Shownotes
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In this episode, we discuss the feeling of being stuck in a relationship. We mentioned the lack of energy exchange and the challenge of staying together for sake of the children.
We explore the importance of having a clear vision for your relationship and how to influence positive change without directly pushing your partner. This conversation is for anyone in need of inspiration as to how to create real change in relationships.
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Available on Amazon: A Changed Mind: Go Beyond Self Awareness, Rewire Your Brain & Reengineer Your Reality
Download the Audiobook: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0DCKF721M
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What We Explored This Episode
00:06:07: Understanding the Reflection of Your Emotions in Relationships
00:10:42: Letting Go and Allowing Change to Happen
00:14:16: Living in Two Realities: Old and New Relationship Dynamics
00:17:21: The Role of Behavioral Psychology in Relationship Dynamics
00:19:54: The Importance of Radical Responsibility
00:20:25: Recommended Reading: "Radical Forgiveness" by Colin Tipping
00:21:28: Real-Life Examples of Relationship Transformation
00:23:00: The Power of Mastering Your Own Mindset
00:24:00: Encouragement and Hope for Relationship Improvement
00:25:02: Modeling Healing and Responsibility for Children
Memorable Quotes
"If you don't want to have arguments in your relationship, then what you do want is to have peace and harmony. If you don't want to have sexual abstinence, then what you want to have is sexual passion."
"The good news is, if you apply everything that we talk about on this channel, life is always working for our greatest growth, our greatest prosperity, and our greatest evolution."
"You have so much power to influence the people that you love. You have so much control over your own experience when you learn to master your own mindset."
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Transcripts
Hey, it's David. Welcome back to A Changed Mind, A Sanctuary for Your Spirit, a place where each and every episode I will remind you of the certainty of the goodness of the future. I'm your friend, your host, your guide, David Baer and today is a dating app episode. If you have been feeling stuck in your relationship, maybe there's been no passion, there's no exchange of energy, perhaps there's a lot of arguing or a misalignment, you started out perhaps being with or marrying someone you were super in love with and then you transitioned at some point to being best friends and now maybe you're not even best friends anymore. There's disconnection and friction. You're absolutely gonna love this episode. I'm gonna talk about how to fix a broken relationship and honestly it does not matter how long the habit of your broken relationship has been persistent. It does not matter what your partner is doing or what they don't understand. It doesn't, all of the reasons that you might have for why this relationship can't work, we're gonna throw out the window and you're gonna see by the end of this episode absolutely how to fix a broken relationship. And this was inspired by one of our community members, somebody who posted on comment on one of my other videos and I'll keep her anonymous but I'll put the post on the screen for those of you who are watching on YouTube. She said, I feel stuck in my current relationship. There's no exchange of energy between the two of us. At the same time, quitting isn't an option because of our daughter. I don't know what to do. Please advise. So I'm gonna do some advising here and I'm gonna talk about how we can create change in any relationship that we're in and how in effect we can influence and persuade our partner. And the irony of all of this is that the way that we're gonna persuade and influence our partner is not actually by encouraging them to do anything different. So let me tell you my story. I had been in bad relationship after bad relationship until I was in my mid-30s. I was at a different level of consciousness. I was attracting people who were reflecting back to me a lot of my unprocessed trauma. I was had a very poor list of the priorities of what was important for me in terms of finding a partner. Most of it was aesthetic. And the good news is is that after I'd gone through enough bad relationships, those experiences helped me to get very very clear on the type of person that I wanted to be with. There was one bad relationship in particular where it was the first relationship that I was aware of that I had ever been cheated on and it was devastating to me. And after she was dumped by the guy that she cheated on me with, she came back to me and I went back into the relationship perhaps because I didn't have the level of esteem that I have for myself today. And and then she cheated on me again with the same guy. So the good news is if you apply everything that we talked about on this channel, life is always working for our greatest growth, our greatest prosperity, and our greatest evolution. And so that helped me get very very clear on who I wanted to be with. I wanted to be with someone who was honest. I wanted to be with someone who was committed. I wanted to be with someone who was about passion, about life. I want to be with someone who wanted to make a difference in the world. I wanted to be with someone who I could grow with, have fun with, who would challenge me, who would help me continue to grow and evolve. And I went through a significant period of time where I was