15 to 20% of marriages are sexless. Some studies put it as high as 40%. And in most cases, the problem isn't physical — it's emotional, relational, and quietly destructive. In this episode, Hassani and Danielle break down why a sexless marriage almost never starts in the bedroom, how resentment, exhaustion, weaponized intimacy, and pornography slowly turn spouses into roommates, and what couples can actually do to find their way back to each other before the marriage hardens into a "cellmate" arrangement neither person knows how to escape.

What You'll Learn

• The clinical definition of a sexless marriage (and why couples don't realize they're in one)
• Why problems inside the bedroom are almost always rooted outside the bedroom
• How resentment kills desire — and why men focused on technique miss the real connection women need
• What's actually happening when a spouse uses sex as a reward or punishment
• Why women can't compartmentalize the way men can, and how the mental load translates directly to physical exhaustion
• The "I wanted to want to" reality every depleted wife understands but can't always articulate
• How pornography becomes an "easier" replacement for real connection — and why the spouse is never the cause
• The three contributing factors behind toxic behavior: personal, relational, and social
• Whether a sexless marriage is ever a real reason to leave — and why it is never a reason to step out
• Why sex, when present, becomes a protective wall around the covenant of marriage

Timestamps

• 0:00 — Cold open: the bedroom that shut down
• 0:30 — The statistic: 15-40% of marriages are sexless
• 1:35 — Four questions, one topic — let's get into it
• 1:53 — What a "sexless marriage" actually means
• 3:00 — Question 1: I have zero desire because of how he treats me outside the bedroom
• 3:21 — Why bedroom problems start outside the bedroom
• 4:28 — The mutual investment problem
• 6:10 — Emotional investment, physical return: the real exchange
• 6:48 — Question 2: My spouse uses sex as reward and punishment
• 7:10 — Why people weaponize sex — and what it signals
• 8:33 — When the bedroom becomes a transactional table
• 10:42 — Question 3: I have nothing left for intimacy — and he takes it personally
• 11:00 — Why he hears "nothing" and feels like nothing
• 12:25 — Why women can't compartmentalize the way men can
• 14:18 — You're not married to the wife you married
• 16:13 — The compounded weight on women — work, kids, home, hormones
• 19:35 — The real solve: support, not demand
• 22:01 — From blame to solution: how to actually change the dynamic
• 24:26 — Question 4: My husband would rather watch porn than be with me
• 25:31 — When pornography is an addiction
• 27:30 — Why porn is "easier" for many men
• 29:19 — Always a reason, never a justification
• 31:11 — Pressure produces the fruit already in you
• 32:25 — The three factors behind toxic behavior
• 35:38 — Question 5: Is sexless marriage a real reason to leave?
• 37:30 — Sex as a need — not gender-specific
• 38:36 — Sex as a protective wall around the marriage
• 39:33 — When to have the honest future conversation
• 40:35 — When "go get it" becomes an affair
• 41:14 — Soulmate to cellmate: the marital prison
• 42:34 — Closing: it doesn't have to end like this

Notable Quotes

• "If there's a major problem inside the bedroom, it's because there's a major problem outside of the bedroom."
• "When a woman's emotional cup is full from her husband, she will find the capacity to serve in another way."
• "I wanted to want to."
• "There's always a reason — but it's never justified."
• "Pressure produces the fruit that's already in you."
• "From soulmate to cellmate — you're trapped in a marital prison."

Resources

• Apply for a 3–5 Day Marriage Intensive → couplesacademy.org
• Submit a question for the show: drop it in the YouTube comments

Connect With Us

• YouTube: Marriage Intervention by Couples Academy
• Apple Podcasts & Spotify: Marriage Intervention
• Website: couplesacademy.org

Call to Action

If this episode hit home, subscribe so you don't miss what's coming next. If you're living in a marriage that's gone quiet and you're ready to do the work with real guidance, the 3–5 Day Marriage Intensive is built for couples in exactly this place — apply at couplesacademy.org.

Why Sexless Marriages Are Dangerous. - YouTube

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jmojqJAYJW8

Transcript:

(00:16) >> 15 to 20% of marriages are sexless. Some studies say 40%. This is a problem. >> Intimacy is the last thing on my mind, but my husband takes it personally. How do I explain it's not him, it's that I have [music] nothing left. >> How could a husband not take it personally? You've given up your time and energy and effort for the kids and for the job and for all these different things, but when it comes to me, there's no energy left.

