Have you found yourself at dinner with a man wondering, “How does he feel about me?” You want to know if he likes you, if he thinks you are kind, funny, smart, and worth building a life with. Do you know what influences how he sees you? Well, in this episode, you’ll learn three things that can really impact how the man you are with feels about you and it may not be what you expect. 

Key Takeaways 

• How to know how he feels about you and what he thinks about you?
• Why your own self-image impacts how he feels about you. 
• Why trying to control how he sees you can create frustration and conflict in your relationship. 
• How men evaluate you differently than you would evaluate him. 
• How men look for ways to protect and take care of you. 
• How the way you see him influences the way he sees you. 

Bob Grant is a professional life coach and clinically Trained Relationship Expert who’s been working with high achieving women since 1997. His relationship expertise has been featured on Digital Romance, Savvy Miss, GalTime, Belief.net, and YourTango.com just to name a few.

Relationship Headquarters’ coaching programs help high-achieving women experience the same level of success in their relationships as they do in all other areas of their life.

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As far as their impression of you, what they're thinking is for men, everything starts not so much with what he's thinking about you, because most of the time with men, we don't think a lot as far as about her. We go by how we feel. So it's different with someone you love, with the woman you care about, a woman you're interested in. It's how she makes you feel when you're around her. Hi, this is Bob Grant, and welcome to this episode. We're going to talk about how men see, or more specifically how men really see. So a lot [00:00:30] of women will ask me, especially in our live group about what does it mean when he's doing this or what does it mean when he says that? Or how can I say something to him that he'll feel a certain way or what's going on? And let's start with a basic thing, which is far as how men, as far as their impression of you, what their thinking. Because for men

everything starts not so much with what he's thinking about you, because most of the time with men, we don't think a lot as far as about her. We go by how we feel. So it's different with someone [00:01:00] you love, with the woman you care about. A woman you're interested in is how she makes you feel when you're around her. And it is not that men will think in terms of, oh, I'm feeling blah, blah, blah. As much as they just, it's just like a fragrance or a smell. Does it feel good? Does it not feel good? Do I feel a connection? Not a connection, something like that. So how is he seeing you? The biggest thing could have an impact with this is how you see yourself. So let's take an example. Let's say that you have come out of a breakup and it was a tough one [00:01:30] on top of that, and whether it's been weeks or months and you still sting from that.

I mean you don't tell everyone all the time about it, but it hurts. I mean, you can really feel it when you think about it. And when you're not dating, you don't have to think about this much. But now this new guy comes along and because he comes along and you like him, you start to feel again. But when you start to feel again, there's a part of your brain, a part of your heart that remembers the last time you fell like this, you got hurt. So that guard comes up. Whatever you do that's guarded, maybe you talk less, maybe you set firmer boundaries. Maybe [00:02:00] you ask a lot of questions just to be sure. You're not trying to interrogate, you're not trying to give 'em the bad impression, but there's a part of you that wants to be safe, that doesn't want to get hurt all over again.

Doesn't want to have someone take advantage of you, doesn't want to miss signs that you missed before. Well, you're not saying all this, but when he's with you, this new guy's with you, he can feel it. He doesn't know how to put it in words and he doesn't know if it's something he's doing wrong. He doesn't know if it's you, but it just feels off. And you're not trying to be mean. You're trying to be encouraging. You're trying to help him [00:02:30] succeed, but you may be helping him succeed and keeping yourself safe at the same time. Those tend to work in opposite directions. So how does he see you in this? He may see you as guarded. He may see you as judgmental. He may see you as irritable. I'm not saying he'll say these words, he'll He may just see you as someone.

We're just not a good fit. And I'm not putting all this on you. This is just an example. In this example, because of that need to stay guarded and safe because of past hurts, how he sees you, what you're doing is having a big impression on [00:03:00] him. So let's take another example. Let's say the opposite of that, which is you've been told you're quiet a lot or you're guarded or you're reserved and you've been working with someone or your friends and they're telling you you need to be more outgoing. You need to be more positive, more upbeat. And so you go into this new relationship, two, three dates, and you're making a point to be positive, energetic, very commutative reflective, listening, all this stuff, and you're trying really hard. You're doing all the right stuff, right stuff. How is he going to affect, how's this going to affect you?

He's going to think you're energetic [00:03:30] all the time. You're positive and you're upbeat all the time. You rarely, if ever complain he's going to see this and say. Wow, she's so easygoing. And the problem with this is that's not who you are is you're not that upbeat all the time. I mean, no one is. You're not that easygoing all the time, nor should you do have things that bother you as they should. And so now this relationship is built on the false premise that you're tougher, stronger, more laid back than you are because at some point there's going to be some need or some issue or something that comes up and [00:04:00] you're going to express a need or you're going to show weakness or you're going to overreact to something and he's going to think, what? Oh my gosh, thank someone. What happened to this cool chick?

