Mari and Trey discuss the five key agreements they hold to ensure a strong marriage: praying together daily, never speaking ill of each other, starting and ending their days together, practicing honesty, and loving each other in their respective love languages. These commitments help build a strong foundation, fostering trust and intimacy in their relationship.

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Hey, I'm your host, Mari Wagner,

and you're listening to the ever be

2

podcast where faith meets lifestyle.

3

I'm so excited you're here, whether you're

a new listener or a longtime follower,

4

I know there's something here for you.

5

Pull up a chair and listen in for

insightful real life conversations

6

and actionable steps on how to claim

the full life God created you for.

7

If you're a woman desiring to live

a Christ centered life in today's

8

modern world, then this is for you.

9

Welcome to Ever Be.

10

mari_7_11-19-2024_163822: Hey babe.

11

Hey, how's it going?

12

Good.

13

It's been a good week.

14

Yeah.

15

Yeah.

16

We've been home finally for

like the last few weeks, which

17

is a rarity for us these days.

18

Yeah.

19

We've been traveling

quite a lot this summer.

20

Yeah.

21

This summer and fall were

really crazy with travels.

22

And I think we counted up like, I think

you'd said 11 or something like that in

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like the span of a few months, 10, 11,

something like that in like three months.

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Yeah.

25

July.

26

So that was pretty crazy.

27

And starting the first week of

November, we were finally home

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for a few weeks and no, no, no.

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Sorry.

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For a few months.

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Um, yeah.

32

So we're home all through

the holidays up until seek.

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And I just can't tell you how rested I

feel and how just like at peace and happy

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I feel just to be home for a few months.

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It's been a big thing.

36

Peace and order balance.

37

Yes.

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That's what you're all about.

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It's what I'm all about these days.

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Peace, order and balance, because

I've just realized if you don't

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have those things, then it's

chaos in your heart and your soul.

42

Three months.

43

Yes.

44

Our last three months

were literally chaos.

45

But, um, Peace is good,

but chaos is a little fun.

46

It's fun at times.

47

Sometimes.

48

No, it is fun sometimes, but I think

for us, like we've just been in that

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season of chaos for like a few years.

50

And I think I've, I like actually

truly reached kind of a burnout

51

point where I was like, I am done.

52

I'm done with the chaos.

53

I'm done with like running

around, traveling everywhere,

54

even though it sounds super

fun and it was for a long time.

55

But I think I just like, yeah,

really needed some time just to be

56

home and just attend to our home.

57

And I think that brings me back to

order because, which I know is not even

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what we're talking about today, but.

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Just a shout out to this

because it's been on my mind.

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Just a shout out to peace in

order because it's been on my

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mind, but God actually made a

hierarchy of like priorities for us.

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Like what he created us for was

firstly to know and love and serve him.

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And then to like be in our vocation

and tend to our vocation and then to

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To tend for our work and so when those

things are out of order, I have literally

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physically felt the stress and the chaos

that comes with that as much as we feel

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like we need to do something right now

and it's out of order, whether it's like

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we're putting off time with the Lord or

we're tending to our work before we're

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tending to our vocation for, in our

case, like our spouse, it feels like.

69

We just have to do it to be more

productive, but in the end it

70

actually doesn't leave you feeling

fulfilled and satisfied and full.

71

Um, so yeah, so that's

what I've been learning.

72

I'm, I'm just like so happy because I

actually get to be home and practice

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just like a well ordered life that

I've been wanting to for awhile.

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And, um, I talked to a little bit

about it on Instagram this week, but.

75

I think I'm going to have to do a

podcast episode about it because I

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just feel like I have more to say.

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And I got so many responses on,

yeah, on my stories about it.

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And so I know it's, yeah, I talked

about it twice this week and both

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times I got a ton of responses.

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And so I feel like it's just

a conversation that like

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young wives really relate to.

82

And, you know, Want to dive into more.

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I think everybody can relate to wanting

more peace and balance in their life.

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Yes, and wanting practical ways to

actually execute and help you get there.

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Yes, you can talk it and you can plan

it, but that's what we talk about all the

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time like a discipline to actually do.

87

Yes.

88

Is the hardest part.

89

Yeah, like actually doing

the work is the hardest part.

90

And I guess that leads

us into our combo today.

91

It's about marriage, uh, marriage.

92

Surprise, surprise.

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We're back talking about

God centered marriage.

