S2EP54-Drew Deraney-How to Not Just Survive, But Thrive as a Caregiver

Artwork for podcast Bringing Education Home

Episode 54 • 26th December 2025 • Bringing Education Home • Kristina & Herb Heagh-Avritt

I now have the pleasure of introducing Drew Deraney. Did I say it right? That's how I did. Drew is a coach, author, and advocate dedicated to empowering caregivers and families of individuals with autism.

As the caregiver and family health coach, he helps parents and caregivers find balance, build resilience, and care for themselves as compassionately as they care for their loved ones.

And Drew is the proud father of three children, including a son with autism, which inspires his mission to provide guidance, education, and community support. Through coaching, speaking, and his podcast, From Caving in to Crushing It, Drew encourages others to live authentically.

Rise with strength, strength, and lead with purpose. Drew, it is a pleasure to have you here today. I'm really looking forward to this conversation.

Drew Deraney: 00:01:09

Thank you. I'm looking forward to it, too. Herb and Christina, good to see you guys.

Kristina: 00:01:14

It is so amazing when we find someone who is kind of down the same line as we are. Right. So even though Vibram Family Education is all about education, we've gone through the challenges of parents with autistic children.

We have a son of our own who is older grown, but he is still with us. And the reason he's still with us is because he's more comfortable here.

You know, every once in a while, we try to kind of push him out of the nest, but we always keep him active in social things and things like that. But he's comfortable here and, you know, living through some of the challenges we did raising him, we understand that.

And so we want to give him the best life possible, as well as supporting him as much as possible.

So that's why it's important to have someone like you, Drew, come on and tell us maybe how we can maybe push him a little bit more, help him a little bit more, but more than that, helping our families who are listening really understand the things that are really beneficial, that really helps, and that really can, you know, make a difference in a child's life, because that's what we're all about. So thank you for being here and being willing to help us do that.

Drew Deraney: 00:02:14

You're welcome. It's my pleasure.

Kristina: 00:02:16

Awesome.

Let's begin with that pivotal point, because you said, you know, in your bio you have your own son and you really wanted to help share with families, but why the podcast that you have? Why the coaching that you have?

Because you could have just shared quietly with neighbors and friends and family, but why the bigger scope of your journey?

Drew Deraney: 00:02:36

No, it's. It's a good question. And, yeah, I used to work in the Hospital healthcare field for 24 years and I was comfortable there.

I didn't tell anybody really at work that you know, I had a child with autism. I really didn't even think about him. His diagnosis didn't for me label him as somebody with autism.

I still, we still let him do all the stuff that he would have wanted to do if he was atypical, if he was typical, you know, neurotypical. So the reason I left healthcare wasn't by choice even though I think I was pushed in that direction by a higher power.

by saying that, you know, I.: 2015

in nine months came. April of: 2018

Divorced. October of: 2018

Had to bring him into a residential home. And 17 days after we brought him to that home, my dad unexpectedly got sick and passed away three weeks later. So four faith shaking moments.

Nine months I was caving in, caving in basically because my self identity was based on my marriage and my profession and I lost both in a six month period. So because I was relying on external circumstances for my, my life's purpose, obviously I didn't have control over those full, full control.

So I was ready to pack it in and then especially then happens to my son and my dad. You talk about victim mentality.

I blame the wife for the divorce, I blame the boss for the firing, I blame myself for my son, I blame God for, for my, my dad. And the only way for me to get through the caving in stage, I wanted to get to at least be able to cope with it, right the coping stage.

And I knew that the bridge there was what's my purpose? Why am I here? What's my why?

And even though I believe right now and have for a while that the answers come from within, I knew the right answer wasn't going to come from within at that time.

So I had to look outside in my kids eyes and my mother's eyes and say I'm going to live for them, I'm going to bust my butt to help get them get through this and we'll see what happens on the other side. Well, I got them through although I Did it in a way that men are supposed to do it, right?

We're told to suck it up, man up, shun your support systems. Don't show emotion. Just get it done. Just do it. So I did got them through it, okay. And I was an empty, empty on the other side.

And then I really had to dig deep and find out what my, what my true purpose in life is. And so I went through that long, that coping stage and I started. I realized I always wanted to write a book. Now I never had content. Now I did.

And then Covid hit and I was like, perfect timing. I got nothing to do. Let me write a book.

Herb: 00:05:52

So.

Drew Deraney: 00:05:52

So I thankfully found an editor out in Arizona. Believe it or not, now that we knew about Zoom, I would basically talked my story on Zoom, like we're doing now.

And she had had it recorded for the video purposes for me to look back at it and also then had it transcribed on the back end by AI so I could see my actual words that I technically wrote because I said them.

And I think it was very powerful that I decided to write the book that way because when I started telling my story to anybody who would listen, I heard it and I started to heal myself from within. And that was my epiphany. That's when I realized that, wait a second, I can actually cry, share my story and ask for help and heal.

And then I realized men aren't supposed to do that. No wonder we're 50% of the population, 80% of the suicides. No wonder we. The lifespan for a man and woman is about six to seven year gap.

You know, we're choosing to listen to society and act as men who are one dimensional and we're killing ourselves. We're dying younger than we need to. Let's, let's not suppress these emotions. Let's get them out and let's. Let's redefine what it means to man up.

And so that's really where from caving into crushing. It came from the pod, the name of the podcast. But that was me. It's about me.

And my editor wanted me to close the book by saying I was, I was crushing it. I hit that, you know, Abraham Maslow hierarchy of needs, you know, all the way up to the top, self actualization. I said, no, I'm not there yet.

