Shownotes
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In this episode of "A Changed Mind," host David Bayer dives deep into the recurring patterns we experience in relationships, revealing why we often find ourselves facing the same emotional challenges with different partners.
David discusses the concept of soul contracts, explaining how unresolved issues from our past—and even past lives—shape the people we attract and the experiences we repeat. Through personal stories and powerful insights, he shows how our relationships mirror our inner state, offering us vital opportunities for growth and healing.
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Available on Amazon: A Changed Mind: Go Beyond Self Awareness, Rewire Your Brain & Reengineer Your Reality
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What We Explored This Episode
00:01:05 Why We Repeat Relationship Patterns
00:07:01 Soul Contracts and Taking Responsibility
00:12:02 The Mirror Principle and Transforming Relationships
00:17:01 Radical Forgiveness and Achieving True Love
00:19:18 Community Invitation and Going Deeper
Memorable Quotes
Memorable Quotes from David Bayer
"I believe the people who enter your life are not random. They’re part of a curriculum, and once you understand that, relationships begin to make a lot more sense."
"If you’re thinking something that doesn’t feel good, it’s not true. That thought is incoherent with the reality of the situation, and that’s why it doesn’t feel good."
"The point is to be able to be in a relationship with someone you love and transform that relationship so it’s truly loving. We do that not by getting our partner to change but by changing ourselves."
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Transcripts
Have you ever noticed that you can leave a relationship, meet somebody completely different, and somehow end up in the exact same relationship? Different face, different personality, different story, but eventually the same pattern emerges. Maybe you keep attracting people who abandon you. Maybe you keep attracting people who try to control you, or maybe every relationship eventually puts you in a position where you feel like you have to fight to be loved, fight to be heard, fight to feel safe, or fight to be enough. What's really strange is when you first meet these people, they often seem like the exact opposite of the person they eventually become. So why does this keep happening? Why can you change the person, change the relationship, change the circumstances, and somehow find yourself living out the same emotional experience all over again? Well, I believe there's a reason, and once you understand it, relationships begin to make a lot more sense because I don't believe the people who enter your life are random. I believe they're part of a curriculum. And in this episode, I'm gonna explain why you keep attracting the same relationship patterns into your life, what those patterns are actually trying to show you, and how understanding them can completely change the way you see your relationships. So let's get into it.
Welcome to A Changed Mind, a journey into the topics that matter to you most. From the neuroscience and spirituality of mindset and personal growth, to groundbreaking strategies for health, wealth, and relationships, to open and honest conversations about pressing global issues such as the environment, censorship, corporate capture, and democracy. Each and every episode reminds us of the certainty of the goodness of the future And provides the teachings, tools, and timeless wisdom inspiring you to create real lasting change in your life and in the world. If you've been desiring a sanctuary for your spirit, a place to go to tune out the distraction, negativity, and doom and gloom so that you can tap into the deep power, the vibrancy, and the potential you have inside, you're in the right place. Welcome to A Changed Mind.
All right guys, so let me start by saying that I believe that each of us came into this lifetime to learn something. Every person, based on what they've learned and experienced over the course of previous lives, incarnates into this life with an intention. And that intention is always towards growth and expansion. And very often it reflects the opposite of a problem or contraction that you experienced in a previous incarnation. So let's say that in a previous lifetime, you were a victim. So in this life, you may have come here to learn how to stand up for yourself, to discover your power, to learn how to establish boundaries or speak your truth or become sovereign. Sovereign in your own life. And the people that we meet along the way have pre-established contractual relationships with us. These are what I call soul contracts. These are souls that we've established agreements with to inspire us into the growth that we came here to achieve. And here's what's really important to understand. The way that this system of our reality works is that in order to become something greater, we start off as the absence of it. In order to become a more faithful person, you may grow up in an environment where there was an absence of faith or a tremendous amount of doubt. In order to become a more confident person, you may grow up in an environment that was conducive to lacking confidence or feeling personally insecure. If you came here to learn how to let go and surrender, you may grow up in an environment where there's a tremendous amount of control and you became indoctrinated into control as a mechanism for creating safety. So you start off as the absence of the very thing that you came here to become. And this is