Rosalind Sadacca, a certified Divorce Coach and the mastermind behind the Child Centered Divorce Network, dives headfirst into the emotional whirlpool that is divorce, especially when kids are in the mix. The conversation kicks off with her sharing the heartbreaking yet relatable story of her own divorce journey, where she struggled for years to avoid 'the talk' with her son, only to realize that the tension was affecting him more than the divorce itself. She emphasizes the importance of early intervention and open communication, saying, "The earlier you get involved in the process, the smoother it can be." Rosalind's insights are not just anecdotal; they stem from years of experience helping parents navigate the treacherous waters of divorce while keeping children's best interests at heart. Throughout the episode, she offers practical advice on how to approach those dreaded conversations about divorce with kids, underscoring that it's crucial for parents to be role models and to foster an environment where children can express their feelings without fear of judgment. As the discussion unfolds, Rosalind highlights the crucial role of respect and co-parenting, reminding everyone that respect is the golden rule when it comes to parenting post-divorce. She warns against the dangers of badmouthing the other parent, explaining how detrimental it can be for a child's emotional health. The conversation takes an even deeper dive as Rosalind discusses how to handle situations where arguments or disagreements arise between parents. Her advice? Always keep the children out of the crossfire. She suggests using written communication when necessary, particularly in contentious situations, to prevent toxic dynamics from affecting the kids. Rosalind’s warm and encouraging demeanor, paired with her wealth of knowledge, provides listeners with a treasure trove of tools to navigate the complexities of co-parenting. To wrap it all up, Rosalind reminds us that the ultimate goal is to ensure children feel loved by both parents. This episode is a heartfelt reminder that while divorce is tough, it doesn’t have to spell disaster for the kids involved. With the right mindset and approach, parents can turn a painful situation into an opportunity for growth and resilience, and that’s a message everyone can take to heart.

Takeaways:

1. Divorce can be super tough, but prioritizing child-centric communication helps ease the transition for everyone involved, especially the kiddos.
2. Being a respectful co-parent means avoiding negative talk about your ex in front of the kids – they love both parents and should never feel guilty about it!
3. Apologizing to your child when you've made a mistake can teach them about responsibility and forgiveness, laying down some serious life skills for the future.
4. Early intervention in a divorce situation can prevent a mountain of mistakes and emotional baggage for the children, so don’t wait too long to seek help or coaching.

A gift from our guest: Doing Co-Parenting Right: Success Strategies For Avoiding Painful Mistakes (ebook)

https://www.childcentereddivorce.com/book

Rosalind Sedacca, CDC is recognized as The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce. She is a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach and founder of the Child-Centered Divorce Network which provides advice, programs, coaching and other valuable resources for parents who are facing, moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids About The Divorce? an internationally acclaimed ebook designed to help parents get through the tough divorce talk with the best possible outcome for themselves and their children. Rosalind has created several ebooks and e-courses on co-parenting success strategies including an 8-hr Anger Management For Co-Parents Course. She also hosts the Divorce, Dating & Empowered Living Radio Show & Podcast.

Rosalind's Facebook page

@rosalindsedacca on Instagram

Rosalind on YouTube

Rosalind's Website

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I now have the pleasure of introducing Rosalind Sadacca. Rosalind is a certified Divorce Coach and is recognized as the voice of Child Centered Divorce.

She is a divorce and co parenting coach and founder of the Child Centered Divorce Network which provides advice, programs, coaching and other valuable resources for parents who are facing moving through or transitioning after a divorce. She is the author of How Do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce?

An internationally acclaimed ebook designed to help parents get through the tough divorce talk with the best possible outcome for themselves and their children. Rosalind has created several ebooks and e courses on co parenting success strategies, including an eight hour Anger Management for Co Parents course.

She hosts the Divorce, Dating and Empowered Living radio show and podcast. Welcome Rosalind. It is a pleasure to have you here today. Thank you for joining us and thank.

