Wanting to break free from the prison of childhood trauma and step into a life filled with hope, healing and growth? Discover how D'Angelo Stefani found the power to overcome his past trauma and transform not only himself but also his relationships as a husband and father. Hear how D'Angelo's journey from addiction, crime and prison was left behind as he discovered his true identity and he has since become a book publisher, achieving two of the three goals he set while incarcerated that showcases the incredible power of resilience.

D'Angelo reflects on his challenging childhood marked by parental drug addiction and abuse, his path into heroin addiction and criminal activities, which led to him to responsibility and self forgiveness. He emphasizes the importance of believing in yourself and letting go of the past, as well as the power of personal growth and a positive perspective. If you're grappling with past trauma, searching for tools for healing and growth, then take a listen to D'Angelo's story for the insights he has learned through his journey and hope that our childhood doesn't dictate our future. Let go of the victim mindset, the shame and guilt, see how to redefine who you are and see the brighter future that's before you.

In this episode, you will be able to:

• Uncover the keys to overcoming past trauma and embracing a brighter future.
• Explore the transformative power of self-awareness in personal growth and healing.
• Learn the role of forgiveness in unlocking inner peace and moving forward with strength.
• Discover effective strategies for creating a positive future after facing the challenges of prison.
• Understand the profound impact of supportive relationships on your journey to recovery and growth.

The key moments in this episode are:

00:06:01 - Facing childhood trauma

00:10:43 - The power of self forgiveness

00:14:43 - Believing in Yourself

00:16:31 - Overcoming Adversity and Pursuing Goals

00:24:56 - Healing and Self-Reflection

00:29:14 - The Power of Journaling

00:35:30 - Learning to Be a Healthy Father

Connect with Roman Fischer

Websites

https://www.dangelostefani.com

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/Boston2Tulsa

Connect with Mike Forrester

Podcast Website

https://LivingFearlessTodayPodcast.com

Coaching Website

https://www.hicoachmike.com/

LinkedIn

https://www.linkedin.com/in/hicoachmike/

Youtube

https://www.youtube.com/@hicoachmike

Facebook

https://www.facebook.com/hicoachmike

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/hicoachmike

Well, hello and welcome back, my friend.

This week, I'm being joined by D'Angelo Stefani and D'Angelo has had this

transformation that just goes from one where you want to be the victim.

You have the reasons to be a victim to where he made a decision.

And you can see that time.

You can see that milestone of where he made that decision and said, I'm going

to take this, you know, life, this path into my own hands and be accountable for

where I go, regardless of what happened.

And it doesn't make it right.

It doesn't make it easy.

You know it, but it's one of those that.

You just get to that line in the sand where you're like, no more, I'm done.

I want something different.

I want something better and I want something that's, that's

what I want for my life.

And you're going to see that in D'Angelo's story here and uh,

just really excited to dive in.

D'Angelo, how are you doing today?

My friend?

D'Angelo Stefani: I'm good.

How are you doing?

Doing great.

I appreciate it, buddy.

Thanks for joining me here.

So absolutely.

Well, let me jump off in the first question of asking you, D'Angelo,

what does life look like for you today on the professional side of things?

D'Angelo Stefani: Today, I am a founder and publisher of Haven House Publishing.

We do sort of like my stories, you know, those have overcame obstacles,

challenges in life, and we let them tell their story in hopes it reaches

somebody that really needs to hear it.

Um, you know, life is good right now.

I'm putting books out.

I'm spreading the word of hope and, and not, not dwelling in my past anymore.

So things are good.

Yeah, and that's so powerful is where it's like, you're

able to kind of make that change.

You're not dwelling on the past, but it's like, this is my past.

And um, dude, in our conversation, I mean, it's one of those, it's like, Hey, this

is what went on, but this isn't who I am.

And I love that aspect because that's so powerful and it just

like you've made that change.

It allows us to make that shift and have a different life like you're

talking about that you're living now.

Um, what does it look like right now on the personal side of things?

D'Angelo Stefani: Wow.

Believe it or not.

