The Fashionably Late Bride: Finding love later in life

What are the odds of finding true love after 40? In today's episode of MaryLayo Talks, guest Vinnie Garrett shares about the ups and downs of single life and dating into her late forties. Vinnie shares about her life as a bachelorette, quest to find a husband, her preparation for marriage and how God mysteriously played a part in her journey to walking down the aisle and getting married.

Discussion points include:

• What was dating and life like as a single person?
• What was your biggest fear or concern while single?
• What were your key learnings while seeing a therapist?
• How did you meet your husband?
• Did you know your husband was ‘the one’?
• How did your perception of marriage and having children change in your 20s, 30s and 40s?
• How did your singleness affect your faith and relationship with God?
• Bible verses for restoration.

Take a moment to delve into what may be 'beyond the smile' - listen in to the conversation.

MaryLayo's spiritual wellbeing tip: Meditate on the bible scriptures Joel 2:25-26, Lamentations 3:25 & Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.

Connect with MaryLayo:

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For help in dealing with mental health related matters, please seek specialist advice and support if needed.

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Marylayo: Welcome to marylayo talks, a podcast

that discusses mental health and spiritual

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well being.

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Before we jump in, there may be episodes that

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are particularly sensitive for some listeners,

and if that applies, then I hope you'll be

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able to join me whenever you feel ready and

able you.

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In today's episode, I'm with guest Vinnie

Garrett, who walked down the aisle for the

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first time in her late 40s.

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Vinny talks about past relationships, her

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journey to preparing for marriage as a

bachelorette, and what her biggest fears were.

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Let's join in the conversation.

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So glad you're here.

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Tell me what life was like as a single person.

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Yeah, tell me about what life was like.

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Vinnie: Life as a single person has had a lot

of ups and downs.

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A lot, a lot, a lot of ups and downs.

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I would say my journey really started with my

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single life when I moved to maryland, because

I've been here, like, 20 years, I had just

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broken up with a long term boyfriend.

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We were going to get married.

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We were engaged.

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And, yeah, I broke it off because he didn't

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know me, and I knew he didn't know me, even

though I'm sorry.

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Yeah, let me rephrase that.

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I wasn't ready.

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I didn't know he wasn't the one for me, but I

knew that I wasn't ready.

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I thought I was, but I definitely was not

ready.

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And so I moved here.

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I was just like, I'm coming to maryland, and

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I'm going to find me a husband.

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Marylayo: Okay.

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Vinnie: Wow.

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Marylayo: Positivity.

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Vinnie: Why not?

It's a new place.

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I'm not married.

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I don't have any kids.

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I don't have any responsibilities.

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I'm 32.

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Let's do this.

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But full of a lot of ups and downs.

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As soon as I got here, I was ready to go back

to philadelphia, got in a long relationship

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with a gentleman.

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I was with him for almost seven years.

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At that time, I was working full time retail,

which means long hours.

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My schedule changed.

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I didn't get a lot of time off.

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I didn't get regular vacation.

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Nothing about my job or my life was regular.

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Everything was always up in the air like a

three ring circus.

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So he was already in a relationship for six

years when he decided to get in a relationship

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with me.

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Marylayo: Okay.

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Vinnie: And when I finally realized that when

we broke up, and this was on my 40th birthday,

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right after my 40th birthday, we broke up.

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And I was devastated because you found.

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Marylayo: Out.

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Vinnie: At that time, I didn't know he broke

up with me, and he blamed it on me moving to

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another part of maryland.

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So he was like, I can't do the commute.

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Just any old excuse.

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Which is also what really hurt.

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We talked about getting married, dude, what do

you mean?

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I found out later, this is how, you know, god

works.

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So mysteriously, I wound up getting unemployed

and started working for an accountant, the

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same accountant that he sent me to to get my

taxes done.

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And the first thing that he said when he saw

me, the accountant.

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And he's like, hey, did you hear about marty?

No. Hear what?

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Oh, he's getting married.