You for inviting me. I'm looking forward to our conversation.

Yeah, whenever I was thinking about all the people that we love having on our show and the people that we want to help support families, it's like, you know, I really want someone who is very heart centered the way you are, the way you've shown up in the community to help these parents because divorce is never what we really want. And, and there's sometimes that it just happened. There's nothing that can be done about it.

So by bringing the children to the forefront of that discussion and those discussions and really making it the best can be for everybody involved, that's what we want today. So today I'm excited about having you share some of those ideas and strategies of, you know, what do we do when that divorce topic comes up.

So let's start with that ebook and really give the parents a great place to kind of start with. How do you broach that subject with your kiddos? Things are not going well.

Yes, it's the most difficult conversations many parents will ever have in their lives. It's a dreaded conversation and rightfully so.

But it doesn't have to be because there's a much simpler way of approaching it that I uncovered accidentally with my own divorce.

So I was, this was back in the 90s when I was getting a divorce and my son was 11 years old and I put it off for years and years because I didn't want to have a divorce and I didn't want to scar him. And finally I realized he was starting to get tension headaches and I knew something had to happen and the divorce was the right decision.

But there was so little information at that time and so little support compared to today.

Basically my ex and I had to figure out what to do and how to do it and make it work and, and we learned the hard way through experience and raised our son to a grown adult from 11 years old on.

And one day when he was in his early 20s, he came to me literally out of the blue and he said, you know Ma, you and daddy really did a good job with the divorce.

And I just wanted to thank you because most of my friends whose parents divorced either hate their parents or are very angry at them and, and I think you and daddy really did a good job. And I just let out such a sigh of relief.

I was holding on to so much guilt because you just don't know what's going to happen to your kids when you make such a huge decision.

And then when I thought about it, I realized that I had learned so much about the do's and the don'ts and what to avoid and there's serious mistakes that don't have to take place if you're addressing things properly that I realized I had a lot to share with others. And that's when I founded the Child Centered Divorce Network, became a divorce and co parenting coach.

Excellent. Yeah, so, so very, very important.

And to have your own child come back and tell you that, you know, that that really does help boost the idea that yeah, I did do something kind of. Right. It was one of the things that whenever I talk on different resil summits for children, right.

I talk about that communication part and that really keeping the child involved in a, you know, child age appropriate way. But let them know that, you know, it's between you and dad and we're going to do the best we can to help you get through it as well.

So, so very important.

I agree totally.

Yeah.

So when. So obviously the earlier you get involved in the process, the smoother it can be.

But somebody waited too long, stuff's really getting bad, you get to step in. How do you start to make this make sense for parents who are really going at it and not taking the child into consideration?

That's an important question and a tough one because you're right. I try to get in as early as possible so they can avoid the mistakes once they've made the mistakes.

The first thing to understand is that as parents we need to be able to apologize if we're aware that we made mistakes that we shouldn't have to sit down, look your child in the eyes and say, you know, Mommy said something very stupid. And I'm really sorry about that. Can you forgive me? I'll never say that again. Daddy made a poor decision, and that wasn't really thinking.

Well, for me, I'm sorry I did that. Can you forgive me? Let's move on from here. It won't happen again.

When you give children permission to own their own mistakes and there's no stigma to apologizing, that's a huge lesson that they could take with them the rest of their life, divorce or not. So sometimes when the parents hear what I'm telling them, they do have to own the mistakes they've made.

But what you want to be doing is listening to your children. Because we are role models as parents. And we forget that children don't learn from our lectures.

They learn from what they seeing us do, our behavior, our action. And so we have to be very mindful of that. And we have to start behaving in the ways that we want them to behave as adults.

And so we want to tell them about certain things and learn the mistakes so that we don't repeat them.

And one of the biggest mistakes that every professional agrees about is never to be fighting in front of your children or around your children so that they could hear it, even if it's in another room or on the phone. We don't want your children hearing you to fighting. Because children innately love both parents. They want to fix the situation.

