Join Laura and Xhafer, two internet strangers, as they get to know each other while making jokes about one of their favorite TV shows from their childhood, Babylon 5.

Laura and Xhafer record in-person for the first time from Fabulous Las Vegas! Meanwhile, Gideon knows the truth is out there as he searches for an elusive odor on the Excalibur in Crusade: Episode 12 - Visitors from Down the Street.

Hello and welcome to who are you?

2

This is the Babylon five watchcast

hosted by two former strangers.

3

Now friends who are hanging out in person,

4

Laura: Literally.

5

Xhafer: in the same room for the first

time ever right now, while talking

6

about one of their favorite shows

from their childhood, Babylon five.

7

I'm Jafar.

8

Laura: And I'm Laura in

person and in con voice.

9

Xhafer: Right?

10

Laura: It's a little rough over here.

11

Xhafer: It's been, it's almost

like we've been drinking for days.

12

Laura: we've been drinking for

13

Xhafer: I have been in, I

14

think the latest I have stayed

up any night this trip, time

15

zone adjusting, is 10 30 p.

16

Laura: I've stayed

17

Xhafer: was last night.

18

Laura: any nightless trip

is That was last night.

19

Xhafer: Yeah.

20

It's That's a

21

lot.

22

It's been, it's been a great con.

23

We're at Star Trek Las Vegas, as

we've alluded to happening many

24

times in the previous weeks.

25

It's,

26

Laura: the last six months, really, yes.

27

Xhafer: it's Sunday, so we're

mostly through the con right now.

28

We're gonna go watch Todd Stashwick

run a D& D game right after this.

29

That's gonna be a lot of fun.

30

It's been a great convention.

31

What are some of the highlights for you?

32

Laura: for me, the

highlights are my friends.

33

Like, seeing friends that I have met

only online and getting to meet them

34

in person is my number one thing.

35

But I did also really enjoy, as far as,

like, panel wise seeing Kate Mulgrew

36

and John Delancey talk to each other.

37

Xhafer: an excellent panel.

38

Laura: Just like unmoderated conversation

flowing between these two people who

39

have been friends for a very long time.

40

And also we love them because

they're in our favorite show.

41

Xhafer: Yeah.

42

Laura: What about you?

43

Xhafer: Um, that Kate Mulgrew,

John DeLancey panel for sure.

44

Um, the Star Trek Strange New Worlds

cast panels this morning were fantastic.

45

The energy that they all

have for Trek is fantastic.

46

And just being able to

absorb some of that.

47

Um, lots of I mean this

year's a bit different.

48

So this is con number three for me.

49

And this year we really

rolled out with a crew.

50

Laura: you know,

51

we've

52

Xhafer: you know, we've got us and

our respective partners Ben from

53

last time on and uh, Glorianne

from Cool Girls are all here.

54

Some friends of mine from

college have come along.

55

Some friends from the

Greatest Generation podcast

56

listener pool.

57

Laura: the FOD meetup.

58

Xhafer: Oh, there's no way.

59

There's so many here.

60

There's, I would say, from the

FOD meetups, like, I mean, we

61

were at the Cabanica two years

ago, there was like eight of us.

62

Last year there was maybe 15.

63

There's gonna be 30

64

Laura: Yeah.

65

I think

66

so.

67

Xhafer: year, easy.

68

And a lot of people didn't know it

was gonna be on Monday and aren't

69

Laura: lot

70

Xhafer: So it's gonna

be a lot tomorrow, too.

71

Um, a handful of people in that

community I am friends with outside

72

of being a part of that community.

73

A handful I am not.

74

I have not gotten to spend

any time with any of them that

75

I didn't fly out here with.

76

So I'm looking forward to that tomorrow.

77

It's just been a lot.

78

It's been, I mean, our, I mean, my

sister decided to come out last minute,

79

Laura: here.

80

Xhafer: you know, there's 12 of us here

81

Laura: I've met a member

of Ja'far's family now.

82

It's so cool.

83

Xhafer: Yeah, it's it's been a

really good time and been trying to

84

do a little bit more Vegas stuff.

85

Uh, The first year was all convention.

86

The second year I wanted to

do Vegas off the strip stuff.

87

This year I've tried to do a

bunch of Vegas on the strip stuff.

88

So I've been to a couple other hotel

and casinos just to wander around.

89

Went and had dinner at

Morimoto's a couple nights ago.

90

Which was fantastic.

91

Um, great meal.

92

So yeah, it's just been about

all that for me this year.

93

And I've had a really good time.

94

Uh, I'm not quite ready to go

home, but I feel myself on the

95

precipice of being ready to go

96

Laura: being ready to go home.

