In this episode Emily shares a how difficult her entrance to motherhood was. Rushing to the hospital to deliver a very premature baby was not at all how she pictured welcoming her first child into the world. Not only was this a difficult time financially for their family, it also revealed a deep lack of community in their lives.

Premature births account for somewhere between 9-15% of births. Let's hear the truly practical advice Emily provides so we can support other mothers walking through a similar difficulty.

Scripture Mentioned:

Psalm 18

They're the joyful agains our children shout on the swings, the

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exhausting agains of cooking and laundry,

and the difficult agains of discipline.

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So much of what we do

as mothers is on repeat.

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So what if we woke up with clarity,

knowing which agains we were called

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to, and went to bed believing we

are faithful in what matters most?

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We believe God's Word is

the key to untangle from the

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confusion and overwhelm we feel.

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Let's look up together to embrace a

motherhood full of freedom and joy.

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Welcome to the again, podcast.

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I'm your host, Stephanie Hickox.

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And this is brought to you

by entrusted ministries.

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In John 1335, Jesus said by

this, all people will know

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that you are my disciples.

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If you have love for one another.

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That verse has been going through

my head over and over lately,

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as I've been thinking about the

local church and the support that

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we're called to give one another.

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Whether it's delivering

vitamins for a sick friend.

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Being there for a grieving widow

or someone who just had a baby or

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received a cancer diagnosis, we

are called to support each other.

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It seems the temptation is constant of

connecting through a quick text, but

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let's not forget the true, authentic

fellowship that we were called to that

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requires face to face interaction.

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This is part one of an

interview I had with Emily deal.

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She's sharing one of her greatest

trials and motherhood, and it began

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right at the beginning when her child

came much earlier than anyone expected.

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Did you know that nine to

15% of babies go to the NICU?

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After being born.

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That is a much higher number

than I would have expected.

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So I think it's important that

we hear a testimony of someone

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explaining what that was like and

how we can support them in it.

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But not only does Emily share

that she shares how the Lord

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was so faithful to their family.

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And though it's a little embarrassing

at the very end , I'm sharing

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about a recent humbling example.

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I of a foolish lie.

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I was believing that was preventing me.

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From

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connecting.

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And

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Stephanie: having a deeper fellowship.

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Maybe you can relate.

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Steph: The further along I get in

motherhood, I realize that having mothers

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that are just a little bit down the road

from me, or much farther down the road

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than me, is such an absolute treasure.

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Emily, even last night, I called you

with the parenting situation that I feel

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very discouraged about, and you were

so gracious and so encouraging to say,

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there's a light at the end of this tunnel.

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That's why I think it will be such a

blessing for moms to hear you share this

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testimony of a really difficult season.

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That you went through, and I see the

woman that you are today as such fruit

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of the trials that you went through.

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I see your heart for

community and authenticity.

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I didn't know you before this trial

that we're going to talk about, but

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it seems to me that a lot of this

was born in you out of that season.

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I know it was a long time ago,

but could you please tell us

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about your pregnancy with your

firstborn who, how old has Ben now?

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17?

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Emily: He will be 18 in

just a couple months.

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We're taking it back almost 18 years ago.

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In some ways it feels as if it was

yesterday and some ways it feels

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like it truly was 18 years ago.

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But I can honestly say before I

get into Ben's story that I can

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look across these years and I can

just see the goodness of God in our

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physical needs and in our health

needs and in our financial needs, but

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In his goodness to grow us in him.

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I see that evident and I'm

so grateful to him for it.

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We often resist the very things that

will bring us close to him because

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they make us the most uncomfortable.

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No one asked for a premature birth.

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No one asked for the uncertainty that it

brings, but in our lives, it cultivated

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this desire for the Lord and desire for

just wanting so much for our family.

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And he used it to awaken those

goals and longings that we had

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and bring resolution to it.

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Benjamin was born eight weeks early.

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That was very much a surprise

because my pregnancy went perfectly.

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Everything was on track.

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Everything was progressing as it should.

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All of my visits were filled

with good news, which, of which

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we were incredibly grateful for.

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At 31 weeks I was having

some contractions.

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I went in and thought, Oh, surely this

is not what I think it is, but it was.

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And so the prescription they had

for me was bed rest and I went home

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on bed rest and exactly one week

to the day that I went in, he came.

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Benjamin came into the world.

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And so he was eight weeks early.

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And

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Steph: You weren't working

at that time, right?

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Emily: I was nannying actually at that

time and I was staying in their house.

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And they were out of town.

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Actually they had to fly back early.

