OUR HOSTS: 

Corinne Foxx - @corinnefoxx

Natalie McMillan - @nataliemcm and @shopnataliemcmillan 

What we're drinking: 2018 Lucienne Pinot Noir 

TOPIC: 

You’ve likely heard references to love languages and attachment styles, but in today’s episode, we break down what those actually mean. Maybe you’ve never really analyzed your behavior in relationships and pinpointed how you express your love, but you’ve probably noticed repeating patterns in your love life. Are you the type that enjoys picking out the perfect gift? Or maybe you like to make coffee for your partner with just the right amount of sugar? We also discuss what terms like avoidant-dismissive and anxious-preoccupied mean, and how you can work on feeling more secure with yourself and your relationships. 

Check out these two quizzes to discover your love language and attachment style: 

• 5lovelanguages.com 
• attachmentproject.com 

In this episode, we discuss:

• Dr. Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages
• Details of each love language and attachment style
• The benefits of knowing your primary love language and attachment style
• How to build a secure attachment for relationship longevity
• How knowing your love language and attachment style can be utilized to strengthen the relationships
• Our personal love languages and attachment styles 

END OF THE SHOW: 

Corinne and Natalie introduce Hottie of the Week: Miley Cyrus 

WINE RATING: 7.5/Hannah Montana 

WRAP UP:

To wrap up the episode, we play Unpopular Opinion. Corinne has a hot take on mac and cheese, and Natalie comes clean about her feelings on Nickelback.  

We have a brand new newsletter for our Am I community. You can sign up for the newsletter on our website: amidoingthisrightpod.com

You can email us for episode ideas or Random Advice: amidoingthisrightpod@gmail.com

Follow us on Instagram: @amidoingthisrightpod 

Don't forget to rate and review the podcast! It really helps us grow!

[00:00:04] Natalie McMillan: And I'm Natalie McMillan.

[00:00:15] Natalie McMillan: And each week we cover a new topic, and we drink a new bottle of wine

[00:00:42] Natalie McMillan: heard of, or if they have, they might not really know.

What

'cause you really need to be secure. Yes you do. Um, and we're, we're both working on that. Yes. And at the end, at the end of the episode, we're going to be playing unpopular opinion, popular opinion. I feel like all our little, wrap-up going to step a little song. They should, we have like 12 of them

[00:01:28] Corinne Foxx: now.

We'll solve them for a little

oh my God.

[00:01:45] Natalie McMillan: We are drinking the, okay. It's either Lucien or Lucienne.

[00:01:55] Natalie McMillan: What, okay. It's a 20, 20 18 Pino, but it's from Santa Luchea or Lucy. We, we work one of the, a winemaker actually emailed, emailed us and

We we're like,

[00:02:17] Corinne Foxx: from. yeah. I love a peanut. I don't know. I'm feeling insane because, um, again, you guys, I have this coffee problem. I have a coffee, I have wine. I have water. I have a lot of liquids

That's how, you know, you're an adult. I realized when you just have like 15 different drinks and they're all like half

[00:02:45] Natalie McMillan: grin has always, since the day I've known. Dies for a good OJ.

Yeah. And I would like all four of those beverages at all times available to me. So I can take a little sip of one we'll sip next. Everything has a different purpose. Yeah.

[00:03:22] Corinne Foxx: well, that would be your dream.

That would be your dream breakfast. Wow. I love toast. She really loves toast. I love toast and OJ. Um, Way out of the scope of what we're talking about today, because we're talking about love languages and attachment styles, which I think is super important for people to understand about yourself. So, you know, how you show up in relationships and like what you need, I think, love languages, or like knowing what you need from your other partner.

And then your attachment style is like knowing how you. Yes in relationships

[00:04:11] Corinne Foxx: sides. Yeah. So we're going to get into all of it, but not, let's start with the love languages, which I feel like is the most familiar to

Yes. So there are five basic love languages. Five ways to express love. Emotionally, everybody has a primary love language that we need to learn to speak if we want that person to feel love theoretically, theoretically.

Yes. Not how you like to express your love. Exactly. Okay. I gotta wait. I gotta, I gotta go. So where did this whole idea of love languages even come from?

