157. Why I Don’t Make Kids Apologize (And What I Do Instead)

You're listening to the Counselor Chat podcast, a show for school counselors looking for easy to implement strategies, how to tips, collaboration, and a little spark of joy.

I'm Carol Miller, your host. I'm a full time school counselor and the face behind counseling essentials. I'm all about creating simplified systems, data driven practices, and using creative approaches to engage students.

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Because we're better together. Ready to chat? Let's dive in. Hey everyone.

Welcome back to another episode of Counselor Chat. I'm your host, Carol Miller. And today's episode might be a little controversial because we're talking about this why I don't make kids apologize for inappropriate behavior.

Now, before you think. Wait, what?

Let me just say this. Right from the start,

I absolutely 100% believe in accountability.

I believe that kids need to own their own actions,

understand the impact and repair the harm.

But here's where I'm going to challenge the norm a little bit.

An apology is not the same thing as accountability.

And I think there's a problem with forced apologies.

You've seen it, I've seen it.

A student does something inappropriate,

they're brought to you,

you walk them through it.

And then comes the moment,

now go say you're sorry.

And what do we get?

We get a rushed, mumbled,

half hearted sorry,

or even worse, a kid who says all the right words, I'm sorry for what I did. I know it was wrong. Next time I will.

But you can feel it.

They don't mean it.

They're not there yet.

And here's the thing.

When we force an apology before a student is ready,

we're not teaching empathy.

We're just teaching compliance.

So because a lot of times,

even when kids admit,

yeah,

I did it,

they're still thinking,

but I wasn't wrong,

or they deserved it,

or that teacher was overreacting.

If that's where they are internally,

an apology, it just isn't real.

It's just a script.

And I'll be honest, I would much rather hear a student say,

I shouldn't have done that without the I'm sorry,

than force them to say words they don't believe.

Because that,

that's the beginning of accountability.

So here's what I do instead.

So instead of forcing the apology,

I really try to focus on the restorative process.

And for me, that has a few really key parts.

You have to understand the why before anything else. I want to know what was the driving force behind the behavior.

Were they frustrated? Embarrassed? Were they trying to get some attention?

Were they avoiding something?

Because behavior doesn't come out of nowhere.

And if we skip this step,

if we skip this step,

we miss everything.

We need to take ownership without forcing agreement.

And I use think sheets a lot in my practice.

And what I'm looking for here is,

can the student name what they just did?

Not defend it, not justify it, just name it.

I was talking while the teacher was teaching.

I walked out of the room,

I said something mean.

That's step one,

taking ownership.

Next, we have to build perspective.

And this, my friends, this is where I think the magic happens.

This is the part I think we sometimes rush past,

helping students understand how did this affect someone else?

And I'll often coach them through it, especially in situations with teachers.

Let me give you an example here. You know that moment a teacher corrects a student?

The student starts arguing, and then comes the eye roll.

Now the teacher is done.

D O n e done.

And instead of sending that student back with a forced apology,

I'll sit with them and say, okay,

let's slow this down a bit.

And then I had them say something like,

I heard you say that when you were upset with me,

because when I was doing that, it took your attention away from the other students you were helping.

I mean, did you hear the difference in that?

It's not an apology,

but it's understanding.

And I really love it when I bring the student and the teacher together because I want them to have that understanding.

And then we build from there.

Next time,

what could you do differently?

And the student might say, I'll stay in my seat. I'll raise my hand.

I won't walk out without asking.

And now we're building skills.

And then we repair the relationship when they're ready, of course.

And sometimes that doesn't include an apology.

But here's the key. It's not forced.

It's earned.

It comes from a place of understanding.

And sometimes the repair sounds like,

I shouldn't have said that.

I get why you were upset.

I'll do it differently next time.

My friends. I think that's enough.

And why does this matter?

Because what we're really teaching here isn't say sorry when you do something wrong.

We're really teaching empathy,

perspective, taking responsibility and communication.

We're teaching students that there's more than just their own perspective.

There's the other person's perspective too.

And that is a life skill.

And what I'm seeing right now well, we've been using this approach in our building,

really, for the past few weeks.

And I'll tell you, it's making a difference.

Teachers are having more meaningful conversations with students.

Students are starting to understand the impact,

not just the consequences.

And it's not just go to the counselor,

say, sorry, go back to class.

We're actually repairing relationships.

And that,

that's powerful.

So if you take one thing from today,

I want you to try this.

Instead of saying, go apologize,

try saying tell them what you understood about why they were upset.

That that one shift,

it changes everything.

So apologies, they have their place,

but really, they're not the goal.

Understanding is the goal.

Growth is the goal.

Repair is the goal.

And when we focus on those things,

the apology, when it comes,

it actually means something.

My friends,

in case you haven't been told,

you are doing amazing work.

I know you're sitting there listening to the kids. You're dealing with all kinds of behaviors,

and you're doing probably all the things for everyone.

Remember,

take care of yourself, too.

And until next time, I hope you have a really great week.

Bye for now.

Foreign thanks for listening to today's episode of Counselor Chat. All of the links I talked about can be found in the show notes and at counselingessentials.org podcast. Be sure to hit follow or subscribe on your favorite podcast player.

And if you would be so kind to leave a review, I'd really appreciate it.

Want to connect? Send me a DM on Facebook or Instagram at Counseling Essentials.

Until next time.

Can't wait till we chat. Bye for now.

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