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So I was nannying and then at 31 weeks

they came back and I went on bedrest.

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I remember I tried to be so

vigilant in not going up and down

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the stairs and just all the things

that they told me to not do.

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I was super vigilant in doing,

but Despite my best laid plans

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Benjamin came and it was at night.

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I was laying in bed and my water

broke and I woke Jacob and I said, I

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think we need to go to the hospital.

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It was full panic because in so

many ways, I was ignorant as to

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what premature birth could bring.

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In other ways, I knew we

had a road ahead of us.

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I just didn't know what it was.

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That's where we found ourselves rushing to

the hospital late at night, the two of us.

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And I look back on this whole

time, I think the best word that

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I could use, if I had to sum it up

in one word, it would be uncertain.

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I was uncertain as to what would lay

ahead of me on the other end of labor.

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I was uncertain because preceding this,

my husband had been laid off from his job.

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And so that means no

insurance, no benefits.

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I had many things racing through my head

as we were on the way to the hospital.

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But it was a lot of uncertainty.

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Steph: What did the

labor itself look like?

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Was it very rushed?

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I'm thinking about all of my labors.

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I knew this is painful, but this is right.

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This is what needs to happen.

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Emily: I felt as if I was just

going through the motions.

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I had zero control.

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The labor, I knew he needed to come out.

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My water broke.

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It was time.

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The labor was Actually pretty quick.

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I think I was in labor with him from

beginning to end, it was about six hours.

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, I say it wasn't long, it really

felt so quick because everything

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was just happening so fast.

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I do remember as soon as he

was born, there were so many

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doctors in the room and nurses.

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And I remember they took him right away.

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They had A little incubator set up

with all of the things that they needed.

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I didn't see him for quite a few hours

because they rushed him out of the room.

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My husband was there and

he did get to go with him.

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But I did not get to see him.

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I think it was about four to

five hours because they needed to

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take care of me and do what they

needed to do with me in the room.

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They had to care for him and run

all the tests and do all the things

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before I could go and see him.

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I remember laying there.

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And I had heard him cry and that

brought a lot of comfort to my heart.

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But that's all, I didn't know

what he looked like, nothing.

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And so again, the Lord was good in

this because this was also my first.

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And so I, I didn't know what to expect.

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Everything was

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new and I didn't have any past

experience to gauge it by.

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So in that way, I'm so grateful.

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Because I didn't have any milestones in

my own mind, I remember by the time I was

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able to go in and see him, they wheeled

me and he was full Of tubes and needles.

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And it was very intimidating.

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He was very tiny.

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He was four pounds, which actually

for a premature baby that sounds

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small, but he was pretty decently

sized for premature baby.

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Steph: Yes Because towards the

end they gained quite a bit,

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Emily: They do.

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He looked very frail and so

tiny and I remember being a

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little bit scared to hold him.

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I didn't want to do anything that would

hurt him because he just looked so tiny.

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I do remember the first time I held

him, and I had to be careful because

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he had all the cords attached to him.

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It was sweet, but also I felt like

it was hard to process because

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there was so much going on.

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They had to feed him through a

feeding tube when he was first born

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because he didn't have the ability

to suck yet because he was so young.

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Nothing was As I had dreamed it to

be, when you're a first time mom, you

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have all of these visions and thoughts

about what it's going to be like.

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And it was not like anything I

had thought that it would be.

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It was a little, it was actually a

lot scary because you just, you go

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into it totally wide eyed because

you don't know what's going on

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and you don't know what to expect.

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Steph: Were you aware that

you were grieving.

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The loss of what you had expected

or what you had hoped or, okay.

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Emily: most definitely

not during that time.

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I don't know if everyone's this

way, but it was just one foot in

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front of the other, because I felt

like if I let down, I couldn't make

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it through whatever was to come.

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I was just arming myself

for the next thing.

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Because as you're sitting in the NICU

and the nurses are talking to you, that's

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your whole conversation is the next step.

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What's the next step?

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Which actually is probably a gift from

the Lord because you're not able To

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sit and think about processing really

much of anything unless it is the

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next milestone that they need to hit.

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I wasn't processing any of that

because I couldn't, I was just

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thinking about what he needed to do.

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And what he needed to do was hit three

milestones in order to come home.

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He had to be able to suck.

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He had to be able to form suction.

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So he could eat on his own.

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He had to get his coloring.

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Normal, and he had to be able to

sleep through the night without

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the apnea monitor going off.

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His heart would stop while he

was sleeping, and so the apnea

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monitor alerted us to that.

