In this episode of the Happy Music Teacher podcast, we’ll delve into the idea that when a child misbehaves, they're essentially reaching out for help. The episode emphasizes that children lack the developed brains and vocabulary to express their troubles, leading them to communicate through misbehavior. You need to understand that misbehavior is not intentional; rather, it's a way for children to seek help or communicate that something is wrong.

You're encouraged to approach misbehaving students with empathy and patience. The episode advises reaching out to teachers or school psychologists to uncover the underlying issues causing the behavior. A key takeaway is the importance of kindness and understanding, even when faced with disrespectful behavior.   

In this episode you’ll learn some practical strategies for effectively communicating with students, including avoiding public call-outs, offering opportunities for redemption, highlighting improvements, and standing beside students when discussing concerns.

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Now, let's get on to the episode.

If you are in my email community, The Happy Highlights, then you know what our Monday motivation was this week.

It said something like this.

When we look behind the behavior, we see a little struggling human who needs our help with something.

Did you know that when a child misbehaves, they're actually crying out for help?

You know they don't have a very highly developed brain, and you also know that they are still learning vocabulary.

Even your most savvy students, even your students who are very high on the academic level, do not necessarily have a good social vocabulary.

And so most of the time when they act out, it's because they don't have the words or the brain power to tell you what's wrong.

The only way they can tell you that something is wrong is by misbehaving.

They don't do it on purpose.

Their first thought of the day is not, how can I make my teacher's life a living blankety blank blank today?

They just can't help themselves.

They truly can't help themselves.

Even when they're being disrespectful, even when they're getting on your last nerve, even when you look at them and you're like, oh my gosh, this child, I just can't with this child anymore.

They truly don't mean it.

All children want to be loved.

They want people to think positively of them, just like you want that, just like you want your boss, you want your admin, you want your colleagues to think positively of you.

They are truly not trying to get on your last nerve.

And so the next time a student is acting out, I want you to pause, and I want you to take a moment to remember that all they really want is your help, your love, your respect.

They want to make you smile.

They want to make you happy.

They just don't know how.

And I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, Jeanette, seriously, some of these kids just that can't be the case.

But it really and truly is, because if you watch their faces when you get on to them, don't you see their whole demeanor change?

Their face goes down.

They're like their whole body goes down.

They just get into this mode of, oh my gosh, she doesn't like me.

Or, I made her upset.

Or, they really, really don't understand, especially your little ones.

They don't understand because they haven't been trained.

They don't know how to act.

They don't know how to talk to adults.

Of course, this is not all children, but your students who struggle, those ones who get on your last nerve, are doing that because truly nobody has told them how to talk to adults.

If you were to see those children with their parents and with other adults, you would notice that the way that they talk to you is the way that they talk to their parents.

And nobody, either nobody has told them they're doing it wrong, or the parent is not doing a good job of giving consequences and being consistent with consequences, the whole deal.

So I'm going to give you today three steps to help you when a child is acting out.

Number one, take a moment and think, do not react.

If you are upset, especially if you are angry, do not react, take a moment and be like, okay, I'm going to take a breath.

I'm going to think about that this child is little.

I mean, imagine I have a kindergartner right now who every week he gets on my last nerve.

And it is a struggle.

It's totally a struggle to remember that in the moment.

But what I try to do is I try to catch him doing good stuff.

I try to make sure and catch him doing that.

So the first thing you're going to do when any child is acting out no matter who it is, even if that's that one that is just, oh my gosh, you just can't stand it another minute.

They are driving you out of your mind.

Take a moment, take a pause.

If you need to walk out of the room, walk out of the room for a moment and take a breath.

So that is the first thing you're going to do.

The second thing you're going to do is you are going to talk to their teacher or the school psychologist or whoever it is, your admin, usually assistant principals, are in charge of behavior, at least in the schools that I've worked in.

Find out what's going on.

Find out what's going on.

If they aren't able to tell you what's going on, talk to the teacher, the school psychologist, the admin, and find out what's working for them.

Because there is going to be something that they are doing that's working.

And if there's not anything, then maybe that becomes something that you help with.

Maybe you find, like, we have had students before who like to go to PE and help the PE teacher out, or they like to go to music and they like to help the music teacher out, or they like to go to art and help set up supplies.

Find something to help this child.

Many times, if a student is struggling in your class, you're going to notice that they have, maybe in their classroom, they have a folder that they get signed off on, that sort of thing.

I always ask, does so and so have a folder?

Does Johnny have a folder that you can bring to music class?

