Being happy and safe in your body seems simple, but for most, it’s not. Instead, tools are needed to understand and build a voice towards emotional advocacy and self regulation. One way to do that internal work is through the act of writing. My guest on today’s episode, Mary Kethya Khuon, founder of Write & Release, is sharing how to use writing to improve teacher wellness.

Writing is a tool that helps many cope and deal with emotions that are connected to their nervous system, which helps explain how a person reacts to certain circumstances and experiences. With her new program, she hopes to bring it into schools that will eventually give teachers and students a voice for themselves. Mary hopes that through writing, it improves teacher wellness while also teaching students skills while they’re young that will be transformative as they get older and move into adulthood. 

For all links and resources mentioned in this episode, head to the show notes: https://www.educatorforever.com/episode30

Watch our free on-demand workshop to learn more about flexible work opportunities beyond the classroom: https://www.educatorforever.com/workshop

Take our free quiz to discover your next career step: https://www.educatorforever.com/quiz

Follow us on Instagram @educatorforever.

Lily

Mary Kethya Khuon is a somatic coach certified in trauma recovery and as the CEO and founder of Sincerely Miss Mary. She trains mental health education and professional development leaders to cultivate compassionate leadership through emotional and nervous system regulation.

Lily

She is the creator of the embodied storytelling framework, a writing modality, she taught to over 100 trauma survivors. She is now on a mission to bring wellness writing to schools through her new program, Write and Release.

Lily

Welcome, Mary, so glad to have you on the show.

Mary

Hi, thanks for having me.

Lily

Absolutely. Well I would love for us to start with a very broad question, as I always do about your professional journey.

Mary

Yeah, so I am a trauma trained somatic coach, my background is of a certificate and integrative somatic trauma therapy. And I'm also getting trained in somatic experiencing. And that is one of the top internationally recognized trauma healing modalities.

Mary

Mary

I first was a writing coach for trauma survivors. And what I saw within that process of coaching trauma survivors writing their stories was transformations were happening, people were moving from a place of healing their traumas to post traumatic growth. And it was incredible to see that transformation right before my eyes.

Mary

And so my work evolved into facilitating workshops for bigger organizations like childhood trauma survivors, sexual assault survivors, to doing workshop with a nonprofit that works with incarcerated people that are reintegrating back into society and want to start a business. And so my work has since expanded, and I'm seeing the transformation that happens when people learn my my writing framework.

Mary

And so now I'm just blowing this up. And I'm trying to get into into school systems, because I think this is a powerful tool to not only help teachers right now, but also students that will learn and grow into adults and, and need to learn how to develop like coping tools that will help them regulate their emotions, and nervous system.

Mary

So that's, that's where I'm at right now. So that was a very long winded answer. But no, yeah, I've done a lot of things. And it was also a fashion designer too for nine years and and a writer for five years. So a lot, lots of things have happened.

Lily

Yes, that's amazing. I want to talk about all of it. And definitely just want to say how awesome it is to be using writing in this way. And I think that it's really interesting to think about, I was a creative writing major in college, like there's a lot of writing myself, but just thinking about it as really a tool, you know, that can help people through so many things.

Lily

And I think that's interesting, from a teacher standpoint, too, just thinking about the many ways in which writing is important. It's not just like to hit writing standards. You know, like, it's so much more than that, and can be so much more than that. So definitely excited to hear more just about what the whole approach you're using and framework looks like and the impacts that have happened.

Lily

But first, I want to hear about being a fashion designer in New York City. Tell me a little bit about that part of your journey and how it how you see it connecting to where you are now.

Mary

Right. Yeah, I feel like as my business has grown and evolved, I'm seeing the connection that my fashion experience has to the work I'm doing now.

Mary

My my experience in fashion was very tumultuous. So the connection that I have to the work I do now is kind of like me witnessing a lot of systemic trauma. And some of my early experiences within the fashion industry. It is I mean I think it's known to be chaotic since the movie The Devil Wears Prada came out and it's pretty accurate.