single, especially as I was working my sex addiction recovery. And it was several years into my recovery that I made a decision at the end of the year, it was around Christmas, Christmas Eve, that I didn't know how, I didn't know when, but I was going to meet a beautiful intelligent Colombian woman and make her my wife. And two weeks later, through a series of extraordinary synchronicities, I met Carol, who is now my wife, a beautiful Colombian woman. And at first I had believed that because I had done a significant amount of personal growth work, I was going to attract someone that I wasn't going to have any friction with. And that wasn't the case at all. So it's important to understand that whatever is going on in your relationship right now, what's coming up for you in the relationship is a reflection of you. The things that make you angry, the things that make you sad, the things that make frustrated, those vibrations are inside of you. We could take another version of you or a completely different person who could be in a relationship with the same person you're in a relationship with, who would have a different emotional reaction. There are certain things your partner would do that wouldn't make that person angry or sad or upset or frustrated. And so if that's true, then it must mean that the anger, the frustration, and the sadness is inside of you. And so it's a vibration that's held inside of you. And it's part of the reason why you attract this person. For all of the wonderful resonances inside of you, the excitement, the joy, the curiosity, the passion, the fun, that's why you attracted this person. And you also attracted them because they match the things inside of you that need to be healed. And so this person that you're with right now is a perfect partner for you based on where you are right now and the things that are coming up inside of you emotionally and psychologically that are ready to be healed. So let's just set that container around this conversation. There's nothing wrong. Things may be frustrating. They may have been going on this way for a long, long time. You may have tried to solve the problem and nothing you've tried to do has actually solved the problem or transformed the relationship. But this is a perfect relationship for you right now. And so the first question I want you to answer, ask yourself, and then answer is, what do you want? What is the vision you have for this relationship? See, sometimes we get so used to the pattern of misbehavior or the patterns of unmet expectations or the patterns of disappointments that that's all that we become aware of. And so if we want to heal a broken relationship, the first question is, what do you want? Have a vision for the relationship. Now the beautiful thing is that it's probably easier for you to write down all the things that you don't like in your relationship. As an exercise, you can do that. But whatever the opposite of those things are is what you do want, right? If you don't want to have arguments in your relationship, then what you do want is to have peace and harmony. If you don't want to have sexual abstinence, then what you want to have is, you know, sexual passion. If what you don't want is your partner to not be interested in the things that you're interested in, which is what you may be experiencing right now, then what you do want is for there to be common aligned interests. And so you want to create a vision for the relationship. And this is a new opportunity because the vision you came into the relationship with was based on sort of an unknown. You hadn't spent time with your partner yet. Now that you've been with your partner and you've gotten to know them, there are some things that you appreciate about them. And there are some things, some dynamics that you'd like to see change. Those things that you'd like to see changed, we can call contrasts. Those things that you enjoy, we can call preferences. So the contrasts that you're experiencing help you become aware of future preferences, right? The opposite of what you don't like in the relationship is what you do like or what you do want. And this is the first step in creating change in anything in your life. You have to know what you want. That's step one. In another video, which I'll ask my team to put into the show notes, I talk about this five-step creation process that was originally spoken about by Abraham and Esther Hick. But in the five-step process, the first step is know what you want. So use what you're not enjoying about your relationship to get clear on what you want. That's step one. Step two is change will begin to take place. And it'll begin to take place without your involved. See, having a vision is a very powerful thing. What you're doing is you're creating a container of potential around your relationship and the possibility of change around your partner. And that's a very powerful influence. We have the ability to influence other people through our vision of them and our vision for them and a vision for our relationship with them. I'll say that again. We have the power to influence other people through the vision we have of them or for them or for our relationship with them. See, Jesus, as we understand Jesus, had the capacity to have a vision for someone without any resistance or friction in his belief. He could see someone in their health and he could see that vision so powerfully without any resistance to that vision that the person would literally become transformed. They would transform from their disease into health. Jesus had the ability to activate the vibration of health