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It's kind of what we do around here.

95

Um, and it's no, Secret that marriage

takes work, you hear that a lot.

96

And if you're married, you experience it.

97

However, if you commit to, um, if you

just like make commitments in your

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marriage that are rooted in faith,

genuine love for each other, like

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the true sense of the word love.

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And respect, then you're going to create

a strong marriage that's hard to shake.

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Yeah.

102

So what are we talking about today?

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It's a few, maybe five non

negotiable commitments, agreements.

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How do you title it?

105

The title I chose was five

agreements we hold to.

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To keep a strong marriage.

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So these are kind of like five rules

that we live by in our marriage.

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And I didn't want to call them rules

because they're agreements that we make

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to each other to keep a strong marriage

and to keep a healthy thriving marriage.

110

And it's not saying that.

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We're perfect at all of these,

but it's just something that

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like, we've agreed to that.

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These are very important things

that build our, like that put our

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marriage on a strong foundation.

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So what's number one?

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Number one is we pray together daily.

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So we've talked about this

on another podcast episode on

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praying together as couples.

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Yeah.

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And how it looks at practically, uh,

do you want to go to the practicals

121

first or do you want to do?

122

Like why it's an important thing.

123

You can do the why and

then we can do practicals.

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Okay.

125

Well, why is the most important

relationships you have in your life

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are your relationship with God and

your relationship with your spouse

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and Praying together is a way to do

both Simultaneously and it's like

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burying your heart and your soul to God

with your spouse or your significant

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other and It's extremely powerful.

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It's, it's intimate.

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And so it builds intimacy

in your relationship.

132

Uh, but it's also very powerful.

133

I mean, the devil hates

marriages and holy marriages.

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And so like praying together, builds a

holy marriage, builds a holy marriage.

135

It, uh, roots your marriage in faith.

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It roots yourself in faith.

137

Uh, and it, Builds up

defenses against evil one.

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And then it just like allows

you to intercede for each other

139

and to really be like a good

strong support for one another.

140

Yeah.

141

Yeah.

142

I mean, I would say like prayer

is what helps keep faith as

143

a foundation to our marriage.

144

And that's first and foremost,

most important to us.

145

And the way I look at it, It takes

three to have a God centered marriage

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yourself, your spouse and the Lord.

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And if you're not inviting the

Lord into your marriage, then

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it's going to be really hard to

have a good God centered marriage.

149

Because again, you're not

including the most important

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factor into this relationship of

you, the Lord, and your spouse.

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And so praying every day allows

us to really primarily, uh, root

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our relationship as spouses, is.

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In our relationship with the Lord

together, and like you said, at

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the beginning, marriage is hard.

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It takes a lot of work.

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Sanctification is hard.

157

It takes a lot of work.

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Those things we can do on our own.

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Yeah, we need grace and prayer

is a true, like, practical way

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to receive sacramental grace.

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So practically, how does

that look for us, Mari?

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Praying together.

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Just real quick.

164

. Oh.

165

Um, we pray together

every night before bed.

166

And that's kind of more of

like a freestyle prayer.

167

So, listening to your intentions

or praying for anything

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that either of us needs.

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Praying for other people.

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Um, praying on Thanksgiving.

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Um, praying the rosary.

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We also pray the rosary together.

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We try and do that as often as

possible together and that's kind

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of like the primary ways we do it.

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Most routine ways.

176

Uh, yeah.

177

But then there's the one offs where

we'll pray a scripture, we'll pray

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a scripture, do like say together or

if one of us is struggling or just

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like want some intercession or like

if one of us is feeling very stressed

180

out, uh, we'll ask that person like

pray with us or if we're sick, we'll

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ask the other person to pray with us.

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Yeah.

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Classic intercessory prayer.

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The other thing too that I think is

important, and I know we've talked about

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it a lot in our relationship, is that

the habits we build now are habits we're

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going to have for our whole marriage

and the habits we're going to have

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like in our family as we continue to

grow our family and have kids one day.

188

And we want our kids to understand.

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Learn to pray we want our kids to see

their parents praying And so building

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this habit now as a couple just as

spouses is going to allow us to just

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make it like a Regular routinely part

of our family life and of our home life

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And so then when we introduce kids into

the picture, we're able to pass this on.

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Um to our children Yeah,

that's a great point.

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second agreement?

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Yes.

