Strong relationships are the foundation of a healthy family—but parenting stress, busy schedules, and miscommunication can take a toll on even the strongest couples.

In this episode of Where Parents Talk podcast, host Lianne Castelino speaks with therapist Dr. Dan Sneider about how parents can build stronger, more connected relationships while raising children.

Learn practical, research-backed strategies for improving communication, setting healthy boundaries, managing conflict, and staying emotionally connected—even during the most demanding parenting years.

This episode is a must-listen for parents of tweens, teens, and young children who want to create a more secure, supportive home environment.

Key topics include:

1. How parenting impacts couple relationships
2. The importance of boundaries and emotional safety for kids
3. Communication mistakes parents commonly make
4. The “5:1 ratio” for healthier relationships
5. Simple tools like “rose, bud, thorn” for family connection
6. How to prevent arguments from escalating

This podcast is for parents, guardians, teachers and caregivers to learn proven strategies and trusted tips on raising kids, teens and young adults based on science, evidenced and lived experience.

You’ll learn the latest on topics like managing bullying, consent, fostering healthy relationships, and the interconnectedness of mental, emotional and physical health.

Links referenced in this episode:

• whereparentstalk.com

Welcome to the Where Parents Talk podcast. We help grow better parents through science, evidence, and the lived experience of other parents.

Learn how to better navigate the mental and physical health of your tween teen or young adult through proven expert advice. Here's your host, Lianne Castelino.

Welcome to Where Parents Talk. My name is Lianne Castelino. Our guest today is a licensed clinical social worker and a therapist.

Dr. Dan Sneider has spent more than 10 years helping young adults and couples improve their relationships.

He specializes in couples counseling, intimacy and trauma using techniques including emotionally focused therapy, cognitive behavioral therapy, and mindfulness. Dr. Snyder is also a father of two, and he joins us today from. From Asheville, North Carolina. Thank you so much for making the time.

Absolutely. I'm looking forward to our conversation and, you know, anything about relationships and parenting, I'm here for it.

And looking forward to hopefully sharing some really interesting ideas and some. Some new ideas for your audience.

Well, and healthy relationships or relationships in general is something that we are all part of as human beings, but there are challenges that come with that. Can I ask, first of all, what led you to become a therapist focused on relationships specifically?

Yeah. Well, so from an early age, I wanted to be a therapist.

And I grew up in a household that was very chaotic, unpredictable, and spent a lot of my early years trying to find ways to avoid conflict in my household. And that led in my teenage years to being quite depressed and angry. And I found myself in therapy and loved it.

Got a ton out of the experience and really wanted to spend more time with my feelings and going deep with other people in that kind of format. You know, those kinds of conversations weren't happening other places in my life, and I really, really got a lot out of it.

And so I got my bachelor's degree in psychology, master's degree in work, and, you know, loved the work that I was doing with kids and with families.

And when I got a little bit older and started a family of my own, I got even more interested in doing work with couples and relationships because, you know, I wanted to have a relationship that I had never seen before, you know, that I didn't know how to do. And so that's where I started focusing then on the. On the relationship side, working with couples.

When you talk about reflecting back on your childhood and growing up in that sort of chaotic environment, what could have helped you then as a young person get through that?

Yeah, I've spent a lot of time thinking about that, and I think it's a great question for this podcast because from a Parent perspective.

Now, my children are around the ages where, you know, I have a lot of memories of being scared, being confused, not knowing what to do in order to keep myself safe or to really understand what was happening around me.

And so at that time, what I really needed was that physical safety and also that modeling from my parents of, we are going to keep you safe in these ways. That's been a lot of my thinking as a parent now of how can I help my kids to better understand what's happening around them?

You know, both like, talking about it, but also feeling that sense of safety. Because when I was a child, there were words, you know, being said, but I wasn't feeling safe.

And so as a parent now, I think a lot about how I can do both. How can my actions really reflect things, not just my words?