Back in 1992, after he was a marriage counselor for 30 years, and he was recognizing patterns within the couples that he was working with. So he argues that while each of the love, love languages is enjoying. To some degree by all people, a person will usually speak one primary love language, but all are important and they also can be ranked.

[00:05:34] Natalie McMillan: They are words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, acts of service and receiving gifts.

Words of affirmation. People like to feel seen and acknowledged. I will say I really like words of affirmation. That's up there for me in terms of like being seen same. The next one is quality time. So people with quality time, as their love language feel most love when their partner gives them their undivided attention.

For example, you can go to a cooking class together, go on a handheld walk after dinner schedule weekly date night, even if it's just like with your friends, like doing something meaningful, like we're all going ice skating this week. Um, things like. Yeah things together. But if your love language is physical touch, which it could be, it might sound like that's something that's sexual, but it actually doesn't have to only be sexual Chapman even says we have long known the emotional power of physical touch.

That's why we pick up babies. We touched them tenderly. Um, long before an infant understands the meaning of the word, love he, or she feels loved by physical touch. So if your love language is physical touch, you need cuddling. You need handholding. Even your partner, putting their hand on your shoulder would fulfill the need for physical touch.

[00:07:23] Corinne Foxx: Cause. You're also, you get a lot of hormones in your brain, uh, oxytocin. Yeah. Is that the drug? I never know. Oxycontin is

I don't know. I have no idea. Not the time or place. Think about this later. So an the acts of service example, these types are very much actions speak louder than words people, and they feel very loved when things. Done. So examples of this would be like, if your partner cooked for you or if they made you your coffee in the morning, just like you like it, and you didn't even ask, or they did an errand that you hate to

I will say right now, acts of service is my love language. And Joe I've told Joe that, and he's just like, totally. For me, like, you know, getting my new home. There's just so many to do's and things I can't do on my own because I'm like just, I don't, I'm not tall enough or whatever. And still a Joe's been doing a lot more things and I told them like, oh, you're really fulfilling this acts of service need for me.

Like right now, all my life. I can not reach those. Yeah. You need

someone

[00:08:49] Natalie McMillan: a survivor that can just it's rough. The last love language. The example here is receiving gifts and Chapman says in every society throughout human history, gift giving has been perceived as an expression of love.

Giving gifts as universal because there is something inside the human psyche that says, if you love someone you will give to him or her, what many people don't understand is that for some people receiving gifts is their primary love language. It's the thing that makes them feel loved most deeply. So if you're someone whose primary love language is gift giving, you feel loved and treasured by receiving thoughtful gifts on birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, or like no occasion day.

And the gifts don't need to be expensive or elaborate necessarily. It's really the thought that counts. And even something as simple as like a homemade card or some flowers that would feel like a clear communication of love and little things, mean a lot to the gift receiving love languages.

Like, can you have, uh, your love language? Like if my love language is acts of service, but I love to express my love through gift giving. It's how I communicate. I love somebody. And like, I spend a lot of time. I really think about the gifts and like, yes. So like, is there a reverse love language where it's like, that's how I like to express it, I guess, I guess so.

But it's really dependent on if Joe's were like, I might enjoy it, but that might not be right. Joe's primary. So he's not exactly like if it's not as meaningful to him. Exactly.

Yes. But like, let's say Joe, like to express love. With like physical touch. Right? So like him holding your hand, you're like what? This does. Nothing does nothing

Okay. You know, we'll get into attachment styles. Why? Like, I'm not as physical touchy, but I know that. So I had, sometimes I'm like, okay, Right now, put your hand on her shoulder. Like, you know, it's not how I'd rather just get you a little gift, right. But this is what

[00:11:18] Corinne Foxx: important as guys, if you want to know more clearly what your love language is, you can go to Chapman's website five, love languages.com and take the quiz.

There's a little quizzy. We love a quiz. Um, and if you take the quiz and you and your partner have different love languages, don't worry. Right?