I'm, I've, uh, I'm married and I have a daughter and two sons and

my wife's a mental health nurse.

She's, um, been my rock.

You know, I've, I've been in other relationships that in my lifestyle in the

past don't last for more than probably, A month, you know, and this is the girl

that I could be honest with about my past, she accepts me, she accepts what happened

and we're all about moving forward and that's what, that's what I've needed

in my entire life is somebody to just kick me in the butt when I get down, you

know, and just say, Hey, you're better than this, let's just keep it moving.

So personally, that's.

That's why I got a great group of friends that are supportive and just life is good.

Like I told you beforehand, I went floating on the river for the first time

and I just couldn't believe I would look around and say, these are my friends.

These are really my friends.

You know, they're not.

Drug addicts.

They're not dis they're all professional working people.

And personally, my life is what I've always wanted it to be.

Yeah.

And you've moved from Boston.

You're now out in Oklahoma.

And, uh, we're kind of talking about the change and the shift

and, um, Yeah, that's, that's a definite culture shift there, man.

D'Angelo Stefani: Oh, the people here are so nice though, I'll tell you that.

And it's, it's, that's who they are.

You know, you know, I haven't heard the F word one time since I've been

here when asking for directions.

So, you know, I'm just like, this is where I need to be.

This is perfect.

Oh, it totally works out.

Well, D'Angelo, let's, let's take a step back and kind of look at things.

Cause there was a time where it was really, really rough.

Um, And it's, it's one of those we can look at, you know, it's, we're not

stuck with who we are, like you have proven that because if we went off of,

you know, the, the belief or the, the excuse that we can set out there, and

I did this myself a hundred times over where it was, you know, I am who I am.

This is all I'm going to be D'Angelo, you.

With where you were and the things that, you know, the, the actions

and decisions you had made, you're like 180 degrees from that, man.

Like, I would never have guessed like that.

What?

No, that must have been like, he did that for a movie or something.

That must have been a role he filled.

Right?

What, what was it?

Like, you know, um, that, that kind of set you up on that path before you

made that, that decision of I'm done.

I want something different.

D'Angelo Stefani: Well, I guess we start when I was five, you know, I just, I

grew up in a home with drug addicts.

My parents would put drugs in my bottle.

So I think I became a drug addict at the age of five, you know, four or five.

And later on in life, that, that switch was flicked on again.

And I just became a full blown heroin addict.

You know, I, I had a part in my life when about 19, 20 to 22, I

actually went to nursing school.

And I got my RN license and I still hadn't dealt with my childhood.

I still kept those excuses in my pocket.

You know, I kept, you know, this is why I do drugs and people would say, Oh, that's

expected knowing where you came from.

You know, you know, you grew up like that.

One, one expects one to become a drug addict.

So I played, I played those cards for a long time.

And, um, I traded in my stethoscope for a needle and started shooting heroin.

Cause that's how I was dealing with my past.

I didn't deal with it head on.

I didn't even try to talk to anybody about it.

I would do the exact opposite.

You know, D'Angelo came from a perfect family, you know, um, his parents were

well off, they did this, they did that, when in reality I was homeless at seven

years old, I was living in unlocked cars.

On the streets by myself and, you know, in and out of juvenile hall, because

it was much better than where I came from, you know, much better than my

father's hands or my stepmother's mouth, you know, anything was better.

So, and I carried that into my adulthood.

I said, you know what, when things get bad, I'm going to pull one of

these cards out and I'm going to do something stupid and they're going to

understand why I do it, but it gets old.

It really does.

What had happened was I moved to Vegas and I met a girl the next day we got married.

And the day after that, we robbed the first of 13 banks.

And it just went on for a month and a half.

And finally the FBI caught up to us and I ended up going to

federal prison for 13 years.

Uh, while I was in federal prison, you know, I, you don't really get a chance to

work on yourself in prison, especially in the maximum security yard where I was at,

because you're too busy trying to survive.

You know, there's no time for reflection.

There's no time for plans for tomorrow.

You're dealing with right here, right now, today.

But when I was able to move to a lower custody.

