In this episode of "Life is a Circus," host Stacy Yardley explores the significance of setting boundaries, particularly through her experiences as an 18-year-old circus performer. Stacy reflects on her past relationships that lacked boundaries, resulting in heartbreak and valuable lessons. She highlights the impact of boundaries on self-worth, professional life, and emotional well-being. Stacy shares four key tips for setting effective boundaries. Whether you're an entrepreneur or an aspiring leader, her tales of missteps and hard-won lessons serve as a powerful reminder that seeking love and validation externally can lead to a rocky path. Embark on this journey with Stacy and learn how solid boundaries can transform your personal and professional life.

Resource Stacy mentioned in today's episode:

The Better Boundaries Masterclass Series https://bit.ly/BetterBoundariesMasterclass

Stacy Yardley is a Certified Life Coach and Transformation Catalyst specializing in guiding women in business to create more joy, self fulfillment, and satisfied life. Her work includes working with high performance women to create better boundaries, release perfectionism and breakthrough imposter syndrome through self mastery. Drawing from her experience as a former professional circus showgirl, Stacy is passionate about empowering individuals to realize their dreams and unlock their inner potential. Through empathy and intuitive guidance, Stacy helps women harness their personal power to achieve greater well-being and thrive in all aspects of their lives. Based in Vancouver, WA, Stacy enjoys exploring hiking trails, preparing fresh vegan meals, and cherishing moments with loved ones in her free time.  

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Are you someone who continually overrides logic and reason a lets your emotions dictate your decisions more than you Life to admit? As I reflect on my whirlwind 1st week in a circus at the young age of 18, one vital lesson stood out starkly, the profound impact of boundaries or rather the lack thereof when it came to my social life. Join me on today's episode as I take you through a journey where I a the hard way that without strong boundaries, seeking love and acceptance outside of oneself can lead to a tumultuous path of heartbreak and self discovery. If you're someone who struggled with boundaries, this is an episode for you. Let's dive in. Welcome to Life is a circus. So let's step into self mastery, where we explore the balancing act of unlocking your inner potential while navigating life's chaos. I'm Stacy Yardley, your host, a former circus showgirl turned transformational life coach. If you're juggling multiple roles or responsibilities and feeling like life is a circus, you are in the right place.

Join me each week for captivating tales from my circus days and insights on realizing your dreams. Whether you're an entrepreneur, business owner, or an aspiring leader, this podcast is your guide to self mastery. So grab your top hat, and let's step into the greatest show of all, the circus of life. Ready to embark on this transformative journey together? Let's begin. It's amazing how time flies within the confines of circus life. Sunday was upon us, and I had officially hit the 1 week mark of being in Florida, and already so much had transpired. We were beginning to build the new show of a lifetime, and I was met with various challenges to overcome. I was also trying to find my place within this new community of people that was quickly becoming multifaceted.

My heart longed for connection, and I was longing to be held, to feel safe and comforted is I traversed the professional and personal terrain I was navigating. One element of circus life that is different from the rest of the world is that we lived, worked, and traveled together. So finding a relationship on the show could potentially make life a lot more fun and exciting, or it could also make it more difficult because there was no escaping any drama that unfolded along the way. Rumors spread like wildfire in this contained environment, so it made sense that my roommate, Nicole, would warn me early on to be careful about who I got involved with. But even with that warning still fresh in my mind, my hormones, combined with my loneliness, were often a driver in a lot of my behavior. Men from all around the world of various cultures were a part of our circus family. And for a girl who was attracted to the athletic type, there was an abundance of eye candy to partake in daily. Of course, one could say a the opposing gender's perspective that I too was a part of the bounty of beauty.

Here, I was a young, naive 18 year old, beautiful young woman, vulnerable in the ways of the world and a desire to be loved, and was quickly realizing what Nicole meant with her warning. It didn't take long before I began to develop an attraction to a particular performer who was from Guatemala, and I found out the feelings were mutual. As I began to act on this mutual attraction, things got hot and heavy pretty fast. Heeding Nicole's warning, I told myself I didn't wanna rush into anything with anyone on the show, so I had to use a lot of self control in order to not go too far too fast, and it wasn't easy. It didn't take long, though, for me to realize the language barrier combined with some other behaviors that didn't sit right with me weren't something I wanted to endure, so I quickly lost interest and moved on. My focus then went to my attraction to another man who was also showing interest in me. This one was significantly older than me and the complete opposite of the other. This man was tall, with blonde hair and blue eyes, and a party dude of sorts that reminded me a lot of the surfer type back home.

He had a playful demeanor about him, and even though he was 30 years old, I was quickly becoming smitten with him. And the attraction was mutual, and it was quickly becoming apparent. The more time I spent around him, the more the flirting increased. He began to make hints about the mutual attraction that was building. A one night, while partying even went so far as to unhook my bra through 2 shirts while brushing my back. This should have been my first clue and a red flag that this guy was trouble for me. That and the fact that he had a girlfriend who wasn't yet on the show, but was apparently planning to join it soon to be the nanny. And even though I knew this, I still couldn't help but feel an intense attraction towards him.