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So he had to be able to sleep

without his heart stopping.

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And so those were the three

milestones that we had to hit.

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So as you're processing all of this.

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That's what your mind is on.

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The next step that your baby has to hit.

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Steph: That makes sense.

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I can understand why the practical,

tangible milestones and surviving taking

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the forefront in your mind and you

can't enter into All of the emotions

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Emily: Yes.

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A hundred percent.

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Steph: what was your schedule

like while Ben was in the NICU?

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Emily: I lived and died

by his eating schedule.

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While I was in the hospital as they

do, they bring in the lactation nurse

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and she was absolutely fabulous.

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And though I was not able to

nurse him right away she did help

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me and talk me through pumping.

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That was my life was pumping for Benjamin.

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I would pump and then take it to him.

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And that is what they fed

him through the feeding tube.

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My whole world revolved

around his feeding times.

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Because those were the times that

I could hold him while he ate.

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And those were some, Sweet times.

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The nurses were absolutely fabulous.

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NICU nurses that is a

ministry all in its own.

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Those nurses were just fantastic.

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I can still remember them to this day.

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They really took the time to be

so sweet and invest in the moms.

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That was my whole being was being there

for Ben, being there for nursing time.

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I would plan my visits around

seeing him during those times.

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They let me be there as much as I wanted.

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I don't know, maybe it's changed

today, they were so fantastic , in

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encouraging me to sleep when I could.

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They would always say, you get your

rest, come back during his feeding times,

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because those are the times that you can

bond the most, you're welcome anytime.

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But they really encouraged me to

be able to rest in the in between.

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I can't imagine driving

away without my child.

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What was that like for you, Emily?

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Was it hard to leave?

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Emily: Yes.

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Leaving the hospital without

your baby is one of the most

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difficult things I've ever done.

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I stayed a few days after he was born.

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My husband had gotten a job he

was slated to start the day that

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I came home from the hospital

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We had no family around.

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Everybody lived far away.

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At the time we did not have friends

that were, And so it was just

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Jake and I because he started a

new job he was not available to

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drive me home from the hospital.

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I drove myself home from the

hospital this was the hardest day

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that I ever had because I drove home,

I left my baby at the hospital.

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, in my mind, this was just not

how it was supposed to be.

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My arms were empty and my heart was heavy

and I was driving away without my son.

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I remember getting in the car and

driving home and just thinking what now?

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There were so many unknowns.

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I pulled in the garage, I walked into

the kitchen, into the living room.

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And I remember just sitting on the

reclining chair and just I was crying

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because I thought again, this is

not how it's supposed to be, Lord.

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And what next?

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And what now?

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At the time that I left Ben

had not hit any milestones.

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It was totally unknown how long

he would need to be in the NICU.

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And I felt this responsibility and

care and concern for him, but I didn't

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know what to do with it because I

couldn't really be there for him.

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His whole survival was based on those

wonderful NICU nurses and not on me.

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It was the most lost feeling

I think I've ever felt.

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I believe this is where the Lord works

so greatly in our lives and He, through

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our deepest pain helps us be able to

minister and care for others in ways

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that we couldn't have had we not walked

the road that He had called us to walk.

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This was Our road that

he had called us to walk.

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This is when my days just became consumed

with pumping and going to the hospital

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and pumping and going to the hospital.

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We were very blessed in that time

because Benjamin was there for four

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weeks and then he was able to come home.

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And that was like no other

feeling in the world when he

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was finally able to come home.

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Steph: That's a long time.

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That's a very long time

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Emily: It was a long time.

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It was a long time of a lot of

uncertainty and it was a long

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time with a lot of questions

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Steph: When my kids have gone through

different health issues, it seems like

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that's one of the hardest things for

me as a mother, but it seems like my

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husband always has this reassurance,

oh, it's going to be fine, it's

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going to be fine, I'm wondering.

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Did Jake really have that confidence

with him starting a new job?

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I'm sure he had divided focus.

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Maritally, was that a really strong

time for you to rely on each other?

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Or did you feel like we don't

have complete unity because you're

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starting on this new endeavor?

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How would you describe that time?

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Emily: That time between us, I still look

back on that time as just God's goodness

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because there are so many things that

could have gone wrong, but honestly,

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during that time, it was survival and for

both of us he was incredibly supportive.

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And he was very reassuring.

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But this is where the

goodness of the Lord comes in.

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Because when I look back on those

times when you think back to the

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labor of your children, you don't

remember the hardness of it.

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You just remember the goodness of it.

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Steph: of that.

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it, but so hard.