I actually got a chance to stop and spend a lot of time with myself,

which was always uncomfortable for me.

I hated myself.

I blamed my childhood on myself, but I started thinking, you know what, D'Angelo?

There's, there's gotta be something better.

This is getting so old.

So I was tired of overdosing.

I've died three times.

Um, just.

Tired of relationships that were built around the chaos that we shared, whether

it was drugs or whether it was crime.

And I just said, enough's enough.

You know, there's gotta be a way I cannot be released.

The same person I was coming in.

And the hard part was I didn't even know who I was coming in.

I didn't know.

I thought I was the D'Angelo bank robber.

I didn't, I never got a chance to figure out who I really was, but over time, I

figured it out and I don't have all the answers, but I'm, um, I'm doing good.

I really am.

Yeah.

I think that loss of identity and like having those excuses, those

cards, like you talked about, um, those cards are more of like what we,

we identify with versus more knowing who we are because we get lost.

So much in just that day to day survival, um, as you started kind of

delving into who is D'Angelo, like what were some of the first things

that you figured out and like what was the process of figuring that out?

D'Angelo Stefani: It began with actually being honest not only with myself but

with the counselors that I would see or the therapist and the first thing that

hit me was My childhood was not my fault.

You know, I was just a kid, you know, I didn't ask for that.

I didn't, I dang near didn't want that.

I wanted a normal childhood.

I never, I never got a chance to be a kid.

So sometimes in my adulthood, I would still act like a kid.

Cause there were things that I never got to experience.

I never went to the high school dance, you know, I, I got my GDE 15, you know, I just

being honest with others and letting them know that, you know, I, this

is not what I want anymore was the catalyst for who I am today.

I know for myself and, and some of the guys that I've coached,

like going from that self loathing, that self hatred, that often forgiveness,

you know, we think of forgiveness is like towards other people, right?

The people that have hurt us and wronged us along the way, but there's also some

shame or guilt towards ourself and.

You know, how you're kind of realizing, you know, talking

through the process and realizing, Hey, I didn't have my childhood.

Was there forgiveness that you did towards yourself that helped you

kind of like break free of like the negative feelings towards yourself?

D'Angelo Stefani: Oh, definitely.

Definitely.

Once I begin the process of forgiving myself, I would write down things,

incidents that happened in my childhood.

Um, my parents putting drugs in my bottle.

Check.

Not my fault.

Um, my dad consistently belittling and physically abusing.

Not my fault.

You know, whereas before I carried around a bag full of reasons why my

dad did that, and that's where the self hate comes in, you know, he did

this because I wasn't good enough or because whatever the reason was,

yeah.

And how did, like, how did you see as the forgiveness came about that it then

changed your thinking about yourself to kind of help you move forward?

Did you, was that something you experienced?

D'Angelo Stefani: Yeah, it was, it was, I think it began, began physically.

I would walk with my head a little higher, you know, I wouldn't mind looking

at myself in the mirror and I didn't see the same little boy my dad saw.

You know, now I was seeing somebody that Was weird.

Cause I was, even though I was in prison, I was supposed to be where I was at.

This had to happen and I accepted it and I had two choices, continue

work or grab those excuses and start feeling sorry for myself again.

You know, a big thing in my life was I never knew my mom.

I always, I grew up thinking my stepmom was my mom until

I found my birth certificate.

So I searched high and low for my mom, high and low.

And now I'm at a point where who cares?

She did whatever she thought she had to do.

Just like I've done what I thought I had to do.

I hope she's well, I hope she's okay, but I don't need to hold on to that no more.

And I am doing that.

I've let go a huge part of the way I see myself.

When you look back at, you know, you're getting ready to be

released from prison, where do you see like the biggest transformation and change

was for you versus when you went in and kind of had that victim mindset, right?

That it's not just a physical prison, but it's then you've also got your

own mental and emotional prison.

Like, you're now getting ready to be physically released what had

been released internally for you.

