Transcripts
Lecturer,
Speaker:consultant,
Speaker:author,
Speaker:and coach Dr. Karl Albrecht explained in Psychology Today that every
Speaker:conversation is made up of three key elements - .
Speaker:1. Declaratives.
Speaker:2. Questions .
Speaker:3. Qualifiers.
Speaker:Declaratives are simply statements of fact—for example,
Speaker:“The sky is light blue."
Speaker:12 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:28,920 However,
Speaker:to make things more complicated,
Speaker:they aren’t always exactly facts,
Speaker:but opinions that are presented as though they are facts - “Light blue is too
Speaker:weak a color to wear to that job interview."
Speaker:Questions are self-explanatory (although this doesn’t include rhetorical
Speaker:questions that take the grammatical form of a question but are not literally
Speaker:asking the other person to respond—for example,
Speaker:“What is it with this weather today?”).
Speaker:What’s your favorite color?
Speaker:What should I wear to the interview?
Speaker:Finally,
Speaker:qualifiers are something we’ve encountered already and include any words or
Speaker:phrases intended to soften or moderate what is being said.
Speaker:For example - “In my opinion ...” “I’m wondering if ...” “I could
Speaker:be wrong,
Speaker:but as far as I know ...” “I’m not speaking for everyone here,
Speaker:but ...” Qualifiers are also great at helping you express uncertainty or make
Speaker:a claim—but not too strongly.
Speaker:So instead of saying that light blue is a weak color,
Speaker:you could say it might be a slightly weak color.
Speaker:Instead of saying,
Speaker:“Freud was a pervert,” you say,
Speaker:“In my opinion,
Speaker:it may be the case that Freud in fact had a distorted sexuality."
Speaker:38 00:02:01,280 --> 00:02:01,840 Now,
Speaker:Albrecht suggested what he calls the “rule of three."
Speaker:Simply,
Speaker:in a conversation,
Speaker:make sure that you are never making three declarative statements in a row.
Speaker:Instead,
Speaker:include plenty of questions or qualifiers (i.e.,
Speaker:softer and more moderate declaratives)
Speaker:to give your speech a little more flexibility.
Speaker:Crucially,
Speaker:doing so will make sure that the conversation doesn’t become bogged down in
Speaker:ego and narcissism.
Speaker:51 00:02:33,360 --> 00:02:38,480 A question is a way to bat the conversational ball over the net and to the
Speaker:other person,
Speaker:who is then invited to say what they want to before batting the ball back again.
Speaker:A modifier is halfway between a question and a declarative statement—you say
Speaker:what you want to say,
Speaker:but you leave a little room in there for someone else to add what they want to.
Speaker:There is nothing wrong with a declarative per se—but it is the sort of thing
Speaker:that closes off any avenues for connection (beyond bland agreement or outright
Speaker:disagreement,
Speaker:that is—both of which do not actually further the conversation).
Speaker:62 00:03:14,680 --> 00:03:17,400 Try it,
Speaker:and you may be surprised at just how much more your conversations flow—and
Speaker:you’ll come across as more likeable,
Speaker:too.
Speaker:Understanding the rule of three means you won’t soon run out of things to say
Speaker:in any conversation.
Speaker:You can basically never go wrong if you a)
Speaker:ask a question or b)
Speaker:say whatever declarative statement you were just about to say but soften it a
Speaker:qualifier.
Speaker:73 00:03:45,560 --> 00:03:51,760 Consider the following conversation - Person A - I’ve got this really bad
Speaker:shoulder pain ...the physiotherapist says it’s bursitis!
Speaker:Person B - Wow,
Speaker:bursitis?
Speaker:My grandmother had that last year.
Speaker:It’s more common than you think,
Speaker:you know.
Speaker:81 00:04:03,360 --> 00:04:05,680 Person A - Yeah,
Speaker:well,
Speaker:it’s the first I’ve heard of it.
Speaker:Apparently,
Speaker:it was most likely caused by the Covid vaccine.
Speaker:Person B - Well,
Speaker:you have to consider all the possible causes—there are lots of things that
Speaker:could be to blame.
Speaker:It’s actually repetitive strain that causes most cases of bursitis.
Speaker:Person A - Sure,
Speaker:yeah.
Speaker:Anyway,
Speaker:my physiotherapist said it’s an injury that can happen when the needle is
Speaker:placed just slightly in the wrong place ... Person B - A lot of those people
Speaker:giving vaccines didn’t get the right training.
Speaker:Person A - Well,
Speaker:let me tell you,
Speaker:it hurts like hell!
