Have you ever had someone walk out of your life and you’re just left thinking, what the hell happened?

Maybe they blocked you. Maybe they stopped talking to you. Maybe the relationship ended and you never really got an explanation.

And now you keep thinking, "if I could just talk to them one more time… if I could just understand why they did it… then maybe I could finally let it go..."

Would you... really?

Because sometimes we get the explanation and it's just not enough to move on.

In this episode, we’re talking about why you don’t actually need someone else to give you closure, what you might really be looking for when you keep asking “why?”, and how to finally make peace with what happened and move on.

IN THIS EPISODE

• Why we get so stuck when a relationship ends without the conversation, explanation, or apology we wanted
• What might actually be going on when someone can’t or won’t give you the answers you’re looking for
• When someone owes you an explanation - and when “no” really is a complete sentence
• Why waiting for someone to take accountability can keep you emotionally connected to them long after the relationship is over
• The uncomfortable reason you might keep asking “why?” even when you think you just want closure
• When trying to “understand what happened” is secretly about finding a way back into the relationship
• Why finally getting the explanation you’ve been desperate for might not give you the closure you thought it would
• What your hardest relationships can show you about people-pleasing, boundaries and the patterns you keep repeating
• What can happen to a relationship when you change but the other person still expects the old version of you
• Why the ending you wanted might never happen - and how to close the door yourself instead of waiting for someone else to do it for you

RESOURCES

1. The “I Know” Trap: The Two Words That Keep You From the Life You Want
2. DM us TRAINING on Instagram to join the leadership training and transform your life in 90 days: https://www.instagram.com/freedomwithgiorgiaandawn

Hello and welcome to another episode.

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Have you ever had a

relationship that ended badly?

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And maybe it ended without a conversation.

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It ended without an explanation.

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The person just walked away or

blocked you on WhatsApp, and you're

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left there wanting to know why.

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Why has this thing happened?

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We were so close.

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How could it end up this way

without even an explanation?

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You may want an explanation.

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Sometimes you may even want an apology.

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The person cheated on you or has

hurt you, or maybe you just want a

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conversation about how did we get

here so you can still move on as…

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W- with peace.

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You can move on knowing that,

"Okay, I've done everything.

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I'm at peace, and I can

go on with my life."

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And sometimes we don't get that, right?

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So I want you to think about

a time when this happened,

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'cause it happened to all of us.

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And so if you are in this

situation, what are s- what…

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I want you to ask yourself,

what are you still waiting for-

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What are you still waiting for

someone else to give you before

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you feel like you can move on?

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Because we feel that closure always

needs to come from the other person.

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Until we have the answers, until we have

the explanation, we are stuck in limbo.

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And the truth is that closure

doesn't always have to come from

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the other person, right, Dawn?

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Dawn: Yeah, absolutely.

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Oftentimes, the other person doesn't

have the capacity or even the willingness

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to give you the explanation you need.

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And I use this term need because often

we feel like it's a necessity to have

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this so we can move forward in our lives.

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And if you guys listen back to an episode

that we did previously, we talked about

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what need really means, and need in

the past was literally life or death.

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So that's why I say I am loosely using

this term need So there are times

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where, for example, if you've gone

through any kind of coaching, emotional

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intelligence, leadership, something

that has supported your growth, and you

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know how to have these conversations,

yet the person that you're with or the

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person that's hurt you or the person

that has cut off the contact has not.

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When we say they don't have the capacity

to do it, they may not truly understand

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how to respond to the questions you

have, or maybe they feel pressured by

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the questions you have, or maybe they

don't even understand for themselves why

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they made the decision that they made.

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Giorgia: It's also possible that

they think they're being clear.

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Like I'm thinking about

myself in situations…

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Well, one situation in the past where

I stopped talking to a dear friend

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for a long, long time, and I felt I

had communicated several times about

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these are my boundaries, this is what

I see moving forward, I don't see this

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working out between us, and the other

person just wasn't receptive to this.

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So when then there was a situation

where we just stopped talking on both

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of our parts, I felt like, "I'm clear."

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And the person was like, "No,

actually, I'm still don't know.

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I'm still unclear."

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So that potentially could

still be going on as well.

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Dawn: Absolutely, and you know I've

been through a situation like this

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recently where I have been very clear

about boundaries, and I have continued

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to give this person chance after chance

after chance, and next thing I know

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is she's overstepping the boundaries

to a level she's never been at before.

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And I was like, "Done.

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Block.

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Everything is over."

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Using an intermediary to support in "I

need to get this back from you, I need

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to give you your stuff back as well."