D'Angelo Stefani: I think the biggest thing was I stopped living in the now,

you know, I, I knew that I had to have a plan, not only did I have a plan,

I had to have a backup plan and a backup plan of that and a backup plan

of that because I'm a convicted felon on paper, I'm an armed bank robber,

I have kidnapping charges, I have threatening, I may have a lot on paper.

I look like a really bad person.

So I imagine myself putting that in front of an employer.

You know, heck no, you're not getting a job.

There's no way.

So what's my backup plan to that?

So I started to stop.

I stopped living in the now and I started planning for the future

and I wrote down step by step what I was going to do when I get out.

And if that didn't work, well then I'm going to do this.

Luckily when I got out, I had a job two days later.

I hit the ground running when I got out.

I really did.

And, you know, I've, I've had a lot of setbacks, a lot of obstacles I've had

to, but instead of trying to run through them, I'd stop, you know, can I go over?

Can I go under?

Can I go around?

How do I get across this obstacle?

And it's, it's worked out.

It really has.

I, I'm, I believe in myself now.

Before I got out of, when I was getting ready to get out of

prison, that's one thing I learned too, is have belief in myself.

You know, if I don't believe in myself, who else is going to?

Yeah.

And to be able to look at yourself and.

Even when those times of doubt come about to then recenter and kind of like

Reinsist almost I don't know how else to you know really say it But that's

that's kind of what it feels like because you're like, I don't really feel like

this but you this is who I am now Right

D'Angelo Stefani: exactly.

So when you look back And it's like other guys that were in prison,

um, didn't have like that, that same mindset and not just looking at the here

and now, but like you had the backup plan to the backup plan to the backup plan.

You're looking, you know, longer term.

What do you see?

Um, In their actions of not having that plan, did they kind of repeat the same

pattern or like what happened for them?

D'Angelo Stefani: I've stayed in contact with quite a few guys

because believe it or not, you meet a lot of good people in prison.

And like you said, you just, you're, you make, you're either the product of

your environment within those are your beliefs or you play the cards you're

given, you know, what I see guys had a lot of guys in there that, oh, um,

I can't get out and get a job because I'm a felon and they've returned to

prison because they're still in that mindset that they can't do nothing.

I remember being in prison and I said, you know what, when I get out,

I'm either getting my nursing license back, or I'm working in some, some

form of health care, or I'm going to start my own publishing business.

I've done two out of three.

After being told time and time again, you can't do it.

You're not going to be able to do it.

That's your beliefs.

Those aren't my beliefs.

And that's, and that's not even reality because you don't

know what's going to happen.

So I, you can tell the guys in prison that, well, then you have

the guys in prison that say, Oh, when I get out, I'm going to do

this and this and this and that.

And they shoot so big that when they don't reach that, they go back to where

they were and they return to prison.

Oftentimes it seems like.

Our family and friends can be the ones that are the most critical or doubting

of, you know, what we share of, Hey, this is the direction I'm going.

Was there like something you did different when it came to friends or

family that doubted you or, or were like naysayers so that you're like, Hey,

you believe what you want to believe.

This is what I'm after.

Was there something different that you handled them?

Like uniquely, or was it just the same as somebody off the street?

D'Angelo Stefani: Well, I didn't, honestly, friends and family didn't

exist for me getting out of prison.

I had nobody, nobody, but I always let my actions show while I was in prison.

I was the one at the library.

I was the one ordering all the books needed to, to do what I want to do.

You know, I mean, this is not going to come to you.

You have to work for it.

So the family and friends, I got out of the halfway house.

I had nobody, I had 20 dollars to my name.

I was in, uh, in a state where I knew nobody because in the, in the federal

system, you go back to the, you go back to where you're sentenced out of.

So I'm at the halfway house with nobody.

I don't know anybody, but I still have my beliefs and doubt crept in now and

then, but I, like I said, I hit the ground running and I haven't looked back since

how have you kept making like growth and that forward momentum

kind of getting to that point of, Hey, I'm, I'm, you know, now publishing

books and you know, you're, you said you're hitting two out of the three.

D'Angelo Stefani: Yeah.

How have you stayed on that path?

