Sam's Club basically runs how we live now — people are literally putting garage doors straight into their pantries so they can unload bulk like it’s a sport. So we barreled through a Morning 6-Pack of the six things you should only ever buy at Sam’s Club (yep, we’re being dramatic and proud). I riff on how bulk shopping forces you to add fridges, chest freezers, and industrial shelving to your house plan, and why losing reading glasses is apparently a regional pastime. We tease a few no-brainers — rotisserie chickens, Goldfish, a giant ibuprofen tub — and joke about buying paper towels like you’re prepping for the apocalypse. Stick around for the top spot — I’m not giving that away, but it’s gloriously ridiculous and worth the trip.

Takeaways:

• I quip that Sam's Club basically changes house design — think pantry doors, extra fridges, and loading docks.
• We put Halloween candy on the list: buy huge bags for trick-or-treaters and secretly hoard the good stuff.
• I rave that Sam's Club rotisserie chickens beat grocery prices so badly it feels like culinary highway robbery.
• We recommend stocking up on practical junk — four-packs of reading glasses and giant Goldfish tubs are household essentials.
• I tease a wild finale surprise you gotta hear yourself — I’m not about to spoil the top pick.

Hey, it's haystack.

And Sam's Club has essentially reached the point where it doesn't just influence what and how people buy.

It influences how people live and how they build houses.

I mentioned yesterday morning, people are putting these little doors from their garage into their.

Directly into their pantry.

And nationwide, they're calling them Costco doors so they can unload, you know, bulk groceries and stuff directly into the pantry.

Of course, around here, it's a Sam's Club door, not a Costco door.

And around northwest Arkansas, buying in bulk isn't just shopping.

It's essentially infrastructure.

I mean, you don't go to Sam's Club and buy paper towels.

You.

You buy enough paper towels to survive the zombie apocalypse.

You don't buy ketchup.

You buy a big enough container of ketchup that it takes two hands to use and maybe a permit.

And when you become a serious Sam's Club shopper, it really changes your whole house, doesn't it?

I mean, you get to a point where you kind of need a second refrigerator and a chest freezer.

You need industrial shelving, a pantry big enough to supply a church camp.

And eventually someone's just going to say, can we put a loading dock in.

In the garage?

Because warehouse shopping has one fundamental problem, and that's that you save a lot of money per unit, but you got to figure out where to put 48 units.

And that got me to thinking, which I know is dangerous around here.

You know, if we're designing houses specifically for, like, serious Sam's Club shoppers, what items?

As we think about it, what items should you absolutely only buy at Sam's Club?

All right, here we go.

These are the top six things you should always buy at Sam's Club and never, ever buy anywhere else.

Number six, Halloween candy.

I mean, you buy the cheap stuff for the trick or treaters and the good stuff for yourself, but get all your Halloween candy at Sam's Club.

Number five, a four pack of reading glasses.

You know, so you can leave one in the kitchen, one in the truck, one in the bathroom and still lose all of them by Tuesday.

Not that I speak from personal experience.

Coming in at number four, rotisserie chickens.

Of course.

I mean it.

What?

4.99.

It's cheaper to buy three rotisserie chickens at Sam's Club than to buy a single raw chicken breast at the grocery store.

Coming in at number three, goldfish crackers.

Absolutely.

A single box will last you a month, maybe two.

Unless you smoke weed, in which case it'll last you a day, maybe two.

Coming in at number two, a 500 count tub of ibuprofen so that you can get through the Hong football season.

And the number one thing you should absolutely only ever buy at Sam's Club, $50 hot dogs.

Because going to Sam's Club and not getting a $50 hot dog is like going to a gentleman's club and not getting to see Hoo Hoo.