where those original soul contracts come in. Usually some of the most important original soul contracts are with our parents. They are the people who help establish the original conditions, the original environment, the original identity, the original programs, which create the opportunity for the growth that you came here to experience. But as we move through life, we experience what I think of as contract continuation. Other people begin to enter our lives who continue to play out different versions of that original contract. And part of how this works is vibrational, because when you're born into an environment that creates an identity of lacking confidence, for example, you then begin attracting more circumstances and situations that reflect that lack of confidence back to you. And when your nervous system develops into one that creates success or achieves safety through control, then chaos will continually head your way to be organized or controlled because chaos gives the controlling version of you something to do. And this is part of the law of vibration. It's part of the law of attraction. You attract circumstances and situations that mirror back to you the current state of your consciousness. I also refer to this in other episodes as the mirror principle. So your reality is constantly mirroring you back to you. And the purpose of that mirror is to allow you to grow through that current identity and into the more expansive identity that you came here to embody. There's who you currently are, and then there's your future self, who you came here to be. And life is continually presenting you with the circumstances and the situations that create the opportunity to close that gap. You can think of it almost as a form of resistance training. If you want to build a muscle, you need resistance. If you came here to build confidence, faith, surrender, self-worth, personal power, or whatever that quality may be, life provides the resistance through which that quality can actually be developed. And then at some point in our lives, we end up meeting a significant other. It could be a partner, could be a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a husband, a wife. And when we first meet, everybody's on their best behavior. We're getting to know each other. There's attraction, there's chemistry, there's excitement. There's all of this new energy in the relationship. But then as the relationship progresses, something begins to happen. The energetics begin to settle down. This new physics, this new solar system that has been created out of the relationship. It begins to settle into its regular structure. And that's when we see the mirror principle at play again, because your partner begins to settle into being a reflection of the same pattern that you came here to change. And I think this explains something that confuses so many people about relationships. It's why people can go from relationship to relationship to relationship and continue to play out the same situations and circumstances. And they wonder, Like, what's going on? Why does this keep happening to me? Because when they first meet the person, that person often seems like exactly the opposite of the person who eventually settles into the relationship. And so the observation is, okay, this is a different person. Oh, thank God. This is exactly what I wanted coming out of my last relationship. This is exactly the opposite. This relationship's going to be different this time. It's going to be different. And yet over time, somehow you find yourself experiencing a different version of the same fundamental pattern. And so then the question becomes, what exactly is going on here? More importantly, what can I do about it? So first, I would suggest that there's nothing wrong. Okay? There's nothing wrong with dating another narcissist. There's nothing wrong with being with someone who doesn't give you the love that you want. And one of the things that I learned from a great book on relationships that had an incredible impact on me, which was Colin Tipping's Radical Forgiveness. Was the idea that I am completely 100% responsible for what's showing up in this relationship. After all, I, I do create my own reality, not just in some areas of my reality, but all areas of my reality, including this relationship. It is the energetics inside of me that is attracting this person to me. This person is part of my agreement, my soul contract. And so rather than blame my partner, which is the external, I can look at the reactions that are coming up inside of me as a byproduct of being in this relationship. And I can begin to work with those reactions. Those reactions are fears, doubts, blame, personal insecurity. Those are the things I actually came here to heal. So my partner is really a gift in the sense that they are reflecting what needs to be healed inside of me. Now, that does not mean that you stay in an abusive relationship. It doesn't mean that you continue to stay with somebody who's an alcoholic or an addict, but what it means Is that the starting point of calibrating a dynamic within the structure of what's real is to take responsibility and say, hey, you know, whatever it is inside of me that attracted this relationship, it's inside of me. The next step is to actually work with the information that's coming up and to realize that what's coming up inside of you is a story. It's a set of beliefs. It's not necessarily what's actually happening. You know, one of the memories that stuck out for me is once the physics of my relationship with my wife started settling down, I started realizing that she's highly organized.
Okay.