Speaker:Person B - I’m sure.
Speaker:The best thing would be to have plenty of rest,
Speaker:I guess.
Speaker:Now take a look at the above conversation and ask yourself how much you like
Speaker:Person B. They are not being a conversational narcissist in the sense that
Speaker:it’s all me,
Speaker:me,
Speaker:me ...but somehow,
Speaker:their ego seems to loom large in the above exchange.
Speaker:Why?
Speaker:You’ll notice that everything that Person B says is a declarative statement.
Speaker:It gives the conversation a flat,
Speaker:dead feeling.
Speaker:After a declarative,
Speaker:there’s not much to do except agree,
Speaker:disagree,
Speaker:or stop talking.
Speaker:In the extreme,
Speaker:too many declaratives like this can actually make the person seem as though
Speaker:they are lecturing,
Speaker:preaching,
Speaker:or explaining ...i.e.,
Speaker:it can feel very dull and even condescending!
Speaker:Let’s look at a different conversation - Person A - I’ve got this really
Speaker:bad shoulder pain ...the physiotherapist says it’s bursitis!
Speaker:Person C - Wow,
Speaker:bursitis?
Speaker:My grandmother had that last year.
Speaker:It’s more common than you think,
Speaker:you know.
Speaker:130 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,480 Person A - Yeah,
Speaker:well,
Speaker:it’s the first I’ve heard of it.
Speaker:Apparently,
Speaker:it was most likely caused by the Covid vaccine.
Speaker:Person C - Really?
Speaker:That’s interesting.
Speaker:Do you mean you had a bad reaction to something that was in the vaccine?
Speaker:Person A - Actually,
Speaker:no.
Speaker:My physiotherapist said it’s an injury that can happen when the needle is
Speaker:placed just slightly in the wrong place.
Speaker:Person C - Ouch!
Speaker:Well,
Speaker:I may be wrong about this,
Speaker:but I seem to remember reading an article last year about how many volunteers
Speaker:had emergency training to learn to give the vaccine.
Speaker:Maybe the person who jabbed you just wasn’t all that experienced?
Speaker:149 00:06:42,760 --> 00:06:44,240 Person A - Yeah,
Speaker:exactly,
Speaker:that’s what I think too.
Speaker:It’s annoying because it really hurts!
Speaker:Person C - I can imagine.
Speaker:What do you think you’ll do now?
Speaker:Have you got something relaxing planned for the weekend?
Speaker:157 00:06:57,560 --> 00:07:00,080 First,
Speaker:just ask yourself which person—Person B or Person C—you feel is more
Speaker:likable.
Speaker:The two conversations are very,
Speaker:very similar.
Speaker:Both are perfectly acceptable,
Speaker:and there is no offense caused or any major rupture in social etiquette in
Speaker:either one.
Speaker:And yet,
Speaker:even in this short interaction,
Speaker:you can probably see the big difference the rule of three makes and how a
Speaker:person using declaratives one hundred percent comes across so differently from
Speaker:someone using a mix of all three conversational types.
Speaker:Person B likely doesn’t believe themselves to be bad at conversation,
Speaker:but they nevertheless will be perceived as less friendly,
Speaker:less likeable,
Speaker:and somehow less enjoyable to speak to.
Speaker:The effect of such interactions gradually and imperceptibly adds up.
Speaker:Others may not be able to put their finger on why,
Speaker:but they may feel that Person B is a bit boring,
Speaker:stuck-up,
Speaker:rude,
Speaker:or a know-it-all.
Speaker:181 00:08:09,320 --> 00:08:11,280 Crucially,
Speaker:it’s not about the content of what you say.
Speaker:It’s about the emotional implications and the energy in how you say it.
Speaker:185 00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:23,360 Questions convey a sense of openness,
Speaker:possibility,
Speaker:humility,
Speaker:and receptivity.
Speaker:They can be playful and respectful and can demonstrate empathy and compassion,
Speaker:as well as the covert message,
Speaker:“I like you.
Speaker:I’m interested.
Speaker:Tell me more."
Speaker:Qualified statements send a similar message.
Speaker:They say something,
Speaker:but it’s a soft something.
Speaker:They signal to the other person that you are amenable,
Speaker:flexible,
Speaker:and ready to discuss and move with the flow.
Speaker:Declaratives,
Speaker:however,
Speaker:are a little like dead-ends.
Speaker:They are pronouncements made that usually signal the end of conversation rather
Speaker:than its beginning.
Speaker:They position you as a speaker with authority,
Speaker:and the other person as someone who is there primarily to hear this authority.
