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Have you ever wondered why relationships can be as complex as a labyrinth, filled with a myriad of twists and turns? This episode navigates the intricate dynamics of relationships, touching on the exhilarating honeymoon phase, the tough times of discord, and the unsettling uncertainties that may sneak in. We explore the glaring lack of relationship education, offering strategies to fortify, nurture, and allow your relationships to flourish, ultimately leading to the deep connection you crave.

We delve into the fascinating concept of energy in relationships and how your beliefs and thoughts can shape your world. Our exciting discussion breaks down the three key elements for a successful relationship: a common vision, shared values, and effective communication. We also dive into the powerful principle of Radical Forgiveness, demonstrating its potential to help heal past traumas. We highlight the intricate link between personal development and relationships, encouraging listeners to view these as opportunities for growth, healing, and understanding.

Lastly, we shed light on the profound impact our conscious and unconscious beliefs can have on our relationships. We address how these beliefs, if not properly managed, can unwittingly sabotage your relationship's success. We provide resources to help manage your thoughts and emotions, equipping you with the tools you need to create and maintain lasting relationships. Join us on this insightful journey as we provide you with practical guidance and resources to deepen your understanding and skill in navigating the labyrinth of relationships.

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Join David on an exclusive 3-Day Business & Mindset Virtual Intensive Nov 8th – 10th 2024: davidbayer.com/accelerator-intensive

Available on Amazon: A Changed Mind: Go Beyond Self Awareness, Rewire Your Brain & Reengineer Your Reality

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What We Explored This Episode

• 0:00 - Navigating Relationships With Doubts and Conflicts
• 3:55 - Understanding Relationships and Personal Responsibility
• 10:25 - Personal Development's Power in Relationships
• 22:10 - Transforming Beliefs for a Successful Relationship
• 33:52 - Additional Resources for Deeper Learning

Memorable Quotes

"You're about to embark on a journey of learning how to navigate the intoxicating highs and challenging lows of relationships, and discover the keys to preserving and nurturing your precious bonds."

"We'll explore the intriguing link between personal growth and relationships. Find out why attracting the wrong people might be a signal to step up your personal development game."

"Our partners can act as triggers for our own healing, and how our beliefs can quietly sabotage our relationships if left unchecked. We'll equip you with the tools to manage your thoughts and emotions, giving you the power to build lasting relationships."

Episode Resources

Radical Forgiveness: A Revolutionary Five-Stage Process to Heal Relationships, Let Go of Anger and Blame, Find Peace in Any Situation by Colin Tipping

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Virtual Intensive Podcast Promo (Oct 8 - Nov 8)