which is dormant as potential in every human being based on his vision and his belief for them. And so you have the ability to activate energy or vibration or chain within your partner by holding a vision of what you want for them and in the context of the relationship. So step one is you must have the vision. Step two is the vibration within them and the cooperative components necessary to create that change begin to organize without you doing anything. This is the surrender part. This is where you let go and you let God. You say, I've already placed my order. I have my vision. Now I'm gonna be patient as it unfolds. And what will inevitably occur is your partner will start to think things, hear things, perceive things differently as a result of the vision that you're holding. You're gonna create the possibility for them to break their psychological and emotional habits that have created the current dynamic that you have with them in the relationship by holding this vision. Now the important thing is to not involve yourself in the process of transformation. The transformation will take place on its own. They'll catch a YouTube video that will somehow be aligned with the changes that you're wanting to see in the relationship and that will influence the way that they look at things or see things. They'll just have an idea or they'll hear someone say something or they'll see an example of another couple out doing things together and it will register and imprint itself psychologically and emotionally on them. And then if you're patient and you don't disrupt the environment of transformation, they will begin to change. It's very much like what I remember when I was a kid and we watched Star Trek and they would go visit other civilizations but the rule of thumb was like don't get involved. Step one is you have a vision for what you'd like to see in your relationship. Step two is don't get involved. Let go and let God. Let the transformation begin to take place. You've done your job by activating the vibration of potential inside of them. You've activated it inside of you and allow it to work itself out through the miracles of infinite intelligence. Step three and this is really your only responsibility in the transformation or the repair of a broken relationship. Don't entangle with the old relationship when it shows up. See what's happened is you and your partner have developed a relationship dynamic and you have the opportunity to continue to feed that old dynamic or let the old dynamic play out and unwind on its own. Another way of looking at this is your partner has unprocessed trauma or vibration or belief systems that are active in them and so do you and those traumas have a relationship and so there are things that your partner will say or do out of old patterns the old relationship that is in the process of changing and if you respond in the old way to the old pattern you're now contributing to the perpetuation of the old pattern and you will slow or diminish the possibility of change. So you don't want to entangle with your partner as they're playing out the old story, as they show a lack of interest for what you're working on or passionate about, as they seem to talk down to you or be demeaning in their approach to you, as they again become forgetful and don't organize things around the house or contribute in a meaningful way. We get a lot of people in our community who are on the personal and spiritual development journey and they become frustrated because their partner doesn't seem to be on that same path as them and my encouragement is step one have the vision of them being on the path with you, step two get out of the way, step three don't entangle with the old dynamic because it's going to show up because the change requires some time and so inevitably their partners show up and say I can't believe you're investing in another personal development program or going to another event with someone or reading another book or they would like to share an important spiritual distinction that they've discovered and their partner shows no interest. The key to step three is pay no attention. Pay no attention to the old relationship dynamic as it continues to show up. See what's important here to understand is that you're going to be living almost in two realities simultaneously. Live in the knowingness that the vision you have for this healthy, passionate, engaged, whatever, changed relationship is occurring, right? Live in that future relationship now and hold the container or the vibration or the thoughts and emotions as if you were living in that materialized relationship now and you're going to be in the old relationship. So we want to give our attention to the potential of the new relationship dynamic through visualization, through the desire, through knowing what you want, through noticing the small changes or the things that you do like about your partner and we want to withdraw our attention from the old relationship dynamic as it shows up. It's in the process of transformation and we slow the transformation down when we allow what's inside of us to become triggered by whatever becomes active in our partner's dynamic. So how do we do this? Well step three, which is you leaving it alone and letting go and letting God, we use a tool called loving presence. You become the loving presence. You become this sort of solid state energy that facilitates the transformation of your relationship dynamic by being in the space with your partner without judging your partner, without being in fear of the relationship dynamic never changing, without