Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted

In this conversation, Robb and Tina discuss various relationship red flags. They cover topics such as waiting for a firearms purchase, feeling low self-esteem, physical, emotional, and mental abuse, substance abuse, narcissism, anger management issues, and codependency. The conversation explores various red flags in relationships and how they can negatively impact the dynamics. The topics discussed include the inability to resolve conflict, constant jealousy, gaslighting, lack of emotional intelligence, negatively affecting relationships with family and friends, inability to communicate openly, and lack of social connection or friends.

Explicit

DGTTwisted@gmail.com

Copyright 2024 Dont get this Twisted

This podcast and website represent the opinions of Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia and their guests to the show and website. The content here should not be interpreted as medical advice or any other type of advice from any other type of licensed professional. The content here is for informational purposes only, and because each person is so unique, please consult your healthcare or other applicable licensed professional with any medical or other related questions. Views and opinions expressed in the podcast and website are our own and do not represent that of our places of work. While we make every effort to ensure that the information, we are sharing is accurate, we welcome any comments, suggestions, or correction of errors. Privacy is of the utmost importance to us. All people, places, and scenarios mentioned in the podcast have been changed to protect confidentiality. This website or podcast should not be used in any legal capacity whatsoever, including but not limited to establishing “standard of care” in a legal sense or as a basis for expert witness testimony related to the medical profession or any other licensed profession. No guarantee is given regarding the accuracy of any statements or opinions made on the podcast or website. In no way does listening, reading, emailing, or interacting on social media with our content establish a doctor-patient relationship or relationship with any other type of licensed professional. Robb Courtney and Tina Garcia do not receive any money from any pharmaceutical industry for topics covered pertaining to medicine or medical in nature. If you find any errors in any of the content of this podcast, website, or blogs, please send a message through the “contact” page or email DGTTwisted@gmail.com. This podcast is owned by "Don’t Get This Twisted,” Robb Courtney.

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob along with my co-host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

I'm doing alright Rob, if I sound a little nasally again it seems like the only thing that's going on in this place is a change in the weather, but I'm doing alright.

Yeah, I think a lot of people have been like Maisley lately. It's I think with, you know, we've had a lot of winds and a lot of crazy weather and I don't know.

It's been the last couple of months, it seems like our weather goes from one extreme to the next and my sinuses aren't keeping up with it.

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Did you have rain yesterday? Yeah, I was like.

We did, but not very much, like just, just like misting.

Yeah, we had some we had some rain here, but not like a shit ton either. But man, it was like at an inopportune time. I was like trying to move things between my car and my place and to the trash can. And I was like, motherfucker. And, you know, I wear glasses, so. It's just never.

Uh-huh.

Never a good thing. But thankfully it didn't rain too bad. And it was enough to like maybe not make my car look horrible.

I hear ya.

Yeah, my car looks horrible.

We'll see, I haven't gone out this morning because it was raining last night. I went to go get a bite to eat, like literally around the corner from my house, just through the drive-through real quick. And when I got back, I parked and I saw the dots on them. I was like, this is not gonna look good tomorrow. So we were talking last week, obviously, about the purchasing of firearms and it's less than 10 days, so you're still waiting.

Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna go to bed.

Still waiting.

But we did talk early in the show about that we were going to do a show on relationship red flags. And now that I'm coughing immensely.

Yes.

You know, what's funny is we didn't call them red flags when we were dating. We're just like, no, that bitch is crazy or not. I don't like it. Like it was in a big.

No, no, no.

Warning, it- yeah.

It wasn't a term. It wasn't a term for sure. I just think that the we when we were dating, obviously in the 80s and the 90s, I believe that every like there were red flags, but we just we just went, okay, our relationship, you know, burned out because of this or because of that.

I think we saw those issues, but we probably just looked past them, just like most people do. I think, you know, that's the whole thing about saying it later on, right? Oh, I should have saw these red flags.

I don't think we, I don't know if I didn't, if somebody did something that wasn't right with me, it was just, I was just kind of done with them. You know what I mean? It wasn't a red flag or I didn't like stick around to see, is it just a warning or is it going to keep going? And it was like, no, I don't want to deal with this and didn't. So it is though people when they talk about like red flags, I'm like, oh, this is going to be a long story.

Right.

Right, well yeah, exactly.

And it normally is.

Pretty much, like I said, I think I've heard it a lot lately. A guy at my work, he's been married for a long time, like 27 years. And he says some crazy stuff all the time about like things that are going on in his life. And I was like, was she like this in the beginning? Like, when did it go sideways?

Mm-hmm.

So before we get too knee deep, obviously I'll give a little definition of what a red flag is. This is on betterhelp.com. Today we're using technology, me and Tina, where she can actually see the webpage that we're on now, so she can actually read it with me. I feel like I don't have to read it out loud too much. Red flags are warning signs that indicate unhealthy or manipulative behavior.

So I guess these are things that you should have seen early in the relationship. Um, and they tend to grow bigger and become more problematic over time, which makes sense. I think. Look, uh, the courting part is generally everyone walks on eggshells anyway. Right? I think you're you, but you're trying to be a better version of you. And I'm saying that generically and in general.

Um, you generally don't go to a first date in shorts and a t-shirt, even though maybe you should, because if that's who you are, you should show who you are right away. So, but I think manipulative behavior, um, uh, is something that's totally different. I think if you end up telling somebody, Hey, this is kind of who I am, they should believe it, but that's not what happens.

Hmm

So we found on this website, there's 15 red flags in a relationship to look out for. And you know, look, there's probably a hundred. But I think that I looked over these before we got on and I agree with a pretty big amount of them. There's some that you kind of have to go, eh, look, if you look at all 15 of these, you'll never date anyone ever again.

Right.

