In this episode we explore the cunning and confounding nature of the false self. To know yourself, you must be aware of your false self.

About Josh Kalsbeek, LMFT

• As a Psychoherapist I help people overcome their greatest struggles.

•Founder and CEO of Great Oaks Collective, and it's flagship program Overcome, a 10-Week virtual Intensive Outpatient Program for Christian couples experiencing sexual betrayal and addiction. www.greatoakscollective.com. 

• Sign up to receive my weekly email newsletter, Words of Wisdom. ​

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Links

the ​depths of your darkness​

connection to God​

humbly admitting​ mistakes

seeing ​vulnerability as strength

Henri Nouwen, ​The Way of the Heart​

SAA Fellowship, ​Sex Addicts Anonymous​

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Words of Wisdom 100 on the false self meaningful action.

Part seven.

When considering how to live a life full of the most meaningful choices

possible, it's helpful to consider the different parts of what makes you, you.

Throughout the millennium, from theologians to philosophers, to

psychologists to poets, people have given different frameworks to the idea that

you have both evil and good inside you.

Call it sin the flesh, evil, selfish desires.

When looking inward, you must realize the simple truth that part of the process

of becoming mature is a movement away from evil and moving towards goodness.

But this isn't merely a theory.

This change must be lived, and it starts by seeing the parts within

you that are difficult to admit.

Good psychology and good spirituality go together.

As you discover God, you'll discover more truths about yourself.

Some of these truths about yourself are painfully difficult to acknowledge

because some of these truths are admitting the depths of your own darkness.

As you discover more about yourself, you'll discover more about God.

This is the first two parts of how I most simply define recovery:

connection to God, self and others.

A helpful framework for understanding the dynamics of darkness within you is the

false self and the authentic or true self.

The authentic self is fueled by love, curiosity, belonging, and courage.

The false self is fueled by shame, insecurity, anger and fear.

The false self runs from fear.

It shuns what is difficult to face, the false self hides.

It puts on a mask.

It avoids conflict or responsibility at the cost of its values.

The false self does not reflect deeply on what it wants.

The false self lacks internal unity.

It is "a house divided", as Jesus put it.

The false self can cower and put itself one down from others.

This is a way to try to avoid responsibility or conflict.

It is often fueled by the belief, "I'm not enough", or "I don't have what it takes".

The false self can puff up its chest and act stronger than it is.

It is a charlatan fueled by that same belief of insecurity, insignificance,

and lacking a sense of belonging, it seeks to "fake it until you make it".

And it does this from a place of putting itself in a one-up

position, measuring its success and thinking it is better than others.

It sees its worth only in comparison to a competition based

on envy and a lack of self-worth.

The problem is that the false self believes it's worth is dependent on

what other people think, giving away its own worth to others, and yet never

finding others' affirmations enough.

Seeking value based on what someone else thinks of you can be a black hole.

Whether it is someone who doesn't really know you or someone who is

judging you out of their own wounds.

These people are never pleased and cannot really affirm you.

It is essential to choose carefully who you pay attention to.

It does matter what some people think of you.

Your spouse, your children, those who know you best.

You can know if you're being fueled by shame because

encouragement will feel hollow.

This is because inside you feel hollow, you don't really

feel known, seen or valued.

The false self can overpromise.

It will say what it thinks others want to hear.

One example of this is saying it will do something when there is no intention

to follow through and actually sacrifice to do what the commitment requires.

The false self is a coping mechanism.

It's an attempt to navigate fear, wounds, difficulties and uncertainty.

The false self tries to control outcomes.

The true self shows up, does what it can, and accepts what is out of its control.

The false self is cunning and opposed to being discovered.

It hides and seeks to cover its tracks with false narratives.

The true self lives life in the open, humbly admitting mistakes,

seeing vulnerability as strength.

The false self has itself as the gravitational center of the universe.

Everyone revolves around itself and it fears everyone

because shame is at its core.

Transformation occurs when the false self is replaced with the true self.

This can feel like a kind of recovery, a kind of letting go of lies and

fear-based narratives and saying an inner yes to what is most deeply

true in yourself and in others.

You can have compassion on the false self or you can react against it.

Hold resentment and fuel self-hatred.

If you can choose to be compassionate towards yourself and others who are

wearing a mask, you'll have more peace.

This compassion really blooms in a community that knows you

deeply and gives you compassion.

It shows you what is possible, and all you really need is one person who

sees beneath the mask of your false self for you to begin to find freedom.

The way out of living fueled by your false self is a gentle and honest community,

intentional times of solitude, and slow contemplative prayer.

Quotes.

"Solitude is the furnace of transformation."

By Henry Nouwen in the book The Way of the Heart.

"Many of us take inventory at the end of each day.

As we look back, we note what emotions we have felt throughout that day,

checking whether particular emotions, such as anger or fear took center stage.

We take stock of our attitudes, the things we say to others, and whether

we're taking care of our own needs.

We look at any character defects or old habits that may have revealed themselves.

We consider whether we have harmed anyone and need to make amends.

We also find it helpful to remember the things for which we are grateful

or things we have done well.

Gratitude provides a needed perspective on our problems and helps us feel

connected with our Higher Power.

We ask God's help with the challenges that face us.

While thanking God for the blessings of life and recovery.

From the book, Sex Addicts Anonymous.

Questions.

When is the last time you had a vulnerable conversation where

your darkness was exposed?

In what ways do you wear a mask?

How are you avoiding responsibility?

How are you avoiding your strength?

Are you spending time in silence and solitude?

Use these questions as a journal prompt and prayers this week.

End note.

Solitude leads to authenticity.

Vulnerability leads to breakthrough.

Prayer leads to peace.

Live wisely.