Raised in the mountains of the midwest, Misty endured neglect and abuse when she was a child. She took matters into her own hands to separate from her family, survived a period in foster care, then was adopted by her extended family. Misty, was forced to learn what life should be like in a properly functioning family while unlearning what she had experienced in her first family. Today Misty uses lessons from her past to maintain stoicism to move forward in life.

This is Misty's journey.

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252 - Stoicism and Radical Acceptance

Cold Cut

[00:00:51] Damon: I'm Damon Davis, and today you'll meet Misty who lives outside of Metro New York City, raised in the mountains of the Midwest. [00:01:00] Misty endured neglect and abuse when she was a child. She took matters into her own hands, survived a period in foster care, then was adopted by her extended family. Misty, was forced

[00:01:20] Damon: This is Misty's journey.

some of the great things that I learned from my parental units were how to be self sustainable.

[00:02:22] Misty: There's a reason I'm saying this is because I believe that was what gave me enough presence of mind to change my situation.

[00:02:47] Damon: That is not a typical childhood upbringing. Are I grew up in the suburbs, like I could walk down the street and knock on a couple of kids doors and I was immediately having a playdate. Tell me what your childhood was like in terms of [00:03:00] the classic things that we think of in childhood development versus what you had.

[00:03:27] Misty: And for me, mostly what My extracurriculars were playing music or being in band. So when I was a kid, I was very interested in learning the piano and I only asked for one thing from my parents and they really didn't have the means to be able to provide that, but they provided me with an alternative.

[00:04:11] Damon: that's really fascinating.

[00:04:31] Damon: Sun up to sun down in terms of getting up, getting to school. And, you said no running water and, hunting and catching your own food. Tell me a little bit about what some of your days were like.

[00:04:49] Misty: Some geese. So we would get up and we'd take care of the animals and do our daily chores, our morning chores before going to school,

[00:05:02] Misty: Sure. So feeding the chickens, collecting eggs, milking the goats, feeding the horse, we had rabbits.

[00:05:17] Damon: So what kinds of things are those in the evening, then it's the

[00:05:22] Damon: thing. You said there's no running water. So how are you collecting water and getting it back to the house for all of the things that you have to do to survive as a human, let alone for the animals?

[00:05:40] Damon: Oh, really?

[00:05:52] Damon: Oh, that's really interesting.

[00:06:02] Misty: My biological family.

[00:06:12] Misty: It was better not to be around my family.

[00:06:16] Damon: Gotcha. Better in what way?

[00:06:38] Damon: Wow. And what I'm hearing you say a little bit is their own upbringing was impactful on them as adults, which then had cascading effects on you as the child, the offspring from that prison. That their upbringing, right?

[00:07:03] Misty: So that, Really had a cascading effect in terms of, you do what you see. This is a real I don't know, many times I've asked myself this nature or nurture question, and I believe it's a little of both.

[00:07:27] Damon: How do you think about that? Is because you didn't go into that. I'm, I guess I'm trying to figure out how it was that what you saw didn't poison you towards that same kind of behavior.

[00:07:53] Damon: So this was a piece of you inside. You saw what was happening, what the potential path [00:08:00] was. And you self selected out of it. Yes. Wow, that's really fascinating. Do you remember when you first felt this notion of, I, I don't think I want to be like that. What was it that triggered for you that you just said I just can't see myself doing those things?

[00:08:35] Damon: Really? What did it say? What stuck out to you about it?

[00:08:46] Damon: And

[00:08:48] Misty: This isn't right. And then I thought, well, I'm 10. What am I going to do? I'm 10.

[00:08:55] Misty: How am I supposed to handle this?

[00:08:58] Misty: right.

[00:09:00] Damon: What, yeah, what did you do? You're 10 years old. You've made this realization. You got a long way to go to be 18. How do you manage to keep your nose clean? Navigating

[00:09:24] Misty: And it was when I was 11 that I had this dark night of the soul. And I realized that I needed to get out of that situation. And I realized that I had a couple of options and one was I could unalive myself, or the other was that I could find a way to get some help and strategize about how to get out of there.

[00:10:07] Misty: And I thought, you know, I love life too much to take this other option. So I, Figured out how to leave

[00:10:17] Misty: well I had a friend whose name was Leona whose mother was the deputy sheriff and I told her mother what was going on and One day I never went home from school

[00:10:30] Damon: So did you go to her house? And what age were you when this happened?