D'Angelo Stefani: Consistency, consistency in not only my actions, but my beliefs,

you know, I don't let, I try not to let negative negativity enter my life, of

course it's going to happen now and then.

But I, I always try to learn something from people I meet and I, and instead

of just jumping on my emotions, I think that's what it is mostly.

I stopped living by my emotions.

I stopped letting somebody else dictate whether or not I have a good or bad

day or even whether or not I succeed.

You know, because at the end of the day, it's up to me, you know, like you said,

naysayers can say this, they can say that employers can say no, but you know

what, if I keep going and keep and not give up, somebody is going to say yes.

Yeah, that perseverance and resiliency can be your best friends.

D'Angelo Stefani: There is, there is nothing, and I promise you this

Mike, there is nothing that I could go through today that is any worse

than what I went through as a kid.

Nothing.

I survived that.

I could survive anything.

Do you see it almost as like, what you've experienced kind of

gave you a special ability, I don't know, a strength to now be able to Persevere

and keep going when others would, would quit or say, Hey, I've had enough.

I mean, do you, do you see that that kind of, now that your perspective has

changed and you're, you're on a positive aspect, has that kind of been that fuel?

D'Angelo Stefani: Definitely.

I mean, I remember as a kid going through something and I would say, that's enough.

I can't take any more, but yet it would progress.

And so.

I would be, I can't take anymore now and it would go further.

And so now as an adult, you know, everything is just so small, you

know, whether it's before somebody cut me off in traffic, Oh, it's, it's,

we're going to have problems now.

Now I don't care.

I get, I have, I don't care attitude, but it's positive.

I don't care.

It's not, I don't care what happens to me.

It's, I don't care about the little things because I'm focused

and I made a promise to myself.

I will never go back to prison.

There's no way.

I'm like, I, I was rehabbed when they put the handcuffs on me.

They didn't even have to send me to prison.

I, I learned my lesson.

I'm good.

So I just, I don't know.

I'm happy today.

You know, it's, I can't explain it.

I just, I'm happy.

Yeah, it's one of those of your, your perspective

and gratitude is there, whereas before it was like those excuses are

almost like so readily available.

It's, it's like, why practice gratitude when I've got this, you know, this

ace up my sleeve, so to speak.

You talked about your identity, you know, being something that was

coming about and being uncovered.

And then you've also talked about awareness of like things around you,

um, you know, your thought patterns, uh, what's going on, where you want to go.

How did you like really begin to practice that?

And focus on, Hey, I'm aware of what's going on, how I'm thinking, where I want

to get so that your, um, perseverance and that resiliency that you've got, you

know, you're able to utilize it to the, to the, you know, the best that you can.

D'Angelo Stefani: Right.

Well, I, I, I think that I, I would always keep my past in the rear view

mirror, but there, so I can see it.

So when I would encounter a situation, I knew it was down the other road.

Like I, I kept that first and forefront.

I knew by making this choice, that's the way I was going to go.

Stopping and thinking and weighing my options.

Um, not living by my emotions was stuff I had never practiced.

I never even heard of that stuff.

Like that was like a foreign language.

Wait, stop and think, what are you talking about?

You know, I'm doing this and I'm doing it to the fullest.

Now I still do that, but I go the other way.

You know, I, I, even if it doesn't work, I'll tell you what, it's

not going to be as bad as if I go down that road, you know, so.

That's that's that's what I do.

I, I, I stop and think

cool.

Yeah, reacting and just kind of that knee jerk is kind of what

got us into so many messes.

D'Angelo Stefani: The worst I would, I mean, back to my drug days, I would

be driving down the street and I would see a bank and I just stop and rob it.

You know, there's no thinking about nothing.

There's nothing, there's nothing to think about.

I'm, that's just what I'm going to do.

And I don't care what happens now.

I do care.

You know, I do care what happens.

Yeah.

It's a big difference.

And just the way you look at things and process, man, it's

D'Angelo Stefani: life looks so different for today.

So yeah,

a hundred percent.

Um, what do you see that were like two to three things that whether it was, um,

mentoring or books or You know, different resources, like what helped you to

change your perspective to really grow?