So then, in what specific ways did that experience and the knowledge you've acquired in the space that you work in, how does that shape the way you work with couples specifically having gone through it yourself?

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it wasn't a choice, right, to. To go through all the things that I did, but, you know, I have.

And so that experience really lends itself well and gives me a different perspective than just reading the books, you know, reading the articles.

So I can't put myself exactly in another person's shoes, but I do what it feels like to be a child in a home where parents are yelling at each other, where things are being thrown. I know what that feels like to be scared. And I do know what I wanted and needed then.

And I compare that with what the research tells us, what the books tell us, and what I've learned from working with so many couples. So it is a unique perspective that I bring to my sessions and that I bring to my group program. And so I do have a program that I love.

It's called Intimacy Shift. And it's a blueprint for helping couples move from conflict to lasting connection.

And your listeners can find out more about it@theintimacyshift.com and that has a lot of both my personal experiences, you know, me being vulnerable in a way that will help others. And also what we know from the research is really helpful in these family systems for how to have healthy and secure relationships.

What are some of the top line items that you can share from the research that you just outlined there that parents really do need to be aware of, in your opinion, when it comes to healthy relationships?

Yeah, so I think and talk a lot about boundary setting, you know, because just all of us as people, me included. If we don't know where the line is, then we cross it and can maybe then find out that we crossed the line and sometimes not even then.

And so as a parent, it's probably my least favorite thing to do. And for most parents, the hardest thing to do, but also, you know, the most important, being able to let our kids know where our boundaries are.

Um, so I'll, I'll share a recent example because that's how we all learn from examples, from storytelling. So yesterday I was in the car with my two kids, joking, teasing.

I was using a little bit of sarcasm, which I know, actually my kids are too young really to understand, and that's a different conversation. But, you know, I'm a human being and my older son, his feelings were hurt.

I think he didn't tell me this because that's a different thing about kids and like telling you how they feel. But he told me to shut up. He said, shut up, dad. Which is not a thing that we say to each other. And the mood had been light up until then.

And so I got quiet for a second and set a pretty firm boundary and said I didn't like that. That didn't feel good. That's not how we talk to each other. And I need a minute to get settled. And so the car got quiet for a minute.

But that was my way, letting everybody know how I was feeling.

I didn't yell, I didn't say anything mean back, but I did share my feelings and set a clear, you know, line that, you know, something had been crossed.

And, you know, during the kind of the rest of the day, I revisited that a couple times with him, letting him know I wasn't mad at him, I wasn't upset, but I did set a firm boundary because I didn't feel like I deserved to be told shut up. But also, that's not how we talk to each other.

And yeah, not the most fun thing in our day, but it was really clear for him and hopefully a two way street. I told him, I'm not gonna say those things to you. I've never said shut up to you.

And I wanted that to be a learning opportunity for both of us really to get through that situation.

It's an interesting example because, you know, as parents, we don't often have the time to recalibrate like you did in that moment. Right. As certainly as you're. Regardless of age of child, there's, you know, different ages and stages as they get older.

Tweens, teens, that becomes even more Challenging, let's say.

So what would you say to a parent who comes upon that with an older child in terms of being able to be aware of the moment they're in without exacerbating the issue?

Right.

And so I mentioned before I was using sarcasm and, you know, because of their ages, in that moment when he had the reaction, I knew right away, like, the way I was joking with him wasn't really appropriate for their age. And so I pretty quickly was able to realize, oh, I had maybe been joking a little too much for what he could really understand.

And I think he took that personally.

With a teenager, I could see that situation developing differently where a teenager could, you know, joke back, could let the parent know in a different kind of way that they had crossed a line. And teenagers, I think, have a little bit more leeway of what they can say to their parents.

It depends on the household, of course, but with a teenager, that could look a few different kinds of ways. But in that instance, I knew that the way I had approached the situation was a little bit off.

