, for example, when we have the loss in family, you know, quite often children are not included in that grieving process.

They are like lied to. They know they are lied to. They don't like that. They are, or they are like thinking like, oh, they are just little, they will forget, you know, they don't remember. They do. And first, what is very important for parents to understand, that they do feel what you feel, even if you don't express it. So just because you pretending that you are okay doesn't mean that your child doesn't feel that you are angry or you are sad or you are that. So for that, it's— I have kind of a little framework which is called LOVE.

L-O-V-E.

E.

E. Express.

L-O-V-E.

Yeah, yeah, it's spelling in English. Come on. So, so it's easy to remember. LOVE. It's listen, observe, validate, and express.

Yeah.

So we can do it for ourselves, which is very important, and how we can move ourselves from emotions, but also with the children, it's very important. So first is listen, but actually listen. Listen without trying to stop your mind from already answering before they even finish their sentence, comparing about what happened to you when you were little, your inner critic saying like, oh, your life is easy, mine was harder, or like, I don't have the nerves on it now. Just actually be there present and listen. Then observe how they behave, what emotions they're showing. Are they shutting off visually, by body language, by expression, by tone? Are they loud or, you know, that? And then validate and actually say, oh, I do see that you are angry. I do see that you are Afraid, that you are sad, but also the happy, like positive emotion. I see that you, you are happy about something, you are joyful.

What is your interest? So because all emotions have the same validity. And then express, express that you feel, because what most of parents don't do is that we, we are taught from our childhood to, to hold it all in. So we created a role model about holding it all in, but that's unsustainable. And they— it's very confusing actually for children. They don't know what they're supposed to do. So when we kind of brave it on all the time and we hold all our emotion in, we becoming almost dangerous to them because we confusing them. We don't— they don't know what they expect. Yeah.

And I can— example which I'm using, which most of parents can relate to, like, it happened once in your lifetime that your child walk away in the parking lot, in the mall, in the, you know, um, somewhere in the garden. You don't see them. You lost your child. You just don't know where they are. Yeah. We all have this experience. I think that even if it's for 20 seconds, like, that amount of Panic. We have like, where they are, what's happened to them.

It's natural. What we feel is fear. We are afraid that something happened to them. Is it? What they do is that they are just curious, which is normal, and it's what children should be— curious. We panickily looking for them and we find them, and instead of expressing that fear, we express the anger because the anger will come. Anger is our protector. It will come and we will express, how dare you do it? Never do it ever again. You know, that's actually very confusing for them because they're like, why they are angry that I was curious? Like, they don't understand in that, you know, like, I was just curious.

Like, I was just exploring. I was I was just being myself and they kind of punishing me with their energy, flushing on me that anger. So what they learn from it is that it's wrong to be curious. They're not supposed to be themselves. And they, we are very like confusing for them. But if we express that fear, which we actually feel like, I'm so worried that something happened to you. So I do understand that you are curious about this. But next time, hold my hand.

I will go with you. Or, you know, I was just so worried so that something will happen to you. We are true to our emotions. They feel the same emotion from us. It's understandable for them. And I can tell you that usually they will not walk out again because they do understand what we're trying to tell them.

So for a 6-year-old, dad's just left for 4 months. or for, you know, an extended period of time, the 6-year-old is sad. The parent, the mom or the parent at home can say, I'm also sad. If they're observing the sadness but the child isn't expressing anything, can you ask?

Yeah, and you should ask. 6-year-old is absolutely able to express what it is, what they want. Yeah. So start speaking about that, why they are sad. Sad is, it's something their need is not fulfilled. Which need is not fulfilled? They don't feel safe, or they, they of course missing. What it is what they missing? They missing to be put to the bed, or they missing to sing the songs together, or going for the trip together? You know, actually start asking them what it is why they are sad, because the sadness trying to tell us something. Trying to tell us that need which we didn't fulfill.

When we recognize that need, we can find a way or help them find a way how to fulfill it. So it can be, I'm missing, um, going on the trip with, with Dad. We always going somewhere. So it can be, okay, let's go on the trip. Maybe we will go somewhere else, and but we will make the photos and we will send it to them. So it will be like he's with us there. Yeah. Or it can be, I'm missing that he's not, you know, playing with me here.

Okay. Let's create a new game. We will learn the new game. And when he will come back, you will tell him and he will play with you. And it's very good actually, even like write these things down or make the pictures and put them on the fridge or something for them to remind that we did acknowledge that. That we allow them to express that sadness, but also fulfill that promise. Like if we, if we promise them something, that, that's a very often thing which is happening with parents are somewhere else, that they forgot that they actually promised something, but children do remember that they promised that.

