The behaviors that we learn and adapt growing up come from a variety of different sources. Whether they are from our family, friends, or others that we hold close to in our lives, their influences can dictate a number of outcomes in whether we wish to take risks, engage in challenges that we have in our lives, and so much more. When the stakes are incredibly high and you are uncertain about moving past these fears because of not experiencing what "the other side" would look like, would you be courageous enough to seek a possibility of freedom? The owner of Freedom with Valerie LLC, Valerie Rubin, joins us to discuss how to break free from the limitations that we may experience and how to create opportunities when you take charge as the chief executive officer of our lives. Through practical tips she shares, embracing the realm of possibilities that we can experience is not only attainable, but through overcoming stereotypes, can be an achievement that allows anyone to enjoy the freedom that we already have inside ourselves to become better versions of ourselves.

Guest Bio

Valerie helps her clients heal from an anxious attachment style so they can become a match for healthy, secure love. Owner of Freedom With Valerie LLC, she works with clients on situations that include relationships that are narcissistic and emotionally unavailable, chronic anxiety, and panic attacks, which for her personally, have manifested in physical symptoms such as join pain, adrenal fatigue, and acne. Through her Anxious To Secure Method, Valerie works to address the root cause of any anxiety issue and release (not manage) it in a twelve-week process.

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Intro/Outro By: Michael Dugan, Podcast Host: Voice4Chefs

Welcome to the podcast where relationships, confidence, and

2

determination all converge into

an amazing, heartfelt experience.

3

This is Speaking From The Heart.

4

Joshua: Welcome back to episode

number 172 of Speaking from the Heart.

5

Today, we have Valerie Rubin joining us.

6

And Valerie helps her clients heal from

an anxious attachment style so they can

7

become a match for healthy, secure love.

8

The owner of Freedom With Valerie LLC,

she works with clients on situations

9

that include relationships that

are narcissistic and emotionally

10

unavailable, chronic anxiety, and panic

attacks, which for her personally, have

11

manifested in physical symptoms such as

joint pain, adrenal fatigue, and acne.

12

Through her anxious to secure method,

Valerie works to address the root cause

13

of any anxiety issue, and release,

not manage, it in a 12 week process.

14

The CEO of your life is something

that we talk about in today's episode,

15

and that means that you have your own

chief executive officer: it's yourself.

16

Being able to talk about these areas,

talk about how she's overcome her own

17

life journey, is something that Valerie,

not only was really open about today, but

18

really helped us to understand how some

people, even through chance encounters,

19

can create manifestations of our own.

20

Whether we think we have to do it

with somebody else or not is really

21

a test for today's episode, because

Valerie challenges the status quo

22

of what it means that even though we

go through some of the most toughest

23

of things, we can challenge it.

24

We can be in charge, and that even when

we feel heartbroken and we need to walk

25

away, we know that if we can just heal,

even if we're able to just heal one

26

person, we can heal the whole entire

world, which you're going to understand

27

a little bit about why I'm saying that,

but also, throwing in the towel, no matter

28

how tough it might be, is not the answer.

29

I have to say that this is probably

the most influential interview that

30

I've ever done, not just because of the

impact that it had on me personally,

31

but I think you're going to see why

Valerie, of all people that I've had

32

on this show, will redefine what you

might think of, especially when it comes

33

to coaching, and how it might help you

overcome what you might have been through

34

in the past, but also how you're able

to see greatness in your own life, if

35

you're just willing to take charge.

36

But with that, let's go to the episode.

37

Alright, we're here with Valerie Rubin.

38

Valerie, thanks for sharing

your heart with us today.

39

Valerie: Aw, hi Joshua.

40

I'm so glad to be here today to share

stuff that's been on my heart, speaking

41

from the heart, and I'm so grateful to be

sharing my story and different insights

42

on how to heal anxious attachment, dating,

trauma, all the things we'll go over,

43

but thank you so much for having me on.

44

I'm so excited to be here.

45

Joshua: I'm super excited that you're

here too, and I find that you are one of

46

these package type of individuals that I

like having on the show, because we can

47

go in a variety of different angles, so

thanks so much for doing this, and I've

48

already let the listeners know a little

bit about you, but there's something that

49

really stuck out to me that I feel is a

great starting point that I normally don't

50

start with right away, so I'm actually

going to go right for the jugular; go

51

really deep, and a lot of things that

you've talked about, even in your bio,

52

was about suffering from chronic anxiety,

panic attacks, not being available,

53

and I'm wondering if you could share

a little bit of your perspective/story

54

as to what you were exactly going

through, and what led you into starting

55

a business, which for my listeners, is

called the Freedom With Valerie LLC.

56

Valerie: Yes, you got it, so I'll just

start with a little bit of my story.

57

I really deeply struggled for a few

decades of my life, up until I was 21

58

with crippling anxiety, chronic, and

what started to happen was it started

59

to lead into deep health issues.

60

Symptoms looked like fibromyalgia,

but every doctor, no demand, said

61

that there was nothing wrong.

62

I'm too young to be feeling this way.

63

It started with chronic headaches,

then neck pain, then shoulder pain,

64

then stomach aches, and then I felt

like a 90 year old woman in a 20 year

65

old's body, and then I also had adrenal

fatigue, and on my website, for those

66

who haven't seen my website, and even

on my Instagram, there's a before and

67

after of me before I started doing

this deeper healing work, and my skin

68

is completely cleared out from that.