(01:00) >> I had a client that were newlyweds and it was like [music] 2 years in and still had >> never consummated the marriage. My husband would rather watch porn [music] than be with me. And now I feel like I'm competing with a screen. >> You can't continue to try to keep up with his pornography desires. Someone has to say no.

(01:53) Let's get into it. Well, sex is one of the most important aspects of any healthy relationship. In fact, it is a gift given by God. The problem is there's too many couples who are just not having sex. And interestingly enough, when you read the actual studies and statistics, it would suggest that in the United States about 15 to 20% of couples are not engaging in the bedroom.

(02:38) It just means that your vision is impaired. So, by definition, a sexist marriage is any couple who has sex 10 times a year or less. Now in some extreme couples there are couples who have gone weeks, months, years and dare I say because we work with couples decades where they haven't engaged in sex. So in most cases it's not something that is physically wrong.

(03:21) And this is where a lot of our couples find themselves. And what I have found, interestingly enough, if there's a major problem inside the bedroom, it's because there's a major problem outside of the bedroom. You know, at the end of the day, men who have a focus on what they do inside, they're focused on techniques.

(03:55) And it's not even about me, and I'm being used as a tool uh of sexual manipulation to get you what you want. But the reason why so many women have an issue with this is because of how men refuse to show up outside of the bedroom. That is where rather than focusing on penetrating her body, you're focusing on penetrating her heart. So when we say that, we're talking about emotional connection, effective communication, quality time, just that heartfelt connection that creates that bond and that level of intimacy that allows her to open up her body freely

(04:45) It just depends on what's going on, right, in the marriage. But there needs to be some mutual exchange. And so, especially after infidelity, right? Especially after that, I think a lot of women have a tremendous amount of grace that overcompensates for a lot of shortcomings um in a way that they don't have after infidelity, right? And so now you want to get it into the bedroom, right? And the person is res your spouse is resenting you, resenting the touch, resenting the connection because there's no investment being being placed in this

(05:50) beings, spirit, uh, mind and soul and body, right? And so if I have all these aspects of me and I'm just running myself ragged on the body and I'm running myself ragged on the mind of everything that's going on rugging my running myself ragged on the spirit level and you're not doing anything to pour into this cup.

(06:29) It implies that there has to be a mutual benefit and I think a lot of times I mean we've even struggled in this area because the concerns that you've had about being poured into when I didn't get it. You know at the end of the day the exchange is an emotional investment and a physical return because we're wired differently.

(07:10) when you um become someone that is weaponizing sex, right? At that stage in your relationship, you've you've you've lost intimacy and connection a long time ago. Now, that person has reasoned in their mind, well, you know what? If I'm going to have to do this anyway, I'm going to get something out of it. And there's two sides to that story.

(08:00) doing all the things by the book to the end of their rope where there was nothing being poured in where there was always an excuse where he was always going to be better and change next year or he's going to spend more time with her and the family next year or things are going to change when I retire and they never do.

(08:33) So the one thing that I know you can't live without is sex. So that becomes weapon number one. >> Yeah. And a weapon it is because to your point it is a form of manipulation. It is a bartering chip if you will. And and that's what the bedroom has become. It's become a transactional table. And I think that diminishes the intimacy within sex and it can create resentment on both sides because like I know what you're doing like sometimes we've seen you've seen it in movies where a wife or woman will give herself to a man and then as soon as he gets his release then

(09:25) You don't weaponize by giving him something and then saying, "Hey, after since I did this for you, can you do that?" That hasn't worked. >> Right. That's never worked. >> And so, she's getting to the point where she's like, "Bump this. You want this first? Give me that." >> Yeah. >> First, do this.

(09:58) We're talking about real things in people's lives where in the marriage needs have been neglected and the wife has been left to figure it out on her own and gets flipping tired of it, right? And so she's like, "What is one thing?" I always actually teach this not through sex, but what you you all everyone knows what motivates your husband, right? So, when it comes to marital issues, let's see what motivates in a positive way.

(10:42) >> Yeah, that that's what we're seeing. Mhm. The next question is, "Between the kids, the job, and the exhaustion, intimacy is the last thing on my mind, but my husband takes it personally. How do I explain it's not him, it's that I have nothing left?" >> Yeah. Um, >> did you see how I cried for that one? >> This right here, first of all, how could a husband not take it personally? Because he's the one that you're engaging personally with.

