When we talk about raising emotionally healthy kids, a big part of that is teaching kids what to DO with their feelings. Giving them better strategies to manage their feelings than name calling, hitting, running away, or shutting down.

You’ll Learn:

• Why movement is the best way to process big feelings.
• How to keep everyone safe if your child is hitting, kicking, or hurting
• 3 categories of movement that help kids (and adults) regulate their nervous systems
• How to use your child’s behavior as a clue to what their body needs

Listen as I talk about how to help your kid calm down in a really practical way.

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3 Ways to Calm Down

When the brain gets overwhelmed or feels threatened, it gets flooded with chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline. The best way to calm the nervous system is almost always to let the emotional energy out through the body, through movement.

I like to think of movement in 3 categories:

#1: Push it out. Push the big feelings out. I think of these as big, heavy movements.

#2: Pull it in. Pull in a sense of comfort and soothing. These are quieter.

#3: Move it around. Swirl the emotion around inside your body to shake it up and get it unstuck.

When you notice that your kid is dysregulated (e.g. they’re seeming a little “off”, having big feelings, or are in full meltdown mode), ask yourself…

“What do they need? Do they need to push it out, pull it in, or move it around?”

Use your child’s behavior as a clue to what they need. For example, if they’re hitting, kicking, spitting, punching, running away, yelling, they likely need to push it out.

If you try something and it doesn’t work, no problem. Try another type of movement. You’ll start to see patterns of what works best for you and your child.

Why It Works: Co-Regulation

This thing that I'm teaching you is called co-regulation. Basically, your child is dysregulated. They are not able to catch their nervous system and bring it back online. So they need support from you in order to get back to baseline.

If you can be a calm and regulated adult in that situation, then your child can “borrow” your calm nervous system. With your support, they will likely be able to move through a Big Feeling Cycle (aka meltdown or tantrum) faster. And once you have practiced these strategies together, you can help them to regulate before the train has fully left the station.

One thing I want you to understand: Co-regulation is not easy.

There will be times when you aren’t able to co-regulate. You might find yourself getting dysregulated while this Big Feeling Cycle is going on. It might feel very hard for you to stay present in front of your child. That’s okay.

If you feel like you need to escape, that's fine. Just explain. If you leave the room abruptly or in anger, it can feel like a kind of abandonment. So, say some soothing comments to them before you leave, like, “I'm gonna go calm my body. I'm gonna let you calm your body. I love you, and I will be back.”

If you’re judging yourself or thinking “I can’t handle this kid,” try telling yourself this instead: “In this moment, my child is dysregulated. I don't have the capacity to co-regulate. I'm going to trust that my kid's nervous system is able to manage itself.”

Because here’s the truth. Yes, we want to teach our kids healthy strategies to regulate and self-soothe. AND the nervous system is naturally drawn to finding a way back to balance. It may not always look pretty, but you can trust your child to get to a place of calm. You can trust that their body and their brain are going to get them to the other side of that dysregulation and get back to a regulated state.

How To Help Your Kid Calm Down

When your kid is in a Big Feeling Cycle, the first thing you want to do is look out for everyone’s physical safety. You’re not going to let your child regulate in ways that hurt themself or others.

The value here is, “In this house, everyone stays safe.”

For example, if your kid is hitting you, you can say. “In this house, everyone stays safe. You can be upset, you can have big feelings, but I will not let you hit me. I am going to get up and move away from you. I have to protect my body.” Then, calmly take a few steps back.

It’s okay to set some limits here. Like, “You can’t hit me, but you can hit this pillow.” Or, “I see that you need to move your body, so what are you going to do?”

Now, here are some more specific ways to use the 3 types of movement to help your kid regulate and get back to calm.

Push it out

Some signs that your kid needs to push the feeling out include hitting, stomping, throwing things, or doing other big body movements. I picture it like a mini-Hulk. They have all this energy in their body and they want to get it out.