And with a teenager, I would probably handle it in a similar kind of way, and I would still want to revisit it later. So something that I'm frequently telling parents that I work with is you thankfully don't get.

Get just one chance with your kids to correct a situation. And I don't want to look at any conversation as like, this is our only chance to talk about this issue.

Whether it's, you know, something that happened that day at school or homework or safe choices. We want to have lots of conversations with our kids.

So this idea of, like, I revisited a couple times during the day in a couple of different ways, I would also do with a teenager.

What are some of the most common issues that couples, in particular, parents, come to see you with?

Yeah, by far the most common is parents of young kids.

And, you know, again, my program, I called the intimacy shift for a reason, because if we're in a relationship for any length of time, things shift and change, you know, a lot.

And in particular, that transition from we're in a relationship just the two of us, to now we have a baby, to now we have a couple kids, to now we have young kids.

For me, and for many of the couples I work with, is a major shift and change in our role in our relationship, in our intimacy, emotional and physical, in our stress. And so that's what I see most often.

His family's kind of struggling with, you know, either both parents working and having stress that way, or one Parent went from working to now being a caregiver at home and, you know, the imbalance and the type of experience each person is having day to day. So that's the most often the person

who I work with, understanding that there's lots going on.

As soon as you go from two as a couple to more than two with a child, you know, what are some, I guess, basic pieces that, you know, parents should keep in mind or new parents should keep in mind to build the infrastructure to maintain that relationship and that healthy relationship moving forward.

Yeah.

So a few things that I see often and talk about often is this idea of, you know, both people have feelings and have needs and want to be seen by the other person. They need whatever they are going through to be cared about and understood, and we have to go one at a time. Which is my.

One of my least favorite things to say, because it's really hard to do, you know, if I'm struggling and you're struggling, like, who gets their need met first? When wouldn't it be great if we could both have our needs met at the same time?

And so I am frequently working with couples, you know, how we can hold space for the other person when they're struggling, even if we're struggling, too.

And the, you know, the way that I can help people, you know, to work towards that is knowing that that's really the fastest way for both people to get their needs met.

So even though I may be really stressed and really needing support, if I'm able to hold space for my partner, listen to them, care for them, reassure them, help them, then get their needs met, then they are going to be able to do the same for me. So it can often turn in relationships into a me versus you or a scorekeeping. Oh, you think you're stressed? Well, listen to how stressed I am.

And now we're in a battle versus supporting each other.

So that's a big thing that I want couples to think about, you know, how they can either better communicate what they're needing to their partner or to hold space so that they can support their partner first and then we get to switch places.

What are some early warning signs, from your perspective, of when a couple is drifting apart?

Oh, there's. I think this is sadly too easy a question. I think everybody listening knows some of those warning signs. So couples that are drifting apart look like.

Look less forward to spending time together.

When spending time together feels more like a burden or a chore or something we're reluctant or anxious to do instead of feeling excited that's probably the biggest thing where we want to spend time together, we know that we're supposed to, but where we're fearful of spending time together because maybe we're going to have another argument, or because I am overwhelmed and I need time to myself and the other person, you know, is maybe something else that I'm needing to do where it feels more of an obligation. So that's. It's a warning, you know, but it's not too late at that point. But we want to try to recognize things even earlier in the process.

And ideally, we want to be proactive.

We want to be doing things to support the relationship before it gets to that point where we're walking on eggshells around them or are feeling more like a roommate than a friend or a lover.

So another thing that I hear from couples often is when touch starts to be less often or infrequent, and we're moving apart emotionally at the same time as we're moving apart physically. And so that's a physical symptom of distress in the relationship when there's not touch or physical intimacy.

And so, yeah, there are many things we can do to support those areas for the couple, and we can be proactive. But especially in these phases of life where intimacy has shifted and stress is high, those are things that happen.

So much of what you're talking about really is rooted in communication and how we speak to each other.