(11:26) And so it's it's very frustrating when you say you have nothing left. That's exactly how he feels, like nothing. C >> could you imagine being in a marriage where you feel like nothing? I mean it even Jesse Jackson said I am somebody but in the context of my home I'm nothing. >> Yeah. >> And so this is how so many husbands who have such a passionate desire we could say lust.

(12:25) So, this is a serious topic that we really need to get into. >> Let's get into it. >> Let's talk about it. >> Let's get into it. And I and I I want to acknowledge your passion [laughter] >> on this subject because I feel you I feel you speaking for the men like for real right now. And I'm feeling that passion and I understand it too.

(13:09) That that's not a thing. They're not too tired for it. They're not too stressed about it. There's never too much on their mind to have it. And that's not women. Women operate in a thousand mental boxes all at the same time. So, it's more than just physical exhaust. It's also mental exhaust and that mental exhaust translates to the body.

(14:00) And that's another point to understand is that women have to be more than physically available, which is not the truth for you. You your mind could have all kinds of things. You could have worries about to lose the house, power about to go out, no money in the bank, and still be fine to have sex. Because for you, it's that physical connection.

(14:53) made. The babies are clean. They're bathed. You know, they're fed. They're changed. You know, like she's and she worked and she went and got groceries and she put them away and she cut them up, cooked them up, and served it. There's no there's an incalculable amount of jobs that a woman is doing by the time her husband gets home and has a physical demand, another physical demand on her.

(15:39) She will find the capacity to serve in another way. But if all she's doing is giving and all you're doing is taking, she's going to get to the point where she's shutting down and is saying, "I am at my capacity. I can't give anymore to you because all you do is take." >> I mean, I respect that. Everything you just said, you got to respect it.

(16:19) In essence, what they were desiring, which was marriage and family, husband and children, was the very thing that took their desire away. >> But are you going Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. >> True, true, true. But what I'm saying is when you get married, you know that there's an expectation. And you know that there's a guess what responsibility to engage in that particular way.

(17:00) >> Yeah. I think that you're really speaking on a very surface level. I really do because you're you're neglecting to understand the weight of the responsibilities that piles on to the woman. When you get married to your spouse, you don't have all those weights, right? And so, yeah, your desiraability is high.

(17:38) Her body has changed. the chemistry and the and the um hormones have shifted in her body where her desiraability was high chemically, hormonally, it has tanked as a result of having that baby. So what what's not being acknowledged is that the wife that you married, you're no longer married to that wife. And so when they talk about, you know, till death do we part in all this except for if you go through some things and don't want to have sex with me, like come on now.

(18:27) And so it's not fair to just say, "Well, you did it before, you should do it now." No, let's understand what's actually happening so that we can solve for the real problem that is. I like, you know, when I think about even with our struggles, it's not that I didn't want to. I wanted to want to let that sink in.

(19:06) Those days are old. We're not only the primary person taking care of the children, the household, earning the income, sometimes the majority of the income, paying the bills, and being responsible for a thousand things. And we are legitimately tired and also tired at a level that is not just a mental physical thing but also hormonally and that is always underlooked or or under acknowledged when we discuss these things that this is a real thing.

(19:58) They have zero responsibility. You come to me smelling good and looking good and then you take your tail back home and I don't know what you're dealing with over there and it's not my problem. All that shifts when you get married and the shift is on our side. See what a dim outlook on the future of marriage because now based upon all these changes and complications and things you have to deal with what hope what [laughter] encouragement hope is education I get them when it comes to sexuality at the end of the day all of

(20:45) When a when a man touches a woman, it creates a sensation and that sensation goes up to her emotional headquarters and she's processing everything what she has on her plate. How have you been treating me? And you know, all of these things are filtering through her mind. And if there's a green light, sexual sex happens.

(21:20) So what's your solution? >> The solution is trying to find a solve for all these different things. Like for instance, if a wife is on E, >> okay, she's depleted. It is the husband's responsibility if he has a high desire for sex to say, "Hey, how can I help? How can I fill?" Because when you have a car and you're on Eid, you go to the gas tank, the gas station to get more gas to fill up, to keep on going. Correct.

(22:01) But we've got to be able to be more solutionoriented, stop blaming each other and falling out with each other and entering into crisis because that's when people find us. >> I I I totally agree with that. The only thing that I want to say and I want to affirm what you're saying because during our rough patches, I remember not only was it affecting just our intimacy and connection, but also just me as a parent.