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And the thing is that she has

an expectation that I owe her an

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explanation, that I owe her my time and

my presence when I've repeated something

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over and over again and said, "Look,

either this shifts or we don't move

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forward in a relationship anymore."

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Because I get to protect my

peace and the other parts that

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are involved in this situation.

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And I don't feel like

I owe her an apology.

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I don't feel like I owe her my time

because my experience of her has always

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been to shift the situation where I

start to feel bad about the decision

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that I've made, and then I cave and

I give in, and I've done it countless

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times at this point, and I'm just at a

point that I want to protect my peace.

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And I've also understood that having gone

through emotional intelligence training,

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leadership training, growth, I show up

differently than I used to, and I tolerate

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things differently than I used to.

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And in the past, I would've

just kept saying, "Okay, this

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person is important to me.

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I'll tolerate this behavior."

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And now it's like there are boundaries

that I wanna protect me, I wanna

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protect my space and if I continue to

say, "Okay, I'm gonna let it slide.

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Okay, I'm gonna let it slide," where

am I actually being authentic and truly

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meaning what I mean by my boundaries?

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And so some of you may have experienced

this before, where either you were

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on the receiving end or you were

the other person, like I am in this

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situation right now, and the apology

never came or you didn't give it.

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The truth was never received

or never told to them.

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Because one thing that I will add

to this is that there's a word

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we have, a two-letter word in

the English language called no.

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That is a complete sentence, and

you don't have to justify your no.

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So also, you don't have to justify

what you experience as the truth.

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The accountability.

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You may never get that person's

accountability saying, "Yeah, I messed

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up, and this is how I messed up,

and this is why I did what I did."

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You may never get the conversation

you feel that you deserve, and

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by waiting for that conversation,

you are kept emotionally connected

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with that person and the situation.

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And do you wanna stay, quote,

unquote, "stuck" there, or do you

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wanna be able to move forward?

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And that's why we oftentimes

confuse understanding the situation,

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understanding what happened, with closure.

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Giorgia: You made a very good point there

before when you were saying, "I don't

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owe this person an explanation because

I feel like if I were to give one…

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Well, I've already given them multiple

times, multiple warnings, and if I

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were to have another conversation,

the person could have the opportunity

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to manipulate me, gaslight me.

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'Cause we always want to see

things from different perspectives.

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We've all been that person who shut

the door, and we've been the person

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that the door shut down in our face.

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And particularly when it

comes to breakups, right?

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Mm-hmm.

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I personally like to, when I break up with

someone, to still be friends with them

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because if I've been in love with you for

so long, why would I all of a sudden turn

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around and say, "You're a horrible person.

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I don't want you in my life anymore"?

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I also understand there are situations

when the person has genuinely hurt

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you, has cheated on you, has been

abusive to you, in which case you

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need to close the door completely.

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At the same time, I had a breakup where I

genuinely wanted to stay friends because

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the way that I saw it, we'd just come to

the end of the line for us, and why not

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stay friends and be in each other's lives?

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And we did that for a while, and then

all of a sudden, this person just

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blocked me all over the place, and

I've only found out through common

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friends some of those reasons why.

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I do feel, though, that when we keep

reaching out or we keep hoping to get

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an answer when someone behaves like

that, particularly with that person

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itself and not through friends like

I did, it really is because there is

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a part of us that's thinking, "Oh,

if I understand why this person said

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this, then I can turn it around.

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If I know why he's blocked me,

Then I can understand and I can

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give him what he wants, so then

we can go back to being friends."

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And we don't think about this as

manipulation because our intentions

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are just to restore the relationship.

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To the other person, though, it

may feel manipulative because

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they're like, "I said no.

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I said I don't want you in your life,

so why are you still doing things to

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sneak your way in.

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You know what I mean?

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Dawn: Absolutely.

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And the other thing I think that

sometimes it is, I know I've been in

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the situation you're talking about.

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If I understand the situation,

then I can figure out how to change

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something to repair the relationship.

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And if I don't understand, then I

feel like I'm at a complete loss,

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and I'm a ship that's stuck out at

sea waiting for someone to rescue me.

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And so another way to view this

is that if I understand why a

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person did what they did, then I

can let go and I can move forward.

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And by exploring why and how that person

reacted the way they did or made the

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decision that they did- I could still

disagree with it, yet I can move on.

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And typically, it isn't always the case.

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Oftentimes, especially if it's a deep

relationship that you've had with

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somebody, a best friend for 20, 25 years,

a boyfriend, a partner, a spouse that

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you have been with for 5, 10, 15 years.