Does he have some sort of a sheet where he's working towards something positive?

Because I would like to be a part of that.

Then the other thing you can do is, so, my first step is to redirect in the classroom and try to solve it that way.

If that's not working and we're talking about these students who are acting out fairly consistently, the next thing you're going to do is talk to the teacher, the school psychologist, et cetera.

And when you talk to that person, you're going to figure out what it is that is going to help them.

So what is happening in their classroom that's going to help them?

What is happening in school?

Whatever it happens to be.

And there's lots of strategies you can use.

Now, if the teacher does not have strategies, things aren't working for them, then it's going to be up to you to sort of fix it in your classroom, which really is probably what should be happening anyway.

But you always want to talk to the teacher and find out kind of what's going on and what's working for them.

Things that I like to do.

So for example, if I have a kiddo who just can't sit still, he just or she just can't sit still, it has to always be on the move, then I've got a couple of strategies I can use.

I can have that student take a walk.

So what I'll do is I will have a little piece of paper that is handy.

And I will say, let's see, for example, I use the word, the name Johnny before.

Johnny, can you do me a favor and can you walk down to Mrs.

Coe's classroom and just hand her this paper and Mrs.

Coe's classroom in my in my school happens to be like two hallways down.

So that's perfect.

So it gives him or her a chance to walk all the way down and walk all the way back.

Now you're going to want to set something up with Mrs.

Coe beforehand.

So you're going to want to be like, okay, I may send Johnny down to your classroom at any point, and if I do that, he's going to hand you this paper, it's going to say nothing, and you're going to be like, oh, thank you so much, Johnny, I really appreciate you delivering this message.

So you don't want to call them out.

You don't want them to know that you're just sending them on like a fake errand.

But that is one thing you can do if a student has trouble sitting still.

If you have a student who is disrespectful, who is, who has trouble following directions, what I like to do is first of all, shower that student with compliments when they are deserved.

I also like to try and catch that student doing things well.

And I like to use that student as my errand person or my person, hey, Johnny, would you do me a favor and go ahead and close the classroom door?

Or Johnny, would you do me a favor and help me pass out these instruments?

So if you give that student something to do that's going to make them feel important and make them feel noticed, that is going to help because you and I both know they're trying to be noticed.

They are trying to make sure that everybody sees them and hears them and knows them.

And they are trying to get your attention in whatever way they can.

So that is part of that whole strategy of talking to their teacher, finding out what's going on.

Be patient, be kind, even when they're not.

You are the adult.

It is important that you are respectful to them, even if they're not respectful to you.

Number three, smiles and hugs go a really long way, especially with kiddos who are struggling to behave.

So if you can, no matter what's happening, if you get your angry face on or you get that angry teacher tone in your voice, and I know sometimes it's hard not to do that, but if you do that, then those students truly believe that you don't like them.

My own son, Taylor, when I would correct him, I would get like my mommy voice on and I would correct him and he would be like, mommy, stop yelling at me.

And I'd be like, I am not yelling at you.

I am just, I just had a tone in my voice, right?

But to him, it felt like I was yelling at him.

So you want to be careful about what your face looks like.

You want to be careful about what the tone of your voice is like.

And again, I get it, it is hard.

But if you are conscious of your body language, that is going to help.

And if you are like, even, you know, if you do happen to get that teacher voice on or the teacher, you know, face on, then at the end of class, you can pull that child aside and kind of be like, hey, I just wanted to let you know, I'm not upset with you.

I'm just trying to make sure that you're safe and you're following the direction so that you can learn the most you can.

Now, I want to give you a bonus tip, and that is this.

When you are talking to a student, I have five strategies for talking to a student because sometimes we need to do that.

Sometimes no matter whether we're redirecting or we're being consistent or whatever we're doing, it's not working.

So number one, never call them out in front of other people.

Nobody likes to be called out in front of others.

So I like to, I mean, you know, you can be like, I like the way so-and-so is doing this and I like the way so-and-so is doing that.

And you know, there are a couple of people in the classroom who are just not doing the right thing.

There are a couple of people who are not following the directions, and I really wish that I could tell them what a good job they're doing.

So I wish that they would be following the directions.

Or you can get more specific than that.

You can say something like, I notice that someone in the classroom is not sitting in rest position.

I sure hope that I do not have to put anybody's instrument in timeout.

So and then sometimes people will point and I'm always like, nope, we are not telling on someone.

I am totally aware of who it is.

I'm just not calling them out in front of others because that's not polite and respectful.