Start by observing. What are they doing? Are they mainly using their upper body or lower body? This can help you direct them to a better alternative.

Here are some of my favorite movements to try:

Carry something heavy. Give your kid the task of moving something heavy from one side of the room or house to the other.

A grounding stomp. Stand up and stomp your feet on the ground. I think of this like a dinosaur or an elephant would stomp - BIG! Adding rhythm to it is even better. Ask your child to copy the rhythm or that you do.

Push out through their hands. Hold up your hands and ask your kid to push against them with their hands as hard as they can. If they’re too strong, or you have an injury, or you aren’t able to do this for any reason, they can also push against a wall.

Bear crawl or crab walk on the ground. Choose a movement that is a bit challenging for them.

If your child is hitting… instead, have them try hitting a pillow or clapping their hands really loudly. If they want to kick, let them kick a ball against a wall if you have the space.

Give a choice. If your child is hurting other people, you may need to get them out of the room to keep everyone safe. One thing I used to say to my son is, “You can’t be in here because it’s not safe. I could drag you like a caveman, or you can walk and stomp on your own.” You're moving the child, but they're gonna have some say in how they move. Add a little play to it if you can. Ask them to pretend that they’re a dinosaur, caveman, pirate, snake, bear, whatever. Give ideas of how they can move their bodies in a big, aggressive (and safe) way.

Pull it in

Pulling it in is about feeling cozy. These are going to be quiet, soothing movements.

Squeeze and release. Have your child squeeze their hands into really tight fists. Then release. Let go. Get floppy like a noodle. Talk them through squeezing and releasing their arms, their shoulders, their face, their belly, their legs, their feet, their whole body.

Butterfly hug. Have your kid cross their arms over their chest in a hug and give themself a squeeze. Then, with their hands still on their shoulders, have them gently tap their shoulder left, right, left, right.

Other soothing movements include wrapping in a blanket, coloring, hugging or talking to a stuffed animal, drinking water, squeezing a stress ball, or petting a dog or cat.

What about if your kid is dysregulated in public? You can’t always find a quiet, cozy space. One thing to try is pulling them into you, giving them a hug, and saying something like, “You’re having big feelings in your body. Let’s figure out what to do with those feelings.”

Move it around

These movements are more gentle than pushing it out. You're just moving them around a little bit, allowing a little bit of energy shift inside the body.

Shimmy shake. Have your kid put their hands in the air and then shake their whole body from their hands all the way through their chest, hips, knees, legs… all the way to the ground, and then shake it back up. You can pretend that you're shaking off the negative feelings like you're shaking off water from your hands.

Some other great ways to move it around are:

• Dance
• Do some jumping jacks
• Swing
• Rock

Remember that these movements come after you’ve already used the Connection Tool to notice, narrate, name, and validate. This is the regulate piece. This is the answer to, “Okay, I validated their feelings. Now what?”

Kids misbehave. They get dysregulated easily. They get overwhelmed and their nervous system misfires, especially if they're neurodivergent in any way.

Through the Connection Tool and co-regulation, you are teaching them the skills to self-soothe and regulate. You’re showing them healthy ways to cope with hard circumstances and uncomfortable feelings. And you (and the rest of your family) can learn to self-regulate right alongside them.

Previous Episodes:

• Episode 88: Co-Regulation During a Meltdown
• Episode 2.16: The Connection Tool

Free Resources:

Get your copy of the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet!

In this free guide you’ll discover:

✨ A simple tool to stop yelling once you’ve started (This one thing will get you calm.)

✨ 40 things to do instead of yelling. (You only need to pick one!)

✨ Exactly why you yell. (And how to stop yourself from starting.)

✨A script to say to your kids when you yell. (So they don't follow you around!)