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Number two is we never

speak ill of each other.

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So I think that a lot of the

times in the secular world, you

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see this more, I feel like than

in Christian circles, but I mean.

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You can't exclude christian

circles from this.

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Um, we're all human None of us are

perfect and sometimes we you know are

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tempted to talk badly about our spouse

um, and it can be easy to do that because

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like we said marriage isn't hard and

sometimes you might even use the excuse

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as Like you're just venting, you know

to your friends about how hard marriage

204

is However, we've made the agreement the

commitment to each other to just never

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talk badly about each other um to anybody

really because that does not build up

206

a marriage that breaks down a marriage.

207

No.

208

And I think that's something that

you've talked a little bit about

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this kind of culture on social

media of poking fun at your spouse.

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Mm-Hmm.

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. And like, that's not, that's

not building up your spouse.

212

Mm-Hmm.

213

. Um, and then especially it is easy to,

like when I'm with the guys or when Mari's

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with the girls, like, I mean, we hear.

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Like, I feel like it's very common to hear

people like complain about their boss or

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complain about like something like they're

gossiping or coming up with some drama.

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And it's very easy to let that

continue into like complaining and

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gossiping about the problems in your

marriage or the things your spouse are

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doing that are really annoying you.

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And so, yeah, like there is.

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You know, a time and place where

good holy community, it's good

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to have like conversations.

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If you need to get something off

your chest and to like process

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something with a really good friend.

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But, uh, as a general practice, like

we're not going to be just speaking ill

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of the other while, like when I'm with the

boys, I'm not going to be talking about.

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How, you know, like what

the things that Mari's doing

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that's really bugging me today.

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Yeah.

230

Yeah.

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And I think that this helps really build

and like foster like trust with each other

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and just a deep admiration for each other.

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Like just to always live out of a

place of admiration and that when we.

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Talk about our spouse with other people.

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Only goodness comes out and

only really praise comes out.

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And that's not to like hide our

imperfections and like come off as if

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we have no problems, but it's truly

just out of respect for your spouse

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and out of respect for your marriage.

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And with that, obviously we don't have

kids yet, but we want to make sure that

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we build that habit so that we're not

venting to our children about each other,

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each other, like that's really unhealthy.

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So yeah.

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Uh, definitely don't

want to be doing that.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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What's number three?

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We start and end our days together.

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This is something that

Mari especially loves.

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I do.

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You're like Mari's favorite parts

of her day are going to sleep

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next to me, waking up next to me.

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Those are her two

favorite parts of her day.

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It is.

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And I waited a long time to go

to bed with you every day and

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wake up next to you every day.

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And so three and a half years in

a marriage, it is still one of my

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favorite parts of my day, if not

my very favorite part of the day.

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And this is something that I

wouldn't say is necessarily like

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a make or break for all couples.

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Like some people's lifestyles

just don't allow for this.

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I am really grateful that ours does

and that we have just made that agree.

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And that we've just made that

commitment to each other to

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start and end our days together.

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Um, it could be easy to just

be like, Hey, I'm tired.

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I'm going to head up to bed, you know,

or just like, Oh, I'm going to stay up

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working and I'm going to go out with

the guys super late and, you know, you

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go ahead to bed and, um, and whatever.

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And yeah, there are days when maybe, like,

you get up a little bit earlier to go work

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out in the gym or something like that.

270

But most of the time, I feel

like when we're starting and

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ending our days together.

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It's solidifying just like our daily

life as a married couple and just that

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like we're ending the day in gratitude in

prayer with each other, like acknowledging

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our relationship, like having a second

to like check in and just have like

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a daily, like, how was your day?

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How are you doing?

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You know, love you prayer.

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Good night.

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And then like, start the day together,

like tackle the day together.

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You know, I love when you like lean over

and like, give me a kiss, good morning.

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And like, we get out of bed and

like, we're able to get out of

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bed together and start our day.

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Whereas like, if we went to bed at

different times or woke up at different

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times, I feel like for me personally,

there would just be kind of like a

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sense of like loneliness or just like.

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It's just, it just doesn't feel right.

287

You know, like if I'm married,

like I don't want to go to bed at

288

a different time than my husband.

289

Like I want to end my day with my husband.

290

I think the two things that I was thinking

about while you're sharing was one,

291

to build the unity as a spouse or as a

couple, especially going to bed together

292

and then two, It provides a space for,

uh, one just conversation and connecting.