97

Which

98

Xhafer: Which

99

is the perfect place to be.

100

I think I'm going to be here.

101

Just the right amount of time.

102

If the time zones worked in a different

direction for heading home, I would

103

probably be heading home Monday night

instead of Tuesday morning, but just

104

that cut in time, I'm not taking a red

eye back from Vegas for four hours.

105

It's not enough time to sleep.

106

So I will just uh, head back

Tuesday morning and go with there.

107

Yeah.

108

Laura: I figure I'm probably going to need

a really good night of sleep on Monday,

109

considering how late I've stayed up.

110

Xhafer: Yeah.

111

Uh, Might I recommend Benny and a bourbon?

112

It's a sleep aid method

that I profess sometimes.

113

It's a shot of bourbon and two Benadryl.

114

You will fall asleep

115

immediately,

116

Laura: Fall asleep.

117

Be ready.

118

I promise.

119

So yeah, it's

120

Xhafer: so yeah, it's been really fun.

121

It's it's podcast in person.

122

I mean, we normally record with video

on, so it doesn't feel like it's alien at

123

all because we normally read off of each

other's like facial cues and stuff to have

124

like a conversation like normal people

125

Laura: Yeah, exactly.

126

Xhafer: But it is it's fun.

127

I'm glad that we've found the time

to do this like this Because the

128

opportunity has been very rare for that

129

Laura: Yeah, for sure.

130

Xhafer: So

131

Laura: Being in separate time zones

is already a challenge sometimes.

132

Even though it's the one hour time

zone, it's really not that hard.

133

Xhafer: still, it still has

been impactful, and if that

134

ever changes, which it might.

135

There's been talk about

possibly moving to Scotland.

136

Laura: my.

137

Xhafer: We'll figure it out if that

happens, but I don't, right now

138

it's more of a pipe dream, but they

really need people in my field.

139

And I'm not particularly happy with it.

140

Much of the political situation,

much of the situation in the

141

United States, generally speaking.

142

Laura: stuff and things.

143

Xhafer: Not even just like the

ones you're probably thinking of

144

Anyways that's probably not

happening for a long time.

145

Laura: not

146

Xhafer: But what is happening,

very quickly, is us talking about

147

this episode of Babylon 5 Crusade.

148

We've got episode 12 Visitors

from Down the Street.

149

We open on what has to be the

biggest question Babylon 5 has

150

Laura: ever.

151

Yes.

152

Xhafer: Why the fuck is a

spaceship on Eastern Standard

153

Laura: on an Eastern standard time?

154

Oh, I thought the question

was, what is that smell?

155

That's the second biggest question.

156

Xhafer: sure.

157

we find out what the smell is.

158

We probably will never find out why

the Crusade is, well, why the Excalibur

159

is running on Eastern Standard.

160

Laura: Yeah, sure.

161

Xhafer: That's such a bizarre

choice for absolutely no

162

reason as far as I can fathom.

163

Laura: I was really delighted by

this whole smell subplot, though,

164

because, you know, Gary Cole, as we

have already alluded to, in office

165

space, and this was a real thing

not that long ago in my office.

166

We all walk in one morning,

and it's like, what and where?

167

is that smell.

168

Something, something had

died somewhere in the walls.

169

I don't remember if we talked

about this on pod, but I think

170

we definitely talked about

171

this.

172

That for just a couple of days, like

the building maintenance was, the smell

173

was worst in my office, of course.

174

And they were like drilling holes in my

wall to stick a camera up there, trying

175

to figure out where the thing had died.

176

And they couldn't, they tried from the

bottom, they tried from the top, but

177

there was like something in the way.

178

And uh, they're like this guy

that Gary Cole has apparently

179

been sending into the tubes.

180

They're just like, I don't know

man, it's, I can't find it, but

181

Xhafer: yeah.

182

Um, I don't, I don't empathize.

183

Like, I don't, I have, I have problems

understanding the situation because I

184

have a super keen sense of smell and

so I smell shit that like, people don't

185

smell all the time to the point where

I'm just, I've given up on It it used to

186

be a game in college, I could tell you

what the specials were in the cafeterias,

187

walking outside, like, walking around

outside the buildings on our way in, I

188

could tell you what all the specials were.

189

Laura: the specials were.

190

Xhafer: Um,

191

and if I wasn't so, I don't

know how I'm congested in

192

Vegas, this is a fucking desert,

193

Laura: It's, it's the cigarette smoke.

194

It's gotta be.

195

Xhafer: sense, yeah.

196

Actually, now that you say

it, that's obviously but.