[00:10:45] Misty: I think I may have told Leona what was happening. And then she had me talk to her mom. That's a good question. That's pretty fuzzy on that one.

[00:11:02] Misty: Yes. Physical, mental, and sexual abuse.

[00:11:08] Misty: Thank you. It's, you can't live in the past.

[00:11:12] Misty: But

[00:11:19] Misty: Oh, thank you. I've done a lot of work on myself to be able to get to the point that I can be so objective.

[00:11:36] Misty: Sure. And I'm happy to do this because I feel like there's an important point to be made here, which is you don't have to be married to those circumstances because a lot of times what happens is we grow up in a certain way.

[00:12:14] Damon: I love that you put that message out there. That's super important. So you're, what was it? 11 years old. You're at Leona's home. You have spoken to her mom who was either a sheriff or a deputy. She was in the police force. What happens next?

[00:12:35] Damon: And how was that? You're safe, but you don't have your family and you're only 11. How, what do you recall how that was for you?

[00:12:59] Misty: So anyone who [00:13:00] took me on as a foster probably thought, what am I going to do with this kid? Because we, it just that whole family dynamic was the polar opposite of most of what the family dynamics were in my foster homes.

[00:13:19] Damon: and therefore the trauma that you had lived through created, it sounds like for lack of better words, conflict, like it sounds like if they were more healthy and you had come from this unhealthy place with poor habits and learned bad behavior, that it was challenging. Is that what you're saying?

[00:13:40] Misty: Sure.

[00:13:46] Misty: No, it didn't feel like that. I just. I feel that it was more of a situation where I already didn't feel like I fit in.

[00:14:01] Damon: Aah.

[00:14:08] Damon: Yeah.

[00:14:10] Damon: four and 11, 12 year old, you don't know enough about the world to know where you do want to go.

[00:14:24] Misty: I came from a world where, right. And I had come from a world where. Naively, I had thought that's how everyone's family had worked until I saw that PSA.

[00:14:39] Damon: Yeah.

[00:14:42] Damon: Yeah, but I'm gonna challenge you and anybody else who thinks about this way on the naivete piece. You only know what you know. You only know what you're taught, right? That if you, as a 10 or 11 year old, are brought into this world and are only taught the things in your little microcosm, in your home, in [00:15:00] your small community there in the mountains, how could you ever know that there was Another way of life that you and your family should aspire to.

[00:15:16] Misty: to a high level. Yes.

[00:15:30] Damon: Right. It's like my son, he used to. Love, love math in school. And then he went, moved up a grade and he didn't know how to do the math in that grade. And I'm like, dude, you've never been in this grade before. You can't just, you're not born knowing it. You have to learn it. And this is an example of that is you learn the things you are exposed to and everything else you're just not.

[00:15:59] Damon: That's [00:16:00] a great point. Yeah. Where you have presumably relied on Habits, lessons, what you've been exposed to, to continue to survive. And then you realize, wait, this isn't how everybody else does these things.

[00:16:25] Misty: And to take those things and to shift them was, I can hear some people who don't like the woo to alchemize them, to make that work to your advantage.

[00:16:57] Damon: For anyone that doesn't know

[00:17:06] Damon: Interesting. So taking would to other people be a bad situation and flipping it to turning it into a positive for yourself.

[00:17:26] Misty: So

[00:17:44] Misty: Okay. I can agree with that. And at the same time, when you feel shame to a point where you create your own glass ceiling, you can't get past because of that. Sometimes you've got to drop that shame and just accept. yourself and accept all of the [00:18:00] dark sides of you and the dark things that have happened to you and find where you can apply what you learned from those so that you can move yourself forward and in a different direction.

[00:18:43] Damon: Or are just in a position of self doubt or in a position of not recognizing that the weakness that they currently think they have could truly be turned into a strength. It doesn't have to be about growing up in abuse and neglect. It could just be about like, I'm afraid of public [00:19:00] speaking. You help the person recognize you don't have to be afraid of that.

[00:19:27] Misty: And where you can lean into it, there's this great book by Ryan holiday called the obstacle is the way.

[00:19:37] Misty: And

[00:19:49] Damon: In her early teenage years, Misty was navigating the foster system, unlearning, what she had been exposed to as family function, and trying to learn what society expected of her. [00:20:00] Had she been raised in a properly functioning family. At 13 years old, she was adopted by her younger brother's grandparents in Utah, making her a kinship, adoptee, being in a new home, in a new state, leaving a very liberal upbringing to be raised in a conservative environment, was jarring, but helped her find her way. I asked Misty what the transition into her little brother's grandparents' home was like.