What happened to the one that I like so much that was, oh, oh my gosh, what happened with this? And that's not so much as you did anything wrong, as much as you gave him the wrong impression. I give you those two examples to illustrate how he sees you. A part of that is how you see yourself, how you talk to yourself. It's not all of it. Now, the third thing would be if [00:04:30] we're taught just men in general, how does he see you? So men are far less harsh on women than women are themselves. Just as a repeat, repeat, men are far less harsh. I know we've seen TV shows, and I'm sure you've had bad boyfriends and ex husbands that were just going to be mean and awful. I'm not saying men can't do that, but in general, men are not that harsh. Men generally like women, they like being around them.

There's a reason why men chase women. There's a reason for that is we find women appealing. So when he goes out with you early [00:05:00] on, he's wanting it to be a success. He's not looking for ways to disqualify you. He's not looking for what's wrong. He's not staring at your flaw. Whatever you think it is like you are, he's not hyper-focused men look at you as a whole picture as opposed to she's got this great part, this part isn't so good then don't think like that men can pick up on if a woman does that, but men don't. And the other thing with this is that when he sees you as a whole, when he is hoping you'll understand is that he's human too, is that he's got insecurities just like [00:05:30] you do. He doesn't always feel comfortable too. I mean, sorry, competent too. And for him, he may say the wrong thing at times.

He may blurt something on the wrong date. He may say something really stupid over there. And I'm asking you to be gracious with being in dating. I don't mean just pretend that you don't see stuff. Part of gracious is realizing that everyone has a bad day. That's not necessarily a reflection of who they are. And men, this applies also. Now, if you see a pattern that comes up, okay, that's different, then let's make other plans. But how he sees you, if he's going on [00:06:00] day with you, he's seeing you as someone that he hopes he's going to be someone that he could spend the rest of his life with. I mean, that's the dream. That's the whole reason for doing this. And see anything other than that is going to be a man's weakness if a man insists on you taking care of him. If a man insists on him doing all the talk date after date after date, okay, that's not typical of men.

That's that particular man. And we want to make a distinction between men in general versus each particular man. Men in general are strong men [00:06:30] in general to protect men in general to problem solve, men in general like being your hero, it's wired into us. And it doesn't mean we do this all the time. Remember we have good days and bad days, but we enjoy those things. How does he see you? When he falls in love, he sees you as someone to take care of men like taking care of the woman they love. And that can mean different things to different men. I just got off with a client and we were talking about this. She brought up a scenario of wanting to spend money on something, [00:07:00] just what would she do with her future husband? And I said, okay, well men, your husband is probably going to be thinking in terms of great, we can spend this amount in the budget, but you want to spend three times that.

Okay, tell me why we need to spend three times this. We went through that scenario and the other she said, oh, I'll just tell him, well, I'll just make up the difference. And I said, you could do that. I said, but that's not what he's after. He doesn't want you to come in there and do it because that's going to emphasize that you don't think he can or you think he's weak or I said, walk through it with him. He wants [00:07:30] to take care of you. It doesn't mean you have to do it his way necessarily, but he wants to just as a team because he may be trying to be helpful to you as in maybe you can do this at one third, the budget. Do we really need to spend this? Not because I'm trying to be harsh or hard as much as why must we spend three?

Maybe there is maybe he asks to tell me, well, I was trying to get her away from is because I just want it. See, part of what husband was supposed to do is take caring of is help you see stuff that you don't normally see about yourself the same way you'll do that with him. He sees you as someone to influence [00:08:00] and to take care of someone to protect. So if you find yourself wondering, how does he see me? The first place let's look is how do you see yourself? I'm not saying that's all of it, but that will definitely have an impact. And it's not so much never having a bad day, whatever, as much as what you do with that, what do you do with your own shame? What do you do with your own guilt? How hard are you on yourself? When you make a mistake, what's your self-talk like?

It will spill over into how you act around him because whatever things you think about yourself, the fear is is that he's going to find these things out [00:08:30] and in time he will find out how you see yourself or how you view yourself. Whether it's true or not, he will feed off that. And the last thing with this, as far as how does he see you? A lot of how he sees you is how you see him. If you are encouraging, if you reward him when he does stuff that you like, if you make it easier for him to please you, he's going to see you as much more appealing. If he sees you as constantly a challenge or that seems like it's very difficult, make you happy, your value is going to diminish in his eyes. And that doesn't mean your value as a whole as much.

[00:09:00] It's hard for you two to be a good fit. So I'll offer this to you, especially if you're struggling in dating or you're wondering as far as, gosh, why is I'm not connecting with the type of men I want? That's usually the first place I look with Clint. We're not trying to do a huge deep dive, but just tell me a little bit about your dating. Tell me how you talk to yourself. Tell me what's going on inside. We don't have to monitor every thought or everything, it's just there's no way to separate those things. And the beauty of this is, is that when I become more focused on me, I'm a woman. Men are going to notice the difference. They will [00:09:30] feel the difference just in how I treat myself. It's nice talking to you again. If you see us, be sure and like this or leave a comment below and be sure and check us out. Relationship headquarters if you have not, you're new and I'll look forward to answering any questions and look forward to hopefully you joining us in one of our future programs. Take care.