Hey, it's David. Welcome back to A Changed Mind, a sanctuary for your human spirit. A place where I will remind you each and every episode of the certainty of the goodness of future. It is so good to be here with you today. Again, if this is your first time, my name is David Barron. I'm your guide, your mentor, your friend. And if you have been here before, man, I'm so excited to get an episode with you. We're gonna be talking about relationship. And look, I don't have any other way to say this other than relationships require work. If you are in a relationship where there is argument, where there is friction, where there is disagreement, and you're starting to have some doubts about whether or not you're with the right person, or maybe you know you're with the right person, but you're wondering if you're ever going to have the type of relationship you initially envisioned when you first met your partner or your soulmate, let me just tell you, I've had those thoughts before too. And you are not alone. And so we're gonna be breaking down in this episode what happens when we go from the honeymoon days, or week, or months, or years when we first meet someone to then all of a sudden being in conflict. And I want to let you know that this conflict is normal. There is a reason why this happens. But if you don't have playbook for understanding, I guess what I would call the energetic ships and how we attract partner and what they're meant to reflect back to us can be very, very confusing. And I think the fact that, you know, we're not really taught this in our educational system, and we don't have a playbook, is why the separation-divorce rates are so high. And that's causing a major issue in society in general, because we've got a lot of single parents doing the best they can to raise children. But I'm a big believer that, you know, having two parents is a very, very important and ideal situation. Of course, you want to have child have a parent, but two is important. And so we're gonna be talking about how to maintain, preserve, grow our relationship, and establish the type of intimacy and passion connection that we dream of. If this is not your first time with me, but you haven't yet had a chance to leave a rating or a review on your favorite podcast platform, and you love today's episode, please, wherever you're listening, whether it's Spotify or Apple or otherwise, leave me a review and a rating. Check out all of them. If you're joining me on YouTube, do me a favor, subscribe to the channel. Post a comment. Let me know what resonates with you. What you disagree with, that's totally okay too. Or what questions you have. We're gonna be diving deep into this conversation around relationship. And it's important to understand that everything is energy. If you've listened to any other episode, you know that I'm a big proponent of what Buddha and Gandhi and all of the great thinkers said, which is, mind is everything, come your product, thought, beliefs, create your reality. You know, there's a little book called Think and Grow Rich by Napoleon Hill, the number one best selling business book in the history of books, unless you think perhaps Bible or whatever your favorite scripture is a business book. And the book really wasn't even about business. It was about how your thought create your reality and your belief systems are creating the relationship 100%. If you're not willing to take what I would call radical responsibility for the fact creating your own reality, you are always going to be a victim of the external circumstances in your life, including your partner, their mood, their attitude, their traumas, their limiting beliefs, their insecurities. So the only way we can navigate powerfully through any area of whether it's relationship, health, wealth, business, spiritual development, or our purpose, is to realize that we're powerful creators. Create through the mechanism of our thoughts and our emotions. So you've attracted someone into your life who is a mirror of your own. And what I mean by that is they represent the best and they represent the most limited of how you think. They represent the experiences that you had in childhood. They represent your beliefs. They represent childhood traumas, your hurts. And we often hear that, you know, I married my mom or I married my dad. And well, that just makes sense, right? Because if most of what you believe, if not all of what you believe, these programs were installed in you before the age seven by your parents, or the meanings that you gave your childhood as a result of the absence of a parent, if in fact the meanings that you gave the experience of your life are informing the way you think now as an adult, then it just makes perfect sense. The person you attract be like mom or dad. In other words, if your mom or your dad caused you to feel like you weren't good enough, or they caused you to believe that you want to do things right, you have to do it on your own, or if they caused you to believe or the meanings you gave the experience of childhood was that you trust people, then that's what you're gonna attract in your life, first and foremost, with your intimate partner. So yeah, you've married your mom or your dad. And a lot of people ask me, when do I stay in a relationship? And that's a valid question before we get into how your partner is reflecting back to you, your ownness, and what you do as part of the healing process, work more effectively with your partner. One of my mentors said to me, look, there are three things that you have to have if you are going to be in a relationship that work. And if you have these three things, number one is a shared vision. And that means that it doesn't have to be, you know, completely identical, but there needs to be like a Venn diagram overlap between where you and your partner want to go, and the type of lifestyle that you want to have, the type of relationships that you want to have with other people, type careers that you want to have, whether or not family. Again, it doesn't have to be a hundred percent match, but you have to have a shared. Number two is shared value. You have to value the same types of things, the same