Because you and I didn't grow up with like, Hey, this is how

you have a good perspective.

This is how you, you know, gain awareness and, you know, figure out your identity.

How did you go about that?

Like what were some things that, that, uh, you know, gave you the insight and

the knowledge that, that you lacked?

D'Angelo Stefani: I think first and foremost would be talking to somebody.

Opening up, you know, sharing your story, you know, there's, it's, the

world comes off your shoulders when you tell your story, it really does.

You might not, you might not believe it.

Some people might not, but it does.

Um, just being honest with yourself too.

That's most important.

I, if you're not honest with yourself.

Change is not possible, you know, changes.

And, and another thing, letting go of the past, like all the excuses

we carried around, yeah, you may be justified in some areas, but there

comes a time where you have to grow up.

It really does.

And growing up looks different for everybody, you know, but

for me, growing up was taking responsibility for what I did.

Not because of what my dad did, you know, not because of what my

mom did, but because of what I did.

I put myself in prison.

I didn't, nobody else put myself in prison just because my, my ex wife testified.

She didn't put me in prison.

I put myself in prison.

And that is huge because then you can start the process of change.

You know, you can see why you're doing the things you're doing

and then just work on that.

How did you let go of the past?

I know like for myself and, and other guys I've talked to, it almost

validates our negative actions.

So, um, how did you let go of the past and what did that look like for you?

D'Angelo Stefani: Um, it looked like sitting in solitary confinement

with a little lotto pencil and a piece of paper and writing.

That's, that's what did it for me, writing out everything I can remember

about my life, my childhood, and, and going line by line and just reliving

them experiences and yeah, there are tears, there's anger, there was a bunch

of stuff, but it was healing for me.

You know, because that's when I realized

I didn't do anything wrong for me.

The biggest thing in my life was guilt, you know, um, I don't care if I get killed

during a robbery because I'm nothing.

Anyways, my dad's told me in a million times.

So it must be true, you know, so writing and just learning self love.

Was, was big for me and forgetting my dad, you know, I mean, I, my dad passed away.

I mean, I haven't spoken to my dad since I was 13.

He passed away four years ago and I never got the chance to tell him, you

know, I've written letter after letter to him, but he doesn't, he never got

them, but just knowing that I can live in a, in my beliefs, I'm sure he

can see what's going on in my life.

So it's kind of like a double whammy.

Yeah.

I'm doing good.

And oh, by the way, dad, you didn't ruin me.

You know, so,

so you talked about, um, you know, like the guilt being

there and guilt can be almost like this treble hook that just gets stuck in us.

And it's hard to dislodge.

Yeah.

How did you work through that and release that so that it's not, you know, just, you

know, You know, part of you stuck to you, just clinging to you everywhere you go.

And, uh, you know, just every action you take.

D'Angelo Stefani: Well, I, I still live with a lot of

guilt, to be honest with you.

I didn't wake up one day and all the sorrow and guilt was gone completely.

No, I, certain areas of my life.

Yeah, it's gone, but I still have guilt.

I mean, I left my sisters in that household.

I still carry some of that around with me.

You know, they had to grow up when I ran away.

Right.

You know, I think you, you figure out why you're, why you're feeling guilty

about a situation and you break it down and you, at the end of the, at the

end of the day, you have to either a forgive yourself and realize it's not

your fault, or if it is your fault, make amends with that person if you can.

And if you can't.

Keep it moving, you know,

so you've talked a number of times here about writing

things down So it sounds like journaling is a big thing for you.

Is that correct?

D'Angelo Stefani: Huge.

Gigantic I carry a notebook everywhere I go

Okay, that was what I was gonna ask you is like, how do you

make sure to capture your thoughts?

I know you've talked in other Interviews that like you've got a really good memory.

Uh, yeah.

And so, you know, it's like, but you're carrying a notebook, writing things down.

And then once you've written it down, what do you, what do you do with it?

D'Angelo Stefani: I go back and I tear it up.

If it's, uh, an anger issue, I'll write.