Download the Stop Yelling Cheat Sheet here

Connect With Darlynn:

• Book a complimentary session with Darlynn
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• Follow me on Instagram @darlynnchildress for daily tips
• Rate and review the podcast on Itunes

Welcome back to Become a Calm Mama. I'm your host. I'm Darlin Childress. I'm a

life and parenting coach. And on last week's episode and actually the

last few weeks, I've talked a lot about how to

use the Connection tool with your kids in order

to help them understand that they have big feelings

and that those big feelings are coming out through their body and

giving language and labeling those

emotions and narrating that behavior so that your

child becomes aware and builds awareness around

themselves. Big part of the Connection tool

is about connecting your child to themselves, right? So

we want our child to learn how to become a self aware

person who knows what they're feeling, knows how to talk

about their feelings and knows what to do with those

emotions so that they choose help healthy strategies

to help them cope with their feelings and with hard circumstances

instead of negative coping strategies. We

don't want our kids to get stuck in habits

where they have big feelings and they dump those feelings on

you by name calling, or they dump those feelings on their sibling

by hitting them, or they dump those feelings on their

teacher by not listening or running away or

avoiding responsibility. Those are maladaptive

strategies. Those are normal strategies in childhood because

kids come to the world without being able to know how to cope with their

feelings. So they just kind of act them out, right? They just show up in

their bodies and those episodes have

been really, really useful. And I realized after I recorded them,

I started thinking about just what are the gaps that parents have

have that you have when you're coaching your child through

their big emotions. And one of the things I see in my practice

is that it's very hard to tell to teach kids

better ways to manage their feelings. What

are they supposed to do when they're dysregulated?

What are they supposed to do when they have all of that

emotion coursing through their bodies? And, and as a parent,

you're not a child development expert, you don't teach

preschool, you're not a teacher. So how are you

supposed to know, right, how to help your kids?

It's like you're expected to kind of know things that you don't

know. And even for yourself, a lot of us have no idea

how to cope with our negative emotion. For most of

us, we shove it down and try to ignore it and then it pops up,

right, Like a teapot boiling underneath. And

you kind of know like, well, I don't want my kid to be like that,

but I'm like that and I don't even know what to do with my feelings.

So one of the cool things is that you learn how to self regulate,

then you learn the skills, and then you teach your kids those skills,

or you try to teach your kids skills and then you start

to practice the same things. So as a whole entire family,

you're becoming emotionally regular, regulated, and

using really positive, adaptive

coping strategies so that you don't show up in the world

angry and fighting and backbiting and whatever people

pleasing. Like all the strategies that none of us want and that we tend to

do when we don't know how to cope. So I thought it'd be helpful today

to talk about what your kid can do

to calm down. What are the things that we know based on science,

based on research that actually help kids.

And I could sit here and list 50 things for you.

And you know, that would be really overwhelming in a podcast because you're

not sitting there, you know, feverishly taking notes, or maybe you are, but

still it's a lot, right? So what I wanted to do was I thought

a lot about it and I thought about these three categories that

we can do with our bodies in order to

calm down our nervous system. So these three

categories are essentially, you can push it

out, you can pull it in, or you can move it around.

So what we're talking about here is we're like pushing those big feelings out.

So there's a bunch of strategies that you can teach your kids of how to

push those big feelings out. And I'm going to talk about a bunch of ideas,

but I want you to think of these broad categories. You can push your

big feelings out, or you can pull

in soothing so you can do

comforting things that help give you the sense of

comfort that you need that calm your nervous system.

So sometimes our nervous system is really activated and we need to

push those big feelings out. Sometimes our nervous system

is really activated and we need to calm those big feelings down.

So I wanted to think about it. Just sometimes you're looking at your kid and

you're like, do they need to push it out or do they need to pull

it in? Do they need to move these big feelings out through

their body? Or do they need comfort and soothing to go on top

of their body? And then the last category is move it around.

Sometimes the feelings are just sort of stuck and you need to just kind

of like give them a swirl inside your body.

And that way you can kind of reset the nervous system. So a little bit

of movement and, and shaking around, so gentle movement.