characteristics, same qualities. For example, if someone really values their alone time, and they're with someone who puts no value on alone time, that can create friction in a relation. If one person values honesty, and another person doesn't value honesty, that's gonna create friction. And value friction is something very, very difficult to overcome. So you have to have shared value, shared value, shared vision. Number three is you have to be with someone who's willing to work on themselves. Now, this comes in varying degrees. You know, in my own relationship, there are certain areas where Carol is much more willing to be open and communicate than I am, and certain areas where I'm much more open to communicate. Different degrees, but again, if you look at the space where we're able to meet in the middle, there's a lot of common ground about our willingness. Sometimes we go kicking and screaming, but our willingness to, you know, do our own work, and to take responsibility for how we're showing up a relationship, rather than externally blaming, blaming the other person. That doesn't mean we don't do it, and we certainly did it a lot more early on in our relationship than we do now, but that's because we came to understand that the reactions that we were having in the relationship were not caused by someone else, but as a result of some work through, and ultimately healed inside of ourselves. And one of the books that made a really great impact on us was a book called Radical Forgiveness by an author named Colin Tipping. Colin Tipping has since passed, but he does a fantastic job of articulating within the relationship realm of what we assert in every aspect of your life, which is, hey, you're creating these circumstances and situations. You're attracting the quote-unquote toxic relationship, that when you're abandoned in a relationship, it's because there was some fear of abandonment inside of you. And he says when you take responsibility for the fact that you're creating these relationship dynamics, then ultimately what you can do is give for other people, no matter how badly you hurt. He believes that forgiving those who have hurt you is a very important process in clearing out the energetic of those traumas and those limiting beliefs, which again started very early age, time we can barely remember, so that you can actually clear out the space and make room for, you know, your ideal soulmate. And so, and that just makes sense too, right? Because if you don't have a feeling, for example, of unworthiness that's already inside of you, then it doesn't matter who your partner is, they could never make you feel worth. But if you do have inside you a belief that don't have value or you're not worthy or you're good enough, then energetically you're gonna attract someone who's gonna reflect that back to you. And so relationships are a yin and a yang. You're going to attract someone who's pretty much a perfect match for your level of conscious. When, before I got into my drug and alcohol and pornography recovery, before I realized I was an addict and got into a 12-step program and started doing the healing work for myself, I was attracting people who weren't the kind of people that today I would want to be in a relationship. Well, I don't want to be in a relationship with anyone today other than my wife. But my point is, is that, you know, oftentimes when we're attracting people who aren't the types of people that we ultimately want to be with, that means that we need to elevate, you know, our personal development because you're attracting someone who's cut from the same cloth that you are. And even as you start doing the work on yourself, committed to a personal development practice, spiritual development practice, you're learning how to live according to noble values, trying to become more self-aware, you're developing emotional resiliency and emotional capacity. Consciousness is a rich, layered, complex struct. And so even though you're doing the work, there are parts of you that are still limited, still worn and healed. And when you attract your soulmate, that person is going to reflect that back to you. And ultimately, what happens is that those things that you have insecurity about, your partner is going to bring out of you. And this is a really good thing because when you're in a conscious relationship, and you recognize that when your partner triggers something inside of you, it's actually inside of you, it gives you the opportunity to heal it. Now, again, the challenge is that either we blame Emily, or we are in a relationship where we don't have this level conscious. And so we end up in this loop where there's frustration, where there's argument, where there's misunderstanding, and we get to a point of exasperation, where we feel like nothing's ever really changed. And so in order to improve the dynamic of your relationship, the only thing you can do is take responsibility for your... A great example is Carol and I, Carol and I are very, very different. Carol is very organized, she's very structured in the way that lives her life. I may be structured in the way that conversations are information. You know, I wake up in the morning, and I'll go have coffee before I make my bed. I'll come home after being out, and I'll put my shoes by the front door rather than closet. And one of the classic interactions that I've shared with our community that Carol and I have, was friction around organization. And I used to have this reaction, like I deserve to be able to not be as organized, or to make my bed later, or to leave shoes near the front door. Because, you know, I work hard, good husband, good CEO. I've sort of earned, or I've become entitled to be able to do these things. And what I didn't realize was that that was just a program of entitlement that I observed with my dad. My dad worked 70, 80, 90 hours a week. He was commuting two, three hours from Orange County, California to Los Angeles. He was an attorney. Very intense, high-pressure work with three kids, and a big mortgage to pay, and a much younger father than I was. And so when my dad came home, he had a sense of entitlement. I remember there was this