The word anger and why I'm angry at that moment.

And then I do this thing I learned in my psychologist called a camera check.

And I'll go back and I'll say, if a camera was watching the situation right now,

do I really have a reason to be angry?

And I'll replay it through somebody else's eyes.

And nine times out of 10, I'm like, that was dumb.

There's no reason for me to be angry.

You know, there's no, it just stuff happens.

So I do.

I do that a lot.

I really do.

So just so I'm sure I'm understanding the process.

So you're putting yourself in the position of like a camera as if

this is like a movie being filmed to see like what emotional triggers

there would be if you weren't you.

Is that correct?

D'Angelo Stefani: Exactly.

Like if a, if a lady cuts me off in line.

I'll go back and I'll look at it through the third person's view,

you know, and then I'll stop and think maybe she's in a hurry.

Maybe she has a relative that's sick.

Maybe she really has to get somewhere that she needs to be.

So it goes from her cutting me in line to just her being in

a hurry and it is what it is.

Whereas before, Oh no, no, you're not cutting me in line.

It's not going to happen.

And that, that way of thinking leads to a whole nother sort of issues.

Whereas you just, yeah, she's in a hurry.

I changed a lot of.

Of my, my, my wording during my day, like instead of saying I'm angry, I don't say,

I don't even use the word anger anymore.

I just use, you know, upset and why are you upset?

Well, this and this happened.

Well, if you look at this and this, you can see, you really

don't have a reason to be upset.

But if you do, if you are upset, it's okay.

It's okay to be upset.

It's what you do with that is the most important thing

is that something that you've also used when you look back

at those, um, like childhood wounds and, and like the things that your

dad did and other people did to you.

Is that something that works there as well?

Or is it something that you've You just use like now going forward kind of thing.

D'Angelo Stefani: I've tried to go back in in some instances.

It does work Okay, but in most instances, there's no reason

why it should have happened.

There's no justification for certain things You know, um If I was a dude

that my so called camera check on something my father did, I'll tell

you what, I'd never be in the wrong.

And I had every reason to react the way I did.

So sometimes it works.

Sometimes it doesn't.

I get it.

Um, and as far as forgiveness, like you talked about, you know, forgiving

your dad, the way I looked at it with my parents was that I forgave them.

What they did wasn't right, but it was up to me how I handled it.

Is that kind of the way you see forgiveness or is, or is that a

different perspective that you have on what it means with your dad?

D'Angelo Stefani: I think for my dad, it's, I went from being angry and sad

and thinking how just one I love you could have cleaned up so much mess

to maybe he didn't know any better.

Not feeling sorry for him, but maybe that's how he was raised.

You know, I don't know how he was raised.

That's maybe that's all he knew, you know, and that's how I deal with it

because I don't have any other way.

I can't say, um, it's okay.

What you did dad, you know, it's not okay.

It's far from okay.

But if that's all you knew, I can't blame you.

I can't,

I know from my perspective, looking at my dad, you talked

about him saying, you know, Hey, I love you very much on the same plane here.

But it was one of those of.

The way I looked at it was he wasn't equipped and in a place

to be able to give what I wanted.

And so it was just like he did his best, didn't excuse it.

But what would I want, um, you know, from like my children?

Because I know that there were times.

A lot of times that I failed them and, and repeated the pattern that I had received.

Right.

And it's like, how would I want my children to treat me?

And then it was, it was challenge was, okay, now I get to turn around and extend

that, that forgiveness to my dad, which is what I would want my children to give me.

D'Angelo Stefani: Right.

It's often harder to give what we want.

Then, uh, you know, yeah, it's just, it can be a challenging task.

D'Angelo Stefani: It's tough.

You talked about, um, your father giving you things.

I, in my book, I wrote a line that's always stuck with me.

It's, um, My dad failed to give me the things that I needed in life.

So there's no wonder why I grew up to become a thief.

And it just, I was filling holes, taking things, stealing to fill

holes that I had in my life.

So I definitely know what you're talking about.

Yeah.

You talked about having children as well.

Yeah.