I'm still in the freaking coping stage, trying to get to the caving and, you know, the crushing it stage. I want to take my readers with me on this journey.

And as a coach, all I have to do is be two steps ahead of my clients so I can help them on that journey. And so that's where that came from. And you know, and I thought that was going to be the end of my adversity. Right.

Well, the second part to the question is my son, 23 years old, he went through, he's high functioning, as they call it, level one Asperger's, whatever the terms they're using now. But basically cognitively, through the roof, on paper, 23, he's like 26. Cognitively, he's brilliant.

It's his social skills and emotion regulation that are probably about, I'd say eight years behind. Seven years, let's say he's about 16 or 15. Social skills and emotion management.

So figure being so brilliant, logical beyond belief, and then something derails your nervous system and you can't control it, what that does to you. So he had a very, very rough patch last year for about seven. And I stopped working completely.

I was coaching men at the time for self awareness, but I stopped and I was his caregiver and I burned out. And I know what all the signs are and I didn't pick up on him and I was depressed. I had thought about what, what it would be like not to be around.

I gained weight. I kind of gave up on all the, all the, all the facets of life that I needed to improve, to be better for him.

So when I came out of it and he's a lot better now, and I'm now pivoting my business to still coaching men. But we're half the population. I'm coaching women too, who are caregivers both. And we don't take care of ourselves.

So I coach caregivers on how to self care as compassionately as they do for their loved ones. Because we gotta come first if we want our kids to, or anybody we're taking care of to thrive. So long answer, short question. There you go.

Kristina: 00:09:36

No, that, no, that's perfect context, big smile here.

Herb: 00:09:40

Why am I big smiling? Because except for the, the marriage falling apart, you pretty much described my last 10 or 15 years, so.

And that's one of the most amazing things when you get into coaching is you actually find all of these people who are living your life and who are having your exact same problems. And one of the parts of healing is, is realizing that you're not alone, that there are other people and that you can share their story, your story.

Because it's like, because I had like four or five big hits right in a row. One of them Was. Was brain damage, a traumatic brain injury. I lost my dad a whole. You know, my son stopped talking. Was. I can't see my granddaughter.

The internal betrayal, the. So instead of your wife, it was my son. So all the family drama, the death of my father, like, you just lined up my life. And with.

With a different set of stories.

Drew Deraney: 00:10:40

Absolutely.

Herb: 00:10:41

So my stories are different, but it's like the impact.

Drew Deraney: 00:10:46

The impact is similar. Right, because trauma is all relative. Right.

Herb: 00:10:51

The only difference is the details.

Drew Deraney: 00:10:52

Yeah, the details.

And, you know, it's interesting, when you guys come on to my podcast, we'll dive into the difference between the marriages, because there's something that my now ex wife and I didn't have that you guys must have, that intestinal fortitude, the resilience, the self, the respect for each other. Something's there. And so we got to find out that.

Because that's the thing I want to do is try to reduce the divorce rate in this country and also the male suicide rate. And I'm telling you, by. By enhancing communication will improve relationships.

And we need strong men with strong women so we can raise strong children and have a stronger community. So we're going to have a good conversation when we talk.

Kristina: 00:11:35

We look forward to that as well. So today, though, when we're focusing on caregivers, I know one of the hardest things when we were raising our son was that we were both super busy.

He was an intel person working long hours. I was a teacher, giving a lot into my classroom.

And so when we got home, lots of times we were a little thin for our own kids, which I now completely regret. And that's why part of this podcast is here, too, to help families just really realize that the jobs go away, but your family is there.

So let's make sure they're a priority.

Herb: 00:12:08

And that's an inside the box kind of way to kind of start asking that question. The outside of the box is I had a lot of trauma in my life. And when my child was going through some of the stuff he did, it triggered me.

And I wasn't enough of me. I was. I was all held in.

I was so used to holding all of that in, that when I saw my son go through some of that stuff, I couldn't stand up because I might. I. I didn't trust myself and I didn't know what to do because nobody ever helped me. And I. So how.

Kristina: 00:12:46

How do we get that?

Herb: 00:12:47

There was a lot of times where the work was almost an excuse because I didn't know how to relate and sometimes the pain he was in caused me so much pain it shut me down.

Drew Deraney: 00:12:59

Yeah, well, it's interesting you said because I, I, I see avoidance. I did a lot of avoidance. I did long hours at the hospital too, not realizing it was avoidance.

And it's, it was kind of funny because during the marriage I was the, the father who if, if child A wanted take out from this one place and child B wanted to take out from a second different place and child B, child C would want to take out from a third place. I did, I went to three places. Now was I an enabling parent? Was I weak?

Did I, I mean I could have stood my ground and say we're having one meal and I'm only going to one place. Thinking about it now and I didn't see it then.

It was an escape for me to be out for, let's say an extra 50 minutes because I was doing it for the kids. That's the wrote a gesture Dad. I think part of it was avoiding the situation because it was a lot easier to avoid it than to face it.

So I think there are a lot of similarities in doing that. Whether it's going to work and working 15 hours because you can easily tell the wife, oh, my boss is running me ragged.

You know, you don't take accountability for it. Right.

So yeah, I think that, that the avoidance and avoidance is a type of communication and people could say there's always, you're always communicating. It could just be effective communication or ineffective communication.

Herb: 00:14:37

In our generation, the way we learn to take responsibility. Yeah, you stop talking about it, you buck up, you get it done. If it hurts, it might take a little longer.