Then one night, I was invited out to a bar with him and his crew that performed together. I was only 18 years old, but because I was with a bunch of older circus people, I was never questioned on my age or carded by the bartender. After way too many drinks and a lot more flirting, we ended up going back to the train and spending the night together. And while I went into it with my eyes wide open, knowing I may get my heart broken and that it wasn't the right thing to do, it didn't seem to matter at the time. I wanted to follow my desires more than my logic and reason for not getting involved with anyone, especially someone with a girlfriend. It's funny, and yet not funny to me, how we can be so aware sometimes of the areas in which we can easily trip and fall a yet still go there. It's self sabotage at its finest. I know now why I behaved the way I did.

And while I'd like to say that this was the only incident where this kind of behavior unfolded, it wasn't. And it had its painful consequences as a result, which you'll learn more about as time goes on. But for now, I'd like to a point out the obvious that wasn't so obvious to me then. And that is that at the time and so many times since, I was looking for comfort, love, and a sense of worth outside of myself. I believed that if a man wanted me, then I was worth something. In reality, if I had had a stronger sense of self or self esteem and self worth at the time, there's no way I would have made myself so available to men who just wanted to use me. You may be wondering what happened. Did this relationship continue to develop? Yes.

In fact, it did over the next month or so. We would continue to party like rock stars and live life on the edge as we gave in to our attraction for one another. It's crazy to me now to think I was only 18 years old, almost 19, getting intimately involved with a 30 year old man. There was even a time I can recall in my journal where he had said to me, act like you're 40. I was mind blown when I read that. Seems like a textbook case of a girl who had daddy issues and just wanted to feel loved. And while I'd love to say it was kept a secret, it wasn't. His friends knew about us and so did mine.

After all, it was almost impossible to keep any secrets on the show because, as I mentioned earlier, we worked and played together, so everyone knew what everyone else was doing most of the time. It was also a bit obvious by the way we acted around each other and the way we looked at each other. The more my feelings grew for him, the harder it was to hide. I even wrote in my journal about how I felt like I was falling in love with him. And yet, I knew at one point is was all going to come to an end when his girlfriend arrived. Sure enough, that day did arrive, and it left me feeling used and thrown aside, angry, and upset. My self esteem took a hit, and a cloud of depression followed me for weeks until another relationship started developing, and this one was also with an older man. But it was one that I never expected would happen, and one that could end not just my circus career, but his as well if we were ever found out that we were together.

I'll share more about this one in future episodes. But for now, I'd like to transition into a bigger topic at hand, the topic of self love, and the role it plays in our lives when it comes to pursuing our passion and going after our dreams. Self love is a big topic, and over the past 5 years or so, it's become more of a mainstream buzzword of sorts as the body positivity movement has picked up in momentum. But the reality is so many women still struggle with what it really means to love themselves to the core. And when I say core, what I'm talking about is your self worth. This is a huge topic and one that I'm extremely passionate about. In fact, you'll hear me return to the various components of it again and again because it's so important, especially when it comes to feeling fulfilled, satisfied, and a sense of joy no matter how much chaos and confusion is happening in your life and in your business. What I'd like to address today is one area where we can see that our lack of self love or self worth really a in ways that are detrimental to us, and that is the area of boundaries.

Yes. Boundaries. I know. We hear about it a lot, but how are we doing on it? It's clear in the story today regarding my romantic interest that I didn't have very good boundaries. I was looking for love outside myself and to others to make me feel loved, worthy, and a sense of belonging, and I was willing to go to any length to get it. This led me to having little to no boundaries when it came to these relationships. And as a result, I was often causing myself more pain by not having better boundaries. As they say in the coaching world, how you do one thing is how you do everything.

Meaning, if you have poor boundaries in relationships, it's very likely that this also bleeds into your professional life, causing more chaos in more ways than a. While this was a pretty easy line to cross in the circus, the same holds true whether you're an entrepreneur, a business owner, or an aspiring leader in your workplace. When it comes to the topic of boundaries, there's a lot to cover. There are books, courses, master classes, and entire programs where you can learn how to create better boundaries. In fact, I have a 4 part master class series of my own that you can check out via the link in the show notes. It's safe to say I could speak on a subject for hours. For now, I'd like to explore 4 keys when it comes to setting effective boundaries so that you can start implementing better boundaries in your own life. But before we get to that, let's talk about how to know if you need better boundaries.

This is not an all inclusive list, but here are some examples of red flags and inner thoughts, signs, or symptoms that you need to take a stand and set better boundaries to retain inner peace. You feel angry, resentful, or bitter when you get roped into overcommitting. You feel a specific person is too demanding and expects too much from you. You are rescuing, covering up, or glossing over someone else's bad behavior. You are more interested in people pleasing than self care, and you often self abandon. You are stuck in fear, overwhelmed by duty and obligation. You feel really uncomfortable or unsafe around a particular individual, but you don't say anything. You feel guilty when you say no, even when there's an excellent reason for declining.