Um, Neither you nor I were equipped to be You know a healthy dad How did you

discover what a healthy dad looked like?

um, you know in raising your children,

D'Angelo Stefani: it's um, It was tough the beginning I would catch myself all

the time Reenacting my childhood not so much on that level, but just my words,

you know where When they would come to me and really need my advice, I'd just

be like, go away, I'm doing something.

And then I stopped that, I stopped doing that.

And now, I don't care what I'm doing, if they need me, I'm there.

And if it's frivolous, which it usually is, buying them a Minecraft

game or a skin off, Something or another, I've bought millions of those.

I don't even know what they are, but I'm there for them.

So it just, I I'm learning.

I kind of see, I kind of, I learned by their reactions, by the things I say

in their face, you know, I can, I can tell if, if they're looking like I was

when I was a kid, I'm doing it wrong.

I really am, but don't get it wrong.

I'll put my foot down quick.

You know, you're not getting away with stuff.

You know, you're not growing up the same way I did.

There's no way.

There's a way to create boundaries for our children

and yet love them in the midst of it.

Uh, is what I hear, hear from you.

D'Angelo Stefani: Yes.

So yeah.

Uh, man, D'Angelo, I'm just blown away by the difference from where

things started out and just the transformation both in who you are and.

You know, how you're now changing the family dynamics, you know,

you're not, you're not passing along what you and I inherited.

You're, you're changing that.

Right.

And, and being as healthy and loving and yet, um, still

protective, you know, you're still being that, that loving father.

Um, and there's two sides of it.

So man, hats off to you.

Um, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, dude, it's, it's not easy.

D'Angelo Stefani: You know, what's funny real quick is that you and I growing

up, how we did, we can spot, we can spot BS a mile away, especially in our kids.

Like we can see it coming.

Could be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

That might've worked.

No, that doesn't work today.

Yeah.

I think I, I love being a dad.

I do.

My kids are awesome.

They think they're so slick, but I'll tell you what, and they're done

that and they're just, they're great.

So my kids are great.

Yeah.

What's what's the one thing that has surprised you

that you enjoy the most out of being a dad that you just didn't

See that before you became a dad.

D'Angelo Stefani: I think why well My one of my sons is 18 ones is 6 and

I'm my daughter she's grown, but um my six year old he what I enjoy the most

out of this little kid is Watching him learn or watching his wheels turn in

his head You When you, when you try to, when you give him advice, him trying

to figure out how does this apply to me playing Minecraft or, you know,

just, just the little things, you know, in, you know, the hugs, good night.

And I never had that growing up, you know, the, I love you all the time.

The random, you're a great dad, you know, stuff like that.

I just, I love it.

Yeah, I can appreciate that, man.

Well, D'Angelo.

Thank you so much for sharing your story today, man, and, and giving hope because

it's like, and when we're in the midst of it, it can seem so overwhelming and like,

You know, we do have a sentence, right?

That we're stuck there and this is just who I am and the lot that I've been given.

But, uh, dude, the change that you've gone through is the hope that we need.

And I still appreciate you sharing that as well.

Um, how can guys reach out and connect with you outside of this podcast?

D'Angelo Stefani: Um, I mean, I'm on Facebook, D'Angelo Stefani.

I have email it's D and then my last name is Stefani, 1976,

Gmail (dstefani1976@gmail.com).

You know, I'm, anybody needs to talk.

Anybody wants some advice?

You know, I have a little bit that might work.

I know I have a lot that probably won't work, so don't take my word for it.

But, um, I'm, I'm excited to hear from people.

I really am.

I, I want that.

I mean, that's, that's why I went through the stuff I went through.

So today I can share my story, you know, there's nothing in my life.

I will change nothing.

I'm, I'm happy.

And that's all I've ever wanted.

That's a huge statement, man.

I appreciate it.

Well, D'Angelo, thank you again, my friend.

I'm grateful to, uh, to have you here.

D'Angelo Stefani: No problem, Mike.

You're awesome, man.

Keep up the good work.

Thank you, brother.

D'Angelo Stefani: All right, buddy.