So you're saying let the child draw maybe themselves and their dad when the dad comes back playing a new game.

Yeah.

Or drawing what it is that they miss doing with their dad or with a parent who's away, and they can draw what it is they miss so that they do it when the parent comes back, or that they can— something like that. That's, that's so good. That's so helpful. Yeah.

And, and on the other side, like, really, as I said, like, observe and validate. Yeah, I do understand that you are sad. You just— even that wording, like, not even just telling them to help to describe that emotion. Yeah, you feel sadness, and sadness telling, you know, it's about like what you want. I do understand. So let's— so what it is what you're missing, what it is what you like, because they want to speak about that person. They, they actually need to, to get it out. So, so it's good.

It's also like they would have some Um, because there is always coming some level of fear if one parent is not there. That underlying fear, it's there because the parents are these 2 gods which keeping me alive. Yeah, everything— when every time when child is actually afraid, for child is the death threat situation. We very underestimating it, but for them it's like, I cannot survive without them, especially when they are smaller, because they They know, the humans, we all know that we need that shelter, we need food, we need protection. So that being left alone, like, please don't let children cry to sleep. That's like biggest, biggest, biggest parental mistake people doing, let them cry to sleep. No, please don't do that. So every time when they are afraid, for them it's like, I will not survive.

I will die here. So, so with that will come anger, because the anger I would describe like it's a white knight with the sword on the horse. Yeah. And he's running around us and trying to protect us. It's that like, because the, the children is— we call the archetype princess. They are like, you know, they supposed to be like playful and saying like, I like this and I don't like this. And sometimes have a little tantrum about I want, I want, I want, I want this, or I don't, I don't, I don't want this. And that's okay because they need to learn to choosing.

Yeah, it's— and, and that, that's helping their self-love, actually helping the choosing and helping their intuition to feel like this is good for me and this is not good for me. But that, that knight is there protecting them, like, okay, I will let you know when some danger coming. So when the one parent leave, for them naturally will come fear and naturally will come the that anger. And when we hold them like, be brave, and, oh, don't cry, or this will be okay, we're just telling them like, just hold it all in. And they will start hold it all in. But what does it mean that they try to hold in that big horse with that knife, with that sword? That's actually painful and it's quite a lot of energy. So again, when we allow them, like when the anger starts bubbling, Tell them like, oh, I do understand you are angry. That's okay.

You have right to be angry. What are you angry about? And allow them to have activities which allow them that anger get out. I tell people like everybody has a sofa. Sofa is great. Just punch the sofa. Hold them. Take the pillow from the sofa. Tell them I will hold it in front of you and you start boxing.

Yeah, just get it out from your system and it's okay. Yeah, and they will learn to, to let it out, and they can get to that lower levels and, uh, and process that fear and process that sadness, because the, the all emotions will come like in the mixture, you know, they, they coming all together. Yeah, so—

Oh, we can do a 2-hour session here. It's so full of good stuff and practical as well for people who are living it. So what about a teenager if as a parent you messed up on all of that and now they're the best at keeping it all in?

So there are the 4 stages, I call it the steps of ascendance. There are 4 steps which we need to go through it to let it out and really become fully ourselves. So first it's recognition, When we recognize what actually happened and it's leading to awareness, that's a really critical step. So with the teenagers, it's about starting that conversation, admitting the mistakes we did as parents. And I did also with my son. It's— we all do. We are all humans and we all are acting from our own childhood. But actually allow them to, to say, I realize, I do realize that I didn't manage to help you to fulfill all your needs.

That you felt afraid, that you feel angry, and you're holding it all in. And you start opening that conversation. And I know that it's not easy for parents to say, but children are actually waiting for that saying, I am sorry. I do realize that my behavior caused you harm or hurt, or I wasn't there for you enough as I needed. They are absolutely able to accept it. They are able to process that. You know, they are wise, as I said, they can, they can see the consequences. They will see that like we try our best and all that.

And they would say like, yeah, I do understand that. I love you, mom. But it's allowing them to actually start processing it and let it go, let it go out. Then for teenagers, take them to the wrecking room, rage room or something. They are now everywhere and let them smash things. Let them really do it and tell them like, you have, you are probably angry. When was this happening? Is it, you know, let's go in and start asking them what it is, what you wanted to happen, what it is, what you missed. Yeah.