I don't know. I didn't see all 15. So the first couple, the first couple, okay, overly controlling behavior. If somebody is trying to control me in, okay, here's, here's an example. I'm a hairdresser. Hair doesn't mean much to me, but when I'm dating a guy and he says, leave your hair long, I like your hair long. The very next time I'm at work, I cut it off.

The first one is... ..yeah.

And the last time it happened, I cut it off so short. It was like hairline short. So I established real quickly that there's not going to be any control and I wouldn't put up with that crap.

Yeah, look, I can see both sides of this. I think that if you look, you should like someone for their looks and their inside. But extremes like it's no different to me. Like if a guy if you meet a guy and he has whatever hairstyle it is and then comes to pick you up and has a mohawk next. There should there should be an issue with that you should go

you do that? Now, do you know what I mean? Like, so I find long hair attractive. I'm not into short hair. If I wanted, I'd be with dudes. And that's just me. Look, and if you're going to cut it, awesome. At least give me a warning sign so I can go, okay.

That's out of the norm, though.

Yeah

Because to me, that's at least, again, doing the same thing. That's like, if you like guys with big full beards and then he comes over to pick you up and it's gone, completely gone, and it's like you're dating a different person now and you're like, whoa, what happened? I shouldn't, you should never say, don't do that. No, I think that's the behavior. There should be, yes.

Mmm.

Yeah, when I get the don't do that or leave it like this, like, none that's not for you to say. Let me show you.

I agree, but I think that you should have the common decency to say, Hey, I'm going to do this. And that's with anything, you know, like.

I do say that. I'm like, you know what? Don't say that. It'll make me cut my hair off. And then next thing you know, it's off.

then, but see, no, but there's your sign. Like to me, if you said that, I'd go, okay, but I would also rebut it with, hey, if you're gonna do something extreme, because at least you tell me so I can be ready. I came home one day while I was married and my ex-wife would dye her hair like it was the thing to do. I came home and she had fucking Ariel hair, Ariel red, like not normal people, ginger red, like a fucking cartoon character.

And it was like being punched in the nuts. I was like, what the fuck did you do? Now, did I get used to it? Yes, but it was, you know, I didn't have any fair warning. Give some fair warning. And I just think that that's common decency with anything. But call me crazy, because that's.

Yeah, I we never in my house when I was growing up with my mom My mom and I changed our hairstyles in extreme ways all the time I don't think dad particularly liked it, but he just learned to not say anything because

Mm-hmm.

He was like, it's going to happen. And, and that's normally how I like with men. I'm like, just leave me alone when it comes to this. I'm a hairdresser. So it's going to come back a thousand different ways. If you're not going to like that, that's on you. I'm still going to do it now because I haven't been challenged in a long time in that, in that sense, my hair has been kind of boring. So, you know what I mean? It's just, uh, I don't know. I.

You establish dominance very quickly in a relationship. And if somebody is trying to tell you how to be from the get go and you don't like it, you definitely need to show them that that's not going to happen. And I don't know, that's how I was raised. So that's how I do things.

And here's what I'll tell you about boring. Men are simple. Men will have the same hairstyle for 35 years. That's why we wanna know what's going on. All right, here's the next one. Lack of trust. Obviously trust is a foundation. Major sign, unstable relationship is when partners, friends, colleagues, and family members distrust you.

Mm-hmm.

Now you get ya.

I mean, obviously, I think that's just a human thing.

Yeah, if you're in a relationship and you're already being questioned as to what you're doing all the time, like that's a sign that you shouldn't be with a person. That's not a red sign. Red signs are red flags or when yeah, they did this, you know, I should watch out for it. But if somebody is not trustworthy or they don't trust you, that's not a red flag. That's like an opportunity to get the hell out.

Yeah, I think that if you're going into a relationship already with a lack of trust, or if, yeah, or if someone tells you, hey, I'm going to go do this, and you already are questioning them, you need to bail out. But I think that those are, that's a human thing. I think if you don't trust friends, you should bail out of them.

You're doomed.

Absolutely. And I don't, I let people bury themselves. You know, like it's, I get a feeling that something's going on and I'll just sit with it because there's not much you could do and you know, time will tell as to whether or not you're right or wrong. But I know my initial instinct is always right. So I just let them, you know, dig their own hole. Because if I'm watching...

You know, I...

They'll show me who they are really quickly.

For sure, and I think that, you know, you give somebody enough rope, they'll always hang themselves. It's just a matter of time. But my thing is, you know, you can only have a certain amount of time, because you don't wanna...

Absolutely.

continue the thing where it's like, okay, where are they at? Do I trust him? Does this and then you get out before it gets too deep. If you don't trust somebody, you should have no relationship with them at all. It's just okay, I have this feeling. I'm gonna walk away. It's just for everyone. For everyone involved in and if you're in a relationship with somebody, it affects a lot of people.

Not at all.

And all you're doing is prolonging the agony. Yeah, for everyone.

Mm-hmm.

So, all right, what's the next one here? Feeling low self-esteem. Let's see. The people closest to you should build you up, not break you down. Totally agree with this. When you love someone, you are committed to supporting and uplifting them. If you do not feel that support from your partner, family, friends, something needs to change. That, I think, is a very, very high one, should be very high on this list.

Feeling low self-esteem.

One of the things for me is that when you're with a person, you should always hold them in the highest esteem. You don't ever break them down in front of your friends. You always try to leave everything positive and let them know that this is a good healthy situation. And you should also know that they're doing the same with you.

But also in person, if you're not building up your lover and you could do that in a bazillion ways, you're doing something wrong. You're minimizing what you could get out of a relationship because you're not being your best self and you're not encouraging a best self from your partner.

Yeah, one of my big things is if you're having an issue in public, you take it home to talk about it. But you both have to have the Weren'thal to lean in and go, okay, you know, I'm upset, but let's not, we're not going to do this in front of other people. There's no reason to. I'm not going to belittle my girlfriend in front of her friends or my friends. Why?