If you run into problems, you figure it out and you do it by yourself because it's like you ask for help and everybody else is doing the same thing for themselves. So it's like we didn't know how to ask for help.

And as a 55 year old man, I still still have trouble asking for help because it's just so much easier to do it by myself because if I ask and somebody doesn't help, what does that mean for me?

Drew Deraney: 00:15:11

And that means, let me run this by you. I'm 57, you're 55. So let's think of generations, my parents, generation. My dad has since passed away. He would have been 87 now.

My mom's still alive, she's 88. When I was growing up, that generation wanted us to keep our, our family stuff stayed within the home.

Kristina: 00:15:33

Yes.

Drew Deraney: 00:15:33

Right. Don't air your dirty laundry. Don't let anybody know. So every home was perfect, perfect life. So.

So now you were taught in that generation, we were taught not to ask for help outside of the family. Hell, there were times don't even tell your cousins. Don't tell anybody. It was only in this house. So that puts limits. Right.

We were taught to put self limitation. So how does that help us?

Herb: 00:16:00

All did the same thing. It's like it was all solved within the family. They didn't bring in outside sources and.

Drew Deraney: 00:16:06

Right.

Herb: 00:16:07

They kept it secret. And so even our television shows were the same. Were teaching us the same thing.

Drew Deraney: 00:16:13

They were.

And so I believe our generation, you guys and me, we're the generation that's going to get people to start talking, because we had a generation of talking. Only if you're spoken to. Don't volunteer any information. Keep it, keep it between us to.

Herb: 00:16:31

Be seen and not heard.

Drew Deraney: 00:16:32

Yeah. So I think we're, we're the mold breakers now and hopefully. But you don't want to go too far the other way. So we got to find that balance of.

Just similar to, like, men and women both have feminine and masculine energy. Right. And you don't want to go too far one way and too far the other way.

There's a balance where it's appropriate to have empathy and it's appropriate to have strength. And hell, sometimes you can have strength with empathy.

Kristina: 00:16:59

Exactly. And there are, you know, we believe that there are definitely, you know, roles for the lady and for the guy. Right.

But at the same time, we have to be able to weave back and forth. I mean, you're talking about our marriage, and that's part of it.

Because we, we know when each of us needs to kind of step forward and take on a little bit more or step back a little bit more.

Drew Deraney: 00:17:17

Yeah. I was talking to somebody and I forget they, they talked about the, well, the, it was like the 100% rule. But they would check in with each other.

And so if you're both at a hundred percent, oh, my God, it's going to be a great time at home. But they would check in and say, where are you? Oh, I'm at a 70 today. And she would be like, honey, I'm at a 30.

And he would know that that day he'd need to pick up the slack. And they would do that each day.

And it really worked because they, they, they, they had the expectations, they shared where they were, and they adapted to the situation. And I think that was great. And I, that's something I would have loved to have known.

You Know, during my marriage, because perhaps it just made things a lot easier. I don't think it would change.

Herb: 00:18:03

Jordan Peterson's putting a lot of videos out with his wife right now. Tammy Peterson, or has about. About this specifically.

And working with other couples to basically set up these communication standards to help people work through marriages. We got lucky.

Kristina: 00:18:19

Yeah, we got lucky.

Herb: 00:18:20

We got lucky because. Yeah, so.

Kristina: 00:18:24

So.

Herb: 00:18:25

But. But beyond getting lucky, there's also a lot of work that we put into this, I'm sure.

Drew Deraney: 00:18:29

Absolutely.

Kristina: 00:18:30

So then my question is get. Translate this into caregiver mode. How can we get our caregivers to talk to the people who support them or even the person they're caring for?

How can we translate this into a way that we can communicate about and not burn out, etc.

Drew Deraney: 00:18:47

That's a good question. I actually had a client who asked me that specific question because she was dying to have a week off, and she cared for her elderly mother.

Her mother was. Is 84, and she is a only child, and father passed away, and she's a single mother. So how does she do that? And I said, you know what?

Sometimes you have to scale it back. We're gonna. The goal is to get you that week off. But the reason she couldn't take the week off is the assisted living facility that she was gonna do.

It was Gonna cost her $7,000 in one week. We're in New Jersey, New York area. It's ridiculous. So she didn't do it because she didn't have. She had the money but wasn't gonna spend it.

She need to stretch it, right? So I said, you know what? Let's scale it back. And our goal, the end result is gonna be a week off. But let's start with five minutes off.

Are you able to get five minutes off? And she's like, no. Every time I try to do something this ha. I said, let's. So I created what I call the five minute reset.

And all it is, is I recorded myself. I just hit play, I record on zoom. And I created this five minute reset where I would set the tone, figure that, pretend you're, like, at work, right?

And you're high performing, you're doing great, you're confident. And then you get in the car, you.

You're driving home, you get in the driveway, you get out of the car, you reach for the front door knob, and you start to shake. Your hand starts to shake. Because that confidence is waning. Because the individual, the invisible second job is behind that door.

It's either the wife or the husband that you're button heads with on the way, you're parenting the special needs kid or you got an 80 some odd year old elderly parent in there or a spouse who had surgery in your career and you're scared because you're not as confident in that role as you were in the previous role. What are you going to do? So I created this five minute recess.

You can go back in your car, sit in the driveway, press play and you can just be with, give yourself five minutes of just being with yourself. Stretch, you know, move, move a little, breathe a little, little mindset, little shift in thought. Instead of saying, what if this bad thing happens?