Mary

People always asked me was that your experience? I was like, Yeah, but the devil wears jeans. She did not wear Prada. Like you and me she's just a human. And that was my experience was seeing a lot of systemic trauma within the fashion industry.

Mary

And I remember like being like 24-25 and one of the top like luxurious fashion companies, I'm not going to name it, and just questioning the leadership questioning the authority and seeing how like the leadership impacted every single individual on the team and how it all comes from, from the leader and how like if a leader isn't doing the work to regulate their emotions, if they're wounded, if they're leading with their egos, it's going to create a toxic work environment.

Mary

And I saw that at 25. I was like, looking back, I was like, wow, that's really young to like, notice that and to be that observant, and to like question leadership, when I've kind of been conditioned to just follow all kinds of leadership blindly, and not question it. And so I had that experience.

Mary

And that led me ultimately to a very, like deep state of depression and anxiety. And then I kind of moved towards a different company that provided me with systemic healing, I saw a very healthy fashion environment. So like the very opposite of what I had experienced, and that that came from a very healthy leader.

Mary

And that trickled down to everyone else and created a very healthy work environment where everyone was seen as equals, like, it didn't matter that we had different titles. There was like healthy hierarchy where you like you had a manager you had, you actually had to like, listen to your VP, but everyone was treated like a human. So there was a lot of, you know, diversity, equity, inclusion in that work environment.

Mary

And that, to me, provided a lot of healing from my adverse experiences I had previously. And so I had experienced systemic trauma, systemic healing within the fashion industry. And in that experience, as I was starting, you know, my writing journey writing for healing within that, that environment, that that systemic healing, because I had also faced other trauma in my life, when I was in this healing environment, I just saw how how leadership should be and how I wished every single experience I had was, was that example.

Mary

And that really just kind of allowed me to start building a relationship with my own voice, my own agency by experiencing healthy leadership, and it shaped me into the leader I am today by finally witnessing, like how a leader should be. And so that's how I kind of relate fashion to it just it widened my view of the world from facing adversity, and from reclaiming myself through my healing journey.

Mary

And also like creativity, I'm, I'm a creative, I was always that's just like, just my nature, as a kid, I was always creative as a kid. And so like fashion was, you know, a big part of it was the rest of create creativity that I loved, creating something out of nothing. So I think that's also a component to the work I do is also like, your creativity is also a space for you to have 100% agency over your life.

Mary

And I'm sure with your creative writing background, you understand like how it's so like, intimate to to you, and it's yours. And so even when I was facing adversity in the fashion industry, I knew like, I'm a creative, like, I get to work in a creative process, this is mine, no one can take this away from me.

Mary

And so that it's the same thing with writing, it's that creativity, that's mine, and that, that no one can take away from me and giving these tools to, to everyone else, I hope they can also like have that sense of agency or reclaim it if it's been taken away from them.

Lily

Yes, absolutely. That's so interesting to hear you reflect on that and made me think about just toxic systems in general. Yeah. And especially it made me think about the teaching, you know, whole school system that I think so many teachers, myself included, when I was teaching, you know, are part of this very toxic system.

Lily

And it reminded me of when you kind of describe that first experience, and it does matter about leadership, but also matters, you know, like, all the people making decisions of what teachers should do in the classroom, and how teachers are treated and all the different things and how it can be so hard to just separate yourself from that.

Lily

And I think it's so interesting hearing you talk about the healing, you know, journey of having somebody else who was a more, you know, healthy, admirable, I would say leader, right, and how that can be such an amazing process.

Lily

And it just made me think of like my experience, being out of the classroom, I think has been similar like in that it was healing, you know, to have a different way of being able to work in education, and not feel so stressed and still feel like I had an intentional impact and still created things, you know, that were used in classrooms and supporting teachers and students, and that there could be another way.

Lily

And I think sometimes when we're in these, especially like very, you know, traumatic or toxic systems, it can be so hard to just see that there's another way, so I appreciate the reflection on just even within the same industry, right? Even within the same, you know, job that you might be doing, there can be options that feel better to you.