chair, the dad chair. And if anybody else was sitting in the chair, it was very clear that you move, because dad, dad, chair. And so I adopted this idea of entitlement. And it felt like an affront to me that I needed to adhere Carol's, you know, organizational requirement. Carol, on the other hand, has used structure to be able to survive. Carol had some experiences when she was younger, where she suffered abuse. And in reaction to that abuse, she took extreme control of her own. She came to a conclusion that she couldn't trust people, and that she could do everything on her own. And by extension, she didn't trust men, and she didn't need them. And so she became a highly efficient machine of execution and organization. It was no surprise that she ended up being an engineer at her university in the way that she is a structured thinker. She was one of the top of class. She was the only woman who got accepted within that graduating class into engineering school. She became a senior director of global business development for an infrastructure company, and was very, very successful in her career, built her way up from not even speaking English and working at 7-11 to then being customer care rep for a big insurance company, to then being the number two person in that insurance company. And so she was able to look back on her life and see that through structure and through organization, she was able to be successful. And so in the same token, she used structure and organization in order to make sure that the household ran efficiently. And we had this conf because of our diff programs where I felt entitled to do what I wanted to do. She, in a sense, felt threatened and also disrespected if I didn't adhere to organization. And so as much as we tried to convince each other that I was entitled to do these things, and it wasn't that big of a deal, and it wasn't being very organized by any external observation, and her trying to convince me that this was the right way to do things, and that I was actually being incredibly sloppy and disorganized, we just had friction, friction, friction, friction. And it actually wasn't until we read Colin Tip's book that we both agreed, hey, let me take a look at my own reaction. And we were able to backtrack it to the belief systems we developed when we were children. And this was the same thing with one of my clients. One of my clients had been married for years. His wife is super organized. She has a particular way of doing things. And he came to me because he said, listen, I feel suffocated. I feel trapped. I'm experiencing a lot of anxiety because of the structure that she's wanting me to adhere to. And when we dove a little bit deeper and actually got on a conversation with both of them, she felt like he didn't help her, that he was too focused on business, and that he wasn't present for her. And so when I got into it with both of them, we realized that he felt trapped because he grew up in an environment where his parents argued a lot. There was nowhere for him to go. And he used academics and athletics hobbies to be able to escape that emotional trauma. And her dad left her when she was eight years old, wasn't present. And so she took control of her own life and became controlling. And when she starts to control, he checks out. And when he checks out, she feels like she's being abandoned. And so these types of historicalbelief systems or traumas are playing out in our interpersonal dynamics and what ends up happening is we get caught in what could be referred to as a psycho-cybernetic loop, meaning your trigger triggers your partner's trigger and your partner's trigger triggers your and you just end up in this trigger loop where in an effort to get out of the loop we want to convince our partner that whatever it is we're doing is right and whatever it is they're doing is wrong. We're trying to convince them of a different belief system which is impossible for them to buy into because of how deep-rooted grained and well-worn the belief system that they're coming from is and so rather the opportunity if you want to have a conscious and connected relationship and to be able to heal is to heal is to do your own work to actually take a look at what is you and to do the personal work to heal whatever's coming up. We have plenty of other episodes that talk about how to transform your beliefs, how to become more self-aware, what to do when you've identified that you're living a pattern of the past and how to make a new empowered decision and find evidence for the fact that this old limiting belief is actually untrue and how to create breakthroughs around psychology and habitual emotional experience but ultimately the solution is for you to do your own inner work because when you no longer have the trigger inside of you now all of a sudden you change the interpersonal dynamic with your partner. In other words in the example that I'm giving around the organizational conflict with Carolyn and by the way it could be a hundred different con that we've run into over the course of our decade-plus long relation that each one gives us opportunity to reflect within ourselves and heals to be more present, more loving, passionate, more courageous and more powerful. That's why being in a relationship is such an extraordinary experience and why having friction in a relationship is normal it's because it's one of the greatest catalysts for your own personal growth when you know how to play the game. But the the conflict between Carol and I changed when we stopped responding the way that we had been habitually responding to each other. I remember specifically when I came home one day and Carol had made a comment about me not putting away my shoes and they were by the front door and rather than trying to convince her of my belief system that I was entitled to put stuff wherever I wanted to house, I put my shoes away, apologized to her, I acknowledged how much I appreciate that keeps the house structure in an order all of which true and what an amazing job she was doing as a that time girlfriend. There were times where Carol would react differently. I'd leave my shoes near the front door and she would say, hey