Say this, if this good thing happens, I'm going to be a lot stronger. And so it's just a matter of five, give yourself five minutes to refresh. And that's really what it's about.

day and we only remember like: 1400

And so when we are conscious of our thoughts, we better start doing some really good habits for ourselves and practice and create, create better habits. So those becoming our subconscious thoughts.

So carve out five minutes on purpose intentionally and, and if you know, like I said about that 100%, if you know your spouse is at 30% that day and you're at 70%, then give him, or give her five minutes to go reset while you're doing something else.

I think that's, that's a good starting point because every time we take that deep breath, we automatically feel better because of the oxygen to the brain and most of us don't know how to breathe. Right. You ever been so stretched, you don't.

Herb: 00:22:03

Even realize so much of what we do here? Because yes, we're talking about education and really we're talking about bringing kids home and homeschooling.

Because it's like, especially with entrepreneurs, because entrepreneurs take, you know, they're doing all of this stuff because they realize that society is actually kind of broken and they're trying to fix it in their own way to get financial freedom for their family.

But then they lose their family along the way and they spend all of this time doing all of this to 10 years later, look, I just wasted all of this time with my family, so pull your kids out of school if you're going to start it. Is it going to be harder? Yes. At the end of the time, is it going to be worth it? Yes. So, and in that it's like not only that. But it's like breathe.

Start paying attention. Start learning. Start learning that you are a body and all of that other stuff. You're going to go through jobs, through your whole life.

Your kids are going to be the same. You know, you're going to. Might have different relationships, different friends, but those are your kids. And it.

And as we're doing this, we're also teaching them humanity. It's like there is this breathing, there is diet, there is exercise. You are this meat suit.

And if you take care of this meat suit and the relationships around you, then all of that other stuff, while it is important to be able to exist within that society, isn't what your life is about anymore.

Drew Deraney: 00:23:33

No, that's a very good point.

Herb: 00:23:34

There is what your life is about then. Yeah. And so we're so teaching children how to breathe right now. It's like you had to learn it at 55. How hard was it when you first did it?

It's like, oh my God, this is great, but how easy is it to continue doing it every day?

Drew Deraney: 00:23:50

I know. And the thing is the, the deep breath is so important. You can do it, do it at home, you know, I mean, you empty out your lungs.

That's why at hospitals when they, there's a thing called an incentive spirometer where they have you breathe, breathe in to see what, what percentage. Right. And they do that big.

To avoid infection because if you leave that stuff in your lungs, you're gonna get, you're gonna get sicker and get an infection. So. But we need to breathe like that all the time. Like the deep breath in the nose and out the mouth, and we don't do it.

We take these short breaths that don't give us enough oxygen. But speaking about homeschooling, I, I would have loved to homeschool my kids. Now you're talking years ago.

I never, I didn't know we were allowed to like. Allowed to. Right. Because. Because we're. It's indoctrinated that, that linear path I told you, told you about that. You're supposed to do this.

Then you go to middle school, middle school and elementary school, whatever. Middle school, high school. Go, go. And you need to learn this and this and this and this and this.

Well, half the stuff that's being taught in schools now, I don't want my kids to know.

Herb: 00:24:55

Yeah.

Drew Deraney: 00:24:55

Probably until they're, until they're at the. Well, you know what? No, maybe I want them to know it. But at the age that they appropriate for them.

Just because kids are X age doesn't mean then this is okay. Because everybody learns at a different level, a different speed, a different style, a different way.

Herb: 00:25:17

Especially with your autistic.

Drew Deraney: 00:25:19

Autistic, definitely. Absolutely. I mean, do they need to know certain things? If they can't grasp the typical stuff, you really want to give them too much.

That's going to crush the foundation. Right. You have to have a strong foundation before you put heavy stuff on top of it.

Herb: 00:25:34

And most autistic kids have a couple of focuses that they really enjoy focusing on. My. My kid really liked building things.

Drew Deraney: 00:25:43

Yeah.

Herb: 00:25:43

So if you could have tailored the education at home around building things, and it's like, oh, you want to build that? Hey, here's some books around building things like that. Oh, hey, here's some other experiments around building. So then you.

They start pulling in the education instead of having them sit in a desk and pushing them through stuff that they don't want to learn in a way that doesn't stimulate them.

Drew Deraney: 00:26:03

Right. I mean, I think that the great thing about the homeschooling piece is who knows your kid better than you? You do.

And you can teach to their strengths and then work on their weaknesses to help them develop it to be stronger. But in the schools, they just want to, you know, take these weaknesses and say, no, no, make this a strength. Right. Now, I remember my son. He.

He was so misunderstood as a kid because what I. I call his autism was an. I say that was. He had the invisible kind. Because you. If you talk to him, you wouldn't. You wouldn't know.

You know, you would just think he had a lot of energy. And I remember in preschool, they. They taught them how to sharpen pencils. Right. With the mechanical sharpener.

And so I remember getting a call that I had to come pick up my son because they wanted him out. Out of the school that for that day, because they could all he was causing trouble.

Well, what happened was they said he loved helping, so they gave him the pencils that need to be sharpened. And across the room was the pencil sharpener on the wall. And they said, matthew, go over there and sharpen the pencils, please.

So what's the best way? Straight path is the quickest way, right?

Kristina: 00:27:15

Yep.

Drew Deraney: 00:27:15

What if there's three or four kids in front of you? He plowed them, knocked them over. Right. But he sharpened the pencil. He came back all proud of himself, and he got in trouble.

Kristina: 00:27:26

Yep.