[00:20:49] Misty: And I must say that any time in life that I've deviated from that moral compass, I shoot myself in the foot. So I had decided that sticking on the moral compass.

[00:21:01] Damon: You're off course and you go, damn, how did I get over here?

[00:21:06] Misty: That one little micro decision.

[00:21:12] Misty: Well, I was really grateful for, my adopted father was really great. He was pretty much like Job. That's someone I would imagine. And he really was a good person. they have both passed away and I'm really grateful that they adopted me.

[00:21:51] Misty: It wasn't just a couple of years wasn't until I got into my mid forties that I really started to. Feel the effects of the [00:22:00] unlearning

[00:22:15] Damon: Tell me what your relationship was like with him and with her.

[00:22:31] Misty: And with her, it was a little challenging because that person just I'm not entirely sure what her, where her intentions lied. And many times he would say, Oh, I'm still with her because she has a heart of gold. Okay. So it, I lived there until I was 17 and then I moved out on my own. So I wasn't there too long.

[00:22:57] Damon: Okay.

[00:23:19] Damon: Yeah,

[00:23:20] Damon: did that because that was our family's experience. We adopted my niece and nephew from a wife's side of the family and they have their own challenges growing up and. There are definitely moments when you think to yourself, wow, what did we get ourselves into? But it's not a giving up. It's just a, like a stark realization.

[00:23:57] Damon: It sounds like it was a solid foundation. [00:24:00] Were there other kids in the home with you?

[00:24:07] Damon: Sure. Yeah.

[00:24:23] Damon: Is your biological brother's father? Yes.

[00:24:30] Damon: Woo, that's a rough one. Very interesting. So you said you how was school for you at 17? You're in a new community, you're in a new family. You've had a lot of change and a lot of challenge.

[00:24:45] Misty: It was. And at the same time, I felt like I navigated it pretty well and I was having a tough time at home. And then I had this great teacher who said, why don't you throw yourself into your studies?

[00:24:56] Misty: Ding winner, chicken dinner.

[00:25:27] Damon: Yeah. They all, they say you're, circle of friends really determines who you are like a five closest people to you. That basically is a summation of who you are, right? If you hang out with a bunch of bums, you're probably the fifth one, right? But if you're surrounded by the children of wealthy people, you're going to get naturally exposed to things that you just wouldn't get exposed to with children of another socioeconomic strata.

[00:25:56] Misty: It gave me a different curiosity, and I must say I was a [00:26:00] loner. Truthfully, I'm still a loner. But it gave me a different perspective of possibilities.

[00:26:20] Damon: Yeah, that's a really important thing for kids is that exposure, right? It's the kind of thing That, when you've got children who are not exposed to say, the sciences and STEM, they don't think to themselves, I could end up being a scientist, I could end up being someone who, travels to space or what have you, the same way that You know the breaking of the mold of the presidential structure in this country, right?

[00:27:08] Damon: That's really cool to hear you got that too.

[00:27:18] Damon: I love that. Say more about that. What does that mean that you are possible? Cause it sounds like you're saying at one point you didn't think you were possible.

[00:27:30] Damon: your own doing.

[00:27:36] Damon: you just felt like it was inevitable.

[00:27:45] Damon: Yeah. I was just wondering, you said that part of the epiphany for you was recognizing that you are possible, that there wasn't this inevitability. I was wondering if you could just say a little bit more about thinking that you were, That you perhaps were not [00:28:00] possible. And you've elaborated on that already, but go ahead.

[00:28:03] Misty: Well, really, I'd love to talk about understanding that I am possible. What I thought was the most beautiful thing is I started studying the things that I really was interested in languages. music, art, dance, science, different things that I really got an opportunity to educate myself and to really work on becoming the kind of person that I personally wanted to be.

[00:28:33] Misty: That's what I was saying in the beginning about locus of control.

[00:28:38] Misty: You don't have to buy into this idea or identity that you were given by your family of origin especially in my case, you really have an opportunity in life if you're willing to do the work and it's a lot of work and sometimes it's extremely painful.

[00:28:59] Damon: I agree. It's [00:29:00] a, this is a challenge that I think many people have is not recognizing the work it takes to get the results you want. And this is true physically, mentally in your heart, right? Healing. Whatever it is, wealth building. I mean, you could just go on and on that.