I might even say compulsively organized. Now she might say I'm compulsively disorganized and probably neither of those things are true, but we would have these conflicts and interactions where I wouldn't organize the house in the way that she felt it should be organized. And I would get upset at her. I would say like, she shouldn't be criticizing me or telling me where I need to put my things or what I need to do. Taking radical responsibility for the relationship and what's coming up inside of me, I was able to identify this idea that I just shared with you. She shouldn't be telling me what I need, you know, where I need to put my things in a different location in the house. One of the most powerful distinctions that we teach and that I've learned is this idea that if you're thinking something that doesn't feel good, it's not true. That what's happening is that thought itself is incoherent or incongruent with the reality of a situation. And so you're entangling yourself with this unintelligent thought and you're feeling that through your nervous system. And that's why it doesn't feel good. That's why it moves you into a primal state, stress, anxiety, overwhelm, anger. It's this idea that if you're thinking something that doesn't feel good, it's not true. It's a limiting belief. And therefore some form of the opposite must be true. And so I was able to use that distinction To take a look at what I was thinking and realize, no, absolutely, she should be telling me where she wants me to locate things or organize things in the house. Why? Because she feels unsafe when there's an absence of organization, because she grew up in an environment where things were organized, where if you organize things, there was a sense of control. There was a sense of safety because based on where she is in her personal growth and her development and her fears and doubts and belief systems, It's 100% predictable that my wife would be having this interaction with me. And once I realized that, I was able to take the heat off of the conversation coming from my end and just to work with reality, because the problem was not that she was telling me where she thought I should put things in the house. The problem was I believed that she shouldn't be telling me those things, and that's what was making me angry. And if you actually look at the dynamic between partners, it's really 2 people With stories that are having a relationship rather than the people having a relationship themselves. Like most relationships are just one big, messy, sloppy hallucination. And this is, you know, when this is allowed to develop over the course of years or decades, it ends up being a relationship where it feels like neither person can do anything right. And both people are accusing the other person of kind of the same thing. You don't listen to me. You don't listen to me. Everything I seem to do, you judge and criticize. Well, you judge and criticize me. You're not being present for me. Well, I'm not being present for you. And that's when people drift apart. It's why the divorce rates are astronomically high. It's because people are not taking responsibility over their own thoughts, their own emotions, and their own reactions. One of the beautiful things about the container of the relationship is that when you truly love someone, it forces you to confront yourself. It forces you to deal with the things that you came here to deal with, to transform the stories and the beliefs and the old identity. If you want to stay in that relationship. And you can think about love as the container around the relationship that holds the messiness of this transformation. That's why people stay together. And I think it's important to stay together. One of the things that I believe is that if your values are aligned and your vision is aligned, in other words, if the things that are important for the most part are important to both of you and the direction you're heading seems like the same direction, then there should be a commitment to work through any of the challenges that come up in the relationship. Now, sometimes people don't have shared visions. They realize that they don't have shared values. And so they separate. But I had some friends a couple of years ago who were staying in our house and somehow a conversation came up and I said, hey, when was the last time you guys argued? And they said, 15 years ago. And I was like shocked by that. I mean, most people that I know in relationships have arguments, if not frequently. And I said, wow, how did you guys get to that place? And they said, well, we shut the door on divorce. We used to argue a lot and we looked at the possibility of divorce, but once we shut that door, we realized, well, we're here according to our vows until death do us part. And it forced a resourcefulness and a willingness from us that we never would've had if we had left that back door open. Now, I'm not making a judgment on people who get divorced, but I really appreciate that wisdom that they shared. Because I'm suggesting that you can put yourself in a position of having greater resource and tapping into that resource when you don't have another option. When there is no back door, you're going to be more resourceful and really miraculous things come out of that level of resource. Now, some people will say, okay, but Dave, I'm working on my shit. What about my partners? What I would say is pretty consistently what I see, which is that when you love someone and your values and your vision are aligned, And this is your person, or even if this was your person and it doesn't feel like this is your person anymore, you want to reclaim that feeling of this, of this is my ride or die person, then you do your work. And what happens when you do your work is your energetics change, your behavior changes, your perception changes. And so you actually break the pattern that's been developed between you and your partner. And so if you're not reactive anymore, or you're not reacting from that old story and you truly love them and you hold a loving presence for them and give them space to be who they are, Knowing that it's nothing against you, they're just working through their own stories, their own limiting beliefs, their