Drew Deraney: 00:27:27

Not because he sharpened the pencil, because he knocked kids over, but he was focused on. You asked me to sharpen the pencils, and I Did it. So he got in trouble for that. And it was.

And I couldn't explain logically to him what, how at six, whatever the five, four, three years old. No way. And. And, yeah, he didn't know enough to. Why'd you do that? Well, I don't. I don't know. You asked me to sharpen the pencil. You knock kids over.

Well, I didn't do it on purpose. Say you're sorry. But I didn't do it on purpose. Why should I say I'm sorry? I say I'm sorry if I do something. Oh, my God. He got labeled. And it was.

And that happened for a while, and finally I gave in and said, all right, we'll get him tested and. And we'll get him the right services. But I was the first time dad thinking, he's just a kid, boy being a boy, you know, we went through.

Kristina: 00:28:14

A lot of that.

And, you know, unfortunately, as the caregiver, as the parents, sometimes we start feeling guilt around that because we didn't know what we didn't know. And. I even doubled it because I was a teacher and I was supposed to know.

Herb: 00:28:28

We would go to the school as a teacher, have these IEP set up, have all of these structures set up, and then they wouldn't follow them, and something would happen and our child would get in trouble, and it would be like.

But you set all of this stuff up to protect him, and then you didn't protect him, and somebody picked on him and he lashed out, and now he's in trouble. Yeah. We have a zero tolerance policy.

Drew Deraney: 00:28:50

It's like we went through the same thing. An IEP is only as good as who knows about it and who ex. Who adheres to it and. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You do all this work to get the iep and they forget to give to the teachers.

Kristina: 00:29:02

Yeah, Right.

Drew Deraney: 00:29:03

And explain to the teachers what it is and why.

Kristina: 00:29:05

Or educate person or the.

Drew Deraney: 00:29:08

Yeah. I mean, how about have a whole course for the teachers and all the staff on what an IEP is? People don't even know what it stands yet.

Herb: 00:29:16

Take your kids out of school or do it her. Because the education program doesn't actually take as much time each day. Day as it does at school. They won't be bullied. You.

You get a better education for your kid and they won't come out.

Drew Deraney: 00:29:30

That's what I want to ask you too. Do they have minimum requirements in each state for homeschooling? How does that work?

Kristina: 00:29:37

It depends on the state. Throughout the 50 states, you have to look at the rules and regulations. Some states are what's called a minimal state, which basically you just do.

You just pull them out and you do it. Other states have medium requirements where you have to register with the education service district. You might have to do a little bit of testing.

That's it. And then our high states is where you actually have to, like, turn in logs of your learning plans and things like that. Okay.

You do have to check with your state, but it is absolutely available.

Herb: 00:30:07

And if that's the case, do not let that stop you. No, because there are all sorts of ways.

Like, if you're cooking with your kids, then there's a learning thing, and you just like, write down everything you do for your kid with your kids. At the end of the day, you turn that in.

Drew Deraney: 00:30:22

Well, here's where I think that's the issue. Like, a lot of people aren't educated. Like, I thought it would be too difficult to do it.

So I didn't even look into it because I, you know, it sounds like an overwhelming task. So I didn't even think of even looking into it.

Kristina: 00:30:35

And that's why vibrant family education is here.

Herb: 00:30:37

Here we pop. Here we pop the out of the box dude again is because that is the last unobstructed right that Americans have, Period. The end.

You can take your kids out of school and. And choose how you educate them. You might have to report on it, you might have to take tests, but you get to decide what to teach them.

You get to decide how you do it. And if you take them out of school, the government can't step in unless you're abusing them or obviously neglecting them.

And so then they can say, hey, you're not doing. But if you are actually educating your children, there is nothing the government can do to stop you from that.

Drew Deraney: 00:31:20

That's helpful to know. One of the things that I was concerned about too, though, is that socially, how do you get them acclimated? Social.

Herb: 00:31:27

See, now we need to talk about this on your podcast because we're supposed to be asking you questions.

Drew Deraney: 00:31:31

We're gonna do this, but I know this is.

Herb: 00:31:33

So you socialize cooperatively instead of competitively. So you take them to music classes, you take them to stuff they're interested in.

You take them to where a lot of people are working towards the same goal at different age levels, and they see that, and they work within different age levels and groups. You can still play sports.

Drew Deraney: 00:31:56

You can still have them play the town sports and stuff for. If they want.

Herb: 00:31:59

If you want to play sports Most school districts, even if you homeschool, you find out what school district you're in and the after school sports are opened up to homeschoolers in their good to know. There's so much that people don't know. It's, it's, that's why we're here. It's like just ask questions.

Drew Deraney: 00:32:16

Christina wants to ask me in the box question.

Herb: 00:32:19

Yes. Now we can get back on topic.

Drew Deraney: 00:32:21

I can tell she's, man, we're dying to ask me in the box.

Herb: 00:32:24

We're shining on you today.

Kristina: 00:32:28

So, yeah, I mean, just going back to that caregiver, if you had two things that you wanted, any caregiver, whether they're for young, disabled children, for old, elderly parents, whatever, two things that you really wanted to give them today to help them take a next step forward to taking care of them and their charge, what would those two things be?

Drew Deraney: 00:32:48

Drink your coffee hot. Do not let it sit there and go, you deserve that cup of coffee most definitely. And breathe when you need to breathe. Right?

But first and foremost, you are enough. You are a great parent, you are a great child.