[00:29:44] Damon: And this is this, I make a joke about this. My wife is in the music industry and there's this thing where we frequently say, Hey, did you hear that new artist on the radio? That's not a new artist. That person has been grinding in bars and at [00:30:00] parties and doing this thing for 10 years before you ever heard of them.

[00:30:19] Misty: a hundred percent. And I still have more work to do. And I'm still working on developing better discipline.

[00:30:26] Damon: Misty said that even though she was a kinship adoptee, she barely had any contact with her family of origin. she didn't speak to her brother until she was 24 and he was 21. Misty didn't speak with her mother at all and has had limited contact with the woman since she had separated herself from her family and maintained her distance both to protect herself.

[00:30:59] Misty: [00:31:00] Well, my mother used to send gifts and packages up to a certain point. And then once I graduated high school, I really didn't reach out to her at all.

[00:31:13] Damon: What was it like to get packages from her?

[00:31:28] Damon: What's incredible. What could she do? That was incredible to me.

[00:31:54] Misty: So. My mother is very good. She's an incredible gardener. I have her to [00:32:00] thank along with my great grandmother for teaching me about plants. It's in my DNA. And I have her to thank for getting interested in cooking and I have her to thank for being interested in growing my own food.

[00:32:24] Damon: But that's really interesting that your roots come to bear in situations of dire need, right? That's really fascinating.

[00:32:37] Misty: So I do have my mother to thank for a lot of the good things that I am able to participate in life, so that was what it was like to get packages from her. I did appreciate the effort that she put into things.

[00:33:06] Damon: She said it was a great time in her life. Later she returned to Utah, lived in a few different places. Then she got married at the age of 19 with all of this travel, learning other cultures and exploring her world independently. I was curious if Misty ever attempted to reconnect with her family of origin.

[00:33:44] Damon: I assumed that revisiting the old house would be a tough reference into old memories. Misty said.

[00:34:01] Misty: really liked the fact that people were more simple. I thought that was very interesting. It was a little strange and I found myself having to have boundaries. And I also found that I was surprisingly stoic. Yes.

[00:34:22] Misty: Well, at the behest of a good friend of mine who suggested that I speak with my mother about things that had gone on at home before going to visit her so that we didn't spend the entire time talking about that.

[00:34:34] Misty: I did do that. So it was much more comfortable.

[00:34:47] Misty: retrospect, it was an escalator to nowhere. I'll let you fill in the blanks on all of that. If

[00:35:12] Misty: Briefly admitted it and then immediately denied it or denied that she said that and it's not really, that person's just not really in a place to Be accountable.

[00:35:23] Misty: I don't expect that.

[00:35:25] Misty: understand. You have to meet people where they're at or just don't meet them.

[00:35:35] Damon: It's not going to, we're not going to get over this. Like, I'm not going to get the open apology that I would like. And she's still my mom. Is that kind of how it was?

[00:35:45] Damon: Yes. Yeah. Radical acceptance. Wow. Wow. So how was the visit then?

[00:36:09] Misty: When we were living out there with no running water or electricity, and that place is beautiful and really I had just suggested to her that, hey, you know, I came to spend some time with you and go and do some fun things together. So, why don't we go do this? And that's what we did. So, turned out.

[00:36:29] Damon: That's really good. It's good you went and did that. Sometimes you have to check the box on some of those things, right? You go there, you do it, you see how it could be, and if it's not really giving you anything, it's a short trip and you're out of there. How was it when she came to see you?

[00:36:44] Damon: Yeah, because now this person is

[00:37:06] Damon: When you say it was not easy for her, what does that mean?

[00:37:24] Damon: Wow. It's an interesting choice of words for an adult.

[00:37:34] Damon: 100%. Yeah. That's really fascinating. And so it sounds like you went. visit her with the intention of you all doing some things like you had the conversation before.

[00:37:46] Damon: to her community, you went to Mirror Lake, like you said, let's just put the past behind us and enjoy the time that we are here in this moment. How was it there for her in your world? Were you able to do any of the same kind of, [00:38:00] let's relax, but it sounds like you, in terms of setting boundaries, there was some issues too.

[00:38:05] Misty: It was a mixture of both. And we did go do some things and one of the things my mother is. agoraphobic. So for her coming to New York city metro area, you can only imagine how she must have felt. And it is a place where people are pretty aggressive by nature because you have to be able to survive here.

[00:38:48] Damon: wouldn't normally smile, huh?

[00:38:53] Damon: Yeah. Really interesting. Really interesting, huh? So where do things stand with you and your various families [00:39:00] now?

