Being in control is something we all long for, and usually chase after. But is there more to this desire of always being in control? Sharon Hodde Miller, author of three books and co-founder of Bright City Church in Durham, North Carolina, sits down with us today to dive deeper into this topic. 

00:20 Introduction to today’s guest 

02:13 The cost of control

07:14 Can having more control lead to more anxiety?

10:43 How does having control affect your ability to live within God’s will?

15:48 The illusion of control 

18:54 Common forms of control

22:23 Is there a way to change our views about control?

25:51 The power of living within God’s promise

For video versions of episode 48 and onward visit us on Youtube.

Twanna Henderson: Welcome to T Time: Spiritual Conversations For, With, and About Women. I'm your host, Twanna Henderson. And as always, I want to remind you to like this broadcast and to share it with someone in your life.

Sharon Miller: It's great to be with you!

Twanna Henderson: It's good to have you! And you know, the first thing I want to ask you is, how do you balance everything that you have going on?

Sharon Miller: I have a lot of help! We're really fortunate. My, I told you just before we got on that my parents are in the middle of moving here from Charlotte, but they also just spend a lot of time here. And then my mother-in-law doesn't live too far, and we're really fortunate that we get along really well. My father-in-law's no longer living, but we get along really well with all of our parents.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Sharon Miller: And so, and they're very generous with their time. And so that's actually a huge part of it is I've got help.

Twanna Henderson: And that is truly a blessing. Yeah, I just wanted to ask you that. Well, as I shared, you have authored three books, tell us what those books are. What books are they?

Sharon Miller: Yeah, my first book is called, "Free of Me: Why Life Is Better When It's Not About You."

Twanna Henderson: Oh!

Twanna Henderson: Wow. Now all of those are some really great titles. And so some, I'm sure it's some great content. I really want to, that cost of control. Wow, I really want to delve into that because, first of all, whose spouse hasn't accused them of wanting to be in control, right?

Sharon Miller: Yeah.

Twanna Henderson: But, you know, as we all are aware, the pandemic brought on a whole new level of anxiety in all of us. Tell us how it impacted you and your church and, and how the idea for this book came about.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Sharon Miller: It was revealed by, the pandemic exposed. You know, one metaphor I often use because you said that you're a native Charlottean. And so do you remember Hurricane Hugo?

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Sharon Miller: Okay.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Twanna Henderson: Around then, yeah.

Sharon Miller: Yeah, and I remember, I remember just seeing these giant trees that, you know, fell over. And they looked like so strong, but their root systems were shallow.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Sharon Miller: And so these giant oaks and things that had fallen over. And that's kind of the nature of a storm, is it reveals the weak places. You know, if a tree branch is weak, if the root system is shallow, it reveals those things. And I think the storm of the pandemic did something similar, where it didn't cause that anxiety, it just revealed where we were really looking for our security all along.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah, I think that's really good. Yeah. Because I agree. I mean, I think it did kind of expose those places, those weak areas. And, you know, anxiety, when we think about control, you know, you said that it gives us anxiety. What's really the relationship between anxiety and control?

Sharon Miller: Yeah, well, as I mentioned, whenever you try to control something that you cannot control, it actually makes your anxiety worse. And you can see this happen on a, like a very low-stakes level, I see this with my kids. My middle son, he gets so frustrated when he's playing with his Legos, and he's trying to make something fit or pull something apart or make something work. And it's not submitting to him. And he's trying to force it. And the more he tries to force it, and the more it doesn't cooperate, I can see like the blood vessels kind of popping out of his forehead. And so, forcing it, trying to make it submit to him, is not actually empowering him, it's stripping him of all of his power. But we experienced this in much more high-stakes examples. For instance, if you have an adult child, who is walking down a path of, you know, addiction, or just self-destructive decisions, whatever it is, and you are trying to make them make better choices. And that situation is naturally anxiety-inducing. But what ends up happening is that we, because of the natural anxiety of a situation where we're just bumping up against the brokenness of the world, we miss the ways in which we are then contributing to our anxiety by trying to control this person that we cannot control. And the more you try to do that, and the less they submit to you, the more you just can completely spiral. But we, we miss it, we blame all of our anx–, "if they would just do what I want them to do, I would feel better." And maybe that's true to some extent, but you are also forfeiting any peace that is available to you by trying to control it.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. Yeah. Hoo, my goodness. I feel like I need to lay down on the couch or something. Now, you say that the title is "The Cost of Control." And I know you say that whenever we reach for control to save us, it always comes with a cost. What are some of the costs of control?