If you're taking care of an elderly parent, just the fact that you are caring for them means you're a good human being. You need to start thinking of yourself first. And it's not selfish, it's selfless, it's sustainability.

Because at some point, if you continue to give without receiving, and most caregivers are people pleasers where we know how to offer and we know how to say yes for everything, we don't know how to say no and we don't know how to say thank you, period, if someone gives us something.

So you got to start thinking of yourself first in the sense that if you're at your best, think about how wonderful your loved one, your special needs kid or your elderly parents going to be if you're at your best as opposed to if you're at your worst caring for them. So I would say that's what I would want to let them know.

Kristina: 00:34:04

And that is so very, very important because there's also a culture right now that, I mean, we talked with a lot of people and that is constantly said, oh, well, think of yourself first. Think of yourself first. Make sure you're taking your 15 minute break after you walk in the door and da, da, da.

And it's to me, it bugs me because I know that caregivers have to take care of themselves, but it's not, oh, I get an automatic 15 minutes when I walk in the door of Thing, it's like really focusing on how to rejuvenate you and care at the same time. Because it's a balance back and forth. How do we.

Drew Deraney: 00:34:39

And it's a matter of breaking old habits and forming new habits. And that's challenging. Although you have to do it intentionally.

That's why I always say that the five minute reset doesn't have to happen at the other side of the door. It can happen before you get home, right before the door opens and people jump in your arms or say, dad, mom, I need this.

Yeah, you have to do that because if you don't carve it out, no one's gonna give it to you. And I, I think the biggest advice I always give is to choose to write your own story instead of letting others write it for you.

If you sit on the sidelines, somebody's gonna write your story for you. It's gonna be inaccurate. So instead of being on your deathbed wishing you wrote your own story, you got to do it now.

And that means caregivers need to start taking care of themselves. Because if you die younger than you're supposed to, younger than you should, sometimes it's on you because you chose a lifestyle that's going to.

The stress is going to kill you.

Herb: 00:35:38

All right, so now my turn for a little bit.

Drew Deraney: 00:35:41

So I'm going to start, I'm going.

Herb: 00:35:42

To start, start shining on coaches in general at this moment, because I have coaches. I got to a place and it's like I did some things and I'm growing my life and I have coaches that help keep me on track because I can't do it alone.

I lose the vision. I need somebody to sit back and say, hey, you're here, you're stuck. Great, let's look this direction and maybe help move this way a little bit.

I can't do it on my own. You know, so many. I, I wish we had had coaches, somebody that's just, it's like, man, this is what I'm going through.

And they can say, yeah, that sounds really difficult. Now let's look at we can do. How can we get help?

And so the biggest help would be to if, if you think you got it and you bottom out, it's like, get some coaching, get some help. They can help guide you.

They can help see things that are coming up for you and give you a little relief, help you take that five minute breath, give you a sense of breathing that, that time you have with your coach each week. They might do a breathing exercise, they might help ground You. They might give you inspiration to get you through that week.

So when you get tired and you get resentful and you think and you start getting angry at the people that you're taking care of, and you start, my life sucks because of this person. It's like, that's the time to reach out to somebody that's gone through all of that. And that's where a coach can bring you back.

Because you hear this once, and it's like, oh, I got this. Oh, I know this. Now that I know this. I got this. But then life sits in, and it keeps coming and taking you back.

So if you are a caregiver, if you do have an autistic in your. In your family, and you do feel that way sometimes, if you do run out, get yourself a coach. Any part of your life.

You know, Tiger woods is the best golfer in the world, has been. He had, like, 11 coaches at the height of his career. He didn't go like, I'm the best in the world. I don't need coaches.

He's like, I'm the best in the world. I need these people to keep me on track. And so if we have. If you.

Again, here we have an expert in the realm with autistic children and keeping the family going. And so if this sounds right to you, pay attention. Okay, Rant over. I don't usually do that, actually. That.

Drew Deraney: 00:38:03

That's rare for me.

Herb: 00:38:04

But it's like, I'm also a coach.

Kristina: 00:38:06

It's like, we are coaches.

Herb: 00:38:08

We are coaches. It's like, you don't get it. We have lots of coaches. We continue to get coaches to keep making things doable for us.

Drew Deraney: 00:38:17

Absolutely. Any questions or. You want me to.

Herb: 00:38:22

You know what? Yeah. Just add. To that?

Drew Deraney: 00:38:28

Well, I mean. I mean, you figure every parent needs a parent, right? Every. Every. Every kid needs a parent. Every coach needs a coach.

Therapists have their own therapists. I have my own coaches. But, you know, there's different types of coaches.

You have to look at what your strengths are, look at where your weaknesses are or opportunities for improvement. There's life coaches, there are business coaches, there are. I just talked to somebody who's forming her own coaching business.

She's going to call herself a breakthrough coach because she broke through some tough trauma. I happen to call myself a caregiver and family health coach. I'm.

I guess I'm a form of a life coach, but I wanted to niche it down to caregivers because it's kind of like my best client is me. I am 57. I've got a 23 year old special needs son and 88 year old mother.

I'm the sandwich generation where I'm caring for an elderly parent and caring for a special needs son. That is my ideal client because I'm going through it right now.

And as long as I'm two steps ahead of my client, I'm going to give them some fresh, fresh data, fresh insight, fresh hope, and actually see myself more of a, of a mentor. The difference I see, mentors will walk side by side with you and they have an emotional vested interest in your success. And I think that's very.

There is a distinction. Coaches are great. I love being a mentor.