Mm-hmm.

and make everybody uncomfortable.

Yeah, it's find a way to, even if you have to separate from the group from a for a second or two, and make it not blow up, you shouldn't be doing anything like this. And secondly, you should always try to be supporting. And anyway, if you're, if you're like to me, I'm

Mm-hmm.

I'm an interesting cat when it comes to things like I am very physical and I like to I'm a person that if my girlfriend's across the room talking with somebody I'll try to get their attention tell them to come over just give them a kiss and tell them they can go back

just like, hey, I wanted this kind of thing, or I'll find my way to them and do certain things. These are uplifting things or making sure that you hold their hand when they want to, or making sure they feel safe. These are uplifting things, not making them feel shitty for doing something. I don't know.

I think that's a big one. And that's vice versa. Women, make your men feel like they're important because when you don't, they'll find someone else who does.

I agree with that. I don't know about the whole stopping me to have to go over to give you a kiss then to go back. I don't know. For me, that would be a little bit much, but I do a lot of things so that the person that I'm with knows I'm with them. You know what I mean?

Yeah, and I don't mean, I shouldn't say that I mean it like in a, like, oh, you have to come over here. Maybe if they're passing through or, trust me, I will make my way over to them and make sure that they know that they're, I think it's more of a toying thing, more than anything else. I mean, more like, ha ha, hey, come over here, and then, you know, give them affection.

Yeah, and that's a good thing.

This one's big. This one right here is probably one of the biggest red flags. This should probably be number one.

I getcha.

physical, emotional, and mental abuse.

I mean.

Are those really red flags? Are they get the fuck out of there?

Yeah, but I think that what this probably means is during that very small dating window, that if you get any kind of this, you should bail out right away. Like, mental abuse can be anything, any kind of things that you're pressing on them. To me, like, telling...

I guess we're older. So for me, like we all need space or mental abuse and emotional abuse is pressing on them to maybe not see their friends, not do this, telling them that no one else is gonna want them because they're a certain way. I told you I've heard that from several women.

All of these things though are control. And again, you don't let someone control you. These aren't red flags. These are reasons to get the fuck out. Like...

Right, but I mean, I think if you see it early, like mostly like physical,

It don't matter when you see it, when you see it you get out.

Right, but I think that later on when you're, the whole thing with me with a red flag is when someone goes, oh, this red flag I should have seen earlier, right? These are the things that you're supposed to see and not overlook. Physical abuse should be one and done, out. And I think that's both sides. A woman rails off and hits me, I'm done, period.

Yep.

Oh, and that should be the only the only thing you should do is be done.

Yeah. I think that there's no, because there's no winner in this, right? If a man takes this abuse over and over, sooner or later he's going to pop. And, right. And then, and obviously the mental or emotional abuse.

No.

And he should. A woman shouldn't be coming at a man like that. Or vice versa.

It's these are the things that ruin men and women for other people who only really want to love them

Mm-hmm.

Right, you have someone that keeps going, who's gonna want you? You have three babies and, you know, who's gonna want that? No one's gonna want them after me or, you know, blah, blah. And I've seen it with many, many women. Men can be horribly mentally abusive, horribly, because we try to find that one small thing that we know is gonna take your confidence away and take it. I've had...

several single mothers that had told me that. And I was like, look, you're gonna find somebody that wants that life because we all want some, you know, they're gonna want you and with you come your kids or with you come this. Don't let people break you down.

I think I think it's wrong to even say it like that this somebody will find you that deserves you not vice versa that you deserve or whatever like somebody's going to find you that deserves you just be happy have your life do your own thing and don't worry about who's coming around the corner. I think that's the way to deal with this if you're not holding yourself like you're never going to find a whole relationship.

as much as you could love you. And if you don't love you that much, then guess what? They're not gonna either. That's just the way it goes.

Agree. Yeah, I think that in your own head, you have to know that you're the cat's pajamas. You know, and I also think you have to be open to knowing that you deserve someone better, or deserve someone different. Once you do that, things will open up.

Worthy. More than worthy.

Mm-hmm.

And I think that's the bigger thing to me. At least that's how I started thinking. I'm not, there's no reason to hunt down anyone. There's just not. You have to let someone, let yourself be out there and the right person will come.

Mm-hmm.

Substance abuse. Yeah, I think this is one that will run you down in lots of different directions. I think a red flag is early in dating. If you're going out on your first or second date and guys are getting sloshed, should probably bail out of that one. Don't wait to find out if this is a nightly thing or a weekly thing.

from a drinking standpoint. Now drugs are a weird thing because I've really not been around anyone who had that kind of issue in a relationship. But you know, drugs can be hidden much easier.

Yeah, they can be hidden, but you know what? The habits can't be hidden like they're not having money or the emotional.

Mmm.

mood swings that a person goes through the ups and the downs, the sleeping for days. There's so many there's so many things that you see when you're with a drug addict that if you see any of those things and you want to have a good life get the hell away because the only thing you get with a drug addict is an overdrawn bank account.

signs.

Right. See, I didn't even look at it that way. I guess you're right. If they're always the one scratching for money or trying to get something done.

Oh yeah, freaking hell. And drug addicts, they run you like, you know, they're like a mouse. They'll run you all the way around till you don't see something and then you're just like, fuck, okay, here, you could have it. No, you can't be like that.

See, that's good to know because I've really never been in that situation.

Yeah, you'll never get a you'll look at a picture 100 ways with them and it'll never be the way you see it if that makes sense like they they'll they just make everything look so freaking different because Absolutely

All right.

I'm sure very manipulative as well. Yeah. I'm glad I'd never gone down that. I mean, like as an addict, but I did have someone who was on prescription meds that would freak out if they didn't take them. And even that is a form of addiction.