It's impossible for them to fix your adult relationship chaos. And so they're helpless and. And they get very emotionally and psychologically upset and scarred when they're dealing with this again and again.

The tension hurts them, the stress hurts them, and it does lifelong damage to them the longer that they're exposed to that. So never fight around the children. Make a plan to stop, and then address the situation at another time when the children are not around.

You also want to be extremely mindful about never ever badmouthing the other parent to the children.

And that means not only saying bad things about the other parent, but eye rolling, body language, tone of voice, just the feeling that you disrespect. Respect is the most important thing in any relationship.

And when a child picks up on one parent or both parents disrespecting one another, it hurts them and. And again, there's nothing they can do.

They don't know how to fix the situation, but it wounds them, and they hold on to those wounds and it affects their feeling about life, their feeling about the future, which is very important, because when they're dealing with a divorce, it's a total unknown. Children have never had a divorce before. They don't know what it means necessarily, and they don't know how long it's going to be affecting them.

So the more we could minimize the consequences of the divorce and simplify everything that's going to happen, the easier it is for the children to adjust and move on and be more resilient with it.

So everything has to do with our mindset, our approach, and our way of dealing and being respectful to the other parent around the children just is a long range plus for everyone in the family.

And it's also good for you too, because a lot of times parents will forget that the divorce doesn't end the co parenting, it just begins the co parenting. And the co parenting is going to be for the rest of their lives. The rest of your life you're going to be co parenting if you're a parent.

And so you want to not only start off on a good track, but you want to find a way of maintaining this co parenting relationship. So your children are embarrassed, aren't embarrassed by you, aren't ashamed of you, aren't trying to avoid you, don't hate you.

And so one great question that parents could ask themselves, which I suggest to my clients very often is right at the get go, ask yourself, how are our children going to feel about the way we handle this divorce when they're grown adults? Because very often parents can't imagine you have a 5 year old or a 10 or 15 year old. You can't imagine them ever being grown up.

But they're going to grow up and they're going to hold you accountable for every decision you made. And so if you stop and think now, it may keep you from making foolish mistakes that you're later going to regret.

And as you were talking though, the movie the Santa Claus popped in my head, right? And in that movie, they come in and they're automatically the parents are fighting about Christmas, the death.

And the little boy yells from the other room, stop fighting. It makes me upset when you fight. And that just, that scene just is like vivid in my head.

And you know, we know it's not easy because, you know, there's bigger things happening like abuse and things like that. It, you know, changes things a little bit, but you still have to think about how is this impacting your child?

How can you actually communicate and get things done for the child? And the other thing you said reminds me of something that Herb talks about a lot, is that, you know, the badmouthing of the Other parent. Right.

We had that situation with our son whenever he, you know, had had a daughter and the girl and you know, he would say something.

The relationship didn't end well.

Yeah.

And group of his friends came over to the house and they were sitting around a campfire in the back, a fire pit in the backyard, and they started badmouthing my friend's ex and I stepped out, like, that is not acceptable. You were talking about the mother of my granddaughter. I will not have you ever disrespected. You chose to have a baby with that woman.

So there was at some point something happening. You will never ever disrespect. And I was like.

And they got it and they actually came back and started treating her better and with more respect because they did still have to deal with her. And it's like, that's not acceptable. It's like at all. Period. The end.

I didn't have a reason for it other than just moral indignation, outrage that someone is talking about the mother of my granddaughter that way. It's like not cool.

It's so harmful to, to so many people when that, when that happens. So it's definitely a no. No.

Yeah, exactly. So let's go into that little bit deeper that I just kind of alluded to.

So, you know, we have our quote unquote normal divorces where people just aren't really getting along and they get mad at each other and they divorce. Right.

