The tween and teen years can feel like emotional whiplash — one minute you're managing mood swings, the next you're untangling tech rules or talking boundaries.

In this episode of the Where Parents Talk podcast, host Lianne Castelino interview Bailey Gaddis — certified parenting coach, doula, hypnotherapist, and mom of two — to help bring calm, confidence, and customization to the parenting journey.

The discussion unpacks how to:

• Create parenting plans tailored to your child
• Support emotional growth through hormonal changes and screen time stress
• Foster independence, build trust, and open the lines of communication
• Handle bullying, teach consent, and nurture real-world relationships

Rooted in real life and backed by research, Gaddis discusses how parents can lead with flexibility, intention, and heart.

Links referenced in this episode:

• whereparentstalk.com

This podcast is for parents, guardians, teachers and caregivers to learn proven strategies and trusted tips on raising kids, teens and young adults based on science, evidenced and lived experience.

You’ll learn the latest on topics like managing bullying, consent, fostering healthy relationships, and the interconnectedness of mental, emotional and physical health.

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Welcome to the Where Parents Talk podcast. We help grow better parents through science, evidence, and the lived experience of other parents.

Learn how to better navigate the mental and physical health of your tween teen or young adult through proven expert advice. Here's your host, Lianne Castelino.

What if parenting didn't have to feel like guesswork? What if you could create a clear, flexible parenting plan tailored to your child's unique needs and your family's values?

Welcome to Where Parents Talk. My name is Lianne Castelino. Our guest today is a certified birthing doula and a certified parenting coach.

Bailey Gaddis is also a certified hypnotherapist and an authority. Her latest book is called Customized Creating Easy Intuitive Parenting Plans for Evolving Families.

Bailey is also a mother of two, and she joins us today from Ojai, California. Welcome, Bailey, and thank you for being here.

Hello. Thank you for having me.

You work with many parents as both a coach and a doula. Curious as to what patterns and challenges are you noticing that led to this idea of creating customized parenting plans?

Yeah, so the, the, you know, there's many.

But the biggest thing was so many parents, you know, clients, friends, myself being so concerned about the rules, you know, it's like, oh, I'm, you know, really tempted to co. Sleep with my child, for example, you know, but the. The rule is you're not supposed to or, you know, with disciplining.

You know, my mother says that this is the way it's supposed to go, but I'm, you know, really Dr. On to doing it another way and so realizing that so many of us, granted, like, we're not all operating by the same rules. You know, our. Our culture, our family of origin.

You know, there's so many factors that influence the rules that, you know, we're parenting by, but realizing that in so many ways, they were preventing us from parenting in a way that felt really authentic, really intuitive, and parenting in a way that felt you the best for our family. And each family is unique. Each parent, each child is unique. So those rules was the first step towards thinking, huh? You know, I wonder.

I wonder if we cleared the slate of all the rules even. I mean, some might be great, some might be good. We might add some of them back in.

You know, it's not that we're operating from all these horrible, you know, ideas about parenting, but just clearing that slate. Slate.

Connecting with that intuition and then building upon that clean slate, you know, what really felt right for us and realizing that it's okay if it's different from the way that your mom, your sister, your friend, that parenting author. It's okay if it's different than, you know, how they're doing it.

So let's break that down a little bit. In what ways then, Bailey, would you say specifically that creating a parenting plan addresses is what you just described with those rules?

Yeah. So in the book, again, like I said, we go through the process of clearing that slate in the beginning, really tuning into what is intuition.

It's a word that's thrown around a lot, but there's a whole chapter going into the science of intuition because it's such a fascinating topic. There has been more research on it.

So really digging into what that is, how we connect to it, how we can trust it, and then going into nine different components of parenting. For example, communication. All right, so let's look at the research that's out there about communication.

I have different prompts like what would it look like your ideal conversation between you and your child?

For example, if you were discussing something with a three year old, that is a more challenging discussion about I want this popsicle for breakfast and you maybe are feeling like that's probably not the healthiest choice.

You know, looking at how you want that communication to go and really finding a plan again for the different components of communication that feels good for you. And knowing that a lot of it's trial and error. Right.

It's not just that we figure out a plan and it works perfectly and everything is so easy and we don't have to worry about it. Again, disciplining, you know, boundaries. Eating, of course, you know, which is not just an issue in those early years.