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But I'm glad for you

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Emily: I feel like the Lord blurs

the details because I really feel

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like those details are so blurred.

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Maybe I had trauma.

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But we made it through that time and

Yes, Jake had quite a commute, and

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I was going opposite way going to the

hospital, and then we would come together

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at night and kind of share about our

days, and he was incredibly encouraging.

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I do remember him being encouraging,

but there was so much going on that

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I don't remember the heavy details.

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And I do think that's the Lord's

protection because I just remember

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being so focused on Benjamin.

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Now, if you were to ask Jake, maybe

he would have a different story.

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But I remember being very focused on Ben.

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And just talking about that next milestone

because we hit them just one by one.

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And so we were counting down

together to the next one and

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the next one and the next one.

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Then when the realization hit that he

would be coming home we went to the

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hospital and we picked Ben up and drove

him home and now when we brought him

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home, he still had his apnea monitor.

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And this is where my mom came in

to just be a huge blessing to us.

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Because during this time, I had been alone

going back and forth and then she came

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and stayed with us for this next part.

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And the next part was bringing Ben

home with his apnea monitor and then

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a series of doctor's appointments

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when you have a baby that is

premature, the doctors are just

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checking everything, eyesight

hearing all of the different tests.

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And she was so present in

going to the appointments.

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And I would say if you know a mom

who is walking through the waters of

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premature birth, and she has no family

around the The most ministering

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thing you can do for her heart is

to offer to go to appointments with

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her because my mom caught so many

things that I missed because you

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have so much information thrown at

you in just a short amount of time.

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I'm sure that was such a comfort

to have your mom be able to stay.

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And go to all of those

appointments with you.

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Do you recall what it was

like when she had to leave?

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Emily: Yeah, that's a

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great

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question.

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That was very hard to watch my mom leave.

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I remember the night before she was

supposed to leave I was just so afraid

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because I hadn't been alone with

Benjamin yet, and he still had his apnea

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monitor, so he was still struggling

with his heart stopping at night.

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I was so scared.

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I do remember my dad was also

with my mom during that time.

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And my dad came to me and said, would

it help if we stayed one more night?

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And I said, yes, please.

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And yes, I, but I do remember them.

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Driving away and I just thought,

how am I going to do this on my own?

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it was a hard day when my mom

left me alone with little tiny

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Benjamin It was a very hard day.

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It was so scary because I felt

so unprepared and so scared.

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I was supposed to have eight more weeks

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Steph: and you weren't just

physically exhausted, you're

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emotionally exhausted, right?

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Just from all of the uncertainty.

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There had to be a weariness that

you were experiencing that is

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beyond what a typical new mom feels.

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Emily: Yes, there was a lot

of emotional exhaustion.

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I think often when you go through

something like that, you don't process

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it until you're on the back end of it.

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And by this time I was

on the back end of it.

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We had brought him home and you're

dealing with so many emotions and so

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much fear that you're processing through

all of that and it's so easy to feel.

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Utterly alone, and we know we're not,

but yes, I did feel very alone and

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just scared, and also not knowing if

I was even equipped to be a mom yet.

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And that time, oh, it was, it's, it

was a gift, but it was also, every

358

moment was unknown and very scary.

359

Um, of course.

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And I'm sure you were very obedient

and wanting to follow up with

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all these doctors appointments.

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But I know that the bills were piling

in and you're waiting for the new

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insurance that had to be just another

layer of fear and uncertainty.

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Emily: Yes.

365

It was that was difficult because Jake had

been laid off and so he had his new job,

366

but his insurance hadn't yet kicked in.

367

We were dealing with with all of that.

368

When I say uncertain, it

was uncertain in every way.

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But also, when I look back now, I

see God's faithfulness in it all.

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When you're in the midst of it, you don't

see all the waves, and you don't know how

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you're going to get past the next wave.

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And, You just think Lord,

why is this happening?

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But now as I look back, I see how he took

us by the hand and led us through that.

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We had a lot of uncertainty.

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We had a lot of financial uncertainty.

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We had a lot of health uncertainty.

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We had a lot of Just fractured

community and the Lord was so

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faithful to lead us through.

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I do believe it's by the grace of

the Lord that he led us through

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in our marriage in our finances.

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And he took care of everything he took

care of every little thing, but when

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you're walking through it, often you

think how am I going to make it through?

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And that's definitely where we

found ourselves during that time.

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Steph: One of my favorite

Psalms is Psalm 18 and it talks

385

about God making us strong.

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It says, I love you, Lord, my strength.