And try to recreate some of these things, even if they could seem ridiculous. You know, like, I remember I promised my son when he was little that we will go to Disneyland. What happened, we never get to Disneyland. Uh, so when he was 18, I was like, I'm really sorry we didn't get to Disneyland. And he said like, oh, Mom, I, I do understand that, you know, consequence, you know, situation and everything was— but what we did, we went to some another, you know, park, roller coasters and stuff like that. And we really established that it's not about Disneyland. It's It's about really having that time one-to-one and doing what he wants to do because we as parents tend to do things we like to do, but it's very important to actually do what they do and start to be interested in them to allow them to be themselves. And typically, for example, with video games, most of parents my age would say, oh, I don't understand what what they are about? My answer is simple.

Ask them. They will tell you what they are about. They can explain to you. Yeah. So be interested in them, in their life, in their talents, in their interests. Yeah. It will widen your comfort zone, but also it will allow them to actually be seen and listened and feel that they can express themselves and they are allowed to be themselves. And in teenage years, their neuroplasticity is so strong still that they are able to very quickly get through it.

But the next step is that release. So find a way that if they are really deep in it, you know, they can go for like, for example, what I'm doing, the hypnotherapy. They can go very quickly out of it, or just really allow them to do— offer them things like go to meditation, learn the mindfulness. But actually tell them like, I do understand that, you know, I'm playing the the role in it, what your behavior— I do understand. Let's start speaking about it.

Admitting or acknowledging, then it's releasing.

Releasing, yeah. And then it's regret and grieving. Allow them actually realize when their choices— and they will start realizing, and we need to support them with that— realize where their choices were influenced by that trauma. Which means, for example, they maybe didn't choose the high school they wanted, they didn't choose the topic they wanted because they felt that they need to, you know, do what is expected from them. Or they didn't have the friends because they, you know, shutting them off. Or some people, military moving often, and which make them feel like totally displaced. Um, so there is regret and grieving, but when they release that past, they can get through it. And again, it will tell them what it is, what they really want.

And they can get to the 4th step, which is rediscovery. In that age, it's more like discovery, who they really are, like, and really support to find them who they are, be themselves. And that is kind of, um, tool I'm using with adults, which is useful for us, but also with the children, like find 121 things about yourself you like.

121?

121. It's, yeah, it's based on the diamond Gassan 121, which is most beautiful cut in the world for me. And it was created some few decades back in Amsterdam. And I met that person who made this new diamond cut, and I asked him, Why you did it. And that's kind of motto for me. There is always more beauty to find. And it's about that.

More than one diamond. So it's a diamond that was cut that has 124, 121 facets.

Yes. Yes.

And he's— and the creator said is because there's always more beauty to find.

Find. Yeah.

That's beautiful. So, so help.

So, so We find 125, 121 things that are about ourselves, what we like about, what we like about ourselves, how we look like, what we do, our skills. But also like this, like what we, what we like to do, what colors we like, you know, music we like, type of movement. Like actually start finding this beauty in our life and actually start finding who we are because When we living in the trauma responses, we, we camouflaging. Yeah. Children, you, um, teenagers, you can see it like they will be all in black, so they try to be invisible, or they will be very colorful because they try to outshine, you know. But is, and yeah, some people are that naturally, but more than majority is just pretend, you know. They just trying to to fit in in some way. So is it— and many parents almost don't allow their children to choose their clothes and colors of their rooms.

And that is the way how we can test which organizational style we are. And you are right, we can speak another few hours about these things. So there is many—

For little children, we could start writing it down for them. So that there's a trace.

Trace and help them, you know, to record it by themselves. You can, you can make them like a little scrapbook to which they can finding who they are. But it's very important for parents to really understand, which I would say maybe, you know, for, for closure for today, why my book, it's called Purposeful Parenting, is that purpose of, of parenting It's not to form and mold child to some your expectation. You decide to have children. If it was accident or plan, it doesn't really matter. You have them, you decide to have them. They don't own you anything. It was your decision to have them.

They are not here to fulfill your expectation, your unfulfilled dreams, or carry on some family legacy. They are here to be themselves. And the purpose of parents is help them to be themselves, be independent, be responsible, be purposeful. So when they turn adults, 16 to 22, they can go off. They can go to uni, to the work, to whatever they want to do, and feeling that they are able to cope, they are able to— they understand the world, they can be themselves, and they, they know how to learn. Because the main thing is that we, we learning all our life, and very often we teach our children to just repeat and learn the facts, but not art of learning. the learning, the, the like everyday reflection. Because yeah, they would do things which she said like, oh, they— if they should not do that, but they need to try it by themselves.