69

I look like a completely different

person, but getting to my point, I

70

really deeply struggled with chronic

anxiety, and then I did talk therapy.

71

I did meditation.

72

I exercised all the time, I did all the,

quote unquote right things, and nothing

73

was moving the needle for me in regards

to my anxiety and overthinking, and

74

I felt like such a victim of my life.

75

I couldn't calm down.

76

I couldn't ever fully stop worrying,

and ever surrender in my life, and I

77

felt like my body was betraying me,

and so for me, I then literally came

78

across a woman on TikTok, who was

a rapid transformational therapist.

79

It's another form of hypnotherapy that

really gets to the root cause of a lot

80

of health issues, a lot of mental issues,

so this woman specialized in anxiety.

81

Literally, after one session, it felt

like ten years of therapy in one session.

82

I did six weeks working with this woman.

83

After that, all of my anxiety

became much more manageable.

84

It greatly reduced, and then,

all my health issues literally

85

vanished, and went away.

86

I had zero chronic pain.

87

I'm chronic pain free.

88

I'm able to move with ease.

89

I had to take off years of my life from

lifting weights, from doing things that I

90

thought would inflame me more, so that's

really how my story got started, and

91

then I went into the coaching world and

started my own business, because I was

92

going to get my PhD in clinical health

psychology and clinical psychology, but

93

I realized that I didn't want to be a

traditional talk therapist, because of the

94

huge transformation that I went through,

and so because of that, I decided to

95

go the untraditional route; started a

business, started to train in this form

96

of therapy called Rapid Transformational

Therapy and Hypnotherapy, and it

97

completely transformed my entire life.

98

As I was going through my journey, and

working with more and more clients, I

99

then specialized in generalized anxiety

disorder and chronic anxiety, and I

100

was so fascinated by hypnotherapy,

but it still wasn't getting as deep.

101

Some clients needed who had complex

post traumatic stress disorder, a lot

102

of childhood trauma, it only helped to

some degree, and you can't just regress

103

people every single week necessarily, so

what I ended up doing was I started to

104

receive somatic therapy sessions on myself

through different colleagues of mine.

105

I did something called brain spotting,

somatic IFS, also known as parts

106

work, which we can go deeper on, and

then nervous system regulation, so

107

to kind of backtrack a little bit, I

went through all this anxiety reduced,

108

and then I met an ex-partner of mine.

109

We started dating, and it ended up being

a very toxic relationship, and something

110

called a trauma bond, and so I was in a

relationship; a very serious one with a

111

covert narcissist, and then all my anxiety

really came back, because anxiety is a

112

messenger that something is off, and then,

I then discovered somatic therapy, brain

113

spotting, and nervous system regulation,

things that were a lot more trauma

114

informed that were actually working with

the body, like where these relationship

115

patterns were stemming from, what caused

me to stay in this relationship when I

116

rationally knew that I wasn't supposed to

stay in that, and so, because of that, I

117

then realized all my clients had a similar

problem with their chronic anxiety.

118

They had something called

an anxious attachment style.

119

They had chronic anxiety in relationships.

120

They had a fear of

abandonment, low self esteem.

121

It created this blueprint, this anxious

attachment blueprint, that made it

122

hard for people to leave these types

of relationships, and this is what

123

actually caused people chronic anxiety.

124

The people who weren't getting better,

it was because of these dynamics in

125

relationships, and so then, I healed my

own anxious attachment style, becoming

126

a master in somatic therapy, and then,

I decided to switch my niche to anxious

127

attachment, because that was really at

the root of where all of this was coming

128

from, so that's really how my involvement

started to happen, really, my soul journey

129

and how I've gotten to the place I have

today, and why I started my business, and

130

why I started Freedom With Valerie LLC.

131

Joshua: Wow.

132

There is a lot of stuff with that, and I

was very patient, because there's just so

133

many questions that came up through that,

that I want to ask you, and I want to

134

start with the physical aspects, because

especially with things that happen in

135

our lives, I remember growing up too.

136

I would have these acne breakouts too

because of how much stress I had, and

137

things of that nature, and even as a male,

I know that things are different from a

138

body chemistry perspective from a female,

but as I've gotten older, it's strange

139

to me how I've realized that stress, and

anxiety, all those different things, can

140

cause a variety of different shifts in

the way in which you respond to things.

141

I'm kind of curious.

142

Did that impact your self image

growing up, especially with all

143

these different physical ailments?

144

I imagine that you were

bullied a lot, were you?

145

Valerie: Actually, that's one thing I

didn't really experience was bullying.

146

I had this mask that

everything was perfect.

147

In my hypnotherapy school, something that

I learned that I teach all my clients

148

is we play four roles in order to stay

safe and to get attention, unconsciously.

149

It's one, so four different roles: the

perfect one, the perfect child, the

150

chronically ill child, the caretaker,

and the difficult/rebellious one, so

151

for me, I really overlapped and shifted

into different ones, but for me growing

152

up, I was the perfect child, so no one

really knew, other than close friends and

153

family, what was truly going on with my

physical symptoms and what was happening.

154

Growing up, I just really had these

deep core beliefs that I wasn't

155

good enough, not because that was

the innate truth of who I was.

156

It was because I

experienced a lot of trauma.

157

My father was a narcissist, as well as

my mom was very emotionally unavailable,

158

and one of my brothers is autistic, so

it was just very chaotic and my parents

159

weren't available to meet my needs, so

because of that, I started to internalize

160

beliefs that: "I'm not good enough."