But how do you, or do you help people who are that next layer deeper, there's some abuse or there something in there that really makes it necessary to divorce that's a little bit harder to deal with. What's this tip on that one?

Well, of course that, that's a whole other level.

And fortunately, child centered divorce attracts people who are more mindful and in agreement about the fact that they, they do love their children more than they hate or dislike their ex in general. So I, I attract a client whose situation isn't that. But I certainly have worked with people who have those huge challenges.

And the important thing for them to understand is again, your children are watching and learning from you. And so if you can't speak to each other, then you don't.

You put everything in writing, in texts, you don't have any verbal communication, you don't talk on the phone.

And you avoid that because two people who are stuck solidly in their behavior and they're not going to change are not going to be good parental role models for any children, no matter what's going on. Even if you say you love your children, exposing your children to that is harmful and toxic.

And so you have to keep your kids away from both parents ever being in the same environment so that they're not exposed to that kind of behavior. And you have to enlist technology today so that communication can take place when it has to take place.

But you're not going through the same patterns because it's, it's old relationship patterns from before the divorce into the, into the marriage. People don't change. And it's very important that everyone understands. The only one in the world that we can change is ourselves.

We all go out there wanting to fix and change other people because everything would be great if only they were like this. If only did that, they did that. And, and that's not going to happen.

And we should be taught that in school that the only one we could change is ourselves. So people don't waste their entire lives doing what they do.

And once you're aware of that, then what I do suggest with clients is that you shift your behavior into things that are totally different from what your usual pattern so that the other person is not, you're not in that same old, same old. Because that can go on forever. That can go on for decades and decades. And it's needless.

But if you do something different, if you don't respond when you used to respond, if you respond and say something totally different, if you behave in a different way or make a different choice, you throw the other person off guard. And that's what you basically want to do. You want to be thinking about what I can do that's different.

Because the other person is never going to be different. They're stuck in their pattern of misbehaving and being abusive.

And it's important that emotionally, knowing that you don't fall prey and just get triggered and triggered and triggered, that's harmful for you and it's not serving any, any purpose. So the, the ultimate answer is always to do the inner.

Work yourself on yourself and learning not to let other people make you feel less than and make you, make you feel it. You're not respected.

Because we, we can't accomplish anything as, as an adult in life unless we love and respect ourselves and expect other people to treat us that way. That word respect again is so important.

Yeah, that, that is such important advice and it is not easy to follow. So that, again, that can, that can come out so easily. And you said it so beautifully.

And yet to actually put that into practice in your life is a lifelong practice. It's not something you can go do on a weekend or go do over a week.

It is, it is a system of constant, of constant awareness and change to make again, to, to make yourself better, to do the work. And so it's like getting a coach for that, to get you started on that path. Then you'll need other coaches to help you like get reach next levels.

It's, it's, it's the way it is. And so there's no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed if you haven't been able to make it on your own.

If stuff got out of balance and you are fighting and you haven't had that opportunity to, to get together with someone, it's like, don't wait. You know, the only, the only time is it's too late is tomorrow. You know, do it now.

Yeah, I agree. Yes.

And it, it's amazing that when you get an idea that sticks with you and it's, it's a different idea, how free and liberating it is because now you have new material to work with with yourself and with other people. And I always suggest that clients be very mindful of your self talk because we are all talking to ourselves constantly.

And when our self talk is negative for us in any way, that means our self esteem is low, we're beating ourselves up, we're mistreating ourselves. And if you.

We have to stop everything else and start just working on that alone so that we can find ways to love and respect ourselves and accept ourselves. Because we can't expect other people to treat us well if we're not treating ourselves well.

So I'm going to take us down a rabbit hole for just a second.

Scientifically, there's about 30% of the population that doesn't have that inner monologue, that inner voice that when they're not actively using their brain, it's just quiet by. It's like the idea of that is almost terrifying to me, but I wish that were true. For there are people that, that don't actually do that.