So you've got this big heavy movement pushing it out. You've

got this soothing, pulling it in. And then you

got this kind of shake it up, move it around. So I want you to

think about when you see your child dysregulated, when you or yourself,

when you notice, okay, this kid is, whoa, whoa, whoa, big

feeling, cycle meltdown mode, temper tantrum, you know, a whole

situation, especially if you can catch it right before the

train leaves the station. That can be the most useful is to

recognize, hey, you seem to be getting a little upset. Like, here's an

idea. Now I'll talk about the obstacles of giving your

kids ideas. But if you think about looking at their behavior

and you're looking at them as a parent, and you're like, okay, what does this

kid need? I want you to ask, do they need to push it out? Do

they need to pull it in or do they need to move it around? That's

the question. I want you to be thinking. I want you to be looking at

their behavior and trying to figure out what would be the best kind of

category. You don't know, right? It's hard to tell. So

you can try one. And they're, you know, that doesn't work. Like, you're like,

hey, it looks like you have to push it out. You have these big feelings,

like, do you want to hit this? Do you want to jump on a trampoline?

Do you want to, you know, carry this heavy, heavy thing from one side of

the house to the other? Do you want to do push ups against the wall?

Do you want to do a grounding stomp? I'm gonna explain all these, but

you'll try and say, do you want to do something with your body, like,

move it? You got big feelings. You want to push them out. And

then your kid is like, you know that whatever

doesn't seem to resonate. And then you go, okay, maybe they need a hug.

Maybe they need to have compression. Maybe they need to do something

quiet. Maybe they need to reset their nervous system, but by

having a pull in, like a time in, right?

Like a little bit of moment where they kind of take care, are taken

care of. So they need to be pulled in.

Try that. Or maybe they just need to stand up and move around a

little bit. They need to shake it off, they need to dance, they need to

do some jumping jacks, they need to swing, they need to rock, they need to

do some clapping, they need to sing a song. I really believe

that if you have these three categories in your mind or these three

processes, these three Ways that your child and

you can regulate, then you'll be able to

be more creative in the moment. Because I think sometimes it's so hard to

figure out what to do in the moment. So my goal is always to give

you as much tools and strategies as you can so that you can

own the thoughts, the concepts in your own mind. So you're

like, does this kid need to push it out? Do they need to pull it

in or do they need to move it around? So just asking that question.

Push it in. I'm sorry. Push it out, pull it in,

move it around. How does it work? How does this actually work?

So why, why do we even do this? Now this

thing that I'm teaching you is called co regulation.

Okay? So your child has dysregulated.

They are not able to catch their nervous system. Sometimes

I think it's like their nervous system is out of

bounds. It's like not contained enough. It's like gone wild and

they need support or their,

their, their regular baseline

of thinking and being able to like be in the moment

is gone. They're like, I look up sometimes, I look to my kids, I'd be

like, oh my God, you're like gone. You know, so you know what I'm talking

about. So what we call a temper tantrum or a meltdown, what I

call a big feeling cycle, because I think it helps us understand

that it's a cycle, it's going to end, it's a big feeling, it's a big

emotion and they're not sure how to process it and they're trying their best

to move through the cycle. So when

your child is in that state, they

need support. Now if you can be a calm and

regulated adult, then your presence, your

nervous system that is calm is the nervous system that they're

borrowing. And that process is called co regulation.

So essentially it's just them borrowing your regulation. You're

a presence that is regulated and you're helping them get back to calm

with your support. Hopefully the child

moves through that big feeling cycle faster. Or if you're able

to teach your child these self regulation

skills enough times, then they will be able to

like you have almost like a code language, like a secret code where you look

at them and you're like, hey, it's starting, you know, you're starting to get off

track. What do you need to do? You've taught them enough

times and they start to know, oh, I need to

push these feelings out, I need to be pulled in or I need to move

these feelings Around. So you're teaching your children

these tools and these skills in real time, but

also outside of the big feeling cycles, which I'm gonna talk about

next week, is how to coach your kid so that they

have long term regulation, right? How to prevent meltdowns.