You know, my 12 year old, for example, he has more autonomy now with what he eats and it is mainly chips and ramen noodles. So there's still a lot to be done there. Yeah.

So I try to provide a balance of a lot of research based information because there is a wealth of, of knowledge out there, you know, about, you know, for example, corporal punishment, that is. I really tried to not be prescriptive in the book, but that is the one thing where I say all the research shows we don't want to hit our kids. Right.

You know, so sharing research about that, but you know, about communication, discipline, all the things. I think I read a total of a little over 250 research based papers for this book and it.

Which was fascinating, very time consuming, but I wanted to offer that to parents. Like, look, here is somewhat subjective. You know, any science, any study is, has some subjective nature to it. But offering that.

Offering stories of, you know, different ways to do it. Always reminding the parent that, look, some of my opinions are probably going to come out if you don't agree with them. Great. Tune into that notice.

Why don't you agree with whatever the technique is that I'm talking about? What would the opposite of that look like?

So, always staying in that space of curiosity, inquiry, and throughout the process of the book and then the writing aspects of it, because I give parents a template to fill in for each aspect of the parenting plan. Again with the communication, with eating, with all of it. Very specific questions to fill in.

And the idea is at the end that you have this fully formed parenting plan to jump off from. Right.

You know, because like I said, we're always evolving and we're always changing, and this will be like a living document that is changing and growing with you.

But, yeah, to, like, really create something, you know, if you have a partner with your partner, if your children are old enough to discuss it, creating it with your children as well, and hopefully creating this.

This plan, even this, like, family ethos that really connects with everyone in the family, and then hopefully is something that everybody is motivated to. To work, you know, work the system that you're. You're creating. So, and it's something that I did as I was writing the book.

You know, I'm like, I can't tell other people to try these things, to answer these questions unless I'm actually doing it, which is why it took me. I've been working on this book for almost five years, maybe more.

You know, thinking about the initial idea of it, because I really wanted to try it out, try the ideas out with my own families, my poor family. They were my guinea pigs. But I think overall, it was a really positive experience for us.

So along those lines, clearly a lot of passion and inspiration for you to go down this road, devote five years of your time, involve your family and all of that.

When you think about the amount of stuff that families have gone through, certainly in the last several years with COVID 19, you know, understanding and seeing their kids maybe in different ways. The world we live in today, is there an ideal age when this customized parenting plan should be crafted? How old should the kids be?

Should there be more than one type of plan? That is to say, when you first become a parent, as an example, and then maybe older, when you're.

When your kids are a bit older than they can participate in the crafting of the plan.

Yeah, that's a great question.

So when I first conceived of the idea it was that you would start creating this plan when your child was about two or three, you know, in that first year, the baby year. You know, it's more about that postpartum phase, right, which you know, I write about in my, in my last books.

But this is more geared towards, okay, when did those parenting plans start coming into effect? When do you start needing them? And again, look, looking at two and beyond.

So that was the initial idea is starting it in those, in those toddler, toddler days, you know. And so each chapter, many of the ideas, you know, can be geared towards that.

But as the book evolved, and again, as my own family evolved, myself, my editor, were like, we really want this to be something that is effective for parents of older children, you know, because again, you know, like my 12 year old, I hadn't done all of the stuff that I'm talking about in the book with him. And like through accident, we, we had found, you know, parenting plans for him that did work well.

But there were a lot of gaping holes in how my husband and I were parenting him that we really wanted to fix. So that became a new focus. You know, how can we create a book that is helpful for parents of all ages?

And obviously, you know, there's going to be some information that is more geared towards a three or four year old. Right. But then we try to balance it out, you know, in the same section, you know, with. Okay, but now let's look at the same topic.

But if you have like a preteen, an early, you know, early teen, and I would say it probably goes up to like 15, 16, you know, beyond that, you start to get into, you know, young adulthood and it's a whole other, whole other bag of worms that you're dealing with. So I would say up to like, yeah, 15, 16 is from like three to 16 is what we're really focusing on.

But yeah, you know, my hope is that it is, that's really helpful for that big range of ages.

Along those lines, you talked about this idea that parenting in your view is a living document. What does that mean? How would you go about defining that? You talked about it a little bit, but what's the definition of that in your view?