And if you're one of them, it's like, I'm sure there's, there's your own issues that you have, but wow. Yeah. Not everybody has that inner voice that sits there and yells at them all day. Isn't that, isn't that a weird, a weird idea?

But it is, it is in there when they're doing something. So something inside is telling them to do something and it's.

And at that point, of course it's too late for most people to be Mindful and aware that it's suddenly acknowledging, yes, go ahead and kick that person or do something mean spirited. Unfortunately, those are issues that take more than just coaching alone. Unfortunately.

I love how this also goes back to one of your main points is that we are the role model for our children. Right. And so we want them to.

If we are working on ourselves and we are getting the coaching or the helping or the support that we need, what are your children seeing?

Oh, mom's worth it enough that she's going to get some help to help us or I'm worth it enough to get the help that will help us move forward kind of thing. So again, back to that. Role modeling is so super important.

And again with the role modeling is if you do the self work, don't fight in front of your children, don't do that. But do have disagreements and show how you resolve, you resolve things.

It's like, okay, we're gonna do this, we're gonna, it's like, so we have a difference of opinion than we have and so show problem resolution. But, but if it gets to the point of name calling and blah. Yeah, don't go there. If it gets to yelling, don't go there.

If you have problems and you're in a calm place and you can work through that, that is a great, a great thing to model for your children.

Yes.

And also I suggest to parents who are divorcing or divorced that when children come to them with a question, instead of coming up with an answer, it's really helpful for them to say, hey, you know what, I need to talk to daddy about that and I'll get back to you.

Now if you're co parenting and you're not in a relationship anymore, the more you can do that, the more it solidifies the fact that these two are still my parents and they're still playing the parent role.

And when you get back to them and say, mom and I talked and we've decided such and such, they're much more likely to accept it and listen to that as the final word.

As opposed to when, when the two parents have two different perspectives, the kids ask and then they play one another against each other and they say, daddy said I could do that, Mommy said so. The more solidified you can be, especially post divorce, the easier it is to parent them.

And all you have to do is put off the answer and say, you know, that's a good question. I'll have to think about that and I'm going to talk to mom about that.

Suddenly it gives You a chance to breathe and think, to talk to the other parents and then the kids are back remembering, I have two parents. So you don't have to be in agreement all the time.

But the more you can be in agreement when you finally give an answer to your children, the easier the parenting side of it is going to be.

That's great advice for parents who are still married anyway, because my kids would come and like, have you talked to your mom yet? It's like, well, we'll go talk about it. So it's like, yeah, that, that's an so.

But yeah, for co parenting, I can see how that actually even ratchets up another in the importance of, of keeping again that, that connection together in that respect.

And that actually was going to be.

My next question is like, what is a tip that you can give parents who have that issue of, oh, the rules are different in each household or each parent allows different things. How, how do we balance that a little bit besides just saying, in my house, we do it this way, period, the end.

Well, and the word is is balance. Because yes, kids can understand in two different houses there are two different rules.

If the parents can just accept that and then they could easily say, you know, daddy lets you stay up till 9:30 and I want you to sleep at 9, whatever that is that that becomes. It doesn't become a big issue if everyone is in agreement that this, these changes are changes in our houses.

The important thing is that we're not putting down the changes. We're not criticizing them, we're not judging them, we're not creating issues around them.

The more respect the parents can show to one another, the more respect the children will have for both parents. And one parent doesn't become the bad guy. One parent isn't demeaned by the other parent.

When the kids get the ability to manipulate and sabotage either parent or both parents, they will take that opportunity to do that. That's power for them and that's a normal thing for children to do.

Or we don't want to let them do that, especially in a divorce situation, which makes it easier for them and the consequences are more dramatic.

So I just, I had, I just came up with a really great conversation that could probably apply to several people that we've been talking to lately.

What happens if we have a divorced couple and one of them really wants to homeschool the children and the other one really wants to keep them in public school?

And.