(22:43) Like all the weights of everything, then pack a bag and go away for the weekend. Right now, that's not everybody's reality, but the fact that that was a solution that we were able to come to so that I could decompress. >> Sometimes all you need is to be able to walk away from the situation and and be with yourself and have quiet time and have a moment to pray and a moment to breathe, a moment where nobody's calling mommy, right? All of those weights are on the woman and this is what weighs it down. So if you have uh if you're going

(23:40) When you add other issues and you know personal belief systems and mindsets to it, you can get deeper and discover that actually it's more than just this person is overwhelmed, right? Maybe this person is living in some kind of bitterness from the past, whatever the case may be. But if you don't get curious enough to work on resolving the problem, if you stay in the stuck place of being angry with each other and like you said, pointing the fingers at each other, then you're you're stuck and no solutions can come.

(24:26) >> Though, this question was specifically about like exhaustion. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> All right. Um, here's a question. um my husband would rather watch porn than be with me and now I feel like I'm competing with a screen. Is that why we've stopped? And how do we find our way back to each other? So, this is a really complicated question to me because um it alludes to this idea that when it comes to things like pornography um and you know looking at magazines and having these desires, compulsive desires to see see things like that um that this

(25:31) You know, sometimes we find out that when a man has a sexual addiction or is addicted to pornography, you know, he's been watching it since he was seven. True. you know and so this is a routine that he has and struggles actually to be turned on without it right and so this is uh this is the type of therapy now coaching is absolutely necessary where in a situation like this we can support the couple in coaching them in what to do during the dayto-day but there needs to be another level of support and this is where people I think you know

(26:25) And I and I'll add this because it's like it's almost like, you know, what do I do about this? You know, like he's watching the pornography. This is this is something that needs to be brought to the forefront and addressed but not continued. In other words, you can't continue to try to keep up with his pornography desires, >> his pornography fantasies.

(27:11) There was an addiction involved. But that's not always the case. You know, sometimes people engage in porn either a because they're not being physically intimate with their spouse and they need some type of relief and they find it through porn. But in this case, he'd rather go to porn than be with her. Well, I would ask a number of different questions.

(28:00) satisfaction. And it it creates a fantasy that now you're living out in your mind that you can't have in your home. it just becomes an easier way to manage the stress that you're dealing with. Obviously, it causes problems within that person, within that marriage, and ultimately leads to a breakdown.

(28:34) We're creating a boundary around porn. But in tandem with that, we're going to have a conversation. Now, here's the challenge, Danielle. We can make the argument that, you know, men aren't the best communicators in some respects, but we can also make that argument when it comes to wise. Because often times when a man is trying to share and express his reasons why, all of a sudden, it becomes an excuse.

(29:19) And so it's easier to connect virtually with someone that you don't know than physically, mentally, and emotionally with the one who's sitting right across the table or laying right across in the bed with you. And that's what we're seeing. You know, I really hope people, you know, make comments, you know, share comments and opinions on this subject because, you know, as I'm listening to you, the spiritual part of me is rising up with like a righteous indignation about everything that you're saying.

(30:07) There's always a reason, but it's never justified. >> And it's that's what I'm saying. Okay. So, we're splitting hairs. I'm just saying it's not valid. It's not justified. There's no real reason that you can come up with where if there's a court of law and it's just like, well, my wife wasn't giving me enough sex. Let's just say that.

(30:53) And so to me what it goes back to is your root, whatever that root is, you know, like I mean no listen, well I can't even say that I don't like ice cream. I used to until I used to not like ice cream until Jenny's. I do like ice cream, but back when I didn't like ice cream, there was nothing you could do to tempt me with a scoop of ice cream. I'm good. I'll pass.

(31:41) No, there's nothing that you could have done because whatever seed was planted in him, I don't know, at 7, at 8, 9, 10, 12, whatever, or hanging out with the wrong crowd in your 20s, whatever, the seed was planted and somehow it was watered and fertilized and produced the results of toxic behavior. And that is not on her.

(32:25) Now, if I don't have a porn seed in me, that's not coming out. Something else is coming out. If I have an anger seed in me, anger's coming out. If I have an abusive seed in me, a beating's coming out. You see what I'm saying? So, it forces out. So, but but you you you usually something's forced out because of a pressure. So, so can a wife do something to be the best version of herself to contribute to the health of the relationship? Yes.