The research also revealed that while the vast majority of participants intuitively. Did their partner's primary love language insight into what a partner needs to feel loved didn't necessarily result in better relational outcomes. The relational happiness lies within each partner's ability to actually put what they know about their partner's love language inaction, and then adjust their actions towards

Right. So like, I know he likes like, yes, no, he likes physical touch. I actually have to do you actually

[00:12:28] Corinne Foxx: okay. Yeah. Yeah. But it is worth noting that some psychologists don't agree with the principle of love languages.

Tim Cole has a PhD, so. Decades of empirical evidence show that having a secure style of attachment and being responsive to a partner's ever changing needs, lead to the outcome. Most couples desire, long-term happiness and satisfaction, which brings

[00:12:51] Corinne Foxx: next topic, touch one style, which people maybe have heard of, but don't fully, fully understand.

So yeah, we did a lot of research. We got a lot of this information from the attachment project, which we'll link in the show notes.

[00:13:08] Corinne Foxx: styles? Yes. Yeah. So psychiatrist and psychoanalyst, John bow Lee's work on attachment theory dates back to the 1950s. And according to Bali one's relationship with their parents during childhood has an overarching influence on their social, intimate relationships and even relationships at work in the future.

In other words, your early relationship with your caregiver. The stage for how you build oh, wow. For how you will build relationships as an adult. So attachment styles develop early in life and they often remain stable over time. So based on his theory for adult attachment styles were identified. One is anxious.

Preoccupied two is avoidant dismissive. Three is disorganized or fearful avoidant. And the fourth one is secure. So maybe you have never really thought through or analyzed your behavior in relationships, but still you've kind of noticed a repeating pattern in your love life.

Maybe you want to be with someone, but as soon as things get emotionally intimate you back

[00:14:39] Natalie McMillan: Okay. So. What like, can we get into some of the actual attachment style?

So anxious attachment is a type of insecure attachment style rooted in fear of abandonment and an insecurity of being underappreciated. So for adults, with an anxious attachment style, the. Often the better half, ah, the thought of living without the partner or being in loan in general causes high levels of anxiety.

People with this type of attachment, typically have a negative self image while having a positive view of others. Oh

In the relationship as they are. Yeah. So they can become overly dependent on relationships, which can lead to overwhelming panic and worry about their partners, behaviors, and intentions. So what are some of the signs like if you have a. Anxious attachment. I was an ancient attachment, anxious

Um, yeah, some signs of an anxious attachment style is feeling insecure in relationships being in clingy or possessive, being scared of rejection, being jealous, being distrusting of others, being overwhelmed by intimacy, but longing for it. Having a low or negative view of yourself or a strong fear of abandonment.

Often because anxious adults to get intensely jealous or suspicious of their partners. Yeah. But there is a way to heal the anxious attachment style if you're listening right now. And you're like, you're like I have, uh,

[00:16:41] Corinne Foxx: Um, how would you go feeling this anxious

Especially with your partner, recognizing your behavioral patterns in relationships and being mindful of them will. Make the issue easier to solve self-reflection is very important here. So analyzing and making sense of your childhood experiences, it's an essential

So you can go in and like learn in depth as to like why a certain relationship caused you to have an anxious attachment style. If you're listening to this, I don't want you to feel guilt about having any of this because when you really learn about it, you realize it comes from something that you had no control over.

Exactly. So just zap that out there for anyone who was like, damn, that's me. No, it's not your fault.

What if anybody listening right now? I was like, no, I'm good. I

The avoidant. Tend to believe that they don't have to be in a relationship to feel complete. They don't want to depend on others. Have others depend on them or seek approval or support in social bonds. Adults with this attachment style generally avoid emotional closeness and they also tend to hide or suppress their feelings when faced with a potentially emotion dense situation.

hello you plus the Aquarius plus aquarium, but yeah, these individuals will let you be around them, but they will not let you in. And I tend to avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy. And as soon as things get serious, dismissive avoidant individuals are likely to close themselves off. But I feel like with Joe.

You have, I'm actually really good at yeah. At saying how I'm feeling or like what's going on. But I do, I do like push and pull with like, talking about our future. Like, I'll be like, he'll sometimes I'm like, yes, I can't wait for a few. And then sometimes he's like, so like when I move in, I'm like what?