Number two, give them a chance to redeem themselves.

So before you call a kid out to their teacher, give them a chance to redeem themselves.

I like nothing more than talking to a student or being like, you know, redirecting students and then talking to the teacher and being like, Johnny had kind of a rough start, but boy, you should see he ended up just awesome.

He just ended up following the directions and he totally turned it around.

So I will do that because first of all, the teachers love to hear that, second, the student loves to hear it.

Number three, always talk about how much they've improved.

That kind of goes with the same thing of giving them a chance to redeem themselves.

But when a student is acting out and you notice that they're doing something well, it's always important to be like, Oh my goodness, Johnny, I love how well you're listening.

Thank you for listening so well.

So you always want to talk to them about how much they've improved or give them compliments.

Number four, stand beside them when you're talking to them.

You do not want to get in their face.

You do not like, I shouldn't say you because maybe you do.

I don't think so, but maybe you do.

I do not like it when somebody gets in my face.

It bothers me.

So and you know, because it makes me feel uncomfortable.

It makes me feel like they're angry or it makes me feel like, you know, like they're upset with me and it's intimidating.

So you want to get down on that child's level, lean over and stand beside them when you're talking to them.

And let me give you some other tips about when you're talking to them.

When you are talking to them, the thing that I find that's the most effective is telling a child, you know what, you are a leader in this class because most times that child, everybody is watching that child, right?

And so they are a leader.

They're just the wrong kind of leader.

So I will say to them, if I'm going to talk to them, you are a leader in this class and everybody is watching you.

You have a superpower.

You are a leader and I would love it.

This is this is actually something I stole from my art teacher years ago.

When I heard her saying it to somebody, I will say use your powers for good and make sure that if you are being a leader, you are being a positive leader that you are showing everybody how to act in the classroom.

Number five, compliment them to their teacher, to their parents, to the other students when they've done a good job.

So I have a class that struggles hard.

They are like the most precious, adorable little kindergartners and I love love love their teacher.

And it's the hardest kindergarten in the school.

And she has, I kid you not, like seven or eight students who really really struggle.

And I was, I don't know what happened last week, but I saw her and I was like, this one did this and this one did this and this one did this.

And, you know, I could just see in her face, she was just like, oh my gosh, like she's tired of hearing it, you know?

And obviously she needs to hear it sometimes, but I also feel like, you know, I just feel like I overdid it and I felt bad.

And so I am going to plan on when I see her class this week, I am going to plan on just trying to find a different way to talk to her if there's an issue, because I know that she was, she wasn't upset with me.

She was just like, oh my gosh, my class, you know?

And this is the same teacher that at the beginning of the school year, I had two students who really struggled like every week.

And one week, I had to have people sharing instruments, and those were the two kids that it ended up had to share, and they were so awesome about it.

So I wrote each of them a positive note, and I gave it to their teacher to give to their parent or whoever takes care of them at home.

And you should have seen her face.

I mean, she was like so excited, and she said, thank you, thank you so much, because these two kiddos are struggling so hard, and they have not seen very much positive, and it's from anybody.

And I can't tell you how much this will mean to them, to their parents, and it means a lot to me.

So you have to remember that those students are having a lot of negatives said about them.

So if you can find positive things to say to them, about them, to the admin, whatever it happens to be, whoever's paying attention to them, those are the people that need to hear when they've done a good job.

And first of all, for that child, second, for the adult, because that adult wants to hear when the positive thing is happening.

In fact, I passed by my assistant principal's office last week, and there was a kiddo in there, and she was calling his mom to be like, your child has been doing such a great job.

This is a positive office referral.

So try to do some of those positive office referrals.

Let's go back and do a quick review.

First of all, when a child misbehaves, they're actually crying out for help.

They don't have the vocabulary to tell you what's wrong, and the only way they can tell you is by misbehaving.

They're not doing it on purpose.

They're not trying to make your life miserable.

They truly just can't help themselves.

So when a child is acting out, take a moment.

That is step number one.

Take a pause and try to remember that they really just want and need your help, your respect, a smile from you, etc.

Number two, if nothing you're doing is working, talk to their teacher, talk to the school psychologist, talk to your admin, find some people to help you.

And number three, smiles and hugs go a long way, especially with those students who are struggling to behave.

If you got some great tips and tidbits that are going to help you become a better teacher, become a happy music teacher, I would be so thankful if you'd leave me a review.

Thanks so much for your time.

Well, that's all I have for you today.

But before I go, let me remind you, keep learning, keep growing, and keep being Fabulous You.