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The inside of me, mind you, this is just

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months.

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So he's telling me he's getting married, and

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I'm like, what?

Unbeknownst to me, the young lady that was

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working there with me, it would be his new

sister in law.

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And she didn't know who I was.

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I didn't know who she was.

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This is how it all came out.

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She was showing me pictures of her recent

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wedding, and I said, who's that?

That is my brother in law.

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Yeah, there's my sister.

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He's standing next to my sister, like, oh,

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okay.

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How long have they been together again?

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She has no idea that I just broke up with this

man.

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Between that and being 40 and not having any

kids, it did something to me.

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And I was depressed for a long time.

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I saw my primary doctor and I said,

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something's not right.

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I need help.

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My thoughts are doom and gloom, and I'm a very

positive person.

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I can't seem to wrap my head around anything.

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Like, anything positive.

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Like, okay, I'm going to send you to someone.

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And through working with him as the therapist,

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he was amazing.

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And I labeled it as tools in my tool chest.

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So these tools he was giving me were life

altering and life changing.

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Like, my whole mindset just changed after we

started seeing each other through therapy.

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It was great.

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And god led me to this therapist because he

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was amazing.

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While I was with him, I became unemployed.

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I lost my job.

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That's really where my journey started with

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dr.

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Long and with god being in such a low place,

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like, just starting from scratch of like, I'm

40 and I have no prospects of being married or

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even close to.

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Listen, when I was 40, it wasn't your normal

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40.

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And I'm just going to say this, you make 40

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whatever you want it to be, right?

If you want to be the spencer, you go ahead

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and you do that.

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If you want to be the of age young lady, and

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I'm just waiting for the right person to come

along, then you can be that person too.

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You can also be the 40 year old who's living

up their life.

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Marylayo: So, vinny, your therapist really was

able to bring you out of that place?

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Vinnie: He really was.

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So age 40, I started seeing him.

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I'd say I broke up with my boyfriend.

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Right.

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And a year later, I was seeing a therapist

about 41, and he laid out for me some very

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simple things that no one ever teaches you,

and one of them is vulnerability.

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Marylayo: Okay.

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Vinnie: In order to fall in love and to

sustain love, you have to be vulnerable.

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It literally goes down to the basics of men

and caveman days and.

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Right.

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Hunters gathers.

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I'm the provider.

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You have to be at that point in a woman's life

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to have someone hunt for them.

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You have to be vulnerable.

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You have to allow that to happen.

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As we've gone through time, we've gotten away

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from that.

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I'm an independent black woman.

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Yeah.

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That doesn't lend itself to you getting a

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husband, being an independent black woman.

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Marylayo: So that was one of your key

takeaways and learnings.

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Vinnie: Huge. I'm from new york.

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I'm the product of a single mother.

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My parents were married for a short period of

time, but it was just me and her.

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I was a latchkey kid.

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I came home on my own.

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I left the house on my own.

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My mom was already gone to work by the time.

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By the time I got ready to leave.

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And I often cooked dinner.

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I did everything.

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But not really realizing or not even really

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knowing that is a detriment.

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This independence, this thing we call

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independence that we've labeled is a detriment

to finding that vulnerability within your

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life, to allow someone to come in and help.

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Why would I do that?

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I know how to do everything myself.

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Marylayo: So then when did you meet your

hobby?

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Vinnie: I met him in 2012, because we both

worked at the same place, but at that time, he

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was going through a divorce, so he was

married, so we weren't friends.

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I just knew.

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Carlos is someone who worked downstairs in the

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cash office.

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But when we started hanging out is when we

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became close, and that was in 2015.

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Marylayo: So, before you met your hubby, what

would you say was your biggest fear or

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concern?

And I don't know if that changed before you

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had the therapy and after.

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But while you were still single, what was your

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biggest fear or concern?

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Vinnie: I didn't want to die never being

married like my grandmother.

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Marylayo: Right, okay.

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Vinnie: Like my father's mother.