197

Yeah, it's just, I just will

always smell something like

198

Laura: that.

199

I

200

understand.

201

Xhafer: so I've just given up on

it, but I understand what Gideon's

202

going through as he just gets

obsessed with the smell on the tram.

203

And then they quickly get a distress

signal from a flying saucer.

204

And we find aliens that are

clearly Mulder and Scully aboard.

205

Laura: Obviously, like the red

tentacles for Scully's red hair.

206

It's like, this is a delight.

207

I'm enjoying this.

208

Uh, And for some reason we are

wearing earth business suits.

209

We have one male, one female.

210

We have the tentacle hair.

211

We've got paranoia and we got guns.

212

Like they seem to have regular guns

that our molder analog pulls out.

213

So wait,

214

I

215

Xhafer: called them Mulder and

Scully in my notes the entire time.

216

I know that they had other names.

217

I did not bother to write them

218

Laura: No, I'm not sure that

Scully was ever given a name.

219

And I'm looking back at our

producer, and he's just shrugging.

220

He doesn't know either.

221

Xhafer: I think they had a name for her

222

Laura: referred to Mulder more

often, and his name was Durkhani.

223

I caught that, but I

didn't ever catch a name

224

Xhafer: think he says

her name at one point.

225

Laura: once.

226

Yeah.

227

Xhafer: Typical for 90s sci fi.

228

Laura: Yeah.

229

Xhafer: They uh, grab one of the

guards from the Excalibur because

230

they want a hostage, but that doesn't

quite according to plan when Matheson

231

telepaths into Mulder and makes

him think that his gun is a snake,

232

Laura: is a snake,

233

Xhafer: interesting, like, choice.

234

Laura: Like,

235

Xhafer: Like, you're

236

assuming that one, they have snakes.

237

Like, I, I guess, I guess it

could work one of two ways.

238

You either make him fear the thing

in his hand and he saw the snake.

239

Which implies that they are an

alien planet that has snakes

240

that are recognizable to humans.

241

And scary.

242

Um, or, he put the snake there and

the dude had no idea what the fuck it

243

Laura: it was.

244

Yeah,

245

which would

246

Xhafer: It's just like, for, I

don't know, for tentacle aliens,

247

snakes feels like a weird choice.

248

Because they're not quite Medusas, right?

249

But they've got that kind of generic

shape as part of their being.

250

Laura: kind of generic shape

as part of their being.

251

Yeah, I just wouldn't

252

Xhafer: Yeah, I just would like,

I don't know, go for like, Mammal.

253

Laura: what

254

Xhafer: Something that is not

clearly what they look like.

255

Although I guess maybe that's what they

256

Laura: I guess maybe that's what they

257

eat.

258

Yeah,

259

a ton about the new

telepath rules and such.

260

And so this, the snake projection

leads into a discussion between

261

Gideon and Matheson about

like what he's allowed to do.

262

You know, he was, it's

an emergency situation.

263

I'm allowed to project this, but I'm

not, still not able to invade his mind.

264

Yeah.

265

Yeah.

266

Xhafer: But he says that

they were broadcasting fear.

267

So.

268

They uh, get taken into custody, and

as they're being led to the brig, we

269

get a flashback to the two of them

needing evidence for their claims

270

and heading into space to find it.

271

We see these, like, space shuttles, right?

272

They look like Earth space

shuttles that they've got.

273

But they're escape pods or flying saucers?

274

Laura: is an interesting

choice for an escape pod.

275

Xhafer: It seems like a very poor

use of, like, physical space.

276

Laura: Uh Huh.

277

Xhafer: Like, if you're

flying saucers, right?

278

You have, because you need the

rotation for whatever reason?

279

I don't understand what purpose

that would serve for an escape pod

280

that's only going to be In space.

281

It's a very ineffective means of

locomotion, especially in space.

282

Laura: Yeah,

283

Xhafer: Um, if it does anything,

I don't, I mean, there might be a

284

way to make it do a little bit by,

like, fucking with the weight as it's

285

spitting, but it seems very inefficient.

286

Laura: And you would think

that as an escape pod, like you

287

need to maximize efficiency.

288

These are your lifeboats.

289

Like you need to have pods for everyone

on that ship and so they need to be

290

very efficiently shaped and sized

and located so that in an emergency

291

we're getting on those pods and

we're getting the hell out of here.

292

I don't think a saucer is

your most efficient shape.

293

Xhafer: No, unless they were, like,

loaded in a manner where, like, the brims

294

were kind of, like, overlapping, maybe?

295

if they did serve some kind of

purpose that I don't understand.