But if we, if we help them, that they are able to— oh, I did this, it didn't work out. Because there is no mistake in the world. It's only we always make our best decision in that moment. We didn't know better based on our experiences, our knowledge, our emotional stuff, our beliefs, our inner setup. We did our best decision. Outcome, it's maybe not what we wanted, but from that we just need to learn and look on that outcome. It's like, okay, what I learn from it, and then go with it. And this is what we need to teach our children.

Learn from what's happening. Learn to understand their emotions, express them, and understand what they telling them. Because truth be told, the emotions itself, it's 10 seconds. 10 to 60 seconds max, but usually about 10 seconds. All afterwards, it's our reaction, the chosen reaction, which is chosen on how we are set up and how we are learned to deal with them. So it's really about that, to support them in this become functional, that 5 pillars working in balance, and that they are grounded. They know who they are. They can choose.

They can make the steps. They can change their decision. And that's okay because they learn. They want to try, I don't know, play viola. They realize that it sounds nice, but it's so hard to do that, and they decided, I'm not doing it anymore. That's fine. They try some sport, they realize like, okay, maybe I'm not team player. That's fine.

They need to find who they are by experiences and reflection. So stop forcing them to do things. Stop making them busy schedules when they don't even have the breath to take and reflect, you know, learn them to have money from they are age 2, they can count the money to be told, you know, let them choose their clothes, let them choose then how they have that organized their room. There is many things, but they actually need to learn these choices because then they will become responsible, they will know who they are, they will become purposeful, and they will be the best version for themselves. And they will be the best piece for this world. They will live the best way. So they will be productive, they will, you know, influence the community, they would deliver value. And it's what we need really from the next generation.

And hopefully they will not need somebody as me, which is trauma therapist, because that would be the best.

Well, seriously, you are a treasure trove of information and of know-how. And I could literally talk to you for hours. But I think you have, you know, we have covered a lot of ground. You've shown us a blueprint to prevent and to help when there's this sadness and this potential trauma that can come from absences. You've given us a blueprint for resilience and communication and connection between us as well in our relationships. And how to help our teenagers and our children live through these, you know, relationships and families, styles, lifestyles that are sometimes different than, than a nuclear family that's in the same, under the same roof. So thank you very much. You have a podcast, Way Out of Childhood Trauma, which I am going to go and listen to as well.

There's plenty more in there, plus your book, and you're taking private clients as well.

Yeah, uh, I'm working with the, with the, um, from the teenagers from the age 13 to adults unlimited.

13 upwards?

Yeah, okay, 13 upwards and adults. Quite often actually, it's when I help the parents, if the parents realize like, you know, I'm actually struggling to cope, then when they go through that process, it helps them to help their children. Because, uh, so, so if the children are not in really like severe mental health, but if they do, please calm. But if the parents recover themselves, you know, they learn the tools, they get that understanding and can— and it's always changing their families. And also speaking about their parenting things during the therapy itself. But yeah, but if children have like depression or signs of, you know, grief or social anxiety or anger issues, very often very wrongly diagnosed as BPD. BPD, they are not BPD, they are just traumatized, please, um, you know, yeah, I can help them. And actually they can be helped very quickly because as I said, their neuroplasticity is still, um, very high and, and they don't have accumulated so big things.

So I would just, before we close, the one thing to realize for parents to realize is that having the children often re-trigger our childhood trauma. So If you feel that you become resentful, you become angry or bubbling, you know, under holding it in, you start feeling like, oh, I don't have my own life, I'm— I don't feel like valued, I lost myself in this. That's a sign that you actually acting from your little hurted child inside. If you feel that it's overwhelming responsibility, then you should seek help. and get help to recover first.

That's very important. And what you said also about misdiagnosis, so what's BPD?

No, borderline personality disorder.

Borderline personality disorder, but it's actually trauma?

It's trauma.

Okay, okay, that's so important to have those. I thank you so much for explaining all of that and answering all my questions. It's an absolute pleasure to meet you, and thank you on behalf of all my listeners as well, because this is very practical advice.

Yeah, thank you. I will be launching the little program for people, could be self-paced, but it will be probably in December, like that people can walk through that, you know, find things for themselves and question their parenting, because actually in parenting is about a lot of the question themselves and your styles and everything.

Yeah, for sure. Well, let me know about it and I'll, I'll be able to let my community know.

Oh, that will be super. Thank you.