Mary

Yeah, definitely. I'm sure for you, you became the leader that you needed, the leader that you never had, the leader that you've so badly wanted in the education system and that in itself is so healing because you're reclaiming your voice, you're reclaiming your identity, you're claiming your agency. And it's, it's you, you're, you're the leader that you've always dreamed of, of having it. Now you get to become it.

Lily

Totally, absolutely. And like every teacher, or every person, right can also do that. So I think that goes back to like that agency piece that you were talking about. It's just like, you can create that for yourself. And it's hard. But it's worth it. And like, it can be so profoundly healing on as much more than just a professional level.

Lily

You know, like, I think that it's not separated who we are in our professions versus who we are personally. And so being able to kind of have that moment of stepping into this agency or power, and doing really intentionally can be so amazing.

Mary

Yeah, definitely. I love that. There's no separate from like, work you and personal you were we're all the same at the end of the day. We're, we're human.

Lily

Absolutely awesome. Well, yeah, I love hearing about all the different parts of your journey. And again, because I mean, that fits into that we're all you know, an amalgamation of all the things that have happened to us all of our experiences, all the things have led us to where we are today.

Lily

And I know now, as you said, you're using writing is such an amazing tool to help people. Can you tell us just a little bit about like, what is your daily life like now? What are you working on right now professionally?

Mary

Yeah, so right now I just launched Write and Release, it is a program to help burnt out teachers in schools. And this is really to help the whole education environment. So my intention with this program is to teach teachers these writing tools that will help them regulate their emotions, their nervous system, also be trauma informed so they can identify any challenging behaviors in the classroom and know how to navigate it.

Mary

Because I've done about like, 15 hours of teacher interviews. And I've, I've learned that teachers wear multiple hats, they wear, the teacher hat they wear, sometimes the parent hat, they wear the counselor hat, and they don't have the tools to be all those things.

Mary

And so I want to provide them tools that are trauma informed, so they can then learn how to easily navigate it. And if they need support, they they know how to ask for it and advocate for themselves, and be able to get support and get their administrators, principals, superintendents to listen to them.

Mary

And so that's what I'm launching right now. And right now I'm pitching the schools, which is really exciting. I'm pitching to schools nationally, this can be done virtually this can be done in person. And I'm excited to see which schools say yes, I'm crossing my fingers. But I know this is this is going to have a positive impact in the world.

Mary

Lily

I think you can do it. Absolutely. So tell us a little bit about once you start working with the school with Write and Release, what does that look like?

Mary

Yeah, so I do a training with the teachers. And I teach them my embodied storytelling framework. So this has two components to it. One is called the IPH system. And this is something that I developed when I was in my healing journey.

Mary

And so there's a trauma healing modality called somatic internal family systems. And this concept is this idea that we have multiple parts of ourselves, we have different parts of ourselves that act as bodyguards to our body. It's all basically the part of ourselves that has agency.

Mary

And so for example, when you're like walking down the street, and and someone's coming at you, you put your hands up, like that's a protector coming out. And so we all have these protectors, when we're facing emotional dysregulation in the workplace, when someone is behaving certain way that makes us feel unsafe, it triggers a protector in us.

Mary

And identifying all these parts of ourselves and learning to converse with them is what allows us to respond to a circumstance that overwhelms our nervous system rather than react. So that's just a part of that's one of my writing tools that I teach to teachers. I've also taught that to licensed therapist and coaches to integrate with their clients.

Mary

And that's just a way to open up this conversation with your inner world and to explore the emotional truths of your experiences that you may not feel safe to speak out loud, you can start having these safe relationships with different parts of yourself.

Mary

And another component is called the embodied storytelling framework. So this is what I teach trauma survivors as well as licensed therapists and coaches. And this is taking one adverse experience from our past and kind of going through the story and reclaiming our narrative or agency.