And why is it particularly important in the adolescent years?

Right. We are all changing constantly. You know, as parents, hopefully we're learning, we're growing.

You know, you hear so many parents talk about how their children are their teachers. I find that to be so true.

But children especially, they are changing rapid fire, you know, between the ages That I mentioned, you know, 3, 16, there's so much change, not just mentally, but physically as well.

I write about that in the book because I didn't know a lot about what exactly, exactly are the changes that are happening in their mind, in their body. So I really wanted to figure that out.

But so realizing that again, what like the plan that you come up with when your child is four, even like six months from then you might realize, oh, wow, my child has changed in so many different ways. I've learned new things about myself and my child that are shifting how I feel about communication or boundaries.

And so I want to go back, you know, to this document and any volvet to allow it to grow with myself, with my family.

And getting out of that idea that if something in your plan isn't working or needs to be changed, it's not at all about failure or oh, I didn't do it right, or oh, like, I just, I just don't know what I'm doing. But no, like, you're evolving, your child's evolving, you're changing. And so let the, the editing, the evolution of your parenting plan be a success.

You know, you are recognizing those changes and really tuning in to how they impact yourself and your family. And you're getting creative about how you can, how you can shift that. That living document.

You talked about intuition earlier and your book really is rooted in the idea that intuition, family values, and research based insights are foundational to effective parenting. How would you go about describing how those three concepts intersect?

Right. So I feel like, you know, the intuition is really like your authentic self. It's who you really are.

It's also, of course, a combination of everything that you've experienced and learned throughout your whole life. You know, science has shown, studies have shown that that is a huge piece of the intuition.

You know, everything that is up in your subconscious mind mostly.

So a lot of times when we're using our intuition to help make a decision, we're not consciously aware often of all of the information that our brain is processing to help us come to a conclusion. It's, you know, all those memories, experiences inside the subconscious mind.

And with those values, they are also deeply connected to the same thing, right? To all of your past experiences, beliefs, everything that you have learned, they've all shaped what you most value, you know, in your life.

And, you know, thinking about the rules that I mentioned so often, that intuition, those authentic values that we have can get really like muddied as we, you know, go through being influenced by TV by a book by people in our life, you know, by, you know, the rules at our child's school, you know, for better or worse, and can push us away from those values, from connecting with the intuition. And so I really believe.

And that's, you know, I was very intentional with, you know, how I organized the book and had intuition at the very beginning, because I'm like, we need to connect with that first.

We need to figure out how to really tune into the intuition, and then after that, tuning into those values, you know, so those are the two of the main things that I wanted to really bring together, to really awaken in the parent before we got more into the specifics of, you know, the nine different realms of parenting so they could really guide us. I keep saying the word authentic, but that's just keep. Keeps coming to mind, you know, to guide us in a way that is authentic for who we are.

Because when you're parenting from that really authentic place, when you're living right, from an authentic place, things just start to get a little bit easier. You know, you start to feel a little bit lighter, a little bit happier. You know, when you're, like, living in your.

Your authenticity, which then becomes living more, like, in your sense of purpose. Right. You know, things just start to feel a little bit better, a little bit easier.

So that was a really important piece for me and something that, you know, took me a long time to tune into, like in my 20s, my authenticity, you know, intuition, they were just sorely underutilized. So once I, you know, just as an individual, connected with those things, and then, especially when I became a parent, it.

For me, it just became apparent that they're just crucial, crucial to everything, but especially parenting.

And I think it's such an important point that you're making because a lot of parents can relate to that because there is so much noise, there are so many distractions.

There's so many things that can, you know, infiltrate your own confidence, your own ability to be confident in your parenting and your parenting style. So it is certainly something that a lot of people can relate to.

Bailey, when we talk about the research that you did for this book, you talked about, you know, extensively researching and pouring over papers and things like that. Is there anything in the research that struck you in particular?

Oh, that's a good question. Well, the first thing that comes to mind was how much research there actually was about intuition. I really wasn't expecting to find that much.

I was expecting that chapter to be mainly about kind my own experiences, my own beliefs about it. But I Was really surprised that there was so, so much solid research about it. You know, for example, one of the.

