Shownotes
In The Soul Mirror, hosted by Shreya, this episode explores how self-awareness becomes the foundation for emotional clarity and inner alignment.
This conversation is for anyone feeling stuck in patterns, overthinking, or silently overwhelmed. Kurt Bush shares how self-awareness helps you move from reaction to intention, understand your emotional patterns, and reconnect with your authentic self—without judgment or pressure.
About the Guest
Kurt Bush is a certified Internal Family Systems practitioner, trauma-informed coach, and co-founder of Brimstone Coaching Group. His work focuses on helping individuals move from self-doubt and burnout into clarity, authenticity, and wholeness.
Episode Chapters
00:00 – Opening reflection on emotional health
02:15 – What people truly seek in self-awareness
05:40 – Misconceptions about emotional health
09:10 – Self-awareness vs overthinking
13:25 – Trauma and emotional patterns explained
18:50 – How autopilot shapes adult behavior
24:10 – Starting self-awareness safely
Key Takeaways
- Self-awareness starts with noticing, not fixing
- Reflection should lead to action, not rumination
- Past experiences quietly shape present reactions
- Self-compassion is essential for real growth
- Awareness grows from hindsight to real-time clarity
How to Connect With the Guest
Website: https://www.brimstonecoachinggroup.com/
Connect with Kurt: https://www.brimstonecoachinggroup.com/1-1coaching
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Transcripts
00:00:08 Shreya: Welcome to the Soul Mirror, a space where we slow down, look inward, and gently explore the patterns shaping how we feel, relate, and live. I'm your host, Shreya and today we are joined by Kurt Busch, a certified internal family system practitioner, trauma informed coach and co-founder of Brimstone Coaching Group, whose work helps people move from self-doubt and exhaustion into clarity, authenticity and wholeness. Today, we're exploring a deeply human question how does self-awareness shape emotional health? And more importantly, what changes when we begin to understand ourselves with honesty instead of judgment? Welcome, Kurt. I'm honored and really grateful to have you on my show.
00:00:53 Kurt Bush: Yeah. Nice to meet you. Thanks for having me. Glad to be here.
00:00:57 Shreya: Thank you so much. Kurt and I want to begin somewhere simple and human like. When someone say, I want to be more self-aware. What do you feel they are actually longing for beneath those words?
00:01:11 Kurt Bush: Yeah, that's a great question. That's a great question. Um, I think, I think at its core level, I think people want to know. Well, I certainly this applies to me too. I think people certainly want to know why they do the things they do and why they respond the way they do. And I think maybe the most human question in that is, does it have to stay that way or can it change or can I grow or can I transform? Or can I be different tomorrow than I am today?
00:01:46 Shreya: Yeah, that's, that's really well explained. And I think that brings up something interesting because self-awareness is often talked about like it's automatically a good thing. But I'm curious, what do people commonly misunderstand about self-awareness when it comes to emotional health?
00:02:04 Kurt Bush: Yeah, that's, that's also a good question. You know, I like the way you frame this with emotional health. Uh, so maybe let me define emotional health first. When we think about emotional health in our coaching practice, This. We really kind of couch it in this idea that when we're emotionally healthy, we live and lead in ways that align most fully with who and how we want to be. That when when we can do that more often than not, when we can get more clear on what that looks like. That's really what we think about when we say emotional health. So I think when we frame self-awareness in that, when we think about, you know, if, if emotional health is being more aligned with who and how we want to be, I simply cannot be more aligned with who and how I want to be. Until I'm really clear on who and how I want to be. Um, that requires self-awareness. But I think oftentimes what we see is people resist self-awareness for a couple reasons. Uh, first, people don't really know how to do this work. Um, it is, it is hard. It's hard work. Uh, that, that often stirs up things that are unexpected in us. Um, you know, we say all the time that if, if people knew how to do this work, they would already be mature, right? If, if I knew how to do this work ten years ago, I wouldn't have needed a good coach to help me do it. Um, people just, frankly don't know how to grow self-awareness. Um, I think the other thing that stands out to me is I had a client once who made self-awareness, uh, made, made a metaphor, an analogy to these kind of old school toys. Maybe you're familiar with these. It's a toy that looks like a like a jar. It has a screw on lid. And inside the jar is like a set of springs that are covered in fabric to look like snakes. And when you pull the lid off, when you unscrew the lid, the, the, the joke of the toy is these snakes fly everywhere uncontrollably. They just spring out of this jar and they're supposed to scare the person using it. Um, a client made the analogy. That said, sometimes self-awareness feels like that toy. Like if I if I start to take the lid off and start to uncover what's going on inside of me and what's actually so in my life and my leadership. What if, what if all the snakes pop out? Like what if, what if all the, all the things come out that I'm not ready for? Or what if I can't put the lid on in time? What then? So I think there is a, a wisdom and discernment that has to go along with self-awareness to be able to, to do it in a way that's, that's manageable, that's attainable, that's healthy. Um, but certainly there is a resistance there in some people.