You're like, oh, your ways you're moving it. And he's like, who are you? Yeah. We talked about that yesterday. I'm like, I don't know about that. And he's like, okay, like, should I plan on that? Are we

So here are some of the signs. So if you're an avoidant, you avoid emotional closeness in relationships. You have a feeling as though your partner is being clingy when they simply just want to be emotionally close. And I'm sorry about that, Joe, you have a strong sense of independence. Feelings of high self-esteem while having a negative view of others.

So it's flipped from the anxious attachment style, withdrawing and coping with difficult situations by yourself and withdrawing or tuning out from unpleasant conversations or site. Yeah,

[00:20:38] Natalie McMillan: first of all, everybody say it with. Fair

but the key is to admit and realize that the switch quote, unquote switch on emotional intimacy has to be turned on. This might be challenging and require a lot. Effort because the avoidant adult needs to start paying attention to the emotional and physical sensations that come up around emotional intimacy.

So self-reflection might help a one makes sense and analyze existing patterns. Obviously, working with a therapist on this pattern would potentially be the most beneficial way that you can move forward in having that nice secure attachment

Isn't that crazy? We were looking at patterns of my previous relationships and like it's certain points when I start to tune out because I get scared. I'm like, oh, it's getting too serious. Um, and it's weird. Cause it's been at the same point, all of my relationships two and a half years, I started to get real flighty.

Oh, going to go,

[00:21:50] Corinne Foxx: that line. Yeah. I'm aware of it. So I'm like, okay, like how do we deal with this? I'm like, this is just like my attachment style and how can. How can we love the self-awareness. We love that. We love it. So the next type of attachment style is this disorganized attachment also known as fearful avoidant.

So

chat, just take a big, okay. So disorganized attachment involves both high anxiety. And high avoidance. So it's essentially a blend of both the avoidant attachment style and the anxious attachment style. Love that for me. So adults with a disorganized attachment style, lack the coherent approach towards relationships.

On one hand, they want to belong. They want to be loved. They want love. While on the other hand, they're afraid to let anyone it. So they have a strong fear that people who are closest to them will hurt them. These adults expect and are waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt to come. And in their purse perception, it's really inevitable that will

Called out. That's literally like,

that is me. That is me. But for people that are listening, what are the signs? Okay.

So they seek less emotional closeness and frequently suppress or deny their feelings and they make. Like freezing or states of rigidity or stuck repetitive behaviors, or even a flooding of emotion. Cause they're not really like allowing yourself to feel things.

Not, you can, you can heal from that. And how are you going to do that?

[00:24:36] Corinne Foxx: for which

So for this reason, it might be best to start off easy and not push yourself. And like, we love to say

[00:24:55] Natalie McMillan: therapy, to therapy, but truly like when I, cause I at the top of 20, 21, I told my therapist, I was like, I want to work on my attachment style because it is all kinds of fucked up.

And we have, I've learned

[00:25:10] Natalie McMillan: work here, still working on it

If you actually have my research, it was like, it was like 60% of adults are of secure no way. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:25:33] Corinne Foxx: is unbelievable to me, major, major, um, but adults with a secure attachment style tend to have it easier when it comes to social contacts, bonding, and intimate relationships, they are aware of their emotions and emotional needs and are able to both experience and express them.

They are open and straightforward and do not go to extremes.

This does not mean that they reject or do not want intimacy or emotional closeness. They simply just feel good on their own as well as in relationships. I think we both actually do

[00:26:29] Natalie McMillan: second is the positive view of others. I think this is where we lose the security, the security. So these individuals, they also have a positive view of others.

They tend to trust their partners. They don't feel the need to be jealous or doubt their loved one's intentions. They're able to accept

[00:26:50] Natalie McMillan: check out without fear or confusion. That's always my thing. I'm like what, like anybody that expressed interest I'm like, huh? Like what, why these secure people, they also aim at and are capable of building and maintaining meaningful and long lasting romantic relationships.

And they are very comfortable with proximity and bond easily.

[00:27:25] Natalie McMillan: it's got to finish this off.

They're able to reflect on it, make sense of their past experiences, even if their childhood was not perfect. And they appreciate the good and understand and move on from the.

