It was the eighth grade. I was elated. I didn’t want anyone to know I was elated, but-I was elated. I had just been nominated for class favorite. I know it’s silly, but it was eighth grade. At the time it meant a lot even if I did have to respond with an, “Aww shucks I’m so glad just to have been nominated.”
I remember walking into the lunch room that day and being greeted by Amy Cameron. She walks up to me with her very rare accent in the small East Texas town of Sulphur Springs northern accent and declared, “You’re not eeeeven gonna win. Clint Murray is going to be the class favorite.”
I just kind of smiled and nodded. It crushed me. My confidence had just been taken to the wood chipper.
“She’s right. I probably won’t win,” I thought to myself. Turns out, she was right and wrong. I didn’t win but neither did Clint. I think Brandon Brewer did. I really don’t remember that part.
Amy Cameron wasn’t a mean girl. She wasn’t a cheerleader. She wasn’t popular. I probably said 10 words to her throughout my entire primary school career which spanned almost 12 grades with Amy.
So why did this leave such an indelible mark on my confidence? Why was my confidence determined by someone who had little to no impact on my life?
Although this incident occurred in the 8th grade, I’m sure the same scenario has played out in your adult life. Someone you didn’t know, didn’t like, someone who didn’t even like themselves took a sledgehammer to your confidence. It’s dumb.
What I’ve learned is whomever we blame for feeling bad about ourselves is the person we have given power over us. This is a bad move.
We need to separate opinions from facts and even then decide how much value and power they will have on our lives. I adopted a credo of sorts some time ago that sounds terribly arrogant, but I assure you it’s not meant to be.
I don’t care about your opinion of me. I’m ok saying this because I care even less about you valuing my opinion. You see I don’t care if someone accepts my opinion as truth, fact, law, gospel or whatever you want to call it. I don’t need to be agreed with. Nor do I give weight to the opinions of others as it relates to how I judge myself.
This is not to say I won’t take constructive criticism. To the contrary. If you are someone I admire and whose opinion I value that’s another story entirely. But if Amy Cameron’s opinion of me is negative I don’t give two shi**s. Why should I?
So lesson one: Don’t grant others the power of your confidence.
The next thing we must understand is that confidence comes with an intimate knowledge of who we are and what we believe. When you find yourself getting angry, defensive and worked up because someone differs with you on a topic this is a sure sign that you are insecure with your position.
It’s critical to know what you know and have the ability to defend it to yourself not just to others. This doesn’t mean you can’t be wrong, but in order to have unwavering confidence you need to know your principles and beliefs better than anyone else.
Also, you need to know your strengths and weaknesses. If you have a strength, spend more time honing and developing it. Become a master of something you are good at. If you know you have the potential to go from good to great be great.
When you identify something you do poorly, eliminate the behavior or at leas work to improve it if it’s critical to your life. This will ensure you go through life knowing that you know your strengths and weaknesses and instead of defending your weaknesses you will be able to say, “Yep. You’re right. I suck at plumbing, but I’m working on it.”
Here are some actions to take right now to develop confidence:
On the other hand, I have become a master of my health and wellness. I have accumulated vast amounts of knowledge and wisdom through my self-study, and these are things I am very proud of. I am very proficient at “being healthy.” This gives me something to call upon in the back of my mind when he starts sharing his financial statement with me for the 187th time. My mastery of the thing that matters most to me boosts my confidence when it could be shaken by his mastery of finance. Mastery is the key to confidence in anything you are endeavoring to do. Want to be a rockstar public speaker? Master it. Put in the reps. Want to be a good writer? Master it. Put in the reps. Mastering a topic or activity will do more to build your confidence than anything.
Determine what is most valuable to you. We tend to get sucked into the Matrix where the only measure of success and accomplishment is monetary and status. However, if you are someone who has forgone the Matrix and decided for yourself what is of most value to you, then you can start to build upon that which you care most about.
For example: If you can’t be rich, what else can you pursue that you hold as valuable? Is it knowledge about great literature? If so, go read the Western Canon and savor it. The next time you’re with a millionaire blow his or her mind with your understanding of Faulkner.
I was recently in a conversation with a multi millionaire. He could buy and sell me 6 times over. There was a time when I would have tried to show him I was on equal footing with him in terms of business understanding. This was a sure sign of lacking confidence because I would be trying to impress the multi millionaire instead of just resting in who I am.
Eventually the conversation turned to books. In this area I’m wealthy-very wealthy. I’ve read a ton. It turns out that he and I shared an affinity for many of the same books. In this area not only was I as rich as him but more so. This gave me great confidence. It will help you, too. It’s not all about being wealthy from a financial standpoint.
Building confidence is an art. It takes time. It takes guts. There is a vast difference between confidence and being cocky. That’s a discussion for another day.
However, I can say with confidence (no pun intended) if you will start to put these principles into action you will find a confidence you never knew existed.
Improve your confidence always, in ALL ways!