Mm-hmm.

because nothing you could do will make them love you more than their drug. Never. I noticed that with my mom. My mom was a great mom, but once she became an addict after her brain aneurysm, there was no, she didn't love any of us as much as she loved her pills. And, and as sad as that is to say that is, that is the God's honest truth. Um,

That's...

So you have to really understand that you're never going to get love out of a drug addict or an alcoholic.

Right. See, that's, and that's too bad. You know what I mean? Because some of these people who are, just have issues. I've seen people get clean and become great people and are in good relationships now. It just took something bigger to get them there.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Yes.

something from themselves. They had to do it themselves because until they do it for themselves, you can't you can't win that war.

Mm-hmm.

Exactly. Narcissism. We've talked about this a few times on our pod. Obviously it indicates a self-obsession, a misplaced sense of importance. It can come across as delusions of grandeur, although not in a clinical sense. Basically it's an ego-driven person. I assume that women can be narcissists.

Mm-hmm.

I think it's probably more of a manly trait, just because you don't think so? Again, this is coming from a man. So this is why we're great on this, because every time I say, this is a manly thing, you're like, hold on a second, Rob. No, it's not. I'm just going with the generalization, because I've seen lots of narcissistic men who...

No...

Mm-mm.

who definitely use their ego to drive women baddie, make them feel like it's always their fault, it's they're the one that's doing it, they're the one that is the problem, and I've seen it firsthand with friends that are very close to me.

So I would say that I've seen it. I really haven't seen it in women, but again, I think that you would probably be the better judge of that with women.

Mm-hmm

Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah, women are, you know, poor men get a bad rap and I'm and I'm definitely not in the majority when I speak this, but women have gotten so off the rail with everything that they're the first ones to diagnose their men with the problem. And then I look at them going, yeah, it really takes one to know one. You know, because

Right.

I hear narcissism being thrown around all the time and in all honesty I don't see that many people who are narcissistic. I see them having Behaviors are doing things to get attention, but narcissistic is a bit much So I really have a hard time with that term. I know they're out there I'm not saying that they're not but if you look at the The the way the couple is together

They're both rocking the same boat. And I see that all the time.

I'll agree with that. I think in a lot of cases, there's narcissistic behavior on both sides. I've more seen, again, firsthand in men, even through stories through female friends of mine where you just gotta go, how? Like, this is what's going on. He's...

Yeah.

Have you ever asked your female friends how they acted?

Yes, in some of these cases, yes. And I'll agree with you. I think some of them didn't help the situation. There's one that I'll go for sure and I know that this guy was just a manipulative piece of shit. But yeah, again, all relationships are a two-way street.

No.

Mm-hmm.

Um, but I think that if you're seeing these type of behaviors early, you need to jump out mostly in number seven. I think the anger management issues I think this is also one that you have to look at early in relationships that if something happens um, how quickly do these Fights or Issues

how often or quickly do they feel out of control?

Listen, if you're if you're in a relationship and you've got somebody really pissed off and you think they need a minute give them a minute get the fuck out of their way and Let them go through whatever it is that they're gonna go through and let the energy Deescalate because if you don't and you want to push a man a man's gonna come at you like a man would

Should you shouldn't push a man to that level there? They shouldn't be expected to hold back at that level You should as a woman or as a person Get away and let them calm down and then come back and talk about it not as you know, you're poking the bear again, but to really fix the problem and I see

Mm-hmm.

I don't know, anger management issues. I have been around men where I thought they were going to lose their shit and I was wanting I wanted to lose it for them because they were just being pushed to no end. I don't really see that as much with women, but I have seen a couple of women just totally slap a man in the face and he should have beat her ass both times.

Yeah, I think the thing with anger management, the thing with anger management that's big with me is knowing when to cut things off. Because I think people in general, when things are thrown at each other verbally, we go to the least common denominator, the one that we know is gonna hurt the most.

so disrespectful.

Mm-hmm.

and women I think are really good at that because they'll hit you where it hurts um you know sexually um last relationship wise you know this is why you're here you know you can't you can never be this way or whatever and then anger just drives more like you said I think before um

Mm-hmm.

think mud is thrown, you both need to step back. But I also think that if you early in a relationship don't feel safe in it, you need to bail out quickly. Like if you think that this person's anger is going to drive him to violence, you need to get out of this very much quickly. And vice versa, look, like I said, I used to tell every girl that I've ever dated, please don't hit me. Just.

Make haste.

Let's not go down that road. Don't be a violent person with me. I don't, and I'm pretty big dude. But like we've talked about before, I love when people go, why do you have to hit her?

he could have just, you know, stopped her from doing it. And the first time you wrap your arms around somebody and put them on the bed and tell them to stop, when you let them go, they're like a, you know, Wolverine. Then now they're even more mad. So, but I definitely agree. I think anger management issues. Look, it's okay to be angry with each other. I think that that's part of...

Mm-hmm.

That's life.

a well it's part of a good relationship sometimes you have to fight i didn't fight with my ex-wife and i probably should have more because i just i was too mellow and i think i was just in a different place i think now i i'm a very stand your ground person this is the way things are and look this is me but i don't want to feel unsafe in any relationship and no one should ever

Mm-hmm.

Oh.

Not at all.

This is kind of an interesting one. I think if you give this a read, it's probably more common probably than we think. Codependency, where basically relationship addiction happens when two people rely on each other exclusively for emotional, psychological, and even physical support.

This alienates them from other relationships that can stunt personal growth where You're if you're only with them and you have no friends and you're not finding other outlets I do believe that this can be a bad thing in a relationship when mostly when

Absolutely.

you're both so locked in where you're just like, I only wanna be around you. And I think that both sides of those are healthy. I think you, if you're running to the outside and your friends all the time, get out of the relationship. If you're only in your relationship all the time, get out of your relationship. You have to find outlets.