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I didn't want to get married and then get

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divorced like my mom.

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Right.

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Marylayo: Okay.

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Vinnie: And in my family, there's only one

example of a good marriage.

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A good relationship.

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Yeah.

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Just one.

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And it shows, because not a lot of us are

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married.

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Marylayo: So what I'm hearing is that getting

married was very important to you and staying

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married.

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So finding the one was also very important.

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Vinnie: I don't want to do this again.

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I'm not going into it for the wedding.

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I'm going into it for the marriage.

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And so many people forget about the marriage,

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and they focus on the wedding.

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And none of those things at that stage in my

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life mattered.

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None of it.

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Not the dress, not the venue, is my future

husband there?

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Is my mom there.

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That's all I care about, where it is.

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I don't care what I'm wearing.

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Doesn't matter.

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Marylayo: So when you met your hobby, and I

know you said that you met him earlier, a few

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years prior, before you 2012, before you got

into a relationship with him.

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So when you met him later, how did you know?

Or did you know he was the one?

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Vinnie: Oh, gosh, no. Carlos is not my type.

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He wasn't.

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He wasn't my type.

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I'm a very gregarious person.

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I go out to clubs.

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I go to bars.

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I have lots of friends.

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I'm at the front of the line.

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That's my life.

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I smoke cigars, I drink.

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Don't tell anyone.

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Marylayo: I know.

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Vinnie: So my life was very bachelorete like.

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I went out on dates.

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I dated younger men.

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Marylayo: Okay. How many years younger would

you say?

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How low did you go?

Well, when I say low, you know what I mean.

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Vinnie: Age wise, I've had a 19 year

difference before where I was 19 years older

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than the person that I was dating.

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Marylayo: Benny, you are a larger than life

character, okay?

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Vinnie: I had a lot of fun.

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Marylayo: Yeah. But to be honest, I have to

say this quite often.

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When people say, you don't look your age, you

don't look your age.

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Probably looked younger than that 19 year old

different guy.

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Vinnie: Yes. No one ever believed the age when

I told them, like, oh, I'm 38.

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No, you're not.

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Oh, I'm 42.

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No, you're not.

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Oh, I'm 47.

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No, you're not.

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Yes, I am.

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I'm 54.

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I promise I'll be 55 next july.

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I can't wait.

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Lord willing, I cannot wait.

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Yeah.

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Marylayo: You look like you're in your.

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I don't know, maybe 30.

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Probably get away with late 20s, actually.

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You think so?

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I'm only seeing you virtually.

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Vinnie: This is true.

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Marylayo: But you could, I think you might be

able to scrape through the late 20s.

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Vinnie: That's funny.

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Thank you very much.

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Marylayo: So you had a very.

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Let's call it full on bachelorete.

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Vinnie: Bachelorette life.

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Yeah, had a bachelorete life before I got

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married.

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And like I said, carlos, he's older.

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Carlos is three years older than me.

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And in my experience with dating, men my age

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or older are boring.

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They don't want to do anything.

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They don't want to experience anything new.

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They don't want to try anything new.

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I've jumped out of airplanes.

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I've done that twice.

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Right.

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I'm an adventurous person.

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I need someone who is equally as adventurous

as I am.

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I'm not a homebody.

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That is not who I am.

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And at that point, I still wanted to have

kids.

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And a lot of older men, they already have

their kids and they don't want to start all

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over again, so to speak.

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Marylayo: Okay, so you mentioned something

very interesting.

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You said at that point you still wanted to

have kids.

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So talk me through how your perception of

marriage and having children changed.

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If it did in your 20s, in your 30s, in your

forty s, and maybe you dare say, let's not go

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with the 50s because you got married in your

40s.

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So let's just stay with the how did your

perception of marriage prior to getting

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married change over those decades and your

perception of children and wanting children?

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Vinnie: So in my twenty s, I wanted to get

married.

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I knew that I wanted to get married.