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Yeah.

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Apple.

295

Um, if one of us goes up to bed

before the other, then you're

296

missing out on, like, you already

provide the other and then just like

297

decompressing your day, connecting and

conversation, just you to, uh, embed.

298

And then, uh, three.

299

Well, I guess there's two more.

300

Three is it provides a space for prayer.

301

Like if you're going up to bed at

different times, then it's going to

302

be, it would be very difficult to pray

together at night or in the morning.

303

And that is, it's just like the

easiest thing to do is just pray

304

together when you go to bed.

305

And so, but the first step is you

have to go to bed at the same time.

306

And then lastly, it does keep the

window open for more opportunities.

307

Intimate.

308

Yes.

309

For intimacy.

310

For intimacy.

311

Yeah, exactly.

312

Which is so important in a marriage.

313

And like, not very many times

are you able to just do it in the

314

middle of the day with each other.

315

And so like night and the evening

when you're coming together and you're

316

connecting emotionally, spiritually,

and then also, uh, physically.

317

Yeah.

318

I love that.

319

That's why we love

ending our day together.

320

Okay.

321

Commitment number four.

322

We believe that honesty

is the best policy.

323

Yeah.

324

I'm a fan of this in all my relationships.

325

This is a must.

326

It has to be for a marriage.

327

Um, yes.

328

So basically this just

means exactly what it is.

329

We choose to be honest with

each other at all times.

330

We choose to say.

331

What we're feeling not play mind games

with each other and truly not shove things

332

under the rug I think there's a time

and place to choose when to bring things

333

up But if something actually is hurting

us or bothering us or you know We don't

334

agree with or whatever We'll kindly bring

it up to each other and it's usually not

335

some like, we usually won't just like let

things pile up and pile up until we blow

336

up and then like have to unload because

we believe that continually just keeping a

337

conversation or just keeping like a spirit

of transparency in our conversations

338

and in our relationship is just going

to lead to To healthier marriage.

339

Because we're constantly

communicating with each other

340

exactly what we're feeling.

341

Yeah.

342

And my favorite part about this

agreement is the no mind games.

343

Like if you want something,

say that that's what you want.

344

If you don't want something, like we

tell you to like, that's not what we

345

want, we want something different.

346

And it's not like I'm asking Mari if

she wants me to buy this thing for her

347

and she's saying no, but she actually

doesn't want me to get it for her, but

348

she's telling me no, uh, or if like

I'm cooking food and she is not going

349

to tell me that she doesn't want that.

350

And so then she's just unhappy

and hangry because she didn't get

351

to eat what she wanted to eat.

352

Uh, then it's just.

353

Or, or more like, or more like serious

examples, like, you know, if you do

354

something often that bugs me, I'm not

going to be like, Oh no, it's fine, babe.

355

I'm fine.

356

You know, that didn't bother me.

357

It's okay.

358

Like just to be like a people pleaser,

kind of just to kind of just not want

359

to or not people pleaser, but like to

avoid confrontation, I think this is

360

where the biggest pitfall is with people.

361

This commitment can be

really hard because.

362

A lot of people don't like confrontation

and I think the reality is that

363

confrontation doesn't have to be

an aggressive argument It can just

364

be an honest Candid conversation.

365

And this is like, honesty is avoided

a lot because people think it's

366

going to lead to a big argument.

367

Yeah.

368

And that's, I mean, I'll tell you

right now, I think any man can say

369

this has been in a relationship.

370

Like if a girl is saying I'm fine, like

371

then they're fine.

372

Like that is the expectation.

373

Like if you're communicating with

your words, that you're fine and

374

you're actually not, then you're

setting your man up for failure and

375

you can't expect anything different.

376

Yes.

377

And so like, be honest with.

378

Your husband or your significant

other, like, if you're not

379

fine, tell 'em and tell 'em why.

380

Uh, we're not mind readers.

381

We can't get in there and

figure out what's wrong.

382

I think Yeah.

383

Being honest with the other about

like what you're actually feeling.

384

Exactly what you said.

385

Yeah, and I think the way you worded

that was really beautiful because I don't

386

feel like i've heard that often like

choose honesty Because why would you

387

want to set your spouse up for failure?

388

Why would you want to lead them to

believe something that's not true?

389

That's just going to cause

confusion and conflict.