Mm-hmm.

I think a big part of codependency is healthy. I think you need to, as a couple, you need to rely on each other. You need to look to each other for their opinions and their, and their, um, their expectations, their support. I don't, I don't see anything wrong with that. It's when there's AB when you're alienated should be. That's, that's when it's too much.

Correct. But I also think that you should be able to talk about things probably, I think going forward, I will tell people, try not to talk about your relationship with people that may get the wrong idea about it.

Like, it's okay to throw certain things out or have certain people to talk to that about, but you have to be careful with that. Even talking to like your parents about it, like, oh, because now, like let's say girlfriend's mom, I would never talk to my girlfriend's mom or her relatives about my relationship with them.

Mm-hmm.

No.

that you're asking for the wrong thing. You're also making enemies within camps inside someone's family. If I need to talk about my relationship with my girlfriend, I have like three people I would go to that I feel confident to talk about with it. And even one is...

Mm-hmm.

is a male friend that we really don't go down that road very often. But I have I have people that I have, I would say no interest in ever having a relationship with. And that's who I talk to. It's not someone that I'm that I'm courting. I mean, but we both look, what we've talked about that before, we know that we don't we're not going to go down that road. So. But.

Mm-hmm.

Hey, am I one of those people?

Am I one of the people you tell everything to?

No, no, I'm saying, but am I one of those three people? Ha ha ha. Ha ha.

You're on that list of people that I know that I can say something to because you're going to tell it back to me really honestly. And sometimes you need that.

Yeah, well, you know, that's kind of the cool thing about being just friends is and just is such a stupid word because you have to be really close to be that way and And I kind of like the fact that we could be completely honest with each other and I Respect it and I honor that because how many people do you really have in your life that you could be that with?

Yes.

Yeah, me too. I think that there's a thing with us to where, you know, I, I'm not careful with what I say, but I'm careful with what I say because I might not want to hear what's coming back at me. Do you know what I mean? Like, it's the truth. And, and I've said things to you before and you came back with an answer and I was like, oh yeah, fuck. Okay. So.

Oh my answer? You know that's the truth though.

But that never means that you can't still talk about it. It just means that yeah, I'm going to be honest with you and tell you what I'm thinking. I'm probably the worst one for that out of anybody that I know right now.

No, no, no.

Mm-hmm. Yes.

But if I want honesty on a level that can hurt me, I ask you because you're not afraid to hurt my feelings.

Well, I don't ever want to say anything to hurt your feelings. I'm sorry that I've done that. Yeah, the honest truth.

No, no, but do you know what I mean though? I don't mean it that way. I mean it that.

that you're gonna tell me regardless if it hurts my feelings or not, because you believe that that's the honest truth. And that's something that means more. And I think that people need that in their life, but you also need to be able to go within your relationship and get emotional structure and physical structure and psychological structure. If I'm gonna be in a relationship, I wanna be able to come home to the person that I can talk to the most.

Yeah.

Yes.

Mm-hmm and with having a friend that you can talk to you Like I don't try to break up the relationship by bringing it down. I'll say well, maybe that's something you need to You need to really talk to them about you know so it's if you're gonna have someone that's brutally honest to have somebody that doesn't discourage the relationship because All relationships have things that need to be worked on You don't just throw them away at the first sign of something wrong

No.

Sure.

Mm-hmm.

However, if you're getting these big ass red flags, feel free.

Yes, I agree. I think early in relationships, that dating period is so important. And I think that when you move too fast, it fucks things up. You slowly date, you know, and like you'll know when your relationship is moved into the boyfriend-girlfriend thing. And I'm a sucker for making sure you understand that with each other.

Mm-hmm.

You miss it. Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

even though it's probably already understood. I think there is something about asking someone to be in a relationship with you that is totally committed.

Mm-hmm.

Here's one, the inability to resolve conflict.

I would say that this is kind of a big thing. Look, if you're uncomfortable with being in a conflict and you're going to let these kinds of things ride forever and ever and ever, you have to resolve conflict. You have to be able to, at some point, meet in the middle and say, this is this way and this is this way. These long...

Yeah.

things of being mad at each other is just building a wall between you. And it seems like it's bigger in a lot of people's relationships than I've ever seen. And like, I have, yes, personally, yes. People that are around me, yeah. Like I said, this guy at my work.

Absolutely.

You think so? That's sad.

I've seen it in him. He said things, you know, I mean, look, 25 years is a long time. And I think during that, we all change. Like you've said you changed during your relationship, you're not. And I think that you have to be able to bend within this relationship, right? But he has said things about where they have had long conflicts that...

Mm-hmm.

Oh yeah, you're not the same person.

Mm-hmm.

drag and drag and drag and look it's both their fault that this is neither of them are trying to fix it for whatever reason but I think that it's you know it's such of um a dangerous thing to have in a relationship that you can't someone has to be the better person in every relationship and

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Look, taking an L, it doesn't mean that you lost. It means that you care about the person that you're with. You know, everyone can't win.

I think for me, I will drop a conflict really quickly just because I don't want to, I just don't want to fucking give it the energy. But what I'll do is I'll find a different way to talk about it at a totally different time and say, remember when you got mad at this? Well, here's an example of what I was saying. And you say it when they're not mad.

Mm-hmm.

You say it when they're able to listen. You say it when you've calmed down and it's not an emotional rant, but it's actually something that you could just talk about with the same tone that I have right now. And that's how, that's how you get away with, you get away with murder when you could hold your tone and you could wait till somebody's not pissed off and then do it with love. Like you could say, I don't want to fight with you, but that really bothered me. And I'm going to forgive you for it, but I really hope that you work on that.

constructive.

Yes.