own traumas. When you're no longer entangled in that battle, that gives your partner an opportunity to fully see themselves because you don't really see yourself when you're in an argument with somebody who argues back. You just see the person who's arguing with you. But if the other person doesn't argue back, what's interesting is you're able to see, wow, I'm just being an angry, attacking person right now. And so doing your work allows your partner to see themselves, and then they have the opportunity to do the work for themselves. In fact, I think doing the work for you is the greatest gift that you can give to your partner. And if they don't do the work, then eventually they sort of cycle out of the relationship. That would mean some part of values or vision isn't aligned. Maybe a value is personal growth. Maybe a value is personal responsibility or kindness to others or honesty or rigorous honesty with yourself or with another person. So there could be a values mismatch. Or a misalignment there. But more often than not, what I've seen is when one person starts to do the work and it doesn't happen overnight, but the other person will begin to align with them too. And that also makes sense because when you do your own work, you in many ways become the dominant new vibration or force energetically in your relationship. We talk about the idea of quantum entanglement, how we're all entangled and entrained together. There was this You know, experiment done with a bunch of grandfather clocks in a room, all swinging their pendulums at a different rate. And then all of them would entrain to one grandfather clock. Assumedly, that's the clock who had the strongest vibration. If you have the strongest vibration and the greatest level of presence in your relationship, your partner will follow. They will entrain to your changes. They will catch up with you because a partnership is almost a single unit. You're a single unit that has come together for the growth of 2 people into the unification of one represented by the relationship. And so you both came in together at a particular frequency. And if you change your frequency, the other person is highly likely to follow. Now it does require a tremendous amount of patience in the gap. It requires a tremendous amount of self-discipline, especially as you're starting to wake up and your partner has not yet. But again, that's an opportunity for you to work with the stuff that comes up within you. That little gremlin in your head that says, oh, I'm doing all this personal growth work and my partner isn't, you know, I'm awake and they're asleep. It's like, okay, well, those are just new stories that you now have an opportunity to work with. And again, remember, ultimately everything is a mirror. So what's the point here? The point is to be able to be in a relationship with someone you love and to be able to transform that relationship so that it's truly loving. The way that we do that is not by getting our person or our partner to change their behavior or to see it our way. It's actually about changing ourselves. Our partner is a mirror that is reflecting back to us the specific things that we came here to transform and to grow through. Oftentimes these are very confronting things. These are very painful things, especially because our partner often replays a lot of the original programming or trauma that we experienced between mom and dad. Ultimately, the way through it is not to leave the relationship because you can leave and find the same person over and over and over again until you learn the lesson. Because you're still operating according to the same energetics. The opportunity is to look at what we're being confronted by, the beliefs, the doubts, the fears, the insecurities, and to work with that information to transform those beliefs and that story and that perception so that we can have a true relationship with another person versus 2 stories having relationships with each other. And if we're willing to be patient with it and stay in the relationship and not abandon it too quickly, it becomes The greatest spiritual teacher that we can have in our lives. And we, through that willingness and that effort and that patience, get the greatest reward, which is the love that we've always been seeking. The true love relationship, not just 2 people who are friends or 2 people who put up with each other, but 2 people who actually become greater than each of them are individually. That's a radical love that is achieved through radical forgiveness. So if you want some support and identifying what might be coming up for you and your relationship right now, I do have an amazing free tool. There's a link in the description. If you have not tried it out yet, it is the AI-powered assessment. It's the David AI that's going to help you identify 3 of your biggest limiting beliefs and use one of the most powerful tools that we have called the decision matrix to actually transform them. It takes you about 3 or 4 minutes. It's absolutely free. It's my gift to you. You're going to love it if you haven't tried it. Even if you have, you can check it out again, use it again to work through whatever's coming up. For you as we have this episode. And if you haven't yet, would you do me a favor and subscribe? Man, this community is growing so quickly. You can hit that bell icon, get notifications. I come out with 2 episodes a week. That way you'll know. Don't forget, if you prefer the audio platforms, we are on Spotify and Apple. And if you love this episode, or if you want to share it with your partner, pay it forward. Let's bring more people into the community. Let's bring you and your partner into the community. Let's do this together because this personal growth thing is not a do-it-yourself project. It is to do it with others. So, I love you so much. Thank you for your time, your energy, and being here with me today. And I will see you in the next episode. Hey, it's David.
One more thing. If you want to go even deeper on everything we've talked about on today's episode, don't forget to jump over to www.davidbaire.com.
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Don't forget to jump on over to the site and I will see you in the next episode.