How do we come across that? Because it's like we are very big opponents of bringing children home and creating better educational opportunities for that.

So we kind of, we kind of fall towards that side of the things.

So from a neutral, mostly hopefully neutral perspective, how do you, in a situation like that, with an idea like that and a decision, suppose that big for their children, where does, how do we help parents get through that? Because we have parents who want to homeschool and then their spouse like no, that's not going to happen.

Yeah. And, and those, those are the, the huge issues that, that happen in, in family dynamics.

So sometimes it's taking turns on who's going to win in, in a situation. If, if there's something where you could have different choices and work things through.

In other cases, you need to bring in a mediator and have a dispassionate third party listen to both sides and write down all the evidence and the emotional components of what you're feeling and see if they could help create an agreement. It's very hard to find an agreement when the sides are two totally different things and they're going to be long lasting.

There's no simple solution, but it has to do with how respectfully you can do it and whether you can discern if this is truly an issue that's about the children's well being and specifics about the educational process versus other components that are falling into the conversation and coloring it in one way or another because of an argument that you'd been having for the last six years that moves in a certain way or you always get your way, so why should you get your way this time? So, you know, there's, there's no simple answer to that, but it, it definitely needs to be addressed.

And parents know their kids better than anyone else.

So what works in one family is not necessarily what's going to work well in another family because of the, just the personalities of the individual children. And in some cases, one or more children may do better in one environment while the other child does better in the other environment.

It isn't a hard and fast rule necessarily of what's best when you're talking about things as individual as children's personalities. So definitely that's a tough one.

And I love how you talked about whenever they go to a mediator or whatever, they really try to get down to the point where it's like, it's not an emotional thing, it's for the benefit of the child. What are the pros of this kind of education for the child?

What are the cons for the education for this child who has the Timing to do it, those kinds of things. When you can really talk out those things and make it about the proper education of the child. Yeah, I can see how that's a benefit.

I was going to say that.

Yeah, just like that.

There's also a wonderful question that I have my clients ask themselves when it comes to big parenting decisions. And that question is, would I be still making the same decision if we were still married?

Would I be making the same decision if we were still married? If your answer is yes, and then it's a pure parenting situation decision.

But if you know in your heart that you would have said yes about that, but now you're going to say no because you know it's really going to hurt her, hurt him, it's going to get them, you know, you know each other's weaknesses.

So if you're changing your perspective because not because of the well being of the children, but because post divorce you have other motives, then that's a bad way of making decisions about anything in parenting. So bring yourself back to asking that question and be honest with yourself. And that's really important. We've got a visitor.

That's okay.

We had one earlier. You were eyes down a moment, but my little puppy in my lap popped up.

At least yours is quiet. Yeah, no, yeah, no. And this is a family show, right? We, we love our pets, we love our kids, we love how this all happens.

So yeah, and I love that, you know, big, the big decisions. Exactly what you said. Ask yourself, would I have made a different decision if we were still married? I think that puts a whole different light on it.

And you know, it's hard to bring a mediator into a marriage discussion like that, but that sounds like a good idea. So maybe we could create some sort of a questionnaire for parents who, we just got blurry.

Who one parent wants to, to, to homeschool and the other one doesn't.

We can create a questionnaire to take the, the emotional out of, out of that, even with inside of a family and get down to the reasons instead of the feelings. So that would be a great thing even within, within a married family. Because this, this decision still does cause a lot of stress.

Yeah.

Oh yeah.

And maybe it could prevent a divorce.

Yeah.

Because I'm sure sometimes children are, are very key factors in, in why parents split up. Is, is. Oh yeah. Agreeing.

Yeah.

And that's one of the things we talked about when we got married is like, you know, there were so many pre marriage discussions, pre child discussions about how we wanted things to look, and what were possibilities as we moved into that relationship?

And I gotta say that something that happened is also, she's Catholic and I'm not. So I, we had to go through a class together to talk about those differences in our views. So something.