Mm-hmm.

when I say stuff like that, the whomever I'm with will kind of rise to the occasion because I didn't put them on the defensive. And that works.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, and I think that if you're going to be the one getting this speech, you have to be big enough to not try to bring something else up.

Oh no, it's one thing at a time with a man, otherwise you overwhelm them, they think they're horrible people, and then they won't try anything. Yeah.

Yep, I agree. What about number 10? I think this is, I mean.

Constant jealousy.

I mean, come on, this is a monstrous red flag, early in a relationship. I agree, but I think that if you're leaning on this as just like, why are you with them? What are you doing? But you're just driving a stake in between.

It's impossible to not be jealous, especially in the beginning of a relationship. It is.

If you're worried to that degree, you're in the wrong relationship already.

Mm hmm. Agree. Yeah, I think that the things that go along with constant jealousy, like there should be jealousy in a relationship. And I've had people argue with me twofold about that. No, there shouldn't. Yes, there should. You should. There should be some kind of jealousy. It might be one percent, but it.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

it should probably only be about 1%.

Yeah, and look, that's okay, but there should be some jealousy, just because that, look, you want them to be, you know, 99% with you. But I think when there's jealousy to where it fucks with your happiness, there's an issue.

I remember being at a restaurant with my partner at the time and there was a female waitress and the female waitress was very young and you could tell she was kind of wild by the way she dressed and her makeup and everything and she had a thing for my partner and so every time she came up to ask if we needed anything she only looked at him and it was funny to me because I mean.

I don't think a lot of women would think that was funny. I think they would take it offensive. But with me, I.

I just think it's funny. I'm like, oh, you should go get that. You know, like I'll make, you know, I'll do it the other way. Like, when else are you going to be our age and have a 20 something year old vagina? You know, like I say stupid shit like that. It did make me a little bit jealous that she was flirting with them, like right in front of me. But at the same time, I'm like, well, shit, if this makes them feel good, let's just kind of joke around about it. You know, nothing's happening behind my back because I'm the one talking about it. You know what I mean?

Oh, God.

Right.

And I was though just a little bit jealous. I'm like, God, I'd love to do this to him at 20 years old. I didn't get that opportunity, you know? So but it wasn't like it was going to be anything that hurt the relationship. As a matter of fact, it was very good for the relationship that night when we went home. So I don't know, the jealousy is it. You should have a little bit, but you shouldn't let it get the best of you.

Right. Yeah, I agree with you.

Yeah, I'll I've talked about this before, but I had a friend who was they were at a bar and they were separate at the time boyfriend and girlfriend and some guy was standing next to her, you know, offering her a drink, blah, blah. And this guy stormed out all pissy.

And I told her like, yeah, I would have walked right up and I would have been like, hey dude, if you want, can you send the drinks over to table four? And I had to just picked her up and walked away with her. I would have said, you can buy your drinks all day long, dude, I don't care, but she's going home with me. So it doesn't matter. Like there's other ways where to show your confidence to your lady, like.

Mm-hmm.

Yep.

to deal with jealousy.

Mm-hmm.

That doesn't bother me. Like, I know. Or I'm the kind of dick that would walk up and say something like, bro, your credit score is not good enough. You wanna just kick a dude where it hurts? Say some crazy shit like that because then he's gonna be like, ah. And I'd be like, okay, sweetie, we're gonna go back to the table or whatever you're gonna do. There's other ways of handling that without storming out like a fucking child.

Right?

They're just not. And to me, like, look, if my girlfriend's getting hit on, awesome. You know, as long as it's not going anywhere, who cares? If I feel that my girlfriend's beautiful, she's gonna get hit on. That's just part of life. But I know I'm going home with her, so it doesn't bother me. That's how I am. Gaslighting. We did a podcast on this. Obviously, we can probably skate over this one pretty quick.

Mm-hmm.

with you.

Yeah.

It's a common manipulation tactic. Should be a red flag right away. If they're making you feel guilty of something, whether and how you did anything wrong, like you're getting gas lit, get out of it. It's mostly early. Like this is something that as soon as people are starting to like throw things on you like that, you need to get away. And vice versa, same thing. If some girl's making me feel like I'm, you know, I'm in the wrong and I know I'm not.

You know, and I think we're older. I think the older you get, the least you're gonna take this shit. You know, younger people generally take this kind of thing because of whatever reasons. Not me. I'm gonna find myself probably out of a relationship much quicker than I would have when I was 25.

Mm-hmm.

I'm just now I'm like, okay, this isn't working. This isn't going to work. Why waste each other's time? There's just no reason to do that. Yeah, it's just not what we do anymore. It's, there's, you know, I'd rather be alone than be unhappy. That's just the easiest way of looking at it.

Mm-hmm. This is not something I want to put up with

Mm-hmm.

Agreed.

Lack of emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence is the ability to perceive and manage emotions. People with low level of emotional intelligence are unable to pick up on your feelings or empathize with you. This often results in unnecessary conflicts or forms of manipulation. I guess, I mean, I can empathize with most people, but I.

have been told that I have a lack of empathy sometimes. So I think it just matters where it's at in the situation. And I don't, I can't tell you that I've been non-empathetic with a partner, but I have been non-empathetic with friends where I'm just like, all right, it's on to you. But this one, I guess.

Um, emotional intelligence. Like if, if you're a Neanderthal, you know, I don't, I don't really understand this one because you get with somebody who, who is like you. So I've never been with somebody that wasn't emotionally intelligent. That that's just, um, I don't know what to say about that. I wouldn't put up with somebody that wasn't able to empathize or to.

to see what I was going through or at least be supportive of whatever it is I'm experiencing. I don't know.