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and subconsciously you want to

save that relationship because

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subconsciously, even consciously,

you're thinking, "How much time have

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I spent with this person in my life?

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And now that's all wasted."

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'Cause I don't know about y'all, I know

I've thought that about relationships in

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my life that I've had with people for over

20 years, and the relationship ends and

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I'm like, "How could this even happen?"

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How did I not see this coming?

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Or, asking the person, begging the person

to talk to me and tell me what happened.

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How did I show up that caused

the reaction I received?

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And I do have someone who's recently

reached out to me, and it was

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just a really weird conversation.

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We hadn't spoken for years, and one

minute I felt like I was being attacked,

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and the next minute she was praising

me, and I'm like, "I don't really know

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what's going on in this conversation."

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Her husband said she wanted to

rekindle our relationship, and

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based on that, I was like, "Whoa.

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I feel like I'm holding the bucket

for somebody I didn't know I was

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supposed to hold the bucket for."

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Wow.

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And if you don't know the term hold

the bucket, what we mean by this when

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we're talking in leadership terminology

is that you hold space for a person to

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just vomit all of what they're feeling,

everything that's coming up for them.

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They can be a victim.

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They can be the victor.

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They can say whatever they want.

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There is no judgment.

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You are just there to hold

that space for them to vent.

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And afterwards you can ask,

"Would you like my support?

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How do you want me to support you?"

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kind of thing.

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And so when we do that, we get to be

very clear that we're asking that person

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do they have time and space for that.

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And I was anticipating a very

different messaging system from

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this person than what I received,

and I was a bit taken aback.

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just like, wow, there wasn't

even a question in there.

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It was just full-on conversation

that she was downloading on me.

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And the thing is, I still

love this person deeply.

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They were a part of my life

for a really long time.

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We actually have matching tattoos.

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She was my best friend.

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And- Is there a possibility that

there could be a relationship again?

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Maybe.

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I don't know.

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I'm not holding hope out for it,

yet I'm also fine with where we are.

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Now, 15 years ago I was not.

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I was like, "What did I do?

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How could our relationship

end up like this?

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She's been my best friend

for 20 years," and bam, not.

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And so sometimes we're never gonna

get that reason, and even sometimes

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if we do, it doesn't support us.

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It doesn't satisfy us.

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We're still like, "That

doesn't make sense.

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But why?"

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And I did purposely say but there-

… because that would be what we mostly say.

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"But why?

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Why is it this way?"

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And sometimes the answer is

just they made a choice, and you

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have a choice based on theirs.

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You can accept it or not.

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You can let it tear you down and keep

you in a space that keeps you small

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and feeling like you did something

wrong, or you can say, "All right.

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I love this person, and our

life is moving forward, and I'm

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choosing to let this lift me up.

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I had a great relationship

with them, and now no more."

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And there are some people in our lives,

they come in for a season, and there

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are some people that are here for a

lifetime, and those are the relationships

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you get to decide is there closure

or not, and is it worth it or not?

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Giorgia: Absolutely.

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Often we think, "Hey, if only

I knew why, I can let go."

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And if you're thinking like that, I would

invite you to go deeper, and what do

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you want to get from that explanation?

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Because, yeah, the mind will

just say, "Oh, I can let it go."

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And yet, as you said, Dawn,

sometimes we have the answer,

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and we still do not accept it.

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We still do not like it.

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We still think that there is

something else that is going on.

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And so do you actually want to

understand so you can find a

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way to get back into their life?

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Do you want to understand so you can

be right about that person being a

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horrible person and doing what they did?

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Do you want an explanation because, I

don't know, whatever you think that you

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may getting out of that, that is the first

step because you are never gonna get that.

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The truth is you don't need an

explanation or an apology to move on.

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So it would be nice to have it.

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It may support in some cases to

have a clean break, absolutely.

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And if you are not getting it, and

still you're like, "I need it, I

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need it, I need it so much," figure

out what you want to get from that.

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Because if you, for example, want

to get back with the person, is

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that really the best thing for you?

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I know sometimes when we ask why,

it's like we want to find fault with

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ourselves, in the sense that if only

I knew what behavior caused this, if

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only I knew what it is in me that need

fixing, then I can just fix that, and

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then everything will get back to normal.

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And the truth is that, yes, of

course, we all have- Patterns or

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habits that may not be the best, and

there is nothing to fix within us.

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Dawn: absolutely.

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I know in the past quite often that

was one of the reasons that I really

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wanted to understand why a relationship

ended, friendship, business, whatever.