390

And those just aren't of the Lord.

391

Totally.

392

Honestly, it's the best policy.

393

And last one, number five.

394

Is we choose to love each other

and each other is love languages.

395

This is a big one.

396

This is one that we like learned

right off the bat, right as soon as

397

we got married, it was like one of

the first like hard lessons we learned

398

that led to this agreement to like

really make an effort to love each

399

other and each other's love languages.

400

So if you haven't done the love

languages, look up five long love

401

languages and it's basically like

the different ways that people.

402

Feel loved the most and

most naturally give love.

403

Usually those are correlated, I would say.

404

And so it's acts of service,

physical touch, quality, time,

405

words of affirmation and gifts.

406

And my top love language is physical

touch, which means that I feel most loved

407

when I'm hugged or kissed or like somebody

like, you know, it rubs my shoulder or.

408

Just like there's any other point of,

like, physical contact that, like,

409

makes me feel, like, seen and loved.

410

Yeah.

411

And so, similarly, it's also

the way you give love the most.

412

Yes.

413

Because, I mean, it's natural.

414

That's the way that you receive love.

415

And you have an urge to show love

and affection, like you go, you do

416

that in the physical way because

that's the way that you receive it.

417

And then my love language, my

top one is acts of service.

418

And so, uh, I receive love very well when

people are performing acts of service

419

for me so that I don't have to do them.

420

That's also the way that I give love.

421

And so I'll be doing the dishes or.

422

cleaning up something or taking the

trash out or doing chores, like, or

423

driving or going on my way to pick

something up, like finding ways

424

to serve as a way of showing love.

425

And so a lot of times when I

feel like the inclination, like,

426

Oh my gosh, like I love you.

427

I want to love you.

428

You know, get up and clean up the kitchen

and this or you'll like get up and like,

429

Bring me my water or like, you know,

if like I'm on the couch or something,

430

I feel like that's like a, like nobody

likes getting off the couch, you know?

431

I'm like, that's a little way

to do like an active service.

432

I feel like, you know, if I'm

on the couch, I'm like, babe,

433

can you please remove my water?

434

Getting off the couch and doing that.

435

Exactly.

436

And so this really became a challenge

in our marriage early on is.

437

I kept thinking, especially like

in the mornings, I would wake up

438

early and make breakfast for us both

and, uh, or at nights after dinner,

439

I'd get up and start cleaning up

the kitchen and doing the dishes.

440

And, but, and so I was like giving love,

but it wasn't being received by Mari.

441

She was in that way.

442

In that way.

443

She was like, Oh, like he

just has to do the dishes.

444

Like we have to do the dishes.

445

So we're going to do the dishes.

446

Uh, but she would have.

447

Rather, I stayed in bed a little bit

longer and cuddled her in the morning

448

before I got up and made breakfast.

449

Or after we cooked dinner, I laid

on the couch with her and cuddled

450

her and watched TV show instead

of doing the dishes right away.

451

And so, uh, it turned out that

like, I was trying to give love

452

to Mari, but was like missing the

area that she was receiving love.

453

And so, she wasn't actually

feeling that loved by me.

454

Even though I kept thinking, wow, I'm

doing all these things that love you,

455

but you weren't actually like receiving

it as well as you would have if I

456

just chose physical touch instead.

457

Yeah.

458

And I mean, it went the other way as well.

459

Like I felt an inclination

to like love my husband.

460

So I would go and like give him a big

hug or give him a kiss or like ask to

461

cuddle or just, you know, like, Just

like try and be physically close to

462

him and like show my love in that way.

463

And many times I learned he would

have felt more loved if I took the

464

time to clean the kitchen or to

do something for him that would

465

have taken it off his workload.

466

And that would have gone a longer way

than like stopping him to like give

467

him a hug or something like that.

468

Yeah.

469

And so it ends with both parties feeling

like trying really hard to love the other.

470

It's all in good intention.

471

But then We're almost just

like missing each other.

472

Yeah.

473

And it's frustrating and it's frustrating

because like, you're continually feeling

474

like, I'm trying to love my spouse.

475

I'm trying to love my spouse.

476

And it's like so defeating to hear,

like, I wish you would have done this.

477

You know, like, I don't feel as loved

because I'm not receiving love in the way

478

that I most naturally receive love best.

479

So the challenge here is choosing

their love language over yours.