It's, it's, it's just something where if, if I need to pick you up, I've been through the fire, so you're going to be able to trust me. And, and I want you to succeed because if you succeed, I'm succeeding.

And, and I've learned so much from my own clients that's helped me heal and even get better as a coach. So the learning goes both ways. So I agree with you 100%, Herb.

Kristina: 00:40:23

And I love that. I love the distinction you brought up between coach and mentor because I've been kind of waffling back and forth too.

And yeah, coach doesn't fit right with me. I'm mentor. When I get into a family, I'm invested in helping that family and the emotions are there.

I mean, I wear my heart on my sleeve, if you haven't been able to tell yet. So you know, when the kiddos are having a rough time, when parents are having a rough time with their kiddos or for their kiddos.

Yeah, it's all, it's all right there. So, yeah, awesome. So if a caregiver were to model something to the person that they're giving care to.

So maybe it's your autistic son, maybe it's your, your, your mom. You know, what could you model as a caregiver that might make their life a little bit easier or a little bit better?

Drew Deraney: 00:41:09

The caregiver's life a little bit better or the love or the loved one you're taking care of?

Kristina: 00:41:14

Yeah, either or. But I was thinking more of the loved one. What can we do as caregivers to model and kind of help them understand things also?

Drew Deraney: 00:41:22

Well, I. Geez, everybody thinks differently, especially men and women think differently. But how my son thinks is very different from how I think. So just as when I was a young parent, I had three kids. Assuming they were all Neurotypical.

I still needed three different parenting styles for three different children. Too many parents have one parenting style that they use on all three kids, and it's not going to work on all three kids.

And if it does, it'll work sometimes and not always. When I was in, working in the hospital, I had people reporting to me. I had to have.

If I had 50 people reporting to me, I had to have 50 different management styles, right? And so the way I look at it is when you meet an autistic person, you've met one autistic person. They're all unique, all different.

And so with my son, and I learned this from him, actually, first thing he said is when I worked all those hospital hours that when I was home, I really wasn't there. So I learned there was a difference between being physically there and being a mentally, emotionally and cognitive there. So I worked on that.

The second thing is when he goes on his meltdown or his, you know, tantrum or whatever you call it, I guess they call it meltdown. His. His language is emotion, right? If I try to parent with logic, this part of my brain, as opposed to the. He's on the amygdala, right?

And I'm on the, the, the, the, the. The frontal cortex front, the prefrontal cortex. That's too foreign languages. So I've got to realize he's not going to be able to because his NER is.

His neural processes aren't functioning appropriately. He's not going to be able to raise his consciousness. So I'm going to have to be more on the emotional level.

And maybe some of them like hugs, some don't. My son does. Let me give you a hug. Boom. That calms him down. Or a lot of times I've learned distraction.

You don't want to minimize what they're going through. But sometimes when you change the topic to something they like, all of a sudden they change their frequency.

So then if I'm trying to get my frequency from a too high of a frequency that's not meeting his energetic needs, and I bring it to his level by talking more emotional, his is all of a sudden gonna raise to mine because I haven't dismissed his emotions. So. But there's a lot of work that goes into that because the automatic trigger is I'm gonna react, right? I'm gonna get mad, I'm gonna get upset. How.

What do you mean, you don't understand me, you know, kind of thing. And I've done that before and it backfires. So then you.

But Then what I learned is when he calms down and decompresses and is able to collect his thoughts, he'll come to me and say, hey, dad, when we were talking before, when you said abc, I felt like you dismissed my feelings. So next time, can you not say that? And then my role then is, wow, I didn't realize I did that. I can see that. I'm sorry. I won't say that again.

I didn't do it on purpose, but I will make sure not to say that again. Yet when you said this, I felt this.

So he hears that when he's now in his logical mind, and there's a chance that when he does, through his meltdown, there may be some recollection to that. I don't know. But, I mean, we keep doing those dialogues. At some point, we're going to get to a place where.

We'Re both going to be able to decompress around the same time. Because usually what happens is he'll go through his meltdown. He'll go to his room, 20 minutes later, he comes out, he's fine, and I'm sitting there.

It affects my whole freaking day, and I can't do anything. And I'm like, you know, how can that one thing. It's drained all my energy, yet he's fine right now. So, yeah, it's. It's challenging.

Kristina: 00:45:32

Part of that is like kind of like a caregiver curse, because you care so much. It continues to impact, but we have to remember to release. When they release, if. If they've let it go, we need to let.

Drew Deraney: 00:45:43

That's good. That's good. Yeah, absolutely.

Kristina: 00:45:46

Or if it's with an older person and they're not understanding why you're pushing, you know, this medication or this routine or whatever. Again, those deeper conversations of like, this is why I really want this.

For you as the person who's helping to take care of you, this is really important, right. That we can work together by doing A, B, and C. Yeah.

Drew Deraney: 00:46:05

I found that with my son, and it actually helped when I worked in the hospital that the first three words you use in every sentence are the most important three words. And I can give an example. I'll give you a hospital example, and then I'll try to give you me working with my son example.

But a hospital example would be, you know, in your hospital, you have that curtain. Yeah, that curtain's called the privacy curtain. That's really what the name of it is. Right.

So picture a nurse going in, and I'll give you three scenarios and you tell me which one is better Communication. Nurse goes in, takes the curtain, closes it, and leaves. Right. What's the patient going to think?

Kristina: 00:46:44

What's happening right.

Drew Deraney: 00:46:46

Right now? The. The nurse can then go in and say, I'm closing your curtain, and closes the curtain and leaves.