00:04:56 Shreya: And maybe this is where some people get stuck. They think being self-aware means endlessly analyzing every feeling, every reaction, every flaw. So how do you tell the difference between healthy self-awareness and just getting trapped in overthinking.
00:05:13 Kurt Bush: That's such a good question. Um, I think it's a fine line. I think it's often a hard line to, to find. I think what we like to tell our clients is I think healthy self-awareness will lead to action. Um, healthy self-awareness will lead to some sort of actionable learning in us. Uh, that will take steps, uh, take empowered steps towards transformation. I think overthinking is often something that leads us to this sort of cyclical thinking where we never really get into action. Um, maybe an example of this is a story a client told me the other day. A client said to me, uh, just the other day that they know that they are a people pleaser, that they have a hard time saying no. And what they uncovered inside of themselves is that they have a hard time saying no because they get really worried about interpersonal relationships being damaged or being eroded. So what they, what they worked on was to say, why do I, why do I believe that it has that shown true in previous encounters? And is that threat real? And then that person, that client, decided they were going to try on saying no. And they tried on saying no and they did it. And they were able to celebrate a different level of assertiveness than they've had before. I think the overthinking in that scenario looks like a cyclical. What are people going to think of me if I say no? What are the consequences without ever trying it on to see for themselves?
00:06:56 Shreya: I think that feels very important because reflection can heal, but rumination can quietly drain us. And I think a lot of listeners will recognize themselves there, like not absent from their inner world, but maybe too harsh. Inside.
00:07:12 Kurt Bush: Yeah, yeah, I love that. That's great.
00:07:16 Shreya: And also like when someone has a hard time being truly self-aware, not just intellectually, but emotionally, what tends to be underneath that? Is it fear, old conditioning, trauma, identity? What do you tend to see?
00:07:31 Kurt Bush: Yeah, that's a good question. Um, let me say first, we, we believe in our coaching practice that that self-compassion is key, right? Being able to give ourselves compassion. Uh, if something feels hard, there's probably a reason why it feels hard. So beating ourselves up doesn't make it any easier. Uh, so let me just preface that. I think anything I answer here, I want to couch in the idea of self-compassion. Um, I think what I see most, and I think this is really thanks to this sort of Western or American kind of mental model of leadership. I think many people I talk to feel like self-awareness, uh, is, is sort of a, a lazy practice or they feel like it's weak or in inaction. Um, you know, there's such a Western philosophy that says we must always be doing something and that our worth, our value is connected to what we do and what we can produce and what we can, you know, at the end of the day, say, here's what I did. And I think what I see most often is a resistance to feeling like someone is lazy or not producing or not working hard enough or not, you know, not giving enough. Uh, it's hard to show at the end of the day, here's the self-awareness that I gained of myself. And here's the benefit of it. That's really hard to do. Uh, so I think most of the clients that we see in our, in our world are leaders that are just deathly afraid of slowing down too much, of losing grip of control, or losing productivity. Uh, and sort of giving away that, that feeling of like, hey, here's what I did today, if that makes sense.