Yeah, like I said, with a partner, I don't think I've ever been non-empathetic. I just, you know, and sometimes it's like I've we've talked about it before. I think there's a men need to learn, mostly men. And again, I'm throwing this generically. There's a time to talk and a time to listen. You just got to ask which one it is, because sometimes, you know, sometimes your girl doesn't want you to say a fucking thing to them. They just want you to listen. Let them rant.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm. Heheheheh.

And then they'll get up and go grab a bag of chips and a soda and sit down next to you and go, okay, we're watching a movie, right? Perfect. If you don't want me to jump in, awesome, because sometimes you just want to vent. And I think that that's important in a relationship to being able to just go, sweetie, just listen today. Okay. And then afterwards go, cool, we're getting tacos, right? Because I told my friend the other day, tacos fix everything.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. I agree.

It kinda does, I'm not gonna lie.

They do. And there's a place, if you're ever out here again, visiting your friend, there's a place down the street for me that has some of the best, now I even forgot what it's called. What's the sweet pork? El pastor. Oh, oh, so good, so good. Make you.

Maybe I'll go visit you and we'll go and do that.

make you want to slap your pappy, man. It's so good. I'm telling you, it's really, like I've had really good pastore, but generally they put too much pineapple in it or it's overly sweet. This has just enough sweet where you're like, oh yeah, it's good. Oh, and just so you know, not that we're affiliated with them at all, but Black Rifle Coffee.

Nice.

If you're into coffee, I've been getting this one. It's called Silencer Smooth. It's a light roast. It is so good for anybody out there that likes coffee. It's really, really good. It's so. Number 13, I think this is for me a super red flag. Super duper red flag. Nope. And mostly in your case, cause I have a very small group, but you have a very large group of friends and family.

funny.

Yeah, this is you're not going to fit in my world if you're like this.

Yeah. So negatively affecting your relationship with family and friends. That's that's a big cue that somebody's got a problem because.

Yeah, in your case, I could see you throwing them really quickly out because you because you're so tight with your friends and family.

No, that's

Well, here's the deal. Everybody needs to fit in. So for me, whether it's a friend or somebody that I have a love interest with, if they don't fit in my world, they don't fit in my world. Yeah, they're supposed to. When you bring somebody around, they're supposed to be open to being a part of what you're a part of.

and your tribe, your community, your friends, your family, whatever you want to call them, they have to fit in like, okay, so I've dated people that my mom never liked, but everybody else kind of got along with, or that...

You know, my friend had a problem with but then come to find out she just wanted to sleep with them. So I've gone through different things with different men. But what I find is if when they go into my world, they're polite and they talk freely and they try to just be open minded.

That's that's enough for me whether they negatively affect my family or friends. That's another story because people get offended all the time. I don't give a shit about that, but

Yeah, I agree with exactly what you said. Exactly.

Yeah, but you need to like come in trying basically as I would you know when I go into someone's life, I'm very I'm very careful to be uh open and honest and nice and well received and put together so that you know there's I'm not trying to make any waves I'm trying to just slip in you know as subtly as I can.

And that seems to work for me. I end up winning people over because I'm not trying to be anything or anybody. Um, but I didn't walk in being an asshole either.

Right. I agree with a hundred percent of what you just said. I think the bigger thing is coming to the family or friendships groups as who you are. Cause I don't, I never want to try to change anybody. You can be you. And if you negatively affect my friends on their side, that's not my problem. That's how they, how they...

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, no.

take you.

uh, interpret you, same with my family. Like my mom didn't like some people I dated and, but she kept it to herself. Um, but she never showed any, anything other than that. But as long as you're not going in and nitpicking things or going like, I don't, you know, I don't want you to hang out with your friends anymore.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

or I don't like this friend so I don't wanna go. To me, that's a negative effect. We all have to do things where you go to the dance. There's been people I've dated where I didn't like their friends, but I went with a smile and did my thing because that's what you do in a relationship. There's give and take. But I didn't try to negatively affect their friendship. I would never do that. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

You just try to coexist with them enough to where you're not offended by them. So you just, you know, just stay in it enough. But outside of their bullshit.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. And look, I can't, if I'm being me and my loved one likes and loves me, I can't worry about how the people on the outside, how they feel about me, because it doesn't matter. I just do my best to not make a wave. Because look, family's important and...

Good.

No.

Mm-hmm.

no matter how people slice or dice it, we all want a coexisting friendly environment to be in. And if I'm with somebody, I wanna be around their family because family generally makes people happy. So.

Yeah, some families. Because lately, oh my gosh, not. Yeah. I told my dad the other day, I said, you guys make it really hard for me not to move to Greece. Like, stop. Fuck. The Christmas season is approaching. Do we need to do this every year?

Some fam, look, some families have issues. Yeah, no, I getcha. But I think...

Ha!

Yeah, come on guys.

Yeah, no, and I think around the seasons is a whole other thing. You really look, there's a lot of Hollywood movies about crazy families during Christmas, and there's a reason because people get, you know, it becomes a weird thing. Here's one for me that's big only because I'm a talker now. Inability to communicate openly. I think that.

Yeah, that's a whole different...

How beautiful Christmas is.

I love that you said I'm a talker now. I love that.

Yeah, I mean, I wasn't for a long time, but I'm, you know, obviously, I'm a talker and, and I have no problem. Openly communicating with people. I will not try to hurt people though. I think that that's a bigger thing. So many people, when they communicate openly, go for the throat. And I think that that's a horrible thing to do. It's.

You're a talker.

You have to be able to.

I don't get that though. If somebody is coming at your throat, are they your significant others? Somebody that you want to be your partner or are they the enemy? Because if they're talking to you like you're the enemy, you're with the wrong fucking person. I've cussed a lot today. I gotta stop.

Mm hmm. Well, yeah. And and I don't want to be with somebody who makes me not want to be open. Because if I feel like I can't be open, it's that's my red flag out. I want to be able to tell you everything.