Mary

So that's when we're pulling in creativity. We're pulling in imaginations like what we wish we could have said what we want to say instead, it's it's a process where you're rewriting a story while having complete agency over the creative process. And so this goes deeper into the relationship you have with yourself. And it's to help you build your voice and build a relationship with yourself.

Mary

And so through learning all of these tools, you can learn to practice building a habit of regulating your emotions and your nervous system through writing. And so that's the first component because I want teachers to be able to fill their cups to be in a state of wholeness before they can then teach these tools to their students.

Mary

So the second component to this training is to have them integrate these tools into the classroom as part as the classrooms, social emotional learning, because right now, I think after the pandemic, a lot of kids and adults have been disconnected from themselves. That's, that's why we're so disconnected from each other, because we're disconnected from from ourselves.

Mary

And so teaching teachers how to connect with themselves, they can then connect with other people. And so it's kind of like a trickle down effect. So then they'll be able to teach their students these tools, and students will then be able to connect with themselves and connect with each other. So it's kind of like this trickle down effect.

Mary

And, like somatically, creating a safe environment for everyone to feel safe in their bodies, to fully express themselves to have agency to have a voice to build emotional advocacy. And so I want all of that to start in the classroom. Because that's what I wish I had, if I had that I would have would have prevented me from a lot of chaos in my adulthood in New York City.

Lily

I love that. I mean, I think that I do a lot of thinking about teachers, and how teachers are part of such a system again, you know, that really doesn't put them first or even often consider them and how then as teachers, we often internalize that, of just thinking like, hey, what I what I'm going through doesn't matter, right? Like it's all about the kids, it's like, kinda like goes about, like, hold teachers as murderers, right?

Lily

Like, it's all about the kids, it's like such a service based profession, that I think we can then internalize that. And that isn't good for anyone. Like, it's not good for the teachers themselves, but it's not good for kids to see either. So I love in your process, how it's like, we need to start with teachers.

Lily

You know, really gaining that awareness and that agency, and then showing that and being an intentional model to students, rather than internal, I was like, all of this, you know, things that we're told are trauma, and then kind of like spitting it out in a new energy, you know, or the same energy for kids and disrupting that cycle. It's so powerful.

Mary

Right. And the beautiful thing about teachers working with students is, you know, in somatic psychology, children, like immediately co regulate with adults. So if a teacher shows up, emotionally regulated, their nervous systems regulated, they can handle themselves, even if they waver from like, you know, moments of anxiety, they can get back to being centered and grounded.

Mary

Kids will immediately with their nervous system, because they're not fully developed until they're about like, 27, they can pick up on that too, and they can co regulate with with adults who are emotionally regulated. So that's a beautiful thing is that like, there's not it's more simple than, than we realize it's very simple, when, when teachers can be in a state of wholeness, everyone around them can co regulate with them as well.

Lily

Yes, I so love that. Because I think it's so different than like, Okay, we're gonna buy this social and emotional learning curriculum and like, teach it to students from a teacher who's feeling very dysregulated dealing with all these things, right? Like, that doesn't really solve it.

Lily

And of course, we need to teach kids tools, you know, of all sorts, all these things, great. But it's true, right? Like the, the best way that you can do it is by doing that internal work and being really that model that kids can co regulate with. And you can provide those real world examples too.

Lily

Rather than just being like I'm teaching, there's loads of on self awareness, but like, I'm not aware of that I'm constantly feeling really stressed out in my body. And so I love that it's getting to really like the root of it. It feels not, you know, it's almost more of a surface level solution to really complex issues. And I love how you're really going to what will actually change it.

Mary

Yeah, well, it's it's an experience because a lot of well, maybe it's changing but a lot of these social emotional learning curriculums, it's all about mindset and framework and teaching things with the you know, your mind.

Mary

And the thing about emotional regulation, nervous system regulation, diversity, equity inclusion, it's an it's an experience. That's what impacts anyone learning. That's, that's how they kind of can grow into this kind of modality, it's from experiencing it. And that's how they remember these tools.