The papers I read was about dentists and about when they did not have time, you know, when they had to make a quick decision, you know, about the health of a patient, for example, if they were, like, removing wisdom teeth or something like that, you know, so often they made a much better decision, you know, and. And they also looked at situations where they needed to make a quick decision, but, like, they did. It wasn't an emergency, right?

So they had some time where they could have gone and, like, done a little bit of research and, you know, really used their, like, analytical mind to try to figure out, like, okay, well, what is. What do my peers. What do they say I should do?

So if they do that versus their intuition, that more often than not, when they just allow their intuition, which, of course, in this setting is obviously informed by extensive education, right? Like, it's not just somebody off the street making this decision. It is highly qualified, you know, dentists making this decision.

But that more often than not, the decision that they made when it was that gut instinct had better results than when they went and got into the analytical mind. And then they started questioning themselves and weren't really sure, you know, what should I do with this particular situation?

So I thought that was really interesting that they even looked in the medical field at all for information about intuition that so many other studies. And I'm trying to think, you know, with. With the discipline as well. There were a lot of really interesting papers that I read, and.

And I enjoyed it because, you know, my personal parenting style probably, you know, gears more towards kind of the, like, attachment parenting, which, like I said earlier, you know, like, I admit in the book, but I also try to not, like, make this, like, an undercover book about, like, attachment parenting being, like, the best.

But in all the research, you know, my assumption was that, oh, well, I'm sure most of this research is going to, you know, back up the beliefs I already have. And there were plenty, right? You know, because there's. There's plenty to be said about attachment parenting.

But it was great because there were plenty of studies I read that that I don't want to say, like, refuted parts of attachment parenting, but showed some really positive results from other styles of parenting that worked really well.

And it allowed me to really see that, like, okay, all of these different styles of parenting, like tiger parenting, helicopter parenting, there's something to be said for pieces of all of them, right? You know, so nobody's Wrong, you know, in the style of parenting that they're, you know, connected to.

And again, the whole thing with the book is realizing that you don't have to subscribe to just like attachment parenting or helicopter parent. You know, you can take what you want from all of those different styles, again, make up your own style, piece it together to have something unique.

But that was really helpful for me to be challenged in a lot of preconceived notions I had about parenting and to feel that initial defensiveness, like, well, surely that can't be right. And it really helped me develop a more open mind, like an authentically open mind.

Not just like, yes, I'm very open minded about these topics, but like, it really challenged me. And so that, you know, was fascinating for me. Surprising. And yeah, just really, really helpful.

Did it end up in any way influencing how you parent?

Yes, yes, I would say specifically, you know, with my, my daughter, she's three and a half. She has a very strong personality. She's so different than how my son was.

And you know, she, if something's happening that she does not like, she will scream. And I mean, my son never had like tantrums, but this girl, like, she lets loose.

And for so long I was trying, you know, more gentle ways to help her work through it. And like, nothing worked.

And so a lot of this research, you know, offering ideas that were a little bit more strict, you know, things that at first I felt like, oh, well, that just feels too hard. Like not, not hard and that it'd be hard to do, but just, just like too hard of a line to have with her.

And like, I don't know if I can do it, but the research pushed me to, to try, you know. And like, for example, you know, when she would be just having a meltdown, I'd be trying to like, talk to her and like reason with her.

And I'd be asking like soft questions, which I'm sure with some children that works great, but for her it wasn't. And so having that harder line, like, you know, I can't understand what you're saying, you're hurting my ears.

You know, I, or in some cases like, you're trying to hit me and hurt me and I can't allow that to happen. And I'm going to stand in either another part of the room or in the next room until you feel like you can actually like speak to me.

And, and at first I was feeling like, oh, well, that's like neglectful or you know, I had all of these all this chatter in my mind, but it worked great.

You know, her realizing that I can't hold my parent captive by screaming and yelling, you know, she, even if I'm still in the same room, but I just disengage from the whole dance of anger. It would like get her out of it. So again, it was very cool to see, see how all right.

There's so many different ways to do it and each child, you know, needs, needs something different in, in many cases.

Another really relatable example and I think it's such an interesting one that you, that you point out and the fact that you saw the research, were able to apply it in your own home and saw the results is, is really so interesting. When you talk about the nine essential sort of parenting elements that you talk about in your book.

There are several obviously that are, you know, important to adolescents in particular.