00:09:21 Shreya: Yes, it definitely makes sense. And, uh, also like in your work, especially with internal family systems and trauma informed coaching, how do protective patterns show up? Like the parts of us that may look controlling people pleasing, perfectionistic, or even emotionally shut down?
00:09:42 Kurt Bush: Yeah, yeah. So, so we think about, uh, those two aspects of our coaching like this. First, we deal with people's little T trauma. We think there's two types of trauma. There's big T trauma, which is sort of a catastrophic, um, life altering event. You know, uh, not everyone has big T trauma in their lives, but we think everybody has little T trauma. Little T trauma is, um, you know, the situation where as a teenager, we got made fun of by our peers and that that taught us that that part of the world is unsafe or our actions are dangerous or risky, or if we do a certain thing, we'll get ridiculed or made fun of. Uh, those are little t trauma moments. And we think that every one of us as adults, um, have those little t trauma moments, uh, that, that impact how we show up as adults. They impact how we lead, they impact how we, um, how we, you know, parent or how we're a spouse or how we show up in volunteer organizations or our recreation, whatever it is, little T trauma shows up everywhere. Uh, because our nervous systems are really good at keeping ourselves safe. even when we don't need it. So we think that that little T trauma is, is just present in our lives all the time. And until we become aware of it, until we become aware of its influence and how it's driving the bus of our reactions, we think that that will just continue to always stay in place. Um, in terms of internal family systems, uh, we, we believe that, that every one of us has parts of us that we've exiled. Uh, maybe those are the, the parts, uh, that, that allow us to feel angry. Uh, maybe those are the parts that allow us to feel proud of ourselves. Uh, we think every one of us, because of those little t trauma moments, have parts of us that we've said, uh, we don't need you. You can, you can go away. You can stay buried in the deepest parts of ourselves, uh, never to be heard from again. Um, and, and that's, that's not true to our whole selves. are most true. Whole selves will welcome all of those parts. So, so we, we believe that if I'm going to be a leader from the, the most whole part of my life, or if I'm going to lead from my sense of wholeness, it's going to have to include those parts of me that I've exiled long ago in my little T trauma. Um, it's also going to require me to tell other parts of me, like the firefighter in me or the manager in me. Uh, it's going to require me to tell them, uh, that they can take a break, that they can sit this one out, that they can calm down. They don't need to respond like they always have. Uh, so I think those two parts of our coaching philosophy just show up in every conversation we have with clients.
00:12:46 Shreya: I think there is a lot of compassion in that lens. I think it shifts the question from what's wrong with me? To what part of me learn this for a reason?
00:12:57 Kurt Bush: Um, yes. Yes.
00:13:00 Shreya: And I think that alone can soften so much shame. Like once people start seeing those inner patterns more clearly, I imagine life begins to look differently in very practical ways too.
00:13:14 Kurt Bush: Yes, Shreya, I love that so much. Um, I don't know if you or the listener have ever seen the movie Inside Out by Disney Pixar. Uh, but, but the inside Out movies are portrayals of internal family systems theory and they're fascinating. And there's, there's a part in the second one where anxiety is a character is a, you know, a humanoid kind of personified character. And anxiety is just going crazy in the main character's, uh, sort of mind control center and anxiety is running amok. And, uh, someone someone finally says to anxiety, uh, hey, you don't have to do this. And anxiety looks at the character and says, but I was just trying to help. And I think that moment encapsulates so much of what you say, that the parts of us that we often think are out of control, that are hurting us, that are negative, actually are just trying to help us and keep us safe. And I think the ability to listen to them really is the key to understanding what it means for us to be a whole human being.
00:14:26 Shreya: Yes. Uh, I haven't really watched the movie, but I heard of it, uh, in social media. Also, I've seen a lot of clips, so I think I'm familiar with the characters, but I haven't watched this. But after this, uh, conversation, I'm surely going to watch the film.
