After years together, it's easy to assume you know your partner completely. In many ways, you do. But people keep growing. Their interests shift, and new passions emerge. If you stop being curious about who your partner is becoming, you start relating to a version of them that no longer quite exists.
In this episode, Alastair shares the story of Ben and Lisa, together nine years. When asked what Lisa was most excited about right now, Ben went quiet. He hadn't noticed she'd become fascinated by photography over the past year. Once he asked with real curiosity, "Show me what you've been working on," everything shifted. This week, ask your partner about one thing they're currently interested in. Make it a real question, not a check-in, then listen and ask follow-ups.
Hosted by Alastair Duhs, relationship coach and creator of Reconnected.
Transcripts
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You've been with your partner for years.
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You know their coffee order, you know what makes them laugh, you know their history, their moods, their habits.
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But here's a question worth sitting.
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Do you know what genuinely excites them right now?
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Hi, I'm Alistair Dewes and welcome to the Daily Relationship Tips podcast, where I share simple, practical tools to help you and your partner feel close, connected and in love again, one small habit at a time.
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Now, here's what many people don't realize.
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After years together, it's easy to assume you know your partner and in many ways you do.
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But people keep growing.
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Their interests shift, new passions emerge.
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And if you stop being curious about who your partner is becoming, you start relating to a version of them that no longer quite exists.
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So curiosity.
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That's the habit to develop.
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Not thinking you know everything about your partner, but being genuinely interested in discovering more.
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A couple I worked with, I'll call them Ben and Lisa, had been together nine years.
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Ben would have told you he knew Lisa well.
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He knew her friends, her history, her preferences.
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But when I asked him what Lisa was most interested in right now, what was genuinely alive for her at that moment, he went quiet.
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I'm not sure, he said.
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Her work, I guess.
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When I spoke with Lisa, she told me she'd become genuinely fascinated by photography over the past year.
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She'd been reading books, watching tutorials, spending weekend mornings out with her camera.
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Ben had noticed the camera, he just hadn't asked about it.
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The point isn't that Ben was inattentive.
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He was warm and caring in many ways.
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But he'd stopped being curious about who Lisa was becoming.
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And that's a different thing from knowing who she was when they met.
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When I pointed this out, Ben went home and asked Lisa about the photography.
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Not as a check in with real curiosity.
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Show me what you've been working on.
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She lit up.
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They spent an hour going through her photos.
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She told him about the things she was learning to see.
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He asked questions he genuinely wanted the answers to.
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Lisa told me the next.
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I'd forgotten how it feels when he's actually interested.
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I want to know more about what's going on for him, too.
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So here's today's practical Learning about your partner's interests doesn't mean you have to take them up yourself.
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You don't need to become an expert on their hobby, their favourite show or their passion project.
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What it means is taking a genuine interest in what they love and asking questions that go below the surface.
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Not just how was that?
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But what draws you to it?
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What do you love about it?
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Or what are you discovering?
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The aim is to understand why these interests matter to your partner.
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What they get from them, what excites them.
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That understanding is a form of intimacy.
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So remember, ask your partner about one thing they're currently interested in or excited about and make it a real question, not a logistical check in.
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Then listen.
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Ask follow up questions.
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Let yourself be genuinely curious about the answer.
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Because couples who stay curious about each other never quite run out of things to discover.
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They're not just co managing life, they're two genuinely interesting people who keep finding new things to appreciate in each other.
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That ongoing curiosity is one of the most underrated ingredients of a lasting relationship.
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It keeps love fresh in a way that nothing else quite does.
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Now here's a question worth answering before you how connected is your relationship right now?
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Most people just guess, but you don't have to.
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There's a free two minute quiz at dailyrelationshiptips.com that'll tell you exactly where your relationship stands and where the easy wins are hiding.
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Take it today and find out if you how to create a happier, more loving and connected relationship.
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And while you're there, you'll find a stack of relationship resources to help you put these habits into practice.
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Everything you need is waiting there for you.
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Thanks for listening and I'll see you in the next episode.