Okay, how about for your privacy, I'm closing the curtain. First three words of the sentence, for your privacy. So with my son, an example would be. Instead of saying, why did you do that?

How about out of curiosity? Just because I'm curious when you did that.

Kristina: 00:47:19

What?

Drew Deraney: 00:47:19

Like, why. But the. You know, the first three words about it. Curiosity really is a great way to be. And usually that kind of can.

Can level out any kind of emotion. It's a very neutral term. I'm curious, everybody. Most people can relate to being curious. So. So that. That's.

Herb: 00:47:42

So many people aren't used to it.

Drew Deraney: 00:47:43

I've.

Herb: 00:47:43

I've short circuited people by doing that before. Like, so I just saw you do that. It's like, no judgment. I'm just wondering why. What was going through your head? How did you come.

It's like, because to me, I. I don't understand that.

Drew Deraney: 00:47:59

And.

Herb: 00:48:00

And their brain just starts, and most of the time, they don't even know. Some sort of weird internal reaction.

Drew Deraney: 00:48:08

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, that.

Herb: 00:48:10

It's funny when you ask somebody that, sometimes it's like just. You can hear the. The cognitive dissonance happening.

Drew Deraney: 00:48:17

Well, it's probably because they have to jump from one part of their brain to the other. Right. You got the. They're sitting in the emotional brain. You come up with something that totally, you know, changes the whole.

You know, So I don't know. I find it interesting. I was psychology major, so I'm always interested in human behavior anyway, so it's fun to do these mini experiments.

Herb: 00:48:39

Yeah. When I hurt my head, I got a lot into psychology. There's a. There's a lot of it there that. That helped me understand a lot of what was going on.

So, yeah, kind of great comfort in it.

Drew Deraney: 00:48:50

Absolutely.

Kristina: 00:48:53

Perfect. So, Drew, would you make sure that you share with our audience now how they can get a hold of you if something has sparked a curiosity.

If somebody is like, oh, my gosh, this is somebody who's speaking my language. How did they get a hold of you so they can work with you a little bit more?

Drew Deraney: 00:49:08

Absolutely. You can email me at drew@profitcompassion.com. you can go to my website, Profit Compassion.com.

now, I'd also like to offer you the five minute reset for free. Something you can have. So that's, that's profit compassion.com five-minute-reset and they can download the, the audio for themselves for free.

That can give you some calmness and give you five minutes a piece.

Kristina: 00:49:38

Awesome. And all of that's going to be down the show notes as well, just in case you didn't have time to write it down.

But we always like to speak it out loud as well so that it's, you know, it registers that. Oh yeah, in there. I can go listen to it. I can't find it in the show notes. Awesome.

So as we're kind of wrapping up, is there anything that we didn't get to today that you were like, oh man, I really want to make sure we talk about this?

Drew Deraney: 00:49:59

No, I think, I think that really is it just that realize that you are enough. Just, just who you are. You're, you're enough. You, you're good enough.

And, and there are going to be times you're going to wake up the morning and not want to wake up. There are going to be times in the morning that you're just not sure how to start your day.

One of the things that they might be able to help you is what I call the five. Traits of high performers. And this could be high performer Caregiver is number one, the night before.

Plan and prepare your next day and follow it and execute. The second thing is be resilient and resourceful. Sometimes your resources are going to run out like your patience.

You got to be resourceful and maybe use the five minute reset. You got to be decisive. Sometimes you're going to make the wrong decision.

But you know what, it's best to make a decision and then course correct than it is not to make a decision at all. The fourth would be prioritize your health and fitness.

If you're not physically fit, mentally fit, you're not going to be able to be your best for your loved one. And then the last one was be growth minded. Don't have a fixed mindset where you only do it a certain way.

Have a growth mindset where you want to be able to learn and do things differently. It helps you be adaptive. So when the meltdown occurs, you can roll with the, roll with the tide.

Herb: 00:51:20

Yeah. Those are five, five amazing tips that you can use for anything in your life. So thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing especially. Yeah.

From this, from this point of view. So thank you.

Drew Deraney: 00:51:32

Absolutely awesome.

Kristina: 00:51:34

Well, audience, it is about time for us to wrap up the show for today. We are so glad that Drew was here with us. Hopefully you have found those gold nuggets.

Remember to take those gold nuggets with you, but don't just put them in your pocket. Take them out, look at them and use them over the next couple of weeks and really put them into play, because that's what this show is all about.

Giving you tips and strategies that really help you and your family take it to the next level to make sure that you're raising those happy, healthy, and successful kids. So thank you for being here on the show, and thank you so much for being an audience and listening as well.

Herb: 00:52:09

And thank you for being here. It is such a pleasure to have you.

So many people who are actually stuck in this world, they do just bury in and get stuck and dig deeper and never seek help. And not only did you get out of that mess, but now you're reaching back and helping other people out, and that is the hero's journey.

You went out and you fought your dragon, you came back to the village, and now you're sharing your story so other people don't have to go through quite the same things. So thank you for being here. Thank you for. For being willing to share yourself and to be a hero.

Drew Deraney: 00:52:42

Absolutely. Thanks for having me, guys. It was really a pleasure to be here.

Kristina: 00:52:46

You're very, very welcome, audience. You know, the last thing we always ask is make sure you, like, review and share.

There's a family out there who needs this podcast to help them do exactly what we all have been talking about, get the support they need, and be the best that they can be for their loved ones. Until next time. Bye for now.

Herb: 00:53:04

Bye for now.

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