00:14:39 Kurt Bush: Yes, yes.
00:14:42 Shreya: And I'm also curious, like how a lack of self-awareness tends to show up in everyday emotional life. Like not in theory, but in real moments, like relationships, work, stress, conflict, burnout, even the way people talk to themselves.
00:14:59 Kurt Bush: Yeah, yeah, that's a great question. So, so we think about, uh, we think about first formation as an important part of how we show up as adults. And first formation for us means that time of life, uh, from like, I don't know, elementary school that would be like age five to age eighteen. Um, and in that first formation time we learned not only like how to be ourselves, but we also learned how to see the world. We learn, uh, what's safe, what's dangerous. We learn how to protect ourselves. We learn how to get attention. We learn how to get affection and not be abandoned. We learn all of those things. And I don't think it can be understated that when we learn them, we hold on to them. So without some level of self-awareness, those things become just automatic default autopilot about how we show up in the world. And that becomes a problem because we just assume that it's normative, or we assume that it's, uh, that it's, you know, what it means to be an adult, to be anxious or to be, uh, or to lash out at people. Uh, I have a, I have a client who, um, who would say that they went through a season of their life, uh, with a fear of being found out as an imposter and they're in their fifties. I mean, they're in their fifties. Uh, and, and they would say that they thought every adult just felt this way. This is just what it means to be an adult, because they learned early on that in their first formation, there's a danger to being found out. And I think without a level of self-awareness, without doing the work, this client of mine would just continue to do those things of hiding and protecting. Uh, as if they needed to be done. Even though they don't. Um, I have another client who for a long time would say. I'm the least anxious person, you know? And what I knew from the outside is he was maybe the most anxious person that I knew. Uh, and that lax lack of self-awareness just caused him to continue to believe one thing about himself, while others experienced a completely different thing. Uh, about the way that he showed up. So I think that lack of self-awareness just allows us to get stuck in patterns that may not even fit who we want to be, may not even fit how we want others to experience us. We'll just continue to do that until, I mean, maybe forever. If we don't develop a lack of or if we don't develop self-awareness.
00:17:32 Shreya: Yes, I think that lands deeply because so many people are praised for coping while silently struggling.
00:17:41 Kurt Bush: And Yeah.
00:17:43 Shreya: For someone listening or who realizes I have been moving through life on autopilot, where does self-awareness begin in a way that feels safe and doable? Like not overwhelming?
00:17:56 Kurt Bush: Yeah, that's a great question. Um, I want to highlight safe. I just, I want to make sure that all of this is couched in a way that says everybody's, everybody's threshold of doing this work is a little different. So, you know, listen to yourself as you begin this work. But we like to invite people to notice the places throughout their day where they experience regret and remorse. Um, and I know that those, those feel a little stronger than I want them to, but you know, the places in the day where maybe a listener leaves a meeting and says, man, I wish I would have said that, but I didn't or I wish I wouldn't have said what I said. Or maybe they leave, uh, you know, a hard conversation and they say, I wish I wouldn't have lashed out or whatever the whatever the I wish is we we invite people to begin there. Notice those places throughout the day where you just feel a desire that something would have gone differently. Um, and the desire that we would have shown up differently. Those are the places that I think it's easiest to start because we already, we already know something is, is not right. We already know something is misaligned with who and how we want to be. So we, we invite people to notice those and then begin to ask some key questions. Um, again, free of shame, no judgment. We're just looking for facts at this point. No, no evaluation of good or bad. But we'll, we'll ask questions like what happened in that moment that you felt regret and remorse. Uh, who was involved? Uh, you know, what emotions did you feel? And then maybe most importantly, what did you do? And what would you do differently if you could redo that? We think that that sort of reflection on those moments of regret and remorse are really, really great places to start to begin to grow self-awareness.
00:19:59 Shreya: I really appreciate that because it makes self-awareness feel less like a personality trait and more like a practice.
00:20:08 Kurt Bush: And yes.