Mary

It's it's connecting to themselves. It's having the experience having the feeling, even when we want to talk about having compassion for each other, it's a state of being it's a state of feeling and just guiding someone to feel safe in themselves. I think that's, that's kind of what's missing within these programs is that we often just want to check off boxes, and want to talk about like meditation and you just reframe your mind and you'll be fine.

Mary

And it's like, no, what's happening? It's, it's in our bodies, it's it's dysregulation in our bodies the way we're feeling, and how can we take ownership of that and feel empowered by the ability to feel things, even if it's uncomfortable, staying long enough with the feeling to have agency over over our lives and know that we still have control if we're feeling uncomfortable, or bad or sad or grieving that at the end of the day, we can ground ourselves back and be center and still move with agency.

Lily

Yes, absolutely. And like being able to focus on what we can control, which is our whole way of being right. Yeah. So I think giving that tool is like the best gift you could give to somebody. Yeah.

Lily

And I'd love to hear kind of about the impacts. I know you've gotten into this a little bit, but the impacts that you've seen, either or both with trauma survivors or with educators that you've worked with using your framework.

Mary

Yeah, so I have like three stories that I'd love to tell. So when I first met my writing clients, she is a two time thyroid cancer survivor. And she's not even 30. Wow. And her story is, she faced a lot of adversity her father passed away. She got diagnosed with thyroid cancer soon after, and she was while she was in college.

Mary

So I coached her to write her memoir and to write about all these difficult chapters of her life. And within the journey, we found this theme of belonging that she desired just wanting to be seen and heard and not kind of outcasted because she, she had thyroid cancer, she was still you human.

Mary

And so we drew this writing, writing process of her writing her memoir, she started to get her power back. And she felt very powerful, and just sharing some of the uncomfortable truths of her experience that she's never shared with anyone before.

Mary

So after about six months of working together, she published her first essay, she shared her experience of being a two time thyroid cancer survivor, she shared a story about like the frustrations she felt how people treated her how certain friends treated her. And it was this powerful essay of just her reclaiming her voice and her story.

Mary

And by the end of us working together, she became a board member of a thyroid cancer survivor group. And I see her like she's a published author, I see her like on social media, just sharing her story. I see her sharing her story on LinkedIn, and just being like, hey, like, did you know that I was a thyroid cancer survivor, and I'm an advocate now.

Mary

I just see her becoming a leader of her life. And also because she was able to advocate for herself, she can then advocate for other thyroid cancer survivors that are facing the same emotional adversity of not feeling like they, they have a voice in their experience. And so she, she created that for herself. And she can then create that for other people. So that that was just beautiful to witness her blossom into an advocate for the thyroid cancer community.

Lily

That's amazing. Yeah, and I think it's really when you feel again, safe in your body, you know, even when you're talking about really challenging things, it can become so powerful, like something that used to feel, you know, uncomfortable talking about it.

Lily

Or you know, it made your body feel bad, to be able to really find a way to still feel safe in your body and also talk about the challenging things I think is so, so powerful. I love that story.

Mary

Right. So that that was powerful. My second story is with another client, she's a child sex abuse survivor, a lot of things she wrote about was her reclaiming her body. And her concept of beauty and your writing, you know, some of the darkest chapters of her life.

Mary

She eventually published an essay on Medium where she talks about being a child sex abuse survivor and and now healing towards a place of feeling like a goddess. And I thought that was so so powerful. She just pays a homage to her body. She feels beautiful in her body. She's reclaiming her story, reclaiming all parts of her body.

Mary

And it was just beautiful to watch her transform, because in the beginning of working together, it was very hard for her to feel in your body and this happens with a lot of child sex abuse survivors, they it's, you know, their body is seen as a place of it's not safe, I wasn't safe in here. And so we slowly had allowed her to feel safe in her body through a lot of higher self visualization.

Mary

And she always saw herself as a goddess. And so I had her feel into that in the present moment to see her transform into a goddess. And so after about four or five months working together, she now is creating a program for child sex abuse survivors that are mothers. And that is very, very transformational in that she was able to heal through her trauma.