saying to yourself, oh there he or she goes again. You operate within the dynamic of your relationship with a higher level of consciousness knowing that the change is taking place and knowing that everything that you're seeing right now in the old patterns of behavior with your partner are just old parts of your partner that are working themselves out that are wanting to be healed. We have a loving presence for example when our partner is controlling, knowing that they are in pain and that something happened to them when they were children that they haven't yet processed and that this has nothing to do with you and we hold a loving presence. When our partners are stressed or worried or overwhelmed or angry we hold a loving presence. That doesn't mean that from time to time we don't set boundaries and remove ourselves from that environment if we feel that we need to, if it becomes difficult for us to be the loving presence. But to facilitate the change in your relationship, it's not about your partner changing, it's about you changing in the dynamic with your partner by becoming what we call the loving presence by knowing that what's coming is going, that the old ways that your partner is representing in the old patterns and dynamics are working their way out because you've already placed your order and God or higher power is working on. And this isn't some sort of new age woo-woo, I mean some of it is, but it's really an understanding of behavioral psychology in relationship dynamics. If you want to change your partner's behavior then you have to change the dynamic of the relationship between you and your partner. If you want to change the dynamic of the relationship with you and your partner then you're the one who has the power. You can create the change and you create that change by not allowing what's inside of you that becomes triggered. Your fears, your limiting beliefs, your traumas, you're not good enough, nobody listens to me, that stuff is stuff for you to work out on your own. And when you work that stuff out on your own, because it's not from your partner, it's inside of you and your partner is just reflecting it, then you can be a loving presence. And when you can be a loving presence, you can essentially facilitate the healing of your partner. Again, we can look back to stories in Scripture and this was described as an exorcism, right? It was the old self or the wounded self or the trauma leaving the body, the spirit, the psychology, the nervous system of another person when they were in the presence of love, of someone who was not gonna entangle with that possession. But just take note that this is what we do. We entangle with the possession of our partner, right? We're possessed, they're possessed, it's unresolved trauma and those two possessions are now having a relationship rather than the two people who fell in love in the first place. The good news is that we can heal all. Again, how do we heal it? Well, rather than continuing to beat the drum of what we don't want, use what we're experiencing that we don't want, the contrast in our relationship to get clear on what we do want and now have a vision. Make a list of the vision. Now know that you're, as soon as you place that order for the vision, you're already living in it. You're just waiting for the old to cycle out and life will organize the cooperative components, in this case your partner changing, or in some cases but very rare, an amicable separation between you and your partner to replace your current partner with the new partner that who matches the vision. Number three is don't get entangled. You've got your own work to do. The stuff that's being triggered inside of you is your stuff to clear out and when you do the work to clear that stuff out on your own, you can be the loving presence. What happens when you're the loving presence is that your partner's trauma, their old ways have nothing to cling to, they have nothing to energize them. So just like when a fever breaks and sort of works itself out, a fever comes and a fever goes, their old ways will come and their old ways will go. But it will require a spiritual vigilance on your part to not get entangled with those old parts of them that are going to try to lash out and trigger you because that's their life. There's a book that I recommend, other than of course my own book, A Changed Mind, but a book that really hones in on this idea and the author Colin Tipping, who's no longer with us but wrote the book, called Radical Forgiveness, talks about radical forgiveness. It talks about how to be in the space with what I'm calling loving presence by understanding that your partner is just reflecting back to you everything that's inside of you that's not yet healed. And your partner is giving you an opportunity to become aware of that which wants to be healed inside of you and to do the work. And if you're willing to do the work, then in miraculous ways your partner changes. And there is no exception to the structure of what I'm sharing with you. I've seen people in relationships with alcoholics and drug addicts who have become hopeless, who cast a vision for what the relationship could look like, let go and let God, did their own work to identify what was coming up inside of them as a result of the relationship friction, to work on healing it, not completely, but to make some great progress in healing themselves. And then all of a sudden their partner changed, you know, started working on a 12-step program, stopped using drugs, stopped using alcohol. There's a story I told in another episode of a woman on one of