Sharon Miller: First, I want to say, part of the reason that the title is very foreboding, that was on purpose. I will tell you, publishers do not like that. They want your title and your subtitle to be upbeat, uplifting, encouraging. But what was really pivotal for me in my own relationship with control, is that for years, I knew I should not control. Like, if I'm trying to control something that God hasn't given me control over, I should stop doing that. Like trying to control my husband. Trying to control my kids. So, I knew that I knew I should stop. But knowing that was not helpful. Like just knowing that you should do something is not as helpful as knowing why. And this book is my why, because what I discovered in Genesis three. That is ground zero for all of our issues with control is God has put one boundary on Adam and Eve's will. And they are defying this one boundary on their will. And that's what we're doing. Whenever we try to control this, we are defying the limits of our will. And so they reject this one boundary and they reach for more power. They reach for more knowledge than God has actually granted them. And immediately, we see fear. Immediately, we see shame. Immediately, we see brokenness between one another, Adam and Eve, and between them and God. And what that helped me to understand is that unfortunately, what happened in that moment is the entire blueprint of the universe was rewritten in a broken way. So that whenever we reach for control that God has not granted us, we are reenacting that moment. But we are also reenacting its consequences. And these things are inextricably linked. We cannot escape them. And that was really helpful for me because in those moments where I'm tempted to control, and we're very self-deceiving about it, like we can kind of spin it where I'm not controlling, I'm just doing what is best for this person. Or I'm doing what is best for this situation.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Sharon Miller: But it helped me to understand, you know, I can try and spin it. I can try and reframe it. But I cannot, there is no loophole to this. I cannot escape what has been written into the universe is that whenever we try to control something God has not given us control, we are reenacting that moment, and we're going to reenact its consequences. And it is not an if, it is just a when. And so that's a different question then, is, is not, "should I control this situation, but what will be the cost?" Because there will be one. There will be one. I can't escape that. What will that cost be? Am I willing to pay that cost? And so in terms of going back to your original question, what are, what are the different costs? Well one of them is anxiety. We see this right away in Adam and Eve where, where they're hiding. That's what, you know, shame and anxiety do. And so, it says right away that Adam was afraid. That he says, it says, he hid because he was afraid. It doesn't even say that he hid because he was ashamed, but he was afraid. And so right out of the gate, we see anxiety there. But another cost is brokenness between relationships. And so as soon as God says, you know, “what happened,” and instead of own it, instead of take responsibility, he points to Eve. And that's also what control does. That's how it lies to us. It says, if you can fix this other person, then that will resolve what is going on inside of you.

Twanna Henderson: Mhmm.

Sharon Miller: But the problem is, whenever we try to control other people, it breaks our relationship with them. And that has been a game changer for me in my marriage because I lead a church with my husband. And so it's very easy to justify pressuring him or trying to get my way whenever we're making decisions about the church because it's Kingdom stakes. You know, like, it really matters. I'm right, and it really matters. And even though I can get my way in that moment, and feel like it's a win, I have done damage to my marriage in the process. And I might not see that damage for quite some time. But where it's been especially sobering has been as a parent because there's, it's a fine line between parenting, discipline, stewarding the authority that God has given you over your children, and controlling your children. And it's sobering to realize that if I, if my primary mode of operation with my kids is controlling them, I won't know the damage that I'm doing for maybe 10 or 20 years. And only then will I realize what I've done. And so that has been extremely humbling. And that has been something that constantly has me in prayer with my parenting. So those are just two big ones, I would say is anxiety and broken relationships.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah, and those are pretty big.

Sharon Miller: Yeah. Yeah.

Twanna Henderson: Let me ask you, did you do like, you know, a massive amount of research and data to get, I mean, how did you get to this? I mean, because, are you just that smart?

Sharon Miller: I'm not that smart. I am a big researcher. I really love researching psychology. And so there's been a ton of research done on control. The illusion of control is really fascinating. There's been so many studies done that that term, "the illusion of control" is actually a psychological term. It was coined, I believe, in the 70s. And it refers to this, it's almost like a human pathology, where we will imagine we have control in a situation where we do not because it makes reality easier to cope with. Or it makes us feel more empowered. And so really funny examples of this are athletes who wear, you know, the same socks for every game of the playoffs. There was a really entertaining study done of gamblers who are, will, when they want to roll a high number, they will shake the dice harder. But if they want to roll a low number, they'll shake the dice softer. And that doesn't do anything. But like, shaking it softer, doesn't like, you know, somehow encourage the one to pop up. But it's an illusion of control that makes you feel empowered. And so that's part of the reason why what we're really after sometimes is not even actual control, but just the illusion of it. I think that's what we were doing on the internet during the pandemic is not even looking for how can I control the pandemic? I think we could all say like, I can't control it. But we're looking for something that made us feel more in control of what was happening around us. But yeah, I could go on, there's so many fascinating studies on all of this.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah, I would imagine that there has to be a lot, a lot of study and a lot of data. You know, the pandemic was crazy. I mean, we did feel out of control, you know. And I know you dig pretty deep into different forms of control. Have you found in your research that there is a common form of control?

