In last week’s newsletter, we saw that unsolicited advice typically backfires. That’s because you’re coming in as a critic, knowing better — and that triggers people’s defenses. Neurologically, defending against threat narrows focus and suppresses creativity.

Instead, we need to request and receive permission to have an uplifting conversation.

So how do we do it? In our book You Can Change Other People, Peter Bregman and I share a three-step process. In case you haven’t read it (gasp), here are the steps:

1. Empathize
2. Express confidence
3. Offer to think it through with them

Let’s explore each step.

Empathize

Why empathize? Two main reasons.

First, if someone feels understood and valued by you, they’re more likely to accept your assistance. In their mind, you’re an ally, rather than a critic.

Second, empathy can help shift their neurology from fight-or-flight into social engagement, which brings their creativity and opportunity-seeking brain systems online.

What does this sound like? It could be as simple as, “It seems like you’re having a hard time with this.” Or, “That sounds like a tough position to be in.” Or, “That’s really challenging.”

It’s also the perfect opening when someone complains to you about their situation. That way, you can avoid giving advice or inappropriately reassuring them, and simply acknowledge that you are paying attention to what they’re feeling.

Express Confidence

You’re expressing confidence in their ability to handle the situation, to overcome the challenge.

This may sound like overly positive thinking, but it’s not. In fact, expressing confidence is tautological; by definition, you wouldn’t bother offering advice if you didn’t think they could benefit from it.

Letting them know that you believe in their ability to deal with this thing strengthens your position as their ally. And this kind of belief is contagious — people often rise to the expectations of others. (Check out this classic 1965 experiment by Rosenthal and Jacobson (no relation to me, as far as I know) for a stunning example of how manipulating teacher expectations significantly changed the educational outcomes of some students.)

Expressing confidence can be overt: “I believe in you, and I know you’ve got what it takes here. I’ve seen you deal with stuff like this before.”

It can reference the fact that they’ve “earned the right” to this challenge: “As team lead, you’re the one they’re looking to right now.”

And it can point to their aspirations for the future: “As you move up in your career, you’ll need to handle stuff like this on a regular basis.”

Offer to think it through with them

This is such a hard thing to refuse, especially when it follows empathy and an expression of confidence. And it’s the simplest thing to offer:

“Would you like to think it through together?”

“Want to think about the situation together?”

“Can we think together about how to approach this issue?”

Putting it together

Here’s an example from You Can Change Other People. In this example, Ben is complaining to a colleague, Dara, about Ramona’s unhelpful behavior as a member of his team.

Ben: Ramona is bossing everyone on the team. She’s so annoying, especially because she’s the one with the least experience.

Dara: That sounds tough. [Empathy]

Ben: Yeah, it is. Everyone’s spending so much time defending their turf that we’re not accomplishing our mission. It’s infuriating.

Dara: Sounds like it’s a larger dynamic than just Ramona. Something you probably need to handle as the team leader. [Confidence] Want to think about the situation together? [Think together]

Ben: Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.

Your Turn

Think of someone you’d like to change in some way. Imagine they come to you, not for advice, but just to complain. What does your 3-part permission formula sound like? For kicks, share your response in the comments (anonymizing, of course, to protect both the innocent and the guilty).

Want to create a team culture where everyone’s a pro at bringing out the best in each other? Reach out at howie@askhowie.com and we can chat about how to make it happen.

Before you give advice.

2

Three steps to getting permission,

to have an uplifting conversation.

3

In last week's newsletter.

4

We saw that unsolicited

advice typically backfires.

5

That's because you're coming

in as a critic knowing better.

6

And that triggers people's defenses.

7

Neurologically defending against threat

narrows focus and suppresses creativity.

8

Instead, we need to request

and receive permission.

9

Before we can have an

uplifting conversation.

10

So how do we do it?

11

In our book, you can change

other people, Peter Bregman, and

12

I share a three-step process.

13

In case you haven't read it gasp.

14

Here are the steps.

15

One empathize.

16

To express confidence, three offer

to think it through with them.

17

Let's explore each step.

18

Empathize.

19

Why empathize two main reasons.

20

First, if someone feels understood

and valued by you, they're more

21

likely to accept your assistance.

22

In their mind, you're an

ally rather than a critic.

23

Second empathy can help shift

their neurology from fight or

24

flight into social engagement.

25

Which brings their creativity and

opportunity seeking brain systems online.

26

What does empathy sound like?

27

It could be as simple as, ah, It seems

like you're having a hard time with this,

28

or that sounds like a tough position

to be in, or that's really challenging.

29

It's also the perfect opening.

30

When someone complains to

you about their situation.

31

That way you can avoid giving advice

or inappropriately reassuring them.

32

And simply acknowledge that you are

paying attention to what they're feeling.

33

Express confidence.

34

You're expressing confidence

in their ability to handle the

35

situation, to overcome the challenge.

36

This may sound like overly

positive thinking, but it's not.

37

In fact, expressing confidence

is tautological by definition.

38

You wouldn't bother trying to help if you

didn't think they could benefit from it.

39

Letting them know that you believe in

their ability to deal with this thing

40

strengthens your position is their ally.

41

And this kind of belief is contagious.

42

People often rise to the

expectations of others.

43

Check out a classic 1965 experiment

by Rosenthal and Jacobson.

44

No relation to me, as far as I know.

45

Called Pygmalion in the classroom

for a stunning example of how

46

manipulating teacher expectations

significantly changed the educational

47

outcomes of some of their students.

48

Expressing confidence can be overt.

49

I believe in you.

50

And I know you've got what it takes here.

51

I seen you deal with

stuff like this before.

52

It can reference the fact that they've

earned the right to this challenge.

53

As the team leader, you're the

one they're looking to right now.

54

And it can point to their

aspirations for the future.

55

As you move up in your career,

you'll need to handle stuff

56

like this on a regular basis.

57

Offer to think it through with them.

58

This is a hard thing to refuse,

especially when it follows empathy

59

and an expression of confidence.

60

And it's the simplest thing to offer.

61

Would you like to think

it through together?

62

Want to think about

the situation together.

63

Can we think together about

how to approach this issue.

64

Putting it together.

65

Here's an example from you

can change other people.

66

In this example, Ben is

complaining to a colleague Dara.

67

About Ramona's unhelpful

behavior as a member of his team.

68

Ben.

69

Ramona is bossing everyone on the team.

70

She's so annoying, especially because

she's the one with the least experience.

71

Dara.

72

That sounds tough.

73

Here the empathy.

74

Ben.

75

Yeah, it is everyone spending so

much time defending their turf that

76

we're not accomplishing our mission.

77

It's infuriating.

78

Dara.

79

Sounds like it's a larger dynamic than

just Ramona something you probably

80

need to handle as the team leader.

81

Confidence.

82

Want to think about

the situation together.

83

Thing together.

84

Ben.

85

Yeah, that would be great.

86

Thanks.

87

Your turn.

88

Think of someone you'd like to change

in some way, imagine they come to you.

89

Not for advice, but just to

complain, what does your three-part

90

permission formula sound like?

91

Want to create a team culture

where everyone's a pro at bringing

92

out the best in each other.

93

Reach out Howie had asked howie.com and

we can chat about how to make it happen.