We're working on it,

[00:27:49] Corinne Foxx: where we, yeah, that's really, that's really the, the

You know what I mean? So look at us, look at us, look at us, just working through our shit. So if you want to find out what your attachment style is, we will link another quiz.

pod.com. Um, but yeah, we hope you understand more about love languages, attachment styles, and how they can be utilized to strengthen the relationships in your life. Whether those are platonic, romantic, familial, et cetera, et cetera. You know

[00:28:46] Corinne Foxx: language is.

Oh my gosh. Really? Well, I'm going to say welcome and ours, but we literally just told you it's yours. What my love

[00:29:03] Corinne Foxx: Really? Yes. Oh my gosh. I

[00:29:11] Corinne Foxx: that's so interesting.

I wouldn't have thought that. I know

[00:29:17] Corinne Foxx: but it's true. Wow. Okay. Well, should we talk about the Lucianne

[00:29:29] Corinne Foxx: You know, so let's introduce our Hottie and read this. Why would you like to introduce her Hannah Montana?

AKA, a fellow Sagittarius and we chose her because she's revealed that her love language is acts of service or she likes to do acts of service. I think it's. Or did she say, I think she was

[00:29:56] Corinne Foxx: chop, chop, chop. So, yes, miss smiley one to miss Maley. I'm not mad at it.

I'm not mad at it either, but we also love a peanut and why I love

[00:30:08] Corinne Foxx: I'd give it a seven, 7.5

[00:30:20] Corinne Foxx: All right. This is the time the episode would play a little wrap-up game. And as we mentioned at the top, we're playing on popular opinion today and popular opinion. And I thought of mine over, uh, the whole. Yes. Oh, I

[00:30:34] Corinne Foxx: what it's going to be. Oh, I wouldn't get,

not

Oh my God. But I think people, everyone thinks that it doesn't want to say it. Can we all just get on the same page

[00:30:44] Corinne Foxx: the Turkey, the Turkey's dry. It's dry, even

[00:30:48] Corinne Foxx: and the cranberry sauce and look good. Good. I only like Turkey on a sandwich, like very thinly slice. I have one like a big chunk of it.

I don't

[00:30:58] Corinne Foxx: Thanksgiving. Hit me with a ham. I love a holiday

[00:31:04] Corinne Foxx: Oh my gosh. We're going to put this in the stories today. Go to our Instagram and vote if you guys think good. Yeah. Turkey is it's not the star of the meal. No, but no, it is not that, but I do agree with that.

My unpopular opinion, which I do think is unpacked. I love Mac and cheese.

That wasn't really so interesting to me. Doesn't really do it for me. I don't know why. And I know someone's listening, like, oh, she, I have my Mac and cheese though. I'm telling you right now I would have it. And I'd be like, man. Yeah. It's just like, for some reason, I don't know why I do really like Kraft, Mac and cheese.

Oh, that's not real Mac and cheese. No. When people make like their signature one and the big dish or whatever, really like it, I'm like, all right, interesting. I wouldn't have picked you for that. It doesn't make sense for me. I love cheese. I love noodles. I love pasta. Right? Why wouldn't I like a cheesy part?

I don't know. I don't know. I wonder why.

[00:32:07] Corinne Foxx: That's something different though. That's not, that's a different

[00:32:14] Corinne Foxx: loved that shit. All right. So that's my unpopular opinion. What's yours.

So mine is music related. Are you going? Oh, no, sorry. I will never go there unless I want to be, I want to hit out on me. No, um, no, this is, uh, I just feel like a lot of people have strong opinions about this. Okay. If Nickelback comes on, I don't think they're that bad.

[00:32:46] Natalie McMillan: People hate, they think they're the worst band of all time.

How bad?

[00:33:00] Natalie McMillan: Actually, I know people think they are very bad. Well, let us know, tune in

Yeah,

[00:33:18] Corinne Foxx: what's, what's in another song because I'd photograph

I don't think I might even listen to the whole song in my car. Okay.

[00:33:50] Natalie McMillan: for you.

All

[00:34:01] Natalie McMillan: tonight. We'll put a little nickel bag.

We'll put also a little picture of Mac and cheese,

Yeah. And if you guys are part of this community, we just want to spread the cheer,

[00:34:30] Corinne Foxx: we love you guys went back and see there's another episode. .