my coaching calls who said, hey, I'm challenged by my child, right? Obviously we're in relationship with everyone. We're in a relationship with our significant other. We're in relationship with our children. She said, my child is autistic and he gets really, really active and fired up and angry and then I get angry and we end up in this dynamic. What can I do to change it? I shared with her the same framework. Get clear on the vision based on the things that you don't like. Know that life is gonna start working on your son in miraculous ways. Do the work by identifying what has been coming up for you inside of you and transform it and be a loving presence for your son. And about two months later she said, you're not gonna believe it. Our whole relationship changed. He's so much calmer. He respects my space. He comes to me when he needs me. And it's like, yes, because you no longer have this consistent habitual activation of your nervous system in a very specific vibration of your old traumas and your limiting beliefs that you can't get it all done, that there's not enough time, that you're not gonna be successful in your business, that your autistic son is just playing into and bringing up for you when he's engaging at a level that's more than you can handle. And you start having those thoughts that I don't have enough time and I'm never gonna get my business off the ground. And you think he's the problem. He's not the problem. The problem is the unresolved patterns or trauma inside of you that have attracted your partner. And as you change those patterns inside of you, your partner will change their dynamics in the relation. And so you have so much power to influence the people that you love. You have so much control over your own experience when you learn to master your own mindset and to realize that this is a completely different game than what we were ever taught. That the person there outside of you, whether it's your partner, whether it's a family member, whether it's a child, whether it's a random on the street, whether it's a team member, an employer, an employee, they're not creating the negative emotion that you're feeling inside of you. You're holding that negative emotion. And so you're attracting these types of experiences and these types people. When you transform that emotion inside of you, you transform the relationship dynamic or who shows up external to you. And so in this way you really do have the power and it's all inside of you. So don't lose hope on your relationship. I've seen every person committed to taking radical responsibility in their relationship in this way, find their way into a loving, passionate relationship of their own understanding. The vast majority of time, 99% of the time it was with the person they were already with. And a small percentage of the time that person has come into your life for a season and has left. And the beautiful thing, going back to our friend who asked the question about children, is that you have an opportunity to model this type of recovery, this type of healing, this type of radical responsibility for your child. Because it's very easy to start worrying about how we're traumatizing our children through what we're illustrating or exhibiting with our significant other. But all of that can be changed. The opportunity today is for you to show up with a higher level of consciousness, with a loving presence, as a healed parent, as a healed person. And that begins to model that for all the people around us who we care about. So there's no stone left unturned behind us. There's only what we choose to do now, what we choose to do moving forward. Which gives us the opportunity to create real change. And you know, is this something we do perfectly? No, it's not. So don't worry about doing it perfectly. But do know that it requires patience. Because there's a lag time between the vision that you have and the change that you facilitate inside of yourself and the response of your partner. And so this is where vigilance, patience, commitment, loyalty, love really come into play. And why it's important to be forgiving of the other person as they're continuing to work their old patterns out. And to not get entangled with it ourself. Because then we just perpetuate the old story and the old relationship dynamic. So this is a little Relationship 101. Maybe more advanced than 101. But I know that you're picking up what I'm laying down. And if I know that you're here, you're in the right place. And you've called forth this information. And you know, if this is something you want to share with your partner, great. But don't be attached to their response to it. If this is something you want to share with other people, because that you think it would benefit other people that you love, fantastic. And if this inspires you to subscribe and hit that little bell icon, welcome to the community. Again, everything that we talked about in this episode is not dissimilar to the frameworks that I've been teaching you in all of these episodes. And how to apply them to everything from money, to growing our businesses, to our view of the political dynamic in the world, and what's going on globally, to our own bodies and our own health, our own anxieties, to getting more clarity. It's the same playbook. Have a desire. Be non-resistant to that desire. And we will 100% of the time consistently and predictably create the desired result. Here we're looking at the lens through relationships. And I hope it served you well. I love you. I'm so glad you're here. And I'm looking forward to seeing you in the next episode.