161

"I'm unlovable."

162

It created a lot of these fears of

abandonment, and that's really where

163

a lot of the stress was coming from,

because those needs weren't being met,

164

and I didn't know how to process my

emotions, because my parents didn't, and

165

so if that's unlearned, of course all

that stress is going to accumulate in

166

your body, and so, physical ailments,

and physical problems, all stem down to

167

one simple statement, and that is when

we are in a state of fight or flight,

168

our bodies cannot heal in that state.

169

We can only heal in rest and digest state.

170

That's the parasympathetic

nervous system, right?

171

We have our sympathetic nervous

system, which is fight or flight,

172

and our parasympathetic, which

is calm, rest, and digest.

173

If we're not in that parasympathetic

nervous system state, we will accumulate

174

health issues, and that's the law.

175

Our body can't heal in that state.

176

Joshua: That makes a lot of sense

to me, and why a lot of therapists

177

even that I've worked with over the

years, and even have talked to on

178

the show, even involve a component

of, "You have to take a step back.

179

You have to reflect on it in some way.",

and I like how you said it, because I

180

haven't heard it that way before of rest

and digest, because of processing that,

181

we tend to find different answers to some

of the things that we might always go to

182

as our default response, or our defense

mechanism, so with that said, what was

183

your defense mechanism even growing up

then, because I love the fact that you

184

weren't bullied, so thanks for saying

that, because I think for some people,

185

when we hear that, we think that there

might be an external influence, so it was

186

more, from what I'm hearing, internal,

so what was your defense mechanism,

187

essentially, that you went to, and outside

of meeting the person that helped you

188

change that, what was that switch for

you, personally, that made that light

189

bulb turn on that you wanted to change?

190

Valerie: Yeah.

191

Such great questions.

192

The lightbulb moment for me, and

this really ties into my work now,

193

even more so than the anxiety, was

even still, like, even with the deep

194

chronic anxiety and physical health

issues, I felt I was doing all the

195

right things, so I felt that I wasn't

in crisis, and that, like, I was okay.

196

I was honestly just curious about what

this woman was doing, but the flip of

197

the switch for me was I figured this

out a month before I saw her, but this

198

was when I was like, "I really need to

attack this at the root.", this was like,

199

I don't know, going into being my fourth

relationship, or third relationship.

200

It was very a hot and cold relationship

and I felt like my self esteem was

201

at the mercy of his text messages.

202

I was so anxious.

203

I remember even, like, needing

advice from my brother.

204

Oh.

205

I would ask him, every hour, "Oh!

206

Do you think he likes me based on this?"

207

Oh!

208

Do you think he likes me?", because

my self esteem was very based on how

209

other people perceived me, because both

of my parents are highly codependent.

210

They have zero sense of self, and so

I learned that as well, but going back

211

to your first question of my defense

mechanisms, so my defense mechanisms were

212

like being in flight, aka I was super

effing anxious and worried all the time,

213

and then I was also the perfect one.

214

I masked everything.

215

I suppressed everything, because I

didn't want unconsciously to add stress

216

to my already stressed out family

that had an autistic brother who was

217

screaming, having tantrums every day,

and then my father, who was a narcissist,

218

and he had chronic health issues.

219

He has multiple sclerosis.

220

The last thing I wanted to do was add to

the stress, so, I pushed everything down,

221

and that's really where all my physical

health issues really came from as well.

222

Every thought that we think has a

physical reaction in our bodies, so

223

those were my defense mechanisms, and

that was my flip of the switch moment

224

of when I decided I needed to change.

225

Joshua: I find that to be unique, because,

for some people, when they go through what

226

you've gone through, which I hear myself

in you a lot because I grew up autistic.

227

I had no idea, Valerie, until about a

couple years ago when I got a diagnosis,

228

being an adult, that I suffered through

that, a lot of light bulbs went on for

229

me, and I know for some of the things

that you described, I could describe

230

some of my parent's relationship to

a t as it relates that to, and I feel

231

that in the culture that we grow up

in, we sort of gravitate towards those

232

same people, because we think that

those are influences, and I've had to

233

do a lot of work to kind of separate

myself from that, so I'm wondering.

234

What was the work that you had to

do to to separate yourself out?

235

In other words, I know you said you

found this, and you started doing that.

236

What do you think was the most helpful

moment for you to kind of be like, "Aha!

237

This is what I need to do to

separate myself on that."?

238

I'm wondering if you could describe

what that process was just very quickly.

239

Valerie: Absolutely, and yeah,

thank you for being so vulnerable

240

and sharing that diagnosis.

241

That's a big thing when we've gone

our whole life and we think we're

242

this way, but everything shifts when

you figure those things out about

243

yourself, and so, for me, something that

really shifted everything, honestly,

244

this was even like a few months ago.

245

I was working with my coach around this,

because I'm new in the dating space.

246

I've been single for eight months.

247

I guess that's somewhat new.

248

Not really, but she was like, "Listen.

249

You're the CEO of your business.

250

You're the CEO of your

fucking dating life."

251

I'm like Shit, because I

had the pattern of settling.

252

"Oh!

253

I don't need someone to be, quote

unquote, perfect.", but I was

254

negating the high standards that

I knew weren't reflected of me.

255

My last relationship; both of us settled.

256

Truly, I think that that to be true,

because both of us had a fear of not

257

being chosen, all these things, that

I haven't really shared openly about

258

as much, but, for me, I feel like two

things were flip of the switch for me,

259

so I guess three: what I just shared

with the standards- that's why i've also

260

been healthily single, securely single.