What are some of the more common mistakes that couples going from coupledom to parenthood make when it comes to communication in that relationship of the two of them?

Well, something that I love to share comes from John and Julie Gottman's research.

And if anybody listening hasn't, you know, read a book by John or Julie Gottman, all of their books are great, and they're some of the foremost experts in relationships out there. And they talk about a magic ratio of 5 to 1.

And so in healthy couples with, you know, really high life satisfaction relationship satisfaction scores, they have at least a 5 to 1 ratio of positive moments, positive interactions, kind words to every one. You know, critical or negative interaction or words spoken between the two of them. And, you know, because we're human beings and we're.

We're wired generally to look at what's wrong with a situation rather than what's right with it. And our communication, what. What often happens in these stressful moments is.

Is more of our communication is about what's not working, what the other person's doing wrong, what needs to be fixed. And we get into this Downward spiral where we're out of balance, we're not in that 5 to 1 ratio, it's flipped.

And maybe there's one kind or complementary thing noticed for every five that's critical. And so it's an action step that anybody can do today. We can always work to correct this. But, you know, catch your partner doing something, right?

You have to say it out loud. You can't just notice it. You have to catch them doing it. And then you have to say, you know, I appreciate when you or I noticed that you.

And the more of those, the better.

But a lot of times those things get skipped over because we're stressed and we're human and we see the things that need fixing and that's what we spend our time talking about.

A pain point for many people, and certainly couples, is the ability to listen. And I'm curious as to what you suggest to couples that you see about what active listening is and why it's important.

Yeah, yeah. So I mentioned earlier how important it is that, you know, one person goes at a time if we try to go at the same time.

You know, I'm really stressed about this. Oh yeah, I'm really stressed about that. We've both said what we're stressed about, but neither person really felt heard.

And so this active listening part, it is a skill, it is a muscle that we can practice and build that, you know, we didn't learn in school. Right. It took me, you know, years of therapy.

I'm now, you know, separated, divorced, you know, on the other side of that relationship to really learn and lock in the importance of these skills. So I know sometimes I make it sound easy or simple, but these are skills that require practice.

And so for active listening, I encourage people to think of yourself like a detective, you know, so when you're talking to your partner, we want to ask them follow up questions. We want to fully understand the situation.

And when we have been with someone for a long time or we're stressed ourselves, we skip over the curiosity part, the detective part, and we think we know how they feel, we think we know what they're going to say, and we try to shortcut the conversation to go to the solution. So I try to leave the solution totally on the other side of the room, right far away. We are not looking for a solution.

Our goal is to be curious and to try to understand fully what our partner is going through, not to assume anything.

So for me, it's helpful to picture myself as that detective, you know, and so if I'm trying To solve, you know, the issue, then I'm going to miss clues along the way. And so just that mindset and that perspective is really helpful.

And the, you know, the muscle building part, the actual practices that I want people to use are asking, like I said, follow up questions, which could be as simple as tell me more about that. Or my favorite is really reflection.

So reflection is repeating back exactly what the person said as best as you can remember it and seeing if you got it right.

So saying something like, you know, Leanne, I heard you saying that you are in Toronto and that there's going to be snow and it's cold outside and you know, it's not ideal weather for you right now. Did I get that right? And you can tell me if I got it right or wrong and then the conversation continues. But I'm not adding anything.

I'm just making sure that I really understood what you were telling me.

You alluded to validation a little while ago, and I'm wondering if you could explain the importance of validation specifically as it relates to conflict resolution between a couple.

Yeah, so again, you know, you mentioned all of us human beings out there, we want to be in relationships. We are all in relationships. And as part of that, we want a need to feel seen and heard.

And more than just like physically being seen and audibly being heard. It goes deeper than that.

That my experiences are understood, you know, by the other person and that they can understand even if they don't agree with me. I've mentioned a few things. Like the hardest things are my least favorite things to say in a relationship.