Sharon Miller: I don't think so. I think the one that is probably extremely common, but we're least likely to identify as a form of control, is reaching for knowledge and information to give us that sense of control. And we should, we should identify that this is going to be extremely common, because that is fundamentally what Adam and Eve were reaching for, was knowledge. It actually wasn't ours, the tree of of knowledge. And so that is what for a lot of us, that's how we coped with the pandemic is we went onto the news, we went onto social media, we were constantly looking like, "What are the numbers today? How has it spread? What do we know now about the symptoms? What do we know now about how it affects us?" But we do this in so many different ways. You know, I mentioned earlier hurricanes, you know, with weather tracking, you have an event coming up. And so you're just constantly like, tracking the weather and you know, it can change and then you sort of feel like ,"Oh, you know what's gonna happen?" And that creates anxiety in you, even though you have actually no control over it. We do this with tracking packages. Like my parents are, my parents are in the middle of moving right now. And my dad has ordered like, he just ordered some new outdoor furniture and he ordered a bunk bed for our kids. And he has all this tracking information and he's constantly monitoring it and it is stressing him out because he, they keep changing things. So they'll say like, “It's coming today.” And then it's like, “Well, actually, it's coming tomorrow.” And he's, he's turning to this information as we all do in order to empower you. And to give you this sense of greater mastery over your world, because you're like, "I know what the weather's gonna be tomorrow. I know when my package is going to arrive." Except it's actually not making him feel more empowered, it's making him feel less. And so it's one of the ways that we... Another example of this is, you have like, a pain in your elbow. And so you go on, you start Googling. Like I have actually, this, earlier this year, I had to have a biopsy after an irregular mammogram. And again, they very helpfully provided me with all the images of my mammogram and my ultrasound before I had my biopsy. Very kind of them. Except, what did I do while I waited for my biopsy? I Googled every single one of these images, and I tried to compare it to, you know, malignant cancers and figure out, you know, is it possible that I have cancer, you know, and it was robbing me of peace. I'm going to the internet looking for information to empower me, and instead, it does the opposite. And so I think that is probably in our age of information, where we have the internet where we have so much information at our fingertips, it is important to know the temptation that we literally carry around in our hands. To constantly go to the internet to empower us with knowledge, to empower us with information, when it is not equipped to do so.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. Yeah, that is so good. And I was, you know, as you were speaking, I was thinking about, you know, my husband does that. Because he's the kind of person who needs to know all of the back information on stuff. I'm the exact opposite. I don't want to know all that stuff, you know, because it just, because it would stress me out, you know.

Sharon Miller: Yeah!

Twanna Henderson: And so, that's not, that's not me. I have other issues of control. Not that one. We all do. But um, but yeah. But I definitely see that, and I've known people who, you know, that they think that's helpful for them. To be able to have that sense of awareness and knowledge, but then they're worse afterwards. I think one of the million-dollar questions is because it can just cause you just to kind of burn out. I mean, when you're doing all of that, how can just realizing and changing our views on control help with burnout and all those kinds of things?

Sharon Miller: Well, it's really helpful just to name what is happening. To acknowledge what is going on inside of you. That is one thing that Adam ultimately fails to do, because after he eats this fruit, and then he goes and he hides. And God's question to him is, "Where are you?" And that is a rhetorical question. God is not confused, like, "where did he go?"

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Sharon Miller: He found a great hiding spot, you know. He's not actually wondering where Adam is. That is much more an invitation for Adam to stop. And to self-examine. And to ask, "How did I get here?"

Twanna Henderson: Yeah.

Sharon Miller: Like, "When did I go off the rails?" Like I keep trying to manage everything instead of taking all of this to the One who created this world." But unfortunately, Adam is not able to do that work. And he points to Eve. He blames. And I think that is half the battle. Is honestly stopping when you feel yourself feeling anxious. And pausing to ask, "Okay, what is causing this right now? You know, maybe some of my anxiety is this situation, but am I actually contributing to my anxiety more by trying to control something that God simply has not given me control over?"