Because we all want fewer meltdowns. And the

only way you get fewer meltdowns is by teaching your children

the skills that they need to manage their emotions so they can

recognize. Oop, I'm starting to get upset. I

remember one time, one of my sons, he was a little older, he was

like 12. And it was during the pandemic, actually. And he

looked at me straight in the eye, and he was feeling very, very overwhelmed. And

he. His hand, like, right at the tip of his head, and he was like,

I feel like this all the time. Can you imagine what it's like to feel

like this? And he just was, like, having his hand right up, like at

capacity, right, like where there was just no more room. And I thought, what

a beautiful way for him to express that he

was at capacity. He was overwhelmed. He

needed. He knew he was getting dysregulated.

I've watched that with both boys. I watched them tell me, hey, Mom,

I wonder if you're okay. You know, do you need to take a calm break?

You know, they are. They're attuned and I'm attuned, and we're all kind

of supporting each other and noticing when we're dysregulated

or when we're about to be dysregulated. So in

the middle. In the middle of a

dysregulation, big feeling cycle, you want to be looking

at your child and helping them figure out how to. How

you want to be looking at your child and figuring out what do they need

in order to calm their nervous system? How

can I support them? What can I offer to them

so we validate their emotion? Like, yes, of course you're upset that I'm going to

work, and, you know, you don't want me to go. And

you starting to hit and kick and scream and yell and punch mommy,

but that's not okay. So instead of punching

mommy and kicking and spitting, why don't you push those feelings out

by doing an animal walk up and down on the ground?

Or why don't you, you know, stomp up and down like a dinosaur?

Or why don't you push up against me? You know what I need you to

do? I need you to carry this heavy set. Why don't you carry my bag

to the Car, Right. It's so great to hear. See, like a little kid

carrying something heavy. And it's very regulating actually for the nervous

system to kind of work hard. Maybe they need to jump up and down for

a minute. So you're looking at their

emotion and their strategies, their behavior and how

that emotion is coming out of their body. And you're giving them ideas

for how to get back to calm.

So when you're looking at your child, you're thinking, okay, do they

need to push these feelings out? Do they need to pull these feelings

in or do they need to move these feelings around?

Now, in general, all of us use

our body to regulate our emotion.

The brain is stuck inside the body

and when it gets overwhelmed, it gets flooded with

chemicals like cortisol and adrenaline and things like

that. It is seeking to get back to what we call

homeostasis, the brain. Your child's brain does not like to

be dysregulated. It actually wants support. It

wants to get, get to calm. So it's looking for

support, it wants help. And it's doing its best

to use the body like hitting, kicking, spiting, punching, running away,

yelling, you know, hiding all these different behaviors. You

see, this is the body's best attempt to take care of the nervous

system. And when you see that, you want to pull

your child in and have them do a different behavior.

The other thing about negative feelings, so you can move through your

body or you can talk about your feelings,

sometimes that helps. But it's hard for kids in the middle of

dysregulation to talk about their emotion. They're not ready to

reflect while they're dysregulated. So that's

kind of needing to relate to you and having

logic. You can't do that until you're regulated.

So we want to really look at the body and look at your child's behavior

and say, okay, this child is dysregulated. This child's

body needs support. If you are not able

to co regulate, that's okay. Because long

term, it's your child's job to learn how to

self regulate. You are there as the

parent guiding and supporting and teaching skills

along the way. Your child's supposed to pick up those skills of self

regulation and eventually learn to self soothe on

their own. We hope that they have been taught

enough strategies by you and through the society,

school, wherever you're at your church and temple or whatever

environment you're in that they've been taught positive,

adaptive strategies so that when they get to

teenager, hood, adolescence, and they get into

adulthood that they have really good strategies. They

know, oh, I gotta take a walk. Oh, I've gotta move my body. Oh, I've

gotta drink some water. I'm really overwhelmed. I'm gonna go take a break and wash

my hands. They've learned to be attuned to

themselves. So don't give yourself too hard of a time.