sweetheart I just want to acknowledge shoes are by the front door I know you've been working really hard but whenever you get a chance if you don't mind put them away in closet feel I know that my thing and I just prefer to have a more organized neat house that's that's not necessarily your priority but you would do that. And so as we changed we started preventing the passing back forth of the hot potato over and over over and so again your partner is just bringing up whatever's inside of you to be healed and that's one of the things that we teach fundamental to our methodology is that the suffering you're experiencing is not a result of circulation. In other words my frustration and my anger was not a result of Carol telling me that my shoes shouldn't be by the door. My frustration and anger was a result of the meaning that I was giving experience that she shouldn't be saying those things to me because I sort of And so your partner is never causing the emotions or the thought or the reaction you're experiencing. In fact critical to understand that the thought the emotions and the reactions having to your partner those have been there for a long long time. That's what has attracted you to this person because they're a perfect energetic match for whatever is inside of you that be healed. Along with all the wonderful things that are completely in alignment the reason why you fell in love with this person and why you want to continue to be with them and why investing in improving your relationship is important to you and why you're listening to this podcast episode. One other fundamental thing that is very very important as we go through an evolution of our relationship as as a result of friction or conflict we start to seek resources and answers on what we can do to improve our relationship and here you've sought an answer and you're getting an answer which is take radical responsibility for your own reaction. Have forgiveness for the other person because they have no choice but to be reacting this way. That's why you've energetically saddled up with them and know that if you do the work yourself to take a look at what is your fear what is your resentment what is your belief system and to acknowledge that that was actually the cause not the effect of this interacting with partner and to use whatever trance tools you have access to in order to transform or let go of whatever that limiting leave old trauma is. As you're working through these dynamics in your relationship it can be very easy to layer on another belief complicate situation even more and that belief looks something like maybe I married the wrong person or maybe I'm with wrong person or I'm not with the right person. It's when doubt begins insert itself into the relationship because your brain is a goal-achieving machine and if as a result of friction and spiritual growth that is a natural occurring phenomenon within a relationship you misinterpret that as maybe I'm not the right person which is why at the beginning of this episode I shared with you what I believe are the three requirements number one shared vision number two shared values and number three a willingness to work on yourself to be able to communicate and by the way that third piece may take time to come if you've got shared vision and shared values stick with the relationship really set an intention that you're gonna you're gonna that your partner and you are gonna be doing the work and be more and more capable of healthy communication over time 99% of the time that occur but what you can do is begin to adopt this limiting belief you're not the right person as I mentioned before the challenge with that is brain is a goal-achieving machine so now you start to have more thoughts and ideas around this not being the right person you start to notice confliction even more you start to put even more emphasis on it you start to have thoughts that this is hopeless he or she is never going to change this is never going out you start to embody that emotionally and then you start to show up as someone who doesn't believe the relationship can last within the dynamic of your relationship so now at an unconscious level you start to say things and do things to begin to sabotage the relationship your beliefs are very very powerful in terms of directing your perception there's a part of your brain called the reticular activating system which is the part of your brain that starts to notice the car that you bought everywhere on the road well if you unconsciously develop this subtle sinister belief that this relationship is never going to work out even though all you're experiencing are the natural frictions and interpersonal dynamics that a relationship is designed to be then now you're gonna start noticing only the bad things in the relationship and you're not going to notice any of good thing and that can corrupt a relationship and bring a very good relationship to its termination so you have to be very conscious of the meaning that you're giving this experience of the relationship and the challenges that you're having itself the challenges are normal as I mentioned for the friction is normal being in a relationship is is work it's what a lot of people would describe as hard work but if you have those shared values and vision and you believe that there's an opportunity possibility of improved communication and working on oneself every relationship can work out and become the dream relationship that you've you've dreamed up at one of my live events a woman stood up and she was actually with her husband and she said I need some coaching on this because our relationship is not passionate it's not intimate I'm trolling I'm demanding mean to him I know I mean to him as a result he's showing up in if she described it as in his feminine I've emasculated him now there's like nothing left in our relationship I don't find him attractive at all we've got kids you know what do we do and by the way that dynamic is not an uncommon dying women being wounded when they were younger who use control as a mechanism to protect themselves who then get into a relationship with a man are controlling in the dynamic of the relationship