00:20:11 Shreya: And also like when people begin becoming more self aware, it can actually feel uncomfortable at first. Like they start noticing patterns they can't unsee. They may feel grief, embarrassment, or even resistance. So what helps people stay with the process instead of shutting down or slipping back into old habits?
00:20:33 Kurt Bush: Yeah. Great question. I love the way you said that. They start seeing things and they can't unsee them. I think that's so beautiful. Um, I think I would always say, uh, that that we are going to slip back into old patterns. Uh, myself included. I've been doing this work for nearly a decade and, and there are still moments where I show up in ways that I wish I didn't. Uh, so I always like to start with a healthy dose of self-compassion to say no matter how much work we do, we probably are going to revert back from time to time. And there's, there's beauty in apologizing to ourselves and saying, you know, we get to try it again next time. I think the best way to keep people going, um, is to find a, find a little win, find a little win where we can look back and say, um, you know, I am, I am more aware today than I was yesterday. Uh, we believe that that growth is a spectrum, uh, that many of us go through life just unaware. Many adults. There's some Harvard business or Harvard School of Business Studies that say something like, eighty five percent of adults don't consider themselves self-aware. So many of us go through life just unaware of what's so and who we are and how it aligns with who we want to be. Uh, so, so that's the beginning. If the beginning is unaware. Um, the next step in that spectrum that we think is being able to see in the rearview mirror that, that we're not aligned with who and how we want to be. That's where self-awareness begins. We can see it in the past. I might not be able to see it in the moment when I'm lashing out or I'm withdrawing or whatever I'm doing. I might not see it in the moment, but I can see it in the past. And then the final step of growth is to be able to see it real time. So I think what I would want to say to your listeners is when you start to see it in the past, it probably feels like shame. It probably feels like, man, why didn't I notice that? Or why couldn't I do something about that when in actuality that's growth. Being able to see it at all is growth. So celebrate being able to see it in the past even though you want to see it in in real time. Celebrate being able to see it, period.
00:22:52 Shreya: I really like that because that's such a grounding reminder that real change is often quieter than people expect. It may look like catching yourself, uh, Lyme sooner, judging yourself a little less, and choosing honesty over performance. And this is truly a very amazing conversation with you. Thank you for sharing so much of your knowledge, your experiences, your story with us, and for guiding my listeners. And if there is one thing I'm taking from this conversation is that self-awareness is not about becoming harder on yourself. It's about becoming honest enough to key And if after this, my listeners want to connect with you and want to know more about you, about your coaching, your work, your podcast, then what's the best place to find you?
00:23:40 Kurt Bush: Yeah, thanks for asking. Our website is the best place to find us. Our website is brimstone coaching Group.com. Um, on that website, they can find, uh, free links to, to connect with myself or my coaching partner to, to have a free conversation, just to wonder if, if our coaching philosophy is right for your listener, if they're wanting to explore self-awareness a little more, we'd love to have that conversation free of charge. Um, also on the, on the website, people can find links to our podcast live fully lead authentically, um, or they can find a link to our, our book, we published a book that we think is sort of our coaching philosophy written down. This is a great way to get to know who brimstone coaching group is, why we do the work we do and how we do that work. That book is called Live Fully, Lead Authentically, and you can find that link on our website as well.
00:24:36 Shreya: Yes. And I will make sure to attach all these details and links below so that the listeners can find them easily and get in touch with you. And for my listeners, thank you for joining us on the social media. Today's conversation is a gentle reminder that emotional health doesn't always begin with a big answer. Sometimes it begins with a pause, a pattern noticed, a feeling finally named a part of yourself made with compassion instead of criticism. And if this episode stayed with you, then take a moment today and ask yourself, what have I been feeling that I haven't made space to understand? And if this conversation felt meaningful, share it with someone who may need that question too. Until next time, be gentle with your inner world. It's still speaking, and it may be telling you that the truth that healing begins with seeing yourself clearly. And do not forget to hit the follow button. Subscribe and feel free to share your thoughts because your ears deserve premium content. Thank you.