480

And the times when we have really pressed

into that, I feel like we see fruits

481

in our marriage and we see a deeper

connection and just like a closeness and

482

a deeper appreciation in our marriage

because we're acknowledging like.

483

We're, we're doing the hard thing not

to love how we would want to be loved.

484

And maybe, maybe it's like a bigger

effort, you know, like for me

485

personally, like it feels better to

give you a hug than to do the dishes.

486

And so for me, it's like a stretch to

be like, okay, I want to love Trey.

487

I'm not going to ask him to like cuddle on

the couch and like spend time like that.

488

I'm actually just going to like go and

like make the bed or something like that.

489

Yeah, exactly.

490

Choosing the other over yourself and

choosing their love language over yours.

491

And essentially that's love is choosing

the good of the other over yourself.

492

Exactly.

493

So something that we are learning

and getting better at and.

494

I would encourage you to

take the love language test.

495

It's like a quiz online and yeah,

figure out what yours and your spouse's

496

languages are and we can put it in the

show notes and learn to love the other.

497

And there's, yeah, there's a book too.

498

It's super short.

499

I read it in like a day on a retreat.

500

It's so short.

501

So.

502

You could read that.

503

And then I think actually, um, I saw

this, but I didn't really actually do it.

504

They have an app that you can

download and you can input what

505

your spouse's love languages or what

your friends love languages are.

506

And it'll like ping you like a

couple of times a week, like time

507

to walk the dog, you know, love

your spouse, clean the kitchen.

508

Like, did you make the bed today?

509

Or like, The other way around, like,

have you hugged your wife today?

510

Like it, it pings you like notifications

to like remind you in case that like, it's

511

not something you naturally think about.

512

One, of course I have an app.

513

Of course they have.

514

Why wouldn't they?

515

And that's even better that they found

a way to make the app actually useful.

516

I know.

517

I feel like it would be really useful.

518

Well, too bad.

519

I'm too good at loving you.

520

I don't know.

521

Just kidding.

522

Yeah.

523

Yeah.

524

Yeah.

525

All right, so those were the five

agreements that we have seen a

526

lot of fruit from in our marriage.

527

We hope that this blesses your marriage.

528

Any closing thoughts, Mari?

529

Yeah, I think just a

word of encouragement to.

530

Newlywed couples out there.

531

I know that we have a lot of

like newlywed couples tuning in.

532

And I mean, what is newlywed?

533

I feel like young marriages is like

the first, like five years, you're

534

still considered like a newlywed.

535

And basically I just want to say like.

536

Those first few years, like, are meant

to learn how to be a good spouse.

537

I remember, like, within our

first year of marriage, I went to

538

spiritual direction and I, like,

talked to my spiritual director.

539

I was like, what's going on?

540

Like, you know, and our first year of

marriage wasn't even that hard, I think.

541

But there were just some things that I

was like, why are we fighting about this?

542

Or like, why does he do this?

543

Or like, why don't I do this well?

544

And I thought, yeah, I'm

like, and I was worried.

545

I'm like, it's only our

first year of marriage.

546

Like this is when it should be so easy.

547

Like we should be so good at this.

548

And my spiritual director was actually

like, no, actually, if you were,

549

Struggling with these things or like

not good at loving your spouse in

550

these ways 10 years in, then I would be

concerned, but he's like, of course, you

551

guys aren't good at being married yet.

552

Or, of course, there's just like a lot

of things that you're learning about

553

how to love each other better and how

to be a good wife or about how to be a

554

good husband because you've never been

one and you've only been a wife for.

555

Nine months, one year,

two years or whatever.

556

And there's a lifetime ahead of you.

557

And so I know that like, there's

just like a fairy tale, you know,

558

standard of like that newlywed bliss.

559

And there is totally a

newlywed bliss that comes.

560

And it is just like a beautiful

feeling to like, start off your years

561

together when you first get married.

562

But also let's just normalize the fact

that marriage takes work and that those

563

first few years, you're learning how to be

a good wife and how to be a good husband.

564

And so, Work hard on your marriage Know

that like you're not perfect We're not

565

perfect and that's just what these first

few years of marriage are and honestly

566

all the years of marriage There's probably

going to be so many seasons of stretching

567

and growth um, but I hope that these

commitments that we hold to each other

568

that we shared with you today could be a

source of encouragement and inspiration

569

of Ways that you can pour into your

marriage and center it around christ.