If you're not able to co regulate, I'd

like you to see it instead of judging yourself like, oh, my God, I can't

handle this kid. And there's such a problem, and I'm such a bad mom because

I listened to Darlin's podcast and she told me that I'm supposed to co regulate,

and now I can't co regulate because I'm so mad and I'm a terrible

mom. No, I would rather you look at it like in

this moment, my child is dysregulated. I don't

have the capacity to co regulate. I'm going to trust

that that nervous system over there, that kid's nervous

system is able to manage itself.

Now, that's the truth, is that the nervous system

is drawn to finding a way back to balance.

So you can trust your child to get to

a place of calm. You can trust that

their body and that their brain are going to get them to the

other side of that dysregulation and get back to

regulated state. State or homeostasis. Now,

it might not look pretty when they're learning the skills, when they're

learning to be soothed on their own. What we want

to do is hold the value of

physical safety first. So

in this house, everyone stays safe. You can be upset, you

can have big feelings, but I will not let you hit me. I am

going to get up and move away from you. I have to protect my

body. Now, I don't want you to do it in a way that's rejecting. I

want you to do in a protective way that's somewhat logical

so you can stand up and take a few steps back. You don't have

to leave in anger. Now, I know a lot of you are still

working on regulation, and it's very hard for you to stay present in

front of your child while you're dysregulated. You do feel like you need to

escape. If you do, that's fine. Just explain. I'm

gonna go calm my body. I'm gonna let you calm your body. I love you

and I will be back. You can be alone for a minute

while I go calm myself. You have to Say some of these

soothing comments to your children, otherwise they will find

your lack of CO regulation. They can find it

as an abandonment, not like a long term

abandonment, but just in that moment when they are seeking help

and they need an adult to help them and and that adult

isn't available. They may take it personally cause of the way that they

are designed as being little kids, they're really self centered

and so just saying some soothing sentences is really important.

So I want to say that co regulation is a real high value,

but self regulation is also a high value. So don't

judge yourself too harshly if you are not able to

co regulate. The other thing is that some kids, honestly they get

so accustomed to always having their parent co regulate with them

that even if your calm, it might not be in your

child's best interest for you to always go through the

entire connection, tool, narrating, naming,

validating, regulating over and over and over again.

It may not be useful or in service of your

child's skill building. So sometimes

you may have to say, I think you can handle these big feelings. I'll be

back to check on you. Why don't you know you're welcome

to do something with your body to calm it down.

Now what can they do to calm it down? I want to go through these

ideas. Push it out. Okay, so push it out.

I want you to think about something. Heavy work.

Like you have a big feeling and you want to push it.

So you have your kid and they're like hitting or stomping

or they're like throwing things on the ground and it's just like they're trying to

push those big feelings out. Standing here talking to you

and my arms are up and my feet are on the ground and I have

all this energy in my body and I picture a little kid who's like, right,

they're like a little hulk, you know, they want to get it all out.

So then we want to say yes, of course. So one of my favorite

tools that I teach is called a grounding stomp.

You stand up and you gently stomp your feet on the ground.

Now it says gently stomp, but I actually think of it

more like a big stomp, like a dinosaur

stomp, like a big boom, boom. Like a big elephant

would stomp on the ground. And I love to add

rhythm to that stomp. So I'd say like stomp

with your right foot, stomp, stomp. And then I copy me, stomp,

stomp, stomp. And you know, I'm alternating my feet or I'm you know,

one foot down, one foot down, and then two feet up in a jump.

So teaching your children, like, you have those big feelings in your body. Let's stomp

them out. So that would be pushing it out.

I've talked about this before about pushing up, right? Pushing

out with your hands. So think about. The stomping is with your

feet. You can also kind of push out with your hands. So

I love having a kid put their hand on my hand and push

as hard as they can, Especially if I'm standing and I'm in a

grounded space, right? I'm, like, ready to, like, withstand their pressure.