For, for this one, you don't have to agree with the other person. And often in a relationship, you know, you're not going to fully agree with the other person.

But to validate, to validate their experience, you don't have to agree, but you do have to let them know that you understand that how they feel, it makes sense to them and you can see how they got there. And until we validate the other person, we are not going to be able to solve the problem.

So I mentioned putting the, you know, the solution really on the other side of the room. You know, until I feel that you can understand where I'm coming from, I'm not going to be able to problem solve or to collaborate very well.

I need to know that whatever our conflict is, that you can understand my perspective and then we can switch places. I also need to understand your perspective too.

But that act of validating the other person is as simple as saying something like, you Know, that really sucks that that happened. It sounds really painful.

I didn't agree with the situation, but I am letting them know that, you know, I hear how difficult it was and that I can see the feeling that they're having and recognizing that it makes sense that they're having that feeling. And once we can do that, it regulates everybody's nervous system.

You can really visibly see on the other person's body language, their shoulders will relax, that they don't have to be on high alert anymore. They're not fighting with you now. You're on the same side.

Is there an approach that you can share when it comes to, you know, stopping an argument or preventing it from escalating before that happens?

Yeah. Yeah.

So I've taken to calling this, like, kind of like if we're boxing, you know, where we've got to dodge punches, we can't just punch back all the time. And so in a relationship, sometimes there could or there have been, you know, punches thrown at, you know, this is your fault. How could you do this?

With our words, right? We can be very attacking, and if I punch back, it's going to escalate the argument for sure.

And so something that we really want to practice is avoiding some of those punches and wanting to understand better where those punches are coming from.

And so in emotionally focused therapy, this framework that I've been trained in and use often, you know, we talk about how feelings happen first, then thoughts, then actions. And since none of us are mind readers, we don't always know the feelings and the thoughts, but we definitely see the actions.

So we see our partners, you know, rolling their eyes at us or slamming doors or raising their voice, but we don't know that they're feeling hurt or rejected or tired or hungry. Right. Unless we ask them, unless we talk to them.

So I do encourage people to, when they are feeling attacked or when tones of voice get escalated, not to match the other person's energy, but to either take a step back, to take a deep breath, but to internally ask yourselves, you know, what are they feeling right now? Not just what they're saying, but what are they feeling? And when we can get at those feelings, the conversation is going to shift and change.

Because instead of engaging with the attacking words and the criticisms, if we can get at, oh, they're feeling rejected, they're feeling overwhelmed, you know, then we're having a very different conversation.

What is I language and why does it matter?

Yeah, yeah, Great, great. Well, not even a pivot. Great question to follow up with. So attacking Language is pretty much always you directed. You did this, you didn't do that.

How come you never. Why do you always. You, you, you. So that you statement? My.

My partner and I once went to a couple's therapist that said, you know, you're pointing the U gun at each other, you know, and that visual really helped me to think about it. When we're using that U word, it is an attack, it is a threat. And so when I switch to using I language, it's an invitation.

And it's, you know, it's not a punch. Right. It's not like in that boxing match, I'm throwing punches.

So instead of saying something like, you always get home late, and then you're always on your phone and, you know, you never initiate, you know, physical intimacy with me, you, you, you instead saying something like, when I'm at home, you know, I'm thinking about our time together, and I really want to connect with you. I really want to share about my day. I want to talk together about things, and I'm really hoping for us to physically connect later tonight.

How can we make that happen? None of those things are able to be argued with because they're my feelings. It doesn't bring up defensiveness in the same kind of way.

And it's an invitation to be on the same team with me. Let's talk about how to make those things happen. And so using those I statements really shifts the tone. And, you know, again, intimacy shift. Right.

Name of my program. This is why. Right. It shifts intimacy for the better because it draws the other person in using that I statement.

Interesting. Take us through, if you could, what the check in and chill system actually is.

Yeah. Yeah. So that's me trying to be a little clever with, with my branding of something that I. That I came up with.