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It doesn't matter.

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What did I do wrong?

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How did I show up that resulted in

this response so I don't continue to

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do it, so I can shift so it doesn't

affect my future relationships, or

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that maybe I can salvage this one.

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And so I definitely resonate

with what you just shared.

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Giorgia: Here's a distinction that I want

to make because there's a really thin,

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fine line between what did I do wrong

and let me fix it so it doesn't show

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up again, and where did I go wrong so

I can fix that and please that person.

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Because if you subconsciously just

want things to go back to where they

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used to be- you may feel like you

need to be someone that you are not,

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do things that you normally wouldn't

do to get that person back, and

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sometimes we do it and it works in

the sense that the person comes back.

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And surprise, a few months later

we are back in the same place

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because we cannot fake it for long.

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And so the same pattern

will always come up.

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And so instead of saying,

"What did I do wrong?

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What is wrong in me that is causing this?"

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A better question is, "How

did I generate the situation?"

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Because it is possible that you

did all of the right things, and

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yet this person was in your life to

show you To raise your standards.

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Maybe again, you've been a people

pleaser all your life, and you're

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attracting someone that's, they

actually wanted to be pleased.

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So you could exercise your muscle

of raising your boundaries, and when

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you start raising your boundaries,

the person will have served its

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purpose in your life, and you will

be able to move on, 'cause until we

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resolve the internal patterns, like

people pleasing, control, wanting to

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be right, working so hard, we always

attract people in our life that give us

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an opportunity to break these patterns.

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It's just that we don't see it

in the moment because in the

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moment we just want them back.

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Dawn: Absolutely.

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And one thing that came to my mind

as you were sharing that, Giorgia,

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is you could have a person whose

favorite color is blue, and you are

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the color green, and you're never going

to be that person for them because

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you aren't their favorite color.

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It doesn't mean that you can't

be a part of their lives or a

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season in their lives, right?

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At the end of the day, though,

you were also in that person's

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life to support their growth

because you generated each other.

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You generated that relationship.

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You generated the love, the joy, the fun.

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You also generated the breakdowns,

the heartache, the arguments, and how

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you learned to respond or how you were

conditioned to respond created the

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situation you had and the dynamic, and

led to potentially this separation.

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And I go back to, Giorgia, you sharing

the difference between wanting to fix it

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so you can grow versus wanting to fix it

so you can change for that person, and

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it's getting really clear with yourself

which route you're actually wanting to do.

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Is it because you want to grow and focus

on your future relationships, whether

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that person is a part of your life or not?

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Or do you wanna change who you be

to fit the mold of a person because

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that's what that person wants, and

that's what that person says they need?

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And maybe in that moment

it is what they need

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Giorgia: I can give you an example.

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I started this episode with a friend

that for a long time we weren't

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talking, So we had the big bust-up.

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We didn't talk for a long time,

and then we reconnected in

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just some very different terms.

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And obviously everyone that's listening

for a while to our podcast knows that

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I am a recovering people pleaser.

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So of course, I attracted a person

in my life that was very controlling.

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And for most of our friendships, she

was the one making the decisions,

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and I was like, "Oh, okay, I'll do it

even if I don't wanna do it," because

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otherwise there was gonna be an argument.

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And so that was our pattern.

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She'd make decisions, and I just followed.

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Then I did leadership and a lot of

work on myself, and I realized, well,

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actually, what I want also counts.

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I don't always need to follow.

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I can lead, and I started putting

boundaries in place, and this

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wasn't always appreciated.

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And that's why right now, this person

is on the periphery of my life.

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So we talk every now and then,

and if I could go back, would

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I do some things differently?

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Yes, absolutely, I would

do some things differently.

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At the same time, because I understand

that, okay, I generated this person

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in my life to support me in standing

up for myself, in putting boundaries.

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Once my confidence was there, I could

decide, okay, I still want you in my life

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as long as you respect my boundaries.

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And if this doesn't happen, then

I am happy to text with you every

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now and then and not going out of

my way to rekindle that friendship.

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Because by that time, I had grown, and I

was able to understand that even though it

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was hurting me, even though I was feeling

guilty, I had learned the lesson, and it

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wasn't the best thing for me to go back.

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especially if that person was still in

a place where they hadn't done as much

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work on themselves, and so they would

still constantly, do their best to

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manipulate back to where status quo was.