296

I know it's just, like, it's the

X Files, so they're in a flying

297

Laura: Right, we need to do

this for like, other reasons,

298

Xhafer: it's for the bit, for sure,

which I will always appreciate doing

299

something for the bit like that.

300

But it's just, I don't know.

301

Laura: It's funny.

302

If you think about it, it's funny.

303

But that's, you know, this

episode is supposed to be funny.

304

So good for them.

305

The other thing I wanted to point out

about this episode, before we get too

306

far, because I noticed it right away, was

that I love the music so much more, and

307

it's because they're doing X Files music.

308

They're not trying to do Crusade music,

and this X Files music is much better.

309

Xhafer: Yeah, it slaps.

310

For sure.

311

It's much better than our normal

synthcore Technomage drumbeats.

312

Laura: Yeah, that's a good one.

313

Xhafer: God, that's a YouTube

channel I never want to find.

314

Laura: and

315

Xhafer: Anyways Gideon Mrs.

316

Coffee and the Wind.

317

He has a conversation about things on

spaceships and how they're different.

318

I imagine I would feel similarly.

319

I, I feel kind of the same being cooped

up in this hotel for several days.

320

Laura: huh, yeah.

321

Xhafer: Like, if it wasn't 110 out,

maybe, I'd go get some air on my face, but

322

Laura: Yeah, the air

hurts your face right now.

323

So no, thank

324

you.

325

Yeah, I could really dial back the

wind being from where the wind comes

326

sweeping down the plane, you know, at

like 70 miles an hour or whatever it is.

327

But,

328

you

329

Xhafer: don't get that up in Michigan.

330

Laura: we do some, some serious wind

and uh, I could dial it back a little,

331

but I would also, I think I would have

that whole stale canned air problem

332

if I was on a spaceship or station.

333

Xhafer: I

334

could definitely, it would get to me

sooner rather than later for sure.

335

Laura: they're very

confused about these aliens.

336

Uh,

337

Xhafer: There are some

incongruities that don't quite line

338

Laura: Yes, Dr.

339

Chambers not seen in this episode, but

she has provided intel that they are

340

very different from humans, but they

have a lot of knowledge of English.

341

They are, they speak a different language.

342

they are translating in

their minds to English.

343

You can tell that from like

their brainwaves and stuff.

344

And then of course they

are dressed like humans.

345

So what's going on?

346

Xhafer: are dressed like humans.

347

So what's going on?

348

Mulder is unable to hold down

his contempt at Gideon's lack of

349

knowledge of the grand conspiracy

of which he is clearly a part of.

350

Laura: the episode,

351

Xhafer: He learned English from

recordings that he found deep underground.

352

But also later in the episode,

they make it sound like English

353

is a super common language that

they've been letting everyone learn.

354

So, did he just get a jump start

on it and then they said fuck it?

355

Or, I don't know.

356

It doesn't really

357

Laura: it, or, I don't know.

358

It doesn't really matter.

359

That might be what happened.

360

Gideon agrees

361

Xhafer: that might be what happened.

362

Gideon agrees to uh, bring him whatever

he needs from their pod to prove his

363

case that there is a conspiracy and if

Mulder can prove it, Gideon will take

364

them home personally to investigate

365

Laura: Meanwhile, B plot, a grunt, is

in the tubes, looking for the smell.

366

Xhafer: Can't find that smell.

367

Laura: Yeah.

368

Hm.

369

Xhafer: Mulder uh, makes

his case to Gideon.

370

He's got a picture of a blimp

that was labeled swamp gases.

371

Laura: huh.

372

Xhafer: A crash landing

of humans and a golf

373

Laura: Yeah.

374

I'm wondering about the golf club.

375

I mean, the crash landing

was labeled weather balloon.

376

Yes, I'm pretty sure Where

how did we get the golf club?

377

Xhafer: You see it on

TV, you've intercepted

378

Laura: You make your own golf club, okay.

379

Yeah

380

Xhafer: there's a photo of Mount Rushmore.

381

Laura: Yes, I like how we sent

this probe to earth, you know Uh,

382

Mulder talks about he personally

ordered this probe somehow to Earth.

383

And Mount Rushmore is what you see.

384

You don't see like the cities and

the peoples and the satellites.

385

Xhafer: was never actually at earth.

386

Laura: Yeah.

387

Okay.

388

Okay.

389

Xhafer: Yeah, no, they've never

actually had, they can't, they can

390

barely leave their solar system.

391

Laura: Yeah.

392

Xhafer: there's no way.

393

Laura: Yeah.

394

So he's getting the falsified probe.

395

Okay.