[00:39:10] Damon: That's great. May I ask, speaking of relationships, and I don't know much about this, so I'm going to rely on you. But one of the things that I've heard is that both adoptees. And folks who have been traumatized by abuse can have challenges in relationships. Have you found that to be true for yourself in any way?

[00:39:34] Damon: Tell me more about

[00:39:56] Misty: And it was pretty much across the spectrum, clients [00:40:00] romantic relationships, friendships, relationships. I saw little spots here and there of all of those things. And in some ways I didn't care for some of relations, some of the relationships that I really should have when I was younger, because it didn't know what I didn't know.

[00:40:24] Misty: when you recognize why, what you're doing and why you're doing it. That's the moment because that thing of repeating what you know is really deeply embedded in your subconscious and it takes a lot of unlearning to kick that stuff out.

[00:40:42] Misty: I had read that psychologically, 95 percent of what's running the show is your subconscious.

[00:41:03] Damon: Yeah. as you were speaking, I was reflecting on my conversation with Dr. Bruce D.

[00:41:33] Damon: That's the base layer of the coding that you have to, as you said, reprogram over time and it's an ongoing process. It's really fascinating to hear that. What would it look like? I think what I detected from you was you. undernurtured, what could be healthy relationships. Were you also over nurturing unhealthy ones too?

[00:41:56] Misty: I was.

[00:42:00] Misty: it was mostly romantic because the people that I was closest to were those people in the romantic realm. So. I I've spent a lot of time alone now because I really am in a place in life where I want to meet someone who is on the same page with me and is also.

[00:42:21] Damon: And it can be hard to figure out who has done the work that you've done.

[00:42:41] Misty: And dare I say, put some love on it, which is really hard. And when you grow up in a similar situation, like I did, that dark side is formidable. And learning to love that aspect of yourself, the interesting and most key component of being able to do [00:43:00] that is that gives you insight into other people.

[00:43:12] Damon: it's really a truth. It's really interesting. Can you say a little bit more about this piece about understanding your dark side and under, in order to understand others?

[00:43:37] Misty: Sure. It's exactly what you said. You're able to, you're able to see things in others that other people don't see when you're really able to embrace that dark side.

[00:44:04] Misty: So if you're trying to suppress something and you're trying to suppress something, pops out in the, Most unexpected area. And accepting that about those things about yourself. And like I said, it's one of the hardest life exercises I have done, which is loving that aspect of yourself. It really, it becomes your ally and it stops being your enemy.

[00:44:37] Damon: You're actually able to appreciate someone's light because you recognize your own darkness. Like you can see the contrast. That's really fascinating. I have to think about that more, but that is it. That is. I could see that being absolutely true. And I guess to further that you were saying that it's you didn't say embarrassing.

[00:45:05] Misty: That it's shame inducing.

[00:45:19] Damon: That's a shameful place. So I'm seeing your light because of the shame of my past. It was just an interesting triangulation of those components of what you were saying. It was really That's deep.

[00:45:42] Damon: Yeah, I can imagine. It helps you

[00:45:46] Damon: Earlier Misty said that because of her upbringing, She has a more acute awareness of nature. She told me, Albert Einstein said that if you want to understand systems of anything, one should observe nature. Misty [00:46:00] alluded to her childhood growing up in the mountains and her connection to nature on a large and small scale.

[00:46:17] Damon: Can

[00:46:40] Damon: Yeah.

[00:46:53] Damon: that's really cool, Misty. I love it. This was really great. I appreciate you opening up about the [00:47:00] challenges of your childhood, but it's pretty clear the growth that you've had since that time. I mean, absolutely amazing. I love the fact that as a young person, You saw something, even though it was on TV, that clued you in.

[00:47:39] Damon: From a time when you didn't even think you were possible.

[00:47:45] Damon: Yeah.

[00:47:48] Damon: That's incredible.

[00:47:55] Damon: Well, I'm so glad you're here to do it. I'm so glad you were here today to share it.

[00:48:00] Misty: Thank you for having me. I'm happy to share the story.

Closing

[00:48:29] Damon: What was expected of her and her adoptive parents sacrifices to do the best they could to finish raising her Misty practices stoicism a form of cognitive behavioral therapy, a means of coping with the past, Given her early assumptions that she might not be here to tell her story one day. I'm glad Misty learned that she is possible, and I hope you know that you are possible too. I'm Damon Davis and I hope you found something in Misty's journey that [00:49:00] inspired you, validates your feelings about wanting to search or motivates you.