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. And that's hard. I mean, it can be really hard to do, you know, I, you know, without us being very intentional, you know, about just being self-aware, you know, which is so huge. I know, in the last section of the book, you cover the real power that God promises. What is that promise?

Sharon Miller: So, it's actually a three-fold power. So it's a little bit, a little bit deceptive, because there's more than one thing, but I look at three different things. One is agency. So God doesn't give us control, but he does give us agency which is the power to influence ourselves and our circumstances to some extent. But the operative word there being influence not control. And when we look at Genesis one and two, we see that Adam and Eve were not in control of the garden, they were not in charge of the garden, but they still had tremendous agency. They have influence, they have authority, they had dominion. And so I have a chapter where I look at the different forms of agency that we see there. And when we operate in the agencies that God has actually given us, it is very empowering in that way. So that's one is, is to put down the things that God has not given us power over. To pick up the things that he has. Then another power that is available to us is self-control. And that is that, that phrase can be a little bit, almost of a misnomer, because it's not exactly control over the self. That's something that as long as we are sinners, we will struggle even to not sin, you know, like this side of eternity, like "why do I do the things I don't want to do" is what Paul really bemoans. But we also don't have control over things like whether or not I get sick, you know, when I die, you know, things like my health, my body, all that. And so it's more, Tim Keller had a really great definition of self-control. And he said, "It's choosing the important things over the urgent things." And so the Holy Spirit empowers us how we respond to situations in which we don't have control. And then the third and final one that is the most important is the power of Jesus Christ, and the hope of Jesus Christ more importantly, because at the end of the day, I can respond to a situation by taking up my agency and operating in my agency instead of control. And I can respond to a situation by exercising self-control. And I can respond to broken things around me exactly how God would want me to. And still, it will not make the situation better. Like it won't heal what is broken. Because at the end of the day, we live in a broken world. And so the hope that we have is not ultimately that there's a workaround where I can control without controlling, you know, like, I think that's ultimately like, what we want is "Okay, I know I'm not supposed to control, but how can I still fix this situation?" And sometimes the answer is like, you can't. But thankfully, that is not the period on the sentence of, you know, being disciples of Jesus. Is that we always have this hope of resurrection that we may see here on Earth. We may not, but that is ultimately, you know, our confidence in this world.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. You know, I think that a topic like this is so helpful to so many. How can people reach you?

Sharon Miller: So I'm most active on Instagram, honestly. So just Sharon H. Miller. It's easy to reach out to me there.

Twanna Henderson: Okay. Okay, good. Now, before we close, I know there are women who are listening to this podcast who probably, definitely fall into that control trap, for whatever reason. But it's not working for them. I mean, it's just not working. If you can, can, if you can just pray for them and for all of us, so that we can just really learn to walk in the real power that God promises.

Sharon Miller: Yeah, I would be happy to. Loving Father, I pray for any person who is listening right now and is wrestling with control. I pray that they would feel conviction if, if that is what is needed for this moment, but I also pray, just heaping amounts of grace. We wrestle with control because we live in a broken world. And that desire for security, that desire for stability, that desire that our loved ones would be whole is not wrong. And it was put in us by you, which is why you sent your son, ultimately to fulfill that, to give us the security, the stability that we cannot achieve on our own, and to heal what is broken in this world that we ourselves cannot heal. And so I pray for anyone wrestling with control, that, that would be the first thing that they feel is grace. That they would feel compassion. And they would also know that you are on it. That Jesus was just the beginning of the rescue plan. And so whatever they are wishing they could control right now, that it is not unseen by you, but it's being wrapped up in your beautiful plan of redemption. So we thank you for that hope that we have. And it's in your name we pray. Amen.

Twanna Henderson: Amen. Well Sharon, it has been great to get to know you better.

Sharon Miller: Yeah!

Twanna Henderson: And I'm excited about what your next book will be!

Sharon Miller: Yeah, I don't know when that'll be. I need a break!

Twanna Henderson: I can imagine. I can imagine. You've done some phenomenal things. But thank you so much. I've so enjoyed this, and you know, just looking forward to how it's going to speak to so many people.

Sharon Miller: Thank you. It was great to meet you.

Twanna Henderson: Yeah. And to all of our listeners, thank you for joining us today. I'm Twanna Henderson. Be blessed of the Lord.