396

Xhafer: yeah, I mean, so the implication

is that these aliens think that

397

they are like next door to Earth,

like y'all are neighbors, right?

398

Laura: Earth, like,

399

Xhafer: Crusade is that they're like

out on the fringes of known space.

400

They're going to civilizations that

are all dead or whatever way out

401

there, because anything that's close,

They would have explored already, or

402

the Mimbari would have, or someone,

you know, the Centauri, someone

403

would have already done some shit.

404

So they're out in the area of space

where they don't know shit about shit.

405

Laura: shit.

406

And so there's

407

Xhafer: so there's no way that

they are anywhere close to Earth.

408

Laura: just

409

Xhafer: So it's just happenstance.

410

They, there's no way they

could probably reach Earth.

411

And I don't think the government

would want to pick a planet, because

412

I mean, as we find out at the end of

this episode, this is all a ploy, this

413

is all a big government conspiracy.

414

Laura: It's like layers

upon layers upon layers.

415

It's an onion.

416

You keep pulling apart

and it keeps being more.

417

Xhafer: More of the onion, exactly.

418

Um, I would think that you would not

want to be close to the race that you

419

are blaming for all of your problems.

420

Because there will certainly be

some expectation to do some shit.

421

Laura: Yeah.

422

Xhafer: the conspiracy is ever unveiled.

423

Laura: Mm hmm.

424

So, we flashback, we have

another, like, Mulder and Scully

425

being assaulted in their office.

426

And speaking of layers and onions,

they assault one of these attackers,

427

they manage to subdue one.

428

Xhafer: warned you about this

429

Laura: You did I had no idea what

you're talking about listeners So, you

430

know, we've had a busy con and there

was a time yesterday where I was like,

431

okay I'm going up to watch crusade

now and Aaron and I both sat down.

432

We got the episode downloaded.

433

We start watching it and Aaron is

literally nodding off on the couch.

434

Not necessarily because this is a bad

episode All episodes of crusade are not

435

the best but it this one is not that bad

436

Xhafer: Yeah.

437

Laura: But we're just tired

because it's a busy con.

438

So he goes and lays down and

I'm like I'm too tired to take

439

notes, but I'll just watch.

440

No dead ass asleep for 30

minutes of the episode.

441

I caught like the front

five and the back five

442

Xhafer: So

443

Laura: and that's it.

444

So I did watch it again today and

Ja'far had already made like a

445

reference to this sometime yesterday.

446

So we have this attacker that.

447

We have subdued him.

448

I don't know if he's

dead or just knocked out.

449

We, we realize his face is a mask.

450

We pull it off.

451

Underneath his face is a human face.

452

And of course my, my little brain

is spinning about, Oh, okay, well,

453

are there some like rogue humans

out here, like pulling a long con?

454

Xhafer: Oh, yeah, I totally

for a second there I thought

455

it was like IPX doing some shit

456

Laura: yeah.

457

I'm like, okay, so who's,

who's pulling this long con?

458

And then as the, you know, the

dramatic moment progresses.

459

We pull off the human face and

underneath it is another alien face.

460

Xhafer: Yep The same alien to be

clear not some third unknown alien

461

Laura: yes,

462

true.

463

Xhafer: what if it was like a

Narn under there or something?

464

Laura: That'd be hysterical.

465

You can just keep the conspiracy

just going and going and going.

466

Yeah.

467

Xhafer: another mask,

and then another mask.

468

Laura: but they don't

pull that bit too far.

469

You know, we just have the three

faces, but I had a very good chuckle.

470

Xhafer: Yeah, it's so absurd.

471

This is the highlight of

this episode for me, 100%.

472

The mask under the mask

is just so, so good.

473

Gideon wants to know why.

474

That's, that's the big question here.

475

It's all like, Okay, well, yeah, it

looks like humans have fucked around

476

on your world, and there's some Like,

you shouldn't fucking know English.

477

Like, there's some problems here.

478

But why the fuck would we even care?

479

Like, we're not in, like, we're

not running around trying to, like,

480

enslave species or something, and we're

prepping you for that, a la, like,

481

some childhood end or some V shit, you

know, like, none of that is going on

482

Laura: shit.

483

You

484

Xhafer: Um, that's not what

humanity's doing in the stars.

485

So it's just like, what the actual

486

Laura: doing.

487

So it's just like, what

the Yes, very much so.

488

Xhafer: very much so.

489

He's just like, it doesn't make

sense and then another ship pulls

490

up, also unidentified, and they

hail the Excalibur in English.