So the, the check in and chill system is this idea that, you know, couples wanting to grow their relationship, wanting to build intimacy, need a system for doing that. Right. It's like, if we want to build muscles in our body, we need to go to the gym with some regularity. We need to do certain exercises.

And this also came up because, you know, again, being married, having two kids, time is at a premium. Premium, right. There's never enough time for all of the things.

And often the relationship comes after the kids, after the house, after work, and there's little time and energy for it.

So the check in and chill system is this framework for couples to set aside time regularly, put it on the calendar because it's important, and so that then Each person can show up prepared.

So a lot of couples I work with, they'll try to have these meaningful conversations late at night after the kids go to sleep, when both people are exhausted and not really set up to have a deep conversation, or it happens in text message or in passing while one person's trying to cook dinner and the other person's trying to do laundry.

And so what I really have found is that if couples put time on the calendar, even if it's 30 minutes, it doesn't have to be long, where each person knows at this day and time, that's our time to work on our relationship, both people can show up more prepared to have a better conversation. And then within that system, step one is just creating that time.

And then there's six steps to having the kind of conversation that builds intimacy and trust. Some of the things we've talked about already today, there's practices for reflective listening, using eye language.

There's practices for grounding and emotional regulation. But I've put together a lot of things that I have found and that the research supports. Builds trust and closeness in a relationship.

You also consider yourself, when we're talking about the intimacy piece, you consider yourself a sex, sex positive therapist. What does that mean and why is that important for couples?

Yeah, so it's both, you know, training that I've gone in and then also my approach to counseling. So it's, it's both, you know, what I consider myself and also how I'm, you know, trained to work with couples.

And again, human relationships, part of human relationships is touch and closeness. And whether that's as a parent, you know, how do I hug or hold my baby? Kid, teenager, right. We all need touch.

Or in our intimate romantic partnerships, how we have safe and loving physical intimacy across our relationship. And that looks different in the first six months of relationship to six years later, 16 years later, and so on.

But that idea of being a human animal and needing touch for survival.

I said something earlier about emotional intimacy and physical intimacy going together and how that can be a warning sign in a relationship that things may not be going as well as we want them to. It's also a sign of health in a relationship relationship.

So not just having those check in and chill conversations, but also incorporating touch and physical intimacy and sex in your relationship.

And I work with all kinds of couples, some that have had betrayal, trauma or infidelity or changes in hormones as they've gotten older and desire shifts and changes.

And if we don't talk about it, if we don't Work on it, then it is going to be this kind of ticking time bomb in your relationship, and we're going to have big feelings about it. So it's absolutely something that I talk to couples about regularly and that we work on in our group sessions.

With the intimacy shift program that I mentioned earlier.

Is there one small shift you suggest that couples in particular in a family environment could make in the short term that would, you know, impact connection for them?

Yeah, I'll share something that I do with my family and is a great way to get people talking. So we'll share our rose, bud and thorn. Sometimes we do it once a week. Sometimes we do it every day.

But couples can do this and you can do this with your kids. And the idea is, is that we share something that went really well or something that we're grateful for that day.

Your rose, your bud is something that you're working on or you're not sure how it's going to go. And your thorn is something that either didn't go well or something that you're upset about, something that you need to practice or get better at.

It actually gets my kids talking, which, if you just ask them how their day went, I don't hear anything. So this is one way to get them talking.

And if you're working on something with your romantic partner and you're not sure kind of how to engage with them, this is a better way to get more information and to share more information than just, you know, how the day went or what's on the calendar. This can actually get talking about your feelings, your hopes, your wishes and dreams, which is the juicy stuff in relationship.

You know, that's what we. We all need more of.

Absolutely. Lots unpacked in our conversation.

Dr. Dan Sneider, licensed clinical social worker and psychotherapist, thank you so much for your time and your perspective today.

Yeah. Love your program. Thank you for having me.

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