You can do this. Like, it depends on how strong you are. But up until,

like, kids like 8 or 9, you can probably hold their

body weight if they're pushing against you without you getting hurt.

Now, obviously, please, if you have, like, an injury. My shoulder hurts.

Don't do this one, okay? But just if you have some strength in your body

and you're able to have your kid push against you. Now, if they can't push

against you, they can go push against a wall. They can go stand against the

wall, push a wall, push a wall. Or, you know, okay, push this pillow, push

this pillow. So do. It's push, push, push, push, push. So we're

giving them this idea to move those big

feelings out, Push the feelings out. Another thing is

kind of doing something with their body that's a little bit hard,

like a bear crawl on the ground. So

you can have them crab walk, bear crawl, things like that,

moving their body on the ground. If, like, for

example, I was thinking of this when my son was little,

and he would be in this, you know, kind of

refusing space, right? And I knew I needed to move him out of the

room or he was just becoming. Hurting other people,

right? I'd say, you can't be in here because it's not safe. So. So do

we need to move, or are you gonna move? And he's like, neither. You know,

I'm not moving. He was so sassy.

And I would then slow my heart rate down a little bit,

and I'd say, okay, well, I could drag you like a caveman,

or you can walk and stomp on your own. So the idea

is you're moving the child, but they're gonna have some

agency, some say in how they move. And if you can add a little game

like play, pretending you're a dinosaur, pretending you're a caveman,

pretending you're a pirate, pretending you're a snake, pretending you're a Bear

pretending you're a elephant, a giraffe, whatever,

giving them some ideas of how to move their body

in a big, aggressive way. Another

thing, obviously, is, like, if they're wanting to hit, they can hit pillows,

they can jump, they can clap their hands together really loudly.

You can have them kick a ball against a wall, if that works. If you

are at a house and you have that available to you.

So thinking about these movements, if you notice

that they're big body movements with the upper body

involved or the lower body. So really kind of like looking

at your child and saying, okay, let's move these big feelings through,

okay, that's pushing it out, pulling it in.

I want you to think soothing. I want you to think calm.

I want you to think of things that are

cozy, right? So the two. My

favorite strategies in pull it in

is what is called squeeze and release. So you

teach your child to make their hands really, really, really, really

tight. And then squeeze. Now squeeze your arms, squeeze your shoulders,

squeeze your whole body. Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, squeeze. Let go, release,

go floppy like a noodle. So you can have them do that with different

parts of their body. They could squeeze their feet, squeeze their whole body, squeeze their

belly, squeeze their face, you know, squeeze their shoulders. So

you're kind of pull, let it go. So that

squeeze, release. That's a great

strategy. So you can teach these in advance. You can teach them in the moment,

you can practice them, you can model them. All of them. All of these

are really good to do in front of your kids and with your kids,

either in the moment or as prevention strategies. The other one I

love is called a butterfly hug. Since this is audio, you can't really

see me, but I want you to imagine that I'm taking my arms and

I'm crossing them over my chest in a hug. So my right arm is on

my left shoulder and my left arm is on my right shoulder. And then

I can squeeze myself in a big hug,

like a squeezy hug. So that's kind of a pull it in,

right? And then I can start to tap my shoulders

with my hands in a pattern from left to

right, like a butterfly flapping its wings.

So you're just kind of tapping while

holding. That is a pull it in. It's very soothing.

You can give yourself a bear hug. You can wrap yourself in a blanket.