491

Laura: And Gary

492

Xhafer: And Gary Cole here drops

493

just a charm of a line,

494

either more of the, it's either more

of the same race, or there is an

495

extremely busy English teacher hiding

496

Laura: an extremely busy English teacher

497

Xhafer: And it's Glow, we find out, is

the extremely busy English teacher out

498

Laura: the extremely busy

English teacher out there.

499

Yes.

500

We've been working on our speech and

our drama clearly with all these aliens.

501

Yes.

502

Um, I wanted to say one

thing about before we get Mr.

503

Kendar on

504

Xhafer: to our

505

Laura: and we get this hail.

506

We had Mulder.

507

giving us this very impassioned speech

about, you know, these aliens, you,

508

you all are controlling our government.

509

You are cutting the money to our

schools so that we're ignorant and we

510

cannot confront you and fight back.

511

You are cutting our public housing

to keep us in disarray and poor.

512

Um, and it's just kind of sad

because it feels a little real

513

that Our alien is projecting

514

the shittiness of his own government

and people onto this crazy conspiracy

515

theory about aliens because I

feel like we've had that recently.

516

Yes.

517

Like this is happening to us actively.

518

Xhafer: feel like we've

had that recently, yes?

519

Like, this is happening to us actively.

520

Laura: Yes.

521

Xhafer: Not just holding the

entire government accountable,

522

which is what we should be doing.

523

Laura: Yeah.

524

And that's why Jaffer

wants to move to Scotland.

525

Xhafer: Considering.

526

so, they want a molder, the alien

shows up, you put, you wrote down

527

his name, I literally just called

him the cigarette smoking man.

528

The entire time.

529

I, I also did not bother with his

name because that's clearly who this

530

character was, well before he pulls

out a cigarette in the third act.

531

Laura: was well before he pulls

out a cigarette in the third act.

532

So, Big Man is a government

533

Xhafer: So the cigarette smoking man is a

government agent who basically represents

534

the head of the conspiracy to hide aliens.

535

Um, I don't think he's with the FBI.

536

I don't remember.

537

He's not like their boss.

538

I think he's Mulder's dad or something.

539

Laura: It's always your dad.

540

Xhafer: something,

541

there's

542

Laura: the dads.

543

We want to fight our

544

Xhafer: there's like a familial

connection there somewhere.

545

Maybe he's an uncle or something.

546

I don't know.

547

I haven't watched The X Files

in, well, 20 years give or take.

548

So, I don't really remember

a lot of the details there.

549

But he is the uh, The effective

representative of the human

550

side of the conspiracy to

hide alien activity on Earth.

551

Um, he's the guy who actually

knows what's going on.

552

Laura: Mm-Hmm.

553

Xhafer: And is a constant

thorn in the side of Mulder

554

Laura: and in this case, he's the guy

actively making all the shit up about the

555

aliens rather than the guy hiding aliens.

556

He's the guy like planting all the pieces.

557

Xhafer: cigarette smoking

man comes on board.

558

He explains

559

uh, what's

560

going on?

561

Basically, he gets Mulder and Scully to

kind of play their hand a little bit.

562

Um, he explains this is

all just a uh, a setup.

563

This is all there so that they don't

get conquered or great barriered out

564

of existence until they can catch

up with the rest of the galaxy.

565

They know that they are technologically

enfeebled compared to all the other major

566

races and want to spend time together.

567

Not leaving their immediate star system,

and so they are purposefully, as a

568

society, humbling themselves in order

to have time to develop more advanced

569

technology, so that way when they

do go out into the greater universe,

570

they don't just get curb stomped

571

Laura: Yeah, and this is, he confronts

Mulder and Scully, but the explanation

572

winds up being to just Gideon, I think.

573

and as, as all of these things are

like happening, Mulder eventually

574

kidnaps the cigarette smoking man.

575

He's the hostage.

576

He is demanding that Gideon

charge the pod, I think.

577

We want to get out of here,

you know, give me my helicopter

578

Xhafer: gotta get out.

579

Laura: or my, my airplane and my bucket

of cash and uh, we'll be on our way.

580

And Gideon's like, this

is all so fucking stupid.

581

I would love to just do that.

582

Can we just do that at

583

this point?

584

Xhafer: leave?

585

Laura: Yeah, yeah.

586

But as, as Mulder has kidnapped

the cigarette smoking man,

587

smells, he smells it in the tube.

588

He's like, oh, what?

589

There's a, there's a horrible smell.

590

What is that?

591

Xhafer: go through the tunnels on foot.

592

The mobile infantry is looking around

when Gideon finds the source of

593

the smell and pours poop on people.

594

Laura: that's

595

the, that's it.

596

That's the payoff.

597

I.

598

Was a little surprised.