261

I've not been settling and i'm super

picky, not in an avoidant way, but

262

literally like this is my standards.

263

This is what I want, and I won't settle

for anything less than that, because

264

going back to the cultural aspect,

we are taught that, especially as

265

women, that we need to get married by

a certain age in order to be worthy.

266

We have to have kids by a certain age

to be worthy, all of these things, and

267

these cultural aspects of, "You don't

leave people that you love.", and that

268

was exactly like my parents have been.

269

In five days, they'll be married 35 years.

270

They definitely should have

gotten divorced many times.

271

They should have been divorced, but,

going back to other two light bulb

272

moments for me was when I left the

273

recent partner and I broke up, because

he was very avoidant, but at that

274

time, I didn't realize there were still

aspects of me that were unhealed, so

275

I'm grateful that that breakup brought

things to light, and I just remember our

276

recent breakup, I'm trying to make this

as short as possible, but our recent

277

breakup, what ended up happening was he

was like, we were getting very serious.

278

We were going to move in together.

279

I was even going to move states to

be with him, because we were long

280

distance, and what ended up happening

is he really self sabotaged it.

281

He didn't feel safe in continuing

the relationship, because he was very

282

avoidantly attached, so to someone

who's avoidantly attached, closeness

283

feels like suffocation, and so,

what ended up happening is we broke

284

up, and I just remember sobbing.

285

I felt so, like, really heartbroken.

286

It was out of a movie what our breakup

looked like as he dropped me off at the

287

airport, and I was crying, begging to

him, "Please don't do this to anyone else.

288

Make sure that you heal."

289

Obviously, he may not, but that was

also a flip of the switch moment that I

290

needed to also clean up my side of the

street of what parts of me have been

291

contributing to this, so, those are my

answers, but going back to your last

292

point is our dating choices are, very

honestly, very unconscious until you

293

do the unconscious work, like you said.

294

We will repeat the same patterns.

295

If your parents were codependent, if they

were trauma bonded, if they were like

296

very unstable, your nervous system will

find safety in that familiarity of them

297

leaving you, of them being unavailable,

of inconsistency, and so, when you do

298

meet them, you might know these red

flags, but they don't ring your alarm

299

bells, or you justify it by saying, "Oh.

300

I'll change them.", you

know, blah, blah, blah.

301

It's all coming from your inner child

and your nervous system, finding what's

302

familiar, and why I've been able to shift

out of this box of dating emotionally

303

unavailable people is through the work

that I've done; really, really regulating

304

my nervous system so that I'm not

looking for another person to rescue me.

305

Learning how to feel safe in my body

so that I'm not meeting anyone who

306

doesn't feel safe in their body.

307

All of these things are so important,

and ever since I've done the work

308

that I've done, the somatic work,

I've become emotionally available to

309

myself, so anyone who's emotionally

unavailable, I instantly get repulsed,

310

so that's my whole, long spiel.

311

I know I said so much, but, yeah.

312

Joshua: You know, I have to think about

the fact that, for me, there was a

313

time in my life that I was emotionally

unavailable for a variety of different

314

people, and I know the context of what

you've talked about just the last few

315

minutes has been about in the dating

scene, but, even for me, I think about

316

all the past relationships that even I've

had, and how toxic I've created it because

317

of being emotionally unavailable, trying

to hurt myself, and not even working on

318

my own shit, to then be able to work with

other people that were supposed to be

319

in this together, and even to this day,

Valerie, I'm even working on some of those

320

things, and I know that I'm not perfect.

321

I'm totally not even close to it, and

I know that there's so much work that,

322

even for people like you and I that

have grown up in these environments,

323

we find ways in which, even when we get

back on, we have to get back off for a

324

moment, because we realized that those

are the things that we're still learning.

325

We're still processing and we're finding,

and rediscovering, and the way that you

326

said it, it just speaks some clarity

to me, and I'm sure for many people

327

that struggle with that, especially

when it comes to not only narcissism,

328

but just feeling acknowledged, right?

329

It just creates that anxiousness to

really get to the heart of it, and

330

speaking of getting to the heart of

it, I want to spend some time on your

331

business, so Freedom with Valerie LLC.

332

You started this to help others, to

help clients with their relationships,

333

to overcome, even personally, some of

the things that you've said so far.

334

Why though?

335

Why give back?

336

I mean, isn't this about you,

and wanting to work on yourself?

337

Don't you think you've had all this

opportunity to continue doing that?

338

Why give the time of

day for somebody else?

339

What's your drive to

wanting to help others?

340

Valerie: That's a fabulous question,

and truly, it feels bigger than me.

341

Every time I struggle with any

challenge in my business, or I'm in a

342

slow month, or I'm in a tough period,

it's really just a soul calling.

343

It's something that it felt

like I couldn't not do this.

344

It just felt exactly like that, and

I've always been so fascinated with

345

the brain; helping people heal.

346

I've always just loved helping

people and being that support for

347

people, and so it felt like such

a disservice to not be doing this.

348

It was just kind of like, "Well.

349

I have to.", and my first coach that

I worked with that I was telling.

350

That was the first person that I worked

with who was the hypnotherapist, and she

351

told me, and I remember I had some sort

of business challenge, or something going

352

wrong, and she said, "People need me.

353

This is bigger than me.

354

It's not about me anymore.", and ever

since she said that it was like a flip

355

of the switch, that fully rings true.

