Hello and welcome back to family sobriety now I'm your host. Joseph Devlin, today, we're talking about something that sounds simple, but for many families, feels almost impossible,
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letting go,
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letting go, of trying to manage everything,
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letting go of trying to control outcomes,
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letting go of the constant mental effort to hold it all together.
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And if you're hearing that and thinking, if I let go, everything's going to fall apart, then this episode is for you. So let's get at it. I
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want to start with a story. There was a mother I worked with who kept a notebook,
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and in that notebook, she tracked everything, what time her son came home, what his mood was like, what he said, What he didn't say, whether he seemed off.
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She wasn't doing it to control him.
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She was doing it to feel some sense of control,
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because if she could track it, maybe she could understand it,
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and if she could understand it, maybe she could prevent the next problem.
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And one day, she showed me the notebook
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page after page of observations,
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pattern she thought she was seeing,
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moments she was trying to make sense of.
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And then she said something very quietly,
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I feel like, if I stop paying attention, something bad will happen.
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And I asked her,
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How is it working?
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And she paused,
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and she said,
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I'm exhausted,
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and I still don't feel any more in control,
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and that's the tension so many families live it,
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holding on tighter, but feeling less and less state.
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Here's the first thing to understand, control feels like safety,
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but most of the time, it's actually anxiety in disguise,
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because control says,
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If I monitor enough,
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if I say the right thing,
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if I catch it early enough,
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then maybe things won't go
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but here's the reality,
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you didn't cause this. You can't control it,
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and you can't cure it,
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and that's not something people want to hear,
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because it feels like Letting go means giving up, but it doesn't.
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Letting go of control
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is not the same as letting go of care you
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her. Let me give you another example.
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There was a husband who told me he felt like he was always on duty.
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He would check his wife's tone when she walked in,
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watch how she moved through the house, listen for small changes in her voice,
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and if something felt off, his whole evening would shift.
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He tried to steer conversations, keep things light, avoid anything that might trigger conflict.
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And one night,
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he decided to try something different,
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not dramatic, just different.
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His wife came home, and he noticed right away.
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Way, something felt off,
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and instead of adjusting himself, he stayed the same.
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He greeted her normally,
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sat down and continued his routine.
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He didn't ignore her, but he didn't chase the mood either.
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And later that night, she said to him,
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You didn't react the way you usually do. And
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he said, Yeah,
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I'm trying not to manage everything anymore.
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And she didn't respond right away, but something shifted,
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because for the first time,
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he wasn't participating in the same cycle.
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And what he told me later was this,
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it felt really uncomfortable, but also freeing.
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This brings us to the second piece.
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Letting go doesn't mean doing nothing.
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It means doing what's yours and releasing what's not,
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your tone, your boundaries, your consistency. Those are yours,
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their choices, their reactions, their timeline.
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Those are not yours.
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And here's the third piece,
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when you stop over functioning,
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you give the other person space to feel the weight of their own choices,
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not in a harsh way,
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not in a punishing way, but in a real way.
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Because when we constantly step in, adjust, fix, manage, we unintentionally remove that space,
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and without that space, change becomes harder.
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So let me give you three takeaways,
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and I want these to be something you can actually try this week.
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Number one,
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notice where you are over monitoring and gently pull back.
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You don't have to stop everything at once. Just notice are you checking their tone, constantly, watching their behavior closely, trying to predict what's coming next.
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Pick one moment today
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where you would normally monitor and choose not to.
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There was a parent I worked with who stopped checking their son's location every hour,
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not forever, just for one afternoon,
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and what they realized was the anxiety came up,
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but then it passed,
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and in that space,
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they felt a small sense of relief.
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That's where it starts.
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Number two,
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stay consistent in your behavior, even when their behavior shifts?
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This is what the husband did. He didn't match the mood. He didn't chase it, he didn't adjust himself to stabilize the environment,
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he stayed the same.
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So a simple way to practice this.
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Ask yourself, how do I want to show up tonight,
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not based on them,
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but based on you,
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and then stay with it,
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even if it feels uncomfortable,
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because consistency creates stability, even when everything else feels uncertain.
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Number.
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Three
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ask yourself this one question, is
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this mind to carry?
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This question can change everything.
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When something happens, pause and ask, is this mind to carry,
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or
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am I stepping in because it feels uncomfortable not to
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you don't have to answer it perfectly.
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Just asking the question creates space,
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and that space allows you to respond instead of react.
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If you've been holding everything together, trying to manage every outcome, trying to prevent every possible problem,
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I want you to hear this clearly.
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You don't have to carry all of that.
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Letting Go doesn't mean you don't care.
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It means you're choosing a different way to care,
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one that's more sustainable. More grounded, and ultimately, more effective.
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If this resonates with you,
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if you're feeling that tension between holding on and letting go,
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I'd love to connect with you,
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because I walk with families through this every single day,
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and you don't have to figure it out alone.
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And if you found something valuable in this episode,
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please share it with someone else who might need to hear it, because the more we talk about this, the more families begin to find their footing again. I
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want to thank you for being with me here today
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and as always remember, sobriety is a family affair.