And so even, even in a Catholic church, Catholic couples, they have to go through that, that marriage class to talk about kind of stuff like that.

If you're religious or not, those are great.

That would be great.

You're having.

I just, I, you know, I went through that thinking, oh, I'm doing that just because. What a grade. Now that I'm old, it's like, what a great idea. That was. That was really, really helpful in a lot of. Now that I'm old.

I don't think you're old.

Married 36 years.

Wow, good for you. That's great.

Oh, Roslyn, this has been such a great conversation and you've been giving such great concrete tips for our families. Thank you so very, very much. Is there something that we haven't hit on that you really want to make sure we brought into this conversation?

I mean, lots of big things. We have our big hitters. When people talk to us about education, when people come to you, what's the big one? What's. It's like.

There's one that almost everybody talks about that, that you can give a little bit of advice for.

Well, the, the mistakes are the things that people talk about the most. But I want to suggest that no one knows your children better than you.

And it's very important to understand and be able to talk to your children at their age level, look them in the eye and let them know that you're really caring and loving them and that whatever they say matters, let them be able to vent, especially in a divorce situation. Let them say how terrible this is. I hate this. I don't like that.

And all these, the issues, things in life that are happening that are terrible right now and acknowledge it. Let them know that you wish this wasn't happening and we're going to try to change things and shift things and we're going to do this.

And we can't fix everything now, but we can do that and we could try doing that. So let them get involved in the issue so that they feel their part, that they count, that they matter.

There's two things that I do want to make sure we don't forget. The two things that children need most when you in.

In life, and especially when you're getting a divorce, is that they need to have the Ability to feel that they're loved by both parents.

Sometimes one parent feels superior and that the other parent isn't good, and it doesn't deserve to be loving the children, but the children need the love from both parents if they want it. So children need to be able to feel loved by both parents and the freedom to love both parents without one parent putting the other one down and.

And demeaning it and making them feel like they're stupid for loving that terrible parent. So let them be loved by both parents and let them love both parents, and that's.

That's a gift for you to give them, and that's a blessing in their life.

Oh, I love that. Yeah. My heartstrings are just pulling right there as a teacher.

You know, for so many years in the classroom, that was the hardest thing to help the children with were like, oh, well, mom and dad won't be here together because they can't be in the same room together. You know, I could feel the angst in the child. Right. It's like, oh, my gosh.

And so whenever possible, I was kind of that mediator, and I would, you know, mention the parents. Like, it'd be really helpful if both of you could show up, because this is a big discussion that we have to have.

And sometimes they were able to, and sometimes they weren't.

And then sometimes, you know, I could talk to the child and just kind of explain a little bit like, mom and dad aren't there yet, but hopefully someday they'll be able to be here at the same time.

Yeah, that.

Yeah. Love it. Love it. Love it. Yeah. And the two sides of that allow them to feel the love of both and to love both of them, if possible. Yeah.

Yes. Without feeling that they're wrong for. For loving the other parent. It.

It seems so simple, but it's profoundly complex and deep when those things are being challenged.

Yeah.

So what are some activities that you suggest for the parents to start doing with the kids? It's like, you start working with them, stuff's going wrong. How do they. Is like, do dads approach it different than moms? How. How do we.

It's like, I don't know. How do we start? I've been married for 36 years. I haven't had to go through this. I don't understand any of it. I don't want to.

So I'm thankful that you're here to help other parents.

Yes. And I don't want them to either.

So, yes, it's important to be able to understand the One thing we can agree on is we love our children more than we may dislike our existence.

And if you could start with that agreement, that's all you need to be able to make progress in finding other agreements along the way in ways to co parent. And I do suggest a co parenting strategy is to find something that your ex is doing. Right. You know, when you're divorced, there's.

You just have a litany of things that's, that's wrong.