356

Every time I have felt like maybe

I even want to throw in the towel,

357

because business is fucking challenging.

358

Anyone who says that a

business is easy is lying.

359

There's going to be challenges Every

time, God always shows me a way through.

360

It's so much bigger than me, and then each

client I meet, it's literally like I'm

361

talking, and helping, with my past self.

362

It feels like I never want to do

anything else in this entire world,

363

and I say that with certainty.

364

One of my previous partners asked me,

"If it was your last day on Earth, what

365

would you want to do?", and half the

day out, I was like, "I would love to

366

see clients and help people.", because

it's not just about helping one person.

367

After I work with them, and they're

healing, and they're working through

368

their traumas, then they're not

passing that down to their kid.

369

Now they're not projecting

it onto their partner.

370

Now, their work is better.

371

They're able to show

up better in the world.

372

It's not just helping one person, it's

helping thousands, and in the Jewish

373

religion, for example, the Torah says that

once you heal one person, you heal the

374

world, and I fully, deeply resonate with

that, so that's really my answer, is it's

375

just something that always has felt right

for me, and that's really where a lot of

376

my chronic pain started to increase was,

years ago, before I started my business,

377

I was teeter tottering between getting

my Ph.D., and starting my business,

378

and I had the worst physical pain.

379

It felt like my body was screaming at me.

380

It felt like it was on fire.

381

when I was applying, and

doing interviews for Ph.D.

382

programs and master's programs, and I've

got into many, and then once I decided

383

to do my training and make one of the

biggest investments I made which was

384

$17,000 right out of college at the time,

I had goosebumps all down my body, and

385

after I clicked buy, after I started my

hypnotherapy training, and it literally

386

felt as if God was working through me.

387

It felt like this was a yes from God.

388

All my pain was gone.

389

It felt like the biggest yes from my

heart, and my soul, and I completely

390

still resonate with that to this very day.

391

Joshua: You saying what you've said, it

defines a lot for me what this journey

392

has meant for me in my own business,

which my listeners know that this almost

393

two year journey for me, Your Speaking

Voice, has been about not only finding the

394

confidence, determination, relationships

to help others, but I want people to

395

have that voice to be able to share it

to the world, and when you said, even

396

from the Torah, about healing yourself

first, or even one person that you can

397

heal the world, I feel that, for the

longest time, I had to heal myself, so

398

when I hear this, I feel a sense of two

things: the conviction of wanting to

399

do this because you know it's the right

thing to do, but the other side of it is

400

to know that you willingly are pushing

aside, was supposed to be, maybe, your

401

path, that wasn't your path anymore,

you decided to say no, and to find the

402

strength in that, I think, is a true

test, a true courage if you will, of

403

being able to truly speak from the heart.

404

With that said, you are working with

people people that come from all kinds of

405

different backgrounds, and they might not

have had the same, similar experiences.

406

What does it mean to you to work

with those types of people to

407

help them see that other side, to

allow them to have that healing?

408

You call it healing.

409

I would call it the best

version of themselves.

410

What makes that bridge happen

for you and that client to be

411

better than they ever had been?

412

Valerie: A really simple answer is

connecting them to their divinity,

413

connecting them to their truth,

connecting them to their body, because

414

when you're connected to your body,

when you're connected to your emotions,

415

and when you can build up that self

worth that was never learned in the

416

first place, that's the bridge, truly.

417

That's the bridge from you to

your higher self, or best self,

418

whatever you want to call it.

419

It's all within you.

420

It's all within you.

421

There's so many different realities

here, and there is a reality

422

where you're securely attached.

423

You're in your healthy relationship.

424

You feel joy.

425

You feel happiness.

426

You feel like you can surrender,

even amidst the chaos and the

427

craziness that today's world bestows

upon us, and I also feel like we're

428

all one and we're all the same.

429

Even though I may have slightly different

experiences, I feel like almost every

430

single one of my clients has had

somewhat similar experiences to me, and

431

I feel like- it's like that's why I've

been called to show up in this soul

432

mission in this way, because I'm able

to show them that there is a way out.

433

I'm here to show them that you can get

through your hardest of hard times.

434

You truly, truly can.

435

Even when your mind tells

you that it's not possible.

436

Even when your mind wants

to throw in the towel.

437

Even when your mind is telling you

all these stories that you're not good

438

enough, that you should die, all of

this shame, it's not fucking yours.

439

It's literally not yours, and I was

literally working with a client on

440

this before I hopped on here of her

having so much shame and she felt

441

not good enough, and like the worst

person, like a bad person, whenever

442

she made a mistake, we get down to it.

443

When we're doing a

somatic therapy session.

444

It really had nothing

to do with her at all.

445

It literally was an internalized

belief, because her mom wasn't

446

paying attention to her.

447

Her mom was neglecting her, so a child

doesn't understand that their mother

448

isn't paying attention to them, so

instead of hating their mother, they

449

had to hate themselves in order to

survive, so it's, you're shame, you're

450

not good enough stories, I'm unlovable.

451

All these stories are not you.

452

You're not your higher self.

453

When you can unblock yourself from

these beliefs, see it from that space,

454

when you can do that inner healing,

you naturally become your best self.

455

You naturally become the higher version

of yourself, if you want to call it that.

456

That's this version of you,

who you're striving to be,

457

that's who you are right now.

458

How can you connect to them?