When we talk about communication, for example, that is, you know, always important becomes, you could argue, very tricky in the adolescent years and in the development years. How would you say, like what do you.

Which could you offer as tips and advice for parents of kids in that age group, especially in the age of texting and a lack of face to face dialogue these days.

Yeah, for, for us. And this is, you know, what I tried to, you know, convey in the book.

Number one, you know, having these family meetings that at first like, especially like the 12 year old is like I don't want to let sounds so boring but requiring for us it was, it's once a week having to like sit down as a family and, and letting him know as well. Like look, you can bring your like own concerns to the table.

If you feel like there's rules or whatnot that are placed on you that you don't feel like are fair, bring them. You know, we're going to discuss it. And so that started to, to open up more commun. Communication.

Writing letters was also helpful because my son, he would say I feel like I'm just railroaded when I try to talk to you or dad about screen time, for example. And he was right in many ways.

We would kind of, despite our best efforts, just jump in with like, well this is why you already watch too much screen time and these video games are too violent and and we wouldn't really let him fully move through, you know, his thought process. So we would start doing letters as well. Sometimes like emails when he started to want to like learn how to type and whatnot. That and then car time.

I value that so much now with my son and, and I'M taking advantage of that now. Right. Because once he gets his driver's license, he's never going to want me to drive him anywhere.

But when your child is still needing you to drive them around, really, really utilizing that car, time to try to, you know, pull some conversation out of them.

And, and I also, a huge thing is not just allowing conversations to be about, like, my agenda or about fixing something that's wrong, you know, like, okay, great, now that I have you in the car, let's talk about, you know, that violent video game that you downloaded and how that's not okay. But thinking about, you know, his interests and really trying to engage him in discussions about that.

Sometimes we, like, listen to a podcast that he's really interested in and then we talk about it, you know, so letting him see that I'm not just, like, this disciplinarian, you know, I also authentically care about what you're interested in, and it helps us, again, build that relationship beyond just me telling him what to do, which I know it can easily feel like that when you're busy. Right? You know, you get home from school, it's like, okay, unpack your lunchbox, do your homework.

Now it's time to get ready for bed, blah, blah, blah. You know, we don't have a lot of time to connect.

So really being intentional with creating that space, even finding games that he likes, I usually have to force him at first to sit down and do a board game or whatever it is. But if it's a game that I know he enjoys, then he'll usually open up. So it takes a little bit of pushing.

But the more we started to do this, and especially the more that I started to engage him in topics that he actually enjoyed, it's easier now to. To get him to open up and he's like, even, like, sharing, like, class gossip and, like, who's dating who.

You've made a lot of progress, it sounds like.

Yeah, yeah, no, Very, very exciting. And he doesn't shut down as much.

So, yeah, those are, you know, a few things that have been helpful again, at least for, you know, this preteen stage.

For parents who may be interested in crafting their own parenting plan, what would you say is one small step that they could take today to make that happen?

Yeah, you know, I would say start to make a list of what you're doing as a parent that you feel like is working and what you feel like isn't working, because that is going to give you a great jumping off point into figuring out you know, what is it that we want to change? Obviously, buying my book, that'll help so much. But, yeah, really looking at what's working, what's not working.

And then again from there, you know, so many questions, like, in a good way will start to come up, like, okay, this isn't working. What are some ways we can change that? You know, to get to that space where, again, we're coming up with an authentic parenting plan.

If there's one message that you want readers of Customized Parenting to leave with Bailey, what would that be?

Yeah, I would say, number one, you are not a bad parent. Even if you feel like at times certain parenting strategies are, like, failing, you truly are.

I really believe that almost all parents, we are doing our best all the time. We are doing our best. We love our kids, and we are trying.

And by just, you know, just continue to ask yourself questions, just be curious, Try to use parenting as an avenue for creativity and just stay open to change. You know, staying open to change is such a huge one. Like, it's okay for you to change and to change your plans to. To roll with your kids changes.

You know, it's one of the most exciting parts about life.

Lots of really interesting food for thought. Bailey Gaddis, author of Customized Parenting Creating Easy, Intuitive Parenting Plans for Evolving Families.

Really appreciate your time and your perspective today. Thank you so much.

Thank you, Leanne. I appreciate it. To learn more about today's podcast guest and topic, as well as other parenting themes, visit whereparentstalk.com.