Mary

And now she is giving a safe space to mothers who were also child sex abuse survivors, because that's a safe space she's creating that she needed for herself. And so for her to be able to advocate for herself and heal through that journey through writing her story, she's able to create a safe space for other child sex abuse survivors that that are mother is just just like herself, so that that was really powerful to see. It's also just awesome to see people publishing their personal essays.

Lily

Totally, and creating programs to help other people, you know, and really find like a bigger audience, I guess, or a bigger net to cast out of, you know, something that someone has started as such a personal like, discovery or transformation, you know, and then can grow from there. It's really cool too.

Mary

It was very powerful. And then my final story, this was really exciting. So I was able to facilitate a workshop for the Trauma Healing Institute. They are also training me in somatic experiencing.

Mary

So I did a webinar for about 100 licensed therapists, coaches and healers. And it was an experiential workshop where their writing and learning the tools that I'm teaching them, so they learned that IPH system in the body storytelling framework, and I had a chat open and also like, a space for people to share.

Mary

And I remember one woman after going through both writing modalities, she just said, this is the first time I feel like I fell in love with myself. And it was just like, it's so so beautiful to see people transform right in front of you in that moment in real time.

Mary

And that's this is similar to what I'll be doing when I'm training teachers will be going through this the same experience. So it's cool to see how this works for licensed therapists, healers and coaches, they'll be integrating those tools into their practices.

Mary

This is exactly like how my Write and Release program will be is training teachers to learn these modalities, maybe fall in love with themselves too and in the these trainings and also be able to teach it to the students. So that was very profound. I was like, Oh, this is just the beginning.

Lily

Yes, that's amazing. And I love this whole mission to bring it to teachers. And I think it is such a great way just to affect so many people, you know, each teacher has so many students they work with and just again, the whole trickle down. And I'm curious what led you to focus on teachers?

Mary

Yeah, so I'm also a trauma survivor. And I experienced a lot of like micro aggression and adversity growing up. And my parents are Cambodian Genocide survivors, they PTSD was in the DSM until the 80s. So like, they, they didn't know they had PTSD, they didn't know they had complex trauma.

Mary

And so growing up I you know, I had a lot of emotional dysregulation, a lot of nervous system dysregulation. And I kind of just, you know, went into adulthood not having tools to use my voice or advocate for myself.

Mary

And I always think back to like, kind of like preventative like what could have prevented this, like my experience into adulthood not knowing that I could advocate not even know how to advocate for myself not even having that in my vocabulary. It was it would be learning these tools in schools, like being inspired by by teachers.

Mary

I spent, you know, like, besides being at home, my parents, I was like growing up, like we spend so much time at school. And so being able to learn these tools at a young age, in school, I knew like this would help me in my adulthood. So this is something that I wish I had growing up.

Mary

And I know that having these tools taught to kids at a young age, having them build an agency now like building relationship with their voice now learning that there are different parts of themselves that they can love and not shame, that's going to be so powerful for when they go to college, when they become adults, when they get their first job.

Mary

And they're in a toxic environment. They they can stand up for itself or they can leave they can set a boundary and targeting educators because they have such profound influence over students lives. And I know that this can truly just shape the next generation of leaders.

Lily

Amazing. Absolutely. And I think it'll be so powerful just for teachers themselves too to be able to have that experience and go forward and you come into their own agency as well. So I love all the layers of impact there. And it's been amazing hearing about you and your journey and all the amazing work that you're doing. Can you tell us how folks can connect with you?

Mary

Yeah, so they can follow me on Instagram, I am at @sincerelymissmary. And you can also go on my website to check out my school program, send it to any anyone in your network that's a teacher or student, anyone that is working in the education space, that's www.sincerelymissmary.com/writeandrelease.

Mary

Lily

Wonderful, and we'll put links to everything in the show notes as well. Thanks again. Mary. It was so great talking with you.

Mary

Thank you so much.