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And at that point, it was definitely, I need a

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big wedding, I need the dress, I need the

great venue.

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It wasn't really so much about the person that

I was marrying, and if it was going to be

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sustainable, it was who would accept me?

Who wants to marry me?

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Honestly, it's that simple, that simplistic.

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I mean, I'm sure being in the middle of it, it

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didn't feel that way, but it was very

simplistic.

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I wanted to have kids, but I also knew I

didn't want a baby daddy.

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So I knew I wanted to be married.

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And I did not want to go into this being a

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single mother from the beginning.

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I just didn't want that.

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In my 30s, same thing.

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And I went back to school.

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I got my four year degree.

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In my thirty s, I had my two year degree.

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So I was way more career driven than I was in

my twenty s. I got this four year degree

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burning underneath me.

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What am I going to do now?

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The world is my oyster.

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I'm not married.

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I don't have kids.

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We'll just continue to date and whatever

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happens, it happens.

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But then when I met jamar marty.

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Oh, I could get married.

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Okay, I could see that again for myself in my

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thirty s. I could see myself getting married

and he had a child and, all right, so he's

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already a great dad and he wants to have more

kids.

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So this works out perfectly.

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And again, we all know how that ended.

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So when it got to my forty s, I don't know if

I'm going to have kids, right?

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I don't know if I'm going to get married.

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Marylayo: Okay.

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Vinnie: I don't know if this is going to work

out for me.

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I don't see any viable suitors at that point.

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It was about a sustainable marriage and I saw

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lots of people getting married.

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And then three months in getting divorced or

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three years in getting divorced.

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And I did not want that to be my life.

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Marylayo: Okay, so then did that in your 40s,

then before you got married, would you say

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that because one of your big things before was

you want to get married and you want to stay

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married.

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So was that less of a big thing for you than

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when you came into your 40s?

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Vinnie: No, it was more important.

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It was even more important to make sure

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because desperation causes you to make

desperate decisions.

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And I refuse to just get married to someone

because they just asked me.

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No, I refuse to just settle.

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When you're in this mindset of being in your

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40s, you think of it as you're going to have

to settle at some point, not realizing it has

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nothing to do with settling.

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You actually know exactly what you want.

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Now you're really more focused in your 20s.

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Like, I want him to be tall, dark and

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handsome, and I want him to dress a certain

way and drive a certain car, and blah, blah,

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blah.

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In your forty s, I want to have fun.

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I want someone who's going to grow old with

me.

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I want someone who, if I happen to get cancer,

is going to be at my bedside holding my hand

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and lying to me and telling me that I'm

beautiful and saying that he loves me and that

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everything is going to be fine and he will not

leave this bedside.

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Honestly, that is the thought that I had in my

head.

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And if you can't fit that bill, if I didn't

think that you were going to be at my bedside

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if I had cancer, you didn't make it past the

cut.

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Sure, you have to be gentle and kind and open

minded.

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All these other things that we just don't

think about when you're thinking about a

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suitor, a person who's going to be with me

sustainably, it just wasn't in my mind frame.

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It wasn't.

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And then in my 40s, it was like you can't even

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get past the first date if I don't think that

you are going to be worth my time.

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Marylayo: Yeah. Because time is precious.

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Vinnie: My time is extremely precious, and you

no longer get to waste it with your lies.

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Marylayo: So let me ask you about, because

you've mentioned god a few times, let me ask

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you how being actually two questions.

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The first is when you were, let's call it much

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younger, what age did you think you'd get

married by?

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Vinnie: 30.

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Marylayo: 30, okay.

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Vinnie: And then when I broke up with my

fiance, I knew that wasn't going to happen.

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Marylayo: Okay, so then let's say when you

were 40 something and still not married, how

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did that impact your faith and your faith in

god in terms of what you wanted?

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Because it was a long, extended time period

when you were believing for something,

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expecting something to happen, and it didn't

happen.

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Here you are in your late 40s.

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Mid late 40s, still single.

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Yeah.