459

Joshua: I sit here, and I reflect

on even my own life, because even at

460

this time of this recording, even for

my listeners, I have to disclose the

461

fact that I am struggling with that.

462

I am struggling with the hate that

I have put for myself, even after

463

all these years, but I realize,

too, that the hate isn't from me.

464

It was from the circumstances of

everything that I've been surrounded

465

with, and I know that those

circumstances no longer exist, so

466

now, it's about changing a mindset

that no longer has to be present.

467

We're almost at the end of our

time, Valerie, and I want to

468

ask you one final question.

469

You say all these things.

470

You have worked the work, if you will.

471

You've put in that job to be able to

do what you need to do to help others.

472

What would you say is one thing

that you can inspire my listeners

473

today to have that healthy,

secure love that they deserve?

474

What's one thing that

they could start doing?

475

Valerie: One thing that I highly recommend

you start doing is learning how to

476

become emotionally available to yourself.

477

How do you do that?

478

One simple thing.

479

I know people hate meditating, and

especially, if you're a trauma survivor, I

480

also don't love sitting down meditations.

481

A lot of the time I like walking

meditations, but for example, I have one

482

meditation that is working with the body.

483

It's a little bit of a taste of somatic

therapy, teaches you how to process your

484

emotions, teaches you how to feel safe in

your body, has some breath work in there.

485

If you do that every single day,

I guarantee you, your entire life

486

will change, because when you do

that, and show up for yourself

487

in that way, that's showing to

yourself that I care about myself.

488

Even when I'm struggling, I will show

up for myself, and then you are becoming

489

emotionally available to yourself, and

then you become the securely attached

490

parent that you needed back then.

491

This will reflect in all

of your relationships.

492

It will completely transform your life.

493

If you pick out one thing from

that, it's doing that, and that

494

meditation is completely free in

my link in my bio and my Instagram.

495

I know Joshua is going to put that

in the show notes, but yeah, it

496

completely transformed my life.

497

It helped me reduce my own anxiety.

498

That's why I have it completely for

free in my Instagram bio, because I

499

want people to experience similar things

as I can, because you're never stuck.

500

Life is always changing.

501

Life is always moving.

502

It's a law of the universe that when

things go down, they have to go back up.

503

They will.

504

Even if you feel so fucking anxious

and you have the worst circumstances

505

in the world, it will get better.

506

Even if it's 5 percent better, you won't

always stay stuck feeling this way.

507

I promise you.

508

Trust me.

509

Take it from me.

510

Joshua: Trust and being able

to actually work with that.

511

I know that that can be such a

struggle, and I'm sure that even

512

people are skeptical, but you're right.

513

It is just about taking that first step,

and I appreciate you sharing all this.

514

Thank you for being so open, and I have

some more that I want to say, but before

515

I do that to wrap it up, I want to

give you the last few minutes, Valerie.

516

I would love for you

to pitch your business.

517

I would love for people to know

how they can get in contact with

518

you, maybe they are interested

in some coaching work from you.

519

How would they be able to also

access some of your social

520

media, especially with Instagram?

521

I'm going to give you the

last few minutes to do that.

522

Valerie: Yes, so my Instagram is

@HealWithVal, so that's H E A L with

523

Val if you type that on Instagram.

524

I give you so many tips, resources.

525

things to show you how

to actually do this work.

526

I have all of that as well as my podcast.

527

It's called the Anxiety Recovery

Podcast by Valerie Rubin.

528

I have amazing experts and

guests that share expert advice.

529

They share different insights

on how to actually heal from

530

trauma, heal your nervous system.

531

It's like a free hour of therapy every

single Thursday, and I love having people

532

on there, souls who are also on a similar

mission to me to help heal the world one

533

soul at a time; so many deep things there.

534

I love being on the podcast and I

love being on other people's podcasts.

535

Those are some ways you can connect

with me, and then I have a eight week

536

program that shows you, step by step, how

to heal your anxious detachment style.

537

It's called Freedom from

Anxious Detachment Blueprint.

538

It's a one on one each week.

539

We're doing the work.

540

We're getting through it.

541

It's all my years of therapy, all my years

of tools, thousands and thousands and

542

thousands of dollars in my own personal

development is literally all wrapped up

543

in this eight week program, so you don't

have to wait years for a breakthrough.

544

It's literally in less than 60 days,

you will become securely attached.

545

Joshua: I am working on so many things

I want to say to you, and this is one

546

of these episodes that I have to ask

myself the question of, "Should I be

547

even listening to my own guests?", and

it's interesting, Valerie, what you've

548

been through, and I even said it earlier.

549

The parallels between what you've been

through, and what I've been through are

550

strikingly similar, and that the things

that you've been through, you have seen

551

that other side while I'm in the middle

of that shit sometimes too, still trying

552

to work through all of that, but what

I find to be really fascinating, and

553

really a hope, if you will, of your

story is that you're paving that path.

554

You're willing to work with

people and you're willing to

555

not settle for less anymore.

556

I think that for settling and thinking

that you are going to get whatever

557

you want by settling, that's not

really true whatsoever, and I think

558

we find that in our professional life.

559

We find that in our personal life.

560

We find that in so many

venues, and I have to say.

561

There are things that you've said to

us today, even me included, that I'm

562

thinking, "Where can I go from here?",

and you gave some of that blueprint

563

today, and I think if anything else,

being able to be courageous to share all

564

these things is something that I haven't

had in a guest in quite a long time.