the man himself doubting his masculinity and so he starts to back off of his masculinity while the woman moves the masculine role and the man moves in feminine role and then the entire it's function so I was glad that she had brought it up help a lot of people in the room we had a thousand people at this live event and so I asked her a little bit tell me a little bit more about the relationship she had explained that when he had proposed to her she was not he caught her off so she believed that she said yes even though he wasn't the right person so the entire time that they had been married she had a belief that she married wrong and I had coached with them for and I saw how much he loved her and what a good and so I saw values I didn't know about vision yet values go along hey and I knew that they were already willing to work on themselves because they were at my live event they've been in one of my coaching program and they were clearly wanting find a way to work on the relationship she just believed that in a sense hopeless and was bringing it up and one of the distinctions we teach is that there are only two states of being powerful states and primal states you're either in a state of emotion that feels good with powerful state or you're in a state of emotion feels bad prime state and it's a really beautiful binary distinction you're always in one state of being or the other and you're never in two states time and one of the things that we teach as I had mentioned earlier is that when you're in a primal state or a state of suffering anger frustration worry overwhelm stress caused by one thing and one thing only which is what it is you think or what it is you believe it's not caused or it's not a thing some said the meaning you're giving it's not an unexpected bill showing up in the mail the causing over what it's fact you give that very meaning she's out of money you haven't that's what's creating your primal state of emotion stress anxiety and overwhelm and one of the other things that we found is that whenever you move into a primal state the quality of that thinking which is the only thing that causing you this emotional reaction is that it's not true so as she was unpacking for me what she believed about her relations she had married the wrong person I asked her I said well does that move you into a powerful state or a primal state does that feel good or cause you to feel bad she said it causes bad and so I asked her I said so what does that mean and she said well based on your teachings that it means that's true I said well then what must be true and she goes that I married the right man and I said yeah that's right and now you can imagine how confused she was she's like Dave I just stood up in front of a thousand people told you like he rushed the proposal I said yes expected I I know I married the wrong man I marry him but the third step in this process is well so what evidence do you have for the fact that a true that you married the perfect man so I asked her that and she rattled off one she said he's a really good dad kid and I said okay what other evidence do you have for fact married perfect she said he's pretty much willing to do it I said well what other evidence you have for fact where he perfect she said she smiled well I really loved I asked her one more time what other evidence you have fact married she paused for a moment she broke down she literally sobbed intensely for about 30 sec in between sobs we were able to make out what she said was oh my god so sorry for the last 15 years I've been living according live married and apologized to her husband and it was the most moment but that's how powerful beliefs are they can completely disorient you what's really true because whatever it is you believe that's what you pay attention to and you're only gonna find evidence to support your belief and you're gonna exclude all other evidence supports anything other than belief you have so as you're working to create an extraordinary relation with person that you're in a relationship with or if you're not in a relationship right now when you eventually do attract someone it's important that you have a belief that this relationship can be extraordinary you believe that this relationship would be extraordinary if you believe friction and the conflict normal if you believe that inter relational dynamics you and your partner are designed for them trigger the thing you that are wanting healed and that this relationship is a spiritual relationship I in growth and that it's not meant to be easy but it's meant to be amazing then you can you can make any relation to have radical forgive for the other person knowing that of course they're showing this way because they have do that to you consciousness that needs to be healed inside of you and so you either work on your relationship which is hard work really is but if you if you work hard on your relationship you can have an amazing or you grow yourself and when you do that you're pretty much destined to repeat same patterns of relationship because the relationship self is designed to help you heal those parts of you that are an energetic match for your part so I hope that's been helpful for you giving you some insights into the dynamics what's on in a relationship it's not a magic pill strategy this isn't all of a sudden you understand so now you're part more open and more amenable but look my my impression for you is that you do the work so if you're willing to do the work yourself look at triggers my relationship with your partner and again to use the tools that we teach or any tools you have access to in order to do that transformative work just watch how the miracles start to fold in your relationship terms how your chain again if you love this episode do me a favor scribe to the channel leave me a rating leave me a comment leave me a review I love being here with you I love being able to share with you what my experience has been in marrying the woman of my dream not having a perfect relationship using it as an energy to grow and now having an amazing relationship with someone who is my soulmate and I wish the same thing for you I'll see you in the