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How did that affect your relationship with god

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and your faith?

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Vinnie: So I'll be honest.

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Coming to know what dr.

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Long had taught me, I started to pray

consistently for god to prepare me for my

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husband and to prepare my husband for me.

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I've got to be prepared.

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This person has to be prepared for me.

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I'm a lot.

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I'm a lot.

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We all are.

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In our own way.

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We are a lot.

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And you have to meet someone whom you

sustainably feel like.

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If this person gets on my last nerve, do I

still like them?

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Because love is not going to keep you

together.

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Love is not going to help you to make

decisions.

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Do I like this person or respect this person

enough?

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And then do I respect us as a unit then do I

respect myself?

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Not necessarily in that order.

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They all come up at different times.

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I wouldn't do anything that would make my

husband or my brand look crazy.

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I would never do that.

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And if you are the type of person who yells

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and screams about in public, slams doors or

from afar, if I can tell that you two aren't

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getting along too, that's your brand.

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What are you doing?

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Breathe.

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Come out of the public eye, go into your car,

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have the conversation when you get home.

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It takes a level of maturity.

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Like as we spoke about earlier, I would be the

person who would pop off in a second.

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The person I am now is introspective.

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Okay.

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What could I have done differently?

What did I do to cause this person to feel

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this way to where they now are saying x, y and

z?

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Or did I not do anything?

I still need to handle it a lot differently.

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Even in the relationship.

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How carlos feels, how he navigates through

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this relationship and how I make him feel are

the utmost importance to me.

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It's not important how I feel all the time.

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It's not because it's about give and go.

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You can see it in his eyes that he doesn't

care about how he feels all the time either.

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How do I feel?

But that's something you get to know.

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When you get to know your mate and you're

choosing a mate to be with, do they really

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mesh with you?

Right.

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It's not just about, can we hold hands?

And will he pick up the bill?

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No. Him being a christian and knowing the

bible infinitely better than I do and growing

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up in the church, that was a draw for me.

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It was a huge draw.

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He's the one that started me to start praying

consistently over my food.

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I didn't before.

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And I know that seems so small, but it's huge.

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Marylayo: Yeah, it's huge.

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Vinnie: The consistency of god and god's

blessing.

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And to see it, he helped me to see that.

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Marylayo: Do you know what?

You sound like you should be a marriage

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counselor.

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Vinnie: I'm glad that you think so.

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I try to tell people, anyone who will listen,

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about what it's really like to be in a

relationship, like a sustainable relationship.

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Anyone can get married.

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Anyone can call themselves your boyfriend or

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your girlfriend.

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But are you truly happy?

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Do you feel like a puzzle piece?

Do you feel like you really fit with this

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person?

In all scenarios, if we were to go out to the

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middle of the desert and be stranded, I know

carlos and I got this.

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We're not going to be.

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He already knows.

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I'm going to be a lot to deal with because I'm

going to be tired, I'm going to be hungry.

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And once those two things happen, he already

knows how to navigate me.

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Marylayo: Right, okay.

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Vinnie: But do you have that, do you have that

person who is adaptable to every situation?

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Marylayo: It's lovely.

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What I'm really feeling is that that period of

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you praying and forgot to prepare.

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You prepare your husband, god, you invested,

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because sounds like you have a very, like,

what I would call deep and loving and mature

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marriage.

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So we're going to leave it there now.

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We'll be welcoming vinny back to continue the

conversation.

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But in the meantime, here's a spiritual

wellness tip.

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It's a scripture from joel, chapter two,

verses 25 and 26.

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And it reads, I'll make up for the years of

the locust, the great locust.

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Devastation locusts, savage locusts.

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Deadly, fierce locusts.

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Locusts of doom.

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That great locust invasion I sent your way.

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You'll eat your fill of good food.

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You'll be full of praises to your god, the god

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who has set you back on your heels in wonder.

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Thank you for listening.

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Do follow and join me again next time on mary.

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Layo talks beyond the smile.