You feel shy and uncomfortable about voicing your needs and expectations. You allow unacceptable behaviors to continue even when it impacts your health. You fear of disappointing others at your own expense, and you wanna be the good girl or do the right thing. But for who? If you relate to any of these clues I've noted here, it's time to get in touch with your uncomfortable feelings and take action by setting healthy boundaries. So where do you begin? First, it's knowing the basics of boundaries, and it's essential to be honest with yourself when it comes to understanding what is okay and what is not okay with you when it comes to what you're willing to do and what you're not willing to do. Or what you're willing to accept as appropriate or inappropriate when it comes to how people treat you. It's also understanding that some boundaries may be more firm than others, and that you may have boundaries that can change over time based on your own growth or where you are in your life. So the first key in having more effective boundaries is knowing where you currently stand by considering the boundaries you already have.

Take a moment and reflect on what matters to you. You might outline boundaries in different areas of your life with a direct line between each one and your values. For example, I value truth, and is such, a boundary that I have is that I'm not comfortable being asked to lie, and I don't want others to lie to me. In other words, I want others to be truthful with me even if it hurts. That's a boundary in communication. The second key to having more effective boundaries is to determine the strength of your boundaries. As I mentioned earlier, some boundaries may be more flexible than others, and this is important to remember. Because while having no boundaries can be detrimental to your inner peace and well-being, so can having too strict or too rigid of boundaries is it can cause unnecessary stress.

Some boundaries may be more of a preference than drawing a hard line in the sand. For example, you may prefer to not let anyone else drive your car, but in a case where you're intoxicated, you let a friend drive home. Other boundaries may be more strict and nonnegotiable, like physical violence or mental abuse, such as gaslighting or emotional manipulation. Take some time to look at each of your boundaries and ask yourself, how flexible is this for me? And then stay conscious when a boundary is being pushed or tested. You need to know ahead of time what boundaries are flexible and which ones aren't. Otherwise, you may find yourself compromising on something that you really don't want to, leaving you feeling just as frustrated as before you set the boundary. The 3rd key to effective boundary setting is making your boundaries known. This may not be easy for someone who hasn't had good boundaries in the past because it will require you to speak up and make your stance known.

We can't expect someone to respect boundaries that haven't been communicated to them. In fact, if you expect someone should just know what you want or don't want or what is okay and not okay with you without communicating it, you're often setting yourself up for disappointment. I see this a lot in clients that have been married for a long time. Because they've been with their spouse for so long, they just assume that the spouse knows them and should know what they want or don't want. You still need to communicate no matter how long you've known the person. This is so important because people have different levels or degrees of boundaries. What isn't okay for you might be okay to another, so it's important to let it be known. Or you may find yourself feeling disrespected when the other person had no idea that this was a boundary for you.

For example, one person might have a boundary of not answering calls or texting while out with friends, while another might need to be accessible to their kids by phone. Making boundaries known ahead of time gives us a better chance of being heard. In addition, it helps when a boundary needs to be reinforced, which brings me to the final key. The 4th key to having effective boundaries is letting someone know when a boundary has been crossed or broken. It's vital that you let it be known as soon as possible. Sometimes, in an effort to avoid conflict or be nice, we hesitate to share that something has been crossed. Still, it's important to communicate even though it can be so uncomfortable. Because if we don't, a precedence is set, and it's likely to happen again.

Letting someone know they've crossed a boundary is a loving, respectful act, not just for yourself, but to the other person and the relationship you're cultivating, whether it be personal or professional. When people know and understand the parameters they're working within, they can then seek to stay within those parameters. This also leaves less chances for misunderstanding and disappointments because you've been clear from the beginning. Just remember, the discomfort of having to reinforce boundaries is far better than experiencing the discomfort of having them crossed again and again. Like I said, this is just the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the topic of boundaries. It's a vast and deep topic. Boundaries, like self love, have become a buzzword as of Life, But it's important to remember that they're important, and they will vary from person to person. The more in touch you are with yourself, the better you will be able to communicate your needs and desires to others.

When it comes to self mastery and having good boundaries, where in your life might you need to revisit your boundaries? Do you need to get more clear for yourself on what your nonnegotiables are? Do you need to be better at communicating your boundaries with courage and trust that you're doing the best thing for everyone involved? Lastly, when it comes to this or any other area where you're working to improve your life, I want to remind you that it's a journey. Be patient and forgiving with yourself. You won't be perfect at setting or even holding boundaries. But if it's on your radar a you're actively practicing implementing them, you're heading in the right direction, a direction that will take you closer to living your dreams and experiencing more joy, fulfillment, and success as you continue to step into self mastery. Thank you for joining me on this episode of Life is a Circus, so let's step into self mastery. I hope you found inspiration and valuable insights to carry with you on your journey. If you enjoyed today's episode, please share it with a friend and subscribe or follow wherever you're listening. Remember, in the circus of life, the greatest show is the one you create for yourself.

Until next time, keep embracing your dreams and stepping into self Mastery. Mastery. Take care and I'll see you next Tuesday.