And when you have a conversation, you get on the phone or you start talking in person and then you start talking about last week, you forgot that and you didn't do this. And it goes on and on and on. It happens in all marriages and it's even worse in a divorce.

But if you could stop first and say, hey, thanks for picking up Johnny last week, two hours early. I know it was an inconvenience, but I really needed that. And then go on with the other things in your conversation.

Catch them doing something right, just like with children. And it's a boost. Give your ex and attaboy. Pat on the back and acknowledgement.

Because all of us need to feel heard and acknowledged and validated in some way. So if, if you do that, your ex is more likely to pick up on that and say something nice to you on occasion.

And that starts a different level of communication. And it's a gift to the children. Everything. You love it.

Yeah, I'm gonna say get, if you get to that point, get a coach and start doing that before you get divorced. Yes, that might make a difference.

Yes.

Doesn't then that can move forward with your children. Don't wait until it's like, oh, we're getting a divorce.

And then, no, if you care about the kids, get the coaching early, get the help early, get the co parenting plan. If it's not going to work out early, you know, again, the earlier you get involved in this, the better. So if stuff's not working, it's like.

And you care about the kids because the best predictor for a kid's future outcome is to be raised by both parents.

Absolutely.

And so if you care about your kids, you might not be able to live together, but being stable together is still incredibly, incredibly important. And for both parents to be in their children's lives.

Yes, I love that.

And I had a question at the start of that, but that was profound, so I just stopped.

Excellent. All right, go ahead and give the audience your contact information.

If any of this has resonated, if this is like someone that I really need to talk to because I'm kind of stuck right now or I want to make the relationship I have right now up level a little bit. Roslyn how do they get a hold of you?

Yes, and I do provide a complimentary initial session for everyone because I want to make sure I'm a good fit for people before I start working with them.

So everything about me and my services is at child centered divorce.com@childcentereddivorce.com I have a free ebook right at the top of the homepage on post divorce parenting success strategies and then I have tons of valuable low cost information, tip sheets and ebooks and resources. I have tons of videos that are educational.

There's an eight hour anger management for co parents course that I highly recommend and my sterling book is the how do I Tell the Kids about the Divorce where I It's a unique approach to breaking the divorce news that is internationally acclaimed. So that's there. As well as my one on one coaching services.

I do that worldwide so anyone can get some help and tips and support, feel supported and feel like they're going to eliminate a lot of pain and anguish for their children.

Excellent. Of course all of that information is down the show notes as well, but we always like to have you say it out loud so it sinks in there a little bit.

Yeah. This is such a great conversation.

Thank you so much for your time and your effort and really making sure that we're putting kids first because you know, parents have their things.

But whenever we're really trying to raise kids that are going to be happy, healthy and successful, we need this stuff in our back pocket just for the just in case. So thank you again for being here today.

Yes, thank you for being here. You know, so many people go through divorce and they have their own issues and they put their head down and they deal with it.

You went through it, you fought your dragon and you found a little bit of gold in that. And instead of just going along, you took that gold and you are now sharing it with the world.

You brought it back to the village and now you're sharing it. And that is the hero's journey. You leave the village, you fight the dr, you get the gold, you come home and you share it.

And so you are a hero, you know, in a world where it's filled with pain in in what you do, you're bringing a little light and and hope to the children for a better future. So thank you for what you do. Thank you for being a hero and thank you for helping families.

Thank you so much. It was a pleasure. I, I love the work you're doing and thank you for having me as your guest.

You're very, very welcome audience. It is time to make sure that we are sharing this and exploring these ideas and really making sure that you know, we are being the courageous ones.

We're taking that step forward every single day being the role model helping our kids. Oh my gosh, this one hit me today. Anyway, yeah, you know what to do like share and post this podcast to other people who could really, really use it.

And let's make sure these experts that are taking their time and energy to really support families are getting out there letting them know that yeah, there's people out there who can help us up level take the next step and help our children be the absolute best they can be. Until next time. Bye for now.

For now.