565

Thank you for being so open about the

variety of aspects that I think many of us

566

can identify and attest to that if we can

overcome those things, not only can we be

567

able to have that love, we can have that

ability to find freedom in our lives, so

568

Valerie, for all those reasons, thanks for

being on Speaking From The Heart today.

569

I really enjoyed not just the

conversation that we had, but

570

keep doing what you're doing.

571

You're doing great work, and from

one coach to another, thank you for

572

continuing to challenge the status quo.

573

Valerie: Hmm.

574

Mm hmm.

575

Thank you, Joshua, for having me on.

576

Thank you for allowing me to literally

speak from my heart and share these

577

deeper things, because some of these

things I haven't shared publicly, and I

578

just really love what you said as well.

579

I want people to embody freedom, because

on the other side of your anxiety,

580

your physical health issues, your

chronic pain, your anxious attachment,

581

on the other side of that is freedom.

582

That's literally why my eight week

Freedom From Anxious Attachment Blueprint.

583

That's why it's called that, and that's

why my business name is called Freedom

584

With Valerie LLC, because I want you all

to experience that joy, that freedom, that

585

aliveness, that joy, and that love that's

already within us; already within us.

586

We just need to reconnect with it.

587

Joshua: Thanks for reminding us

of all of that, and again, thanks

588

for being part of the show.

589

I want to thank Valerie again so

much for being part of the show.

590

She really helped me to understand some

aspects of my own personal life, which,

591

even after the show, I've had a few

conversations with her, just to get a

592

little bit more of an understanding of

her style, and it was really uplifting.

593

It was really encouraging for me, and I

think that we all need to learn that even

594

when we go through some of these toughest

moments in our life, even when we're

595

going through trauma, pain, frustration,

sorrow, depression, anxiety, all these

596

things and so much more, there is hope.

597

Even when we struggle with a variety of

different areas, we might be mistreated.

598

We might be really pushed into a corner,

whether that's in the physical sense

599

or the mental sense, we can always find

hope, even in the smallest of things, and

600

I really love the fact that when Valerie

talked about this random TikTok video

601

that she saw, it really changed her life.

602

It changed her perspective.

603

It led into what she's able to

do today, which shows you that

604

limitation should not hold you back.

605

Rapid Transformation Hypnotherapy

were just some of the tools in her

606

toolbox that she was able to gain that

helped her to not only reduce what

607

was happening in her life, which was

crumbling around her, but also reduce the

608

anxiety that she was feeling about it.

609

Even with all the things that we

have as tools at our disposal, many

610

people are skeptical of things such

as somatic healing, parts work,

611

nervous reductions, but yet, if you

have never tried it, don't knock it.

612

You never know what might work for

one person over another, and I think

613

that is something that if people

are willing to try, if they're

614

willing to put that step towards that

direction, why not give it a try?

615

Some people might not even know what

those other people might be going through,

616

so that they are judging before that

person even tries it, so when you're

617

able to say to somebody, "Yes, you should

explore that.", jump on that chance,

618

jump on that opportunity, because of

people like Valerie, we are able to have

619

that kind of choice, that we are able

to explore that, when we don't have the

620

tools or the gifts at our own disposal.

621

When we're able to process that

effectively, we're able to become

622

better versions of ourselves.

623

No matter what way you might want

to look at it, we can be healed if

624

we're willing to try new things.

625

That's why resting, why we should

digest things, how we recover through

626

these different patterns of life,

will all happen at various stages.

627

We don't even know until we try, as

I said earlier, if we are able to

628

try, we can bring, at the mercy of

someone, what it means to unmask and

629

address areas of our life that we would

have otherwise not had answers for.

630

I shared with Valerie, even after the

show, about my own diagnosis of autism,

631

being on that spectrum, not realizing

that many of the struggles of anxious

632

attachment, depression, all those

frustrations really held me back from

633

becoming a best version of myself,

and still, in some form, do today.

634

I have to learn, though, that when I

am able to embrace some of the tools

635

and techniques that even Valerie

has mentioned today, I can become

636

better in my own heart, my own soul.

637

It's allowing me to have that privilege

to become able to take charge.

638

What are those standards

that I can live by?

639

What should be chosen?

640

What are the things that I should

not settle for less, and how I can

641

not feel heartbroken anymore, and

walk away from the things that are

642

not helping me manifest growth.

643

Those are the things that if I wanted to

hire myself as the chief executive officer

644

of my life, those qualifications, those

questions would have to be asked during

645

that interview, and I better damn well

have an answer for that; be prepared for

646

what I have to share with it, because I

should stay convicted in terms of what

647

I'm able to achieve, and that's what you,

my listeners, are able to do if you're

648

willing to take charge of your own life.

649

It's not easy.

650

It means that you might have to push

back at some people that are adamant

651

about what direction you should go, how

you should feel about any sort of choice

652

that you make, how you are responding to

those choices, but how it feels to grow

653

bigger, to help yourself grow in these

opportunities, to prosper in ways that

654

you have never seen ever in your life,

whether that's in a financial sense or

655

not, might be some of your motivations

of wanting to change in the first place.

656

What struck me about Valerie's interview

today is when she quoted from the

657

Jewish Torah saying that if you heal

one person, you can heal the world,

658

it started to shake me at the core.

659

Now you might be asking yourself, "Josh.

660

This should be no secret.

661

You've already been sharing this

quite a lot in other episodes,

662

including your monologues.

663

I've been following you

for over a year and a half.