Speaker:Though there is absolutely a time and place for this energy (giving speeches,
Speaker:setting boundaries,
Speaker:or literally teaching someone)
Speaker:too much of it means you are talking AT rather than talking WITH. In other
Speaker:words,
Speaker:questions and qualifiers open up a little room that invites the other person
Speaker:into the conversation.
Speaker:Declaratives tend to focus only on you and your message,
Speaker:while closing out the other person.
Speaker:217 00:09:20,320 --> 00:09:21,640 “Light blue is such a weak color."
Speaker:Is it?
Speaker:Says who?
Speaker:Literally imagine someone said this to you—can you feel how difficult it is
Speaker:to say anything in response?
Speaker:223 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,760 “Maybe it’s an unpopular opinion,
Speaker:but I’ve never really liked light blue!"
Speaker:Can you see how it’s possible to have a strong opinion but nevertheless frame
Speaker:it as exactly that—an opinion—and leave plenty of space for someone to
Speaker:respond and keep the conversation going?
Speaker:“What’s your favorite color?"
Speaker:A question immediately opens up the conversation and signals that you are
Speaker:willing and able to share airtime,
Speaker:to listen,
Speaker:and to connect.
Speaker:It’s a signal that you are putting your ego aside and making space for
Speaker:connection,
Speaker:and even though it’s subtle,
Speaker:it conveys feelings of appreciation and generosity that are worth their weight
Speaker:in gold.
Speaker:239 00:10:02,920 --> 00:10:05,360 By the way,
Speaker:it’s worth noting that you don’t have to become passive and unopinionated
Speaker:to be more likable.
Speaker:In fact,
Speaker:occasionally saying something obviously outrageous is a great way to inject a
Speaker:little playfulness into a conversation and get things flowing.
Speaker:But note that these declaratives are in a way acting like questions or
Speaker:qualifiers,
Speaker:since they can’t help but draw the other person in.
Speaker:“Oh,
Speaker:I simply cannot wear light blue.
Speaker:It makes my eyeballs itchy just looking at it."
Speaker:“Man,
Speaker:I hate light blue.
Speaker:They should make convicts wear it in prison as punishment."
Speaker:If the rule of three feels tricky to implement at first,
Speaker:don’t worry—it can take time to break bad habits!
Speaker:One easy trick is to literally say whatever you were going to,
Speaker:but add “don’t you think?” to the end of it.
Speaker:“Light blue is such a weak color,
Speaker:don’t you think?"
Speaker:It immediately changes the entire energy and flow of the conversation and takes
Speaker:little-to-no effort on your part.
Speaker:Another trick to try is to simply convert any statement into a slightly
Speaker:softened question.
Speaker:Instead of saying “The blue looks weird,” say “Do you think the blue
Speaker:looks a little off?"
Speaker:267 00:10:59,400 --> 00:11:04,880 If you’re the kind of person who likes to get on a soapbox and bombard people
Speaker:with your strongly held opinions,
Speaker:try to ask yourself why.
Speaker:Being dogmatic and lecturing people and forcefully pushing your opinions on
Speaker:them is not communication,
Speaker:but a roadblock to communication.
Speaker:People can veer toward declarative statements that are opinions dressed up as
Speaker:facts for a few reasons -
Speaker:276 00:11:21,160 --> 00:11:25,840 •We unconsciously think that the purpose of a conversation is to have our
Speaker:needs met and to be heard and seen by someone else .
Speaker:279 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:28,800
Speaker:•We may hold a core belief that we have to broadcast,
Speaker:defend,
Speaker:or force our perspectives and opinions,
Speaker:usually because they have not been appreciated or respected in the past.
Speaker:285 00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:38,000
Speaker:•We are anxious and trying to win validation or appear smart and interesting .
Speaker:The irony is that using the rule of three is something you do for other
Speaker:people—but it’s ultimately something that benefits you.
Speaker:Conversations that are more balanced just flow better and lead to more comfort,
Speaker:trust,
Speaker:enjoyment,
Speaker:and attraction than ones where one or both parties are talking forcefully at
Speaker:the other,
Speaker:who is simply trying to endure it—or waiting for their own turn on the
Speaker:soapbox!
Speaker:297 00:11:56,680 --> 00:11:58,600 You’ll notice as well that this trick works seamlessly with all the other
Speaker:advice we’ve covered so far.
Speaker:The rule of three helps you build rapport,
Speaker:removes barriers to connection,
Speaker:and helps you maintain a communication style that is relaxed and appealing.