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The Lord is my rock and my fortress

and my deliverer, my God, my rock in

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whom I take refuge, my shield and the

horn of my salvation, my stronghold.

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I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be

praised, and I am saved from my enemies.

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I love the whole chapter, but

in verse 18 and 19, it says,

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but the Lord was my support.

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He brought me into a broad place.

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He rescued me because he delighted in me.

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And then later on, it talks about how God

strengthen us, by my God, I can leap over

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a wall and he trains my hands for war so

that my arms can bend a bow of bronze.

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Your right hand supported me and

your gentleness made me great.

397

I find sometimes when I'm looking back

at trials, at the feels Lord, I had to

398

go through all of those hard things.

399

I had to keep persevering

and very difficult season.

400

But you see how God held you, how his

gentleness makes you great, how he is

401

your rock that enables you to do what

you need to do and to persevere, to

402

keep moving, to put one foot in front

of the other, as you were saying.

403

Emily: Yes.

404

Steph: It's like the footprints in the

sand, ? Why through the hardest times in

405

my life, even though I know that's you so

often, but you really do realize Oh, wow,

406

God, you were carrying me in that time.

407

Emily: It's as if he gives us one puzzle

piece and tells us to hold on to it.

408

And then we're not able to connect

the pieces until he gives us that

409

next puzzle piece and then they click

together and you're like Oh, okay.

410

Maybe there's a full picture here.

411

He gives us the puzzle pieces all

across our life, and it will never be

412

fully done until we leave this place.

413

This side of heaven, but he is so

good to give us just what we need when

414

we're walking through something hard.

415

I'm sure you've been through

times like this Steph that you

416

look back and you think, how did

I even make it through that time?

417

This is one of those times

for me that I think, how Did I

418

even make it through this time?

419

We had more questions than we had answers.

420

And yet we made it through.

421

Stronger in our faith, but who

but the Lord could move a mountain

422

like that for us and then come

out the other side stronger.

423

He's so good in that way.

424

I think as we mature in our Christian

walk and in the years have a way of

425

doing that it brings a closeness to

him and a desire to come alongside

426

other moms and say, listen, I know you

feel like you're carrying the weight

427

of the world and you are right now,

but God has a plan in it and trust his

428

plan and don't give up on that plan.

429

This is where.

430

The Lord gives us the encouragement

to do that in these spaces of the

431

unknown and walking alongside one

another and surrendered to him.

432

He can take what is the scariest or

ugly or most unimportant parts of

433

our lives and make them beautiful,

make them used for his glory.

434

Stephanie: If you are in the middle

of a trial, we hope this testimony of

435

God's faithfulness and courage to you.

436

Key pressing into him.

437

He will bring beauty from those ashes.

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Next week we'll release

part two of this episode.

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I'm like, it's very practical

about how we can support moms

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that are going through this.

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And it will certainly apply

to other trials as well.

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And as promised, I'm going to tell you

a very humbling story from my own life.

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I have a friend in our

homeschool community.

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She's incredibly authentic and I always

feel encouraged when I'm around her.

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Last week.

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She said that we should get

together more this summer.

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And I had to admit to her that I

don't pursue more of a friendship

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with her because I don't feel like

I'm pretty enough to be her friend.

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Her shock.

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And her response confirmed that this

was an absolute lie and she forced me to

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promise that we were going to make more of

an effort to have a consistent friendship.

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I know it sounds ridiculous, but I

think so often we fall into a trap

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of believing that we're too much or

not enough to be someone's friend.

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So we don't pursue them.

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I'm encouraging you to push through.

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It's hard enough to find friendships as

a mom, without us getting in our own way.

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Because as Jesus said, that's how the

world is going to know that we're his.

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By the way that we love each other.

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And if we're isolating ourselves.

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That can't happen.

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We know you're busy, Mama, so

we are truly grateful you joined

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us for this episode of Again.

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If you're looking for more information

about building your home on the

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foundation of Jesus Christ, head to www.

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EntrustedMinistries.

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com to learn more about our study for

moms, Entrusted with a Child's Heart.

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This scripture saturated study

has blessed families around the

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world, and we want it for you, too.

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Before you go, I want to pray

this benediction over you

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from 2 Thessalonians 1, 11 12.

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We're rooting for you.

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To this end, we always pray for you,

that our God may make you worthy of His

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calling, and may fulfill every resolve

for good and every work of faith by

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His power, so that the name of our Lord

Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in

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Him, according to the grace of our God.

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And the Lord Jesus Christ.

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Amen.

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Until we meet again.