664

You should know by now that these are

the things that you even preach about.",

665

but then it started to really strike me,

because it's from a religious context

666

that this is coming from, and I'm sure

that for many of us, we have skepticism

667

about whether it means that we should

be really treating ourselves fairly.

668

Why we should be even encouraging

each other to become better

669

versions of ourselves.

670

If the religious aspect of this

is that we should heal one person

671

so that we can heal the world, why

should I take that responsibility?

672

If everybody else is being able

to do that, if they're being

673

charged to do that, why should I?

674

Well, I think that in Valerie's story

today, if you don't take charge, if

675

you're not willing to even heal yourself,

who else is supposed to do that?

676

Your mom?

677

Your dad?

678

Your friends?

679

Your family that are extended

beyond your mom and dad?

680

Your brother?

681

Your sister?

682

Who is it going to be?

683

I have to challenge you in that

you have to realize that that

684

healing starts solely with you.

685

Let's be real.

686

Even with all the training that you can

receive, all the connection to divinity

687

or the religious context, if you want

to even put it that way, your self

688

worth isn't just developed by training.

689

It's not just by creating this context.

690

You have to be able to also practice it,

so if you throw in the towel today, if

691

you're not willing to give yourself that

answer that you deserve, then of course.

692

Shame is going to control you.

693

It will become the precursor to every

single decision that you will make.

694

You won't be able to overcome, and

you won't be emotionally available to

695

those that really matter, because you

have to first show up for yourself.

696

That's really a hard pill to swallow,

even for myself, your podcast host, to

697

swallow that pill that if I have to become

emotionally available, and have to work

698

on myself first, that's a tall order.

699

That means that I have to let go

of some of the things that have

700

been holding me back for so long,

and stop living in the past.

701

It means that I have to let go.

702

It means that with all these struggles

I have to also realize that I have

703

the inherent power to change the

course if I feel depressed, anxiety,

704

if I'm sick to my stomach, if I can't

see very well, hear very well, if I

705

can't feel anything within my fingers,

regardless of what it might be, all

706

the different techniques that might be

available, including even hypnotherapy,

707

if I'm not willing to take charge of

myself, all of this will be for naught.

708

I know that it's very easy for us to

just disregard and just move on, to

709

put that into a box and push it aside.

710

That's what most abusers try to do to

their victims, so that, even then, as I

711

have dealt with clients that have gone

through some traumatic things in their

712

life, I've realized that they've put it

away, because they were never given the

713

opportunity, or the equipment, to be able

to resolve those situations on their own.

714

They weren't the CEOs of their life.

715

They let something else take over that

took charge of what they're supposed to be

716

feeling, doing, seeing, feeling; all those

things, which is why they did settle for

717

less, which is why they felt heartbroken,

which is why that standard in which they

718

were trying to meet, could never be met.

719

You might underestimate the power of

therapy or coaching, but when you put

720

the two together It's a manifestation

of a force that can't be reckoned with.

721

It's something that even when mercy

begs, mercy is for the weak, as one

722

of my most famous actors had once

said, but mercy is okay to have.

723

It's okay to go through this, not know

all the answers, to feel the way that

724

we are feeling, but if we're able to

heal that one person, if we're able to

725

heal the whole entire world through that

process, I think that's pretty cool.

726

I think that coolness needs to be

rectified again, especially in our society

727

that is grieving, that is hurting, that

is going through so much because we're

728

only worried about our own self worth.

729

Sure.

730

That means you have to work on yourself

first, and for many of my episodes,

731

I have preached that, because I think

that it all starts with you, but I've

732

also said that when you start with

yourself, you must also look around you.

733

You must see what other people are doing.

734

Sometimes it is okay to turn

away, especially when those

735

people are very bad influences.

736

It's okay to embrace what you are as

an individual, but the moment that

737

you stick with that, and you also turn

your cheek the other way when someone

738

else is willing to give you something,

is when shame begins, because you're

739

ashamed of what that other person might

be able to contribute to your life.

740

Open up your heart.

741

Open up your mind, and

see what's around you.

742

If you're willing to overcome, you

will become emotionally available.

743

You will be attuned to what's around

you, even yourself, and oh yes!

744

You will become the Chief Executive

Officer of your life, once again.

745

Success isn't defined by all these

different things that we're able to do.

746

That's what I thought at one point in

my life, but as Valerie has reminded

747

me today, and as many of my other

guests have reminded, even you, my

748

listeners, life is not about what you

are able to do in the quantity sense,

749

but what you're able to do with quality.

750

If you're able to let go of

these struggles, if you're able

751

to create this manifestation

in your life, trust me on this.

752

You will become emotionally available.

753

You will overcome all the physical,

mental limitations that you once

754

put on yourself, and oh yes!

755

You will enjoy the freedom that

you've always deserved, regardless

756

of what might be holding you back,

that anxious attachment or more, just

757

know that people, places, things, and

opportunities will keep on walking

758

by, until you radically transform, if

you're willing to share yourself and

759

your heart, in more ways than one.

760

If you're able to do that, success

will certainly come your way.

761

Thanks for listening to episode

number 172 of Speaking From the

762

Heart, and I look forward to

hearing from your heart very soon.

763

Outro: Thanks for listening.

764

For more information about our podcast

and future shows, search for Speaking From

765

The Heart to subscribe and be notified

wherever you listen to your podcasts.

766

Visit us at www.yourspeakingvoice.biz

for more information about potential

767

services that can help you create

the best version of yourself.

768

See you next time.