No.

You know what? You know, what's funny, though, is this seems to be the biggest problem for men today, that they can't be open, that they can't say how they're feeling, that women don't want to hear it. Women don't want to give them time. And I kind of like to talk to people and men, especially because they've got a different perspective than women. And I'm with women all day, every day. So I find that men.

Are really kind of surprised that they could be open with me because that's not their world and I feel so bad that men are feeling like that these days that they you suffer in silence is something I always hear or Or that they're not they don't they're not a value. I Don't know where I think as women were really screwing men over in this situation

Yeah, I think like there's a value in people. And they're different for different people. Don't get me wrong. But I think that not being able to communicate with somebody on either a very simple level or a very complex level because that's what relationships are. There's simple things like, hey, do you like this color green? I want to paint the room.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Or there's complex level, like, I'm having issues inside my family, what do you think? Those are two big things. And if you don't see that early in a relationship that where you can bounce something off somebody easily on a date and they clam up or don't know, or look, you know the type of person you are.

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

you need to understand the person that you want to be with. And I think, again, the dating aspect is lost now. People jump way too quickly into trying to make something with each other instead of, look, just, you know, get to know each other. And even if you've known each other forever,

Get to know each other.

There's still things you don't know, like the little idiosyncrasies of people. You have to learn those. These are very, and to me that is a form of communication. If I reach for your hand and you're not very likely to hold hands with me, I'm probably gonna bail, because I like that. These are small things, but in the scheme of things, they can become very large. We're at number 15. This.

Mm-hmm.

I agree.

Yes.

Lack of social connection or friends.

Yes, I think that that's kind of a big thing with the type of person you are. Obviously, if you're an introvert. Yeah, you especially. I like to be out and about with people. I have a, I probably have a very small group of friends, but I would say that I can lean on them. I don't have any kind of

For me especially.

anxieties or social shyness. So I can go anywhere even though I, you know, like to be at home. But if you know if you're with somebody who says it right away that I'm an introvert and you're not, it's probably not going to work. It's just, you know, like I do believe that you can have some kind of opposites and attract with each other. But if one's an introvert and one's an extrovert, it's never going to work.

Mm-hmm.

Right.

If you have people who generally don't like to be in social situations or with people, it's probably not going to work. So these are things that are big. And if you're the type of person who doesn't like to be around a lot of huge circle of friends, you're probably not going to survive.

Not in my world.

Not in your world. Well, exactly. And I think in a lot of people's worlds. But also if you're the type of person who likes to have a, like I like small groups of people. I'm not an extrovert to where I need to be at a party, but I'm an introvert where if I'm at home, I like to have the people that I like to be around, be around. And I could have 15 people at my house.

That's right, yeah.

but if they're the right people, it'll be the best time in the life. And I'm big on like barbecuing when I had a place that I could barbecue. Those are the type of events that I like to be at, small gatherings with the people that you wanna be around. So if that's, you know, but I can also go and do the party. Like I can do that. It's just the people need to know who I am. And I think that this comes that.

The communication and lack of social connection go hand in hand. You need to tell the type, the people that you're dating, who are you? Like, tell me who you are. To me, that's a question that you should ask on a first date or a second date. Like, just tell me who you are. And most people can't tell you who they are because they don't know. Like, I know the kind of nonsense I am, and I'm...

Mm-hmm.

open about who I am. But that intrigues me. Really? Who are you? You don't know who you are? Sure you do. You're a family person. These are, you're outgoing. You like to do these certain things. To me, that's still who you are. You don't have to get like down to the cell form. Like, I just wanna know, like, who are you?

See, I wouldn't know what to say though. If you ask me who I was.

And who you are could be four things, but at least that's because being able to say kind of who you are in a social atmosphere will lead to other people's bigger questions. And what I mean is it's a building block to me finding out who you are. So, I mean, to me,

Yeah.

Let me get you. I just wouldn't know what to say. Ha ha. There's so many things, I'm like, ugh.

No, you're right. There are so many things. And I think that these are the things that will come up during the dating period. But you have to be able to get out of these red flags, you know, fairly quickly. I don't want to ever come from two years into a relationship and go, I should have saw this. Because, you know,

Yeah.

Look, some people don't manifest that shit until two years and that's being honest I've heard that from other people they were great until this time or they were great until this time And and I've been through that like oh they were great and then something flipped a switch and they went off the rails That those are few and far between though. I think I think red flags are shown

um early and most of us overlook them for the other good right um i just uh i think we need to get um past that kind of thing now and look at the bigger picture and maybe that's just you know me putting things together but i think that red flags should be looked at

a little bit harsher. If you're looking for somebody to have a long-standing relationship with, you cannot overlook red flags.

Yeah, and all those red flags are like something you should really get the hell out of. Like to be honest, like, no, that wasn't red flag. That was deal breakers. That's what we used to call them.

Mm-hmm. No, for sure.

Exactly, exactly. I have a quote that I think kind of goes hand in hand with the red flags. Good is the enemy of the best, right? If you're only looking for the good, you'll only find the good. You have to look for the best and red flags will weed out the good because a lot of people are good. So any last things?

up with the bullshit because there are good people out there. Just be a good person and you'll attract what you are.

There you have it. I can't say anything else. Make sure to check out our social medias, the Instagram, Facebook, Soon to be YouTube. I'm getting on the old TikTok thing. I need to sit down with Tina. We're gonna start sending videos onto that here shortly through our person that we have on the backend. Make sure to check us out on Apple and Spotify, Google for now, all the platforms. Share the show and it'll be a long one. Look.

Yeah.

Hmm.

We really love you guys coming on and listening to us. It's a great thing. And yeah, it's an opinion show, so don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. Until next week, that's my co-host Tina. I'm Rob. We'll talk to you later on. Bye, Tina.

See ya!