(33:13) It's not because of the wife. The pressure could be have nothing to do with her. The pressure could be you're not doing well at work. >> The absolutely you know I'm saying which is totally isolated from her. So, I guess the point that I'm getting at I, you know, I'm responding and and I really want to hear what people think about this because this is real.

(33:53) And it was so it was weighing her down. She was actually trying to keep up, >> you know, trying to be a dutiful wife and trying to keep up. And someone has to say, "No, meet the need of his addiction." >> Yeah. No, we're not going to we're not going to meet the need of your addiction. And what we're going to do is we're going to draw a hard line and we're going to and and how we can support is we can go ahead and find the help.

(34:42) relational factors, pressures that we experience in this marriage. And then there are social factors, things that exist externally outside of our home. Now 50% of the reason why I went into porn was me. 30% of the contributing factor could be our relational challenges and then 20% are external social factors.

(35:19) So ownership really has to to to take place in this dynamic and you got to get to the root once again of this problem which is causing this behavior of pornography. >> This is hot, right? I think that this is going to blow up the chat. Don't you think? >> I hope so. >> I hope so because I I want to know what people are struggling with out there around this conversation.

(36:04) What I'm hearing him say is, "I feel like I'm being cheated out of sex within my marriage and now it's creating a temptation for me to cheat." This is deep because you know what? If it's been days, okay, if it's been weeks, really, if it's been months, you've got to be joking. But if it's been years, I'm about to lose my mind.

(36:49) >> This is true. >> So it is a need. >> So it is a need. It may not be your need, but it's my need. And in a healthy relationship, I've got to be able to accommodate your need and you've got to be able to accommodate my need. What we're finding is that well, listen, that's your need. That's you, right? And and it seems like the the relationship, the teamwork, the partnership, that aspect has been thrown out the window.

(37:30) >> I'm just speaking for the men because often times men in their own social space, this is how they talk. They become very emotional. Either they're tearing up and crying, they're welping from the eyes or they're anger, angry and they're pissed because they feel like they have no space in their marriage to share their thoughts and opinions. They are shut down.

(38:12) There's nothing fair about it. Okay? There's nothing fair about this situation. But then I have to ask another question. What's your wife's not fair? What is she struggling with? What is she being deprived of? What is she not getting? How is she not being served? What's unfair for her that may be leading to this sexless marriage? So, you have two people in a marriage and they're both experiencing not fair.

(38:58) Because when sex is in a marriage, it becomes a protector of the marriage. It builds up a thick impenetrable wall that is necessary to protect the covenant relationship between you, your spouse, and God. >> Man, I mean, what was the question? He he he gave that with so much passion. I love so the question was basically is sexless marriage a real reason to leave so to your point yes it can be you know it can be and you know but what it isn't is a reason to step out what it isn't is ever a reason to betray to you know to

(40:05) problems in a marriage, like serious ones like that, like no sex, why aren't we sitting down with a spouse and talking about the realities of what the future's going to look like if this is what the trajectory that we're on, you That's an honest conversation. If this is if this is where you want to be, if you want to just be friends with no benefits >> because there are a lot of marriages where they're business partners, you know, they're good friends, they're great leaders in the community, they do parenting well together, but there's

(40:52) They're going through difficult times. And unfortunately, they don't mean it, but they say it. A wife has said, "Well, go ahead and go out and get your get what you need to get. Meet your need. I'm good." And this husband is starving. And in his desperation, he does exactly that. And then it comes back. Now it's an affair in the relationship.

(41:41) We had another couple, they were married for 25 years. They hadn't had sex in 10 year. There are people who haven't even been married for 10 years. They haven't had sex in 10 years. So they've gone from soulmate to cellmate because you're trapped in in a marital prison when there's no form of physical, intellectual, emotional, social, intimacy that manifests in the >> We also had a client, a couple that they were newly wids and it was like two years in and still had never >> never consummated the marriage.

(42:34) So to answer the question, you know what sometimes it is a reason to get have a discussion about what the future looks like and if this is going to be how I live the rest of my life with somebody who I'll never be able to share intimacy with. Yeah, this is a powerful one, a deep one, but I want to encourage you because if this is where you find yourself, it doesn't have to end like this.

(43:09) But until then, we'll see you on another episode of Marriage Intervention.