599

I thought that we were gonna like play

it into like, oh, it knocks them the

600

the horrible smell Knocks out the aliens

and that's how we like catch up to them

601

and and take care of everything Nope.

602

Nope, literally just Gideon's like, oh

my god he sees the pipe that is loose

603

and he's like it's this pipe and he

just like grabs it and pulls it and

604

then just Plop, plop, plop, plop, plop.

605

Just, just poop.

606

Just it's chocolate

607

Saw a chocolate fountain.

608

The prop

609

Xhafer: As someone who recently

saw a chocolate fountain

610

in Hershey, Pennsylvania,

611

It's exactly what it looked like.

612

The prop was identical to the one

on the little Hershey ride you

613

Laura: by and

614

Xhafer: World, yeah.

615

Laura: little whiff.

616

And then Gideon

617

Xhafer: So yep, it's just a bunch of

waste, all comes pouring out of there.

618

It just gets loosened every time it rolls

by and lets out a little whiff and then

619

Gideon just breaks the fucking thing.

620

And just makes it so much worse.

621

And I don't even want to think

about having to repair that.

622

They're on like a ladder,

they're like climbing up

623

Laura: They're climbing

past the pipe, yeah,

624

Xhafer: So we know that there's We've seen

a large group of people with him on both

625

when they get out and before they go in.

626

The implication is that, like, he just

poured poop on, like, 20 people on

627

Laura: he just poured

poop on like 20 people.

628

Yeah.

629

Because we

630

Xhafer: Because we see, like, a dozen

when they're out in the next scene,

631

and none of them are covered in poop.

632

Laura: of

633

Xhafer: So, there's gotta be

more people that were covered in

634

Laura: there's got to

be more people that were

635

Xhafer: Like, don't worry

about shooting this dude

636

anymore, just go, go take a

637

Laura: about shooting this dude anymore.

638

Just go, go take a shower.

639

to go see Dr.

640

Chambers about

641

Xhafer: So, Giddy and the troops

get Mulder and Scully here.

642

And he gets some breeze for his troubles.

643

Laura: the trains

644

Xhafer: as the trains run

by, he feels Breeze on his

645

Laura: peace out on their

646

Xhafer: Mulder and Scully peace out

on their escape pod when they find

647

the cigarette smoking man's gun was

never loaded in the first place.

648

laughs it all off.

649

And then he turns from cigarette

smoking man to Ozymandias.

650

This whole using humanity in a

scapegoat is to prevent Yeah, you can't

651

Laura: blame for everything.

652

That's the actual reason

for the conspiracy.

653

Gideon

654

Xhafer: monster

655

Laura: on

656

Xhafer: we're all

657

no good.

658

There's no way this actually works, right?

659

Like, they've been like, their

government's been seeding all this

660

stuff about human intervention

and now humans have intervened?

661

Laura: Oops.

662

Xhafer: Like, if anything, this

just makes the conspiracy stronger.

663

Laura: this is going to get spun, right?

664

Like this is a gift to

Ozzy Mandias accidentally,

665

Xhafer: For

666

Laura: I do love Gary Cole's like

chaotic energy about the whole thing.

667

Like, let's do it.

668

Let's fuck some shit up.

669

Yeah.

670

Xhafer: this is like gotta be one of

the hardest fuck the prime directive

671

moves in history like obviously they

don't have the prime directive But this

672

is a pre warp species that is being

intervened with by their own government

673

faking out stuff for humanity and just

like Completely change the development

674

and future of this species in like 30

seconds because you're pissed of one

675

Laura: at one dude.

676

It's some real, like, Janeway.

677

I feel like Janeway might pull

this if she was mad enough.

678

Xhafer: Yeah, that's fair

679

Laura: rare.

680

Yeah,

681

Xhafer: damn just the whole thing

just just damn after all this wraps,

682

Gideon goes to the tunnels to feel

wind and drink some tea to credits

683

Laura: goes to the tunnel wind

684

Xhafer: So I got to ask Laura,

on a scale of one to four main

685

guns firing, how do you feel

686

about this

687

Laura: a scale of 1 4 main guns firing?

688

X Files pop culture just

existing in the 90s.

689

Like I understood the references,

not all of them, obviously, because

690

I didn't know the cigarette smoking

man, but I, I got the suits and

691

I got the hair and, and Scully's

whole deal and Mulder's whole deal.

692

And I loved how over it Gary Cole was

like, Gideon's just like, what the fuck?

693

This is stupid.

694

This is all four main guns firing.

695

I'm having a great time here.

696

Xhafer: This

697

is all four main guns firing.

698

I'm having a hard time here.