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So when you come at it from an empowerment

place, when you truly have learned the

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lesson, when you truly have learned how

your behavior, which in this case was my

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people pleasing, was contributing, and

you're committed to shifting that, that's

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when you're able to create something

different and still either walk away or

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stay and set boundaries in a way that

actually creates the life that you want

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to create, and you are not back Into the

drama, 'cause people who haven't done this

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work unfortunately, they will always do

their best to get you back to the drama.

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Dawn: Yeah, and what I hear you saying

is that you created closure from your own

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decisions, which is you get to decide what

are you going to accept moving forward?

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What have you learned from this situation?

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What things will you do differently?

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What that relationship means to you

now, and when you're ready to stop

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revisiting it, if that becomes the case.

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You creating peace in your life is

not dependent on anybody else, whether

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they agree with your version of events,

whether agree with your perception,

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whether they agree with the situation.

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Your peace is not dictated by somebody

else or an external situation.

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You get to choose that.

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And what I hear Giorgia saying here

is that this person, when she began

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to set boundaries, gave her pushback.

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And Giorgia's like, "I'm standing in

my power, and if this person doesn't

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like it anymore because I've been a

pushover for our entire friendship,

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then this is what I'm going to do,

and I'm gonna end that friendship."

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And I think it's really important that

when you learn to set boundaries, if

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somebody is not honoring those boundaries,

that you stand up for yourself.

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And if they continue to ignore it, then

you have the right to say, "You don't

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get to have a space at my table anymore."

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And that protects you, your peace.

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It brings less stress.

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And one of the biggest things as

Giorgia was saying earlier, is that

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we know that we generate these things.

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So instead of saying, "Why

did they do this to me?

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Why did this happen to me?"

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We can say, "Why did this happen for me?

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What can I choose now moving forward?"

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And shift the way that you

view that relationship.

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Because staying in that same

thought process, like the hamster

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on the wheel, you're looking at

that relationship as this is a life

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sentence and this is the way it's

gotta be because there's nothing else.

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I messed up.

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I don't know how I messed up.

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I don't know how to change in the future.

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Instead of looking at it from that

perspective, shift it and look at it, this

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relationship provided me with information.

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Giorgia mentioned very clearly that

with that previous relationship,

386

that she learned about boundaries.

387

She noticed patterns that

were showing up in her life.

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She noticed how she wanted future

relationships to be, and that people

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would respect those boundaries.

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Also, it can teach you about the

things that you need and desire in

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life, things that are gonna meet

your Maslow's hierarchy of needs.

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It can also teach you what do you value.

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And so it's really important to

reflect on these relationships when

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no closure happens, when we don't

receive that closure, that it's

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okay as long as we create closure

for ourselves in that situation

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Giorgia: And we also understand that

it can be hard to figure out what

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the lesson is, what your vision for

future relationship is, because I was

398

so blessed and so lucky to have the

support of amazing coaches that were

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there for me and with me to support

me in actually understanding how I

400

am generating this and what patterns

that are creating the situation.

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Because when we are in pain, because

when we don't have closure, we

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are in pain, we only see our pain.

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We only feel and experience our pain.

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And so it can be really hard when you are

on your own to be in a place of, "Okay,

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what am I supposed to learn from this?"

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Because when you're in

pain, you don't wanna learn.

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You just wanna lash out or you wanna cry

or you want someone to hold the bucket.

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So if you are in this space and

you know that you need closure, you

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won't get it from the other person,

and even if you were to get it, it

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probably would not satisfy you.

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And you want to understand, okay,

how do I break this pattern?

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Because probably it's not your first

time that something like this happened.

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Probably there is a pattern in

your life that you're creating

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over and over and over again.

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Then do reach out to us.

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We have a coaching program

that can support you with this.

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So we can understand what exactly

happened with this person.

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We can find out what the

pattern you are repeating is.

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And then over the course of three

months, we can support you in releasing

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that, breaking the pattern, and

creating peace, and creating also the

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relationships that you want in your life.

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'Cause even though the ending that

you want may be a conversation,

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it's not necessarily the ending

that you're gonna get, right?

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Dawn: Absolutely.

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At the end of the day, it's

a decision that you make.

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You are the person who controls

your peace, your trust, your

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love, all of those things.

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That's for you to decide where that

energy goes, and you don't need

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someone else to give you closure.

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You don't need someone else to

give you permission to end a

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relationship or to block somebody.

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You can choose to close

that door yourself.

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At the end of the day, the question

isn't why did this happen, it's

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what am I going to create from this?

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What am I going to learn from this?

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Giorgia: And life is always

happening for you, not to you.

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So when you unlock, you understand,

when you find the answer to that

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question, you act on it, then you

can finally create the life you want,

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and it will come with so much freedom