You can get in your cozy corner. You can color, you can drink

water. You can talk to your stuffed animals. You can use a stress

ball. You can pet your animal. If you have a pet,

you can do those soothing things that sort of

calm the nervous system. I'm thinking about when

you have a kid who's dysregulated in public, right? What

can you do? So you pull them aside,

right? They're dysregulated, they're overstimulated, they're at a party with

friends, they're in line, they're at the circus, they're at the farmer's market,

they're at a restaurant, like, whatever, right? So you're pulling

them in to you, and then you're saying,

okay, let's figure out what to do with your feelings. You're dysregulated. You can say

that to your kids. You're dysregulated. You're having big feelings in your body. Do

you want to push them out or do you want to pull them in, or

do you want to move them around? You can say this as young as three,

you teach them the concept, and then you say, what are you going to do?

And then you kind of reset their nervous system with you. The

last one is move it around. This is my favorite in general because I

just love moving my body. So the best one that I love is

shake it off or shimmy shake. And I love to

teach my kids, and then also do it in real time is

to put your hands in the air and then just shake your whole body from

your hands all the way through your chest and your hips and your knees

and your legs and go all the way to the ground and then shake it

back up. And that's a shimmy shake. So you can

pretend that you're shaking off the negative feelings like you're

shaking off water from your hands. So you can. If you don't want to do

a whole shimmy shake, you can shake your hands, you know, fast.

You can do dancing, can be movement.

You can do a jumping jack. You can swing, you can rock, you can

drum, you can clap, you can blow bubbles, you

can sing songs, you can wash your hands. Those are all kind of

movements that are a little bit more

gentle. So you're not pushing those big

feelings out. You're just moving them around a little bit, allowing

a little bit of energy shift inside the body.

So these are the best strategies that you can do when your child is

in a dysregulated big feeling cycle, is

pulling them aside, narrating. Hey, I see you're having big

feelings. I get it. We're in a crowded area, or we've been waiting for our

food for a long time, or we just Got out of school and you're hungry

and like, you want to narrate and name that. The

circumstance, you name the feeling. Yeah, makes sense. You'd be overwhelmed. That's.

I get it. That's okay. You validate it. You say, yeah, of course.

That's. This is a hard thing you're doing. Yeah, okay. It makes sense that

you'd be feeling the way you're feeling, but we don't act that way.

So you need to regulate. You need to move your body. So what are you

going to do? You want to do this or that? So it's kind of a

little bit of a limit, a little bit of a boundary. Can't do that. You

got to do this. So which one are you going to do? So that's that

calm. You're calm, you connect with them. You limit set and you

regulate. Isn't that great?

It's like, I want you to feel empowered as a parent. I want you

to feel like you know what to do and you're not. Just

like, oh, my God, this is ridiculous. My kid is totally

out of control. Psycho, ridiculous. Everyone's staring at us. I'm

a bad parent. Da, da, da. No children, they

misbehave, they dysregulate easily, they get overwhelmed,

their nervous system misfires, especially if they're neurodivergent

in any way. So your kids, they are

primed for dysregulation, and you're

teaching them how to regulate. You're teaching them these

skills. So next week, I will give you a script

on how to do this outside of the big feeling

cycle, like how to prevent meltdowns, how to teach your kids

emotional regulation skills. And that will be really

useful. But this one, I wanted you to have for in the moment. What do

you do in that connection tool? You narrate what's going on, what

you can see, you name the feeling, you validate it, then you tell your

child, you have to regulate your emotion now.

So I think that parents get stuck with, I validated.

Now what? This is the answer to that. Now what? It's

regulation, co regulation or self

regulation. But no matter what, your child's going to use their body to regulate

their emotions. And so you want to have them

either push those feelings out,

pull the soothing in, or move those feelings

around. Okay, I know this is really helpful. I'd

love to hear from you. If you want to reach out on Instagram, arlinChildress,

or reply. If you're on my email list, reply to the email that

you get. Just let me know what you learned or what you want to know

more about. I read all those emails. We don't get a ton, so I

read them all and happy to respond to you.

And of course, if you're interested in working with me, I do have some openings

in my consultations right now. So you can book a

free consultation and we can talk about what it looks like to work with me

privately. Just you and me on Zoom. It's pretty cool. All right, mama.

Have a great week, and I will talk to you next time.