699

Laura: guns firing at

700

you.

701

It

702

Xhafer: for the con.

703

It

704

Laura: perfect for the con.

705

Like, this was great vibes

for this in person record.

706

Xhafer: Yeah, no, this was just

the hilarious episode that I really

707

fucking wanted out of this show.

708

Laura: Uh Huh

709

Xhafer: And it wasn't

another dead fucking world.

710

Laura: Yeah.

711

I got to describe the magic box to

somebody yesterday at the masquerade

712

bar at like 3:00 AM and how, how

much I fucking loved the box.

713

I was like, this, this is

the moment I turned and I was

714

like, I fucking love this show.

715

Give me more fucking magic box.

716

Like it was, it was a great conversation,

717

Xhafer: It's so absurd.

718

I don't know where you go from here.

719

Laura: know

720

Xhafer: Um, I know that we've got,

like, we've been kind of hanging out in,

721

like, the middle of the pack of episodes

after the increased budget from TNT hit.

722

I know that without the necessity of,

like, our watch order and how we're

723

going about things, we're going to

be going back to earlier produced

724

episodes that were pre the budget

725

increase.

726

Laura: here.

727

Xhafer: And we've seen what these

ones look like, so I don't know

728

that the series is going to get

any better than this episode.

729

We'll see.

730

But we won't be finding out next

week, because next week we go

731

on our mid season movie break.

732

We're going to watch Office Space.

733

We were hoping to watch Office Space

and do it here at STLV and invite a

734

bunch of our friends to come along and

watch it and talk about it with us.

735

I don't think that's happening.

736

Laura: no, I think we've used up a lot of

our time doing other things, but they were

737

all very important, fun, other things.

738

Xhafer: For sure.

739

Uh, No regrets on how we spent

the time at the convention.

740

It's just not gonna happen.

741

So we'll record it sometime after we

get back and have time to recover.

742

Um, there may or may not be guests for it.

743

Laura: Yeah, no idea.

744

We'll see what happens.

745

Xhafer: we haven't, we haven't

talked to anyone about it.

746

We'll see.

747

We'll see what happens.

748

I don't know.

749

Maybe tomorrow at the pool

party we'll put out some

750

Laura: Yeah.

751

this is a magical place.

752

Magic can happen.

753

We can believe.

754

Xhafer: I saw Sean Farrick in a

hallway earlier today and just

755

pointed at him and said, Thank you.

756

And he looked at me and

said, No, thank you.

757

And it was a magical moment.

758

So I mean, Yeah, it's, it's, it, Strange

things can happen at Star Trek Las Vegas.

759

So we'll see what happens then.

760

But before we see what happens, We

have to, of course, say thank you.

761

Laura: Of course.

762

Xhafer: Jeremy, man, I wish you were here.

763

I understand you're not and the

stuff going on that led up to that.

764

I know you got some stuff

going on in your life.

765

taken up some time later in the year.

766

So bummer, maybe next year it'd be

great to have a beer and shoot the shit.

767

But until then, I have to say thank you

for composing the lovely theme music.

768

Laura: And if you want to find

more of Jeremy, you can do that.

769

He is a nuclear Jaguar on iTunes,

Spotify, all those other things.

770

And also on band camp.

771

As JeremySiegel42.

772

bandcamp.

773

com where he's the only Jeremy

Siegel of any importance.

774

Xhafer: Angry Duck Time Machine,

thanks so much for our art.

775

We need to talk to you really

soon about the Battlestar art.

776

Yeah,

777

Laura: Yes.

778

I, I will get on that.

779

I think we've made some decisions on that.

780

Xhafer: Okay,

781

yeah.

782

I think, I think we know

what we're going to do.

783

Laura: Okay.

784

Xhafer: Aaron, in the room.

785

you're going to lean in if you want.

786

You don't have to say anything.

787

You can, you're going to,

well, you're just going to edit

788

it out if you don't like it.

789

So that's fine.

790

Uh, Thanks so much for

editing the podcast.

791

Yeah.

792

Laura: Thanks

793

Xhafer: And just

794

Laura: Bye.

795

Bye.

796

Xhafer: It's been cool to just chill.

797

Laura: It's been great.

798

And thank you listeners for being

here for this very special episode,

799

very special episode of crusade and

very special episode of our podcast.

800

We're so glad you were here.

801

If you want to chat about it,

please join our discord or email

802

us at who are you B five at gmail.

803

com.

804

Xhafer: I'm here for another Two

805

days, and I will be only taking

any corrections for those two days

806

handed over with a tiki drink.

807

Those be the

808

Laura: right, bye.